Grocery Store

Hello All,

I went to the grocery store this evening (Thomas, the list is forthcoming) and as I was going to get milk, I saw this idiot was standing there blocking the fridge and talking into a cell phone. This really wouldn't have bothered me much except I wanted milk and he was more involved in his conversation than getting the milk he was blocking. However, this post isn't about the guy on the phone or milk. It is about a one legged man with an anger management problem.

The idiot finally got out of my way and I went and grabbed my half a gallon when I noticed that an older gentleman was standing two doors down near the Half n Half. He was a white guy around 65 and had a prosthetic left leg that had both a sock and a shoe on.

Why wear a sock? That was my first thought. Not, "Wonder how he lost his leg?" Nope, I wondered what possessed this man to get up, throw a shoe and sock on his right foot, and then proceed to put a sock on his plastic foot. Is it a habit? Symmetry? I just don't know.

As the idiot was yelling into his cell, he almost ran into the older gentleman's cart. As I put my milk in my own cart I made eye contact with the old guy and he stopped. He looked me right in the eye, gathered his thoughts, and said in a low voice, "I swear to God, if I could I would blow up every radio tower in this place. KERPLEW!"

Awkward!!! I just threw a "Yeah" out there and casually strolled away. The rest of my shopping experience had me wondering if he meant the towers that give the idiot cell phone service or the tower that provided the Muzak for the Tom Thumb. More importantly, WTF? That guy was crazy. I am pretty sure he was harmless but he had to have lost that leg somewhere and I imagine it was in a war.

Well, that is what happens when I run out of yogurt.

That is all,

Newt

Apologies

It has come to my attention that a few of the readers of this blog were slightly offended by my last post. Apparently, some people think I am disgusting and need to put a warning on my posts. So this is my apology for my previous post entitled "Dang, I hate that...".

I am sorry that you don't have the sense to stop reading something if it offends you. This is a humor blog. I am very seldom serious, and for anyone that knows me, you know that I don't care about your opinion, though it is welcome.

In most cases, I go right to the point. The second sentence of my previous blog set the tone for the piece and if you read sentence three, well that was your choice. And yes, I am disgusting. I know it, you know it. Hell, even my grandmother knows it. So don't act all shocked that I wrote something that was somewhat nasty.

That is all,

Newt

Dang, I hate that...

You know what's annoying? Touching your own butthole. Now, I'm sure your thinking "What the hell is that supposed to mean"? I came to this topic yesterday.

I was sitting on the shitter and had just finished folding my tp all dainty like (which is the only way to fold toilet paper) and was ready to go wipe when I guess I misjudged the distance. The next thing I know, my finger hit my poop shoot. I thought "Crap", literally. This is something that really bugs me.

It's not that its really that big a deal. I was going to wash my hands anyway, but when you expect to feel the soft plushyness of a Charmin and instead get the index, well, that is just not pleasing. Not to mention that if you aren't paying attention when you stand up, you just may use that finger to push down the flusher.

I think that this is one of those things that goes untalked about. Actually, we should discuss this issue and try to be more proactive in the Finger/Sphinxter phenomenon. In our modern day society we should have come up with a solution.

The toilet paper hand wrap was always a safe practice, but you are really wasting a lot of paper in doing that. There is also the disposable glove, but the practicality of that is questionable. The Angel Soft people should really be working on a solution to this epidemic that is swiping the nation. Yes, I did mean swiping.

That is all,

Newt

Island of the Sequined Love Nun

For anyone that checks here regularly, you probably saw that I had been reading Island of the Sequined Love Nun for the last couple of weeks. Well, last night I finished it and it was great. The author, Christopher Moore, is a weird dude and almost everything he has written that I have read has been good.

Island of the Sequined Love Nun is about a pilot, Tucker Case, who crashes a plane(owned by a Mary Kay knock off) and looses his license to fly. He gets an offer to go fly for a missionary on a remote island and has to take it because it is the only job he will be able to get. Instead of missionaries, he finds an island where the natives worship an image of a Bomber Girl from a war plane and their god is a WWII pilot named Vincent.

Throughout the book, Tucker uncovers a plot by by his employers to steal the kidneys of the islanders, as well as trying to stop himself from being killed and saving an entire island of natives.

The story was an interesting tale of redemption mixed with a Monty Python-esc humor. All in all, a very funny book, though I did feel funny caring it around with me as it is hot pink.

That is all,

Newt

The Rise and Fall of Foreigner

My essay focuses on the band Foreigner. When asked what I consider to be foreign, the first thing that came to mind was the '80's band that signifies all things foreign.

Foreigner was started in 1976 by two British musicians, Mick Jones & Ian McDonald along with four others. They started out with the self titled album Foreigner. It gave us hits such as "Feels Like the First Time" and "Cold as Ice". These were Top 20 songs. Their second album, Double Vision was even more successful selling five million records and contained both "Hot Blooded" and title track "Double Vision".

They continued putting out great music such as "Jukebox Hero", "Waiting for a Girl Like You", and "Urgent" which came off of their fourth album as well as "Head Games" from their third.

The leads of the band decided to attempt solo projects in the late 1980's but reunited in 1987 for another album. However, fans weren't impressed. After being gone for so long, a comeback wasn't in the cards.

Mick Jones tried reforming the band in 1990 and released an album that was unsuccessful. Subsequent attempts to reform also failed. This was another example of an 80's band that could not die out gracefully. But at their peak, Foreigner was a band to be reckoned with.

This is my essay on what I deem foreign.

That is all,

Newt

Shut Down

I was having trouble coming up with a post today and then I went to tell Diana something while I was in the kitchen. I immediately got told "I'm trying to watch this show!" And then it hit me; I had just been shut down. Thus, this post.

I absolutely hate getting shut down. If I need to tell someone something, it annoys me to no end when someone stops me from saying it. At work today, I went into my boss's office to show her that a package that I was supposed to have gotten two weeks ago just got delivered. I showed her the packet that came with it and she took it and started reading it. When I said, let me have it back, she stuck her index finger up to tell me "Oh no, I am reading and you will not talk to me." I, of course, paraphrased the meaning of the finger. I finally got fed up with it and said, "Just give me the packet, I have work to do and don't have time for this."

I am not going to be hypocritical about this. I am as guilty of this as anyone. I admit it, but I still hate people that do this, people like me. My mind works like this. If something comes into my head I try to say it, because if I don't I will probably forget it. So, if I start speaking, shut the hell up! This goes for you. Yes, you.

That is all,

Newt

Snakes on a Plane

Who isn't excited about the new movie Snakes on a Plane? I cannot wait for this thing to come out. I am deathly afraid of snakes and I will still be sitting at this film. The buzz behind it is awesome and every time I think about the premise I just laugh. Of all the things to try to kill someone with, are snakes really the best choice? No! But they sure as hell are a funny one.

Plus with Sammy Jackson in the lead it is extra awesome. I can't imagine anyone else playing in this part. If you go to http://www.snakesonaplane.com/ you can even email or call someone with a personalized message straight from Samuel L. Jackson. I sent one to Thomas that called him a suck up with a boyfriend. Ha.

It has been a long time since a movie has had this much build up. With all the publicity and projected success, we can only hope that Snakes on a Train is already in production. The possibilities for this franchise are limited only by the different number of transportation methods out there. Snakes on a Cruise Ship, Snakes in a Tanker, and with the space race still going strong we could even have Snakes on a Rocket.

OH, I JUST CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF.

That is all,

Newt

Aren't Movies Grand?

I got rest this weekend. We didn't leave the house very much and when we did we were eating. And it was awesome. We even drove to Hurst to get some Rosa's, which was much needed.

Anyway, to the point of my post. I love movies. Over the weekend I watched Memento and Dr. Strangelove, neither of which I had ever seen up to this point. These are two movies on opposite ends of the spectrum but both were none the less enjoyable. And I loved them both.

I know that people say that movies are getting repetitive and no new original ideas are being used, but really who cares. Movies are great. Sure, I hate the Scary Movie franchise as much as the next guy and I could really care less what the next Wayan's movie will be. But I can enjoy a remake if it is done well and there are still so many new ideas that are being made. Movies like 'Snakes on a Plane' and 'Little Miss Sunshine' make me want to rush out to the theatre.

So the next time you think "Damn, Jackie Chan is in another buddy comedy" just remember that there is a new Zach Braff film coming soon.

That is all,

Newt

My Oh My! An Old Naked Guy

Yesterday, as I was walking the dogs to check the mail, I heard a door open on my left. I had just finished scolding Hazel when I turned to see a man of about 65 or so standing naked in his doorway. Or so I thought. As I turned to see him, he was walking out the door. I could only see the right side of his body and it looked like he was naked.

The reason it looked like this is that he was wearing a thong. No, not flip flops but that nice piece of butt floss that no Grandfather should be without. I would have kept thinking that he was nude except that he turned back into his house once he saw me and I got a shot of his crotch. He was wearing an itsy bitsy, teeny weenie, YELLOW banana hammock.(insert shudder here)

After checking the mail (mostly junk in case you were wondering) I looked out the window of our apartment. It faces the pool so I could see the man was outside sunbathing in his little suit. Diana seems to think he must go out there because it is the only way he can get any action. At least it explains the sunglasses.

That is all,

Newt

Who's Your Daddy?

Well, if you are looking at the title of this post you might think I am going to go into some tyrannical rant about the greatness that is Newt. Well, Wrong. I use this title because last night I felt old.

Diana and I went to Kohls. Backup, before I give this story I must state a fact. I have never bought a pair of jeans that weren't from Old Navy. I have owned a couple of pair, but never have I put money down on jeans without the Old Navy Logo on them. It's the same with Boxers.

Back to the point. Last night, as I was walking around Kohls, waiting for Diana to finish shopping, I came across some jeans that were in my price range and looked decent. I picked up my size and tried them on and they seemed like a good fit. So I carried them away and went to find Diana. I was a little apprehensive about the pants.

So as soon as I see Diana I ask "Do you think I can pull these jeans off?" Why did I ask this? Because I am a little bit older and don't want to look like the old guy that kids laugh at for trying to look young. I know that 24 isn't old, but when I shop in the same isle as teenagers I get a little apprehensive. Not to mention that I am stepping out of my comfort zone. God I feel ancient sometimes.

That is all...because my arthritis is acting up and I can't type anymore,

Newt

I'm Back

Well, what a weekend, I got in yesterday and am exhausted. Diana wanted to go out to eat last night so we jumped in the truck and headed for food. Our journey ended up taking us to Don Pablo's, which I do not recommend. We didn't know that at the time but we learned from our mistake.

While waiting for our waitress, Diana and I looked over at a large group of teenagers that were sharing a table. There were probably 10 or so of them of varying disguises. John Hughes would have been proud of the cast.

There was the short ugly girl, the large kid who most likely ordered a meal with a number higher than his I.Q., the pretty one, the smart one, and the one that is the real focus of this post.
Facing us was the Popular one. And how did we know he was the Popular one. Well, he needed a haircut, he was wearing very preppy clothes and we saw him rub his phone on his face and everyone laughed. Why, because it was a Razr phone and he was shaving.

I hate to say it, but they thought it was funny. And what is worse, had this been my high school days I might have made the same joke. Life is cruel.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomen-Culture

I hate my life

Man, this day has/did suck. It all depends on when you are reading this. It is days like these that really make me hate my life. Isn't that ridiculous? I am healthy, have a decent job and have a great fiancee and yet I still say that.

I have been dreading this week for a while. It is a short week for me, or a long one depending on how you look at it. I only have to work until Thursday afternoon but when I leave work, I fly to Houston to attend a conference until Sunday afternoon. So I don't get a weekend, and I really needed one of those. Add to that the fact that I have actually been experiencing stress related to working and you can see the predicament I am in.

Oh, and I haven't gone twosies in 4 days. Yep, I don't know what that is all about because I keep eating. I am sleepy from partying these last two weekends, I may in fact fall asleep at some point today. But not likely as I am too buy working.

My one salvation is that I am going to go buy V for Vendetta tonight and will probably force Diana to watch it. Ha. Plus, they are having one of the greatest sales I have seen in a while at Circuit City so I am doubly excited.

Woe is me,

Newt

Concert People are the Greatest

Man, what is it about a concert that will make people do such crazy stuff? Is it the 100 degree heat? Is it the $7 beer? Is it that they will sit on a grassy knoll just to hear "Open Arms"? Yes. This weekend my little buddy Thomas, and his lovely bride came down to let their dog pee on my couch. Oh wait, scratch that. They came to watch a concert of epic proportions that was Journey/Def Leppard.

We got lawn seats and they ended up being pretty decent. But the amount of crazy that surrounded us was unbelievable. Case in point. Lets say that you are standing at a concert with a bunch of friends and its around 9 o'clock. Def Leppard has just started playing and all of the sudden that 15th beer hits you and you gotta go. What do you do?
a) wait for a song you don't like and run to the restroom
b) hold it no matter how long it takes because Dammit, Def Leppard rocks!
c) whisper to your wife that you need to pee and get her to hand you a cup

Well, if you said C then you must have also seen the dude in the Union Jack shirt whip it out and take a leak while his wife and friends casually blocked the view. And what do you do with said cup of pee? Well, you sit it on the hill and ignore the fact that it spilled.

Along with this lovely sight was the pasty whiteness that was the fat ladies ass that Jessica saw as the woman decided underwear weren't really her thing. She was nice enough to try to hide under a blanket as she did it.

All in all, the concert was pretty good. I am not as big a fan of Def Leppard as the rest of the crowd was, but Journey rocked it and that's all I needed. There was also the story of the Alcohol triplets, but I don't want to blow your mind. So I will just let Thomas tell you that one.

That is all,

Newt

Birthday Syndrome

Well, as many of you know my old lady had a birthday yesterday. She turned a whoppin' 24 and I am right behind her. So as I was getting a cup of coffee at work this morning I thought of something. You know how when you ask someone on their birthday how it feels to be (insert age here) and they say "Feels the same as when I was (year younger than age previously inserted)? Well I thought "Do we ever feel older?"

Think about it for just a second, I didn't. If every time you ask someone "How's it feel" and they always answer "Same as before" then we must never feel older. I feel fairly confident in making the blanket statement that everyone answers this question with the same answer, so it is now scientifically proven by me that we do not feel aging.

Now, sure if you ask how it feels to be 24 compared to 12 then you will get a different answer. For one thing, you will now have pubes. But if every year, you don't feel different than the day before, a time line will prove that at age 24 you feel the same as age 12.

Science is Awesome!

That is all,

Newt

Flashback: Fieldtrip to the Luxor

Well, for those of you who don't know, I used to keep a journal. I replaced it with this blog, so you should all be grateful for your involvemnt. It was very simple, consisting of one of those black and white College Composition books. I decided today I would reach back into those journals and share a day that was very interesting. Looking back, I read how incredibly crappy my day to day life was, but sometimes interesting little tidbits occur. Hell, if this works out I might do more of these. So I present to you "June 5th 2004. My commentary will be in red.

"Diana and I went to the Luxor tonight with Dan. I tried to get everyone else to go but they wouldn't.(My friends suck) After Erin's party, I came home and got ready and laid down to rest until it was time to go. Diana called and told me she was tired and tried to weasel out of going. I got ticked off and told her she didn't have a choice.(You hear that? That was the whip cracking) She came over and we left. We had to stop by the ATM and while we were there, Diana's card got stuck in the machine.(Only on the way to a gay club would the ATM eat a card) Dan paid our way in and we had a lot of fun.(Thanks Dan)
This was the 1st gay bar I'd ever been to and it was interesting. It was really dark and there were screens showing men dancing and kissing together.(They were also doing other things but I didn't mention it at the time) The bartender was cool. He would bow to us every time he made a drink.
Dan, Diana and I all danced to Techno, which I am surprisingly decent at. She and Dan get along great and I sat out some with Dan's friend Brandy and a cop named Officer Kissime(His actual name, not a stage name) who bought us a shot. We were sweaty and tired by the time we left but came home and had mind blowing sex for an hour.(This is what I wrote, I did not doctor this so apparently I must be an excellent lover)"

So this is what I wrote the first time I went to a gay bar. Looking back on it, it really was an awesome experience and I am glad I wrote it down. Especially when I am short on creativity for the Lily Pad.

That is all,

Newt

Break Time

Well, we had a whirlwind weekend with Dan and Dustin. We completed the tradition of eating at Macaroni Grill and went to the Allen Outlet mall. We went and saw "Strangers With Candy". We shopped til we dropped at the Galleria. We had alot of fun with them and can't wait for them to come back.

But now that they are gone, Whew! I am exhausted. I feel fat from eating out so much, no matter that the food was great. I didn't get nearly enough sleep the last couple of days and I am not actually sure when I will be able to catch up on it. I am broke now. Oh wait, I was always broke. Scratch that last one.

I love when people come to visit. It is a little break from the mundane that is normally my life. I get to show them places that I like and usually whoever is visiting will be up for things that I want to do. It gets me out of the house and makes me experience life. It also makes me feel lazy because I normally see that I am a homebody by the end of the weekend.

So, give me a few days to recuperate and then bring it on again. This weekend, we get Thomas & Jess. We also get Def Leopard and Journey. Luckily, they aren't as crazy as "The Gays".

That is all,

Newt

I need a drink

Boy Howdy. I have been working like crazy the last couple of days(note lack of posts). I have just taken on a position with my company as the Accounts Receivable person and during my training I am keeping my old job as well.

It has been a hectic first week training. The last two days I haven't had a lunch hour and to top it all off I have been going to work early to offset some stuff. I am craving a beer to relax so I am going to have to wait on Diana to get off so we can go find dinner and a happy hour. Heck, the last couple of days have been so busy I haven't even picked up a book.

I need a rest. Luckily Dan and Dustin, the Gays as my mom likes to call them, are coming into town this weekend for a visit. This means I get too talk comic books and penis' all weekend long. I am so excited. I might even go to a gay bar and play some Mrs. Pac Man.

Wheeeeeee!!!!!

That is all,

Newt

The Inlaws is comin'

Well, its finally happening. Diana's mom and stepdad are coming to visit. They never made it to our old apartment and now they are finally stopping into town for a couple of days to do some sightseeing and go to Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor.

This visit, of course, means that we will inevitably have to clean. Luckily we have other guests coming this weekend so cleaning was already on the agenda. I always have a problem when people come to visit because I am never sure how to entertain them.

My dad came a while back and, while I think he had fun, I was constantly uneasy about making sure that he was enjoying himself. Lucky for me, Diana's parents aren't coming to stay with us, just visiting for the evening. I am all together positive that I couldn't keep them entertained all weekend.

I suppose going to dinner will be an easy way to get their visit taken care of, though I am sure that I will only hear conversation about the wedding(which can't come fast enough in my opinion). Plus we will be having two 14 year olds as Diana's stepdad is bringing his daughter and a friend. Wheee!!!

Oh what joy I have to look forward to on Wednesday. I guess comic book day will have to be postponed until Thursday.

That is all,

Newt

If I were a rich man...

Yesterday, we went to the Horse Races. Horse Races are when a bunch of silly people look at a book that has tons of information that they really don't understand, and then they look at the horses name and pick the one they like the best. Then they put money that the horse they pick will win the race, or come in second or third.

Yesterday at the Race Track in Grand Prairie, it was Dollar day. That means that parking, entry into the park, beer, soda, and hot dogs were all only a buck each. Diana, Erin and I, along with one of Erins friends, decided along with the other bazillion people that this was too good a deal to pass up.

The great part about this all was that I walked out winning. No, I can't retire but I went in with $10 and had I not blown $8 on two bad bets, I would have walked out with $20. Instead, I ended up with $12.70. But, hey at least I was a winner. And I did loose a litte before my winning streak started, so I did pretty good.

And boy howdy, a hot dog for a buck was a good deal. I only ate one, but just the idea that the plentifulness of the hot dogs is enough to make me smile. I can only assume that Dollar day was initiated yesterday because it was going to be about 100 degrees and they new that there was no other way that people would go. Still, it was a lot of fun.

Oh the possibilities for my big profits, I guess I will be able to get tea for a couple more days from Chick Fil-A now.

That is all,

Newt

The Biography of Newt

Hello all, today we delve into the psyche that is Newt the Wonder Frog. My biography is this: I am constantly trying to become something better than myself. If you don't have anything to say, Stop Talking. I just don't care!

What? Better than you already are. That is impossible you say, and I can't blame you, I am pretty terrific. Terrific is a funny word. Terrific, I like that. Anyways. I will now regale you with the Biography of Newt.

I am a six foot tall blob. I am forty pounds overweight and I am trying to get better. I have a 4o dollar a week habit that is worse than drugs because it is legal. That addiction is comic books. I am happy about 60% of the day, and the other 40 is spent at work. I constantly pick my nose. So what. Quit judging me about it. I like to stick my finger up there and dig. So sue me. I will alternate fingers to adjust for the density of a booger. And, I occasionally bring them to my mouth before I catch myself. This is like an alcoholic who almost drinks. I used to eat my boogers and it is still embedded into my mind that as soon as a finger leaves my nose, it should enter my mouth. But I do stop myself. I haven't consumed snot since 7th grade.

I am constantly trying to be funny. I will tell jokes that will make people laugh. I will also tell jokes that don't make people laugh. And when that happens, I make fun of myself because they will at least laugh at the paltry excuse for a human that is in front of them.

I love Diana. This is what really defines me. That and reading. I used to only read comics but then I discovered this lost art called books and I have never been the same. If you don't read, well SCREW YOU! It is a sad day that a book doesn't do it for you.

I hate people. Not persons, but people. Crowds make me angry. Mob mentality has never made sense to me. Think for yourselves you fudging sheep. I don't cuss much, as my last sentence shows. I want to but I don't. People are stupid. That is a fact. What one person will deem unacceptable, a group will deem acceptable. And that is just ridiculous.

I hate my fat. But I live with it. My sister makes me angry beyond comprehension. She f*#*s her life away and then expects help. This is why people make me so angry. Individualism has left the building. I am tipsy. I like to masturbate. Quit judging me. You all do it, you prudes. Stop acting holier than thou.

Humanity should probably be wiped out and we should just start over. But, as I have a disbelief in GOD, this can only happen as a natural disaster and they seem to have the bird flu under watch. So I guess I will just have to keep on going. That's what we will all do. Ride the Wave!

That is all,

Newt

You Like Dat?

Well, I am so very proud of myself. Last night, after about an hour of playing with it, I finally got a picture placed in the sidebar of this very blog. I have to say, whoever came up with HTML is a smarter man than I. I really don't know exactly how I did it. I used some code that I found from a help site and then played with it until a picture appeared.

So now, I will be keeping you abreast of my reading habits. I will be trying to keep this updated so hopefully I can keep it up.

That is all,

Newt

What a Novel Idea!

I read a TIME article last week that posed the question "Who's the voice of this Generation?" It went into how throughout the years, authors have put out work that seemingly defines that generation, yet right now there is no real voice for people in the new millennium. It traces F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway to Salinger to Kerouac to Heller to Vonnegut and mentions a few people I have never really heard of as the later generation comes along.

I never really thought about this before, but I guess its true. Most authors now days right drivel, and the few that don't are either underappreciated or way to specialized to be considered our "Voice". They did mention two awesome writers that I personally read as candidates for the voice, but their age sort of keeps them out of the running.

It is interesting to think that throughout the last 100 years we have looked at a generation by the novels they read. Books like The Sun Also Rises and On the Road helped define their perspective time periods. Yet now it seems that The DaVinci Code and The Atkins Diet sell more that introspective books. I linked the article below.

http://www.time.com/time/archive/preview/0,10987,1209947,00.html

I guess when it comes down to it, we really won't have our own "Voice". Certain people will connect with one writer, while others will discover someone completely different. Our world has evolved past having one "Voice". We are just too different. Instead, we have to carry on a "Conversation".

That is all,

Newt

Depression

I am feeling a little depressed today. I was at work and one of the salesmen dropped off some papers at my desk. He called me later to ask if I had found them, they were directly in front of my computer and were as tall as a ream of paper. He said "Just wanted to make sure you found them since you weren't home when I dropped them by."

Not Home? As if I live at the Jarvis Press. Oh, wait. I do! I spend more time there than at my apartment. I have my own phone line, which is more than I can say when it comes to the house. My screensaver comes on and comic book covers appear. I can't even think of the last time I was home long enough for my laptop to have a screen saver turn on.

It almost makes me sick to think that the average person puts in more time at their job than they do at home. We make work as tolerable as possible. Putting up pictures, bringing our coffee mugs, maybe a radio or an oscillating fan or space heater.

I just heard "Not Home" and the rest of my day was ruined. Not to mention I found out how muh weight I need to loose to be considered not overweight. And I got a long way to go. I hope to be able to salvage what little time I have at home this evening. Of course, I just put five minutes into this blog, so I guess I don't have anything too pressing going on in my life.

Woe is me,

Newt

Mama Mia! Here I go Again...

So, last night I was dragged to another of the Dallas Summer Musicals. This time it was Mama Mia. The musical incorporates most of ABBA's music as it tells the story of a girl who is about to get married and at the same time trying to figure out who her father is. I will preface this all by saying that I did not want to go see this show. I can't stand ABBA's music. It grates me.

Saying that, the show was Awesome. It was funny and didn't use all of the cliched character designs that most of the musicals we have been watching do. I laughed out loud at most of this show. The story was almost endearing. I was pleasantly surprised.

I think the reason I liked it so much was, while ABBA music was used, ABBA wasn't singing. All of the songs were used to tell the story and weren't thrown in for no reason. And, at the end of the performance the entire cast came out on stage and sang and danced. It felt like I was at a concert.

I highly recommend this musical, which is saying a lot.

That is all,

Newt

Reading is Fun...demental

I have been rather lacking in this weeks blogs. Sorry about that. That stupid Holiday has made me all turned around. So, I wanted to post today about people who don't read. These people, and I term them "Stupid", are the people that "Just wait for the movie" or "Don't like to read."

I am going to stand on my soap box for this post. I know that it would be too much to ask that every person read a book. Hell, I would be happy if everyone set a goal that they read one book a year. But that doesn't happen. I wish I knew the statistics on how many people over the age of 18 have read one book in their adult lives. You would be surprised at how low that number probably is.

Why is it so difficult for someone to read a 300 page novel but the level of laziness is high enough that they can sit and watch four hours of whatever drivel is on TV? I firmly believe that there is a book out there for everyone. Now trying to find it poses the problem. I can pick up a novel and not be able to put it down. Why can't other people?

The level of stupidity in America is rising daily and I can, with great confidence, say that it is due to people having a negative attitude to read. Maybe we should reinstitute the Book It program, but for adults. For every book they read, they get a free bottle of beer...or something like that. Being an avid reader, it really pisses me off when I know without a shadow of a doubt, that if I asked a coworker if they had read so and so book, that their answer is no.

There, now I feel a little bit better. I think I will relax and finish the book I am reading.

That is all,

Newt

It's Independence Time!

It's that time again. Time to celebrate the independence of our great country. And what did I do this weekend to celebrate my independence? By independence, I mean I was left all alone for four days, but I digress.

Friday. Dropped Diana off at airport signaling the start of "Independence Weekend." After aerobics, I watched "Night Watch", read Lost by Gregory Maguire and played Paper Mario.

Sat. Went and saw "The Devil Wears Prada" and "Click", read Lost by Gregory Maguire, and played Paper Mario. Also watched Snatch.

Sun. Went to grocery store, read Lost by Gregory Maguire, and played Paper Mario. Seeing a trend here? Also watched "Stripes" w/Bill Murray.

Mon. Worked a little, there's something new. Finished reading Lost by Gregory Maguire(Yah!), and played Paper Mario. Also watched "Almost Famous." The only real noteworthy thing was that I did get to try a new Tai place, so there's that. I went to work out but the class was canceled so I went to Half Price books and found a memoir I have been itchin' to read.

You know, I am all for that independence thing, but I just don't think it fits me so well.

That is all,

Newt

I am a teenage girl

This afternoon, I decided since everyone had left for the weekend, leaving me all alone that I would take in a movie. What did I go see but the new Anne Hathaway film "The Devil Wears Prada" Most of you that know me can attest to my love of teen flicks. This movie is alittle to that vein and the estrogen level of the movie could be felt in the theatre as I was the only male in there.

No matter the stars, the movie was good. It was the coming of age story of a girl who gets a job at a fasion magazine and her trials in realizing what she wants out of her life. It was very formulaic but otherwise enjoyable. But no, it was no Ella Enchanted.

I also snuck in to "Click." Yes it was wrong of me to watch the movie without paying but really, it was "Click." Another six bucks to watch a movie about a man who gets to see how he doesn't appreciate his life and realizes it too late, then wakes up from the dream he is having so he can change it all. It's been done and Hollywood still hasn't figured out how to fix it.

That is all,

Newt

McEquality

I have a fairly regular tradition now that I work two miles away from Whataburger. At least once a week I go to eat there and take a book to read while I eat my #5: Bacon Cheeseburger, plain mustard only, Whatasized with an Ice Tea.

If you have never read in a fast food establishment then you should really try it. There is a level of anonymity that a book gives you. You can read and be left alone for most of the time you are there. You don’t get looked at because people assume you are reading.

During my literary lunches is when I discovered a fact that never occurred to me working two years at the wonder that is Taco Villa. Fast food is the great equalizer. From behind a book, newspaper, or magazine a person gets to people watch. And what you see is that EVERYBODY eats fast food.

In my forays to the lunch counter, I have seen beauties & beast, elderly & infant, male & female. Just a few days ago I saw an aged man with a chin that reached inches farther than it should accompany a Chinese woman with no facial hair. No eyebrows, no eyelashes. But they were drawn on. I saw a family of four that were avid golfers. I saw a girl who looked like she has never eaten a hamburger ordering a combo. Right behind her a woman who looks like she should be served in between a bun rather than ordering her sister.

Everyone eats out. Everyone. This is not a blanket statement. You will never be able to find a person who has never eaten at a Jack in the Box, McDonalds, or Burger King. Pick a restaurant. It doesn’t matter.

With Racism, bigotry and all around dislike for people in general, the fast food industry is the place where we can all come together. As long as you can afford to buy your dinner, it doesn't matter who you are. Name another time that you have eaten in the same room as a homeless person. Exactly. Even President Clinton was a fan of the Big Mac.

Unity should be defined by a combo number. And if you Upsize, then you'll have just increased the solidarity of the world.

That is all,

Newt

The Rafting Expedition

So, Saturday was the big White Water Adventure. I got my ship in the water right at 7 a.m. and started my journey along the canal. The weather was perfect. It was sprinkling off and on, but the amount was just enough that it cooled me down without getting me wet. I had a little bit of trouble with my oars. Word to the wise. If you buy a raft that comes with oars, the little rubber washers that come with them need to be inserted below the cuff. I was not informed of this until I had gotten tired of them moving and pulled them off, only to have one fall in the lake.

My rowing left little to be desired because after loosing my rubber washer, the oars wouldn't stay in the same place. I was constantly floating right or left because my rowing power wasn't equal. But, I got going and made it under the major street that the water goes under.

Another tidbit of info, If you are floating down a man made creek, check to see if there are drop offs. In my case, I came across my first right after the overpass I crossed under. Luckily there was a wall that was only three feet tall and I was able to lift myself and my raft up and walk it down into the next part of water. However, I did loose the other rubber washer in this endeavor.

I ended my journey after about an hour because I came upon another drop off that I had no way of getting past. I ended up turning around and rowing back home. All in all, I stayed in the water about two hours. I had a lot of fun and I might try to go again this weekend to a lake near our house. Below is the link to the slideshow of pictures for my trip.

http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLandingSignin.jsp?Uc=lmh0qs7.14x83emv&Uy=-45sbxt&Upost_signin=Slideshow.jsp%3Fmode%3Dfromshare&Ux=0&UV=201218357784_77691373111

That is all,

Newt

Chuck Palahniuk signing

Well, a couple weeks back I went to a book signing for Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. I waited to post about this because I got a picture taken by the girl behind me in line and was waiting on her to email it, but that hasn't happened so I will now recount the events.

I got to Borders for the signing about 6:15 and I am hella glad I got there when I did. The signing was to begin at 7 and since I hadn't heard any press about it, I assumed it would be slightly crowded but not too incredibly bad. I was wrong. When I walked in the door and purchased my copy of the book, Chuck was already signing. The line had snaked its way through the CDs, DVDs, gift books, and most of the smaller book sections and reached all the way to Childrens.

I got a white ticket to distinguish me from the pink tickets and stood in line. I can estimate that there were at least 200 people in line ahead of me and that is probably a lowball. At 7, Diana showed up and got to meet my new friends. Right behind me were three girls from Denton who had driven down to meet Chuck and as we had a long wait ahead of us, I struck up a conversation. I had hoped the line would zoom along, but Mr. Palahniuk decided to speak for 45 minutes so I had only moved about 50 feet in an hour and a half.

By the time we hit DVDs, it was time for dinner so I went to the cafe and got two teas and two chocolate chip cookies. This was the main course, as our appetizer consisted of a tin of Jelly Belly Jellybeans. My new friends and I started to get bored around 8 so we pulled out a piece of paper and started writing. That's right, we wrote. Each person would begin a short set of sentences and before they passed it on, they would hide what they wrote. The next author would then build off the last sentence written and at the end we would see what was produced. Interesting game if you ever need to kill some time.

All in all, I finally got my books signed at 10:50. You heard right folks. I was at Borders for 4 1/2 hours. The best part of the story. When I went to the bookstore a couple of days ago, I ran across almost all of the books I got signed on the shelf. All of them autographed.

Did I mention I stood next to Chuck Palahniuk?

Newt

I was Huck Finn in a previous life

On Monday I decided something. I decided I would go buy me a raft and float “The River.” In this case, my mighty Mississippi is the pond next to my apartment. For those of you who don’t know, our apartment is next to a park and in the park there is a pond. The pond runs out and goes under Macarthur and follows some streets. I am not exactly sure where the pond ends up but I intend to find out. So, with my trusty sidekicks Duncan and Hazel, we will float the river.

Below is the map. The blue part is where we will be floating. I plan to start in the morning so anyone driving around my area, swing by and see if you can spot me. I will try to take pictures and put them on here sometime next week.


Ahoy,

Newt

America DOES have Talent

So, last night after I got back from the gym, yes I did go to aerobics again, I was too tired to really do anything but read so I turned on the TV. What did I watch? America’s Got Talent. I started watching it because I assumed it would be a train wreck. I mean, c’mon. David Hasselhoff & teen sensation Brandy are the judges. But as I started watching it, I could understand the draw.

Random people audition their talents with the hope of winning a Million Dollars. Mind you, these talents are various and some are awful but that was what got me to tune in. Some of my favorites? The ventriloquist who, for the love of god I don’t know how, was able to speak while moving his lips. That wasn’t the trick though. The trick was he could speak normally while moving his lips like those Godzilla people. He would say “There’s Godzilla” but his lips would be moving in random ways like he was speaking Japanese. It was freaky.

There was also a magician who went into a giant microwave that filled with smoke and when he came out he was a black man. He even looked in his pants and jumped for joy. Funny stuff.

The rappin’ Granny finished out the show and I don’t care who you are, a 65 year old black woman dressed in a house dress that busts out with talk of bullets keeping her up til 4 am is Ggggrrreeeaaatt.

So, I now have a new show for the summer. I’m not saying I will watch it every week but if I am home, and lets face it I am usually am, then I will turn it on.

That is all,

Newt

I owe someone an Egg McMuffin

NOOOOOOOO! The Mavs lost the Finals. WHY, Because they didn't play well? Or could it be that I am cursed and placed a bet on the game? Now, luckily I didn't put money on the game. Instead I bet...breakfast. That's right, I owe Joseph, a guy I work with, a McDonalds Breakfast platter.

So, thanks a lot Dirk and while I hate the fact that Dallas lost the series, I am also disappointed that tomorrow morning I have to go through the drive thru to buy a payoff of a bet when I was so looking forward to the Egg McMuffin that I was supposed to get.

That is all...for the Mavs,

Newt

I'm So Excited and I just can't hide it!

So, as you all know, I got engaged. Due to this turn of events I will soon be getting engagement photos, and eventually photos, taken. There is one problem to all of this however, in that I am a fat ass.

Since moving to the Big D, and I do mean Dallas, I have put on a few more pounds then I would care to admit. So in an effort to start to trim down before the ill-fated picture day, Diana and I went to the Monday aerobics class at our apartments gym. This was not a pleasant experience.

I fully admit that I am extremely out of shape. But DAMN GENA! (Thank You, Martin) I was fairly sure that I was going to vomit after about half of that workout and by the end the blood was rushing to my head so quickly that I was pretty sure that my brain was boiled. I have never worked out that hard in my life. And I know that is sad as at 23 I am just feeling "the Burn".

There is another class on Wednesday and as of right now I plan on going, though depending on how easy it is to walk tomorrow, I may have to rethink the situation. But for now,

That is all,

Newt

Just what the Doctor Ordered

So, today at work we bought Pizza for a guy for his birthday lunch and while we were eating I broke. By that I don't mean that any part of me snapped off, though I have about 30 lbs that could fall off. No, I mean that I broke down and did something that I haven't done since High School. I drank...a Dr. Pepper.

For those of you who don't know, this was my drug of choice throughout most of my adolescent life. I would put back three or four of these a day. But I finally decided to kick the habit when I turned 16 and I haven't looked back.

Sure, I had some Dr. Pepper flavored Jelly Belly's and I would kiss Diana after she had drank one, intentionally I might add. But I never threw one back until today. What made me do it? you ask. I have no idea. It was just sitting there and I was out of water in my cup. I looked at it, staring longingly and remembering all the good time me and the Doc use to have. And I have to say, It was good.

Now don't worry. I'm not back on the wagon, or is it off the wagon? I never could get that one down. No, I just went for it and now I will probably wait a few years and then have another one. But, I just had to confess my sin.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomin-Culture

Civil War - Major Revelations

So, for anyone who read my last post on the greatness that is Marvel Civil War, issue two just came out and DAMN! I am going to warn that I am giving a major piece of news away but as no one who reads this reads comics I will now go for it.

Spiderman revealed his identity to the world. That's right, the secret is out. Iron Man held a press conference and Peter Parker announced to the world on national television that he was Spiderman and has always been. I am just getting my mouth off the floor.


This is monumental. So many things will change after this. His family will never be safe. The need for a mask goes right out the window and he won't have to be running from the law because with this, he is now registered. That means he is a government agent. A paid agent. He's no longer a vigilante.

I peed myself a little just thinking about it. Sometimes they say "After this things will never be the same" but this is really one of those times.

So for now That is all,

Newt

Zombies Rock

So, I am currently reading a set of Graphic Novels of the comic book series 'The Walking Dead' and can I just say that I am really getting turned around on the whole Undead thing. I use to think that zombies were stupid and had no value but after reading this and seeing movies like Shaun of the Dead I realize that zombies aren't stupid, well I mean they are because they have no thought process because they are dead, but they have great story value.

In 'The Walking Dead' a man wakes up from a coma and the entire world has been zombiefied. He goes looking for survivors and finds his family living with a group of humans. The story is really character driven and the zombies are used as a looming threat. They stop the humans from finding food and shelter, but are barely in the book. The real story happens after the zombies appear because people who you wouldn't normally care about are now interesting because we see how they survive.



Also, the use of zombies as a comedic device have numerous possibilities. Why, I was just reading 'Marvel Zombies,' which is a zombie take on the Marvel superheroes, and lets just say that when Zombie Hulk eats a leg of a person and then changes back to Bruce Banner, the leg doesn't fit so well and busts out. Pure comedy gold. Plus, Zombie Spiderman is even funnier than regular Spidey.

All in all I have really changed my opinion of Zombies. And with that I say...

That is all,

Newt

A Modest Proposal

I AM ENGAGED!!! Well, now that we got that out of the way, I now present to you...my proposal.

Have you ever proposed to someone? Well, if you have then you know that it is very helpful if the person being proposed to wants to go out to where you want to propose. In my case Diana, the bride to be, was not so helpful. You see, we had previously decided to clean our filthy apartment and I thought this would help my cause because once we were done I assumed she would want to go out to a nice dinner. Wrong. Instead, I got dressed nicely and she informed me that she didn't want to get dressed up. She wanted to stay in her jeans.

Well, let me tell you that didn't sit to well with my dinner plans but I am not a quitter, so instead I asked her "Where do you want to go eat?" thinking that at least we could go eat somewhere of her choosing. This was when my second bubble burst. "I don't really want to go anywhere. I am too tired."

So, guess what happens when a groom to be tries twice to get his soon to be fiancee to go to dinner and is declined. He gets pissed. After a few minutes of fuming and saying that I would just eat whatever we had in the pantry, I just said "Get in the car, we're going to Fuddruckers." That's right, Fuddruckers, where you can get the World's Greatest Hamburger.

So, after a while over my Bacon Cheeseburger, I looked at my phone and noticed that Thomas had text me and it got us talking about planning weddings, as Thomas was at a wedding hence the discussion. Well that got Diana to say "I am not looking forward to planning a wedding," and being the smart ass that I am I said "Great, does that mean I don't have to propose?"

Let's just say that comment set Diana off. She started yelling and saying, "You just need to shut up about it. Either propose or stop talking about it because I am getting tired of your comments. You know, you say you're joking but maybe there is a hint of truth when you say stuff like that." I had the RING IN MY POCKET. How ironic is it that she said that when she was just feet away from her ring. So I just said ok and got up from the table and went to the restroom. We left shortly after that.

Now to the part on how I was going to propose to begin with. I had gotten one of those little toy holding bubbles that things come in when you buy them out of the turn machines. I had put her ring in it and after dinner I was going to find one of those machines, tell her that I couldn't wait any longer, and buy a toy ring and switch it out with the one I had. Then I was going to trick her into thinking I was proposing with a toy and then she would be surprised to find a real diamond on her finger.

That isn't how it happened. Instead, we came home and sat on the couch and I slid down to the floor and then crawled up on my knees and asked "Are you still mad?" She of course said yes and then I asked "Do you still love me?" I didn't get a lot of enthusiasm but she gave me an "I guess."

I pulled the bubble out of my pocket and said "Honey, I bought you a ring from the machine at the restaurant." She didn't think this was funny but I popped the ring out and kept it hidden. I told her I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and took her right hand and started sliding the ring on her finger. She kept saying "This isn't funny" and then informed me that I had the wrong hand.

After switching hands, I got the ring on the right finger and asked her to Marry Me. She finally started to wonder and said, "Are you serious?" I pulled my hands away so she could see the ring and asked her "Does this look serious to you?" And she cried. It took a while but I finally told her she never answered my question and she finally sobbed "Yes"

So that is how Trinity and Diana got engaged. If anyone wants to hear the story, you can now forward them to the written version and save yourself the trouble.

That is all,

Newt

Daytime TV, Oh how I missed you

Don't you just love Jerry Springer? Poor Liz, her husband is sleeping with his step-sister, but she is here to get him back.

"This Marriage is supposed to be 50/50 not 50/25" But can you blame Randy, "I love my sister, and I don't love you, don't need you". But Liz isn't going to give up so easily. "It takes two to tango, buddy."

Randy sheds some light on why he felt the need to sleep with his sister. "The first four years was pretty good, then we was married, and our love just fell, like when I go out playing Horseshuuus, and she starts yelling "Randy!"

But I sure thought they could reconcile. Then we met Sis. What a catch. Bleach blond hair, skinny as a Ethiopian, and oooh that gap in her teeth was ssssmokin. She was there to fight for her man/brother. That's when Jerry brought up what I think is a very good point, "Don't you feel strange being with your brother?"

Sis responded,
"I'm not blood, were step" and that's where I think the real logic lies.

There was a heated debate between Liz & Sis though. After taking her unborn baby into consideration, Sis informed Liz that "If yous wasn't pregnant I'd put you on the floor".

Liz didn't seem to appreciate all the concern for her kids, and she let Sis know it.
"You don't tell me how to raise my kids"
In which she responded, "No cause I raise 'em better"

But poor Liz got a little info from Sis, "You're the one done him like you did him!" Oh, no wonder he went to sleep with his sister. After a little bit more heated debate, Liz's plea doesn't fall on deaf ears, "I love you from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head," and lets just say that's one hell of a trip,

But Randy still has some hesitation so Liz tries another tactic. "I only have one thing to say, YOU WILL COME BACK to raise our kids, YOU WILL."

After a while Randy comes to a decision, "I'm goin back home to my babies". Sis don't take that too well. However, she does have a classy side to her, as she flashes the audience. Now that's class.

Everything does come into clarity as it was revealed they were all from OHIO. For some reason this causes the audience to dance. I am not making this up. They actually got up on stage and danced, like OHIO was the secret word or something.

Final thoughts?

That is all,

Newt

Go Mavs!

So, I am starting to catch the fever. That's right, last night I went to Dave & Busters to watch the Mavericks win Game 1 of the Finals 90 to 80 against the Miami Heat. This is a monumental day for a number of reasons. Number one is that I, and by I I mean Diana, bought a Mavericks shirt and wore it out last night. Second, I actually care if we win, and for those of you that know me that is a new development. Third, I watched the game. No, really I did. I'm serious. The first half was kind of hard to see since we were at a bar, but we watched the second half at Erin's so I could both see and hear the game.

Now, I am more a fan in the sense that I want the Mavs to win and will enjoy being from a city with a winning team. But that shouldn't discount my support. No, I probably couldn't name more than a few of the players and yes, I did just find out that Avery Johnson is black but who cares. I live in Dallas, and when in Dallas you root for the home team.

Go Mavs. Oh, and by the way, for anyone who watched the game and saw Terrel Owens get interviewed, I just have one comment. That guy is a douche bag. He is already disliked in the city of his new team, but last night while being interviewed he had on a Miami Heat Jersey. His reason? "Shaq is my boy, and friendship runs thicker than Blood" or something like that. Keep diggin' T.O. One day you won't be able to buy your way out of that hole.

That is all,

Newt

Go Mavs!

After Devil Day

So, yesterday was 06-06-06 and guess what. As far as we know, the Devil made no appearances. Yes, some religious groups did hold all day prayer sessions so maybe there was a little help, but all in all I didn’t notice anything different. I had hoped that at least the sky would have turned red or maybe the pond by my lake might dry up but I was slightly disappointed.

Now, the fact that the new remake of The Omen was released yesterday was a great little bit of press. I also know that some CDs were release to correspond to the big 666 day. Heck, even I got in spirit and felt like going out and seeing the movie just because the big day only happens once every 100 years.

The biggest thing that happened to me was that my little girl, Hazel, had a birthday yesterday. It did seem a little odd that my demon of a dog celebrated her birthday on the day of the Devil, but so did everyone else. One little fact that I did hear, women were rescheduling their births to avoid having their babies born yesterday. And I can’t blame them.

So Happy Belated Birthday to Hazel who turned two and to anyone who was born on 06-06-06, I hope your nannies don’t kill themselves on your fourth birthday.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomin-Culture

Motion Lotion

So, you know how women have all sorts of “nether region” creams? Some of them freshen, some of them just make it smell nice, and some are just to keep it look youthful. Well, I gave it some thought and decided that Men should have a cream that does all of this in one little bottle. I call it…‘Weiner Cleaner’.

That’s right guys. Imagine a cream just for us. One that can be massaged in to your frankfurter and will clean, de-age and add that lovely fragrance that makes a boy feel like a man. ‘Weiner Cleaner’ is the be all and end all of revitalizers. It can be applied numerous times and must be worked into the skin quite thoroughly. Just take the tubular pink bottle and squirt. A little dab will do it.

‘Weiner Cleaner’ from Head and Shoulders.

That is all,

Newt

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Well, another fun filled weekend was had in Midland and I am so glad that I am home. For the past few weeks, mine and Diana's weekends have been taken up with funerals, family reunions and weddings. It has been at least two weeks since I have had days that I would consider as "off" and my poor Diana has been away from home for 5 weekends in a row.

So, I am ever so excited to say that this weekend, my life will be boring. No driving out of town, no fulfilling a previous commitment, nope we will be at home and taking in the solitude. I use to think that sitting around on the weekends was a horrible way to spend a couple of days. Now I revel in it. It is funny how when you are in high school, the only thing you want to do is GO, but when you hit the working world all you want to do is STOP. Little breaks in reality.

That is all,

Newt

Mawedge

Tomorrow, my friends Ashlee and Clinton will be married. So, Congratulations on that. Luckily, I am not in the wedding, but Thomas is and now he will know the Hell he put me through. This means that I am headed to Midland, Tx tonight. That’s ok though because I bought three new CDs that Diana wasn’t happy about so we have plenty of music to listen to on the ride. So, for those of you that I will see, “See you soon.”

That is all,

Newt

I did it! Yeah me! - A remembrance

So, I just went on vacation to Alabama and while I was sitting around with my aunt Mickey, she told this story.

"One day, when Trinity was in High School, he came home from school and said, "Aunt Mickey, you would be so proud of me. I finally took a dump at school." He was so proud of himself."

Now for those of you who have never been regaled with the tales of my "stage fright" at school, I couldn't go two-sies at school. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I had a "stomach ache" and my poor old Granny would come pick me up and run me to her house so I could drop the kids off at the pool. I also had the same problem in most public places and my mother can attest to the numerous situations where I was clenching as she furiously drove home from some shop.

But, in the 10th grade, I finally did it. I broke down and during a zero period(which is the period before 1st for those of you who don't know what that is) I located the teacher's bathroom and did it. I crapped at school. To this day this is still one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. Since this time, I have slowly begun to work through my problem. I can easily go at work, and if I go to a Target, well lets just say the gates open.

So, as I thought this story was funny, I decided to post it for all the world to read. Aren't you all so proud?

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomin-Culture

Welcome to a new addition to the Lily Pad, my own strip Tri-Gnomial Gnomin-Culture. This is the first in, what I hope will be a series, of strips about the three little Gnomes I bought for a buck a piece at the pharmacy. I will be trying to put a new one of these up every Wednesday so keep your eyes open.

Soundtrack to my life

I'm back. And today we are going to talk about Soundtracking. What is Soundtracking? Well, I made it up and it means

Def. to insert music into average, mundane moments in your life. To add a Soundtrack to a portion of a persons existence.

In short, its the soundtrack to your life. Everybody has one, and you may not even realize that it is there. Here is an example. Say you are sitting in a classroom and your teacher is droning on. Now is when your mind starts to wander and "We Don't need no Education" pops into your head. Another example of this might be when you are walking through the grocery store and just start thinking "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts."

I am constantly guilty of adding music to my day to day operations. I am extremely prone to this happening if I am riding in a car because in movies, when someone is riding in a car they will, 9 times out of 10, be staring out the window while in the background a melodic song will be playing, like Vanessa Carltons "1000 miles."

So, think about the last few days and see if you can come up with a few instances where you have been been doing something and a song will pop into your head. If you think about it, all of those songs when put on a CD would constitute the soundtrack to your life. And that my friends, is Soundtracking.

That is all,

Newt

Little Women - The Musical

Pop Quiz: what classic women’s novel was turned into a crappy Broadway Musical? Why, Little Women of course. And that is what stopped me from getting to watch the Lost finale last night (don’t worry, I taped it). We bought season tickets to the Dallas Summer Musicals and last night was the first on our list. Most of you probably know the story of the March sisters and their adventures. Well, just imagine it to music in the same vein as any other Broadway and you might get an image of what I had to sit through last night.

I have never read the book so I went in with a blank slate, nothing to compare to and no preconceived notions of what I was going to see. But early on, I was sorely disappointed. Granted, this is a show aimed at women, but really that shouldn’t be an excuse. I didn’t hear one song that would ever be described as great, the story was cheesy, and the acting was lacking appeal. Worst was the fact that Jo, the main character, wouldn’t stop screaming “Christopher Columbus” every time she was agitated, excited, etc.

The second act was a lot better than the first, but the first was longer so, like sex, you have to put up with a lot of the grind to get to the happy ending. All in all, I wasn’t satisfied with my experience but luckily the next tickets are for a show I want to see.

That is all,

Newt

This will be the last post until after Memorial Day as we are going to bury my grandmothers ashes

"Hello, is it me you're looking for?"

So, yesterday I took a time warp back to when I was little and was in the store and couldn’t find my mommy. You see, I was at the convenience store with Diana and while she was pumping gas, I went into the store. I was looking around and ended up buying some gum and ice cream.

While in line, Diana called me and I just assumed she was calling to tell me that she was done and ready to go so I didn’t answer it. I was checking out and figured that it would be faster if I just walked outside. The problem with that was that Diana wasn’t outside. She had left me there.

I called her and she was turning around to come pick me up. When I got in the car, she tried to play it off like she thought I had just walked home, but then she revealed that she had forgotten that I was in the store and had driven off on accident.

After this incident, I am ever so afraid to have a child with her. I know that one day I will have a phone call from my child saying that mommy had left them at such and such store and could I come pick them up. This means that our children will have to have cell phones at an early age to prevent Miss Forgetful from loosing one of them. I felt like I was in Walmart and just couldn’t find who I was looking for. So, everyone scold Diana the next time you see her.

That is all,

Newt

Couch Tornado

So, yesterday I decided to be a little impish and play a joke. Our couch is long enough to allow me to lay on it completely without anything hanging off the side. It is also got enough pillows that I can cover the entire couch with them. Erin, a friend of ours, was coming over to pick up a house key and I decided it would be the perfect time to lie on the couch and cover myself up with pillows and wait for her to come up the stairs and jump out at her.

I wish I had set up a camera because it would have been worth turning in to Americas Funniest Videos. I waited until she hit the living room and …Bam, all the pillows flew off the couch and I started screaming. She was definitely not expecting it because she let out a little scream and then put her hands on her knees and said “Are you serious?”

After Erin left I called Diana to see where she was, and guess what? She was almost home. So, I got back on the couch and did an even better job of covering myself up this time and waited. She was even better. She came up the stairs and started saying to the dogs, “Where is your father?” I held out a little bit longer and waited until she was standing next to the couch and jumped up. I got another scream that outdid Erin’s and saw the freaked out look on her face.

I know, when you read this that you are just going to think that I have too much time on my hands, and you would be right. But I don’t care because I laughed harder than I have in a long time. So, when you are bored and need a good chuckle, imagine my fat butt hiding under a stack of pillows waiting for my next victim.

That is all,

Newt

Trying new things

I have currently been immersing myself in music with an acoustical background as a way to help keep motivated in learning the guitar. In doing so, I have also discovered a few musicians/bands that I had heard of but never really took an interest in. It's funny how one day you can know about something but not really have an interest in it and the next be somewhat obsessed about it. And that's what this post will be about.

Over the past few weeks I have picked up two Jason Mraz CDs and two The Shins CDs. Now, I knew who both of these people were, I just never really had any interest in them. I had heard and could even sing "The Remedy" but didn't run out and buy the CDs. I had heard The Shins on the campus station and even on some random movies/TV shows. I was missing out.

How many times have you been told a movie, book or piece of music was the greatest but, for whatever reason (mine personally is that I have a bad habit of not wanting to like things that an average person does), you didn't didnÂ’t want to listen? This phenomenon reaches into so many different areas of life. Food is a great example. "Hey, I went to such and such restaurant and it was so good. You have to go try it." Yet when it comes time to go out to eat, where do you go? Spanky's, because it's safe or Whataburger, or Chick-fil-A, or wherever.

I recently did this with the DaVinci Code. I worked in a bookstore for two years and recommended it to people all the time, yet I only read it a month ago(see previous review). Why did I wait so long? Well, it seemed like it might be a fad, and every average non-reader had picked it up and I just didn't want to join the masses.

So, I guess the whole point of this post is really just to tell everyone to open their minds to new possibilities. With the internet, we noopportunity opertunity to preview things before we buy them, and this should really make us look at things we might not have before.

That is all,

Newt

Scrubs - a Rant

So, I have purchased Seasons 1-3 of Scrubs and just a few minutes ago, I finished the final episode of Season two. A little history for you. When Scrubs started I was a casual watcher. It came on right after Frasier and something was on opposite it on another network so I only watched it when I didn't have anything else on. The episode that got me hooked was the Christmas Episode from Season 2 and I haven't turned back.

I think the thing about the show that really connects with people is how real it is. While watching Season 1, you really feel how desperate and emotional the lives of the doctors are. In subsequent seasons, you watch the characters grow into who they are today. I personally connect with all of the random fantasy sequences because I have been in similar situations where my mind would wander off into places it shouldn't have been.

Anyway, back to why I love this show. In the Christmas Episode for Season 2, J.D. goes out with a girl while Elliot gets kicked out of her apartment. At the end of the episode, Elliot agrees to stay at J.D.s until she can get back on her feet. At the end of the show, J.D. rushes Elliot and they make out and have sex. I remember this especially well because up until that point, none of the episodes I had seen touched upon the previous attempt for the couples attempt at a relationship. The coolest thing about this show, and the quote is something I remember to this day, was that at the end Elliot said "Merry Christmas" and J.D. responded, "It's just what I wanted."

It was that moment that I thought they had a chance, and even though in the next couple of episodes they broke it off I didn't care, because I felt the attraction. I actually felt it. Not many shows can pull off that kind of an emotional response. As an adult I watch the DVDs with a new appreciation. I relate on a large scale to the twenty-something as they deal with life. I relive first kisses, and second kisses that shouldn't have been. I watch the death and learn more about how important life is. I hear Dr. Cox' rants and know that, though he is speaking to J.D., that in reality their is something to be learned from what he is saying.

The point is, I watch an episode of Friends and, yeah, I might laugh a little and, sure, I wanted Ross and Rachel to be together but when I watch any episode of Scrubs I actually think I might be better for it. I only own a few different TV series on DVD. Partly this is because I can't imagine sitting around one day and going "I sure would like to watch episode 13 of Party of Five Season 2. But this is a show that I care enough about that I knew I had to own.

That is all,

Newt

My Own Personal Hell

Has anyone ever considered what Hell will be like? I used to say, and occasionally still do, that I would be going to Hell and Thomas would be there to meet me. Well, now that I think about it that would be pretty Hellacious, but in truth I don’t necessarily know if that would be my personal Hell.

What would your personal Hell be? I have given this a lot of thought (5 minutes) and have come up with the following scenario. Imagine if you will…

I would wake up on a daily basis and will be force fed broccoli. Throughout the day, though I am not sure how time will work in Hell, I am forced to tear apart my comic book collection page by page and let people use it for toilet paper. Diana will continually rotate through my Hell and tell me how small my penis is and how her new boyfriend, which will be black (due to my innate fear of black people), is so much better than me in every way. I will then have to watch as both of my beloved animals, Duncan and Hazel, be beaten to death and then reincarnated and beaten again. I am pretty sure that some really bad music, like Abba or the Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack will be blaring over a loudspeaker. I am fairly sure that at some point I will have physical pain caused onto me, but I am not sure what. No matter, it won’t be pleasant.

So today, I want you to consider what your personal hell is.

That is all,

Newt

Eragon & Eldest - A review

Last night, I completed the second book in the Inheritance Trilogy, ‘Eldest’. The first book is Eragon, which you may or may not have heard of, is a great read and given enough time, this book series will be as big as Harry Potter. The great thing about these books is that they have that addictive ability to make you both want the book to end, and at the same time hope it never does because you could keep reading forever.

Here is the synopsis for ‘Eragon’
When Eragon finds a polished blue stone in the forest, he thinks it is the lucky discovery of a poor farm boy; perhaps it will buy his family meat for the winter. But when the stone brings a dragon hatchling, Eragon realizes he has stumbled upon a legacy nearly as old as the Empire itself. Overnight his simple life is shattered, and he is thrust into a perilous new world of destiny, magic, and power. With only an ancient sword and the advice of an old storyteller for guidance, Eragon and the fledgling dragon must navigate the dangerous terrain and dark enemies of an Empire ruled by a king whose evil knows no bounds. Can Eragon take up the mantle of the legendary Dragon Riders? The fate of the Empire may rest in his hands....

This is the synopsis for ‘Eldest’
Eragon and his dragon, Saphira, have just saved the rebel state from destruction by the mighty forces of King Galbatorix, cruel ruler of the Empire. Now Eragon must travel to Ellesméra, land of the elves, for further training in magic and swordsmanship, the vital skills of the Dragon Rider. It is the journey of a lifetime, filled with awe-inspiring new places and people, each day a fresh adventure. But chaos and betrayal plague him at every turn, and Eragon isn't sure whom he can trust.Meanwhile, his cousin Roran must fight a new battle back home in Carvahall- one that puts Eragon in even graver danger.Will the king's dark hand strangle all resistance? Eragon may not escape with even his life. . . .

Anyone who liked ‘Harry Potter’ or ‘Lord of the Rings’ will find something to love about the characters in these books. I don’t make a lot of recommendations because I don’t like to waste peoples time, but you are doing yourself a disservice by not reading these.

That is all,

Newt

Whata...story!

I went have gone to Whataburger for lunch the last two days and on separate occasions I have seen separate, yet amazing events.

The first thing I saw caused me to stare. I was leaving to go back to work and was sitting in my truck when I looked up. My rearview mirror was blocking the face of a man but his body was quite apparent. Imagine a man in a black polo shirt of about 230 to 250 pounds. His shirt was tucked in and he was waiting for someone to get out of the car. Now the amazing thing about this was that his body was normal until it hit his belly. I can only imagine that this guy has somehow drastically lost a lot of weight and his skin just hadn’t tightened up. He had somehow tucked in about 30 lbs of fatty skin into his shirt and when you looked at the guy, you would think that an average guy had taken a large towel and tucked it under his shirt. As he stood there, I just watched him and could see his belly button facing straight towards the ground. That’s how nasty the fat was.

The second thing I saw happened today. I was sitting in the restaurant and looked over at the table next to me because the woman that was sitting there had gotten up and left her tray. I thought that was kinda rude but when I looked at the tray I saw a dollar bill sitting on the tray. Now, I worked fast food for quite a while and have never seen anyone leave a tip when they left their tray. Maybe somebody else has seen this, but when did it become necessary to leave a tip at the Whataburger? I am not saying that it is a bad thing for someone to do this but is it called for?

That is all,

Newt

The Greatest Drive Ever

I am sorry to report that Diana's uncle passed away on Tuesday and we are going to be driving to Corpus Christi today. Now, I have driven to quite a few different locations in my time. I have driven to Florida in two days, I have made countless trips to Dallas from my Native Midland, and I have put tons of miles on my old truck driving between Midland and Lubbock. But no drive is as bad as the drive from Dallas to Corpus Christi.

Science hasn't given me any proof on this, but I am convinced that there is some sort of time warp in-between here and Corpus that will slow time. Just for kicks, if you were to Mapquest the drive it places it at 413 miles and estimates it at 6 hours and 18 minutes. I have driven this drive a few times and at different hours so I know that it isn’t when I leave, but I for some reason can't make it in less than 8 hours. Now, I have hit Austin at rush hour, and I have sped through it at 70 mph but no matter what I do I still hit 8 hours.

I am so not looking forward to today’s drive and the reason we are going is not an enjoyable one, but I am dreading it even more because of the history I have with this drive. So, any scientists out there that can tell me why in the Hell it takes so much longer to get there than is should, please let me know.

That is all,

Newt

The Byron Nelson

I went to the grocery store this afternoon, and low and behold they were giving out parking passes. I have been going to this store for a while now and usually it doesn't have enough people there to stop me from getting a front spot, but today two big black guys were stopping cars because The Byron Nelson Golf Tournament is going on and all of the surrounding areas are being patrolled to stop people from stealing a parking spot.

On the way to the store, I saw two separate sets of lawn chairs and home made signs offering tickets to the Tournament. These were on consecutive corners in a residential neighborhood. Then, as I was leaving the store, an entire lane was blocked off to get to the course. Hell, even our apartment complex has a sign saying No Parking.

I am not very familiar with golf so maybe I am just unaware, but is it really necessary to scalp tickets to a golf game? I know this is one of the bigger tournaments but it never occurred to me that someone would be that interested in the thing to have to buy a golf ticket from a redneck from his front yard. Then again, I really don't enjoy golf, but if there is a scalper selling for the next comic book convention send me the address.

That is all,

Newt

James Blunt

So, last night we got to go see James Blunt. He was playing at the Nokia Theatre in Grand Prairie and we got to watch most of it on the jumbotron because we were sitting in the nosebleed section. I have to say that there really isn’t a bad seat in the house though, and the music was pretty clear.

A few little tidbits for those of you who weren’t there: I would say that about 85% of the attendance was female and half of those hadn’t had their first period. You could tell the age group because no matter what I did, the constant smell of Fruit Roll-Up was in the air, although we were lucky enough to sit next to the smoker who didn’t take a shower yesterday.

The music was awesome. I don’t know if they play the same set at each concert but not only did he play his entire CD, he also plays a few new songs and a couple of covers. The music had good transition and he had excellent stage presence. The new songs make me really look forward to his next CD. The entire show was entertaining and he ended the show with “Beautiful”. I think more girls had an orgasm at “Beautiful” then any porn movie that I have ever seen.

My favorite part of the show was probably when “No Bravery” was played and he played war footage from Kosavo. It was the one song that no one screamed “You are Hot” or “Marry Me” as if he would just stop mid song and go “Yes, I will marry you.” And on that note …

That is all,

Newt

Free Comic Book Day

So, Saturday was Free Comic Book Day and it was also CAPE2. CAPE2 was the second annual Comics and Pop Culture Expo. It brought in quite a few known writers and artists and quite a few independent lables under one roof for the public to come meet and get cool sketches and signatures.

I personnaly went to meet Bryan Hitch, who draws the ever popular Ultimates and was lucky enough to get him to sketch me a Thing penciling. Scott Kurtz was also there and I got a Thing sketch from him as well. I got to meet quite a few artists and writers that I am familiar with, but I won't bore you with who because I know you wouldn't care.

One of the most interesting things about CAPE2 was the live art exibition that was put on at the Metro Grill on Saturday evening. Three artists came up to earn some money for the convention by creating paintings and drawings in front of an audience. The artists were unknown to me but the show itself was really interesting to see and I ended up walking off with a markered drawing of Doctor Octopus and Spiderman which was really funny.

The art of a comic book convention is in the audience. A number of people are art fans, some are comic book nerds, and alot of people are just normal. Now this convention was a little bit different but normally an eclectic group of people in costumes are walking around. That didn't happen at CAPE but it isn't a rare occurance, and just to make the weekend right I went to one of the local Lone Star comics and the girl there was dressed as Princess Amidala. Really.

Well, I got to meet a few of the people whos work I love, and got to see some real comic fans and a lot of amazing art so my weekend was freakin' awesome and on that note...

That is all,

Newt

Living Single

So, Diana went out of town for the weekend and you know what that means. I am free to do whatever the hell I want for the next two days. The dogs and I have some TV time scheduled and their is a comic book convention this weekend that I am looking forward to. I also have a lot of reading to catch up on and oh the comic books I will read. Not to mention that I have the first season of Scrubs that needs to be watched. With so much time and so much to do, I don't know how I am going to accomplish so many important tasks. I will report tomorrow on the Comic book convention and all the glory that will be beheld.

That is all,

Newt

Civil War

Normally, I don’t go into what is going on in comic books, but there is a new limited series that came out yesterday that has been getting a lot of media attention and I know that no one is going to read it even though I recommend it, but here it is.

Civil War came out yesterday from Marvel Comics. The story revolves around a school getting blown up and around 3,000 kids get killed. The explosion is caused by a super villain who gets attacked by a group called the New Warriors. The warriors are, in super hero terms, wet behind the ears and are not on the level of Nitro the exploding man. What results is the Superhero Registration Act.

The act simply states that every hero is forced to reveal their identity to the government and will have sanctions held against them. The problem? Well, half of the Marvel Universe is for registration and half is against. What results is a Civil War between heroes. There are promises that teams get split, heroes battle each other, and similar to the Vietnam War, there are defectors that flee to Canada.

This story is an interesting dynamic where heroes will be labeled villains and some villains will be used to hunt down the heroes they used to battle. The story is in 7 parts that make up the entire series and will cross over into specific titles as well as a couple of mini series. This is a series that will actually change the Marvel Universe and have Captain America fighting against his own government and Iron Man leading the pro-registration-ers against the anti-registration heroes. If anyone wants to read a great comic mini series, this may be the one to try.

That is all,

Newt

"We are searching for the Holy Grail"

Searching for the Holy Grail was something King Arthur was infamous for. I am no Artie, but I have also been known to get on the occasional quest and this week has been no exception. Some examples of my exploits involve forcing my mother to go to every McDonalds in Odessa, TX to try to find the White Power Ranger figure from the Happy Meal (though in my defense it was the only one I lacked to complete the collection), purchasing every Neil Gaiman Hardback novel in one week, and of course, collecting comic books. The last one is an every growing fixation that has never been quenched and no matter how many I have, there is always one elusive issue that evades my.

This week, I went on a rampage and decided I needed to collect and read every issue of Invincible by Robert Kirkman. For any of you who don’t know what this book is, well it is a superhero book that revolves around a child of the world’s most famous super hero who gains powers and goes into the family business. It is hailed by critics on a daily basis and the trades and hardcover are all in bookstores now.

Anyway, I went out and bought the hardback to get the 1st 13 issues because they are extremely expensive and hard to find. I also blew my wad…of money that is, on issues 14-31...except for issue 20. Why not issue 20 you ask? Well, because issue 20 sold out a while back and it is currently not on any comic book web site or physical store in Dallas or any other web based store that I can find. And its driving me crazy.

So, to go back to my Holy Grail analogy, this weeks Holy Grail is Invincible #20 and as soon as I find it, there will be a new one. My obsessive compulsive personality really shows when it comes to collecting comic books and if only I could channel that energy into other things I would be a successful, famous, and rich individual. But as it is, I am an overweight, semi successful, shmuck who has one kick ass comic convention.

That is all,

Newt

By the way, if anyone has an issue of Invincible #20 then please let me know.

Dancing away the weight

So, I am now on a workout and diet plan. You are probably asking yourself, "Why would an Adonis such as Newt need a diet and workout plan. He is in such good shape and I wouldn't recommend he loose a pound." Well, Thank you for that but I weighed myself and came up about 25 pounds over my comfort weight and have decided to take a serious try at loosing that. So, I began Sunday with my DDR diet and workout.

What is DDR? Well, for all of you unhip people, it is the new craze Dance Dance Revolution. Now, I stumbled across the dancing addiction by chance. Diana and I were at her friends in L.A. and they had the Mario version. Well, I played and noticed how much fun I was missing out on, so as soon as we got home I went to my friend ebay and found me a copy and some dance pads.

I have now put myself on a slight rationing system where I eat a little bit healthier and a little bit less. Added to that, I do at least 30 minutes of Mario Dance Dance Revolution a night. It has a calorie counter on it so I can monitor how much I have burned off. This way, I am loosing calories, playing Nintendo, and dancing. And, just like any other game, I do not notice how long I am playing which makes working out all the more fun.

So, I suppose if I have a dramatic decrease in weight, I will let you all know. Otherwise, I hope I can at least drop a couple of pounds and maybe gain some rhythm in the process.

That is all,

Newt

I Don't Care!

So, I had a short discussion with my HLM today and he expressed to me that he didn't like the new movie 'American Dreamz' that is now in theatres. He told me this because I had gone to see it and told him that I thought it was very good. Now, he wasn't mad about my opinion but he is going to use it as his basis for seeing the movie so he can blame me... and that is fine. However, it got me thinking. The conclusion that I have come up with is "I don't care." Let me elaborate.

I don't care if you didn't like the movie I recommended because truthfully, I liked it or I wouldn't have recommended it to you. I don't care if the book that I raved about was "not your thing", even though you gave it a try. I don't care that you wasted $13.99 on a cd that I really liked. Stated Plainly, I don't care.

Maybe I am in the minority, but in today's world, too many people gauge things off of other peoples opinions. Girls go shopping in packs so they can get approval on what to wear. The only time I ever do that is if I am buying clothes for work, and that's only because apparently a Spider-Man tee shirt doesn't go with dress pants.

I will also say that listening to critics is a pet peeve of mine that I find myself guilty of. While I don't mind a little help in trying to determine if the next Jennifer Aniston movie is worth my time, a movie is meant to be enjoyed. I don't even know what the hell cinematography is. I am going to be entertained, and if that involves seeing two hot girls play "Battle Shits" then I am ok with that.

Now, I don't want to sound conceited, or condescending in this little rant but if I do, well I don't care. And for the record, even though Thomas doesn't think so, Hellboy was a rocking movie.

That is all,

Newt