Moviephone

I was driving in a very rural area Tuesday when something occurred to me. The Internet has really changed the way we live. Specifically the way we go to the movies.

Remember when you wanted to go to the movies and you would grab this large paper thing called a phone book and look up theatres. Then you would call the number and wait while the automatic recording would come on to tell you the movies that were out and the times they started? Thinking back on it I actually get reminiscent of the time when I could listen to a robotic voice saying, ""Angels in the Outfield" playing at 11:45, 1:50, 4:00, 6:50, and 9:20."

Then there was the problem of having to listen to all of the movies until yours came up. Invariably someone was always in the room yelling, "Well, what time does it start?" and you would miss the times because of it and have to call back in and go through everything again.

Isn't it amazing what technology has made obsolete?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 364 - Update Time

Well, I finally broke down and went back to the Half Price Books where I left my copy of This Book Will Change Your Life and my copy wasn't there. What that means I have no idea. Someone may have bought it but if so they are holding it hostage and haven't called me. Just as likely they may have it and not even realize it, though it was pretty apparent it was completely filled out.

The thing I fear most is that it was found on the shelf and the employees decided to trash it because they thought a filled out copy wouldn't sell. With it being 40 days since departure I am going to assume that I will not get it back. This is a sad development. I was so hoping to keep it and gain a little faith in people all at the same time.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 365 - Newt Year, New You

At last, at last it has come to an end,
One year has ended, another begins.
I finished the journey of tasks to be done,
It seemed never ending, but we are on the last one.
A Party, a party to finish it all,
To celebrate my new self, the dropping of a ball.

We rang in the New Year with a party of close friends last night and thus the final task is complete. I completed(mostly) my 364 tasks in my amphibiously glorious fashion and to celebrate the accomplishment, my final task was to throw a New Year, New You party. We drank champagne, ate finger foods, lit a fire, and had sparklers and roman candles for the front yard as we welcomed in the year of the Tiger(2010).

And with this I come to a close on the experiment that was This Book Will Change Your Life. My first post on this can be read here but I decided to look back on it and see what I really wanted to do with this thing.

"I am going to do my damnedest to finish this experiment": That was apparent and easily my proudest part of the entire trip.

"you should see at least one new blog a day chronicling what the hell this book is telling me to do": In total there are now 372 different posts about this project so that seems to have been done. I might not have been daily but I covered every day.

"adding crazy shit into your life...and I am going to do it.": Mission accomplished

One unsaid thing that I set out to do was to entertain more people than I originally was. I was a lazy blogger at the time of this experiment and thought this would be a good way to force me into a habit of writing. I won't say I always wrote well, I never had perfect spelling, and my grammar could always use some work but I got into a routine of writing something almost everyday.

And I made friends, wonderful friends from all across the globe. I can't even begin to say how awesome that part of this was. It was something wholly unexpected and amazing to be able to say and I hope that part doesn't go away when I slow my blogging down. I especially want to think Kate, who hasn't been around lately but toward the beginning of this really promoted me when she didn't have to and got me integrated into what has come to be a community of people.

There was no way I could have guessed how difficult this would actually be. I kept it secret from my coworkers, I put myself in ridiculous situations, and I challenged myself to be and do things I would never have thought possible.

I think the biggest question I get from friends is, "Did it change your life?" The short answer is "Yes" but the all encompassing answer is more of a "sort of". No, I normally wouldn't have given myself an enema or eat unfamiliar foods but I never doubted I could do those things if I needed to.

I think the things that changed me the most were the ones that affected the world around me. The adventures in losing senses were eye opening, not talking showed me that when people think you are deaf they go out of their way to help and giving a homeless guy a $20 makes you just a little bit less cynical about the world. The biggest thing is the achievement of doing something that seems impossible one day at a time.

I won't be doing a sequel to this book, though there is more than one. I don't think it would be fair to me or my wife to put either of us through this again. I do want to continue with some recurring things and I am working on ideas for those but the daily thing is done for now. I am going to revel in my first day of task-free bliss and say...

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 364 - Bye Bye Bookie

Yesterday was hard. I have held off doing this particular task until the end of this silly experiment but last night was time.

Back around Day 260 I was supposed to leave The Book in a public place and see if it came back to me. I guess in theory someone would find it, find my name and number in the front of the book and then call me. But, I waited on this because if it didn't come back quickly, or at all, then I would be without it to complete it and I wanted to finish the thing.

So, last night I bit the bullet and got rid of The Book. No, you didn't read that wrong, I no longer have The Book in my possession. Here is what I did.

First, I went to the day I was supposed to do this task, I think it was 262, and wrote a letter into the page.(see below)



Then, I wrote an additional letter in the front page of the book. So, when someone opened it, this is the first thing they would see. It stated that the book they hold was a year of my life and I would like it back. It contained my name and number in large print.

Diana and I then took it to the same Half Price Books that it was purchased from on January 1, 2009 and put it back on the shelf next to an unused copy. She snuck it in inside her purse and, like spies, we slyly placed it. My opy is the one on the right. I thought it very 'Circle of Life' to put it back where I got it.


Someone may buy it without realizing or they may just see a fully completed copy and buy it just to see how things went. I don't know. An employee may open it since it doesn't have a price and call me to come get it.

I feel a weight off of me. I finish the entire experiment on December 31st with my last task and it has been crazy. I will be disappointed if no one calls me about my copy. Maybe I will get it back one day and maybe I won't but either way I will have finished this thing and you guys have come along with me so thank you.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 363 - Calling in Sick

So, I was supposed to hand deliver all of my emails on Tuesday but I got crazy sick and was only able to work for about 2 hours. In that time I had no emails to deliver that weren't to another city or person at another building. I think my coworkers were avoiding me or something.

I puked at work and decided enough was enough and went home. I spent the remainder of the day curled up on the futon in a dark room, only coming out to get water and eat an occasional slice of bread to put something in my stomach. It was not pleasant.

So, no task completed today on account of sickness.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 362 - Swap me

Do you think you could do a co-workers job? Could they do yours? Well, I was tasked with finding out and today has been hellish.

Before I begin, I have an announcement to make. I got a new job within my company that will be starting after the new year. With it comes the opportunity to travel the country and do something challenging and completely different. I am now half training my replacement which lead to the task being much easier as no one at work knows about The Book.

To add to this a different coworker is on vacation this week and so I am covering for him while he is gone. This too helps the task for the day.

So, I have someone training to do my job and I am doing someone else's and it is tiring. I have been juggling shipping jobs for someone, which isn't something I normally do, as well as managing the call center the guy on vacation is in charge of. All of this is going on while trying to fit in minutes of training for my replacement. Oh, and I am starting to work on my new job duties too. Ahhhh!!!

I am ready for the day to end.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 361 - Tic, Tac, No

"Challenge everyone you meet to a game of Tic-Tac-To." Is 'meet' open to interpretation? I hope so because I only challenged one person to a game yesterday and that was Erin. We drove home from Midland yesterday so most of the day was spent with one of two kinds of people:

Relatives
Wife

Guess what? I already knew all of them so I didn't meet anyone new. Erin met us in Dallas and is staying with us for the week so when we all settled down, I was able to pull out a pad and ask to play a game of Tic-Tac-To. We tied, because as Erin stated, "We are two intelligent people". I am not sure if that is why but I will take it.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 360 - Cham-pag-ne

I was drunk by noon yesterday. I was tasked with drinking nothing but champagne all day yesterday and after getting up around 10, opened a bottle of $5 Cold Duck and drank the entire thing. Maybe drunk was too strong a word, more like tipsy. I went and got some burritos to fill me up and took a nap.

At 3 p.m. I was up again and uncomfortable. I am not one for napping and yesterday's endeavor just made my neck hurt and my head ache. No, I don't think the champagne had anything to do with it. I opened a bottle of dry something that I had bought and had a glass to wet my whistle.

My headache wouldn't go away and I had to relent and drink a glass of water. I think I was slightly dehydrated and didn't want to risk it getting worse. I had to get out of the house around 5 so I left my mother-in-laws and headed to my parents to visit.

One thing about me that you may realize is I can't sit still for long. I usually get up and move around, go find some work to be done, or just go to a store and walk around. I hate just sitting in front of a TV all day and during holidays that seems to be what happens the most and I am constantly bored. Last night, after finishing off the second bottle of champagne, I got just that: bored. I fidgeted a while and started to get hungry so while my wife's family sat around watching a football bowl game, I gave up and headed to get nachos and read. By this time it was 10 p.m. and I was dying for an ice tea and that is exactly what I had.

Champagne isn't the worst thing to have to drink all day but I wasn't really in the mood for alcohol. The problem was I had to do this task today because as you may have noticed, we are winding down on the number of days left for tasks and knowing what was left and my work schedule, I knew I had yesterday as the only day available to drink unrestrained.

5 more days of tasks left and we will close The Book forever. Whooo hoooo!

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 359 - Sketchy

So, Christmas was an eventful day. After opening presents with Diana's family, Diana set out to bake a Pumpkin Pie. My task for the day was to sketch someone opposite me on public transportation but since it was Christmas and I was in a small town with little public transport, I decided to just sketch her baking a pie. It is as rare an occurrence as me riding public transportation anyway.

I am not an artist by trade so please understand that this image is not very good. I haven't sketched in years.

The bubble above her head says,"My Pie!". This is due to the fact that Diana got her pie ready to go in the oven the pie tin collapsed on her and spilled all over the oven. The entire series of events is worthy of its own post and once I figure out who is writing it, it will be posted on either mine, or my wife's blog.

I forgot how hard sketching something can be. I used to have a minute amount of talent with pencil and paper when I was younger and did well in my art classes in high school. I think I wouldn't pass now.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 358 - Hot Spot

I increased my tolerance for hot food yesterday with some experimentation in Tabasco Sauce. Before opening our presents last night, we were sitting around and I went to refill my drink. I opened up the fridge and saw the bottle of Tabasco and without waiting to regret my decision, I poured about 6 spurts of sauce on my tongue and let it settle until I couldn't take it anymore.

My tongue caught fire and I rushed to the glass of ice tea that was waiting for me. It didn't do too much to eradicate the heat but it did help the transition as my tongue settled. I am not one for spicy food so this is one of those things where increasing tolerance meant building one to begin with.

My father gave me a chocolate bar with bacon mixed into it and I was trying to taste it but my tongue wasn't letting me savor the flavor. I still am not sure exactly the taste of it but I have some left so I will find out later.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 357 - Poor Old Man

Imagine being this guy:

Well, it is another year and I am spending Christmas all alone again. I got this stupid pink Snuggie from my son. That son of a bitch just doesn't have any sense. They put me in this "Assisted Living" facility and think once I am here they can just call once in a while and I will be happy. I don't have alzheimers, for God's sakes. I remember that they forget about me.

If my saint of a wife hadn't gone and died on me, I think this would be more tolerable. It is being alone that is killer. Sure, the daily card games make the time pass, and the library shuttle gets me a consistent supply of reading material but I want more. Why do the holiday's make things worse? What does the birth of a kid 2000 years ago have to do with making me long to see my grandkids? I think the cafeteria is serving some sort of holiday meal. I just hope they have gingerbread men. I like to bite the heads off and put them back on the plate.


Merry Christmas everyone. Tell your old people you love them.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 356 - The Write Off

My cousin Brian is the biggest Dick-head I know, and I know a lot of dick heads. Wait, that came out wrong. Anyway, for today's task I was to disinherit a relative and since my Granny died a few years ago, I think now it is safe to just pull up the tax return of life and write that bastard off completely.

You see, Brian was born as a giant douche. He got it from his father from what I can tell and as long as I have known him, he has never been pleasant, cordial or nice. He dips tobacco and leaves his spit cups around, he uses his family to get what he wants.

My main reason for disliking him so much is because of my Granny. When I was young, say 3 or 4, he was around quite a bit. She loved him so much and he ate it up and probably loved her back. However, as he got older, he let his relationship slide with her, can't say that doesn't happen from time to time but I think it made her sad. We were working in the yard one day, I used to help her weed her flower beds, and I said something like, "Granny, I love you and will never leave you". She came back with something to the affect of, "Oh, you'll leave me sometime and get busy and forget your old Granny, just like Brian did."

I was floored. How could she think I would ever do such a thing? She had Dr. Pepper and Ice Cream and all of my Legos were at her house. Plus, I loved sitting in her lap and watching Crooke and Chase on the Nashville network with her. I was so insulted. I said, "Granny, I could never do that. I love you too much and I will never leave." I don't think she believed me.

I count that as a defining moment in my life because I think it was one of the first times I realized what Loyalty was. I kept my promise to my Granny and even through college I would call her at least once a week and visit her every chance I could when I came home. When she died I was there to bury her ashes, even though it required flying to Alabama.

We had a viewing before her cremation and even though Brian did show up, he refused to look at the body. Some people said he didn't handle death well but I like to think it was shame for not being a better grandson. I haven't spoken to him since she died and honestly don't expect to unless he needed a kidney or something. I feel shame to think that he is my blood and the idea of disowning him doesn't make me feel anything. When you can't even muster any emotion for a person is when you know you don't care about that person anymore.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 355 - Kama Sutures

I don't normally bring my sex life into this blog but The Book decided it was necessary. We packed the car for our drive to Midland last night and before I put The Book in, I opened up the task for today, handed it to Diana, and said, "Pick One". No, she wasn't picking my task, but instead picking the way that it was done.

You see, yesterday was Kama Sutra Day and the makers of This Book Will Change Your Life were kind enough to give me a task I would love to do. There were about 15 different positions available on the page and Diana and I had a good time looking through them. Most I had to describe how they would work and I have to say, a few looked down right impossible for anyone but a ninja to be able to pull off. We settled on the one below and I filed The Book away.


I won't go into too many details but after warming up we attempted this thing to hilarious results. I am 6 feet tall, my wife is 5'7 or so. Our anatomy doesn't line up when we stand or apparently when we kneel so attempting this was tricky. They might has well have named this 'Just the Tip' because that is about all that was achievable. After about 30 seconds of trying to figure out where are legs should go and what the hell we were supposed to do, we both started laughing so hard that we pretty much just fell over and gave up.

At least now I don't feel like my $.26 went to waste.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 354 - Carvings

I put my initials in my neighbors tree today. It was my task to carve something into a tree and TV really fits well and is easy to carve so I went with it. I nonchalantly walked down the street and quickly stopped and pulled out a tiny screwdriver and popped them into the bark.

I supposed if the tree sheds or he goes out there and takes the bark off then my initials won't last long but they are there for now and that is all I can hope for.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 353 - Can I have your Autograph?

Imagine you are book hunting and pick up a book to find that the author's signature is in the front cover. "OMG!" you exclaim. This must be some mistake. How could I be so lucky as to have found a signed copy for dirt cheap?

That would be my doing.

While working at the comic book store today, I reached into the 10 cent comic boxes and grabbed a few of the shittiest issues I could find and signed them with a Sharpie. I put the writers name in as if it was a signed copy and placed it back in the box. The damage done was minimal and may even give someone a rush of excitement that they would never have achieved had I not done this.

Was it wrong of me to deface these books? Maybe. But that was my task and I thought doing about .30 worth of damage was better than defacing hardbacks at the local Borders.

I hope these don't end up on ebay or I will feel bad.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 352 - 26 cents and I still felt ripped off

I got drunk last night at a happy hour. I admit it. By 8 pm I was belligerently asking the waitress questions that I thought charming and had a great buzz going that lasted for a while. We went to the Flying Saucer to celebrate a friend passing her CPA exam and I got tipsy. We switched bars around 9 and I got mega hungry and decided to ditch the group and go to Chipotle for a burrito (I walked so don't think I drove drunk or anything).

Anyhow, after sobering up and eating a massive burrito I headed home. Diana was in a separate car and had to run an errand before meeting me at the house and by the time she got home I was verging on unconscious. The problem with that was my task, I hadn't forgotten to do it, I just needed her cooperation to get it done.

You see, I was supposed to join the many men who have paid for sex by... well, doing just that. I am not adverse to paying for sex if it is worth the money. In this day and age it almost seems like spending money on dinners and drinks for some ever changing amount of dates before sex takes place is just silly and if someone is willing to trade some tang for some cha-chang (This line strikes me as genius and I am going to get that trademarked) then more power to them.

I wasn't sure I was up for anything last night but thought I would try for the sake of The Book so when I got home, I checked the mail, got ready for bed, and went hunting for some cash to pay my lady of the night. I don't carry cash so I was literally counting change to see what it would get me. I found a quarter and a Canadian penny that for some reason was sitting in my change cup and deposited them on top of Diana's book on her bedside table. Then I slipped under the covers and tried to read...for about 20 seconds.

The next thing I know I am waking up to Diana coming home. In my daze I did hear her ask, "Is this my money to have sex with you?" I grumbled "Yes" and I have a feeling it didn't sound as sexy coming out of my mouth as it did in my head. So, I paid for sex last night and like many nights when I have been drinking, I didn't have any.

I don't know what is worse, the fact that I put money down for sexual favors and didn't get any or the fact that my wife didn't seem upset that I only offered 26 cents.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 351 - Red Sock, White Sock, Kickball, Tacky Shirt

Yesterday was our final game in the regular season of Kickball and The Good, The Bad and The Ballzy took on Kick Balls, Not Puppies. Sadly we lost in the final inning when a bad call got us out on second. It was in contention but was given to the other team and cost us the win at 5-6. No matter, we still had fun and I made it all the way to 3rd before being tagged out on a run home.

Along with kickball, we all wore tacky sweaters/shirts and this gave me the opportunity to complete a task. I was supposed to 'Out' myself as a This Book Will Change Your Life participant by wearing one red sock. Anyone who had done The Book would recognize my signal and know I was in the Brotherhood and come talk to me.

While this didn't happen, our Christmas theme was the perfect opportunity to wear a red sock without the normal people wondering why. So, I put on one red and one white sock and before the game started, I tucked my jeans into them and played the game with my red sock visible to all.

I went out to the bar after the game and played some Foosball and the entire time I kept my sock exposed. It was very festive. No one approached me so there must not have been any other Bookies in the bar or on the field. Such a shame too because I really would like to meet someone else that has gone through this.

14 days to go.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 350 - Mason mania

I was supposed to join the Freemasons yesterday. The Book had a form and everything. 2 problems with this. First, you had to have 2 Masons recommend you for entry, and two, Masons are F-ing crazy and I am afraid of them.

They are a secret society of people that don't let anyone into their inner circle. It is like Scientology except older. I have always been fearful of them and their ways. I saw Skulls with Joshua Jackson and I don't want to get involved with that crazy crap.

Another issue I have, and probably a reason they would deny my membership is that they have a constitutional declaration of belief in a the Supreme Being. I do not. I can see how that would go.

"Newt, do you claim allegiance to the Supreme Being?"
"erm...No, not really. Can I take a bench on that topic?"
"What?! No! You must pledge allegiance."
"To the Flag? I can do the Flag."
"No, get out of my sight."
"Toodles"

It wouldn't be pretty.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 349 - Timber

I was supposed to cut down a tree yesterday. Can you believe that? Like I can do that. I don't have an axe, a flannel shirt, or boots. And there is not tree I could cut that would not end up with me in jail for destruction of public property.

Since I am a fat ass I turned this into an exercise in food. Below is one of my seasonal favorites, Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes. They come in vanilla and chocolate and are freaking awesome. Notice they are trees? Good, otherwise I would have to disown you as readers.
I might not be able to swing an awe but if you hand me a box of these I will be your Paul Bunyan. I don't have a blue ox but I have a Babe named Diana. When I threw a tree on her lap I think she got more pleasure than I usually give her. We both ended up eating two of these, one chocolate and one vanilla a piece, before the night was over.

I was mad at myself for not yelling "Tiiimmmmbbbeeeerrrr!!!!" after eating each one though.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 348 - $20 for some chicken

I pulled a $20 out of the ATM today for my task. You see, there is this elaborate story on today's task about a man who gives a homeless person $20 and through a series of events is rewarded 100 fold because of it. Thus I was to give a homeless person a $20 and see what happens.

I went at lunch to find a homeless person. If you have ever hunted the homeless I will be placing a call to the proper authorities to report you. I, on the other hand, was out HARMLESSLY tracking the homeless today and was coming up with very little in the way of prey.

I first went to the local corner but there was no one to be found. I then checked the other three corners but they too were empty. I considered checking under a bridge but it was warm in Dallas today and seemed more likely to find them not home. The Whataburger I frequent has its fair share of vagabonds and I even went by there at both breakfast (I didn't eat) and lunch (again I didn't eat) but none were to be found.

Finally I hit a corner I knew to frequent the homeless population and struck gold. More like black gold actually as this particular homeless person was black. He wasn't as downtrodden as some I have seen but since 'beggars can't be choosers' I didn't feel right being choosy about my beggar. I pulled up to the corner he was at and flagged him over.

He was jovial as I held the money out the window and he jogged over. His sign read "Grub" which I took to mean he wanted some because being homeless and having the name Grub seemed to much bad karma for one person to be plagued with. He reached for the money and I said "Merry Christmas". He took it and then recognition hit his eyes as he realized the value. He said "Thanks. Now I can get some food" and darted across the street and headed to the local Church's Chicken.

The irony that a black man went straight to a chicken place made me laugh and also feel slightly racist. However the feeling of doing a good deed overcame it and put a smile on my face. I suppose I will now wait for my karmic rewards.

That is all,

Newt