Thursday, September 30, 2010


Can someone please explain to me why it is considered insensitive to say, "I am afraid my huge baby is going to ruin my wife's pleasure zone"? I have had two groups of people tell me this is not right to say, however I don't understand why.

One, it is not insensitive. If my pleasure zone, aka my wife's lady area, is destroyed I am not the only one who will be affected by it. Diana will be traumatized detrimentally by the fact that it has been ruined. She will get that thing where you pee when you sneeze and I haven't heard of any woman saying that is a pleasant experience.

Two, I just flat out don't want my dang fat ole' baby to be so big and cause so many problems for Diana. Bigger is usually better except on birth weight. Then it is not preferred.

Sure there is a selfish reason too. If that thing gets all stretched out it wouldn't be the best thing in the world. I saw something about how a ladies area goes back to almost normal in a few days after birth but come on! How can that be? You just pushed a baby through there! If i pushed a baby through the tip of my junk there is no way it would ever work the same again.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Water Wait

As some of you know, my wife is carrying our first child and is about a week and a half out from her due date. We have been looking forward to this for some time but over the last couple of weeks I have started to become unreasonably worried about something, her water breaking.

I am disgusted by the thought of it. I understand it is part of the process and Diana insists that only about 5 to 10% of women's waters actually break on their own but I am so disturbed at the thought that at 3 a.m. I am going to feel a wet sensation on my leg and wake up to a water bed of internal lady goo. And there is that old camp trick that people play where they put your hand in water to make you pee on yourself. What if that happens?

Gwack! I almost threw up in my mouth. Uhhhh.

Why is this so gross? Will we be out somewhere and suddenly be standing in a puddle. I hope her water doesn't break because if it does it might be followed by me screaming like a girl and that is not something I want people to see.

That is all,


Friday, September 10, 2010

The Man I want to be

I have an image of the person I expected to be at 30. This man is not overweight, can play the banjo, is an avid reader and writer, and an amazing father. I decided a while back that I am nowhere close to being this man. I am losing weight but haven't hit the goal yet, I can't play a musical instrument to save my life, and I have about a month until we figure out that whole fatherhood thing. In my plus column I do read like there is no tomorrow and have begun writing a bit. Oh, and this man drives an orange and black El Camino. Diana refuses to let me get that part of it.

I went on Tuesday and bought myself the Complete Idiot's Guide to Learning Guitar on CD rom and am trying it. I played "Jingle Bells" yesterday without any real issues, so hopefully I can commit to this and use the guitar that my father graciously bought me 7 years ago. If I can get proficient I am getting myself a banjo. I dream of being able to play "The Rainbow Connection" to my kids and ever since Doug Funny, I have always wanted this skill. Maybe that also stems from my Kermit the Frog addiction.

I just celebrated my 28th birthday. I have 2 years to become this person that I want to be. I think it is possible. I know the weight loss is and if I stick to it, guitar can be too. We shall see.

That is all,