Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Stupid Multiplication

Well, I just read that Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. Sister to Britney, Jaime is 16 and has been with the father for a while. He was described as "long time boyfriend." At 16, what is considered long time?

This news is scary because it seems that stupid people are multiplying at an alarming rate. I am not trying to insult people who get pregnant at a young age. I don't think it is the smartest thing to do because accidents happen. I do not, however, think it is a good idea.

There is a movie called Idiocity in which the human race gets populated with stupid people because they kept reproducing with other stupid people, while the smart people paired up and waited loner and longer to have children. It lead to people watching TV shows about getting kicked in the nuts and having a pro wrestler be President.

I know we make leaps and bounds in the medical and technological communities on a daily basis but I see how we could end up in that area. Punctuation has gone the way of the dodo, the word like is put into every sentence, and the Wayan's Brothers have a career. That in itself is proof that we are faltering.

On a daily basis, I get at least two emails that aren't capitalized which drives me crazy. Music is littered with thur's(there) and fashizees. What the hell does that even mean? I just don't want to see the world become that movie and it could. Scary.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, December 16, 2007

I have been violated

I know I was complaining about my lights a few days ago but yesterday morning I discovered something disturbing. Some snot nosed little punk ran up to my front door and cut both of extension cords to the Christmas lights.

So, either I have pissed off my neighbor or the fact that the lights were crooked aggravated an escaped psychotic patient with OCD and caused him to cut my cords to prevent them from being seen. I went back up today and fixed the cord issues and now none of my cords run outside where "the Snipper" can't get to them.

What kind of person is so demented that they think it is ok to do this. How is this funny in any way? A practical joke is one thing but this is just vandalism. It did make me want to send an apology to my old neighbor whose window I broke and ran off without ever telling him. Sorry Curtis.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Lights, Camera, Traction

Well, as most of you know, Christmas is around the corner. This means presents and candy and for the first time in my life, putting lights on the house. For those of you who haven't seen my humble abode, this means I am putting my life at risk.

Our house isn't large but we do have two stories. I have never walked on my roof before but my wife wanted lights on the house and I aim to please. I began stringing lights on the roof three weeks ago and ran out with only half of the house done. A couple of days later, I found more of the same lights and got back on it.

After plugging the lights in, low and behold, there were pieces out. So up I go again to fix the lights. My OCD kicked in when I noticed that the lights weren't all standing straight up. So up I go again to straighten them out. Next, I ran out of those little clippy things that you use to attach lights to your house. Well, so did half of Dallas, Texas because I spent three hours driving around looking for more.

Finally I find more but the weather has been bad. I have been trying to get up on the roof for a week and on Saturday I grabbed my ladder and fixed the perimiter of mi casa. Still, it looks like crap. I still have lights all over my house that looks like redneck teeth.

So again, I climb up last night in the chilly drizzle and I'll be damned if the lights I fixed last week hadn't gone out again. So I spent thirty minutes trying to straighten and fix my lights.

Needless to say, they still aren't fixed. This is why Christmas can suck so bad.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, December 03, 2007

Spelling Follies - Part duh

Well, the Spellin' Felon has struck again. This was found at the same school a couple of weeks ago and I am just getting around to posting about it. It seems that Marshall Durham Middle School has a prankster in their midst. I am not sure what class Scince is but I know it wasn't part of the curriculum back when I was in 6th Grade.


Somehow I doubt this will be the last spelling error I will find.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Guitar Hero - Stage 1

Well, a couple of weeks ago I bought Guitar Hero III and I have put in quite a bit of time in on the game. Well, today I have beaten the Easy setting of Guitar Hero III. That's right, calm down everyone. I know how excited you must all be to hear this news but this is not the end. There are still three levels to go.

What does beating the easy stage mean. It means I played 42 pulse pounding songs, slamming down the red, green and blue keys to some awesome rock songs. The end is a battle with the Devil himself and guess what song I had to beat him with? Anybody? That's right, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". He was hard competition but in the end I spanked him.

I plan on strumming up to the next level soon but my fingers need a rest. After unlocking all those songs, I am going to need a few days off.

Rock on,

Newt

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Sweet Fang

Imagine...

Duncan and Hazel are sitting around the house. Hazel, in her infinite curiosity starts investigating the Target bag sitting on the fireplace.


H: Duncan, guess what?
D: What? Hazel, you know you shouldn't be messing around in that bag.
H: Damn D, you have got to lighten up. There is some tasty treats in here.
D: Hazel. You know your ass is going to get busted and I will probably get blamed.
H: Yeah, but it will totally be worth it.


Duncan and Hazel proceed to tear open an entire bag of Hershey's Candy Cane Kisses.


D: Should we be eating these?
H: I don't see why not.
D: I don't know, isnt this stuff bad for us?
H: I don't know, and I don't care. Check this out, I am wired.
D: Quit running around. Stop biting me. Calm Down Dammit!!!
H: I can't. Whooo hooo!!!!!!!


Diana came home to find the entire bag gone. Foil wrappers littered the floor. Asses were made pink and doggie doo turned white.


That is all,


Newt

Shot Down

A couple of days ago, a woman in my office brought me something that I felt the need to share with my readers. There is a new thing in the world for all of those people who feel like a cup of coffee just isn't a fast enough way to get their morning jolt of caffeine. A company called Whitewave has created a company called Stok.


Stok is a coffee creamer that contains the equivalent of one shot espresso and has a warning limit of two shots a day. So, by adding this creamer to your normal coffee cup, you too can act like Richard Simmons after a Bedazzling class. Now, I don't drink coffee very often so when this came along so I felt like I would be the perfect baseline.

Now, I had a misconception about this product that I didn't find out is false until after I consumed this. When it says a shot, it is meant to be poured in your coffee and not treated like tequila at a sorority party. I didn't realize that and had quite a flavor shock.
This is not recommended.
That is all,
Newt

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Ribbed, for my pleasure

Well, guess who's back. Back Again. McRib's Back. Tell a friend. No this isn't the newest Eminem hit. That damn sandwich the McRib is back on another Farewell tour, Number 3 to be precise, and I for one am getting pretty tired of it.


Firstly, I have never eaten one because the idea of rib meat from McDonald's doesn't sound very appealing. Plus, I am getting very tired of this marketing campaign that is pretending it's going away. I really thought it was and wasn't to happy when it showed up again last year. Secondly, I can already see what will happen next. There will be a reunion tour for the dumb thing and it will all start over again.

But, being the well rounded journalist (finger quotes) that I am, I went and sampled the Goliath that I wish slain. My lady love an I voyaged to McDonald's last week so I could finally say that I successfully digested one of these things.

Dammit! It tastes good. Who the hell saw that coming. The barbecue sauce was smokey, the pickles sweet, the rib meat edible. I am still not convinced that the rib meat wasn't just shredded pork but who cares? I enjoyed it. GOD WHY?

I'm not saying I will eat one again but I am now in an uncomfortable position. Can I go on hating something that I don't really hate even though I feel I should hate it? Is it acceptable for me to continue loathing the existence of a sandwich that actually has a riby goodness to it? I don't know who I am anymore.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, November 04, 2007

We Don't Need No Education

We stumbled accross proof yesterday that the public skool system is working in full swing. Diana and I we're driving along near our house and went buy one of the local schools.

I was staring out the window when I looked and noticed the sign out front looked incorrect. We turned around and went back to the skool so I could snap a picture of what we saw.

I am not sure who was responsible for the spelling errors on the Marshall Durham Middle School sign but I will say that as a hole, this is completely unacceptable. Not only does it show that the skool system is failing in Lewisville, but it also insults veterans.

I was shocked when I saw the sign and the irony in it is just amazing. Are we really living in a society that would tolerate this? I think that if I were a parent and was that the school my child attends had that sign outside, I would march into the Principals office and ask them what kind of facility they were running. It may be a kids idea of a prank but for it to be there on a Saturday shows a complete disregard for education.

I was a product of the Midland public skool system and I turned out O.K. so I can only hope this is an isolated incodent.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, November 02, 2007

Ophidiophobia - Now for the Holidays

Well, Halloween has come and gone we got a very scary Halloween Fright on Wednesday. While passing out candy to a cute little boy dressed like a shark, we had a snake climb across our door step. You read right, as I sit here typing this I shudder at the thought. A huge snake with big fangs and vicious eyes* popped up as the little kid was standing there. His mother pulled him away and we backed up. They left but the python decided to come inside our house.

Diana was fairly spooked but I was like a 14 year old girl at a Hollister sale. I screamed and jumped and I might even have peed myself a little bit. DON'T JUDGE ME!!! I didn't know exactly how to respond but it was clear we had to get it out of the house. Diana held the dogs back while I ran outside and grabbed the dog's pooper scooper. It has a claw that I thought I could use to pick up the snake and throw it outside.
It actually went back under the door and we thought we were ok but it was like one of those inbred genes. You think it is gone but it shows up when you least expect it and it is never good to have around. That f-ing snake came right back in and then got stuck under the door.

I opened the door and let him out and was going to try to catch him but, little did I know, there is a hole in our brick right next to the front door and the snake climbed inside of it. I still don't know where it is. I never saw it come back out and I'm not sure that there isn't a way that it can't get back into the house. All I know is snakes crave heat in the winter and I haven't slept well since. I know if I were looking for warmth, I might shoot through the attic, come into the bedroom, and climb underneath some nice toasty sheets.

Halloween sucks,

Newt

*the snake was actually a small garden snake that was probably not poisonous.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Don't Take It Literally

Well, Diana and I are going through purchasing new furniture for our living room and during this process I got to do something that I never would have thought possible. I got to pull the rug out from under someone.

We went to one of those tent sales that sells rugs to look at portable flooring. You like what I did there? I made that up. Portable Flooring. Catchy. Anyway, while we were there, another couple was looking at rugs and found one a couple and asked the rug guys(who knew there were rug guys?) to pull both rugs out from two huge piles. After a few minutes the girl asks the rug guys to hold the rugs so she can go to another store and shop around.

The guy told her that he could only hold it if she paid, which was not going to happen. Lets just say that the guy was not happy with what happened. So we just happened to be looking for a rug and wouldn't you know it, we really liked the one the girl had picked. We bought it and thus, we pulled the rug out from someone.

My next goal is to find someone with a woolen hood on so I can yank it down, followed by dove hunting with a rock, but just one.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, October 22, 2007

It's Magically Delicious

It was revealed over the weekend that the Harry Potter character, Albus Dumbledore was Gay. This revelation came as something of a shock to me until the supporting evidence was given. Now, not only do I see it but I am very excited by this turn of events.

This does lead down a few roads that will definitely cause issues.

1. There will be an outcry from the Christians and Family Rights organizations. Somehow this means that every kid who reads any of the Harry Potter series will automatically become a homosexual.

2. This will be another bullet in the arsenal of things that make Harry Potter the devil.

3. There will now be an outcry that Albus Dumbledore is a pedophile. He was a closet homosexual who has secret passwords into his office that are always a type of candy, he surrounds himself with little kids, and he is constantly showing off his talents with his magic "wand".

All in all, the news was surprising but I think this can be a real advancement in Gay rights. For the last few years, there has been a Gay man heavily focused on throughout one of the most popular and well known children's literature series of all time. He is instantly recognizable to children and adults, he is familiar, and he is popular.

I must say, "Good Show, J.K. Rowlings". And way to go on adding another layer to an already incredible character. An entire generation of kids have now been exposed to an alternative lifestyle and have accepted a gay figure without prejudice. George Michael, eat your heart out.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, October 15, 2007

Have you met...Palmala?

So, Friday night Diana's company threw an end of year bash at the House of Blues and bought out the entire restaurant. They had food and drink, a live jazz band, prizes and a palm reader. I have always wanted my fortune told and I figured this was pretty close so Diana and I did a couples reading.

The reading began with my wife and I holding our palms face up to an attractive young lady who skimmed them with a small flashlight. She looked over both of us and through a series of glimpses, she was able to pick up most of our character traits. My ability to let things go, Diana's quick temper, the fact that I don't like to do things I'm not good at. She told Diana that she should understand that I won't just know to do stuff and that she shouldn't expect me to.

She was able to tell us a few things about our future as well. 2 kids, the first within 18 months and success in our careers were just a couple of things. She claimed that Diana would want to switch careers once we start having kids and I would stick with my career. That info was quite different than what we have planned.

The best part of the entire thing was the skepticism of my wife and her face as a perfect stranger was able to analyze her so well. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped many times throughout the reading. I don't think she expected to be so easily read. I know I didn't.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I'ts Dripping Cold

I am typing this as a quarter of an inch of my fat gut freezes. Right before I logged in to this blog, I took a drink from a glass of water and three drops of water beaded off and hit my belly. I wasn't expecting it so, of course, it was so much colder than it should have been.

I hate condensation. It is the equivalent of ball sweat and it makes me just as uncomfortable. I don't really understand all of the science behind condensation but I will tell you this, every time I pick up a seemingly safe glass of water/tea and a little bead of sweat runs down and kamikaze dive bombs my chest, I just want to take a hair dryer and sadistically evaporate ever drop of water on the glass.

They make those plastic cups that you prevent condensation, but those are bulky and really limit the amount of liquid in one glass. Why should I have to suffer through the pearls of embarrassment that make me look like I am crying or lactating when I should be able to use any damn cup I want to drink out of? Who the hell do you think you are condensation? What gives you the right to urinate all over my shirt just because you get cold from the ice I put inside of you? Screw you!!!

At least with beer bottles I can smother your ass with a koozie. That always ruins your fun. But no, you can't keep your drops to yourself. You have to attack me just as I go to have a drink. And you even sneak a few in when I am drinking out of Styrofoam!!! Styrofoam? You are so wrong.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Carpoolers and Heroes and House...Oh My

Well, I haven't written in a few days and the reason behind it is television has begun again. I have started my yearly tradition of watching two hours of television a day. This year I took on a few new shows.

Picking Daisies has turned into a real treat, Carpoolers is wildly entertaining, and The Big Bang Theory makes my Monday. Also, Bionic Woman has filled my Alias fix.

I have taken the plunge into a second season of Heroes. I love How I Met Your Mother, House, The Office, Earl and 30 Rock. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to know what my audience thinks of all the new shows on now.

By the way, Cavemen sucks.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Sexual Healing?

I had a random thought that I feel the need to share. What if you had the power to heal people but to do it you had to have sex with them, would you use your power?

At first, this sounds great. You can cure disease and get freaky at the same time. However, it also poses a few ethical dilemmas. I am married and if this power manifested, I would be forced to cheat on my wife for the greater good. Would she allow that? Also, both sexes get sick which means you would have to swing both ways to fix people.

The more I thought about it, the more confused I got. Would you take your gift all over the world? If so, how do you pay for it. I did think you could "cure" rich people for money and then give your gift to the poor for free. Could you "cure" with protection on? How many babies would you produce and what would happen to them? Would you cure everyone or would you pick and choose. Would you only cure hot people?

If you have any thoughts, feel free.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, October 01, 2007

Fair Today, Hot Tomorrow

I gained 5 pounds yesterday. We went to see "The Lion King" off Broadway last night and it is being held at the Texas State Fair. Our tickets give us the option of going into the Fair for free but as I wasn't too thrilled about the experience last year, I opted for not going. We did arrive at the show with an hour to spare so Erin, Diana and I went to eat Fair Food.

I am not sure how many days of my life I lost by consuming this food but I can tell you that it was worth it. I think they mix magic in the fryers of the fair because it has to have something more than vegetable oil in it to make that food so delicious. In the course of an hour I ate

1) A spicy sausage on a stick
2) A corn on the cob (or butter on a stick with a little corn mixed in, I am not sure which)
3) Half a funnel cake
4) a Large Dr. Pepper that was way too sugary
5) and a couple of bites off of a corn dog that made me see God (or maybe that was just Big Tex. Does God wear a Cowboy Hat?)

None the less, I became fat and happy and it was cause for celebration. Though I couldn't actually celebrate because my fat ass was too heavy to move.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Ode to Iced Tea

I can drink you morning, noon or night
You go with every meal
No coffee, soda, or juice will do
Craving tea leaves is what I feel

Lipton & Tetley make me salivate
Taste that tinge of brewed support
I even suffer through a Brisk
As a last resort

Oh tea leaf, don’t ever leave
I wouldn’t know what to do
Oh tea leaf, if you ever leave
My heart would break in two

Fin

Newt

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The devil you say?

I had a random thought last night and ran it by my wife, but now I am going to pose it to you. I am hoping that we can turn this into a giant argument so be prepared that whatever stance is taken, I will immediately take the opposite.



The question I have is...


If a nun and a priest ever had a child would it be ultimately good or ultimately evil?


Be prepared to defend your position. Talk amongst yourselves.


That is all,


Newt

Monday, September 17, 2007

It don't matter if your Black or White

Well, now that I have started my new job, I will have stories. The first of many is that I met Black Trinity. Who is Black Trinity? Well, he is the African American version of me. Let me explain.

I was working at the comic book store when the owner, Jeremy, asked me to help this guy carry out some framed pieces of art that he bought. Myself and another worker carried the pieces out and I asked him where he was going to put them. I only asked because there were 6 pieces and they weren't small. He told me that he and his wife had just started renting a 2 bedroom house and when they got enough money, he was going to get his own room and put them up. Sound familiar?

Well, when I mentioned that I did just that he grilled me on how I set up my room. I described it and when I mentioned the giant "Attack of the 50 ft Woman" poster, his eyes lit up. He went on to describe how his wife surprised him on his birthday a few weeks ago with a Nick Fury Replica Gun. He had wanted it for a long time but didn't have the money to buy it. She bought it and surprised him. Are you getting freaked out yet?

Finally, the last piece of the puzzle on my doppelganger was found while meeting his wife. She collects shot glasses. Just like Diana. I am living in Bizarro World. I met Black Diana.

It is creepy to know that there are others out there that are just like me. Only they blend in better at a Revival Church.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Everybodys working on the weekend

Well, I have finally hit a point in my comic book collecting where I had to make a decision. Either I cut back on comics or I get a second job. So, I got a second job...sort of. I started my part time position of 2 days a month as a comic book store employee at Titan Comics.

I started going to Titan about a year ago and I love the place. After Diana and I discussed my options on comic money, I decided to take a shot and see if they needed any help part time. Low and behold, they did. I am now working every other Saturday from 11:30 to 7. And, I get free lunch. Below is a pic of the store.

I worked my first shift on Saturday and had a blast. What did I do? I stocked comics, organized statue boxes, and filed comic books. Oh, and I had fun. I missed working in a comic book shop. I may never be able to turn my love of comics into a career but if I can further my comic book habit without breaking my bank, then I can be happy.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, September 14, 2007

Hey you, Susie Q

Well, week two of Dancing with the Averages went well last night. The main thing was I discovered a local Italian place next door to the dance studio that serves $1 draft and then include Shiner Beer.

Last night was a step up(pun) from last week. We went over our basic moves and moved on to a couple of more difficult steps. We learned a twisting move for our feet and then went on to learn a little step called the Susie Q. It seemed odd to me that a Salsa dance step would be called the Susie Q. It is pretty much just a bunch of cross steps to an 8 step beat.

I have to say that I am improving. The instructor made us dance with her and she commented to the class that I was a good leader. That's right, I rock. The most interesting thing was getting to see the intermediate class dance. It looked so much more difficult but still remained fluid. I am getting excited for next week.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Death Day part deux

Well, my loyal readers, the title of this post may seem familiar as today is the 2nd Anniversary of my late Granny Nan's death. I wrote a post last year to tell about my Granny's death and so I again let you know I will be celebrating her death by thinking about her life.

I told Diana that I wouldn't be sad today and I am keeping that promise. I have heard of people reacting to the day of death as a day of mourning. I know that today is just another day in the lives of millions of people so me holding onto grief won't serve a purpose. So instead I will share a happy memory and carry that with me the entire day.

My Granny was a mean woman. I was constantly at her house and when I would bathe there, she had a ritual that haunts me to this day. I would sit in the tub for an hour taking a "bath", which means I would play with my Star Wars figures and my toy plane. I suppose you could say that I cleaned myself, but in truth I relied on the water to do the work.

Nan Vaughn always had different ideas. I had an inspection after every bath. I passed on almost everything except I always forgot to clean behind my ears. Who remembers that? I can't see or smell back there so what did I care? Well, Granny cared because as hard as I tried to convince her otherwise, she insisted on taking a wet rag and pretend the back of my ears were a pan with baked on grease.

She would pull my ear as far away from my head as she possible could and scrub until she could see pink. I don't know how dirty it was back there, but by the end of my torture session, I don't know how they could have been cleaner. I think back and wonder if there was ever any dirt back there at all or did she just enjoy messing with me. I guess I won't ever have the answer to that question, but truthfully, I don't want it.

So, if you have a minute and have ever met Nan Vaughn, just sit and think of her. She would have liked that.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Bald and the Beautiful

I have noticed an alarming trend in the media lately. Whenever I hear any commercials for hair growth products or medical treatments for hair loss the term used to describe it is Male Pattern Hair Loss. Where did the word baldness go?

There is a commercial on the radio that says just this. A guy is at a barber and asks what to do about his hair loss. The barber tells him Male Pattern Hair Loss is treatable. When did the word 'bald' become a four letter word? Is it up there with S#!+ and F*(k?

It seems ridiculous to think that we are becoming so PC that the term bald, balding, or whatever variation of the word hurts people. Your bald. It's a fact of life. Your DHT levels are high or low, I don't know which, and you are loosing hair. Embrace it. It will not end your life but it will clog your drain so keep some Drano handy.

There are enough bald people in the world that this shouldn't be an issue. And yet, it is. I can't get my head of luscious brown locks around this idea.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

It's a case of taken Identity

My credit card number was stolen and used over the weekend. Yes, you read correctly. I am a victim of credit card theft. I was notified of an odd charge on Saturday and by Monday I was cancelling the card because of a couple thousand dollars in charges.

Everything seems like it is going to be fixed smoothly so I am not worried. I don't exactly know how the number was taken but needless to say, I love Wells Fargo because they notified me over a $9.95 charge to a online book club and I still don't understand how they were able to pick out that charge as fraudulent.

I have decided that I wish I were a credit card thief. You get to buy all sorts of junk that you don't pay for and if your smart you don't get caught. The only downside is you have to have planned out all your purchases because you only get a two or three day window to buy everything.

I have heard from people that this process is a pain in the ass to fix, but so far I can't complain. I made three phone calls and I think I got it handled. I do have to wait for a new credit card but that's not a big deal. It is just a hassle I wasn't expecting to deal with. That's life for you.

That is all,

Newt(or is it)

Friday, September 07, 2007

That's not Spirt Finger...

Hola. I am in such a Latin mood today because last night my lovely wife and I started dance classes. Some coworkers asked me if I would be interested in joining them in a Salsa and Merenge class and I am not one to turn down an experience. We are now committed for 10 classes of booty shaking fun.

While I pretend to be able to dance and have wicked mad skills at the Dance Dance Revolution, I am not one to claim rhythm. Last night we learned the basics of Salsa and after an hour and a half they had us sidestepping, cumbia-ing, and spinning. It was slightly awkward towards the end though because we had to switch partners with every single person in the room so I was dancing with 9 different women that I didn't know.

I am definitely going to have to practice all week to keep the steps down. But, by the end of this I will feel like Patrick Swazie. So you better leave Diana alone cause "No one puts Baby in the corner".

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Da na na na na na na....Today is my birthday.

That's right, today is my birthday. And yes, I am gonna have a good time. By the time you read this I will have become 25. Shit that's old. I guess I should start saving for my AARP.

My wife actually surprised me with a gift that I did not see coming. I have always been able to determine exactly which gift I will be getting through a series of dropped hints, logical assumptions, overall ability to purchase everything I want and leave little left to buy me. However, last night I was mowing the yard and when I got done I was told I would get my gift. I grabbed a shower and spent the better part of my scrubbing going through the list of things she could get me.

Was I getting Scrubs Season 5? Maybe she remembered that I searched for that hard to find book that I told her about? Nope. She surprised me by purchasing me a bust that I have been lusting after for a while and one she had only seen once and heard mention of numerous times. I came down the stairs to a brand new 1970's classic costume Captain Britain mini-bust. If I hadn't just taken a shower I would have peed myself.

So apparently, being 25 is not too shabby. I hadn't even started my birthday and I had already turned a gift card to Half Price Books into a large amount of comics, and now have a new bust to put on the shelf. With all this good luck, I am afraid what karma will do to me to bring me back down.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I'm a Superhero...well maybe not Super

I tuned into something today. I think I have powers. Now, I wish I could say I learned to fly or can shit fire, but no. Instead, I have determined my mutant super ability is the power of finding random things.

What kind of crappy power is this? Well, let me explain with examples. This weekend was my favorite book stores, Half Price Books, annual Labor Day 20% off sale. As soon as I heard this I knew (powers manifesting) that I would stumble across a used copy of The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut. Mind you, I have been trying to find a used copy of this book for more than a year and have had no luck. Well, my powers were working because yesterday in Plano, I found one in great condition.

My powers were also working at the same sale when I stumbled across 40 issues of Avengers West Coast that I have been looking for. I have the first 45 issues but haven't gotten around to trying to get the rest of them. However, the day after I got a gift card to HPB, I happened to stumble across almost every issue from 50-100. Powers activated.

Today, I used my powers to find fifty cents. I walked by a pay phone and turned around and decided to check for change. I stopped doing that in high school but today I knew, that's right, knew that I would find change. While my powers aren't that impressive you can't argue that they are effective.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Chronicles of Pornia

Last night was a first for my wife. I took her to a porn shop. In a previous post I told of how during a radio contest for Harry Potter, I won a gift certificate to a porn store. Well last night it got redeemed and my lovely wife decided to go with me to spend it.


Once there, I learned a few things about my wife.

1. She has never seen a porn video

2. She didn't know what a cock ring was

3. She thought all porn had a story


The place we went is called New Fine Arts and it is very popular in Dallas. It is actually a well lit, clean store with private viewing booths and, from what Diana said, clean restrooms. It had a huge selection and you don't really grasp the girth of the Porn industry until you enter one of these places.


We spent about an hour walking around and pointing out interesting things. You can purchase silicone ass or vagina replicas of some of your favorite porn stars. There was a machine that had a bar that you could attach a multitude of attachments to for pleasure, and there was such a variety of dildos, lubes, pumps and condoms that it boggles my mind as to how many sexual devices are out there.


Another interesting event was reading movie titles. I think the most surreal moment I had was when I was reading titles aloud to Diana and came across "Cum Guzzlers Vol 5." I actually read that aloud, within earshot of other people and did not feel at all out of the ordinary in doing so.


I will keep what was purchased out of the blogosphere but it was nothing too racy. I was told, however, that I was not allowed to get a sex swing.


That is all,


Newt

Monday, August 27, 2007

Oh What a Night...Pt 2

Well, we can continue our journey into the night of Greek and Geek by telling you about the comic book art show. After finishing up our Gyros we headed to Titan Comics, the greatest comic book store I have been to, and I have been to a lot of comic book stores.

They were serving alcohol and snacks so we went in and grabbed a can of wine. Wait, did I just say can? That's right. In a night for trying new things, we found out that some company makes carbonated wine in a can. It is about the size of a grapefruit juice can and comes with a straw. It wasn't too bad if you didn't use the straw but I don't think I will ever drink it again.

Luckily, they had bottled wine so me and my lady friends partook slightly, I more than they. I am a glutton when I am not fitting the bill so even the cheap donated wine was good. There were two bands playing throughout the night but the comic book store wasn't the greatest venue as sound doesn't travel well.

The auction was at the end of the night and by then I had already put silent bids on a few items. I got an awesome Scott Kurtz sketch of Spider-man and Spider Woman that is now hanging in my room. I also picked up a new art page of Spider-man. All in all I walked out spending $90. The girls didn't have much fun but I did, and 33% is not a bad rate of return.

Now that is all,

Newt

Oh, What a Night...Pt 1

I have been meaning to post on an evening that Erin, Diana and myself shared recently. Wait a minute. You perverts, that's not what I am talking about. Get your minds out of the gutter. Jeez!


The night I am talking about is when I dragged Erin & Diana to a mediocre comic auction to benefit the Hero Foundry. It was to benefit the charity's rebuilding efforts after flooding washed them out of their building. I will post on the Art Show/Auction later but today I will discuss what happened before we went.


Dammit, stop trying to make this a dirty event. I mean, it does involve Greek but that shouldn't put your mind in a dirty hole. We went to eat Greek food at Stratos. You Love It, Baby! I have never experienced a Gyro but I had one that night. For the few of you who don't know, gyro is a Greek work meaning Taco. It contained a sauce that I was hesitant about but what the hell, I ate it.


What made this evening special was that there was a belly dancing show right in front of our table. There were two women and they were scantily clad. I have never seen a live belly dance so the awe in my face was pretty apparent. The girl in Green and the girl in Red were the two dancers.


I was afraid we needed to tip them but wasn't sure if that was an insult. But then the money dance came up and I was forced to put a dollar down the side of this woman's skirt. She smelled nice though. The entire event was awkward for me but it was fun to watch. I will admit that I tried to belly dance for Diana the next day but it didn't have the same effect.


That isn't all,


Newt

Friday, August 24, 2007

Dinner with an old friend

On Wednesday, I had a mouth orgasm during dinner. Do you want to know why? Because we now have the greatness that is Rosa's Cafe only 10 minutes from our house. We stumbled across this on Wednesday morning after dropping my truck off at the Ford dealership for repairs. We missed our exit and got turned around when all of a sudden a huge pink billboard appeared on the side of the road.

It said Rosa's Cafe 3 miles. 3 MILES!!! Do you know what that means. I am welling up with tears just thinking about that delicious Queso. Oh, and those chips. This is like a dream come true topped with Christmas and sprinkled with sex. That's how good this is.

I am amazed at how Karma has given me this treasure. Shangri La is now a county away.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Toilet Humor

Here is a funny story that is somewhat gross. As Diana and I went upstairs to go to bed we started our nighttime bathroom ritual of brushing teeth, taking out contacts, etc. I normally go pee right before bed but felt a slight movement coming so I sat to pee just in case I needed to do more than urinate.

Having lived with my wife for a number of years, it has become commonplace for the two of us to do disgusting things in front of each other. As I was sitting on the toilet letting a multitude of poots fly, she stood in front of me and we started having a conversation. A few seconds in, I don't remember the topic we were discussing, and she started laughing. I looked at her kind of funny because what I had just said wasn't humorous and she told me "You know you are comfortable with each other when you can have a conversation with your husband while he is wiping his ass."

I couldn't agree more.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, August 20, 2007

Billy the Bookcase says Hello

Well, this is embarrassing. After all my talk, I realigned some priorities this week and have come to the conclusion that I need to hold off on getting my new shed. After discussing it with my wife and pricing them out, it doesn't seem financially feasible for now. Sorry to all those who ran out to buy me gift cards to get a shed.

However, the realignment has opened up a wealth of possibility for me as I am now the proud owner of a brand new set of bookshelves. We drove out to Ikea, the land of oak, pine and Norsemen, to get a set of Bookcases named Billy. All day Saturday was spent constructing piece A into slot B but in all I completed my task and it looks freakin' awesome. I also started rearranging my room and have since become embroiled in the art of mat making.

Its like Extreme Makeover: Library Edition. MOVE THAT SHELVE!!! I want a bullhorn. I think I may be realigning my Fung Shui or something because now when I am in my room, I feel at peace. Actually, that is bull. My anal retentiveness won't let me stop thinking about what it looks like in there. It is still very cluttered overall but I am about to do some more work tonight and I after that, I won't be able to recognize the place.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I'm Shedding

Here is my year long ultimate plan, and it starts with a shed. You see, I am getting a Vespa. Yes, you read correctly. I will be one of those people you see on the road on a scooter. Don't judge me!!! I can pull this look off and anyone who knows me is probably thinking, "Well, its stupid but I can totally see him doing something like this."

But, before I can get my Vespa a few things have to happen.
1. I have to pay off my truck. (This will be complete in April)
2. I have to get a motorcycle license.
3. I have to have somewhere to put it.

The somewhere to put it is where the shed comes in. Over the last couple of days I have been hatching a plan to get a bigger shed for my backyard. One that can house all of my lawn equipment as well as fit a motor scooter. And you know what I found out? Sheds are pricey. Some of the lower end models aren't that bad but they can steadily climb very quickly. So, for my birthday I am getting a shed. I am cashing in my credit card points, I am calling in all favors, and I am sucking up to my wife.

One person told me that getting a shed for my birthday made me an old man. Well, Kiss my Ass person.

I really only wrote all this down to make everyone aware that I want shed money for my birthday. I hope that was painfully aware.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, July 27, 2007

I'm the Hyphenator

So, Diana and I were at dinner the other day and the subject of her last name changing came up. She said someone told her that they thought she would be a Hyphenator. As in, she would hyphenate her last name with mine.

Up until then I had never heard the term before and I thought it was very silly. It sounds like a crazy punctuation robot from the future has come back in time to stop Sarah Conner from becoming Sarah Conner-Douglas or something.

I had always understood the process of hyphenating your last name. I don't really understand the reasoning behind it. Is is a longing to keep your identity while journeying forth into your new life? Is it a way to save time by not having to go through all the name changing processes? Or, is it a reason to add punctuation into an otherwise hyphen free environment.?

I personally like it that my wife has my last name only. I think it has more solidarity to the marriage because we are two of the same now. It also sounds better than her last name, which had way to many syllables.

That is all,

N-E-W-T

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Charlie Bartlett

What is 'Charlie Bartlett'? Well, as noted in a previous post, I got tickets to a few different advanced screenings of upcoming films and 'Charlie Bartlett' was one of them. And last night Diana and I, along with my friends Allison and Ryan, went to see it.

I had no real expectations of the movie because I hadn't heard anything about it. However, I was pleasantly surprised. The basis for the film is there is this extremely bright kid who gets himself kicked out of every private school that would take him and thus he has to start public school. From there he ends up acting as a psychiatrist to the entire student body, supplies them with prescription drugs in a very funny way, and becomes the savior of the school.

All of this sounds silly, and it was, but it was also funny and warm and at times it was downright important. I guess that might seem like an odd word to describe a movie but, like 'Saved' or 'Pleasantville', it used a silly premise to hit on a lot of important issues. It covered alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, and high school.

If you can, GO SEE THIS FILM. I know when it comes out we will probably own it because even Diana couldn't stop raving about it. The best part is that is was free.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Cow and Pig - A blissful union

You know when you are in school and the teacher will always ask you, "What's your favorite food?" I hate that question. Invariably, half of the kids would always say Pizza. Get an original thought you stupid second graders.

I only bring this up because I realized today what my favorite food is. I never really gave it much thought but as with most of my really great thoughts, this one just hit me. I love Bacon Cheeseburgers. Now I know that this probably sound like a really generic food and after the lashing I just gave the second grade class of Sam Houston Elementary it may seem lame. However, I realized today that a Bacon Cheeseburger is a meal that I could eat on a consistent basis for the rest of my life and I wouldn't get tired of it.

I really think the Nobel Peace Prize should go to the first guy to put bacon on top of a hamburger patty. When he did it he probably thought, 'This won't catch on' but he would have been so incredibly wrong. The flavors of pork fat and beef fat hovering on a patty, covered in a Kraft single and put on a bun. Well, I may just have to clean myself up after that.

I think we should all share our favorite foods. And if any of you go generic with a food group, I will climb out of this computer and slap the shit out of you.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I'll take The Rapists for $200...

Well, in keeping with the Harry Potter theme, I have a story. I was driving back from picking up some paper for work when the local talk station that I listen to, Live 105.3, said they were going to do a Harry Potter trivia contest. There contests work like this: three callers get paired with a radio personality from there morning show and take turns answering questions.

So I called in and ironically, I got paired with Jasmine. Why is this ironic? Well, Jasmine is the DJ that I bought Diana's engagement ring from. So, here we are, going against two teams and using my knowledge and the fact that Jasmine is a good guesser, we won. And my prizes were...

1. 2 tickets to see Gallagher

2. a 3 disk set of The Doors Live in Boston

3. a $20 gift card to Sonic

4. Movie screening passes to a couple of movies

And, the piece de resistance,

5. A $25 gift card to New Fine Arts

Wait, some of you are asking, what is New Fine Arts? Well, it is a Porn shop here in the Metroplex, with three locations serving you. Sorry, I hear too many of their commercials. So anyone that says that a knowledge of children's literature doesn't pay off, well the next time I am watching my brand new copy of Debbie Does Dallas 2006 I will call that person incorrect.

That is all,

Newt

Alas, Poor Harry. I knew him well.

Well, it's over. I finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It was great and sad. The ending was better than I imagined and I now truly believe that J.K. Rowling won't write anymore of the Harry Potter universe. I read the book for 13 hours strait and finished at 11 o'clock last night. She finished it brilliantly.


We went to the Midnight release party at the neighborhood Borders and I have to say, as a HP fan I am nothing compared to the people that turn out to these things. There were a couple of people that looked way to close to the characters. There was a costume contest that brought out a lot of cute kids and the Borders Cafe' changed there menu to serve some of the drinks that are mentioned in the book series.


I am sad to see Harry Potter leave. I admit to being a complainer when the books were so far apart. I sat around discussing how there was no possible way to wrap up the series and that Rowling was just trying to make a need for more books. But in the end she did it and now I am left with an amazing set of books that do seem to contain some of the very magic that the stories are about.


The series is magical in that it did something that I never considered entirely possible. It made children want to read. I mean really want to read. Diana and I were in line for our book and she asked me "Is there any other book that causes this kind of response?" And the answer is of course "No". All across the world, children lined up to get this book. I think the best example I have seen is on Friday night at 11:59 pm, when the manager of the book store told everyone to make way because the books were being brought out. The cheering and clapping that filled that store was the equivalent to Brad Pitt walking out at a movie premiere. Now that is the power of reading.


That is all,


Muggle Newt

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

A Horse, A Horse, my Nerd-dom for a Horse

If you read yesterdays post, it was established that I, Newt the Wonder Frog, am King of the Nerds. While Nerds have had Revenge they have yet to have a King. Therefore, I have stepped forward and will rule them all, with my One Ring.

As king, I feel it is my duty to establish my kingdom. And as my loyal readers, let me introduce it to you. My kingdom covers all of America. It is an ever changing landscape but the majority of it is convention centers and strip malls. If you see a sign for Star Trek, Star Wars, Comic books, Gaming, or Porn then you have entered the realm of Newt.

My people are a proud race. We are proud of our comic book collections, proud of our fully recreated helms from the Starship Enterprise that is built in our garages, and proud of our officially licensed Gimli Axe replicas. We range in age from young to old, yet nary a female is in existence.

Yet we are not a perfect people. We too are cursed with incurable acne, halitosis, and B.O. Do not judge us for our faults, for they are the people you call when your computer has an unexpected fatal error. And we are blessed in other ways.

Our mode of transport ranges in the kingdom. We travel by car, bicycle, and bus. A favorite of my people is the White Van. It provides maximum space for traveling to conventions and has easy exit while in various forms of costume.

If you are ever in my kingdom, try to treat my subjects with respect. We can be quite vengeful if provoked and many of my kin are martial arts masters, while others know various forms of Klingon battle techniques.

By royal Decree,

That is all,

King Newt

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

"My Precious"

Well, I have been MIA for a few weeks and I bet you are all just so curious as to where the heck I have been. Well, you see, I was given this ring...

It seemed like such a magical afternoon. The sun shined through the trees, I heard a wizard speaking of the power of a ring. An Elvish ring that, if forsaken, could bring an end to a kingdom. I was asked if I took the ring and if I would carry it and I said...I Do.

After taking this ring there was much merriment and dance. The mead flowed as I formed my fellowship. Alas, only I and my faithful companion traveled onward. We crossed land and sea to get to a place to keep the ring safe. A vineyard belonging to a wench named Martha was our abode and we constantly traveled the isle.

Alas, our trip was cut short. An evil which shall be called Jarvis reared its ugly head and I was forced home. Oh, how I miss the isles but I will forever remember her luscious lands.

I am now eternally bonded with the One Ring. Even now it keeps a tight grip on my finger. But I will not falter in my promise.

That is all,

The Ring bearer Newt

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Ream Job

Well, life can be pretty sucky and today started out as such. I got an email from my boss yesterday saying to come into his office when I got to work this morning. I didn't know why exactly but I do what I am told so I showed up. And my day turned to shit.

If you read my posts regularly, which we all know you do, then you would know that I got promoted and took over a department a while back. Well, that hasn't been the smoothest transition and I keep getting called in and told what a crappy job I am doing and how I should do more of this or that. So I try and I try and I get better. Well, yesterday I forgot to call a client and tell them that a job was going to be later than we expected. I just forgot. No malice or deceit, I got busy and didn't remember. Trouble is, that client wasn't happy about it.

So, this morning I got told that forgetting isn't an option and that if I want to keep my job over the department that I should start taking it more seriously and work longer hours and memorize everything that is in my department. I fully admit that I dropped the ball and it sucks that it had this big of an effect but being reamed for it was damned awful.

The day got better and, who knows, maybe all these talks I keep getting are starting to work. I do feel like they are leading me to become more detail oriented and focused. Still, I think being told you are doing a bad job is just one of those things that sticks with you. And you can either take what is said and use it to do better or you can quit and say that it wasn't meant to be. I will not be quitting.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, June 14, 2007

A post on Christianity

Well, I finished reading Christopher Moore's novel Lamb. It is the story of Christ and his best friend Biff and fills in the gap of the years before Jesus was thirty. It is great and very funny. The reason I am posting is due to something I read in this book and wished to share. I feel it is the best summation of Christianity that I have ever heard. It goes as follows...

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Jesus was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you(became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c),
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heaven
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a,b,c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked

Now if that's not Christian faith, I don't know what is.

I also leave you with this quote:
Nobody's perfect.....well, there was this one guy but we killed him.
Anonymous

That is all,

Newt

Monday, June 11, 2007

I do know why I didn't come...'cause I was at a concert

Whoohooooooo!!!! I just finished watching Norah Jones live in concert at Nokia Theatre. What an awesome show.

The show started at 7:30 and she and her opening act, which was a solo guitarist, came out and performed three songs together. This goes to show you that some times it is a good idea to show up to a concert for the opening act. Then she left the stage and let the opener, a guy named M.Ward from Portland, get to it. He was very talented but his music was a little slow and melodic. You can check him out here.

Norah came on with her band, The Handsome Band, around 8:30 and played a good hour and a half. She mostly played her new album, which I have yet to listen to. So I wasn't familiar with the songs. She mixed in a few of her older stuff to keep the flow. She has an awesome voice which is great live. She encored with "Don't know why" and ended with a Willie Nelson cover. Great stuff.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, June 04, 2007

Bounty - The Quilted Quicker Sucker Upper

What the hell is with Bounty? I swear, how the hell much more absorbent can it really get? Every time I turn around I hear or see another commercial about how great Bounty is. Well, la di Freakin' Da!!!

You realize where this absorbency craze is headed, don't you? Soon, we will be buying wash cloths on a roll. In an effort to get more absorbency out of each individual sheet, we will be buying rolled up sponges. How would you like for a trickle of water to find that on the counter. It's a fudgin' paper towel. When did we start needing our Brawny to act as a wash cloth when we do the dishes? I need it to wipe Cheetos dust on, not wash my car.

One day you will turn around and the paper towel market is going to be taken over. And the revolution shall be led by this guy. ---->

That is all,

Newt

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Ida-HO Potato

Well, I was sitting around the other day and I started thinking, "How big of a slut is Mrs. Potato Head?"


This may seem random but give it some thought. She dresses in gaudy costume jewelry all the time, she is constantly being seen with a random assortment of faces, and she wears way to much makeup. Have you seen the number of holes that woman has on her. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if a G.I. Joe has humped up on her ear hole while she was gallivanting about.


And you know she can get a big load in that ass of hers. It literally folds open. Also, Mr. Potato Head does not come with a penis, yet Mrs. Potato Head comes with some lips(wink, wink). You do the math. I don't blame her for her actions. Some times people are just made that way. Truthfully, I'd do her. She has an ethnic quality to her. That light brown skin and that big ole booty. How could anyone resist, be it animal, vegetable, or mineral?


That is all,


Newt

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Getting Stoned

Where has the time gotten too? I apologize for being so distant recently. Wednesday started the Trinity and Diana Summer Concert series. Dallas just got a House of Blues and Joss Stone was there on Wednesday. We have had tickets for a while and I have been really anticipating this concert. Why? Well, I am totally hot for Joss.

The concert was really good. The HOB is a great venue and really designed interestingly. It was standing room only so we showed up a little late and saw half of the opening act, a guy named Ryan Shaw. After seeing a couple of his songs, I was disappointed that we missed him. Joss went on around 9:40 and played for about an hour and a half.

Damn that girl has a voice on her. She sang most of her new stuff off of the latest album and didn't go too much off of her first two CDs. She had a lot of fun on stage and looked damn good doing it. I couldn't stop singing her songs for a couple of days. My one complaint was that she kept her bangs in her eyes and it made it unable to see her face. Other than that it was an awesome concert and I loved seeing it.

And to prove how British she is, she drank tea the entire time she was on stage. And she said Bugger. God, British girls are hot.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Can I park here?

I meant to post about an incident that happened to Diana and I a couple of weeks ago but forgot. My fiancee and I went to the glorious shopping facility that is Grapevine Mills Mall. It was a windy day and we were struggling to find a parking spot. Well, we lucked into a space near the end of a row, as did another woman who parked two spots away. As we were getting out of the car our neighbor was pulling her huge ass car out of the spot. I thought she had decided that she couldn't fit in the spot when I noticed she was holding up traffic.

I looked and she had her window down. She looked extremely confused and when she saw me she asked "Can I not park here?" I was confused by her question and I said "Yes." She said "Doesn't that mean that I can't park here?" Well, I looked down and saw that red line that says 'Fire Lane Do Not Park'. You know the one? It runs the entire line of parking spaces so Fire Trucks have a clear parking spot for the truck. I was so dumbfounded that I just said, "Yes, you can park there. You just can't park along the red line." The look of common sense hit her when she realized how stupid that question was.

I just love the logic that this involved. First, the lady was parking at the tail end of a long line of parking spots. Somehow this woman thought that this one spot, way at the back of the line was supposed to be open when all of the other spots were full. As if a fire truck was going to park in the space and run their water hoses hundreds of feet to get to a fire. Either it is that or she thought that every single person that was parked in a space along that area was illegally parked.

Don't you just love the human race?

That is all,

Newt

Friday, April 27, 2007

C'mon baby, do the pro-ca-motion with me

Well, the position that I have had my eye on since I started at the Jarvis Press finally opened up this week and I was given the chance to interview for it. My boss called me into his office and said, "Trinity, Ashley has turned in her notice and there are two other people interested in the job. You don't have as much experience managing but if you want to we will let you interview for the position."

I was stoked. Ever since I started in printing the only side of it that interested me was the digital and now I get to interview for a position as the manager of the digital department. Whoopee!! I went in prepared and killed that interview. Yesterday I was told that I am now the head of the digital department. I got the position. I am ...middle management.

I am very pumped about this. Bring on the added responsibility, extra workload, and all that paperwork.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Fuck you weather!

I don't have much to talk about except to say that the weather sucks. For the last three weeks I have tried to watch 'House' and every week we have had some freak weather situation that causes it to get preempted. April 10th there was hail, rain and high winds, April 17th there was bad rain, and tonight with only ten minutes to go until the end of the show a tornado started to form in Terrant County and now I don't know what was killing the girl in the show.

Would ten minutes really have saved anyone? Well, yes. But I am getting really sick of this. I have the guilty pleasure of watching Hugh Laurie be a dick to his fellow doctors and I don't appreciate that Bitch, Mother Nature, and her pesky winds.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Momma, I'm comin' home

Well, this weekend is coming up and we are heading to Midland for a couple of Wedding Showers. This is the time where we get to start cleaning up. I never really understood the concept of a shower. I get having parties but why call them showers? Is it because people are supposed to rain gifts down on us? Let's hope so.

I am feeling a little greedy about all the presents we are supposed to get. We are awful because we can't stop checking the Target registry to see what we might be getting. Sure, we don't know who got us what, but we know that come Monday, I am going to have to buy coffee. Still, I am very excited to be with our family and friends to celebrate our impending matrimony. Aw, who am I kidding? I get a blender.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, April 13, 2007

Beggers can't be choosers? Why Not?

Funny story. Yesterday, my coworker Caroline and I went to lunch at Taco Bueno. As we were walking in, a man came up to me and said, "Sir, is there any way I can wash your window for some money? I need gas money for my truck so I can get to work. My 13 year old son is in the hospital and I drove up here and had to leave my tools in the truck. I have $1.30 but that won't even get my truck started."

I, of course, used the standard, "I don't have any cash on me" which was true. However, even if I had cash I wouldn't have given it to him. Now the funny part of this story is that as we were driving back to work I stopped for gas and thought about washing my windows. During this consideration it dawned on me, "The guy didn't have anything to clean my window with!"

He was empty handed when he came up. How the hell was he going to clean my window if I had taken him up on the offer? Does he have some secret hidden bucket and squeegee? Because if so then he came prepared, which means that he does this consistently enough to carry them with him. If he didn't then he was begging for the sake of begging and is a LIAR!!!

I thought about his story a little bit and if you are driving to work and don't have enough gas to get there, maybe you should try to rectify that before you jump in your gas guzzling vehicle. Also, what difference does it make if your son is in the hospital and what the hell does leaving your tools in the truck have to do with gasoline? Clearly the guy was trying to overload me with information so I would just hand him the cash.

Sucks to be a beggar in a cashless society.

That is all,

Newt

God Bless You, Mr. Vonnegut!

For those of you that haven't heard, Kurt Vonnegut passed away on Wednesday. I have posted quite a few times about Vonnegut's writings and how insightful they are. When I heard the news I almost cried, literally. It is not very often that I get affected by something like this. Sure, people say "I was at home when Kennedy was shot" or "I was watching TV at my grandmothers house when the news came in that Princess Diana died" but this is different to me.

I just finished his last novel a few weeks ago and it was amazing. Mr. Vonnegut had a unique way of opening peoples eyes to things. In a previous post, seen here, I printed an amazing piece of writing about war. After reading Slaughterhouse V I will not be able to look at it the same way again.


It is not often that a writer really has an impact on you. They way Kurt Vonnegut mixed off the wall scenarios with amazing wordplay cements him into the culture. His insanity was matched by his brilliance and I will miss him. Though his website is currently halted in mourning, I recommend checking it out. Also, you can read a report about him from MSN which is very good.


That is all,


Newt

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Where the Mild things are

Is it just human nature to settle? I hate settlers. Not the people who originally came to this country and got the land started. Those bastards were just crazy and I salute their curmudgeonicity(This isn't a word but I don't care). The settlers I am talking about are the ones that will just take what they can get and stay away from risk, adversity or challenge.

We all know people like this. They work with us, live near us and in some cases sleep next to us(No, not Diana). I just saw on the news that Americans who are 100 pounds or more overweight are the fastest-growing group of overweight people in the United States. This is settling. They look down and see fat and go, "Oh well". And anyone who come to the defence of the fat with the argument that "Some of them have medical conditions" or whatever bullshit you can come up with can just shut up. Fat is fat and the occasional medical case of obesity is not the majority but the minority.

Also, people settle in their jobs, love lifes, sex lifes, friendships, body, and entertainment. Examples of this range from the guy that says he is going to start his own business some day(I am guilty of this) to the people that watch Americas Funniest Home Videos. Tom Bergeron is a douche. How many times have you had mediocre sex? I know it happens, it happens to me some times. But do we stop, regroup and fix the problem? No, we settle for bad sex. Maybe this is a bad example because even the worst sex ever is still pretty good.

Maybe settling is something that was bred into us. Look at Adam and Eve. Adam settled. He looked at his options and said "Bitch took my rib. But what other choice do I have?" I know that aside from Hugh Heifner, the average human will not be able to get everything they ever want and probably shouldn't. But it seems that more and more people are becoming stagnant. If you don't use it you loose it and it seems that as a society we have started to loose it. I could go on and on but I think this is good enough. If that isn't settling then I don't know what is.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, April 06, 2007

Operator? Operator? I need to place a call to Melmac


Does anyone remember 10-10- 321? For a year or two, America was inundated with these commercials where somehow, and I am never quite sure exactly how this worked, you could dial any number of 10-10-### combinations and save tons of cash on long distance calls. Great actors such as Terry Bradshaw, Toby Keith, the dad from Family Matters, and yes, Alf were known to tout the greatness that was 10-10-321 or 10-10-220.

I actually posed the question to Thomas, "Where did 10-10-321 go?" Well obviously it went the way of the dodo because of the cell phone. Now people can make free long distance calls so poor Alf had to find a new job. Now he's on TV Land. And I'll be damned if Toby Keith didn't become a mega star.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, March 30, 2007

That looks like S#!+

A terrible tragedy has befallen the Wonder frog Dynasty. With our new house comes home upgrades and we are currently in the stages of painting the Master Bathroom. My homosexual side came out when I decided we needed to have an Accent wall in our bathroom that was to be Chocolate Brown. So, Tuesday night I was doing some secondary touch ups on the wall to cover what my base coat had missed. I was on a ladder when Diana walked in. She is in Canada and was packing for her trip.

She went into our closet, which is in our Master bath, and as I was coming down the ladder I wasn't paying attention. I thought I was one step lower than I was and fell backwards. In the process I grabbed the ladder and knocked a lid full of paint onto the brand new carpet in our closet. It now looks like a dog shit all over our carpet and dragged it.

Needless to say, I am now having to get more carpet for our closet.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, March 23, 2007

If I was Invisible...

No, I am not singing that Clay Aiken song, though it sure is catchy. First, let me start by saying that I believe my creative side is linked to my bladder because I come up with some of my best stuff when I am peeing. Case in point, What would I do if I could become invisible?



I decided that if I could become invisible I would eat a lot of beans and randomly walk around loudly farting next to really attractive people. If done correctly, I could make everyone believe that some hot girl let one rip and it would smell awful. I'm not kidding either. My farts can get really rank. They smell like liquid Ass.

Back to what I was saying, the possibilities are endless for my inviso-toots. You could wait until some guy was standing at a urinal and let a loud one go. No one would believe him when he said he didn't do it. Or you could get pay back on that girl that said no to you when you asked them out in high school by going to her wedding and as she leans in to kiss the groom, wet fart. That would teach her to turn you down.

The penultimate would be if you just inviso-farted in a room with only one person in it. They would be sitting there and hear one rip while they were all alone. How weird would you feel if you heard a fart and smelled it when you were the only one home. Creepy. Dammit I wish I could become invisible.

That is all,

Newt

Fenced In

We got a fence!!!! I came home yesterday and this Mexican guy was just putting up the last pickets on our brand new fence. Do you know what this means? I don't have to walk the dogs anymore!!!

As soon as the fence was complete I started doing yard work. I figured out how to turn my sprinkler system on, went to Lowe's and bought some hedge trimmers, trimmed the hedges and cleaned. What is it about having something new that makes you want to clean? I can only figure that it is because when you look at your shiny new whatever you got, you just want everything else to be shiny and new too.

Duncan and Hazel love their new back yard and I we can now start leaving Hazel out during the day. Hopefully they don't dig their way out.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

A True Scary Story

Last night Diana and I watched a horror film. Most of you may never have heard of it but it is a documentary about a cult that is hiding in middle America. The story focuses on kids as they are brainwashed into a dark religion of hatred and fear. They are placed into classes with other students and preached to about eternal damnation and the Devil.

Their parents, also followers in the cult, keep their children at home and teach them as opposed to sending them into the world of public school. You may have heard of this cult. They call it...

CHRISTIANITY!!!

The movie was called "Jesus Camp" and it follows a sect of Evangelical Christians as they teach their children the love of the Lord through screaming, threat of eternal damnation, and hatred of anyone that is different. You would just have to watch the movie to see all of the scary shit that goes on but for example...
There was a 9 year old girl who goes up to a group of black men and asks one of them "If you died today where would you go?" The man answers "Heaven" and the girl asks "Are you sure?" He says yes so she and her friends leave and the girl says to her friends "I think they were Muslim."

The ideas these people have made my mouth drop. I was so amazed at the fact that these people can blatantly make statements like "Christianity is the only thing that answers all the questions...If you ignore science and use Christianity." (this is paraphrased because I forgot the exact wording.) Or when the same woman teaches her son that "Global warming isn't a big deal."


While I normally shy away from organized religion because these people scare me. This is a radical representation of Christianity but it is the crazy people in any area that keep people away. When I see kids speaking in tongues it just doesn't seem like the kind of thing I want to be a part of. Everyone should see this movie.
That is all,

Newt

Friday, March 16, 2007

Holy Lawn Care Batman!!!

Well I suppose I am officially a homeowner now. Sure, I have redone a few things here and there. Textured walls, painted, had carpet installed, etc. But Wednesday I completed a rite of passage known as "The First Mow".

I am an old pro at mowing yards but to actually own the yard I was mowing is quite a feat. To be more precise, I actually mowed weeds with an occasional blade of grass thrown in. My mother-in-law to be was kind enough to give us her lawnmower, weed eater and blower so I was all set. My yard being so small, it didn't take long to finish.

Yesterday I went out and bought a spreader and some weed killer/fertilizer and put that out so hopefully I can get a lush green yard instead of a plot filled with weeds of unknown origin.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, March 12, 2007

Sangria, the hidden dangers

Yesterday, Diana and I were running around and found out her dad was coming to Dallas for Spring Break. They were coming to look at the house so we rushed home to meet them. We came in and the house smelled really wheaty, almost as if a beer had been spilled and left to sit. Diana started giving her dad and step mom the tour when I found the cause of the smell.

My good buddy, Dan had given us a bottle of White Sangria for Christmas and I had sat it on our bar in the wine rack. I walked into the dining room to try to locate the smell when I saw a cork laying near the wall. I looked at the bar and the bottle of Sangria was empty.

I don't know why but during the day, the bottle popped its cork and since it was on its side, began to pour all over our bar, table, and floor. It took forever to get cleaned up and I had to throw the runner that was on the bar in the trash. I even had to take the bar apart to get all of the Sangria that had leaked into it.

Needless to say, our floor is sticky. And not in a good way.

That is all,

Newt

Not the taste, or the smell...It was the texture

Well what a crazy weekend. My dad, Tebo, came down to the big D this weekend to help me texture our bathroom walls. Boy was I glad because I am fairly certain that I would have failed miserably at it had he not been there. We went to Home Depot and rented a hopper to texture with and by Saturday at 1 we, and by we I mean mostly dad, were finished.

We spent the rest of the day hanging with Cousin Kristy and I finally went to one of the bars around my house. I have been hoping to find a place to go for a beer that wasn't ridiculously expensive or far away and I think I may have found such an Oasis. It is called The Sterling Bar and Grill and holds pool tables, shuffleboard, and moderately priced beer.

The best part of dad's visit was after we got back from the bar. Diana and I own this game called Charoodles. It involves using props and playing Charades. You get a series of things to act out and have to use one of the props during your actions. Well, Dad got 'Superhero Abilities' and if you have never seen a 52 year old man try to act out Mind Reading, Invisibility(in which he went and hid behind a wall), Flight, and Super Strength then you have not lived. The best part is his face every time Diana guessed an answer correctly.

To finish off the weekend, Dad installed a dog door in our back door before going back to Midland. I was so happy to have his help because I would not have been able to get the things done that we did without him.

Thanks Dad,

Newt

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Captain America R.I.P.

Well, for those of you who haven't heard, Captain America was killed in issue 25 of his series. While being escorted from prison following his surrender at the end of Marvel's Civil War, a sniper working for Cap's Arch nemesis, the Red Skull, shot him through the chest.


In the commotion, Captain America's girlfriend, Sharon Carter, shot him three times in the stomach. I know, what a bitch. But cut her some slack. She was under the control of the Red Skull at the time. How would you feel if you killed the man you love and had no control over it.

The reason I am writing this post is that this story has hit the media and made a big stink. I was reading some responses to the MSN story and people were saying that killing Captain America was political and unAmerican. That Marvel made a mistake in killing him since we are at war. I have also read people say that this is all a ploy to sell more comics.

To this I say, "No Shit!" That's what Marvel does. It sells comics. And fuck you, public opinion. Your opinion is ridiculous. Almost all of the people who have commented on this story don't even read comics. They weigh in on his death but they don't read. Why the hell do you care? You haven't been reading it. You read the story online and thought, "Well that's unAmerican. They destroyed a symbol of freedom." Bull. People make me so angry. They comment on things that they don't know about and try to make it sound like they care.

You can watch an MSN report on it Here. And an interview with the writer of Captain America, Ed Brubaker Here.

That is all,

Newt

Tuber...It's not a Tuber

What is up with the soggy fry? Diana and I went to Whataburger for breakfast last week and I got fries and low and behold, there was a soggy fry in the fry container. Having worked fast food for years I never could understand why people under cook the fries.

First, french fries are to stay in really hot grease for 3 to 3.5 minutes. If you are in a hurry, 2.5 minutes will do but it just never tastes as good. I understand the term is 'Fast Food" but who can't wait that long?

Second, there is this disdain for the world that occurs when you have been eating crispy, salty fries and you reach in and grab a soggy spud. I mean, c'mon. Cook all the fries. I shouldn't have to miss out on that heart clogging goodness just because Rosita, the fry lady can't keep her fuckin' basket in the oil. It has a timer Rosita, a timer! That means you don't pull the baskets out until the beep!!! WHY DO YOU HATE THE FRIES, ROSITA!?! YOU STUPID BI...

Whoa, that got out of hand.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, March 02, 2007

Bounce back

Last night Diana and I went to dinner and I had to pee. So I went to the bathroom and stood at the urinal when I realized that I was in flip flops. Women, you have probably never faced this problem unless you just have a weird stream but if you wear flip flops to the urinal, you had better be damn careful about pee splashing.

There is a fine art to peeing in a urinal. Aim to high and you get a fine mist of pee shooting back at you, aim to low and you create a popping that causes pee to fly at you like a grenade. Normally this is an acceptable occurrence but if you happen to be in sandals or flip flops, you will walk away with pee on your feet. You do not want pee on your feet.

Luckily, I didn't just go all willy nilly and let fly before checking my surroundings. I was able to flow without any overflow, if you know what I'm saying. I remember when I used to go to Ulmer Park Swimming Pool and would use the urinals that dropped straight down to the floor. We were to dumb to realize you needed shoes in a swimming pool bathroom and I would always end up with pee on my bare feet. Luckily I would just get back in the pool and let the yellow wash away. I love Chlorine.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Cry me a River

I was watching a movie today called 'The Puffy Chair' and two of the characters get in a fight and break up. When they decide that their relationship is over they do that 'hug and then sort of kiss.' This made me think of the break-ups I have had and those goodbyes that I went though.

As my mind tends to wander, breakups made me think of the Salty Kiss. You know that kiss that you have when the girl has shed a few tears over your final goodbye. Alright, so maybe I am the one that sheds the tears but dammit, I am a sensitive dude. You go in for a hug and then have that awkward last kiss that is a mixture of lips and tears. It's always really warm and moist. I only assume that everyone has had these kisses. They are also around during fights.

Fighting seems to be a catalyst for tear kisses. And is it just me or does everyone fear that the tears are really snot and the salt is just boogers running over your lips as you kiss? I know that is gross but seriously, it could be boogers you are kissing goodbye. Boogers!!!!

That is all,

Newt