Sunday, March 30, 2008

The Penis Mightier than the Sword

I had to stop at a Dairy Queen today to pee and noticed that on the stall next to the urinal, someone had scratched "Penis" into the stall wall. This has been a constant in the entirety of my life. I have pooped in the Midland Sears and there has been a "Penis" there; I have peed at gas stations all across the globe and found that "Dick", "Penis" and "F#(&" are prevalent in a majority of restrooms.

What is this ever growing need to carve these words into stalls? I have never done it but it seems that I am in the minority. Is there just an epiphany moment where a guy is standing or sitting there and thinks, "I know, I bet nobody ever thought of this. I will get my pen/keys/pocket knife out and carve a dirty word into this stall." Real original.

Do girls do this? Do they sit in the stalls and go "Vagina really needs to be carved into the side this toilet paper holder."? It is ridiculous. Not only is it vandalism, it is unnecessary and half the time people can't even spell correctly.

Penis, Penis, Penis. There. I have written it on my blog for anyone who happens to stop here. People really need to respect other peoples property and leave things alone. You wouldn't like it if I carved something into your bathroom door. Idiots.

That is all,


Friday, March 21, 2008

Rules of Enragement

Well, my friend and co-worker, LeAnn, just got Rock Band and I have spent the last 3 hours singing, drumming and rocking out on the guitar. We formed a band which shares the title of this blog and when I left we had just gained a tour bus and have over 5000 fans.

Being a fan of Guitar Hero, there wasn't much of a surprise that I love this game. The idea that video games have grown so far that we now have a fake band and don't have to have any skill to be successful in our endeavor is inspiring.

I was pretty excited when we started playing and by the end I was exhausted. I can't wait to get a chance to get the band together again so we can get through Paris, Rome, and Berlin. We peeked at the new songs that are ahead to there are some doosies. Oh the excitement.

That is all,


Saturday, March 15, 2008

St. Practical Joke Day

A lot of people are celebrating St. Patrick's Day today and I challenged a friend of mine who loves the holiday to tell me what the holiday is about. She couldn't at first but we slowly worked to the "right" answer. We celebrate St. Patrick's Day because St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

This, however, isn't true. It's complete bull. St. Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland. Snakes have never been present on the Emerald Isle. So, some people believe that they are out drinking green beer because a Saint somehow drove imaginary snakes out of Ireland. I love this. If you were to celebrate its intended meaning, St. Patrick's Day is a traditional day for spiritual renewal and offering prayers for missionaries worldwide.

I want to play a practical joke that turns into a holiday. Maybe I can have "Pull My finger Day." It's an oldie but a goodie, and if I could claim it for my own then it would be doubly impressive. St. Patrick's Day has entered the realm of Valentine's Day and Christmas as being so commercially driven that t looses its intended meaning and becomes useless.

That is all,


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Clap On, Clap Off...Slap her.

I had a random thought today. What would happen if you hooked a Clapper light devise into a light in the room you are having sex in?

Depending on the sexual position when you are having sex, body parts occasionally slap together. A leg will hit another leg, thigh will meet thigh, and hands will meet buttocks. If you were to have a Clapper hooked in, would your next sexual experience seem similar to Disco Night at the local Y?

I can only imagine what that would look like. You are getting your groove on in bed when suddenly you start going at it a little too hard and one "Who's your Daddy?" later, you are sitting in a bright room staring at your handprint. If you really got going, you might create a light show for the neighbors who are walking their dog outside.

One handy little device can really add some interesting experiences to the bedroom. Just be sure your partner isn't epileptic or you might have more than just an orgasm to deal with at the end of things.

That is all,


Sunday, March 02, 2008

Truth be told...

Are you a good person? There has been recent controversy over that new show 'The Moment of Truth' on Fox. The show takes a person and submits them to a lie detector. If you lie, you loose everything and half a million dollars is on the line. As you are asked questions, the amounts go up. More money equals harder questions.

The hype was due to a woman that was on whose answers revealed her to have slept with someone other than her husband during her marriage, said she has taken her wedding ring off to appear single, believes she isn't supposed to be married to her husband, and blames her husband for her lack of close friends. The kicker here is she lost the game when she was asked if she thought she was a good person and answered "Yes" but it was detected as a lie.

I love the irony that she lost on such a seemingly simple question...or is it? Have you ever really sat down and thought about if you were a good person or not? At first, I would have said an easy yes, but then I started making the mental good/bad list. This is when the grey areas started to pop up.

What would happen to you if you were put under a lie detector and asked that question? Would you answer quickly? Would you doubt your answer? I think I might.

I haven't killed anyone, don't steal...anymore, haven't cheated, and don't have much ill will towards people. But, then again, I am no saint. I hide stupid purchases from my wife, I can be manipulative and selfish, I don't do much for charity and I have a mean streak that bares its ugly head when I get angry. I think that if anyone looks into themselves they will find certain things they don't like about themselves. The main thing is to never be delusional about who you are.

Going back to the lady on the show, she said she thought she was a good person but her body said otherwise. Did she try to rationalize her answer and it got her in trouble? Maybe, but at the end of the show she had alienated her parents, ruined her marriage and got judged on television...and she still thought she was a good person. Even I am not that naive.

That is all,


Saturday, March 01, 2008

4 More Years

It may not surprise anyone, but being Newt the Wonder Frog means loving things that have to do with leaping. I plan on buying my kid a Leapster, my favorite game is Leap Frog, and I always look before I leap. Yesterday was a day right in my pond because it was a Leap Day.

To celebrate the elusive day that hasn't occurred since 2004 I started a new tradition that I will try to remember to that I started when 2012 rolls around, the Annual Leap Year Party. We celebrated last night with other Leap Year fiends by getting our drink on, snacking on some tasty grub, and ended the night with some Karaoke and a little Guitar Hero. I am surprisingly coordinated on the Guitar when I am inebriated.

I went so far as to purchase the letters you can get to build your own banners. We had 'February 29th' and '4 More Years' up on the walls. I love when I have parties at the house because it means I don't need a designated driver. However the wife, the dogs and anyone who sticks around after my 5th drink and a shot of SoCo probably isn't as appreciative of that perk.

Update I got an update from Diana on what I had missed at the party. Apparently, sex was had in our downstairs bathroom during the party and we had one girl throw up in the same bathroom. Kinda gross but, hey, it's a party. It's times like these I wished I had a better grasp on reality during the party.

Happy Leap Year Everybody.

That is all,