Tootles

So, as part of my weight loss challenge I have been spending time at the gym and Sunday, I may or may not have embarrassed myself.

I was 20 minutes into my elliptical use and I went to change the page on my Nook when suddenly I hear a very loud fart.  I looked around to see who it was and as I smelled it I realized it was ME!  It just slipped out, I swear. 

As I smelled what I had produced, my gaze slowly darted to my left and right.  A woman was standing two machines away from me and I couldn't tell if she heard it or not.  My eyes returned to my book and I made no recognition of what happened and prayed that I wasn't now looked at as the stinky guy on the elliptical machine.

That is all

Newt

Weight loss challenge

So, you know how I am fat?  Well, not for long bitches!  I went on a weight loss kick a while back before Grace was born and dropped about 20 lbs.  I have kept off about 15 of those but a while back my doctor told me I should really be in the 200 lb range.  Well, I always intended to get there but Grace takes up a lot of time, who knew? So, I slipped and stopped behaving myself and didn't visit that lovely gym I spend $30 a month to be a member of.

Well, it just so happens Erin moved back to town and is getting hitched and wants to lose some weight for her wedding, and maybe just in general.  So, I threw down a challenge. I am super competitive and bullheaded and decided if I was competing with someone, I would be more inclined to drop the pounds.  Last Monday we kicked off our Biggest Loser challenge to see who can be the thinnest.

We are weighing in every two weeks, calculating percentage lost, and the loser of that weigh in has to buy the winner something.  That part is kind of vague.  But it allows for the competition side of things to stay fresh, it allows us to be constantly in battle, and it allows for prizes.

So far, things have gone OK.  I visited the gym a few times and ate poorly instead of incredibly poorly.  I started counting calories again and made a few good decisions along the way.  However I also made some bad ones.

Here is my shame:

• 10 beers and a huge burger while in Houston
• Whataburger for breakfast on Wednesday and Thursday while in Houston
• Mexican food for lunch and dinner on Friday, with 7 beers in the evening
• An entire giant size box of Nerds on Saturday

So, will I win the upcoming weigh in? Who knows.  I am not sure what Erin has done but I hope for my sake she fails miserably, and I hope for her sake that she wins.

That is all,

Newt

The battle of weight loss and my penis hurts

I wrote to bacon a few weeks ago in telling it how much I miss it, and I still do. This was all prompted from a visit to my doctor telling me to lose weight. Well, if anyone was curious, things are going well. I joined L.A. Fitness and that has been a godsend because they offer fitness classes. I am really bad about wanting to go jump on an elliptical machine but when other people are around me I feel embarrassed not to be able to keep up.

The other nice thing about the gym is that it offers racquetball, which it turns out is really fun. My coworker and I have started playing once a week and while I am not good at it, we spend at least an hour and a half playing. Wednesday's game brought with it my first injury though. I went to swing at the ball to bounce it off the back wall and instead of getting the intended lift on the ball, it ricocheted off the wall and came back to hit me square in the penis. Not ball, just my wiener.

I was glad of it hitting where it did but it felt like it took my penis and thumped it as hard as I could against a hard surface. Sort of like slamming your finger in a door but with my dick. I had to walk it off for a little bit before the game resumed but it left no marks and I recovered so no harm done. Makes me think I might need to start wearing goggles though because that could have blinded me had it hit me in the eye.

Oh, on the weight loss thing I am sitting at a loss of 8 lbs as of this morning. I haven't had bacon or french fries in almost a month. I am consistently tracking my calories via a handy app on my iPhone and my cookie intake has dropped significantly to about 1 a week. Two more pounds and I will have achieved a quarter of my goal.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 285 - Boy are my arms tired

I haven't been to the gym in a couple of months and yesterday's task was a wake up call to that. I was supposed to go to the gym yesterday and build up my arm muscles in case I ever needed them. I was give the direction to...

Sit on bench
Put elbow on knee
Curl weight up to shoulder and repeat 100 times

I knew this task was coming and thought I might use it as a catalyst to start attending the gym again. I am currently regretting that decision.

I hit the elliptical first to get a little warm up and then moved my way to this machine that does the same thing as my instructions but without having to go over to the weights. I have a personal awkwardness at the weights and refuse to go over to that area unless it is entirely empty in the gym. I stick to the rookie machines to save face.

I started doing arm curls at 25 lbs on the machine but after the first 25 I realized I was going to rip my muscles apart like shredded wheat and took it down to 15. My arms started to loose strength and I was struggling pretty quickly. Just then a huge dude sits down directly across from me at another station. It involved a bar and pulling something but all I saw was the fact that he was pulling about 70% of the available weight on the machine. I looked at the 2 piddly weight bars I had and felt like a loser. I finished 50 reps on each arm and walked away with my noodle arms flapping in the wind.

I am definitely going to the gym more often.

That is all,

Newt

Urinalympics

I have a confession to make. I visibly light up every time I go to the urinal at work. You see, there is a button in the urinal that has been there for about a week. I guess it feel off of someones pants or shirt, I don't really know. But, the reason I light up is specifically because every time I see that button, I know I will get to play a game I like to call...

Button Pee Shooting

The rules are these: While standing at the urinal, begin peeing directly on the button and with your stream, force the button to the back of the urinal. Then, slow down your stream enough to hold it there and see how long you can force the button to spin. Extra points are given if you can push the button past the red urinal guard and onto the porcelain. If you can shoot it up the back of the urinal, you get even more points.

I love this game. I will get at least two shots at this a day from the amount of water I take in. The best is when you slow down your stream just so and then rare back with your butt and thrust your groin forward while pushing as much pee out as you can. By doing this you can really get some air on the button and make it shoot up the sides of the urinal.

Be warned, this is an art and beginners should not attempt the Super Soaker move without a trained professional to spot you. I am hoping to move up in class by attempting a running Super Soaker.

That is all,

Newt

My nipples hurt and my fly is undone

Diana left town and, per usual, I went and entertained myself. I took in "The Hangover" at the local mall and before doing so, I ran to the gym and hit the elliptical for 45 minutes. I have been going for 7 days straight and today was one of the days where I needed a new work out shirt. All of my other ones were dirty so I had to wear a regular T-shirt.

Note to self. Don't wear a Buck-ees T-shirt to the gym. Your nipples will fall off.

My titties are stinging. I have seen where runners band aid their nips before a marathon because the rubbing will chafe but I haven't ever had an issue before...until yesterday. All throughout I kept doing that thing where you pull on the cloth right above your nipple to try to stop friction but instead all it does is make you look like Madonna circa 1985 with a taut shirt that then falls back and keeps on rubbing. By the time I got done I almost cried.

I came home and changed and headed to grab some dinner at Chipotle', a franchise build your own burrito place, and as I was walking to my table I saw these two high school girls continually looking at me. At first I thought they were looking at something else but it was apparent after a while and they just kept giggling and smiling. I thought maybe, just maybe, my workout made me look hot or something and was feeling pretty good until I sat down at my table and dug in. I dropped a bit of rice out of my burrito and it landed on my lap where, low and behold, my fly was down. You know that sound when you let the air out of a balloon and it just goes flying around? My head did that.

None the less, afterward I went and saw "The Hangover" which is a solid renter if you don't go to the theatre. It is very funny and extremely dirty so be warned. I was not ready to come home at 9:30 pm so I decided to run to Kinko's for a book thing and then head to the $1 movie theatre that is a mile from the mall and see what they had playing.

I love this theatre because not only does it remind me of my childhood, the seats are from 1982 so that may be why, but it has an arcade that contains both a Ms. Pac-Man machine and a Simpsons Arcade machine. I loved both of these games and as creepy as it sounds, I occasionally stop there on the way home from work and play a dollar.

So, I went and watched "I Love You, Man" for the second time and had a blast. See this movie at some point in your life. It is too freaking funny.

That is all,

Newt

Fresh Man 15

I got on the scale this morning and discovered that I had lost another 5 lbs. I was really surprised due to my lack of self control last week. I have put myself on a 1200 calorie a day diet for the past month and last week, I only kept to that count once. So low and behold, I have lost a total of 15 lbs so far on my journey to sexiness.

It is an amazing feeling to loose 15 lbs. Not so much in that I can tell just by looking but also due to the fact that 15 lbs is a lot of weight. Think about what weights 15 lbs.

1. a 6th month old baby
2. my dog
3. a 15 lb bowling ball (Have you ever tried bowling with one of those things? Makes my wrist hurt just thinking about it.)
4. two human heads(thanks Jonathan Lipnicki)
5. This guys fish. Nice catch by the way ->

So I am pretty proud of myself. I mean, ask that kid if he knows how it feels to carry around 15 lbs and he might just say "It makes your hands smell like tuna" and he would be right.

That is all,

Newt

Left, Right, Pass

Well, I'm that guy. I didn't think I would be but I found out something about myself that I didn't know... I fart while working out. Not just a slight whisper poooot, no I let real farts as I am going at it on an elliptical. I feel a slight bubble about to burst and I look at the timer on my machine and there is no way I am holding that air biscuit for half an hour.

While I am not sure if I am the first, I did come up with a system for letting these out. Not your ordinary cough/fart or your sneeze/toot. Instead, I take a look left, a look right and if I get have the all clear, the pass.

I have posted before about the beauty of my gym having TVs on all of the machines. As such, most people wear ear phones when they work out. So I look left; check, the girl in the yellow running shirt has plugs, I check right; dude who does backwards motion training is tapped, and Pass.

However, the smell I can't do anything about.

That is all,

Newt

Television: the new exercise equipment

Well, I hit a wall today at the gym. I have successfully gone to the gym 5 of the last 7 days and have spent 30 minutes on the gym each day. I have accomplished this miracle due to the fact that there is a little TV on every machine and I can watch a half hour and forget that my fat butt is really sweating and thrusting my legs forward at an alarming rate.

So today I went in and, because Monday is one of the busiest days to work out, every machine with a TV was taken. So I found an open elliptical and started my workout. I made it 5 minutes. It wasn't that I was tired, it was that I was to worried about the time. I was bored. I had to stop and wait for a machine to open up.

I went and worked on some arm strengthening to kill time. I finally found an open TV and even then I only made it 15 minutes. In my defence, the last guy that was on there didn't wipe the machine down and it looked like he had peed all over it. It had an aroma of B.O. that I just couldn't stand. Well, that's my gym rant. This is what happens when I actually try to work out.

That is all,

Newt

My name is GYM

Well, I am officially a member of a GYM!?! I decided a few weeks ago that it is probably time to do something about my weight. I look at fat people and think, "How did they let themselves get so big?" and then dig back in to my Whataburger bag.

I know that I am over the weight I need to be at so I joined a gym near our house. I went today for the first time and took advantage of one of the selling points of the gym. They have personal TVs on all of their elliptical and treadmills. I was able to do 30 minutes on an elliptical which is the longest I have every stayed on one of those Iron Maidens.

I plan on sticking with this for a while to get back down to my sexy weight of 195-200. Mainly, I just want my body to stop looking like I ate a box of Lime Jello. I even went and bought workout shorts. Their silver.

That is all,

Newt

Dancing away the weight

So, I am now on a workout and diet plan. You are probably asking yourself, "Why would an Adonis such as Newt need a diet and workout plan. He is in such good shape and I wouldn't recommend he loose a pound." Well, Thank you for that but I weighed myself and came up about 25 pounds over my comfort weight and have decided to take a serious try at loosing that. So, I began Sunday with my DDR diet and workout.

What is DDR? Well, for all of you unhip people, it is the new craze Dance Dance Revolution. Now, I stumbled across the dancing addiction by chance. Diana and I were at her friends in L.A. and they had the Mario version. Well, I played and noticed how much fun I was missing out on, so as soon as we got home I went to my friend ebay and found me a copy and some dance pads.

I have now put myself on a slight rationing system where I eat a little bit healthier and a little bit less. Added to that, I do at least 30 minutes of Mario Dance Dance Revolution a night. It has a calorie counter on it so I can monitor how much I have burned off. This way, I am loosing calories, playing Nintendo, and dancing. And, just like any other game, I do not notice how long I am playing which makes working out all the more fun.

So, I suppose if I have a dramatic decrease in weight, I will let you all know. Otherwise, I hope I can at least drop a couple of pounds and maybe gain some rhythm in the process.

That is all,

Newt