Friday, March 31, 2006

War, What is it good for?

I read this today and had to post it because I think, in general, it is an awesome commentary on war and the devastation it can cause.

…”He came slightly unstuck in time, saw the late movie backwards, then forwards again. It was a movie about American bombers in the Second World War and the gallant men who flew them. Seen backwards by Billy, the story went like this:
American planes, full of holes and wounded me and corpses took off backwards from an airfield in England. Over France, a few German fighter planes flew at them backwards, sucked bullets and shell fragments from some of the planes and crewmen. Then did the same for wrecked American bombers on the ground, and those planes flew up backwards to join the formation.
The formation flew backwards over a German city that was in flames. The bombers opened their bomb bay doors, exerted a miraculous magnetism which shrunk the fires, gathered them into cylindrical steel containers, and lifted the containers into the bellies of the planes. The containers were stored neatly in racks. The Germans below had miraculous devices of their own, which were long steel tubes. They used them to suck more fragments from the crewmen and planes. But there were still a few wounded Americans, though, and some of the bombers were in bad repair. Over France, though, German fighters came up again, made everything and everybody as good as new.
When the bombers got back to their base, the steel cylinders were taken from the racks and shipped to the United States of America, where factories were operating night and day, dismantling the cylinders, separating the dangerous contents into minerals. Touchingly, it was mainly women who did this work. The minerals were then shipped to specialists in remote areas. It was their business to put them into the ground, to hide them cleverly, so they would never hurt anybody ever again.
The American fliers turned in their uniforms and became high school kids. And Hitler turned into a baby.”
- Kurt Vonnegut - Slaughterhouse-Five

Sofa King We Todd Did

I was lying in bed last week trying to go to sleep, but a question kept bugging me so I offer it to you for your input. If a mentally challenged person is called retarded then that implies that a person is tarded to begin with. What the hell does being tarded mean? Am I at this moment in time tarded? In definitive terms, retarded means to slow. But that would mean that a tarded person would be kinda slow and then a retarded person would be really slow because he was slowed doubly. So, I will give everyone an easy shot by asking the question, "Am I a Tard?" Let the games begin.

That is all,


Wednesday, March 29, 2006


I need to admit something to my audience. Last night, I teared up a little bit when Carla and Turk told everyone that they were having a baby on Scrubs. I admit that I am a girly man. I also cried when Ashley Parker Angel used his new born baby to propose. And I don't care. You can all laugh at me if you want, but if I know some of you like I think I do, you probably teared up a little too. So Diana, you can just stop making fun of me! I admit it to the world. I am a crybaby.

That is all,


Def: HeteroLifeMate

It seems that my HLM and I are constantly coming in contact with people that don’t know what a HeteroLifeMate is. Thus I present to you the definition.

HeteroLifeMate (n.)

Originally termed by Jay and Silent Bob, a HeteroLifeMate is a person that is of constant contact with you and knows you quite thoroughly. They are adept to your personality and can call bullshit on you at least 85% of the time. This person is usually labeled as a best friend, which is a falsity. They are beyond that title. Most HLM’s have the ability to make you laugh using eye contact. They are also in possession of multiple instances of embarrassment that you have perpetrated. Common signs of HeteroLifeMate-ism are as follows. Saying “Remember when we…”, shaking your head in disdain when one HLM says something to the other, long running nicknames, and expectations that “If you were gay, you would be with that person.”

I have been in possession of my HLM for 14 years. Everyone should be so lucky to have one.

So the next time someone asks you what a HeteroLifeMate is, just tell them to look it up.

That is all,


Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Snap Into It!

So today’s topic will be one that everybody will have a little fun with. We all do it, especially when no one is looking. So today’s topic will be one that everybody will have a little fun with. It is the Wrestler Voice. Now the first thing that should come to your mind is Macho Man Randy Savage’s lovely rasp but have you ever thought about how many different wrestling individuals are “blessed” with this vocal power. Hulk Hogan, Vince McMann, and so many other guys that jump into the ring all have the same way of speaking.

I think there must be a school that holds class for just this topic. Imagine if you will, all of the electric spandex and bandana clad warriors sitting down at tiny desks, all practicing this unsung art. Did Jake The Snake actually have an Alto voice before graduating? Does the Hulkster actually smoke two packs a day to keep his ability or is it something practiced?

I don’t know Brother, but I have my own theory. It’s the Slim Jims. Back in 1985, the Macho Man snapped into one to many of those tasty sausage treats and that snapping caused a vibration that snapped all of the vocal cords of modern day wrestlers. Now, every time someone snaps into a Slim Jim, a wrestler gets his voice.



Monday, March 27, 2006

Cotto Tea

We got home last night from Lubbock, TX, the mecca of Texas and had to wait around a little while for my cousin Kristy to bring my dogs home. While we waited, I poured us a couple of glasses of Iced Tea that I had made a few days ago and we sat down to watch some TV we had taped. I only tell you this because I need you to know that last night I drank Iced Tea.

Why is this important? This morning I was eating breakfast and decided to clean up the kitchen a little bit. We drank all of the tea last night so I had left it out overnight and wanted to rinse it out. I lifted the lid and looked inside of it and what did I find? Well, you know how when you eat Salami and you have to pull that ring of skin off of the edge because it’s like plastic or something? I always pull those off when I make a sandwich and throw it away. A couple of days ago, I was in a hurry and didn’t have a bag in the trash so I threw the two meat rings in the empty tea pitcher.

Since I was working a 2 a.m. shift last Friday, I made tea by boiling water in a cup and pouring the tea into the pitcher and filled it up. All without looking into the pitcher! By now you have figured out that the tea we drank last night had a special flavor to it. Diana, I didn’t want to tell you this when I found out because I was afraid you might hit me so if you are reading this, I’m sorry. But at least you didn’t finish your drink last night.



Friday, March 24, 2006

I Remember When...

I am now one of those people who say, “I remember when…” You know what I mean? Like, I remember when there were actual prizes in cereal boxes. It was the whole draw of having a damn prize in the box. And yes I did try to get all four of the little figurines so I would have all of the Oliver and Company toys.

Now, if you’re lucky enough to find a prize at all, it is a stupid temporary tattoo of Ice Age or some crap. How many little kids ate the toy? I mean, how stupid to you have to be to pour a large whistle into a bowl of cereal, pour milk on it, and then spoon a plastic red whistle into your mouth? Now that lawyers have taken over the world, everyone has to worry about liability, lawsuits, wrongful death. Screw you, LAW. I want my prizes back.

Every Cracker Jack, cereal box, and kids meal is limited by what they can put in their packaging on the basis that if a kid swallows it, they better be able to pass it. I am now living in the age of “collect four box tops to send away for the newest bean bag toy” and I hate it. Stop taking all of the fun out of being a kid. Bring back cereal boxes with a Ninja Turtle bowl or a Batman bank attached. I really just feel sorry for the kids to day because “I remember when…”

That is all,


Thursday, March 23, 2006

Technology Warning

The more I think about it, the more I have decided that Technology sucks. I am not trying to argue that it hasn't made life a much better thing, but at the same time have we given up too much for the perks? On a daily basis, how many times do we check our email? How many people have a cell phone? Is America not getting enough exercise because we are too busy watching TV or playing on the computer?

I absolutely love that due to advances in technology, we have better medical equipment, music, entertainment and transportation. At the same time, how much time is spent communicating through circuits instead of voices. Right now, I am using this medium to complain about it. No, the irony is not lost on me. I just think that in a day and age where identity theft, computer terrorism, and texting are some of our top priorities is an age that I despise.

Movies suck now. Is that technology's fault, Hell Yes! Computer designers have made so many advancements in movie making, and yet we can't get more than five to ten decent movies out of a year. Why, because movie makers don't put enough time into a script because they think that if they just put in those awesome special effects, they will have a good movie. Case in point: Star Wars Episodes I, II, & III. Not to mention that with the amount of movie piracy, they just don't try as hard anymore.

Looking back at the middle of the 1900s, I know that there were so many hidden wrongs. But with the "advancements" that we have today, we opened our selves up to risk and danger. Wally Cleaver never had to worry that he would get a virus if he went to the wrong website. The only virus he was getting was from Eddie Haskell, I never knew about those two.

I heard a quote on a show yesterday that seems fitting. A guy was talking about internet predators and said, "Back in my day you didn't have these problems, you knew who was a predator because they would pull up and ask you to help them look for their lost puppy!" And it's true. Now kids are getting into trouble because sick people who have always existed have a way to fulfill their fantasies.

Do I really want to go back to a time when I couldn't spend and hour playing Dance Dance Revolution and simultaneously calling anyone for free as long as they are in the Cingular family? Maybe. Because when I remember MY childhood, I think it was simpler. I had 8-bit graphics and pagers and somehow it just seems safer. Of course, I will check this site to see if anyone comments on this blog, because I feel like I have to, and that's why technology sucks!

That is all,


Things I want to do before I die

Skydive- It will probably be the closest thing to flying that I will ever be able to do

Read an original copy of Amazing Spiderman #1 or Amazing Fantasy #15

Write a book – I don’t know if it will ever happen, and if it does I don’t know that anyone would read it.

Create a national catch phrase – I tried this once and Thomas didn’t like it. Remember that Jackie?

Get married and stay married – The getting married is easy it’s the staying married that will be the challenge

Have a child that I can mold into a tiny version of me

Write a song – Again, I have tried to do this but it has always fizzled out

Pick the guitar up again – goes hand in hand with the last one

And many more that will of course manifest themselves as I age

That is all,


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Misadventures of Hazel and Duncan - The Pantry Incident

So I came home yesterday after skipping the lunch time visit, which is never a good idea, and found what could only be described as a crime scene in my living room. Imagine if you will. Two dogs, a Norfolk Terrier and a Welsh Corgi, both of questionable lineage are sitting around in a well decorated apartment. Hazel, the terrier, starts to get bored as she is always inclined to do. I imagine the rest of the story goes like this.

"Hey Duncan, I was just in the kitchen and noticed that Mom and Dad didn't shut the pantry door the whole way."
"Really, did you open it? Because I don't think you should get in there."
"Hells Yes, I opened it. Come check this stuff out."

As Duncan comes into the kitchen, Hazel has stuck her head into the pantry.
"Check this out. I found those Piss Pads the old man bought when he thought he could stop me from popping a squat in the dining room. Lets tear them apart."

As British slapstick music begins to play, Duncan and Hazel begin to demolish a few pee pads and the baking soda that is inside of them explodes out onto the rug.
"Gee Hazel, this stuff tastes horrible. I need to wash out my mouth."

As Duncan goes to the water bowl he hears Hazel bark, "Bones." By the time Duncan can turn around, Hazel has stood up on her back legs and pulled an entire box of Weight Control dog biscuits down from the first shelf of the pantry.

"If you want to get rid of that taste, you should have some of these D."
"Well, Don't mind if I do."

The rest of the day is spent lying in the doggie beds and casually munching down treats. Having looked at the pee pads again, Hazel gets an idea.

"Hey D, check this out. We're going to be in sooooo much trouble as it is, I figure now is the perfect time to leave "Daddy" a little present."

Hazel stops and leaves one tiny little log by the fire place for Dad to find. Duncan rolls over in bed to see her gift as he casually flops another biscuit into his snout. They both giggle nervously as they await 5 o'clock and the return of Trinity.

"Worth it?"

Monday, March 20, 2006

V for Vendetta

"People should not be afraid of their Governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."

As I know many of my loyal readers are probably looking for some advice on what movies are worth their bucks, I present to you the first of many to come movie review. These will be about movies that are out in theatres, not on video or I guess DVD now. When did that switch? Anyway, this weekend I went and saw the movie V for Vendetta.

This movie is about a masked revolutionary ie terrorist who lives in what actually could be London if certain events were to happen. The London of the movie is more like George Orwell's 1984 in that Big Brother is watching. London is controlled by a Chancellor that has taken totalitarianism to a new level. V, the hero of the movie, is out to show the people of London that they have given up their freedom in the name of safety and he plans on getting it back.

Along the way, V encounters Evey(Natalie Portman) and through her eyes we see the way the world is and how it should be. Of course, there are people looking for V all throughout the movie and we see a glimpse into why V does what he does. This is not only a film that gets your blood pumping with action, it makes you think. Plus Natalie Portman is HOT, even with a shaved head, and that just makes it better.

I give this movie and A. It could have been a little more like the original story that it is based on, but as a film it is well worth whatever you have to spend to see it. It has some mild humor and a little blood but it is all done in context and I didn't feel like anything was overdone. SO, shut down the computer your reading this on and get in your car and go see it.

Freedom! Forever!


Saturday, March 18, 2006

What's Your Sexuality?

Last night our friends, Dan and Dustin, decided they wanted to go eat at the Magic Time Machine. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a restaurant that has a series of rooms that are all decorated in different and strange ways. The waiters are all dressed up like famous characters, mostly cartoon characters. I have been there once before and we had Malibu Barbie as our waitress.

Last night we ended up with Dennis the Menace as our waiter and he was extremely funny. Anyway, last night we were sitting in our Tiki booth and Dan made eye contact with Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz. She saw him and decided to come over to the table. She loudly said, "I saw you looking at me." Dan, being the flamboyant girl that he is, said in the most sensuous voice that he could, "Oh, Really." This prompted her to say, as loudly as she could, "Are You GAY?"

After telling her that he was, she proceeded to tell him that there was another gay guy down at another table and wanted him to come with her to meet him. It took some persuading but she finally accepted that Dan
had a boyfriend and told us that "I have a boyfriend too and it’s a pain.” You hear that Dorothy's boyfriend, you are a pain.

We had to tell Dennis and it blew his mind. Throughout the evening it was revealed to us that Dorothy was a product of the Kansas Public School System and all that time on the farm had placed her as an 18 year old sophomore. It was also revealed that she told the other gay guy that Dan existed. He apparently wasn’t as surprised by his existence as Dorothy was.

What’s the best part of the story? She is a chronic gay questioner. She asked another man at a table and darn it, he wasn’t Gay. She got sent home and, no, she didn’t leave on a tornado. Apparently, the Magic Time Machine went back and grabbed a bumpkin from a time where gay people were a novelty.

That is all,


Friday, March 17, 2006

Risky Business

So we have a couple of friends in town (Dan and Dustin) and yesterday I came home and they had set up the Lord of the Rings Risk game. Now this game is a variation of the Original Risk and you battle Good vs. Evil. The Good side can win by getting the ring to Mount Doom.

So we started playing last night around six and, though we did take a break to go to dinner, the three of us finished the game around 11. How did the game end you ask? Well I won. But that is only because we kept going back and forth taking territories over and over again and the ring finally made it to the Mountain. The moral of the story? If you can hold out long enough, you can win without trying. I knew those teachers were wrong about trying.

That is all,


Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Indian Shmindian

I was talking with some people last week at work and got on the topic of old children's shows. Naturally we started talking about School House Rock and then I mentioned a commercial I used to see during Saturday Morning Cartoons. This lead to a discussion about commercials and leads me to what I want to ask.

Where the Hell did the Indian go?

Does anybody know what I'm talking about. He was that Native American that gets hit with a coffee cup or burger wrapper so something and then starts to cry. He was trying to tell us that it was wrong to litter, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if that was really the way to go. I mean, not to be insensitive or anything, but if that guy starts crying over a Whopper baggy, then it's no wonder that they lost all of their land to Whitey. I always thought Indians were bad asses.

Also, is that guy a hobo? He just walks the roads, crying his eyes out over trash. Maybe he was crazy. Those people probably weren't littering, they were just giving him their leftovers without stopping. So if any of my loyal readers happen to see the wandering Cherokee on the side of the road, I have one little piece of advice for you: Call the police, the guy is clearly crazy, or at least depressed, if he is still walking the roads after all of these years, crying his eyes out at the trash.

That is all,


Oatmeal Cream High

My mother is an instigator. You see, last weekend while I was in Midland, or Shangri-la as I like to call it, my mother bought me Little Debbie's Oatmeal Cream Pies. I haven't had one of these lovely, tasty, orgasmic little snacks in quite a while and now that I partook in one I just can't stop.

What is in that cream? How did they mass produce pleasure and make it into a creamy white substance? Wait, that came out wrong. Why is it that when it hits my tongue I just want more and more? Oh, Debbie! Why did you make them so small? I have had two already today and I want another. My will power is holding out for now, but I can only lick the wrapper for so long and I will have to break into my desk stash for another. If I can hold out until 5, I just may make it...Nope, I didn't make it.

Debbie, why do you plague me with your sweets? I just can't stop. You are just like all the other women in the world. You look so wholesome but underneath I know that there's a Little Devil under that bonnet.

That is all,


Monday, March 13, 2006

The Rock and The Rabbi

Last night, Diana and I went to see an interesting play called The Rock and The Rabbi. Below is a synopsis.

The Rock & The Rabbi is the new musical based on the life of Peter the fisherman and Jesus of Nazareth. A contemporary treatment of the Biblical story, The Rock & The Rabbi is a combination of storytelling and acoustic music. Intimate and emotional, funny and thrilling, the show tells the classic tale of friendship and betrayal, forgiveness and reconciliation.

The most interesting thing about the play wasn't necessarily the subject matter, and being the heathen that I am I knew nothing about Peter and Jesus. The most interesting part was the musical aspect. The story is told by a narrator that acts as the voice of Simon aka Peter aka The Rock. And No, I couldn't smell what the Rock was cookin', but if I could it most likely would have been fish as he was a fisherman in his original profession.

The narrator takes you along the story of how Peter met the Rabbi(Jesus) and followed him up until his death. As the story progresses, music is used to tell certain parts of the story. I have never seen as many musicians on such a small stage. The band included two acoustic guitars, a bass, two percussionist that played everything from the chimes to morracas, a violinist, a bongo player, a gong, an accordian, and at one point they even threw in bagpipes. They also used a washboard, drums, and a few musical instruments that I had never seen.

All in all, it was an extremely entertaining evening. I learned a little bit about the origins of some of the Bible stories I've heard and found out that, at least for the extent of the show, Jesus was a large Black Man. Who knew?



Sunday, March 12, 2006

Joseph, Eat your heart out

Here's a fun story. On Friday, I came home to find that my dogs, though I am sure the instigator was Hazel, had found a stash of Sweettart Easter candies that I had forgotten I had left in the magazine holder. The bag to said candies was torn to bits and lying all over the house. The candies themselves were missing. I did however find the remnants of them in a large pile of vomit that was deposited into the dog's bed.

Who ate the candies you ask? Well, thanks to the marvels of modern digestion, the culprit was revealed to me this afternoon on a potty outing. Hazel, the criminal mastermind that she is, forgot that all of that pastel goodness has a funny effect on the nightly deposit. This afternoon, I got my confirmation in the form of what I am sure will become a new musical. Hazel and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamsquirts!

Imagine the possibilities.

That is all,


Saturday, March 11, 2006

The Midnight Golfer

Interesting story. Last night Diana and I were driving to Midland and stopped to let the dogs go to the bathroom at a rural gas station. It was an Allsups if that helps any of you. So anyway, we were walking the dogs and a older man in a pick up truck pulled up and got out. I wasn't paying any attention to him, but he casually said Hello to Diana and mentioned something about the dogs and going to the bathroom.

We got to the end of the grassy area and that's when we saw it. The Midnight Golfer. The man pulled a chipping wedge, that's a golf club for you non-golfers, and began to swing at the grass. That's right, we were standing in a rural area, in the dark of night with an guy chipping imaginary golf balls into the night.

I wasn't really sure what to do, but he deposited the club in the back of his truck and walked into the Allsups. It was the last we ever saw of that dedicated chipper. I can only imagine that he is, right now, swinging his heart out at a gas station somewhere in America.



Shiner 96

I have had a miracle occur this weekend. I am in Midland, as of this post, and my mother, the saint that she is, found me a beer that I had thought was all gone. Apparently Albertson's has such a strange beer section that it for some reason is selling the seasonal beer, Shiner 96. They are selling it in single bottles and I can only guess that this is something they don't normally do. I finally got to taste the deliciousness of the Marzen-style ale that was Shiner 96.

After looking all around Dallas, I assumed that I would never get to taste the time sensitive ale, and yet my mom pulled it through. God bless Albertson's for being so crappy that they haven't sold beer that was pulled from the shelves three month's ago. I guess before I leave town, I will need to go by there and stock up.

That is all,


Friday, March 10, 2006


My friend Teri sent these to me and I just thought I would pass them along.

Why do we press harder on a remote control> when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still> apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Hope these brought you to thinking. Everyone say it, "Thanks Teri."

That is all,


Thursday, March 09, 2006

I'm not "blank" but...

You know who I think is one of the stupidest people on the planet? No not Thomas, It's anyone who says "I'm not "blank" but... and then proceeds to give an example as to how much they really are. Let me explain.

Here is a common one. "I'm not racist but I just don't like black people." News flash. That's racism buddy. It usually gets worse because after they have said such a stupid comment, they then have to try to give reasons for why how they feel isn't racism. Like
"Well you just can't trust them" or " They're just lazy, that's all."

While I hear it more towards skin color, I was just in the car with the guy the other day and he told me that a restaurant that he liked to go to had turned gay. That the gays had taken it over. Then he said, and I quote, "It's not that I'm gayaphobic or anything. They're lovely people, I just don't want to hang around them." I bit my tongue on this, but really I just wanted to say, "If you sit next to them in a restaurant you won't catch gay. I mean your not going to be sitting over your veil Parmesan and suddenly go "I really want a penis."

Why can't people just come out and say how they feel. So in that respect, I am going to say what I think.

I love gay people. They are fun and engaging and I could care less what they put where. I have two friends who are gay. Notice I didn't say I have two gay friends? Well that's because it doesn't matter.

I am slightly afraid of black men. Why? How the hell should I know. Mostly because I don't know to many black people and I am fairly sure that they could easily beat the living crap out of me. Am I racist? Maybe. Not anywhere near to the extent that some people are, but I guess I do have a little racial tension. But it doesn't make me a bad person, I'm just not perfect.

So the next time you hear someone other than your boss say that all encompassing phrase of stupidity, call BULLSHIT on them. It might just make the world a little bit saner.

That is all,


Where's a sponge when you need one?

So I'm walking into the office at work today with a UPS rep and what do I see but a huge puddle of water coming from the men's bathroom. Faster than you can say "Look at all that water", I ran into the bathroom to see where the hell it was coming from. The flap to the tank just didn't feel like closing when the last guy flushed and water was pouring out of the bowl.

After getting the water to stop running, it turned into chaos. People were running around, the maintenance guys showed up, I ran and got a shop vac and so did the maintenance guy. Have you ever tried to tell a guy who doesn't speak that much English that the water won't shut off? It's not easy, let me tell you.

So just like my hero Mario, I went to work getting all of the water up. Now why is this a problem you ask. You see our building is a P.O.S. and was hastily put together. The walls were constructed to make rooms. So as soon as the water hit the edge of the wall, it just kept going. Every office anywhere near the flood was getting water under the walls. We were running around trying to make sure that the electricity wasn't coming into contact with anything.

The moral of the story is really to check and make sure the water stops after you flush. It only took ten minutes of the water running to cause a cleanup effort of an hour. I'm just glad there wasn't any "residue."

That is all,


Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The Great Equalizer

I was driving away from the main building of my work today and what did I see but four of the guys I work with sitting outside smoking. All of these men work in the same building, yet knowing them as I do, they are all completely different kinds of people. This got me to thinking and I realized that if smoking is ever outlawed, we will have more predjudices than ever.

Think about the different personalities that are somehow always brought together by tobacco. Two people who would never have anything in common but are both smokers can always find something to talk about... at least if they are on a smoke break.

Imagine if you will...
A homeless guy and a millionaire are standing on a corner. One is waiting for his chauffeur, the other for the bus. The homeless guy sees the millionaire pull out a pack of Marlboro's and asks if he can bum one(no pun intended). Now I don't know many people, especially millionaires that would say no. Will they begin a conversation? Maybe not, but as they both smoke their cigarettes they will be connected.

I hate smoking, lets just get that straight. But if we can find unity by lighting up a cancer stick, then maybe there is a redeeming quality to every Camel, Marlboro and Kool that is lit up.

That is all,


Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Miss Scarlett, In Tara, with the hammer

Well I finally did it. After weeks of persistent hinting, I sat down this weekend and watched Gone With The Wind for the first time. I have to say that I went into it with a jaundiced eye. Now don't think I don't have an appreciation for the classics. I love old movies and own quite a few. But the story of a semi-racist southerner who is spoiled and greedy set during the Civil War was something I just had a hard time sitting down to. I have tried to watch this once before and literally fell asleep during the first scene.

Given all of that, I loved it. Not only is it have one of the most quoted lines in the world, it was generally enjoyable. Not many movies can have two of the most unlikeable characters and for some reason you still walk away loving them both.

One thing I did learn after watching the film was that this is the Dumb and Dumber of female cinema. As soon as you mention to any woman that you watched it, they will regale you with their favorite quote, and they all have one. If you ever need to ditch a couple of women for a little while, just yell out "Gone With the Wind" and run. They will keep themselves busy for a long time.

I highly recommend that anyone who hasn't seen it, take about 4 hours(the length of the movie) and make it a date. But if you don't, "Well frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" Oh come on, you knew I was gonna say it.

That is all,


Monday, March 06, 2006

Tariffs should be increased

In the recent months winter has come upon us, and with it has been an increase in trafficking. From October all the way into March, there has been a recent rash of crimes. What is this spike in crime you ask? Well it is the crime of SMUGGLING TIC-TACS. This recent epidemic has hit both in women and men. Look around you and you will see it, blatantly out in the open.

The real question is why only take two? Is this double smuggle a new fad, to store just two of these little mints in your shirt. Does this somehow cause warmth? This is what is known as a victimless crime, and yet I have to say that the "rising" amount of incidents is alarming.

I know that our government will soon find out about this "tit"illating wave of smugglings and will soon do what any red blooded American would do... Tax them.

That is all,


Fulfilling a dream

Good news everyone. Today I finally fulfilled a lifelong dream, and No Mom, I didn't meet Big Bird, though that would have been sweet. After years of consideration, I bought a Mini-Fridge. That's right, that tiny receptical of miniture refridgeration is now MINE. For years I have pined away for a tiny cooling unit of my own. I got a really good deal on it and now my new office (eat your hearts out) has its own refridgerator and will soon have its own microwave. No longer will I have to get up and walk to the breakroom to get a snack. No, now I will just have to rotate my chair a mere 37 degrees and a cool treat will be at hand. Glory thy name is Igloo. Now that is the American Dream.

That is all,


Sunday, March 05, 2006


Hello all, I want to speak to you today about a subject near and dear to my heart: patriotism. I went to Wal-Mart on Friday around 9 p.m. and saw that great American symbol of Freedom, The Flag. Now where did you see this flag? You ask. It was perched in all its glory on the bandana of a fine American who could have easily passed as Ted Nugent's twin. I applaud you, oh sleeveless soldier of symbolism. You have shown me that our nations symbol is more than just a piece of cloth, it is also a hairpiece.

No longer will I just sit by and hang my flag from a pole, or in my case on my wall in my room. I say the nay. Rise up my brothers and sisters. Pull back that silver pony tail, hike up those snakeskin boots, for we are Americans and we should be damn proud of it. Think not of it as a flag, but also as an accessory!

American Hero!

That is all,


Friday, March 03, 2006

Have you ever?

Question: Have you ever gone into a bathroom to wash your hands and the water makes you have to pee? Then you go pee(cause why not, the toilet is right there) and you think "Should I rewash my hands?" Its a question for the ages, I realize, but which way do you go. Most likely, you didn't completely dry your hands to begin with. If that's the case then a thin layer of antibacterial water is shielding you from any real danger. Yet on the other, you just touched your tallywacker and if I learned anything from the first few years of my life, it was not to touch your tallywacker and then touch something else. Strict No No.

I really don't have a point of this, other than if you shake my hand after I have gone to the bathroom and its a little moist, you might not want to assume I washed my hands after I went to the bathroom.

That is all,


Thursday, March 02, 2006

Passions. No, not the soap opera.

Hello All,

When I first started blogging, I intended to do this blog as a way to get people thinking. I have meant to pose the following question to anyone who reads the Lily Pad, but as random thoughts popped into my head, I kept putting it to the side. But now, my mental diarrhea has taken some Imodium and I see fit to ask you now, "What are you passionate about?" I know this seems a silly question, but have you ever really given it too much thought. I would like anyone reading this to mull it over and post your response in the comments page. 5 things, that's all I want to know. I, of course have given this a large amount of thought and I will present my list to you.

1. The love of my life, Diana. I'm not sure if she is a better person for knowing me, but I am a better person for knowing her.
2. My passion for comic books, which comes in a close second. I know without them, my life would not be anything like what it is today.
3. My children, Duncan & Hazel. They're of the 4 legged kind.
4. Literature. Without books, I don't think life would make half as much sense as it does, and even now it doesn't make that much sense.
5. Friendship. Because I hand out so few of them, that the ones I do have are priceless.

Now, there are tons of things I care about. Family, music, and food are just a few extra things that come to mind. But a lot of my family are also my friends, in one way or another. Music and food are necessities to life, and thus passion is limited to the things a person can not live without. When my obituary is read, I wouldn't want anyone to be thinking that I spent all my time at work or doing something I didn't love. I want to be remembered by the things I listed above. So I ask you in all seriousness, "What are you Passionate about?"

That is all,