Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Before I left work today, I got told that a few people I work with were let go this afternoon. I actually work closely with two of the people laid off and was very surprised to hear about it. I have never been fired(I don't count the time I broke the Taco Villa sign) so when I heard about this it really shocked me.

You know that feeling you get when you just barely avoid a car accident or you are sitting in class and the teacher picks the guy next to you to answer a question you didn't know the answer to? That's the feeling I have. I almost feel like it could have been me or something.

It is very strange to have people that you just talked to all of a sudden no longer have a job. Plus, I didn't learn about it until it already happened which made it even more unbelievable. I guess I am lucky, or at least luckier than the people who got canned today.

That is all,


Monday, October 30, 2006

Oh, Oh, Oh, it’s Magic..

Diana, Erin and I went to see a local radio DJ/Comedian on Saturday at a restaurant called Dave and Busters named Dean Lewis. As part of his stand up he likes to do a couple of magic tricks. One of his tricks was as follows.

He took a clear plastic envelope and filled it with a bunch of cards with names on them. These were all his ex-girlfriends names and the cards were all folded in half. Also in the bag were three sticks of gum and a handful of copper and silver coins.

He began by taking the bag to a table and asking a girl to pull out one of the sticks of gum. She read the gum and it said it was Winterfresh. Her boyfriend then ate the piece to verify it. He then asked her to point to someone else in the audience and she pointed to a friend at her table. He asked the friend to pull another piece of gum out of the bag. She read this piece and ate it. It was Spearmint. He then asked girl #2 to point to another audience member and the girl pointed at ME!!

He came up to me and asked me to take the last piece of gum and then take a coin. I pulled the final stick and a penny. He then asked me to take one of the items and give it to another audience member. I gave the gum away. I was also asked to point to someone to have him or her pull a name out of the bag. This name was going to be ‘used’ though we didn’t know for what.

He continued walking around the back of the room and made three people pull names to verify that there were different names in the bag and he also had two guys pull coins.

Prior to this trick he had a small manila envelope that he had brought with him when he started his set. It had been on the table behind him the entire time he was on stage. He gave it to a girl in the front row at the beginning of the trick. After verifying that the names were random he asked the woman with the envelope onto the stage.

Myself and the two other guys holding coins, along with the guy who pulled the name were all standing. The guy with the name read the card he had drawn: ‘Rhonda’. The comedian then asked what coins the guys had, both were silver, as well as my copper coin. He also asked the guy I gave the gum to too open it and read what it said and then taste it. It was Juicy Fruit.
He pulled the envelope open and began to read. It was as follows:

That is all,


Friday, October 27, 2006

Phil Noto & Steven Rude

I had an interesting experience today. A couple of weeks ago I got an email saying that Steven Rude, a comic artist and writer who has written some really great stuff over the years, was going to be at Lone Star Comics in Dallas today. It was a signing that was 5-7 so I got online and ordered a few comics to get him to sign.

So, being the uber nerd that I am I took off work today at 4 to give myself enough time to get to the store and get in line early so I wouldn't be there all night. I arrived at 4:30 and no one was there. I asked one of the guys that worked there if the signing was today and he said yes. I was a little surprised that there was no one there but didn't worry to much about it because I was shooting for a sketch from Steven Rude and when there is a line, it is hard to get anything.

Then the clerk told me that they had also added Phil Noto (http://notoart.com) to the list but it was short notice. I was pissed. I didn't bring any of his stuff to get signed and wasn't happy. I did buy a Graphic Novel of his to get signed and thanks to my favorite cousin, Kristy, I got some online help that lead me to a cover of Captain Marvel Vol 5, issue 4.

The artists plane was late so they didn't actually arrive until 5:30 but even then it was only me and one other guy to meet the two of them. When they arrived I got introduced to the both of them and we actually had a small conversation. They sat at a table with some of their works on it and me and this other dude sat on the opposite side. For almost 2 hours I sat across from these two amazing artists and got to know them.

FYI, Steven Rude is a weird man. He is absolutely full of himself and at one point even said "I don't read new comics. I go back and read my old stuff because I know it is good." Phil Noto, however, is a laid back guy that was easy going and I could definitely see hanging out with.

I have never had a conversation with a comic artist and to have two of them all to myself was the ultimate. I got to hear how they got into comics and ended up with a load of stuff signed and two amazing pieces of art(only one was free). This made my day.

That is all,


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Breakdown

To finish off stories from this weekend I bring to you "The Breakdown."

My truck has been acting funny. On Sunday, Diana and I decided to go to lunch at Whataburger. As we got in the truck, I turned the key and this weird noise was made. It sounded something like a Locust in my ignition. However, the truck started.

It drove fine and we stopped for gas before heading to Whataburger. We went in and ate and lunch was just lovely. Then the trouble started. That noise that came from my truck, well it returned. I tried to start the car and every time I turned the key, a plague of Locust's started buzzing. The problem is it didn't turn over and we were stuck.

I am in no way a mechanic but to make it look like I was knowledgeable, I opened the hood and pretended to try to fix things. This involved periodically popping my head over the hood and telling Diana to turn the key. An older gentleman came up and told me that it sounded like my battery was dead and we played with the cables. He left so I did the only thing I could do. Diana and I walked to Wal-Mart and bought a new battery.

If you ever want to look White Trash, go take a walk with a battery in your arms. We got back to the car after walking three blocks and it was time to install the battery. Another little tidbit about your good buddy Newt, I only have two tools in my car; a flat head screwdriver and a monkey wrench that looks like it would be used to murder someone.

I used the wrench to get the battery cables undone and when I went to remove the battery, it wouldn't budge. At first I thought that the battery had attached itself to the casing, but upon further review it turns out that there is a block that keeps the battery in. The only wrench I had was way to big to get the nut off. We were stuck.

A guy came by and asked if we needed help and he had a toolbox. Yippee!!! Too bad none of his tools were the right size. He had a couple of wrenches that worked but they were too awkward to fit. After everything was said and done we had to walk over to the Target that is across the interstate and buy a set of wrenches.

In the end, we got the car started and I threw my arms up in celebration. The people leaving the parking lot laughed at us.

That is all,


Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I now respect Lee Ann Womack

If you read my last post (which of course you did, how could you not?) then you know I was at the Texas State Fair on Saturday. It was the last Saturday of the fair and to close it down they brought in Country Music sensation Lee Ann Womack for a free concert on the Chevy Main Stage.

Diana and I met up with a couple of friends of hers to watch the concert. I would never have paid to see this show, but as it was free I felt my time was not being wasted. I will preface this by saying that the concert was at 8:30 and it started to get both cold and windy right before she went on.

Mrs. Womack came out wearing a loose pink shirt and started singing. I started respecting her when a) I found out she is from Texas and b) she drank beer (I believe it was Shiner) in between songs. I also came to realize as she sang that she has a lot of hits under her belt.

She sang 'I May Hate Myself in the Morning', 'I Hope You Dance', 'A Little Past Little Rock', 'I'll Think of a Reason Later', and '(Now You See Me) Now You Don't'. She also sang a cover of 'You Don't Know Me' that was very good.

The wind picked up half way through the show and I expected her to give up and go in. This brings me to my second reason I now respect Lee Ann Womack. Instead of leaving, she made someone go grab her a sweater and she kept on trucking. She actually ended up singing for over an hour and it was an awesome show. If she came back I might actually throw down some money to watch her again.

This ends the Texas State Fair edition of the Lily Pad,

That is all,


Monday, October 23, 2006

My Fair Lady

I always say that I hate Fairs. I hate the high prices, the crowds, and the rigged games. Oh, and Carnies. I can't stand Carnies. They don't have teeth. It's like they can't go to the dentist because they are always traveling.

Yet Saturday, after work, Diana and I went to the State Fair of Texas. We searched out Big Tex, rode the Giant Ferris Wheel, and ate. That's right, we ate. I had a Corny Dog, some of Diana's Nachos, a Hot Dog, Funnel Cake, and Tornado Taters. Oh, and a Corn on the Cob. We also rode this tiny roller coaster that was more like something at Joyland.

They had a world famous Playing Card stacker that was building the Dallas Skyline out of cards in a glass room. You could watch him stack the cards and it was amazing. We also went on a tour of the Women's Museum and saw a History of Marilyn Monroe Exhibit. Keep in mind that this was after we had walked in the 5K that morning. My feet were killing me.

And that's not all,


Everbodys Walking for the Weekend

This was a busy weekend and for the next few posts I will tell you why.

I had to work Saturday. I went in at 5 a.m. and worked until Diana picked me up to got to the Dallas Chapter of the Susan G. Komen Walk for a Cure.

I think I may have stumbled across the best place ever to pick up women…The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer walk. I don't know the exact number but it was estimated that around 25,000 people were at Saturday's Walk and I can tell you that it was not a sausage fest. I would estimate that 90 to 90% of the people there were women.

Diana and I partook in this 5K walk and I am proud to say that I finished it in about an hour. As I was walking I could see how a single dude would clean up at this thing.

First, you have to wear pink. Women love pink...can't get enough of it. There drawn to in like moths to a flame.

Second, by doing this walk you look sensitive. Girls will assume that you a) walk for someone who has/had/died from Breast Cancer (and they love the guy they have to take care of) or b) you are sensitive to women's plight. Either way they dig it Baby!

Seriously though, it was very impressive to look directly in front of me and see a street completely packed with people. It was like a moving sea of heads. Many people had home made shirts for ones they have lost; others, just a piece of paper to say why they were there.

I was thoroughly tired by the end of it, and after breakfast I had to go back to work. Then there was...well I guess you will just have to read the next post.

That is all,


UPS Bingo

Well, Friday night I experienced something interesting. You know when UPS tries to deliver a package and you aren't home? They leave that little slip that says they attempted delivery and you can call it and tell them to hold the package at their pick-up. Well, we did the Komen Breast Cancer Walk this weekend and the shirts we were supposed to wear were being delivered by UPS. We weren't home when they were attempted delivery so Diana and I had to go to this UPS Delivery Center to get them. This is where the fun starts.

The store is only open from 8 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. When we got there, the line was very long. The doors hadn't opened yet so everyone was waiting. It felt like I was in line for concert tickets. As they opened the doors, I heard a woman yelling, "We will be calling out names and you must verify your address before picking up the package."

We all crammed into the UPS center and this little woman began looking at names on packages and screaming them out. If your name was called, you had to yell "Here" and they put your package in the line to get verified. Keep in mind that this is all done in a half hour.

People kept trickling in as we were standing there. Of course they saw the line for address verification and got into it. When Diana's name got called, she jumped in line and I stood by the door. Every time someone came in I just told them to stand to the side and wait for their name to be called.

This idiot from Best Buy's Geek Squad kept going, "Well this is great" and "What kind of system is this?". I wanted to ask him what his idea would be. Did he really want to be in a line where each person hands their slip over and a UPS person goes looking for the package? I was actually impressed with the inventiveness of the process. It was funny to see people get so excited to hear their name called.

That is all,


Friday, October 20, 2006

Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D

On Wednesday, I was at the comic book store and they had free passes to go see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D. I actually own this movie but they re-released it in selected theatres starting today and one of the KISS stations was putting on an advance screening.

So, last night Diana and I went. I have never watched a 3-D movie and it was an experience. It was similar to the 3-D rides at Six Flags & Universal Studios. Since the movie wasn't made to be 3-D it wasn't as impressive as some of the rides I have been on, but the definition was cool and there were certain scenes that popped out at you.

The best part is it was free. My eyes were hurting when it was all over and the glasses weren't the best. The frames were skewed. All in all, I wouldn't have been too disappointed if I hadn't seen it but it was still fun.

That is all,


Thursday, October 19, 2006

Entering the Dreamscape

It's that time again. I had a dream last night that I thought I would share...

I walked over to the house next to my Granny's old house. The owner wasn't there and the house wasn't the actual house that is there in reality, but was a mansion. Inside, the man who lived there was dead. (How I knew that, I don't know). I went into his house and it became the next day. Someone came up and told me that he had no heirs and that I had just inherited this man's house.

The next thing I know, a nonprofit charity was setting up a garage sale to get rid of a lot of the junk in the garage. They came in and built shelves in the garage to put things on and began a garage sale for the charity.

Thomas and Jessica came by after the garage sale was finished and we decided to tour the house. Inside was this elaborate library, with bookshelves that went floor to ceiling. Every book imaginable was included on the shelves. They wrapped around the entire room. In the middle of the library were smaller display shelves. One large set of shelves had all pull out sleeves that contained DVDs. In fact, they were all of the DVDs ever made. We walked around finding globes, statues, and collectibles.

Thomas told me that he needed to go to a bookstore to buy some book and we left. We went to the bookstore and they didn't have what he needed. I looked at Thomas and said, "Why don't we just go back to my Library and if I have it, you can just take it."

We decided that it was the best idea. When we got back we discovered a couple sitting in my new kitchen. The woman was crying and looking at a piece of paper. I walked up and asked who they were and the woman said, "This is my father's house and you have stolen all of his things." I looked and she was right. All of the stuff was gone. A door was broken in the library and all of the books, DVDs and statues were missing.

The woman told me, "You owe me $65,000." Then I woke up.

This goes to show you that I will never be rich because someone will always take it away from me.

That is all...and isn't that sad,


Monday, October 16, 2006

Candy Bar Lines

So here is an interesting question. I was eating a miniature Snickers a few minutes ago and I looked at the bottom (flat side) of the bar and noticed the lines that are on it. To me they look like the squiggly lines that converge in the middle into a multi-line W.

This begs the question: What are those lines for? Are they strategically placed for grip of the bar? Are they there to let air pass under the bar to allow the chocolate to harden? Are they a secret code that, when broken, will reveal what the hell Nougat is?

I DON'T KNOW!!! I haven't got a clue but if it is on a Snickers bar, does that also mean my Milky Way or Three Musketeers might have this affliction? I need answers.

That is all,

Friday, October 13, 2006

CSI: Crime Scene Imagination

Thomas likes to assign homework for weekend blog posts and I cam across something interesting this morning that I need help with. As I was walking the dogs this morning I came across an interesting scene. Behind a set of bushes was a series of objects that, in my opinion, look to be the scene of a mugging. However I have doubts.

Thus the challenge I pose to all of you. Below are two 'Crime Scene' photos that I took of the area. I will list out the contents of the scene and I want your hypothoses on what happened.

The 4 circular objects are plates(2 to a package) wrapped in newspaper. This was found early in the morning, but the newspaper was not moist from dew.

There were a pair of regular handcuffs(not trick or plastic) tangled around a string of sparkly black beads. Handcuffs were missing keys. Both cuffs were shut.

A black purse was open and empty. Its contents looked to be scattered around the purse. Purse was from general department store per tag inside. Inside pocket of purse contained one cigarette lighter.

Contents of purse consist of compact, regular makeup accessories.

Not shown is one small tube of what I believe was super glue. It was the size of a pinkie finger.

I didn't move anything other than to check for an I.D. in the purse. It is important to mention that the newspaper was wrapped completely around the plates. I could find no broken plates and the newspaper was still firmly around all plates, even though they are scattered. There were no visible footprintsm though the ground was moist. There were two cars parked next to the scene and neither were broken into.

I am eager to hear your opinions on what may or may not have happened here.

That is all,


Thursday, October 12, 2006

Alas, poor Katy. We knew ye...not so well

Well, yesterday afternoon we got the call from Katy's owners. They lived across from us in another building of our complex. I took her to her owners last night.

I have to say that I think they aren't very good dog owners. When the man called, he didn't seem too worried that his dog was missing and said that they had no idea how she got out. He also didn't say thank you for keeping her or that he was sorry for the trouble. He was supposed to be home at 5:30 so I could bring her over and at 6:30 I called him to ask if he was home.

When I walked her over, his wife was coming to my apartment to grab her and when I talked to her, she told me that Katy thinks she got out when she went to take Katy on a walk. She said that she was going to take Katy out when her husband told her that he had already walked her. Apparently this was all while she was at the front door and Katy slipped out and the woman just shut the door without realizing it.

She did say thank you but she never apologized for the inconvenience. She also almost had Katy run off on her again when she took her off of my leash because she didn't bring one for her. All in all, she didn't seem that worried about her dog.

So we are back down to two dogs.

That is all,


Tuesday, October 10, 2006

What the...Another Dog?

Diana was out walking the twin terrors when she found a Basset Hound wandering outside. Her name is Katy and she looks to be about 2 or 3 and I am fairly sure she has had a litter of puppies recently. We called the number on her tag but as of yet there has been no return call.

Diana said I could keep her if we don't find the owner. Isn't she precious? I'm sure her owner will call but until she does, we have a third dog to care for. Just remember that Diana brought it home, not me.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Internal Monologue

Does anyone else walk around with an internal monologue running in his or her head? I have always been aware of a voice in my head. It is a friendly voice and keeps its comments mostly towards narration. I almost feel like Kevin on the ‘Wonder Years’.

You know. I get up from a chair and my internal voice starts voicing that I am going to the restroom, having an internal conflict that causes me to need to pace, or vocalizes the need for a cookie. As I said, I always hear it but I guess I never listen to it. It’s a forest through the trees scenario.

The reason this comes up is that my vivid imagination, along with my internal monologue, has been extra noticeable the last couple of days. It flares up when I get frustrated or angry; also when I have a large amount of alone time.

I can only assume that crazy people have this same affliction but are not aware that it is their own thoughts that they hear. I constantly pretend that the voice is actually a narrator telling an imaginary audience what I am thinking, as if I really am the star of my own TV show. I come up with overly descriptive wording for the most mundane things; trying to give unimportant actions an air of severity.

I can only imagine that there is an actual person out there whose mind is silent. His thoughts consist of 'pick up that pencil' and then that’s what they do. I am glad I am not that person because personality is bred in the mind, and if your mind is silent so is your wit.

That is all,


Fly me to the moon...or Lubbock

This afternoon, I journeyed to the land of plenty, Lubbock, Texas. I came for a recruiting event and anytime that I fly to Lubbock or Midland, I sit at Love Field and look around for anybody that I know. This is especially true when I fly for recruiting because the chances of someone my age going for the same reason is much more likely.

The reason behind this is that I hate running into people that I vaguely know. This includes former classmates, coworkers, and church members. Actually, that last one is just talk as I can no longer step into a Holy Temple for fear of my skin bursting aflame.

Anyhow, one such occasion occurred today. I was sitting and reading a book when a girl that I had a couple of classes with walked around the corner of the airport. In cases like these, I would normally just hide behind my book or not make eye contact in hopes of avoiding that awkward conversation that always follows seeing people you semi-know ?

She recognized me, however, which caused a small conversation, which causes me mild discomfort. Here are the things I remember about this girl. She was bubbly in class, not incredibly stupid, very friendly, and she is a Christian. I actually forgot her name and I guess she forgot mine too because she threw in a “I’m Jennifer, in case you didn’t remember.” Luckily, she got a call from a friend who just found out she was pregnant and I was immediately forgotten.

I can’t think that I am alone on this. Does anyone else find it unbearable to try to have a conversation with a person you care nothing about? Am I expected to save her a seat on the plane? I hope not because I instead sat next to an elderly woman that smelled like sour cream.

That is all,


Tuesday, October 03, 2006


So, this afternoon I walked outside with the dogs and a fairly attractive woman in a bikini was walking past the door. I don't think she noticed me but as soon as I turned and walked the other direction my mind began to wander.

Now for those of you reading this, my post will not be erotic. I know, you're saying to yourself "Dammit, I really wanted Newt to describe some pornographic sexual deviation to me" and to that I say "call me". But alas, my daydream was not so graphic. Here is what my mind created after seeing the pretty lady.

After walking away from the bikini clad woman I hear her turn and look at me. Immediately she is attracted to me. Who wouldn't be? Me in a pair of khaki dress pants and a orange polo and my babe magnets hooked to their leashes. She runs(in slow motion) towards me and says "You are so hot. I want you right now."

I look at the bikini clad vixen and say "I appreciate that but I am engaged and I don't believe my fiancee' would go for that." I can tell that this woman had been around, as me being betrothed doesn't seem to be a stumbling block for her. "If you don't tell, I won't", she replied.

Again, I am flustered but keep my cool. "No, you are very pretty but, as I said, I am engaged." I try to say goodbye and begin walking the dogs when she grabs me and attempts to kiss me. I fight her off, which is not easy as she has sun tan lotion all over her, and Duncan, Hazel and I leave frantically.

When we get back to the door, she is there. Trying to get me to let her into the apartment. "Just this once" and "Don't you want to have one last fling before you get married?" come out of her mouth. "No", I shout and squeeze through the door.

The point of this blog is that I am whipped. Any other person would probably have fantasized about having sex with said bikini woman, yet I instead fight her off in my own head. Even as I was changing out of my work gear, I made up how she busts into the house and catches me changing and I force her out of the room.

Thinking back to past girlfriends, I remember times when I would wake up from sex dreams before anything started to happen. Why? Because I felt guilty about cheating on my girlfriend with a dream woman. Now that's commitment.

That is all,


Monday, October 02, 2006

Keep it a Secret...Please

Yesterday, Diana and I went to Victoria Secret and when we got in line to check out, the woman in front of us was arguing with the teller. She was trying to return something she had bought (It was a red negligee) and the teller was telling her they couldn't return her item. She proceeded to say that she had just bought it and the fabric was already frayed at the edges.

The next thing I heard is the cause of this post. I heard the teller say
"We can't return this because it is soiled".

She then pointed out the stains on the item and a manager was called and agreed that they couldn't take it back. The woman was not happy and kept trying to explain that she had just bought it and that it was fraying out. She wouldn't take the fact that it was stained as a reason for not taking it.

When we got up to the counter, the woman was leaving. I turned to Diana and told her "I have some boxers with bacon strips in them. I should run those back to Old Navy." Our cashier was extremely uncomfortable and just kept saying, "Let's just not talk about it anymore". Both the women that helped her were applying Antibacterial gel on their hands.

That is all,