Thursday, May 19, 2011

Walk down memory lane - the Towel Incident

There are times when a memory will just sneak up on you and jump to the front of your brain and today I reminisced over the Towel Incident.

I was 18, getting close to graduation, and had been dating a 15 year old for about 2 weeks.  Her name was Heidi and she and I were in the midst of a relationship that lasted about a month.  Maybe it was that I was older or maybe she was just aggressive but one evening we found ourselves in my room making out, with my parents nowhere to be seen.

I am not an idiot so for anyone reading this that thinks Statutory Rape, please know that wasn't an issue and I was keeping it that way.  But we were having a good time and it was slightly more illicit in the fact that I knew I shouldn't have had her at my house.  My parents probably didn't even know I was dating anyone, much less a 15 year old.

I estimate that we had been in my room about 30 minutes when I heard the front door open and I realized I was screwed.  My bedroom was at the end of the hall and the only exits were my door and my window.  The window was out of the question the second I heard not only my parents, but my aunt, sit down in the kitchen.  My bedroom window opened right next to the kitchen window so movement would have been noticed.  Alternately, to leave meant walking right next to the kitchen.  I was trapped.

I waited a few minutes before I decided to go out and say hello to everyone.  Due to my parents smoking habit, I was known to stay shut in my room with the door closed at all times so my absences wasn't questioned, even though my pick up outside told them I was home.  I exchanged pleasantries with everyone and racked my brain for a way to figure out how to get Heidi out of my room.  We couldn't wait them out as she had a curfew and my parents can sit for hours drinking, smoking and talking.  Then I remembered "The Towel".

I exclaimed to my aunt, "Aunt Mickey, did you see my graduation present?".  You see, a family friend of ours had a tradition to give any graduate a towel with their name embroidered on it.  It was a fairly large towel, around 5 feet long, and I had gotten mine a few weeks back.  She said, "No" and I said, "Well let me show it to you".  I ran back to my room and quickly explained the plan to Heidi.

I grabbed the towel, walked back out into the hallway, and held the towel up in the doorway of the kitchen.  The towel was just big enough that when I intentionally let it touch the floor, the doorway was completely obstructed.  Heidi took the opportunity to run past the door and to the front entry way.  I waited a moment, told them I had to go meet someone or some other excuse that I no longer recall, threw the towel in my room, and left the house, taking Heidi out the door with me.

Did my parents know what was happening?  I don't think so.  I haven't thought to ask them but I still have that towel and from time to time that whole situation comes back to me and makes me laugh.

That is all,


Monday, March 07, 2011

I went to Austin and all I got was this Awesome shirt...and a bunch of comics

Diana, Grace and I decided to go on a weekend trip to Austin this weekend, in part to go to STAPLE. It is a small press/independent media expo that features comic book and I was extremely interested in going to see a couple of my favorite creators, Brian Clevinger and Scott Wegener.  They created Atomic Robo, which is one of the best comics out there. 

We drove in to Austin on Saturday and went straight to the center the show was being held at.  I wasn't expecting to spend a lot of time there, and after about an hour and a half, we were done.  I hit the Atomic Robo table first and cleaned up with a bunch of stuff.  A couple of trades, a free comic, some autographs, and this awesome sketch.

We then went walking around as there were a few books I wanted to pick up. I got,

not to mention I found this awesome print of Cookie Monster.
and I got this funny shirt.

Diana was happy that we didn't stay for hours and hours and I had a good time.  Gracie was a big hit once we got her out of the stroller.  She wouldn't stop gibber-jabbering and people were eating it up.  This was her first(of many) cons and it was a great way to get her started on them.  
That is all,

Tuesday, March 01, 2011


So, as part of my weight loss challenge I have been spending time at the gym and Sunday, I may or may not have embarrassed myself.

I was 20 minutes into my elliptical use and I went to change the page on my Nook when suddenly I hear a very loud fart.  I looked around to see who it was and as I smelled it I realized it was ME!  It just slipped out, I swear. 

As I smelled what I had produced, my gaze slowly darted to my left and right.  A woman was standing two machines away from me and I couldn't tell if she heard it or not.  My eyes returned to my book and I made no recognition of what happened and prayed that I wasn't now looked at as the stinky guy on the elliptical machine.

That is all


Monday, February 28, 2011

Weight loss challenge

So, you know how I am fat?  Well, not for long bitches!  I went on a weight loss kick a while back before Grace was born and dropped about 20 lbs.  I have kept off about 15 of those but a while back my doctor told me I should really be in the 200 lb range.  Well, I always intended to get there but Grace takes up a lot of time, who knew? So, I slipped and stopped behaving myself and didn't visit that lovely gym I spend $30 a month to be a member of.

Well, it just so happens Erin moved back to town and is getting hitched and wants to lose some weight for her wedding, and maybe just in general.  So, I threw down a challenge. I am super competitive and bullheaded and decided if I was competing with someone, I would be more inclined to drop the pounds.  Last Monday we kicked off our Biggest Loser challenge to see who can be the thinnest.

We are weighing in every two weeks, calculating percentage lost, and the loser of that weigh in has to buy the winner something.  That part is kind of vague.  But it allows for the competition side of things to stay fresh, it allows us to be constantly in battle, and it allows for prizes.

So far, things have gone OK.  I visited the gym a few times and ate poorly instead of incredibly poorly.  I started counting calories again and made a few good decisions along the way.  However I also made some bad ones.

Here is my shame:
  • 10 beers and a huge burger while in Houston
  • Whataburger for breakfast on Wednesday and Thursday while in Houston
  • Mexican food for lunch and dinner on Friday, with 7 beers in the evening
  • An entire giant size box of Nerds on Saturday
So, will I win the upcoming weigh in? Who knows.  I am not sure what Erin has done but I hope for my sake she fails miserably, and I hope for her sake that she wins.

That is all,


Thursday, February 03, 2011

Hey People, there's an order to things

Yesterday, I was chatting with a fellow blogger, Lola Lakely, and we were discussing many things, but one thing that came up was how hard it is to take care of something. Lola just got a puppy and I just had a baby and she was saying how it is a new experience to have something that relies on you. She immediately threw in, "We got a puppy, and not that it's the same thing but trying to figure out what she wants is hard."

And she is right.

Being a parent is hard. It is hard when you are a fur parent and it is harder when you are a full time parent. So, as we were chatting, I wrote down some rules for her to get tattooed on her arm as a sort of checklist. This is really a set of hard to figure out steps that people might want to know.

Step 1. Meet a mate. This is gender neutral and if you end up with a set of points or a set of holes, it makes no difference.
Step 2. Live together. This may go against some of your religious beliefs. If so, move step 4 between steps 1 and 2 but do not move past Step 4. You aren't ready yet.
Step 3. Get a Pet. Ever cared for another living thing? No. Well try it with an animal. Cats don't count. If you kill it, maybe you should think long and hard before procreating.
Step 4. Marry. Yes, I am throwing convention into the wind and actually suggesting you get married before you have a kid. And I have a great reason why.
Step 5 If you can do all that then you can have a kid

So, if you have done all of these steps you are probably pretty happy. There are exceptions to that rule because some people just don't work out but for the most part, I would stake money on this system. I haven't figured out how to market it yet but I am getting there.

Here is the logic behind my 5 step method.

You need a mate before you can move past step one.
Living together will teach you patience. Dating someone is not the same as living with them and even though they may have a tooth brush at your house, there are two people you are dating. One is the person you have over, and one is the person who is at home.

Pets teach responsibility and selflessness. You can't just run away for the weekend when you have a pet. Someone has to take care of them so they either go with you, causing you to be responsible even on vacation, or you pay someone to take them in which case you just got your first taste of daycare.

Marring teaches commitment. Sure, marriage teaches you all sorts of things, but by saying, "I Do" you are committing to something in a way you have never done before. I bought an extended warranty on a TV once that was 3 years. I have bought cars that I still drive. I even signed a 30 year note on a house, but at the end of the day a marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment and if you can keep it in your pants, it will be.

So, that brings us to kids. If you have patience, responsibility, selflessness and commitment, you can handle being a parent. It isn't an easy job, and some days you might wonder how you made it through another day, but it is worth every minute of it. As for why you should get married before you have a kid, having two people to raise a child is for the benefit of the child, but also for the people raising it. It is backup when you most need it and it is relief to know that if it gets to hard, someone is always there to support you.

That is all,

Disclaimer: I understand their are single parents out there. Their job is twice as hard and I would bet that most would all agree with my rules. Choosing to be a single parent is like painting a house. One person can do it, but it is a lot easier if you have help.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Selfishness, also known as Solitude

I spent the entire day yesterday just for myself and it was amazing. This might be called selfish, or lazy but it matters not to me. I woke up to help Diana get Gracie ready for her first day of daycare and then the rest of the day was mine.

I had yesterday off and I spent it thus:

I went and tried the new Spicy Chicken biscuit at Chick-Fil A and it was pretty good. I have a hard time getting my head around chicken for breakfast but it was still tasty. I would rather have had the spicy sandwich.

I came home and played 3 hours of 'Epic Mickey' which is a phenomenally addictive game. I purchased a bean bag chair for the occasion, and after awaiting Christmas Day to get the game, my ass made quite an indention in the chair.

I went and ate Rosa's Tacos for lunch and followed it up with a screening of 'Tangled' which was very good. Much more enjoyable than I thought it might be. The movie, not the tacos.

I came home and read "Turning Angel" by Greg Iles for about an hour.

I spent two more hours playing 'Epic Mickey'.

At four I went and received Gracie from daycare,

For eight hours I didn't have to be a parent, a husband, an employee, a homeowner, or a cook. I got to be Trinity "Lazy Ass" Vaughn and it made me feel like my old self. The same guy who stood in line in the cold for hours the day the Nintendo Wii came out; the same guy that used to go to midnight showings for movies; the same guy who had time to read an entire book in a day because his life was so unrestricted.

I entered back into my new life at four, and I was very happy to see my little girl. I wouldn't trade my life for anything but it is nice to be able to step out of it for a while to appreciate where I have been. Sometimes it feels like life is on the path of who we are becoming and we don't get enough of a chance to remember where who we used to be.

That is all,