Thursday, December 31, 2009

TBWCYL Day 364 - Bye Bye Bookie

Yesterday was hard. I have held off doing this particular task until the end of this silly experiment but last night was time.

Back around Day 260 I was supposed to leave The Book in a public place and see if it came back to me. I guess in theory someone would find it, find my name and number in the front of the book and then call me. But, I waited on this because if it didn't come back quickly, or at all, then I would be without it to complete it and I wanted to finish the thing.

So, last night I bit the bullet and got rid of The Book. No, you didn't read that wrong, I no longer have The Book in my possession. Here is what I did.

First, I went to the day I was supposed to do this task, I think it was 262, and wrote a letter into the page.(see below)



Then, I wrote an additional letter in the front page of the book. So, when someone opened it, this is the first thing they would see. It stated that the book they hold was a year of my life and I would like it back. It contained my name and number in large print.

Diana and I then took it to the same Half Price Books that it was purchased from on January 1, 2009 and put it back on the shelf next to an unused copy. She snuck it in inside her purse and, like spies, we slyly placed it. My opy is the one on the right. I thought it very 'Circle of Life' to put it back where I got it.


Someone may buy it without realizing or they may just see a fully completed copy and buy it just to see how things went. I don't know. An employee may open it since it doesn't have a price and call me to come get it.

I feel a weight off of me. I finish the entire experiment on December 31st with my last task and it has been crazy. I will be disappointed if no one calls me about my copy. Maybe I will get it back one day and maybe I won't but either way I will have finished this thing and you guys have come along with me so thank you.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 363 - Calling in Sick

So, I was supposed to hand deliver all of my emails on Tuesday but I got crazy sick and was only able to work for about 2 hours. In that time I had no emails to deliver that weren't to another city or person at another building. I think my coworkers were avoiding me or something.

I puked at work and decided enough was enough and went home. I spent the remainder of the day curled up on the futon in a dark room, only coming out to get water and eat an occasional slice of bread to put something in my stomach. It was not pleasant.

So, no task completed today on account of sickness.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, December 28, 2009

TBWCYL Day 362 - Swap me

Do you think you could do a co-workers job? Could they do yours? Well, I was tasked with finding out and today has been hellish.

Before I begin, I have an announcement to make. I got a new job within my company that will be starting after the new year. With it comes the opportunity to travel the country and do something challenging and completely different. I am now half training my replacement which lead to the task being much easier as no one at work knows about The Book.

To add to this a different coworker is on vacation this week and so I am covering for him while he is gone. This too helps the task for the day.

So, I have someone training to do my job and I am doing someone else's and it is tiring. I have been juggling shipping jobs for someone, which isn't something I normally do, as well as managing the call center the guy on vacation is in charge of. All of this is going on while trying to fit in minutes of training for my replacement. Oh, and I am starting to work on my new job duties too. Ahhhh!!!

I am ready for the day to end.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 361 - Tic, Tac, No

"Challenge everyone you meet to a game of Tic-Tac-To." Is 'meet' open to interpretation? I hope so because I only challenged one person to a game yesterday and that was Erin. We drove home from Midland yesterday so most of the day was spent with one of two kinds of people:

Relatives
Wife

Guess what? I already knew all of them so I didn't meet anyone new. Erin met us in Dallas and is staying with us for the week so when we all settled down, I was able to pull out a pad and ask to play a game of Tic-Tac-To. We tied, because as Erin stated, "We are two intelligent people". I am not sure if that is why but I will take it.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, December 27, 2009

TBWCYL Day 360 - Cham-pag-ne

I was drunk by noon yesterday. I was tasked with drinking nothing but champagne all day yesterday and after getting up around 10, opened a bottle of $5 Cold Duck and drank the entire thing. Maybe drunk was too strong a word, more like tipsy. I went and got some burritos to fill me up and took a nap.

At 3 p.m. I was up again and uncomfortable. I am not one for napping and yesterday's endeavor just made my neck hurt and my head ache. No, I don't think the champagne had anything to do with it. I opened a bottle of dry something that I had bought and had a glass to wet my whistle.

My headache wouldn't go away and I had to relent and drink a glass of water. I think I was slightly dehydrated and didn't want to risk it getting worse. I had to get out of the house around 5 so I left my mother-in-laws and headed to my parents to visit.

One thing about me that you may realize is I can't sit still for long. I usually get up and move around, go find some work to be done, or just go to a store and walk around. I hate just sitting in front of a TV all day and during holidays that seems to be what happens the most and I am constantly bored. Last night, after finishing off the second bottle of champagne, I got just that: bored. I fidgeted a while and started to get hungry so while my wife's family sat around watching a football bowl game, I gave up and headed to get nachos and read. By this time it was 10 p.m. and I was dying for an ice tea and that is exactly what I had.

Champagne isn't the worst thing to have to drink all day but I wasn't really in the mood for alcohol. The problem was I had to do this task today because as you may have noticed, we are winding down on the number of days left for tasks and knowing what was left and my work schedule, I knew I had yesterday as the only day available to drink unrestrained.

5 more days of tasks left and we will close The Book forever. Whooo hoooo!

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 359 - Sketchy

So, Christmas was an eventful day. After opening presents with Diana's family, Diana set out to bake a Pumpkin Pie. My task for the day was to sketch someone opposite me on public transportation but since it was Christmas and I was in a small town with little public transport, I decided to just sketch her baking a pie. It is as rare an occurrence as me riding public transportation anyway.



I am not an artist by trade so please understand that this image is not very good. I haven't sketched in years.

The bubble above her head says,"My Pie!". This is due to the fact that Diana got her pie ready to go in the oven the pie tin collapsed on her and spilled all over the oven. The entire series of events is worthy of its own post and once I figure out who is writing it, it will be posted on either mine, or my wife's blog.

I forgot how hard sketching something can be. I used to have a minute amount of talent with pencil and paper when I was younger and did well in my art classes in high school. I think I wouldn't pass now.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, December 25, 2009

TBWCYL Day 358 - Hot Spot

I increased my tolerance for hot food yesterday with some experimentation in Tabasco Sauce. Before opening our presents last night, we were sitting around and I went to refill my drink. I opened up the fridge and saw the bottle of Tabasco and without waiting to regret my decision, I poured about 6 spurts of sauce on my tongue and let it settle until I couldn't take it anymore.

My tongue caught fire and I rushed to the glass of ice tea that was waiting for me. It didn't do too much to eradicate the heat but it did help the transition as my tongue settled. I am not one for spicy food so this is one of those things where increasing tolerance meant building one to begin with.

My father gave me a chocolate bar with bacon mixed into it and I was trying to taste it but my tongue wasn't letting me savor the flavor. I still am not sure exactly the taste of it but I have some left so I will find out later.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, December 24, 2009

TBWCYL Day 357 - Poor Old Man

Imagine being this guy:

Well, it is another year and I am spending Christmas all alone again. I got this stupid pink Snuggie from my son. That son of a bitch just doesn't have any sense. They put me in this "Assisted Living" facility and think once I am here they can just call once in a while and I will be happy. I don't have alzheimers, for God's sakes. I remember that they forget about me.

If my saint of a wife hadn't gone and died on me, I think this would be more tolerable. It is being alone that is killer. Sure, the daily card games make the time pass, and the library shuttle gets me a consistent supply of reading material but I want more. Why do the holiday's make things worse? What does the birth of a kid 2000 years ago have to do with making me long to see my grandkids? I think the cafeteria is serving some sort of holiday meal. I just hope they have gingerbread men. I like to bite the heads off and put them back on the plate.


Merry Christmas everyone. Tell your old people you love them.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

TBWCYL Day 356 - The Write Off

My cousin Brian is the biggest Dick-head I know, and I know a lot of dick heads. Wait, that came out wrong. Anyway, for today's task I was to disinherit a relative and since my Granny died a few years ago, I think now it is safe to just pull up the tax return of life and write that bastard off completely.

You see, Brian was born as a giant douche. He got it from his father from what I can tell and as long as I have known him, he has never been pleasant, cordial or nice. He dips tobacco and leaves his spit cups around, he uses his family to get what he wants.

My main reason for disliking him so much is because of my Granny. When I was young, say 3 or 4, he was around quite a bit. She loved him so much and he ate it up and probably loved her back. However, as he got older, he let his relationship slide with her, can't say that doesn't happen from time to time but I think it made her sad. We were working in the yard one day, I used to help her weed her flower beds, and I said something like, "Granny, I love you and will never leave you". She came back with something to the affect of, "Oh, you'll leave me sometime and get busy and forget your old Granny, just like Brian did."

I was floored. How could she think I would ever do such a thing? She had Dr. Pepper and Ice Cream and all of my Legos were at her house. Plus, I loved sitting in her lap and watching Crooke and Chase on the Nashville network with her. I was so insulted. I said, "Granny, I could never do that. I love you too much and I will never leave." I don't think she believed me.

I count that as a defining moment in my life because I think it was one of the first times I realized what Loyalty was. I kept my promise to my Granny and even through college I would call her at least once a week and visit her every chance I could when I came home. When she died I was there to bury her ashes, even though it required flying to Alabama.

We had a viewing before her cremation and even though Brian did show up, he refused to look at the body. Some people said he didn't handle death well but I like to think it was shame for not being a better grandson. I haven't spoken to him since she died and honestly don't expect to unless he needed a kidney or something. I feel shame to think that he is my blood and the idea of disowning him doesn't make me feel anything. When you can't even muster any emotion for a person is when you know you don't care about that person anymore.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 355 - Kama Sutures

I don't normally bring my sex life into this blog but The Book decided it was necessary. We packed the car for our drive to Midland last night and before I put The Book in, I opened up the task for today, handed it to Diana, and said, "Pick One". No, she wasn't picking my task, but instead picking the way that it was done.

You see, yesterday was Kama Sutra Day and the makers of This Book Will Change Your Life were kind enough to give me a task I would love to do. There were about 15 different positions available on the page and Diana and I had a good time looking through them. Most I had to describe how they would work and I have to say, a few looked down right impossible for anyone but a ninja to be able to pull off. We settled on the one below and I filed The Book away.


I won't go into too many details but after warming up we attempted this thing to hilarious results. I am 6 feet tall, my wife is 5'7 or so. Our anatomy doesn't line up when we stand or apparently when we kneel so attempting this was tricky. They might has well have named this 'Just the Tip' because that is about all that was achievable. After about 30 seconds of trying to figure out where are legs should go and what the hell we were supposed to do, we both started laughing so hard that we pretty much just fell over and gave up.

At least now I don't feel like my $.26 went to waste.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, December 20, 2009

TBWCYL Day 354 - Carvings

I put my initials in my neighbors tree today. It was my task to carve something into a tree and TV really fits well and is easy to carve so I went with it. I nonchalantly walked down the street and quickly stopped and pulled out a tiny screwdriver and popped them into the bark.

I supposed if the tree sheds or he goes out there and takes the bark off then my initials won't last long but they are there for now and that is all I can hope for.

That is all,

Newt

Saturday, December 19, 2009

TBWCYL Day 353 - Can I have your Autograph?

Imagine you are book hunting and pick up a book to find that the author's signature is in the front cover. "OMG!" you exclaim. This must be some mistake. How could I be so lucky as to have found a signed copy for dirt cheap?

That would be my doing.

While working at the comic book store today, I reached into the 10 cent comic boxes and grabbed a few of the shittiest issues I could find and signed them with a Sharpie. I put the writers name in as if it was a signed copy and placed it back in the box. The damage done was minimal and may even give someone a rush of excitement that they would never have achieved had I not done this.

Was it wrong of me to deface these books? Maybe. But that was my task and I thought doing about .30 worth of damage was better than defacing hardbacks at the local Borders.

I hope these don't end up on ebay or I will feel bad.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 352 - 26 cents and I still felt ripped off

I got drunk last night at a happy hour. I admit it. By 8 pm I was belligerently asking the waitress questions that I thought charming and had a great buzz going that lasted for a while. We went to the Flying Saucer to celebrate a friend passing her CPA exam and I got tipsy. We switched bars around 9 and I got mega hungry and decided to ditch the group and go to Chipotle for a burrito (I walked so don't think I drove drunk or anything).

Anyhow, after sobering up and eating a massive burrito I headed home. Diana was in a separate car and had to run an errand before meeting me at the house and by the time she got home I was verging on unconscious. The problem with that was my task, I hadn't forgotten to do it, I just needed her cooperation to get it done.

You see, I was supposed to join the many men who have paid for sex by... well, doing just that. I am not adverse to paying for sex if it is worth the money. In this day and age it almost seems like spending money on dinners and drinks for some ever changing amount of dates before sex takes place is just silly and if someone is willing to trade some tang for some cha-chang (This line strikes me as genius and I am going to get that trademarked) then more power to them.

I wasn't sure I was up for anything last night but thought I would try for the sake of The Book so when I got home, I checked the mail, got ready for bed, and went hunting for some cash to pay my lady of the night. I don't carry cash so I was literally counting change to see what it would get me. I found a quarter and a Canadian penny that for some reason was sitting in my change cup and deposited them on top of Diana's book on her bedside table. Then I slipped under the covers and tried to read...for about 20 seconds.

The next thing I know I am waking up to Diana coming home. In my daze I did hear her ask, "Is this my money to have sex with you?" I grumbled "Yes" and I have a feeling it didn't sound as sexy coming out of my mouth as it did in my head. So, I paid for sex last night and like many nights when I have been drinking, I didn't have any.

I don't know what is worse, the fact that I put money down for sexual favors and didn't get any or the fact that my wife didn't seem upset that I only offered 26 cents.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, December 18, 2009

TBWCYL Day 351 - Red Sock, White Sock, Kickball, Tacky Shirt

Yesterday was our final game in the regular season of Kickball and The Good, The Bad and The Ballzy took on Kick Balls, Not Puppies. Sadly we lost in the final inning when a bad call got us out on second. It was in contention but was given to the other team and cost us the win at 5-6. No matter, we still had fun and I made it all the way to 3rd before being tagged out on a run home.

Along with kickball, we all wore tacky sweaters/shirts and this gave me the opportunity to complete a task. I was supposed to 'Out' myself as a This Book Will Change Your Life participant by wearing one red sock. Anyone who had done The Book would recognize my signal and know I was in the Brotherhood and come talk to me.

While this didn't happen, our Christmas theme was the perfect opportunity to wear a red sock without the normal people wondering why. So, I put on one red and one white sock and before the game started, I tucked my jeans into them and played the game with my red sock visible to all.

I went out to the bar after the game and played some Foosball and the entire time I kept my sock exposed. It was very festive. No one approached me so there must not have been any other Bookies in the bar or on the field. Such a shame too because I really would like to meet someone else that has gone through this.

14 days to go.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, December 17, 2009

TBWCYL Day 350 - Mason mania

I was supposed to join the Freemasons yesterday. The Book had a form and everything. 2 problems with this. First, you had to have 2 Masons recommend you for entry, and two, Masons are F-ing crazy and I am afraid of them.

They are a secret society of people that don't let anyone into their inner circle. It is like Scientology except older. I have always been fearful of them and their ways. I saw Skulls with Joshua Jackson and I don't want to get involved with that crazy crap.

Another issue I have, and probably a reason they would deny my membership is that they have a constitutional declaration of belief in a the Supreme Being. I do not. I can see how that would go.

"Newt, do you claim allegiance to the Supreme Being?"
"erm...No, not really. Can I take a bench on that topic?"
"What?! No! You must pledge allegiance."
"To the Flag? I can do the Flag."
"No, get out of my sight."
"Toodles"

It wouldn't be pretty.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

TBWCYL Day 349 - Timber

I was supposed to cut down a tree yesterday. Can you believe that? Like I can do that. I don't have an axe, a flannel shirt, or boots. And there is not tree I could cut that would not end up with me in jail for destruction of public property.

Since I am a fat ass I turned this into an exercise in food. Below is one of my seasonal favorites, Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes. They come in vanilla and chocolate and are freaking awesome. Notice they are trees? Good, otherwise I would have to disown you as readers.
I might not be able to swing an awe but if you hand me a box of these I will be your Paul Bunyan. I don't have a blue ox but I have a Babe named Diana. When I threw a tree on her lap I think she got more pleasure than I usually give her. We both ended up eating two of these, one chocolate and one vanilla a piece, before the night was over.

I was mad at myself for not yelling "Tiiimmmmbbbeeeerrrr!!!!" after eating each one though.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, December 14, 2009

TBWCYL Day 348 - $20 for some chicken

I pulled a $20 out of the ATM today for my task. You see, there is this elaborate story on today's task about a man who gives a homeless person $20 and through a series of events is rewarded 100 fold because of it. Thus I was to give a homeless person a $20 and see what happens.

I went at lunch to find a homeless person. If you have ever hunted the homeless I will be placing a call to the proper authorities to report you. I, on the other hand, was out HARMLESSLY tracking the homeless today and was coming up with very little in the way of prey.

I first went to the local corner but there was no one to be found. I then checked the other three corners but they too were empty. I considered checking under a bridge but it was warm in Dallas today and seemed more likely to find them not home. The Whataburger I frequent has its fair share of vagabonds and I even went by there at both breakfast (I didn't eat) and lunch (again I didn't eat) but none were to be found.

Finally I hit a corner I knew to frequent the homeless population and struck gold. More like black gold actually as this particular homeless person was black. He wasn't as downtrodden as some I have seen but since 'beggars can't be choosers' I didn't feel right being choosy about my beggar. I pulled up to the corner he was at and flagged him over.

He was jovial as I held the money out the window and he jogged over. His sign read "Grub" which I took to mean he wanted some because being homeless and having the name Grub seemed to much bad karma for one person to be plagued with. He reached for the money and I said "Merry Christmas". He took it and then recognition hit his eyes as he realized the value. He said "Thanks. Now I can get some food" and darted across the street and headed to the local Church's Chicken.

The irony that a black man went straight to a chicken place made me laugh and also feel slightly racist. However the feeling of doing a good deed overcame it and put a smile on my face. I suppose I will now wait for my karmic rewards.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 347 - Is anyone there?

Did you call me yesterday? Well if you did I didn't answer. In fact, I didn't answer the telephone at all yesterday. If anyone called I wouldn't have anyway. It turns out it isn't difficult to ignore phone calls when you don't get them.

Is it pathetic that no one thought, "I should call Trinity on Sunday"? Maybe a little but I don't really use the phone that much. I got an iPhone and only got that cause it was cool and had mobile Internet. It had nothing to do with the phone per se.

If I am absolutely honest, I spent all day with Diana yesterday and kept meaning to check my task but didn't get around to it until 6 or so and by then it was just coincidence that I hadn't had a phone call. As I told Diana, "Yeah for accidentally completely my task today".

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 346 - Speech! Speech!

I made a speech on Saturday. It wasn't an especially moving speech or a rousing one but on the way home from an awesome Sister Hazel concert, Diana and I were discussing stuff and I took control.

We had been in a discussion about some personal things that I won't go into on here, nothing bad, and I made a clear and concise speech about what I thought we should do and all of the reasons behind my thinking. I pointed out what I thought was the right way to go about it and after some consideration, she agreed with me.

How is that for speechifying?

That is all,

Newt

Friday, December 11, 2009

TBWCYL Day 345 - Old Age

I am 27 years old and hope to retire from real work when I get to about 65 or so. A few years back, Diana and I decided this and moved forward with some investing that we decided we needed to do to get us to the place where we could retire in style and not have to work forever. I tell you all of this because for today's task I was supposed to plan for old age.

I wonder what old age will be like. I am going to guess my house will be paid off by age 65 so we will just have to have money for fuel cells for our flying cars and for the space travel expeditions we will go on. I bet Jupiter is lovely this time of year.

I am going to bank on having a personal teleporter because I really think someone will figure that technology out in 40 years. Also, I am going to guess I will be able to have extra appendages added to my body so I can have the prehensile tail I have always wanted. Now your thinking, "a 65 year old man with a monkey tail sounds pretty gruesome" but I am looking forward to it so you can just take you gene-splicing prejudice and stuff it.

I figure I will live to at least 90 so having 25 years off is going to get old pretty quickly. If jobs aren't completely outsourced to India by 2047 then I can get a job for a few hours a week that will be for the best. Having me get bored is usually a bad idea. If not, I suppose I could always just sit all day and read my comics because by that point I will probably have so obscene an amount that it will be dangerous.

All in all I think old age will be pretty cool.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 344 - Naval digging

Holy Hell it was cold yesterday. It was Thursday yesterday and that meant another round of kickball. I was asked to line ref the game before ours so I showed up around 7 and thourougly regretted it. I don't know the actual temperature that we hit yesterday but I would guess it was in the 30s and even though I tried to dress warm, I didn't do well and thought I might loose my toe to frostbite. Our team won its game against the Hamburglers though so we are on a three game win streak.

As for my task, I was to collect my belly button lint and send it in to the Benrik Corporation to help make a sweater for a dog they had photographed and placed in The Book. I hope by now he already has a sweater but there is a small envelope on my desk that is headed to NYC with two small wads of lint from yesterday. I excavated the second helping before getting into bed and all I can say is, "My belly button lint is blue". Not sure what that is about.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, December 10, 2009

TBWCYL Day 343 - Pine-ing

I didn't find this stupid tree so I don't get $1000. I could have used it too.


That is all,

Newt
p.s. Ignore that the task is for day 344. I had to rearrange.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

TBWCYL Day 342 - Let me get that for you

Who says chivalry is dead? Oh wait, I meant chauvinism. I got to pretend yesterday that I was living in the 50's, where men were men and women didn't count. Sure, they had a few perks but lets face it, they weren't thought much of, and that is the way I like it.

I was kind to women most of the day, opening doors, taking a cart off of their hands at the store so they wouldn't have to walk them back, etc. But when I got home, that is when the real fun began. I put my wife in her place. "Cook me dinner woman!" was yelled; "Bring me a beer" exclaimed. She was my servant, the way God intended her to be. When she talked, I made sure she knew how stupid her ideas were. You don't want them getting any ideas about 'Girl Power' or any of that shit.*

What a good day,

That is all,

Newt

*Actually, yesterday consisted of me coming home to an empty house and warming up chili until 9 when Diana finally came home and we watched "So You Think You Can Dance". I was polite enough to control the remote and fast forward through all the commercials. It is hard to boss someone around who isn't there.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

TBWCYL Day 341 - Butter makes it better

I was supposed to do something kinky yesterday. I made that the first sentence because after that it is on your head if you read anymore of this post.

My wife was running late last night and didn't end up getting home until after 8. She is out of commission at the moment so using her in my kinky act seemed unlikely so I determined I was going to have to manage with things myself.

I have been trying to get in the Christmas spirit and part of that has been with cooking. I feel like when you cook it warms your house and a warm home is one of the things I associate heavily with Christmas. Last night for my culinary endeavor I decided to mix butter and brown sugar into a paste and drizzle it on almonds and pecans and roast them so I could take them to work. After getting them in the oven I decided to complete my task.

So, the kinky thing I did...well I rubbed one out with butter on my hands. Now I didn't use a stick of butter or anything but after I got finished coating my nuts I just didn't wash my hands. So there was butter on my fingers and I thought, 'What the hell'.

My nuts turned out well.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, December 07, 2009

TBWCYL Day 340 - Meat me in St. Louis

I have a bad feeling I will regret yesterday. I was tasked with being a carnivore and was allowed to only eat red meat yesterday. No veggies, no bread, no sweets. I had to adjust this a little by saying, "Only Eat Meat" because I couldn't make breakfast without it.

I went to the store around 9 a.m. to grab eggs and bacon. I cooked it up and probably ate about 10 slices when all was said and done. I am sure that won't backfire on me.

After running around all day I started to get hungry and we were at Target so I bought some beef jerky and dove into it once we hit the car. Diana hates the smell of beef jerky but she fought through it. I however love the stuff and could eat it all day. She said, "What flavor is that?" and all I had to say back was "Beef".

While at the store during the morning, I also bought 2 steaks and since it is cold here, I decided to broil them. They turned out decent enough so for dinner I had steak. Just steak. No potato or green beans. Just steak.

God I wanted a piece of bread. How those Atkin's Diet people do it I will never know.

Funny story. We only ate one steak so at 9 p.m. last night I took a knife and went to town on the other cooked slab of beef and cut it into tiny slices. I headed back to the store to get everything for chili and came home to start it up. I decided I would leave it simmering overnight and then finish cooking it after work today.

I started cutting the onions and halfway through I was balling my eyes out. This was the most pungent onion I had ever cut into. After suffering through it I moved onto two very small jalapenos. I seeded them and chopped them and put them in. When I was done I washed my hands and sat down to read while my chili was simmering.

I pick my nose a lot. If I feel something stuck in there I act like a three year old and dig until I can't dig anymore. Apparently I didn't get my fingers clean after cutting the jalapenos because as I was reading a comic and winding down, I started an excavation project and about 2 minutes later, my nostrils were on fire. Have you ever had a burning sensation inside your nasal cavity? It hurts.

I was running around trying to clean it out with a wet paper towel and Diana was laughing at me when I asked, "What do you do to stop the burning?" Diana said, "Put bread on it, the carbs stop the burning" and I was desperate so I ran to the breadbox and pulled out a slice of Wheat and ripped two wads off and shoved them up my nose. I'll be damned if it didn't work.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, December 06, 2009

TBWCYL Day 339 - He does exist!

Christmas is upon us and with it means Santa is just around the bend. I have already seen him at multiple stores with little snot nosed virus vessels sitting on his lap. I enjoy Christmas alright but haven't had the gusto for it that I did when I first started life. I think that every year it looses a little of its fun. I think once we start having children things might be different but until that far off day arrives I will just have to enjoy the little things about Christmas.

One of my favorite little things is how blindly children believe in Santa and I support that belief whole heartily. It came in handy today because I was supposed to convince a child that Santa does exist. I had to work at the comic book store yesterday so I thought I would get plenty of chances to ask kids if they were excited for Santa's visit because I figured I would either get a big "YES" or a " Santa isn't real" to which I would lay the "truth" on them and set them back on the path of belief.

That didn't happen. Not one kid was in that could talk so logically I didn't get to try. But I still had time and we went to 'ICE' at the Gaylord Texan here in Dallas. ICE is an interesting thing. This giant resort takes their convention center and closes part of it off. Then they bring some Chinese people in from somewhere in China and set up tents and build ice sculptures and paint them or dye them to the right color and you get to walk through and see it. The room is kept at between 9 and 14 degrees so you are issued a parka before walking in the door.

This year's theme was "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and so all the sculptures were scenes from the book. My wife will surely post about it so if you want to see pictures, get to her blog. Anyway, we were taking a 4 year old with us which I figured was a perfect target. That little brat was not good to use because she had mood swings from super happy to crying to grouchy all in the space of 10 seconds. I kept trying to ask her but she just stuck her tongue out at me. I never did get an answer from her.

I had a few good arguments for Santa's existence that I didn't get to use.

1: If he didn't exist then how come all of these people believe and you don't? (Kids don't understand commercialism)
2: I know Santa exists because I caught him once putting presents under my tree. (I would then make up an elaborate story about how I came out of my room because I set a trap for Santa and caught him. I had to free him and he told me that what I did was naughty but he still gave me the Ninja Turtle I wanted.)
3. He does so. Nya Nya. (And I stick my tongue out at them.)

That is all,

Newt

Saturday, December 05, 2009

TBWCYL Day 338 - Rainbow chaser

I was supposed to dig at the end of a rainbow yesterday but I couldn't find one. You would think the makers of this book would have had some forethought to say, "We should only make tasks that are achievable". I thought I might stumble across a fake one on the street and I would just dig at it but I couldn't find one.

I feel like the last of the tasks are less interesting than the beginning ones. I haven't had tasks the level of 'give yourself an enema' or 'don't talk all day'. I honestly feel the days winding down and can't wait until January 1st when I don't have to remember to check my book before I leave the house so I can figure out what I have to do for the day.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, December 04, 2009

Busted - A Post about being a nerd and a compulsive shopper

I think I made a grave error in judgement. Remember a few weeks ago when I was helping my coworker find a comic related gift for his nephew? Well, that kind of backfired on me. It started innocently enough. I got on ebay to look for something for his nephew and found a few things. If you haven't ebayed before you might not realize this, but sellers ususally sell more than one thing. It is old hat that when you are buying something from a seller that you usually just check out his or her other auctions to see what else they are selling so if you are interested you can buy more and save on the shipping.

All in all this is usually a good idea but when you are Newt the Wonder Frog, things can turn a little froggy and that is when you know you are in a bad place. I found an auction for him and did just as I said, checking the other availible items when I came across this beauty.


Meet the Mole Man. He is a Fantastic Four villian and was only $9.99. How could I turn it down? Well, I couldn't and this was the match that lit the dynamite that ended with me finding over $300 in mini-busts from three different sellers and a huge drop in my personal spending. Below is the rest of my haul.

Mysterio

Rhino

Hobgoblin

The Lizard

Kraven the Hunter

Morbius the Living Vampire

Black Cat

The Vulture

Sandman

Hulk - Grey Version

The Beast

Wolverine

Bucky the sidekick to Captain America

Yellowjacket

The Absorbing Man

I was so excited to put them up on display for my shelves, or most of them anyway. The Wonder Frog Sculpture Gallery now has a Fantastic Four and Spiderman display. The original Avengers exhibit has been retired for now.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 337 - Space, the Expensive Frontier

I was supposed to go to www.spaceadventures.com yesterday and sign up to go into space. After perusing the site I just have to say.

Are. You. F-ing. Crazy?

Go to that site and look around. Go on, I'll wait. Did you see that shit? Who has $9,700 for Centrifuge training? Or $89,000 for Cosmonaut training? I mean really. And the guy who founded Cirque de Soleil apparently just went into space. Who does that? It would be cool, don't get me wrong, but I don't have that kind of cash.

I know space travel is getting cheaper and I can foresee one day when travel sites like Orbitz will be offering one way tickets to the moon but it sure as hell hasn't happened yet. Maybe in 40 years I can go up when I retire.

Damn!

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

TBWCYL Day 336 - Wine-O

Howdy all. I am slightly tipsy and becoming a wine connoisseur at the moment. This was a task I could get behind. I was supposed to become a Wine Master by following these four steps.

I opened a bottle of Montes Classic Series 2008 Cabernet Sauvignon that was in my wine bar, I think I may have bought it on discount from somewhere, and poured myself a glass. It had an angel on the bottle and looked fancy.

Step 1: Swirl
I swirled the glass but it was really full so I didn't get the effect I was looking for. The color of the wine is a rich rouge and it has very little leg on it. Again that may be due to the size of the glass.

Step 2: Sniff
With my honker that isn't a problem. The smell is acidic in nature with a slightly subtle hint of rubbing alcohol to it.
Step 3: Taste
Wine in my mouth. Yep, that is wine. Just kidding. I took a sip and let the wine hit all parts of my tongue. The acid makes the tip tingle and the back of my throat burn. Clearly this was discount wine as it leaves my tongue with that burned feeling that makes you know your taste buds have met their match.

Step 4: Spit
Fuck That! I don't spit out alcohol and anyone who says you should is a stupid ass piece of poop that smells like patchouli and looks like Chelsea Clinton. Sorry, Chelsea. You aren't attractive.

Well, I guess I still have about half a bottle to finish off of this fantastic year in wine. I suppose I should have eaten something first but....zzzzzzzz.

TBWCYL Day 335 - If I was invisible

It is not easy becoming invisible. Unlike the movies, there is no elixir you can drink to make you see through. I was tasked with being as invisible as possible today and did my best to avoid people and make myself as unnoticeable as possible.

I started the process by avoiding carpool. I drove myself in and home so as not to talk to my coworker. My office has two doors and I shut one of them fully and the other partially to make people think I needed to be left alone which ended up working better than I thought possible.

We are in the middle of recruiting season which causes us to have to interview upcoming graduates pretty regularly and today was one of those days. Thus, I couldn't stay hidden all day. I had to participate in some of the interview process which blew my cover for invisibleness.

I went to lunch and huddled in the corner of the Subway and read with my back to the restaurant. When I was leaving I thought, "If the police came and asked if they anyone had seen me, the people would say 'no'" Mission accomplished!

I must have been doing something right because after lunch one of my coworkers came by my desk and asked, "Where have you been all day?" Pretty good huh?

The rest of the day I got pulled into a few things and didn't get the transparency I was looking for but I was still invisible enough throughout the day to feel like this is one in the win column.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, November 30, 2009

TBWCYL Day 334 - Flower Power

My task today scared my mother. I was supposed to send her Roses today but she isn’t that big a fan so I chose a different bouquet and was getting ready to send it to her when I thought about it and decided to call and make sure she was at work today. She answered and the conversation went like this.

T: Hey, are you at work today?
M: Yes. Why?
T: I am sending you something and wanted to make sure you were there today. It’s for my task.
M: Oh God!
T: Don’t worry. It is a nice surprise.

So, I ordered the arrangement and made sure to have it delivered today. I included an apology for missing Thanksgiving on the card. Around lunch my mom called me back and I assumed it was to say thank. I was wrong.


M: Hey, do I need to be here for this deliver?
T: No. As long as someone is there to receive it you don’t.
M: You are really scaring me with this. I don’t want to go to lunch.
T: Mom, it isn’t a scary surprise. It’s a nice surprise.
M: OK. I just didn’t want to go to lunch if I needed to be here.
T: No, you can go and maybe when you get back you will have a nice surprise.

I waited again and laughed at the idea that a nice gift from a son to his mother would cause the recipient such angst. At 3 p.m. she called me back.

M: Hi, thanks for the flowers.
T: See, I told you it wasn’t scary. Do they look good?
M: Yeah, I am trying to figure out what they are. Tulips?
T: Yeah, tulips and pine is what it was called.
So, I scared my mom and then she got flowers instead. What would candy have done?

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, November 29, 2009

TBWCYL Day 333 - Getting to First Base

I was told to take myself on a date today. Now, I will say that if I had to go on a forced date then taking myself is probably the best case scenario. Now, what to do on my date?

T: The date started out fine. I picked him up at 11:30 and we headed to the movie theatre. I picked Julie and Julia since I wanted a feel good movie.
T: He picked me up with 1o minutes until the movie started. I couldn't believe how rude that was and the worst part was the cheapskate took me to the $1 theatre. Who does that?
T: The movie went well. I liked it and thought it was pretty cute.
T: He chose a seat with a broken chair so I had to sit left of center to the theatre, which I hate.
T: After the movie a buzzkill appeared. My old lady called during the movie and I had the phone on silent but I was pretty sure he heard the buzzing. I called Diana while walking out of the theatre and I could tell it upset him.
T: What the hell!?! We were on a date, a shitty one but still, and he talks to his wife? I couldn't believe it. The only good thing I heard was we were going to eat which sounded great to me.
T: I told Diana I was going to go eat but I realized I hadn't gotten a haircut so I revised my plan and took my date to the SportsClips to get purdy for my date. I was pretty happy with the result.
T: That son of a bitch took me to a freakin' hair cutting place. How is that a date? The cheap bastard! I couldn't believe it. And the worst part was he didn't take me to eat. He said he wasn't hungry. What about me? What if I was hungry?
T: I couldn't tell if the date went well or not. I was hoping for a hand job or something but when I told him I was going to have to get home it seemed unlikely.
T: Never again!

So, I guess when you date yourself it isn't as cut and dry as it could be. Who knew?

That is all,

Newt

Saturday, November 28, 2009

TBWCYL Day 332 - Numbers

Greeting me this morning as my task was a page that requested I fill out all of the important numbers in my life. Things such as Phone, Address, Birthday etc. I filled it out but as you can imagine I can't put it up on the web. I also didn't write the full credit card numbers it asked for. If that book fell into the wrong hands I would be cooked.

I don't know if the makers of This Book Will Change Your Life were just thoughtful in putting these easy tasks near a holiday or if it was coincidence but it has been nice to have a few days of simple tasks.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 331 - R&R

I get a day off. Yippee. The Book was kind to me and gave me a day of rehabilitation. Since I didn't have anything to do and was actually off from my day job, I pulled an extra shift up at Titan Comics. By 7 I was wiped. I guess my day off was more exhausting than it was meant to be.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 330 - Hike it up

Well, Thursday was Thanksgiving and I didn't blog because I was on the house putting lights on it. We did a thing that Dallas has called the Turkey Trot which just means we got up early and went down with a ton of other Dallasites and walked around downtown to benefit the YMCA.

My task for Thursday was to pick up a hitchhiker. There are all of these stories about murderous hikers and such but I think the majority of people aren't bad so I wouldn't be adverse to picking up a hiker. However, two things stopped me. 1: I didn't see any hitchhikers and so I couldn't pick one up and2: Diana would kill me if I picked up a hitcher.

So, task tried and failed.

Nothing to be thankful for that day.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

TBWCYL Day 329 - Pucker Up

Imagine the most intimate kiss your lips could achieve. Was it passionate? Warm? Was there feeling in it?

Well, I had to kiss a part of someones body today that had never been kissed before. Now think of everywhere you have ever been kissed and tell me what is left. Go on? Where have you not been kissed before?

See, I gave this some thought before doing this task and the problem is you have to consider a persons life. Sure there are a few places you can guarantee kisses to have landed but the problem is you must consider one variable in kissing that most might not, The Parents. Parents kiss their babies everywhere. "Oh, these are the cutest toes I just want to eat them, numnumnum. Oh that is the cutest elbow ever, kissy kissy." The list goes on and on.

That's why I made sure to go for somewhere I know my wife has never been kissed and that is her butt crack. Don't get all sick on me, it was clean. I actually saw her wash it as I sat on the edge of the tub while she was in the shower this morning to be sure. Diana has a small birthmark right where her cheeks part and after she had toweled off this morning I made her stand in front of me as I gave her a "Wmack" right at the beginning of her coin slot.

She wouldn't let me post a pic of the area.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 328 - Whats a Motto? Nothing, Whats a motto with you?

Ah the Lion King. Such a great movie. And speaking of Mottos, I chose one to live by yesterday from The Book. I read them all carefully and decided on the one below.

Aut Vincam Aut Periam
Either Win or Perish

I think it adds a fighting spirit into things and makes sense for me as when I go for something I have a tendency to over commit and go balls to the wall on things. Thus the game night of 2008 when I made my friends boyfriend quit playing a game after badgering him because we were losing. Yes, he was my partner in the game but he wasn't using his mind correctly to extrapolate the info I was sending him. Taboo can be a very competitive game.

I looked it up to make sure The Book wasn't pulling my chain and found that it is the official motto for the the Pursell clan.

Origin: Irish
Coat of Arms: Gold with a cross between four black boars heads.
Crest: An arm holding a sword on which there is a black boar's head.
Motto: Aut vincam aut periam

That is kind of cool.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, November 23, 2009

TBWCYL Day 327 - the Other Woman

I kissed another woman today. It was first thing this morning and I saw her and couldn't resist. Diana, please forgive me but The Book demanded it of me and I am so close to finishing it that I had to do it.


Today was 'Love Mother Earth' day and I was tasked with kissing good ole Mother Earth so I ran outside today and gave her a big wet one. She is a sloppy kisser because my face was covered in dew when I lifted it. Maybe that is the KY lube of dear M.E. I hadn't thought about it til now but if you think of the Earth as one giant lady part and the grass is her...well, her grass then maybe the Earth just gets turned on in the morning and that is why it is so wet.

I wonder what my neighbors think of me.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 326 - DIY at home

Christmas Season is upon us and I am a Nazi about putting Christmas lights on my house. For the last 2 years I have braved my roof and, clip by clip attached my LED lights to the shingles in the most perfect way I can. If something moves I go back up and fix it.

My task today was to do some simple Do It Yourself stuff around the house so I decided it was time to test the lights and make sure I had strands that were working and ready to go for the upcoming task of lighting the house. In all I have three strands of 50 feet of lights that are wrapped on plastic wheels.

As my DIY I plugged in all three strands and tested to make sure we were ready and from the looks of it they all came on so it appears that Thursday or Friday depending on weather, I will be getting on the house for my yearly ritual.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 325 - Ballet

I had to learn a ballet move today and I chose one I had a chance of pulling off. My frame is not one built for ballet. My 6 feet and 240 lbs don't make for the most graceful of moves so I had to do a beginners step.

I don't recall the one I chose but it had something to do with standing with crossed feet and then jumping in the air. It wasn't too difficult but I felt kind of funny doing it.

Maybe I should have stretched first.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, November 20, 2009

TBWCYL Day 324 - Photo fun

Look at this picture. What do you see? The task for today was to study this photo and write and send my interpretation to the fine folks at This Book Will Change Your Life (max 100 words).


Here is what I came up with. I am emailing this to them as well.


What happens when a sausage gets judged to be un-bunworthy? In the case of this sausage, it gets shunned and forced to sit in the window, watching its love, The Bun, get eaten without it. Their love was like that of Romeo and Juliet, to live apart would be unbearable. Poor sausage! Why must you only stare at your reflection in the glass instead of embracing oblivion at the teeth of death? Why were you judged unworthy and cast aside? Is that a tear on your skin or just left over hot dog water? Woe is Sausage.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 323 - Cold Showers ahead

This stupid book is cruel. Just days ago it told me I had to take a cold shower as part of Discipline Day and the next thing I know, Day 323 rolls around and lo and behold, I am supposed to do it again. This time it is the only thing for the task but I didn't much care for doing it when I did it before so I wasn't looking forward to it.

We had another kickball game and The Good, The Bad, And the Ballzy won a second game, this time against Where My Pitches At?. Afterward, I came home and decided now was the perfect time for the shower. I flipped the water to cold, hesitated for an instant, and dove into the stall and while my nipples tried to shoot out.

This time it wasn't as bad, I am assuming because my body was warmed up from physical activity. I stayed in for about 4 minutes and rinsed the game off of me. Kickball isn't very active but there is a bit of running and some throwing so it can be slightly physical.

The shower was not unrefreshing and I cooled off which made getting in bed much easier because it meant I didn't lay there sweating trying to adapt to the bedroom temp. All in all a much better experience from last time.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

TBWCYL Day 322 - What a set of headlamps

For today I was supposed to commit the features of my most cherished love one to memory. Since Jessica Alba is a face you can't forget, I decided I would make sure my wife's features were locked into memory. Here is a graphic representation of her best features. Ironically, she left town today so I wasn't even able to really see her this morning before she departed.



First of note are her eyes. They are the color of poop and even though they aren't as pretty as mine, they are still nice to look into.

She also has nice teeth which were formed by years of metal and rubber bands pushing them to look like that. She even has a permanent retainer. It makes her smile work well with her mouth.

Her boobs are...wait. Stop looking at my wife's boobs!!! Those are mine, er I mean hers and you shouldn't be looking at them even though that shirt does push them out nicely. I must say I enjoy them immensely.

She also has a nice butt so I look at that but didn't get a chance to single it out in a picture.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

TBWCYL Day 321 - Bond, Post Bond

I was supposed to post bail for someone today that had committed a pointless crime but just didn't have money to get themselves out. Well, I looked into this and couldn't find anyone that fit that description.

I live in Lewisville, Texas and the City of Lewisville is kind enough to post our criminals and their bonds on the website. However, I don't really want any of these dumb asses back out on the streets.

Three of these are detained with immigration, some have FAIL MAINTAIN FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY which I assume means they bounced checks or had no insurance, and some have theft.

My favorite was this one. He got cited with a bunch of stuff but I love that the cop wanted to stick him with everything including Squealing Tires. Who gets that ticket? A dumb ass that's who.


So, I guess I failed in bailing someone out today. I did due diligence in looking for someone but none of these people deserved it. I was really hoping I could find a jaywalker in jail and save him. Drat.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, November 16, 2009

I'm not a doctor so don't expect me to have patience

I consider myself to be an impatient person sometimes. I am aware of this but try to keep my cool and my head when I get frustrated. Yesterday was not a day where that happened. You see, the new Super Mario Brothers for Wii came out on Sunday and I rushed to Best Buy to get it. I love Mario and when I saw this game was not a 3D fest that the last few were, I knew I had to have it.


When I got home I made a giant mistake. It went like this, "Diana, do you want to play?" You see, the game is up to 4 players and even though my wife doesn't play video games, this was one I thought she could handle since it is a flat screen, run and jump game and not a first person shooter or a 3D world. She got her nunchuck plugged in and we went through a small training on buttons and use and were off on our adventure.

Women in general are not meant to play video games. I know this. Why I decided that yesterday I would put myself through an hour of torture is beyond me. Things started pretty badly, Diana was Luigi and decided instead of walking she would jump everywhere like a hyperactive cricket. I said "walk" and she bounced over my head and would die. I said run and jump, she crouched and then died and wondered what happened.

I tried to be patient, growing pains on any new game are guaranteed until you figure out movement and game play, but when your wife keeps jumping around and either getting you killed or making you run out of time thus causing you to lose, well, I snapped. By the end I was speaking loudly, I still contend it wasn't yelling, as she just slouched in her chair and laughed at how badly she was...which didn't help. I told her she couldn't play anymore and took the controller.

Megan, my kinda sister-in-law was there and she tried playing. Though she was better, she still wasn't good and I gave her half-an-hour before telling her to give me her remote. She caused me to die so many times I finally was at my breaking point. After ditching the dead weight I was twice as fast and effective and was able to beat the first world in a couple of hours.

I will contend that there are women who can game, many in fact. But the vast majority are useless when it comes to helping a brother out by bouncing on his head to get the giant coin that is too far up in the air. Also, the words, "I get the buttons confused" when there are only four of them is...well you might as well go get me an "I'm with Stupid" shirt because that shit is retarded.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 320 - You're Welcome

No need to thank me, your comments are thanks enough. What am I talking about? You don't know? Oh, well today's task was to make sure I leave this world having left something behind to be remembered by. And you're reading it.

I started this blog as a joke. For anyone who has ever wondered about the name, Newt the Wonder Frog was a nickname my father gave me when I was younger but I have no idea if it has any other meaning. Since my dad is a huge jokester, I thought it fitting to use the name as the title for my blog.

I actually began this as a burn on my wife and my best friend because they both started blogs and I thought I would make fun of them for it. Little did I know I would be the one to rocket off and become a huge blogger while they post randomly and without any passion. Thomas, who I won't even link to because he hasn't posted in months, will occasionally get serious about his blog and ask for ideas then follow it up with two posts and silence for months before starting the cycle over. Diana, my wife, does post sporadically but is more analytical in nature and her blog lives on the side of real life, normally ours.

I can say that unless I become something more important than what I am in terms of my job, I doubt I will be writing a memoir of my life in printing. Instead, I put my life out there, its crazy thoughts mixed with a bit of what I find funny and topped off with my spin on things. I don't claim it is always good or even necessary but it is here and I have written over 700 posts, which just blows my mind sometimes.

I don't hold back on this blog, I am proud to say. I write what I think and don't censor things very often, which I can't say is unique on the blogosphere. I do risk a lot by putting my name on here but I throw caution to the wind and hope no future employer ever Googles me before an interview or I would have some explaining to do.

So, I count my blog as the thing I will leave behind. If it makes someone laugh occasionally or brightens someones day, then I am making a small impact on the world. If not, then at least I get the crazy down on screen instead of leaving it in my head, which is probably safer.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 319 - Suburban Commando

I didn't wear underwear yesterday. Ewwww. I went commando all day and it was kind of weird.

My day started with a trip to the gym before showering. I didn't start commando until after my shower because I didn't want my ripe ass to get sweaty and not have boxers on. It would have just been cruel to take my swamp ass and sit on a crunch machine, every crunch spreading my cheeks and letting stink permeate the leather seat.

After showering I made a decision to wear shorts because if I wore jeans I would have ended up with chafing on the end of my peter. I don't think girls are aware of this but a pair of blue jeans rub oddly against a naked phallus and it causes the pee slit to redden and become uncomfortable. Cloth shorts do not cause this.

All day I avoided strenuous activity for fear of sweating and causing a wet spot to appear on my shorts. I did venture out to Best Buy for a few minutes but aside from that, I spent the majority of my day sitting in my chair. I was highly aware of my body during this time.

When I went to pee I was extra careful to shake vigorously as to not have a pee spot when I tucked back in. I was also more aware of zippers but no harm came to me and for that I am thankful.

I ended the night by sleeping naked, which is something I never do. As silly as it may sound, I am always afraid I will wet the bed if I sleep naked. I worry that since I pull my penis out of my shorts to pee, that the penis expects that if it is outside of clothing it has free reign to pee when it wants to. I haven't had an accident yet but I live in mortal terror that one day I will. I fear the day when he becomes self aware.

Now I'm freeeeeeeee!!!!!! Free ballin'!

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, November 15, 2009

TBWCYL Day 318 - Dicipline Day

So, as a direct opposite from Friday, Saturday was Discipline Day. Taking the stance of a crazy pierced German with a whip, I was given instructions to maintain self discipline all day long.

Imagine the German is here to keep me in check.
Rise at Dawn: Ja
Take a cold shower: Ja, I did this and it was awful. I felt like I was sitting in ice and it kind of hurt
Scrub behind ears: Ja, they are clean
Scrub between toes: Ja, my tootsies are clean
Brush teeth for 3 minutes: Ja, Minty fresh
floss: shit, I forgot this one. Oh no, the crazy German is cracking the whip
cut your toenails: Sir, yes sir.
take your medicine: I don't have medicine as I am healthy
Jog 5 miles: I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical at the gym
Tighten your belt: It is one notch more than usual...and is kind of tight
Straighten your tie: my T-Shirt doesn't have a tie
Eat your sprouts: Nein, no sprouts were served
Say "please" and "thank you": 'Bitten' and 'Danke' were used all day
Look people in the eye: I worked at the comic shop all day and did this
Sit up straight: I stood all day
Be in bed by 10 pm: Sorry, there was a Texas Tech game on and I had to wait until 11. Please don't hit me.
Repeat every day: Nein! I will not do this. I refuse.

Well, I kicked the German out after I realized he was just in the leather and whips because he is a sexual deviant but I did hold myself to a decent amount of the rules. I also worked out my muscles at the gym as part of a work out routine and ate healthy at lunch and breakfast.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 317 - Indulge me

It was Indulgence Day on Friday and, within means, I was allowed to indulge myself. I did this in a few ways that weren't too over the top but still nice.

First, I wore jeans to work when I wasn't told I could. I used the excuse that I was going to work in the warehouse but that never happened.

I took a long lunch. A coworker and I went to Chick-fil-a which may not sound like much but in actuality is a pretty big deal since we have a 15 minute drive to get there. After eating we went to buy cookies for the office and I proceeded to eat 4.

I left work an hour early. It was slow and I purposely carpooled with someone who I knew had to leave at 4.

I drank a $60 bottle of wine from our Napa trip. It was a 2006 Round Pond Cabernet Sauvignon and it was delicious. We also opened a second 2006 from the Frank Family Vinyard that was equally good.

I also went a little crazy on ebay bidding on things I shouldn't but I didn't care since I was indulging myself.

Se la vie,

Newt

Friday, November 13, 2009

TBWCYL Day 316 - Ad-noxious

See what I did there with the title of the post? That is because yesterday I counted every ad I saw or was inundated with via the web. Armed with my handy notepad and pen, I ticked off the page while driving. I forgot to count the radio and TV ads but I can guess-timate that number. In total I had a combined 119 banner ads, billboards, and junk emails. I spent about an hour and a half in the car and switch stations a lot so I only probably heard about 20 radio commercials and only watched bar TV which is all sports or in-house games so I may have seen 10 more to add to the count.

So, with around 150 ads seen or heard yesterday I had to pick one and deface it. Billboards were out and I can't deface a radio commercial but luck was with me last night and I got a good opportunity to fight advertising. First off, we had our second kick ball game last night at 7:00 pm and The Good, The Bad, and The Ballsy(my team) beat Dicken's Cider 5 to 3; they say nothing beats Dicken's Cider but apparently that isn't true. After our loss last week to Respect My Balls it was good to have a game that was successful.

After each game we go to the Dyer Street Bar in Dallas and drink with the rest of the teams. There is karaoke(we sang 'Hero' by Enrique Iglesias), cheap pitchers, and free hot dogs. Last night, the good people of Samuel Adams Ale were out passing out free Boston Lager in Samuel Adams glasses. This was the most blatant form of advertising I had seen all day and to punish them for being so transparent about it, I stole the glass. To be more precise, my teammate stole the glass for me by putting it in her purse but it was my idea.

Behold my trophy for screwing over an advertiser.


That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

TBWCYL Day 315 - Doctor, Doctor give me the news

How good is my doctor? Well, I don't really have one of those so when it came time to challenge my doctor with random symptoms I had to do what thousands of other Americans do and turn to the Internet, specifically Web M.D. Can it diagnose me? We shall see.


Test no. 1: What do you have when when you present a large growing lump in stomach, hair loss and bleeding from the anus?

Test 2: groaning, sound drunk: That one wasn't possible to do in the Web M.D. but if it was I would guess I would be hungover.

Test 3: mushy left eye, liver is palpitating, belly button aching. Again this was without any visible choices. Even I have no idea what the heck this one would mean. I would guess my eye is falling out, my button is opening up, and I am not sure what palpitating is so I can't even make a guess as to that.

Hell, I guess I am a doctor now.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

TBWCYL Day 314 - Smile!

Today take a truely memorable picture.


I bought Diana flowers a few days ago and they were sitting on the mantle next to a picture from our wedding. I took a few shots and played with them a little to get this.

So I took a picture of a truly memorable day.

That is all,

Newt

Monday, November 09, 2009

TBWCYL Day 313 - Riddle me this Bat-Man

I was supposed to be able to email a question to the makers of This Book Will Change Your Life but again the website has failed me. I do have a question though so I will ask it here and see if anyone can answer it.

"Over 300 days in and I am getting close to the end of this massive experiment. So, what next? What do I do when this is over? I don't want another daily project but I like the challenges that came with this thing. Maybe I can challenge myself in the future but I don't know. What do I do?"

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, November 08, 2009

TBWYCL Day 312 - Write about now

I had an interesting task today. Pick a letter and write it on a page and just begin writing whatever you think of. I find I can be more creative when I have an iced tea and fluorescent lighting in a fast food booth so I went to my safe place at the Whataburger and took my composition notebook, and here is what I got.

The shake more closely resembles chocolate flavored sand then milk. It is cold as it hits the tongue before dispersing with the heat of the mouth and melting. There is a chill to the shop, five degrees cooler than it should be in an effort to stop patrons and bums from taking up permanent residence in a booth to take advantage of the free refill policy. The smell of bleach rises from the tables as they dry to a sticky film.
The Collective meets every Sunday, except on holiday if their kids are visiting or on two different occasions when medical issues kept one of them from attending. Maurie and Clifton started the Collective 17 years ago. Both had retired and on the first Sunday they didn't have to work, they each went to breakfast at The Punch Buggie and after an incident involving hot coffee and shared love of blueberry pie, they became friends.
Clifton had joined Maurie at his table and as they got up to leave, the waitress asked, "Did you solve all the world's problems?" Clifton said, "Not yet but we knocked out a few" and Maurie added, "There's always next week."
In 17 years they had only solved a mixture of the New York Times Sunday Puzzle, the punchlines to half a dozen dirty jokes, and what the doctors really meant when they said things were 'fine' which meant 'fine for now.'
James joined the Collective about a year after it formed. His wife passed away a week before and after running through the bread, milk, and the last of the potted meat he finally ventured out of the house and into The Punch Buggie for his first outing as a widower. After hearing a ruckus from another booth, he asked his waitress what the commotion was and she told him, "They're over there solving the world's problems".
"Do you think they could solve mine?" he asked.
"I don't know, but I bet they'd be willing to try. Hey dumb butts! You want some company?"
"Only if you mean you" Maurie replied.
Somehow James was invited over, he always suspected to settle a bet, and the two became three.

Today they were tackling slow drivers.
"What we need are pods," Clifton explained. "They would have computers in them, and you would just say where you wanted to go. Then it would link onto a track and, using a giant computer, it would know how to get you there fastest and then you just sit back and read the paper or play with yourself or whatever."
He looked over at Maurie when saying the last bit. It was a running joke between the three men that one of them was the smart one, one the lucky one, and one just played with himself all the time.
Maurie grinned at him and began to play devil's advocate. "So you're in your pod and you're going along. What happens when you have a heart attack?" His hand reached for his chest as if reliving the event of six months ago. "Would it know to take you to a doctor?"
"I suppose it could, or there could be an emergency button you hit that automatically reroutes you. With these new computers anything is possible. What do you think James?"
James sat in the corner of the booth looking over at the register. A new girl had started that caught his eye and the boys knew it.

"James, pull your head out of your ass!" Clifton's gravelly voice snapped him out of the daze and brought him back to reality. "She's 30 years younger than you, you old pervert."
"A guy can dream can't he? If Hefner can do it, I don't see why I can't."
"I'm gonna guess it has to do with your shrivelled pecker and your empty wallet," chimed in Maurie. "She wouldn't give you the time of day."
"Yeah, you're right," said James, "I guess I will just have to go back to playing with myself," which caused the three men to bust into a cackle that drew the attention from the entire restaurant, including the cashier.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 311 - Grave Side Service

I don't often find myself standing in a cemetery on a Saturday morning but today was out of the ordinary. Sometimes these tasks are stupid, sometimes funny, and occasionally they are serious and that is where today's falls.

I got up early yesterday morning and headed to the store to buy flowers...to put on the grave of a person I don't know. I had found a local cemetery in the area that I never knew was there. It sits on the grounds of a small church and is the size of a large back yard. It is so unimpressive in stature that I drove past it twice before finding it.

It was a saddening experience in a way. Not knowing anyone there it still made me uneasy to be on the grounds. I grabbed my small bouquet of yellow flowers and walked to the grave least tended to and started to feel like this was exactly the grave I was meant to see. Inside a hoop of rusted metal sat a single headstone. It was covered in leaves and weeds were sprouting out of the ground all around it. This cemetery wasn't a regal place, mostly dirt covering the ground, so the little tufts of green were easily visible.

I began to read the inscription on the stone and my body started to warm. Whoever this person was, they had a sense of humor about them. As I read the inscription,(see below) I couldn't help but think that the person who wrote it wanted to make sure their family didn't mourn them; wanted them to know it was OK to live life.



In case it can't be read:
LET NO TEAR ADORN YOUR CHEEK.
NO HEARTACHE FILL YOUR BREAST,
AS YOU STAND HERE IN THIS QUIET PLACE
WHERE I NOW LAY AT REST.
GO BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE
BEFORE MY GRAVE YOU CAME TO VIEW
REMEMBER, THIS WAS YOUR WORLD,
I WAS JUST PASSING THROUGH.
R. L. A.

I was surprised at how fitting this was to find while visiting a person I didn't know for a task from a book that they had never read.

I wandered around a little and when walking back I found I had been looking at the back of the grave stone. While all other stones had been facing the same direction, R. L. A. had been buried the opposite or the stone had been put in backwards, I don't know which.

R. L. A. was actually Robert Leslie Allen of the U.S. Navy. Born 1941 and died 1988. Before moving the flowers to the right side of his grave, I used the left over cellophane wrapper to scrape the moss off of his headstone and knock off the bird droppings. I whispered thanks for the words of wisdom and the service to our country and then got in my truck and left.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 310 - Egomaniacal no more

Friday was a day where I was meant to put my own ego aside and think of others and that is just what I did. A few days ago a co-worker asked for my help in the realm of comic books and I used today to put aside my own problems and help him.

He has a nephew that is 10 and is a big fan of comic books. He reads them when he can and has a "finger quotes" collection "end finger quotes". I put that in because he really only has a few but he is working on it, and just as I was a tadpole so to is he, and his will one day grow into a real collection. That is where I came in.

My co-worker knows nothing about comics outside of what he has seen at the movies so he enlisted me to find the perfect present for a 10 year old comic book fan. Working at a comic book store allows for a lot of extra knowledge on younger audiences so I sat down on ebay and began searching for what I think he would like the best. I actually spent a good couple of hours of downtime plugging away at this. I still haven't found exactly what to get but I have a budget and until Christmas to get something so I am not worried.

And I know that when he hands his nephew whatever it is He will be a hero and I am happy to help him. Take that Ego! You beautiful bastard!

That is all,

Newt

Friday, November 06, 2009

TBWCYL Day 309 - If I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars)

"If I had a million dollars
(if I had a million dollars)
I would buy you a monkey
(haven't you always wanted a monkey?)"

Well, I was supposed to pretend to be a millionaire yesterday but I was having a crappy day and didn't feel as up to this as usual. Honestly this entire week has been one giant turd with sprinkles on top. Aside from Wednesday where it was Super Comic Book Day*, I have pretty much despised this entire week.

But I am not going out without a fight and went and tried to live like a millionaire to the best of my ability. Sadly this meant:

Wearing a button down shirt instead of a polo
Eating at a nice restaurant for lunch
Eating out at a different nice restaurant at dinner
Eating $100,000 dollar chocolate bar...sort of.

Since I have a very small chance of ever being a millionaire, I decided I would use some ingenuity to at least put $1 Million in my pocket. So, after my kickball game last night I hit the local CVS and bought 10, count 'em, 10 100 Grand chocolate bars. Then I ate one which means I ate $100 thousand dollars.


Only us millionaires can do that.

That is all,

Newt

*Super Comic Book Day is the day where not only do I get regular Wednesday comics from my comic shop but I also get my monthly order of comics from a website I buy from. I run on that high all day long.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

TBWCYL Day 308 - Health Meter at 3 hearts

I gave myself a physical today. My nuts are free of lumps, other than the regular ones, my boobs are also lump free, and my prostate was free of painful swelling...at least before the exam.

I was able to read the eye exam in The Book and my urine was also in the acceptable range for color. Slightly yellowish brown made it. I tested my heart rate after some regular activity which brought it to around 90 beats per minute. The Book said resting was 50 beats a minute and strenuous activity was 100-200 so that seems like normal.

I didn't test my sperm count because I don't have a microscope. I can say that it hasn't changed color or smell in all the years I have been producing it so that seems like a good sign.

After a few tries I was able to get my reflexes to spurt out. I used an ashtray to hit my shins which might be the reason it took more than one try.

I am the picture of health.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

TBWCYL Day 307 - Well that was random

While driving to work I counted the buses I saw. There were 7.

At lunch I went and bought 7 candy bars, 3 Snickers and 4 Bags of M&Ms.

I handed out all of the M&Ms and 1 of the Snickers to people throughout the day.

I wrote down what they told me in response to the free candy.

I put the words into envelopes and sealed them.

I opened up the White Pages and picked 5 names at random and addressed the envelopes and mailed them.

Here is what 5 random people will receive.






That is all,

Newt

Monday, November 02, 2009

TBWCYL Day 306 - Every Vote Matters

I have mailed this to Mr. Obama. After the 2000 election debacle it was deemed this is necessary.


I also voted for a best teacher in Dallas today so I am a voting fool today.
That is all,

Newt

Sunday, November 01, 2009

TBWCYL Day 305 - Unsung Heroes

Today I am supposed to highlight an unsung hero and I can't think of a better person to highlight then Lola Lakely.

Lola is a fellow blogger that somehow or other I got connected to and I love her. She is my unsung hero for so many reasons. First off she is the living embodiment of Jessica Rabbit and is one of the only red heads I can say I find attractive. She is also certifiably crazy.

Read her bio of herself and tell me she isn't loony toons. She is a 14 year old frat boy with an alcohol fixation and commitment issues. For example, she has rules for dating that would give any psychoanalyst a thesis to kick start their career.

  1. Never see the same person two weekends in a row.
  2. Once you've made a date with someone on a weekend, make sure you relegate him/her to a weeknight next time.
  3. Leave Saturdays for meeting new people.
  4. Don't hook up with your friends. This only leads to feelings. Yuck.
  5. If you are too drunk to drive and must sleep over, make sure you leave before breakfast the next morning.
  6. Never, ever go to a wedding with someone you are dating.
  7. This one should be blatantly obvious but just in case- No meeting families. EVER.
She is also good for a laugh as she weekly goes out and does things that are not only ridiculous but also humorous. I would link to those posts but it is about half of her blog. She is the first to admit this and writes about it often.

Beware introducing your boyfriend to her as she steals them like I steal hearts. Her reputation is pretty sketchy on this front.

Now, as to why she is my unsung hero: she is not afraid to risk life and limb for a laugh. Anyone who does that is in the hero category automatically, hence the Spider-Man obsession. She drunk texts, she wakes up with paint in her hair and doesn't know where it came from, and she has a reputation with the local restaurants and convenience stores that know her by name.

She is my hero,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 304 - Party Octopus

As you may know, I am a comic book junkie. I love them in all aspects, from the flashy stories to the insanely unrealistic costumes and body types. I read every genre available but I focus mostly on super heroes and specifically favor Spider-Man. I have always connected well with him.

A few weeks ago a friend and I were talking and I was discussing how you could go as Dr. Octopus (a Spider-Man foe) for Halloween. As you may also know, I am an obsessive person and once I start thinking about something, chances are I won't stop until I have figured out how to do it. So, Sunday afternoon I went to the hardware store and bought a load of supplies in which to create my own Dr. Octopus arm harness and thus have a costume. Let me be clear that I had no party to go to and no intention of wearing it on Halloween but I wanted one and I was going to build it no matter what.



As Halloween drew nearer, some friends announced that they were going to have people over and they would dress up. Eureka, I have a use for this massive thing I have built. Diana needed a costume and we determined that we could cheaply throw together a Wonder Woman outfit if we could just find a tiara, some wrist bands and a pair of red boots. Using the craftiness at my disposal we found a few things in the children's foam aisle at Michael's and I whipped out my Exacto knife and some needle and thread and presto chango, I have a super heroine for a wife.



So, to my task. I was to be the last man standing after a night of partying and with my friends that is not too difficult. We went over and had food and drinks and watched college football. Three people were down and out by 10 p.m. which left just Diana and I with the two other couples. They decided to put in 'Planet Terror' and turn the lights off which knocked out one girl and they left as the movie ended. We left shortly after them so we were officially the last couple to exit.

The couple that left before us lived about 20 minutes closer than we do so by my estimation, by the time I got home they would have been home and in bed. I can only assume my friend did the same thing by going to bed which would mean my 1 a.m. bed time got me as the winner and official "Last Man Standing".

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween. Our friend Erin has her birthday to share with All Hallows Eve and so I wish her day was especially grand.

That is all,

Newt