Thursday, July 13, 2006

The Biography of Newt

Hello all, today we delve into the psyche that is Newt the Wonder Frog. My biography is this: I am constantly trying to become something better than myself. If you don't have anything to say, Stop Talking. I just don't care!

What? Better than you already are. That is impossible you say, and I can't blame you, I am pretty terrific. Terrific is a funny word. Terrific, I like that. Anyways. I will now regale you with the Biography of Newt.

I am a six foot tall blob. I am forty pounds overweight and I am trying to get better. I have a 4o dollar a week habit that is worse than drugs because it is legal. That addiction is comic books. I am happy about 60% of the day, and the other 40 is spent at work. I constantly pick my nose. So what. Quit judging me about it. I like to stick my finger up there and dig. So sue me. I will alternate fingers to adjust for the density of a booger. And, I occasionally bring them to my mouth before I catch myself. This is like an alcoholic who almost drinks. I used to eat my boogers and it is still embedded into my mind that as soon as a finger leaves my nose, it should enter my mouth. But I do stop myself. I haven't consumed snot since 7th grade.

I am constantly trying to be funny. I will tell jokes that will make people laugh. I will also tell jokes that don't make people laugh. And when that happens, I make fun of myself because they will at least laugh at the paltry excuse for a human that is in front of them.

I love Diana. This is what really defines me. That and reading. I used to only read comics but then I discovered this lost art called books and I have never been the same. If you don't read, well SCREW YOU! It is a sad day that a book doesn't do it for you.

I hate people. Not persons, but people. Crowds make me angry. Mob mentality has never made sense to me. Think for yourselves you fudging sheep. I don't cuss much, as my last sentence shows. I want to but I don't. People are stupid. That is a fact. What one person will deem unacceptable, a group will deem acceptable. And that is just ridiculous.

I hate my fat. But I live with it. My sister makes me angry beyond comprehension. She f*#*s her life away and then expects help. This is why people make me so angry. Individualism has left the building. I am tipsy. I like to masturbate. Quit judging me. You all do it, you prudes. Stop acting holier than thou.

Humanity should probably be wiped out and we should just start over. But, as I have a disbelief in GOD, this can only happen as a natural disaster and they seem to have the bird flu under watch. So I guess I will just have to keep on going. That's what we will all do. Ride the Wave!

That is all,

Newt

8 Ripples in the pond:

Thomas said...

Wow, HLM. Interesting. You are sounding more and more like the angry old man that we talked about us both being when we retire and live next to each other and mess with the neighborhood children... and you are only 23.

Two things, though. You actually do cuss quite a bit. You may not count them as cuss words, but they are. I actually just typed one that you use in the last sentence. Look of one of the words there and remove a letter.

And the other is that I am not familiar with the acronym GOD. I know god, as in a deity, and God, the god of Abraham, Isaac & Jacob, but that is as close as I come. But the best guesses I have follow:

Guys Offer D___
Grannys Own Depends
Gobble Old Doody

Gross, I know.

I'm OOUUUTTTT!

Nat said...

You sound angry and bitter about some stuff.

Trinity said...

I never use See You Next Tuesday. How could you say that. When have I used that. I'm not saying it hasn't been said, but that is a word I do not frequently use. And I don't cuss that much, really. I throw out and Ass or Shite every once and a while, but all in all I have a clean vocabulary.

Thomas said...

I'm just glad you caught that.

Anonymous said...

So Trinity, you have listed all of your loves, hates, wishes, your dos and your don'ts, but what are your beliefs, what makes you who you are?

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