Thursday, April 30, 2009

TBWCYL Day 120 - Money Money Money Money, NO MONEY?

So, today I was not allowed to spend any money. Alas, this is difficult because I had to fly to Midland and drive to Roswell, New Mexico for a funeral. So, I started today by eating breakfast at home, not stopping for an Ice Tea on the way in to work, and consistently saying, "Don't Spend Money".

I did have to set a few ground rules for today:

- First, if I have already spent money(i.e. gasoline or plane fare) then that is not considered spending. So, by driving anywhere that isn't a violation of the rule.
- Second, if someone buys me something, I am not spending money either. My personal bank account started the day at 146.53 and that is how it ended. I also have $8 in cash that didn't leave the wallet.

For eating, I packed my lunch and dinner for today because I had to go straight to the airport from work. I rode to lunch and ate free chips and water while the rest of my coworkers ate real food. I had a 5:30 pm flight to Midland where my parents were kind enough to meet me and I got in a car and drove to Roswell.

A side note. I didn't actually pay for my flight. My mother-in-law was kind enough to give me a free flight that she had. Also, my father put gas in the car so I was completely payment free.

The drive to Roswell was interesting and it took all I had not to buy a drink for the ride. My Pops was kind enough to have a bottle of water in the car so I wasn't without sustenance but it was still fairly difficult. My bank account and cash went nowhere.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

TBWCYL Day 119 - Siesta

Today's task came with a prop. The book is particularly fond of giving me things to help with my tasks so today I had to get a door hanger out of the book, via a photocopy, and hang it on my door at work. It said the following:

HI: I am currently experimenting with the concept of siesta. Therefore any issues, no matter how important, will have to wait to be brought before me between the hours of 11am and 3pm. If I like this I will start doing it every day. PS: A light lunch would be great when I wake up.

So, I put it up and shut the door for part of the day. I left it on the door but no one seemed to notice it, or they didn't care. Oh well.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

TBWCYL Day 118 - Caught Red Handed

SNOOPER ALERT!
Dear Reader,
I know you are snooping in my Book, you have had guilt written all over your stupid face for the past few weeks, this is what I think of you if you really must know:

I'm probably supposed to write some scathing stab at how you are invading my privacy and should mind your own business but I invited everyone in here and I am glad if you are enjoying what I am doing.

Now get your nose out of it and mind your own sorry business in the future.
That is all,

Newt

Monday, April 27, 2009

TBWCYL Day 117 - I wanna talk about ME!!!

Today I was self indulgent. For today was Me day. I was to take care of me above all else. Oh yeah, now that's what I'm talking about. So, I went to work today as usual but at lunch, instead of a Roast Beef sandwich, which is my normal fare, I took myself to Whataburger. Not that it is a big treat but I love it and since today was about me, I had my favorite.

The best part of it was that I overate and had so much food that I couldn't digest it all. Do you know that feeling? The one where you eat way to much and you start burping back up food. It initiates your gag reflex and you start forcing food out. No? Well, sadly this does happen to me occasionally because I can be quite the glutton.

Anyway, I actually did puke a little and decided to use it. I mean, today is supposed to be about me so I walked straight up to my company President and said, "I just threw up." At first he thought I was kidding but when I told him I thought I might again, which I did, he told me to go home. So, I did...kinda. I decided that the best way to make me feel better was to take in a movie. I hit the dollar theatre and played 20 minutes of Mrs. Pac Man and then watched 'Gran Tarino' with Clint Eastwood.

Man that guy is looking more like a skeleton every day. The movie, however, is awesome. Then I went and played another 30 minutes of Mrs. Pac Man. God that woman is addictive.

I will say my sister tried to upstage me today. She adopted a baby a while back and today they finalized the adoption. I am happy for her and all but, jeeze, this was supposed to be my day. That is just greedy.

So, just to indulge myself even more, can you think of anyone better than me? No, I couldn't either. It is just so hard to achieve perfection and once you do, reachieving it is even more difficult. Oh how great I am.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, April 26, 2009

TBWCYL Day 116 - What? I can't hear you.

So, it is time for another 'Senseless Day' courtesy of the book. You may recall I have already gone without the sense of sight. Well, today I had to loose my sense of hearing.

Last night, before I went to bed I inserted 2 green ear plugs into my ears and slept that way. So, when I woke up this morning, I was already started on the task of not hearing. Recreating deafness is not easy and ear plugs aren't the best thing to do it but that is all I have. They block out a good majority of the noise but I can still hear Diana occasionally and the dogs barking comes through.

The weirdest part is that I can still hear everything I do. Stepping is like a bass drum going off, coughing or sneezing is like an explosion, and drinking sounds like I am pouring water down the drain.

My shower this morning was reminiscent of when you take your car through a car wash. As water rained down on my head, thoughts of sprayers hitting my windshield came to mind. It was as if all sound was being held away by the water and was slightly odd. After my shower I took the opportunity to replace the ear plugs for a fresh pair and started my day.

Diana left me to go shopping this afternoon. We both knew her being at home would hinder any chance of me getting some quite. However, around 2 she came to pick me up for lunch. We went to La Madeline, which is a restaurant chain that serves faux French food. I had a French Dip sandwich & chips and with every bite it sounded like walking heavily through gravel. I saw another man there wearing hearing aids and thought to go ask him what it is like to really be deaf. I imagine it would have gone something like this...

"Can you tell me what it is like to be deaf?"
"Wha?"
"I said, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE DEAF?"
"Wha? I am deaf. I don't udderstan' what you are saying."
"I KNOW YOU ARE DEAF. WHAT IS IS LIKE?"
Random sign language gestures.
"I DON'T KNOW SIGN LANGUAGE."
"Wha?"

Also during her absence I watched a TV show in closed caption. Can I just say that this sucks? I have been at the gym and watched TV with closed captions running but never read them. I watched something online today and the captions ran fine but the humor was lost because I was reading instead of watching. I don't know how the deaf do it.

I accompanies Diana to Target to do some shopping and wandered the store aimlessly. I didn't see anyone giving me strange looks and was able to buy a couple of shirts without any problem. We came home and read for the rest of the afternoon.

During our reading, I heard Diana yell out, "William Shatner was Captain Kirk?" I looked over at her and yelled, "DUH!" and it occurred to her that I am supposed to be deaf and she started mouthing "I'm sorry. I forgot." In which I jubilantly proclaimed, "Its a Miracle, I can hear."

I spent the remainder of the night finishing a second book, my first was finished this morning, and sitting. I took my ear buds out right before bed and as I said "Hello" for the first time, my voice sounded more like an echo than speech. I told Diana earlier that I think it wouldn't be so bad to loose my hearing but I think that is not the case. By the end of the day I have decided that it is worth more than I originally gave it credit for. Though I did get a lot of reading done today so...

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 115 - Breakin' the Law!!!

Finally, the Book does something for me. I got a free pass to break the law all day. Of course, I did have to go to Kinko's to get the entire thing mocked up, attach a picture, and have it laminated but I think it was worth it.

I worked at the comic book store today so to start really using this sucker, I jumped in the HOV lane to get to work faster. I only had myself in the truck so after not using a blinker to cross the 'don't cross' lines, I zoomed all the way. No police were around so I don't know if the card would have worked but as I was 'Above the Law' I didn't care.

Side note: I felt like such a delinquent while riding in the lane illegally. I see the people who do this and always get so disgusted with them and now I am one.

I worked all day and we met some friends for dinner afterwards. Jaywalking became my next illegal maneuver. Eat it coppers.

I also used my pass on Diana while at dinner. I said things I shouldn't have because I was 'Above the Law'. She tried to rip my card out of my hand and dented it. Bitch please. I had to hide it from her after that.

She dropped me back off at my truck on the way home. I sped a bit while heading up the freeway. I think there were quite a few drunk drivers on the way because I kept having to avoid swerving Escalades. I almost slammed into the side of one of them just to teach them a lesson. I thought better of it in the end though.

My final act of intentional mischievousness came when I was almost home. I had to stop at a red light and as no one was around I just zoomed through it. I still had an hour left on my pass and I will be damned if I was going to loose it.

I think this card is going in my wallet. There is no statute of limitations on it so I should be able to use it in a pinch. At least the arresting officer will have a good story to tell if I do.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, April 24, 2009

TBWCYL Day 114 - Bad ass Banana

I have found a new career as a tattoo artist. The book has helped me discover an inner talent I have for artistry of the body. How? Well, today I was to tattoo a banana. This is pretty simple and a cheap date if you need one. Just take one banana and a sharp object and start scraping the banana gently. After you have carved out your design, just sit it in the sun and after a while it will brown and voila.











The design I went for was a 'broken glass' motif. I wanted this tat to be convey a message. This banana should be able to walk through any grove and when a puto sees it he will say, "Damn, Ese. That Plantain has been through some shit and still walks proud."












I wanted to do a full peel tat for my first try. Go big or go home and all that. I think it turned out pretty good. I kept my hand steady and my butter knife from cutting too deep.












When this pseudostem wasn't looking, I tagged him with my signature. I got him in the belly so maybe he won't notice. But that was free advertising and I couldn't resist.


That is all,

Newt

Thursday, April 23, 2009

TBWCYL Day 113 - Brought to you by the letter F

Guess what costs $8.25 and starts with the letter F? Go on, guess. I bet you can't get it. OK, enough guessing. You weren't even close. the answer is:

One ticket to see 'The Fast and the Furious'.

Today it was deemed necessary for me to see a film that begins with the letter F. So, I got online and looked at what was available and, lo and behold, there is only 1 movie in the theatres right now that starts with F, the most recent ' The Fast and the Furious' film.

I haven't seen the first F&F or 2F2F. I also skipped out on 'Tokyo Drift' since I am not a car person and don't see much use for Vin Diesel. I mean seriously. The guy cannot act. He shows know emotion whatsoever and every line he sounds has the exact same monotone structure.

And Paul Walker is no better. Though, he has some very pretty blue eyes.

I have a confession to make. I am embarrassed to say this and will deny it if you repeat it but...I liked the movie. Ahh!! I didn't mean to but I couldn't help it. The acting was mediocre, the story followed the same plot as any Jean Claude Van Damme flick from 1994, and the overall movie should have been laughable, but it still was entertaining.

I feel dirty.

Some times it is ok to like stupid movies. How else can I justify my bad taste?

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

TBWCYL Day 112 - Happy Tree Friends

What is your family tree like? Well, today I am supposed to trace mine. So, my wife helped me by finding a Family Tree Website called My Heritage that lets you enter in info and make a family tree. It worked pretty well.

You can see mine here. It is actually pretty sad because I can't really trace much further than my grandparents. I know a few names but I am not very good about putting them in the right spots.

I also drew my family tree. You can see that below.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 111 - Mean and Keen

Sorry this is a day late, I got busy but I did the task so that is the most important thing. Yesterday's task was this: "Treat'em Mean, Keep'em Keen". What does that mean? Treat your mate like crap and see what happens.

I am so good at this that it is scary. If ticking off your spouse were an Olympic event, I would get the Gold every time...or be disqualified for unsportsmanlike conduct. I started the day off well by making some crude gestures about my genitalia and going so far as to stand naked on the counter and flap my junk in Diana's face. I thought I would get a look of disgust but instead she laughed.

I said some rude things to her through the morning and we carpooled to work, where I constantly commented about her inability to drive, you know, because she is a woman. Still I got nothin'.

We had a happy hour for her work so I threw a few little jabs at her in the car. We say a lady in a MooMoo and I told Diana I already bought her one for Christmas because at the rate she was going, she would need it by December. I really tried to lay it on thick after we left the restaurant but she still wouldn't bite. She dozed off in the car and I slammed on the breaks to scare/wake her up.

Here is the lengths I went to. Diana was naked in our room, she was changing but that isn't as impressive so I thought about leaving it out. I actually commented about how many fat rolls she had and she proceeded, with a smile, to lay out on the bed in a sexy model pose and said "How about if I do this?" At that point I gave her a wedgie and I am pretty sure it hurt. She was still pleasant.

I almost pulled out the big guns by calling her an exes name but I couldn't bring myself to stoop that low. Why is it that if I try to piss her off, she laughs but if I don't try I am as successful as can be? SERENITY NOW!!!!

That is all,

Newt

Monday, April 20, 2009

TBWCYL Day 110 - You put your left foot out

Since my foot game show didn't go over so well, I will just have to come up with a different way to tell you about getting out of bed on the left foot, as that was the second half of the foot challenge. I started successfully by getting off on the left foot. Please, please. Hold your applause.

I can't say I had a bad day but it was busy. So busy in fact that I didn't have time to check my comic book Internet sites more than twice. And that is a sign of Armageddon where I am concerned.

I went to lunch by myself so I could read and had some second rate barbecue from a chain place called Dickey's. The food is decent but not the best and I overate. So much so that I had to go throw up a little bit because a bit of meat was sitting in my esophagus when I got back to lunch. No big deal, it was just like when a baby spits up but with brisket.

I came home and went to the gym for a workout to burn off the double meat, fried okra and steak fries. The workout was good and I watched an interesting 'Attack of the Show' all about marijuana. Very funny stuff.

I tried to catch a stray dog on my way home from the grocery store and failed. This is the second time this stray has outsmarted me. He is a tiny mutt with brindle coloring and I have stopped once before to try to pick him up. He ran the last time but this time I had food and was sure I could catch him. 20 minutes later he was still taking off between houses and ignoring the slices of bread I was chucking at him.

I came home and fried some potatoes and made omelets. I wasn't too impressed with myself there either. So, I guess all in all today wasn't any better than yesterday.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, April 19, 2009

TBWCYL Day 109 - You put your right foot in

"Do you start your day out on the right foot?" This is a saying that many people may have heard but not given much thought to. Well, the Book must have given it some thought because today and tomorrow are dedicated specifically to this. So, I would like you all to meet today's contestant, Right Foot.

"In announcer voice similar to Merv Griffin"

"Right foot is originally from Midland, Texas, enjoys putting himself up on a comfortable ottoman and along with his 5 little piggies likes to kick it on the weekends. How are you doing today Mr. Right?"
"Well Chuck, I am kind of nervous."
"Now now Mr. Right. Don't get your 'socks' in a wad. Ha Ha. We have some recorded statements from Newt the Wonder Frog so lets see how you did."

Today I went to give blood and they had trouble finding the vein. This is usually not a problem so my opinion of the right foot is currently not favorable. I consistently wonder if the people who work in blood centers secretly get a little sadistic joy from having to wiggle the needle. That burning sensation underneath your skin that you feel, that isn't normal. There is now a small bruise on my inner left arm so I am sure I resemble a heroin junkie.

"Right out of the gate and you are already in the red Mr. Right."

We had a baby in our house this weekend because Diana's friends came to town and they brought their 1 year old. She is actually pretty sweet if her parents aren't around to coddle her. So, it was her nap time and for reason's that will totally be in another post, neither of her parents was available. I loaded her in the car and took her for a ride and she zonked out in minutes. I had to carry her into the house afterward and while I don't want a kid anytime soon, one of my favorite things about babies is when they nap on your shoulder.

"Nice one, Righty. Good use of a baby to gain some sympathy."

I went shopping with Diana for 3 hours.

"Bad move. All that hard work just pulled out from under you."

I found some comics that I think I can resell for a profit and watched some TV that I needed to catch up on.

"Whohoo. We are in the plus."

I watched Rachel Getting Married. I am in love with Anne Hathaway and I still vote this a Total Stinker.

"You just lost two points on that one. Should have steered Newt clear and that will cost you. Lets check the scoreboard. Well, Mr. Right it looks like you net a total of zero points. You might be able to pull out a win if the profit on those comics is larger than expected but I would have to say that starting the day out on the Right Foot is not the way to go. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"W-w-w-ell, I guess that's the agony of de-feet."

For Newt the Wonder Frog, this is Chuck Situp saying, "That is All"

Saturday, April 18, 2009

TBWCYL Day 108 - Tag, you're it

Today, I broke the law. I went and bought a can of Color Place Fast Dry Spray Paint in Hunter Green(it is the Lily Pad) and I made grafiti. I have never tagged anything before so this was a new experience to me. I was selective in my choice of target since I don't believe in destroying anyones property.

I live where there is a small, and I mean small, creek in a park behind our house. It isn't close but is within walking distance. Because of the creek, there is a large bridge and I chose to tag the underside of it.

I learned something that I had never thought of. If you are walking with a large can of spray paint in your front jeans pocket, every step you take causes that damn marble inside of the can to rattle. So, as I am walking through my neighborhood, trying not to reveal my insidious intentions, I am rattling like a broken grocery store cart and it looks like I have a King Kong sized boner riding down the left side of my leg.

I was OK for the most part until I encountered people coming out of the park. I slowed at one point to let a biker pass and as I did I saw a young Mexican couple coming over the bridge. I tried to adjust my can to become less obvious but it didn't help so I just walked around them.

I got to the bridge and made sure I was completely alone. After I slipped in the mud, trying to get under the bridge, I took a position under the bridge and took out my can. I had inteded to spray the underside of the bridge but it wouldn't work so I had to settle for a beam. Below is the final product.

This is as close to my logo as I could get. If you squint your right eye and tilt your head 10 degrees, you should see a lily pad and the letter N in the middle.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, April 17, 2009

TBWCYL Day 107 - Chatty Cathy

Today was globalization day. I was to search Internet chat rooms and make friends. I have begun using Google Talk to chat with Girl Interrupted and in doing so we have become chums. However, I couldn't use that as my chat so she was kind enough to join me in a chat room called the Wild West Saloon on a chat site called Talk City. Here are some of the people I chatted with.

oxman37 - lives in Wyoming and was doing laundry, called oxman because his last name is Oxley. Pretty sure he was an old dude. He was in a war of some kind.
Tat - has a birthday next week and doesn't drink
DarkStead_13 - pretty sure he is an alcoholic because he kept drinking virtual rounds
PerditaR - Actually Girl Interrupted in disguise
VaginaStentch - not making that up

The chat room consisted of a lot of people buying virtual drinks. "Can I get you a drink", "DarkStead_13 sets a round of Jello Shots for anyone that wants one", and "Oxman37 pours a drink for PerditaR" were consistently being sent. One person, Tat, was not even a drinker but chose a Saloon themed chat room. Very intriguing.

The best part of this was heckling the people via Google Chat. They didn't know what GI Kate and I were heckling but it was a hoot none the less.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, April 16, 2009

TBWCYL Day 106 - Intentional foul

"But my intentions are good."

Try saying that after every conversation you have. Doesn't matter the ending, you just say it. Well, at least I did, sort of. I didn't forget I had a task but I kept forgetting to apply it. I started strong this morning with my carpool buddy. We talked football, "yeah", and at the end I fit in "Buy my intentions were good."

I let the idea slip my mind throughout the morning, mind you I was light on conversation as the day was busy. It kept popping into my head from time to time but now when I needed it. At lunch I fit it in and throughout the afternoon, I got to use it a few times. I put it in a couple of "But my intentions..." on a chat I was having with Girl Interrupted via Google Talk and used one on a phone call but those were sporadic too.

I won't say I did my best on this task...but my intentions are good.

Newt

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

TBWCYL Day 105 - My Pants are on fire!!!

Did I ever tell you the story about how I met Andree 3000 from the group Outkast? Diana and I were in L.A. visiting some old friends and they are Vegan so they decided to take us to a ritzy Vegan restaurant, where they had tofu and fresh veggies that had been shaped to resemble real food. It was disgusting and I only enjoyed the mashed potatoes. Anyway, we look over and Diana says, "Hey, I think that is Andre 3000". I looked over and sure enough, he was sitting at the next table, eating dessert.

He saw us noticing him and said hello. He was very friendly and we exchanged pleasantries and told him how much we liked his music. This was right when he started making movies and was in town for a press junket or something to do with his latest film. All in all the meal was less than impressive but meeting Andre Benjamin was pretty cool.

So, today's task was to lie about something in your past. I made that story up today as I was across the table from a coworker. We were doing some manual labor so I took my phone, which is a Walkman phone, and turned on the music. When 'Mrs. Jackson' came on, I remembered my task still needed to be done and made the above story up. He believed me and we went about our day.

I am an awesome liar of some regard. I have a fairly good track record for it and can keep up a good yarn for a good while. Therefore I took this task on with joy. I hope that this gets brought up later and I can make him look the fool.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Foreign Exchage Service

Dear Amy,

You don't know me but I was sitting at the front desk this afternoon covering phones when you called. This is a business and even though you are a recording, I would like you to know that when you call every line in my company, they come to me first. So, when your 15th attempt to convince me that I should house a foreign exchange student came in, you might understand how it fell on deaf ears.

I am sure your cause is a worth wile, but even if they do come "fully insured and with their own spending money" I and my company are not interested. I don't think you have done your research if you are calling the same company 16 times now, as you just called again while I was writing this letter.

I respectfully ask that you take your stupid message and turn it off or I will be allowing you to sponsor my foot up your rear end. It, however, is not insured and does not come with it's own spending money. It has a shoestring budget.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 104 - It's All Relative

Today's task was fairly easy and I actually feel pretty good about it. The greeting card industry has really put the public in a bind with all of these holiday's that are made just to sell cards. Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparent's Day, Secretary's Day. It is starting to get ridiculous. I refuse to buy my dentist a card.

So, today I was to combine all of those days into one, easy to handle day of thanks/greeting by sending everyone in my family a card. I extended this a little to cover any people I considered family too. I got a box of Peeps cards, those little Marshmallow Easter candies, and they were in funny poses so I thought them fun and topical.

I hit my cousins, or the ones I had addresses for, so Cousin's Day is taken care of.
I sent my Aunts and Uncles cards, so that should take care of Extended Family Day.
I send my Grandparents a joint card. Saves on stamps and knocks out Grandparents Day.
I sent my sister a card to take care of both Mother's and Sibling's Day.
Mother's and Father's Days were both taken care of via one card to my parents, and one to my extra parents.
I also sent one to my Gay Friends, partly because if there isn't a Gay Day, there should be and partly because the Peeps that were on the card were in Cowboy outfits and I thought it looked Gay.
And finally, I sent one to my buddy Thomas. I figure until Hallmark decides to make an HLM day, I will just have to make one of my own.

Eat me Hallmark,

Newt

Monday, April 13, 2009

TBWCYL Day 103 - Cleansing

I start this post with a warning. What you read below is disgusting and uncomfortable. Read at your own risk.

So, I was laying naked in my bathroom floor after just completely emptying a Fleet Suppository into my rectum when I realized, my life has taken a strange turn.

Today's task was "Cleanse Your Bowels Day". I was supposed to try and free up some of the stuff that was sticking to the walls of my bowel by giving myself a self-colonic. I didn't want to take the suggestion of the book by inserting a hose into my butt and allow it to flush me out, so I went to the local drug store and bought a 3 pack of suppositories.

The box had some instructions on it for use. I am pretty sure I could have figured this out but the diagram did give me the best position for insertion. I am not sure how often you stick something up your ass but I found it unpleasant. Never try to imagine me doing this but I was in position #2. I brought my cell with me so as I clenched for dear life I started a game of Ms. Pac-Man on my phone.

The instructions say to wait 5 minutes before going but I think that is if you are constipated because I lasted about a minute, got up and jumped up and down to shake loose everything possible. The pending expulsion was not pleasant.

Today I hated the book.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, April 12, 2009

TBWCYL Day 102 - Freedom!!!!

Today was kind of a pass for me. It is Tax Freedom Day. What that means is that for the 1st 101 days of the year, you have been working to pay your taxes and after day 101 you have now worked enough to pay your taxes for the year. On day 102 you have stared working for yourself.

I didn't know anything about this so I was pretty surprised by this knowledge. I didn't know this day existed but apparently the Adam Smith Institute calculates it. I looked the institute up and here is a little piece of knowledge you may not have known.

The UK's Tax Freedom Day fell on June 2 in 2008. That means that average Brits are spending more than five months of the year working for the Chancellor, rather than working for themselves.

God Bless America,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 101 - Money, Money, Money, Money - MONEY!

Today's task was simple. Cut out, or in this case I photocopied, the 8 dollars bill that was inside the book, glue the front and back together, and convince someone to take it as legal tender. I hit a Kinko's to do some photocopying and got my $8 masterpiece ready. It is really just a reworked 5 dollar bill so I thought I could pull this off by having someone take it believing it was a $5. I went to town crumpling it up and getting it to look worn before attempting anything.

I worked at the comic shop today so I thought I would have a chance to get rid of it at lunch but couldn't bring myself to rip someone off. Then I remembered, we are going to a friends house for Easter lunch and I have to pay him for the food. We were seeing them last night as well and I now had a plan. I put the $8 behind two 5s and handed him the money, saying, "Here is half of the money we owe you. I will pay you the other half tomorrow". He was drinking so he took it without counting it and I completed my task.

These friends know about The Book and later in the evening asked me how it was going. I told them about yesterday's biblical endeavor and they asked "What's today's task?". I told them I couldn't tell them and they became suspicious so the guy I gave the money to, Ryan, got online and found another blog where a guy had done the entire book already. Clearly, I am not as much of a trendsetter as I thought. He perused the blog until he got to day 101 and saw the title of the blog: Counterfeiting.

He sat, thought for a second, and as realization flooded his face he said, "Wait, you gave me money..., Sonovabitch!" and jumped off the couch and ran to where he was keeping the till. My wife and I busted out laughing and as I heard cries of "There's no such thing as an $8 bill" I lost my breath and tears started running down my cheeks. It made this task so much better.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, April 10, 2009

TBWCYL Day 100 - WWJD? No, Really.

DA DADADADADA DA DAAAAAAA!!!!! It is my 100th Day. Many Presidents have accomplished less in their first 100 days in office than I have in the last 3+ months. Hell, one even died. So, today's task fit today quite well, seeing as it is Good Friday. Today, I had the awesome task of.....

Building my own crucifix and suffering as Jesus did.

"What?"
"Could it be?"
"Miracle upon miracles"

That's right kids. Your man Newt built himself a cross out of a fence post and a piece of spare wood and got hooked up to it. I didn't do the nails through the hands because that has a stigmata attached to it. Get it? Stigmata? Anyone?

So, this morning I did some suffering. Diana was kind enough to accompany me, sort of my Mary Magdalene, as photographer. We drove down to the end of our block about 6 a.m. and I walked. I didn't have any B.C. robes so I just borrowed Diana's terrycloth, and for sandals I wore my flip flops.

It was fairly cold this morning so my tubby belly got a brisk wind to deal with. Talk about suffering. I was cutting glass. I am not sure what you would do if you saw a man walking with a cross on his back at 6 in the morning wearing a bathrobe as a woman takes pictures of him but the people that drove by me just kept driving.
I did quite a bit of suffering through this whole ordeal. When I got done with my walk, I took my cross down and the string I had used to "bind" my hands got tied around a finger and I couldn't get it off. The cold and lack of circulation made it start to throb. As I was standing there, jacking with a string attached to a cross, one of my neighbors pulled up to the Stop sign. I didn't turn to look at them but I am sure they were wondering what the hell this crazy person was doing.

I must say, Jesus is a better man than I. I had that lightweight set of sticks and I still got sick of it after a block. I almost got a splinter and it was quite chilly. I still can't figure how he rolled that rock out of the way 3 days later. I would have been way too tired.

That is all,

Newt

Thursday, April 09, 2009

TBWCYL Day 99 - Chocolatate'

So, I am rearranging a couple of the days because today's task needed a camera person and my wife is busy. So, I jumped ahead to day 101 for today. I will get back on track tomorrow and I promise, it will be worth the wait.

So, for today I became a, dadadaa!!!, CHOCOHOLIC. I was a chocolate junkie all day and let me tell you, it wasn't bad. I didn't work out today so this was probably not a good day for me calorie wise but who give a crap. I had regular cereal because I was all out of Count Chocula but as soon as I got to work, I began popping Easter candy like Christ himself really was rising from beyond and I had to finish my candy before he showed up because then Easter candy wouldn't be Easter candy because there would be a new Easter, which I am guessing wouldn't be called Easter since that name is already taken. Sorry, I had a sugar rush just then. Whew.


I typed in 'Chocolate Junkie' in Google search for images and it brought up pictures of black women. That is so funny.

I found a picture of a chocolate fountain like the ones you have in weddings. I always wanted to stick my face in one of these but I think I would get burned. It would burn so good. The bride sure looks happy. I want to shove her face in there. She would be pissed!!!

I think I ate about 29 little chocolate Easter eggs and mini-Hershey bars. I also took 5 packs of those individual sized bags of M&Ms so by lunch I was pretty hopped up. I ran out of candy after noon so I was screwed till I got home. For dinner I was on my own so I grabbed a burger and a Chocolate Shake. So, I am back up for the moment. I experienced one crash today from the withdrawal but now I am going strong again.

My belly hurts.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

TBWCYL Day 98 - $#!+, $#!+, $#!+

So, today I wasn't allowed to swear. Aside from "Drat" and "Dang" I was restricted. If I swore I owed a $1 to the book, per swear said.

Luckily, I don't have a large tendecy to curse so this wasn't a challenge. I did think a few curse words but otherwise, I have been swear free.

Some nice alternatives to swearing are:

Drat - I am assuming this was created when the London when the rat population was spreading the plague. The Brits would say Damn Rat and it slured because of their accents.

Dang - I believe this isn't actually a swear word but instead code for having a large booger in your nose. Two friends had to have come up with this to cover for each other when in public. It is probably short for Dangle.

"Check out that hot chick"

Two guys walk up when the wingman notices a bat in the belfry and says, "Dang!"
Guy turns around and flicks out the dangler. Problem solved.

Crud - This one stands for crud. That one is pretty simple.

Gadzooks - I always thought this better as a revelatory exclamation. I am not sure who Gad is but his ooks are pretty testy.

That is all,
Newt

65 is not just a number

Do you know what this is? It is a $65 dollar spoon.









Now, my wife didn't go crazy and buy a antique spoon or anything. On Sunday, we came home and the disposal wasn't working. It is the original that was installed when the house was built in '94 so I just assumed it was dead. It started to try and turn but gave up pretty quickly. I looked inside and couldn't see anything so I called our home warranty people. I waited 3 hours today and the plumber came out. I thought I was getting a new disposal but instead I was handed a $65 bill and a spoon that had gone missing days ago.

Also, in cleaning all of the dishes before the plumber showed up I stumbled across a piece of tupperware that I thought we had lost. Apparently, sometime in the last year it fell in the dishwasher and I never saw it near the heating element. I don't think it is reusable.









That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

TBWCYL Day 97 - Cimmanin

Way back in 2002 I went and saw a little movie called '8 Mile'. It is about a inner city kid who just needs to rap and I could see myself in him so much. I love to 'bust a flow' and 'skribble some lyrics'. After walking out of the theatre, I knew my destiny. To become the rapper Cimmanin.

This all came rushing back to me as I remembered my 45 minute career as a rapper. Today's task started to awaken Cimmanin because today's task was to rap. I needed to bust a flow today. So, before I started I wanted to get in the mood. I listened to some Dr. Dre at work and when I was driving I turned it over to the local Rap station.

Where did I decide to bust out? Well, when I got home and was taking a leak, Eminem's "Lose Yourself" popped into my head and I started. I actually learned this when it came out so I know all of the words to the first verse and chorus. After that it gets a little fuzzy so I shook off and called it a day. Don't get scared, I only look like a thug.


That is all,

Cimmanin

Fruit Roll Up - 1995

I am a pack rat when it comes to anything Spider-Man related and this obsessive compulsive disorder that I have turned blue on Sunday. As part of an attempt to sort of clean out the closet in my bedroom at my parents house, I occasionally ferry home odds and ends that I have left from my teenage days.


So, I went in on Sunday before we left and grabbed a Sesame Street diorama toy that my grandmother had for me along with a collection of McDonalds toys and my grandfathers old cap. While in the closet, I looked up to see 2 empty Spider-Man cereal boxes and 2 boxes of Spider-Man Fruit Roll-ups, both containing 1 unopened roll.

I got the boxes down, trying to think of why I saved them in the first place. They dated back to 1995 when Spider-Man Adventures, an old FoxKids cartoon, was on the television and at the height of popularity. It caused General Mills to make a cereal which I ate in excess and had a corresponding Fruit Roll-Up which I also took in my lunch. I saved them because I thought they would be worth something. My idea of valuable was slightly skewed by my web colored glasses.

Anyway, I have the sense to know that no one wants these things and threw them out...except when I started looking over the unopened roll-up. No expiration date? How is that possible? Does it mean it is still edible? I had to know. My wife cautioned me against it and my mother sat screaming for me to stop but I opened the package and took a sniff. It smelled fruity and with a hint of nostalgia. I took my hands and ripped off the corner of the roll-up and threw it in my mouth. Chewy.

I proceeded to keep eating it, subsequently dying my tongue blue and making my mother queasy. It was just how I remembered a Fruit Roll-Up to be. I drove home expecting that at some point the snack was going to rebel but it held steady. Apparently you can eat a 14 year old lunch snack.

That is all,
Newt

Monday, April 06, 2009

TBWCYL Day 96- Sugar, Honey Honey

I know I am sweet but this is ridiculous. Todays task was "Stockpile as much free sugar as possible in one day." So, every time I went by the coffee machine, I grabbed a handful and snuck it in my lunch bag. I went to Taco Bell with a coworker today and got a handful. Heck, I even snagged some of that Raw Sugar that Starbucks offers when we were in the grocery. I made off like a bandit. It's really too bad that I don't use sugar very often.




All in all I collected 60 packets. My spoils of war will probably be taken back to work tomorrow. More to confuse people when they see different brands then we are suppose to have.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 95 - E.T. Phone Wisconsin?

Yesterday's task was done as we were driving back to Dallas. I was given instructions on how to recognize aliens among us. These included 'Dead Eyes', Open mouths, Ears Oozing Green Goo, and Flaring nostrils. Now, for those of you who haven't made the 5 1/2 hour drive between Midland and Dallas, if you stop at any truck stop on that stretch of highway, you are likely to see a few aliens, at least by using these characteristics.

I saw one behind the counter of a Town and Country convenience store outside of Sweetwater. He definitely had dead eyes but that may have been apathy for his environment. I think we all know it was not.

I saw a woman behind the counter at a Shell station when I had to stop for a potty break that also had dead eyes but here mouth hung open so she might have just been retarded.

We also saw many people driving that may have been aliens. I saw license plates from California and New Mexico so they were at least eligible for illegal alien status. None the less, I am now more aware and will be watching for the 'Ears Oozing Green Goo' much more closely.

That is all,

Newt

Saturday, April 04, 2009

TBWCYL Day 94 - Magnetism

We have come to my hometown today and I am still hard at work on my tasks. Today, I had to avoid electromagnetics all day. Pretty much this only affects me by having to stay as far away from microwaves as possible. I don't usually get to close to radio towers or power lines so I had to eat a cold muffin this morning instead of heating it up. I also just stayed out of the kitchen whenever possible.

Not a big day.

That is all,

Newt

Friday, April 03, 2009

TBWCYL Update Time Day 75

Well, I just got a call that Gino's, the restaurant in Louisiana that I had reservations for on July 4th, will not be open.

How sad.

Newt

TBWCYL Day 93 - Lucky Day

Today, I am supposed to show a little humility to the cosmos today. The book says this...

"There is 1 chance in 140 trillion that the Earth should exist.
There is 1 chance in 795 billion that life should have evolved on Earth.
There is 1 chance in 89 billion that life should have evolved into mankind.
There is 1 chance in 12 billion mankind should have created the alphabet and this civilization.
There is 1 chance in 6 billion that your parents should ever have met and got together.
There is 1 chance in 90 million that you should have been the lucky sperm that fertilized your mother's egg.
Overall you're pretty lucky to be here. Today remember that, and show some cosmic humility."

I love this thought. That all things lead to a certain moment. I don't know how accurate these facts are but they are probably close to the truth. I have been fairly impressed when it comes to how things play out in life on a universal scale.

For example: 93 days ago I went to a used bookstore and happened to find The Book. I wasn't looking for it but after seeing it 4 years earlier and forgetting about it, it entered my life at a time where I was looking for something to stop the day to day routine of my life. Since then I have done crazy stuff, made a new friend on the other side of the globe, and gone way outside my comfort zone.

I love the idea that by doing this or that, you can affect your life in so many ways. The "What If" scenario is one that never gets old because it constantly opens the mind up to knew ideas. And it is humbling. I have never been sure of God but I do know that I am the tiniest speck on the tiniest speck when it comes to this universe.

Here is an example of what I mean. Image yourself standing in a crowd. Now think of yourself on the street you are on. How many people are there? Great, now take it to a city level, State, Country, Continent, and finally Globe. It is mind crushing to try and think of that many people and the fact that you don't know any of them. I once heard a radio listener call in to say that with our Economy in the crapper, you would expect these trillion dollar bailouts to really be getting more people to think. He was answered by the statement that people's minds aren't meant to process the number 1,000,000,000,000. It is just too large. We get the idea of Millions because it is attainable and not out of the ordinary but getting closer to the millions, our minds just can't grasp the scope of how large a number that really is.

I daydream a lot...I mean a shit load. One of the things that I have consistently fantasized about is this scenario. God is sitting up on a cloud and he says "It is time to do a cleansing on Earth. I want to wipe out as many people as possible...but you know, that Trinity is an alright guy. He has lived his life with good intentions for the most part and I would bet that he probably doesn't associate with bad people. Here is what I am going to do." In his Godliest voice God proclaims to the Angels,


"I decree that Everyone on the planet will now drop dead save for ye whose lives have been touched by Trinity."

So, everyone drops dead, except for a lot of people from Midland, Texas. Someone starts to wonder, "Why us?" Everyone left alive starts to congregate to an unknown spot and once every last person left alive on Earth gets there, we figure out why we are all alive. What common denominator is there? People I held doors open for, people I let cut in line, even people I walked past on the street are all alive because they walked by me or sat next to me on a bus.

The fun of this whole thing is not to say "Look at how important I am" but is more a reminder that in the grand scheme of things, every one plays the smallest part but the actions of one person can greatly affect the outcome of other peoples lives. And that is as humbling as I ever get.

Humbly,

Newt

Thursday, April 02, 2009

TBWCYL Day 92 - Will-I-Am

So, today I had to fill out my will. Or at least the will the book gave me. I didn't have a lot of the people it listed on the will so most of my stuff went to my wife, my best friend or my parents. I gave my truck to my coworker because his car is really a P.O.S. and I feel sorry for him. Sadly, my pickup is an upgrade.I do want to clarify that I do not own a giant dildo. I left my imaginary one to my wife because, lets face it, if I die she is going to need it. They didn't have my comic book collection on the list of items to pass on so I will add that they go to Thomas. Mostly to piss his wife off that she will have to find somewhere to put them until he can sell them.

I don't have an actual will. Diana and I have discussed what to do with my comics but aside from that I don't have much worth bequeathing to anyone. Bequeathing sounds dirty.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

TBWCYL Day 91 - It's A-peeling

Today's task was to invent a new way to peel potatoes. I chose a handy little electronic tool I had around my garage to attempt this new way. I call it my Potato Peeler 15000. The ad copy would read...

"With this handy tool you too can peel potatoes without ever having to touch a knife. Just order today and we will send youthis handy attachment that can be put on any handheld sander. In just minutes, you can be enjoying french fries, waffle fries, mashed potatoes and more. Ask the operator about how to add thespiral potato drill attachment for only shipping and handling. video

I was actually surprised at how well this worked. I think if this were a marketable product, someone might want to go for a better sanding surface than plain sand paper.

That is all,

Newt

So I'll be in at 5:30...

It's April Fools Day today and I had a great idea for a prank. I called Thomas, my best friend, and told him that my company was holding job interviews on Texas Tech's campus and they needed me to fly up spur of the moment. This has happened once before so it was entirely plausable. I told him my flight was at 5:30 pm and I needed him to pick me up. He works on the same side of town so I figured it wasn't going to be out of his way and he could just come after work.

So, 5:30 rolls around and I called him.

"Are you here" I asked.
"Yeah, let me circle around" said Thomas.
"Ok. Thomas, what day is it?"
"I said I have to circle around. Did you hear me?"
"Yeah, I heard you. What day is it?"
"It's..."
"April Fool's!!!" I exclaimed.

I think he thought I was joking at first but then I clarified that I was in Dallas and wasn't coming to Lubbock. I laughed and laughed. Thomas did not. He proceded to take his love away from me after I demanded he tell me he loved me. I got him to admit it was a good joke but he got all butt hurt about spending three dollars in gas to come pick me up so I guess I am going to have to get him 200 Takas to make it up to him.

I love April Fools Day.

That is all,

Newt