Fly me to the moon...or Lubbock

This afternoon, I journeyed to the land of plenty, Lubbock, Texas. I came for a recruiting event and anytime that I fly to Lubbock or Midland, I sit at Love Field and look around for anybody that I know. This is especially true when I fly for recruiting because the chances of someone my age going for the same reason is much more likely.

The reason behind this is that I hate running into people that I vaguely know. This includes former classmates, coworkers, and church members. Actually, that last one is just talk as I can no longer step into a Holy Temple for fear of my skin bursting aflame.

Anyhow, one such occasion occurred today. I was sitting and reading a book when a girl that I had a couple of classes with walked around the corner of the airport. In cases like these, I would normally just hide behind my book or not make eye contact in hopes of avoiding that awkward conversation that always follows seeing people you semi-know ?

She recognized me, however, which caused a small conversation, which causes me mild discomfort. Here are the things I remember about this girl. She was bubbly in class, not incredibly stupid, very friendly, and she is a Christian. I actually forgot her name and I guess she forgot mine too because she threw in a “I’m Jennifer, in case you didn’t remember.” Luckily, she got a call from a friend who just found out she was pregnant and I was immediately forgotten.

I can’t think that I am alone on this. Does anyone else find it unbearable to try to have a conversation with a person you care nothing about? Am I expected to save her a seat on the plane? I hope not because I instead sat next to an elderly woman that smelled like sour cream.

That is all,

Newt

Daydreaming

So, this afternoon I walked outside with the dogs and a fairly attractive woman in a bikini was walking past the door. I don't think she noticed me but as soon as I turned and walked the other direction my mind began to wander.

Now for those of you reading this, my post will not be erotic. I know, you're saying to yourself "Dammit, I really wanted Newt to describe some pornographic sexual deviation to me" and to that I say "call me". But alas, my daydream was not so graphic. Here is what my mind created after seeing the pretty lady.

After walking away from the bikini clad woman I hear her turn and look at me. Immediately she is attracted to me. Who wouldn't be? Me in a pair of khaki dress pants and a orange polo and my babe magnets hooked to their leashes. She runs(in slow motion) towards me and says "You are so hot. I want you right now."

I look at the bikini clad vixen and say "I appreciate that but I am engaged and I don't believe my fiancee' would go for that." I can tell that this woman had been around, as me being betrothed doesn't seem to be a stumbling block for her. "If you don't tell, I won't", she replied.

Again, I am flustered but keep my cool. "No, you are very pretty but, as I said, I am engaged." I try to say goodbye and begin walking the dogs when she grabs me and attempts to kiss me. I fight her off, which is not easy as she has sun tan lotion all over her, and Duncan, Hazel and I leave frantically.

When we get back to the door, she is there. Trying to get me to let her into the apartment. "Just this once" and "Don't you want to have one last fling before you get married?" come out of her mouth. "No", I shout and squeeze through the door.

The point of this blog is that I am whipped. Any other person would probably have fantasized about having sex with said bikini woman, yet I instead fight her off in my own head. Even as I was changing out of my work gear, I made up how she busts into the house and catches me changing and I force her out of the room.

Thinking back to past girlfriends, I remember times when I would wake up from sex dreams before anything started to happen. Why? Because I felt guilty about cheating on my girlfriend with a dream woman. Now that's commitment.

That is all,

Newt

Keep it a Secret...Please

Yesterday, Diana and I went to Victoria Secret and when we got in line to check out, the woman in front of us was arguing with the teller. She was trying to return something she had bought (It was a red negligee) and the teller was telling her they couldn't return her item. She proceeded to say that she had just bought it and the fabric was already frayed at the edges.

The next thing I heard is the cause of this post. I heard the teller say
"We can't return this because it is soiled".

She then pointed out the stains on the item and a manager was called and agreed that they couldn't take it back. The woman was not happy and kept trying to explain that she had just bought it and that it was fraying out. She wouldn't take the fact that it was stained as a reason for not taking it.

When we got up to the counter, the woman was leaving. I turned to Diana and told her "I have some boxers with bacon strips in them. I should run those back to Old Navy." Our cashier was extremely uncomfortable and just kept saying, "Let's just not talk about it anymore". Both the women that helped her were applying Antibacterial gel on their hands.

That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan & Hazel - Trash Day

I got to sleep in this morning. Diana got up earlier than I did and was nice enough to leave the dogs outside the room so they wouldn't wake me up. If only she had remembered to close the bathroom door. I can only imagine that it went something like this.

"Man, Duncan, I sure wish we could get in bed with Dad."
"I hear you Hazel. I wanted to get a nap in under the bed."
"Wonder why Mom locked us out?"
"Maybe they are mad. I know, let's do something nice for them."
"Like what?"
"Well, the bathroom trash has really been piling up. We should take it downstairs for dad."
"I don't know Hazel. Remember the last time we got in the trash? My ass was killing me all day."
"Yeah, but this time we just carry it in the bag and don't pull it out. Then we should be good."
"Well, I suppose it's worth a try."

Duncan and Hazel go into the bathroom and start to lift the trash bag when they start fighting over who gets to carry the bag.

"Give it to me!"
"No, it was my idea. Give me the bag."
"Hazel, stop pulling on the bag, you're gonna rip it."
"Give it to me."
"Stop it!"

Below is the result of the good deed.

BEST WEEK EVER

You know that VH1 show 'Best Week Ever'? I think I am in the running for winning this week.

When we were driving home this weekend, Diana got a call saying that we had won a free trip for our honeymoon. Someone(we still don't know who) threw our name into a drawing that won us either a 3 day/2 night trip to an all inclusive resort or a 7day/7 night trip to a condo. We did have to go to a presentation for Waterless Cookware first, but it was entertaining and I, of course, had to have the pots too.

Then Monday afternoon, I was sitting at work listening to The Pugs and Kelly Show on the radio when they asked people to call in if they could name the cheerleader on Heroes. I knew her name as she was in both 'Ally McBeal' and 'Ice Princess'. I called in and won. I got a gift card for $100 to Sony Style.com, the TV edition of Scene It, and Season 1 of 'The Office'. I had to give Erin 'The Office' because I already own it and she fixed the holes in my pillows. Sorry Thomas, you were next in line if she didn't want it.

Adding to Monday, I had an awesome comic book week that set me back a pretty penny but was definitely worth it... new zombie Graphic Novel that I have been waiting on. I have been reading a really great book and work has been overly tolerable. Plus, Erin took me to dinner last night, cause she is cool like that, and we hit the Walgreens and bought fancy chocolates to sample. Wheeeeee!!!!!! All in all it has been a good week so far.

Now that I think about it, maybe I just had the Best Day Ever but I have enjoyed the rest of the week so I will stick with my posts title.

That is all,

Newt

Office Antics

There are many days that I hate my job, but I can't help but love my coworkers. Today is one of our top salespersons birthdays. He is always bringing in jobs that are difficult, intracate, or just a pain in the ass. He makes the Accounting office's life Hell and is known as one of the busiest sales people in the office.

So to say Happy Birthday, his Custome rep came in a little early today.














That is all,

Newt

Do Do-ing

By looking at the title of this post you may think I am about to talk matters of the butt. However this is a language post.

Have you ever had someone say "You don't do that" in which you reply "Yes I do. I do do that." I find myself saying this from time to time and my silly, adolecent mind can't help but chuckle over the term do do. Is it because as children we refered to any type of fecal matter using this term? Is it because when I tell my dogs to go crap I use the same term? Yes.

I try to come up with other ways to say that I do something. Ex. 'I perform that way' or 'I am guilty of that offence'. But saying I do do something makes me laugh. Are there other terms that have this same affliction? I can't think of any, and if there are I doubt that they have the conotation to taking a dump.

Anyway, that will finish off my weekend. I am off to Lubbock to see my HLM Thomas. If you read his latest post you might thing that the H in HLM stands for Homo. It does not. It is still Hetero as of the last time I checked.

I hope you do do have a good weekend.

That is all,

Newt

Write On!

If you haven't heard of Half Price Books, they are a chain of used bookstores that sell every kind of book imaginable, as well as used DVD's, CD's and Records. While we were in the largest on in Dallas this weekend, Erin picked up a sheet that told of a contest that they were holding. HPB is having a children's book writing contest where you submit a story to them for their annual book "Say Goodnight to Illiteracy". The winner or runners up get gift cards for the store.

Erin, my good buddy, decided she might submit a story, and me being competitive decided to make it a contest and challenge her. So, I am pulling out a piece I wrote back in the 9th grade and am going to submit my book and hopefully place in the contest. As I told Diana, I don't need to win, I just need to beat Erin. Sorry Erin.

That is all,

Newt Shakespeare

"The Last Kiss" - an opinion

Sunday Diana, Erin and I went to see the new Zach Braff movie "The Last Kiss". For those of you who haven't seen it, Braff's character is about to have a baby with his girlfriend, he is afraid of marriage, and at a wedding he meets a college girl who makes him consider cheating.

The movie was very good and, in my opinion, realistic. Diana and Erin expressed that they didn't like it because they didn't end up liking Zach Braff's character. So, when we go to the movies, are we supposed to like the main character or is it ok to hate them and still enjoy the movie.

The film is a metaphor for relationships. Through a number of characters there is a divorce, an affair, a break up, a casual sexual relationship and a couple at a crossroads. Rachel Bilson, who plays the college love interest, has some classic lines that really bring out the stupidity of love at 19. She makes a mix tape and spouts off lines like "I don't care about before or after, I just care about now."

I recommend this movie, but when you go to see it don't expect "Garden State" because you will be disappointed. This movie offers a realistic look at love from so many different points of view that every person should be able to connect with one of the characters.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. You get to see Rachel Bilsons nips and that was worth the price of admission

I'm so glad I'm not single

Recently, I have been surrounded by people that are single and I get to hear about all of the trials and tribulations that go along with singledom. Let me just say that I do not miss being single. I have so many single friends of varying ages, ethnicities, and sexual orientations. Being 24, it seems that in this day in age it is hard to find a significant other.

Dallas is a competitive market. I will start out by saying that dating can be hard. I just finished "Love Monkey" which is all about dating at 30. Some of the situations that the main character get into are beyond me and I asked myself "What would I have done?" and there were no answers.

My good buddy Erin(f) is currently looking for love in all the wrong places. This is because she has only been at work and home. Short supply of men. She is always telling me that she can't meet a guy and I just think "Thank the maker for Diana" because I don't want to have to try looking around Dallas for another lady.

I have a friend who is 30 and hasn't found the right one(though that is because she left him, at least that's what he says). He goes out clubbing and finds an "occasional hottie" but he can never find a girl he wants, but he continues looking.

I also have a friend who is 45 that is currently in "a friendship" of sexual proportions. He and his "friend" were dating and decided to go platonic and still get it on. She is always calling him, and aside from the title they are in a relationship. He just lives in denial about the entire thing. We have tried to convince him of it but as long as he can dip his "pen" in his friends "ink" I guess denial is a good river to swim in.

All in all, I don't miss dating. Sure the first kiss was always exciting, and the initial phase of any relationship has a lot of hope built in, but once you settle down with some one it is such a comfort to not have all the BS that goes along with dating. Plus, I still get to use all of my pick up lines. Only now its when I am trying to get into my fiancee's pants instead of a strangers.

That is all,

Newt

Death Day

One year ago today my Granny Nan passed away. So I guess that makes today her Death Day. We buried her ashes this summer in Georgia next to my Grandpa.

Its funny that we celebrate friends and family on their birthday, but when people die it seems like the day they die is a sad day. I don't know if I should be unhappy today but really, today was better than yesterday.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I was walking down the street where my Granny's house was and I got to the door and there were cars in front. I went in and she was sitting on the couch. In the dream she was dead too, so I went up and put my arms around her and yelled "You're alive!" She told me that her cruise ship had crashed on an island and that, while people on the ship had died, she and her friend had survived.

The dream continued and people kept coming in and congratulating her for being alive. It was all very somber and surreal. I sat on the couch in her living room, and for just one moment I let myself believe that her death had been a dream. Then I woke up.

This is the only time I can ever remember having a dream where Granny was in it, at least since her death. I thought it fitting that in my dream she was not only alive, but healthy and had an air of happiness to her. I know if I had survived a crashed cruise ship, I would be happy too.

Oh, she was also in a flowery dress. I can only assume that she hadn't changed out of her island attire.

Love ya Granny.

Newt

So, I was like, and she was like

I hate the word 'like'. I wish Webster would come up with a new word to replace 'like' and then the simile will have to be changed, but I can live with that. This post comes partly from the fact that Diana is out of town, which means that I can razz her about this and not get hit.

The love of my life, the woman I am going to marry uses 'like' in almost every sentence she makes. I know this because it has gotten so bad that I began counting them when she is conversing with someone. I hate it. I think that every person that does this needs to take a step back and realize that it needs to stop.

The worst is when someone is telling you something and they say, "Bill hit the dog, and I was like..." WHY!!! When did it become necessary to transition with this stupid phrase. There are so many ways to say things. Use 'as if' or 'I responded' or 'and then I told him'. This isn't a criticism of Diana though. It is a criticism on humanity. I personally stop myself from doing this and it can be difficult. So I made up a rule.

If you are speaking and the words coming out of your mouth are things you wouldn't write down in an email, then stop using them.

No one types an email and during it writes, "Well, I'm sitting and work, and like, there is the cutest girl so I went up to her and I was like "Hey". And if you do then you are an idiot.

That is, like, all,

Newt

The Hai-Karate Kid

Well, if any of you have read my good buddy's blog recently you may have noticed that he almost used the teachings of Mr. Miagi at the Tech game last weekend. This made me think of how, in the past, if I really tried I could make Thomas mad enough to punch me. I can only remember this occurring a couple of times, but I bet he really scared those dudes if he did like he use to. First, he turns kinda red and then he bites his bottom lip and his eyes bug out a little bit. Don't make him angry, you won't like him when he's angry."

So, I present my rendition of Thomas getting into a fight.

Thomas, a lanky red headed American male, is walking down the street when from behind two masked hoodlums come up and scream "Give me your wallet." Instantly our hero leaps into action. Donning the amulet that gives him power, Thomas instantly transforms into THE HAI-KARATE KID.

Turning on his attackers, he begins to stare them down and starts tossing out Verbal Jabs of Justice. "Wallet? Dude, I'm married. I gave that thing away on my wedding day."

Stunned, the thieves momentarily drop their guard. "And why would you pick me anyway. Idiots. I'm wearing ratty jeans and a shirt I got at Goodwill. Do I really look like Mr. Moneybags?" He throws his hands in the air with a sarcastic flair.

Thief A starts to get nervous. This is taking longer than he thought. "Look, just give us all that you have." But NO! The Hai-Karate Kid will have none of that. "Look, I'm sure this isn't going the way you planned so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna walk this way and you two genius' walk that way and then we will just pretend this never happened."

"No way man. We want your money."

HKK is getting frustrated. The vein in his forehead begins to pulse. "You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry." In fact, they didn't like him at all. So they beat the shit out of him and took his money. Luckily he is poor so not much was taken.

The End.

That is all,

Newt

The Princess Bride

Last night, I finished reading The Princess Bride and it was great. Lots of action, great adventure and it was very funny. The reason for this post is to declare that the writer, William Goldman, is a genius. Why? you ask. Because everything he wrote that talked about himself or his family, or S. Morgenstern was all B.S. and yet it sounds so real.

For those who haven't read it, Mr. Goldman wrote this book under the guise of it being an abridgment of S. Morgenstern. The "original" book, which he claims was read to him by his father when he was a boy, was said to be a history of the city of Florin and written by S. Morgenstern. Neither Florin nor Morgenstern exist. All made up.

The family that Goldman talks about in his preface, his wife and son, are also made up. All throughout the book, Goldman has break ins during the narrative where he goes into some minute details of what he cut out of the book and why. Except the original never existed.

He even goes into the legal details of the long lost sequel to the book, Buttercup' s Baby and why he is being stopped from abridging it. He claims that the Morgenstern family want Steven King to adapt it because he has family from Florin and visits there often. Luckily, Steven King was nice enough to give him a shot at abridging the first chapter, which is published in the books 25th Anniversary Edition. Again, all fake. None of it happened.

Were a just a tad bit more gullible, I would have bought it all hook, line and sinker. Luckily I researched it a bit and found out that William Goldman is a liar. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have read books before that were done in this manner, but I have never fallen for this ploy until I started reading The Princess Bride. Plus, I may have found the passage I want read at my wedding.

That is all,

Newt

I've made a terrible mistake

I am very uncomfortable right now. I just got back from seeing 'Snakes on a Plane' and realized that it may not have been a good idea to face my fear of snakes by watching this movie.

Going in, I was very excited to start the show. Then a thought crossed my mind. "Wouldn't it be ironic if someone let snakes loose in the theatre during the show?" From the second preview my feet didn't leave the back of the chair in front of me. Not to mention that it is really dark in those theatres.

And another thing. Surround sound with snakes really makes it sound like snakes are under your chair. At least once during the movie I had to cover my mouth because I was moaning with fear. The other time I covered my mouth was when a woman got bit on the tongue when she was screaming. That, however, was just a knee jerk reaction.

I will say that I was pleased with the movie and it wasn't nearly as ridiculous as I expected it to be. I am pretty sure that sleeping won't be in the cards for me this weekend though.

That is all,

Newt

Arrested Development

Well, last night I finished the third and final season of Arrested Development and I am sad. This was a show that got so much critical acclaim, and yet no one watched it. I watched a few episodes of it when it was in its second season, but I never really got into the show. Now it is cancelled and I own the entire collection and it is awesome.

For anyone that likes humor with a dry, witty edge to it then you would love this show. The dysfunction of this family is beyond the depths of anything you can imagine. One brother is a magician with no skill, one a mamma's boy, and one tries to help the rest succeed. Add to that a sister who is trying to save her marriage(though not very hard) and two cousins who sort of have a thing for each other and they all live in the same house.

The basic premise of the show is that the Bluth's are in trouble. Their company is being investigated by the government, George Sr., the father, is in prison for a number of crimes, and Michael(the responsible one) is left to pick up the pieces of his family and their business.

There are so many memorable things about this show. Henry Winkler guest stars a lot, and in one episode actually jumps over a rubber shark. A one armed man frequently appears in flashbacks teaching the Bluth children lessons. Even Scott Baio shows up as a lawyer named Bob Oblah(say it fast and you will get the joke). Oh, and David Cross plays a therapist turned actor who is gay and in denial about it.

I wish I had known about this show from its inception because it was great and I would have loved watching it. Oh well, I can now watch it at any time.

That is all,

Newt

Silly Cousin

Well, I decided I was going to drive up to Plano and see my cousin, Kristy. So I called her around 4 and asked if she would like to have dinner. She said "Sure, but I am going to be at a Happy Hour until 6".

So I came home for a while, loaded up the dogs, and at 6:05 I called to tell her I was on the way. She was still at the bar but said she was going to leave soon so I drove to Plano and found a Barnes and Noble to go wandering in until she got home. Around 7, I bought a couple of books and then headed to her house thinking that after an hour she would surely be home. Nope.

I called to see where she was and she still hadn't left the bar. I waited at her apartment complex and walked the dogs when Kristy's friend and coworker, Kristen, called and told me to take the dogs to her house and then we could meet up. I drove to her apartment and her husband, Jeremy, met me. We grabbed Kristy's key and dropped the dogs off and then said "Screw the girls, we're going to eat".

I ran by Circuit City and made an impulse buy of a Camcorder that I got an awesome deal on, and then Jeremy and I went to Freebirds. At 9, Kristy still hadn't shown so I grabbed the pups and headed home.

The moral of this story is 'If you are going to visit your cousin, don't leave until they are home'.

That is all,

Newt

JELLO Shots

Today is my cousin Kristy's Birthday(Happy Birthday Kristy) so this weekend we went out to eat. Her friends threw her a big dinner at Saltgrass Steakhouse and after it was over, we went back to one of her friends to party.

The main attraction at the party, aside from cousin Kristy, were Jello Shots. I was told that they made 150 and when I left there were zero. Good times. I was really showing them how to throw them back. The next day, however, I learned of a side affect of Jello Shots. I call it the Jello Shits. All day yesterday, I was running back and forth to the bathroom because the large amount of hard liquor mixed with the rainbow of Jello Flavors that I had on Saturday really did a number on me.

The party wasn't the only thing that happened. In the year that I have lived in Dallas, Kristy has worked at Circuit City. When they change out the CDs in the listening station, the employees get to take them home. Knowing this, I will now tell you that I learned that my cousin thinks I am gay. Or at least I assume she thinks I am gay because up until Saturday, she has never offered me a CD and that night she did. She looked at me and said "I have a CD in my car that I got from the listening station at work. It is the soundtrack to 'High School Musical'."

Huh? High School Musical? Not Ja Rule? Not Dashboard Confessional? The only CD I have ever been given is High School Musical? Well, I guess I must be gay because I said "Yippee", or maybe I am just a 13 year old girl. Jury is still out on that one.

Well, those were the highlights from my weekend. As I am bacheloring it up, the fact that anything happened at all is promising. So on that note...

That is all.

Newt

Am I a Racist?

Something happened to me this afternoon while at lunch that has been weighing on my mind all day. While driving back from lunch, a coworker and I were discussing travel to other countries and she said "My husband wants to go to Asia but, I don't know why, I have a mild distrust of Asian people". This prompted me to blurt out, and I have no idea why, that I am afraid of black people.

The silence in the car was horrible. Not only did I just say something that could be taken to be extremely racist, I also caught my coworker off guard. I knew she didn't know what to say but she turned and said "Really?" I came back with, "Well, only black men. I am not scared of women or children", and we then discussed how the African American male has perpetuated an image of violence with music and actions.

Now please don't take this post as a commentary on how black people are bad. That is not what this is. It is actually a look into my fear, and during the ride back to work something came to mind as to what might have caused me to feel this way.

I am not really scared of black people. At least not in any general sense. If I were walking down the street and a black male was coming my direction, I would not run screaming like a baby or, less dramatic, cross the street. However, if a black male that looked like 50 cent were to be coming my way, my actions might change. This said, I will now explain what I think may have started this "fear".

In the sixth grade, I knew a kid named James Williams. He was black and lived in my neighborhood. He was an underprivileged kid, at least compared to me and he lived two blocks from my house. Every day, we rode the bus to and from school. I was always dropped off at the bus stop early so when the bus arrived, I got on it fairly quick. James did not. When I got on the bus, I would go to the back and sit in the seat that only held one person. We all know that seat. The one that was coveted above all others.

One morning, I had gotten seated and was minding my own business when James got on the bus and told me that he wanted the short seat. I told him no, as I was already sitting there and was quite happy in my seat. He and his brother, Ray, proceeded to taunt me about giving him the seat and I still refused. As we were waiting for the other kids to get on the bus, James stood up, came over to me, and tapped the top of my head with a text book. To this day I can remember the feel of that book hitting me on the head.

After the first tap, he said "Get up" and I stood my ground and said "No". He dropped the book again and this time it was harder. It never hurt, but when you are twelve and everyone is watching, pain is the least of your concerns. I told him if he did it again I was gonna stop him. And he, of course, dropped it a third time. I jumped at him and we tussled. Not fought, just tussled. He jumped on my back and help my arm down and I was about to slam him into the emergency release bar for the back door when the driver ran back and broke us up.

We stayed separated for the rest of the ride and were taken to the principal as soon as we arrived at school. I do not remember what James' punishment was, but I was given three days of In School Suspension(Turns out I liked it though so it really wasn't a punishment). I despised James and his brother from that day forward.

The irony of the whole situation is that I(a white kid) was defending the seat in the back of the bus from a black kid. That hit me today. Up until then, the social humor never occurred to me. James was exactly the kind of guy that I am "afraid of". Not necessarily afraid of the person, but of what they can do. Hell, I don't know. I guess I never really let go of the anger I had. Not only because of how helpless I felt, but also the stereotype that I formed without even meaning to.

I know that I am not racist. I don't feel that a person's skin color is their defining factor and I know that it, in no way affects their ability in any way. I guess that I just have an issue that needs to be acknowledged and moved past. I hope that by realizing where the problem started, I can make sure it isn't an issue. Funny where a conversation can lead.


That is all,

Newt

Grocery Store

Hello All,

I went to the grocery store this evening (Thomas, the list is forthcoming) and as I was going to get milk, I saw this idiot was standing there blocking the fridge and talking into a cell phone. This really wouldn't have bothered me much except I wanted milk and he was more involved in his conversation than getting the milk he was blocking. However, this post isn't about the guy on the phone or milk. It is about a one legged man with an anger management problem.

The idiot finally got out of my way and I went and grabbed my half a gallon when I noticed that an older gentleman was standing two doors down near the Half n Half. He was a white guy around 65 and had a prosthetic left leg that had both a sock and a shoe on.

Why wear a sock? That was my first thought. Not, "Wonder how he lost his leg?" Nope, I wondered what possessed this man to get up, throw a shoe and sock on his right foot, and then proceed to put a sock on his plastic foot. Is it a habit? Symmetry? I just don't know.

As the idiot was yelling into his cell, he almost ran into the older gentleman's cart. As I put my milk in my own cart I made eye contact with the old guy and he stopped. He looked me right in the eye, gathered his thoughts, and said in a low voice, "I swear to God, if I could I would blow up every radio tower in this place. KERPLEW!"

Awkward!!! I just threw a "Yeah" out there and casually strolled away. The rest of my shopping experience had me wondering if he meant the towers that give the idiot cell phone service or the tower that provided the Muzak for the Tom Thumb. More importantly, WTF? That guy was crazy. I am pretty sure he was harmless but he had to have lost that leg somewhere and I imagine it was in a war.

Well, that is what happens when I run out of yogurt.

That is all,

Newt

Apologies

It has come to my attention that a few of the readers of this blog were slightly offended by my last post. Apparently, some people think I am disgusting and need to put a warning on my posts. So this is my apology for my previous post entitled "Dang, I hate that...".

I am sorry that you don't have the sense to stop reading something if it offends you. This is a humor blog. I am very seldom serious, and for anyone that knows me, you know that I don't care about your opinion, though it is welcome.

In most cases, I go right to the point. The second sentence of my previous blog set the tone for the piece and if you read sentence three, well that was your choice. And yes, I am disgusting. I know it, you know it. Hell, even my grandmother knows it. So don't act all shocked that I wrote something that was somewhat nasty.

That is all,

Newt

Dang, I hate that...

You know what's annoying? Touching your own butthole. Now, I'm sure your thinking "What the hell is that supposed to mean"? I came to this topic yesterday.

I was sitting on the shitter and had just finished folding my tp all dainty like (which is the only way to fold toilet paper) and was ready to go wipe when I guess I misjudged the distance. The next thing I know, my finger hit my poop shoot. I thought "Crap", literally. This is something that really bugs me.

It's not that its really that big a deal. I was going to wash my hands anyway, but when you expect to feel the soft plushyness of a Charmin and instead get the index, well, that is just not pleasing. Not to mention that if you aren't paying attention when you stand up, you just may use that finger to push down the flusher.

I think that this is one of those things that goes untalked about. Actually, we should discuss this issue and try to be more proactive in the Finger/Sphinxter phenomenon. In our modern day society we should have come up with a solution.

The toilet paper hand wrap was always a safe practice, but you are really wasting a lot of paper in doing that. There is also the disposable glove, but the practicality of that is questionable. The Angel Soft people should really be working on a solution to this epidemic that is swiping the nation. Yes, I did mean swiping.

That is all,

Newt

Island of the Sequined Love Nun

For anyone that checks here regularly, you probably saw that I had been reading Island of the Sequined Love Nun for the last couple of weeks. Well, last night I finished it and it was great. The author, Christopher Moore, is a weird dude and almost everything he has written that I have read has been good.

Island of the Sequined Love Nun is about a pilot, Tucker Case, who crashes a plane(owned by a Mary Kay knock off) and looses his license to fly. He gets an offer to go fly for a missionary on a remote island and has to take it because it is the only job he will be able to get. Instead of missionaries, he finds an island where the natives worship an image of a Bomber Girl from a war plane and their god is a WWII pilot named Vincent.

Throughout the book, Tucker uncovers a plot by by his employers to steal the kidneys of the islanders, as well as trying to stop himself from being killed and saving an entire island of natives.

The story was an interesting tale of redemption mixed with a Monty Python-esc humor. All in all, a very funny book, though I did feel funny caring it around with me as it is hot pink.

That is all,

Newt

The Rise and Fall of Foreigner

My essay focuses on the band Foreigner. When asked what I consider to be foreign, the first thing that came to mind was the '80's band that signifies all things foreign.

Foreigner was started in 1976 by two British musicians, Mick Jones & Ian McDonald along with four others. They started out with the self titled album Foreigner. It gave us hits such as "Feels Like the First Time" and "Cold as Ice". These were Top 20 songs. Their second album, Double Vision was even more successful selling five million records and contained both "Hot Blooded" and title track "Double Vision".

They continued putting out great music such as "Jukebox Hero", "Waiting for a Girl Like You", and "Urgent" which came off of their fourth album as well as "Head Games" from their third.

The leads of the band decided to attempt solo projects in the late 1980's but reunited in 1987 for another album. However, fans weren't impressed. After being gone for so long, a comeback wasn't in the cards.

Mick Jones tried reforming the band in 1990 and released an album that was unsuccessful. Subsequent attempts to reform also failed. This was another example of an 80's band that could not die out gracefully. But at their peak, Foreigner was a band to be reckoned with.

This is my essay on what I deem foreign.

That is all,

Newt

Shut Down

I was having trouble coming up with a post today and then I went to tell Diana something while I was in the kitchen. I immediately got told "I'm trying to watch this show!" And then it hit me; I had just been shut down. Thus, this post.

I absolutely hate getting shut down. If I need to tell someone something, it annoys me to no end when someone stops me from saying it. At work today, I went into my boss's office to show her that a package that I was supposed to have gotten two weeks ago just got delivered. I showed her the packet that came with it and she took it and started reading it. When I said, let me have it back, she stuck her index finger up to tell me "Oh no, I am reading and you will not talk to me." I, of course, paraphrased the meaning of the finger. I finally got fed up with it and said, "Just give me the packet, I have work to do and don't have time for this."

I am not going to be hypocritical about this. I am as guilty of this as anyone. I admit it, but I still hate people that do this, people like me. My mind works like this. If something comes into my head I try to say it, because if I don't I will probably forget it. So, if I start speaking, shut the hell up! This goes for you. Yes, you.

That is all,

Newt

Snakes on a Plane

Who isn't excited about the new movie Snakes on a Plane? I cannot wait for this thing to come out. I am deathly afraid of snakes and I will still be sitting at this film. The buzz behind it is awesome and every time I think about the premise I just laugh. Of all the things to try to kill someone with, are snakes really the best choice? No! But they sure as hell are a funny one.

Plus with Sammy Jackson in the lead it is extra awesome. I can't imagine anyone else playing in this part. If you go to http://www.snakesonaplane.com/ you can even email or call someone with a personalized message straight from Samuel L. Jackson. I sent one to Thomas that called him a suck up with a boyfriend. Ha.

It has been a long time since a movie has had this much build up. With all the publicity and projected success, we can only hope that Snakes on a Train is already in production. The possibilities for this franchise are limited only by the different number of transportation methods out there. Snakes on a Cruise Ship, Snakes in a Tanker, and with the space race still going strong we could even have Snakes on a Rocket.

OH, I JUST CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF.

That is all,

Newt

Aren't Movies Grand?

I got rest this weekend. We didn't leave the house very much and when we did we were eating. And it was awesome. We even drove to Hurst to get some Rosa's, which was much needed.

Anyway, to the point of my post. I love movies. Over the weekend I watched Memento and Dr. Strangelove, neither of which I had ever seen up to this point. These are two movies on opposite ends of the spectrum but both were none the less enjoyable. And I loved them both.

I know that people say that movies are getting repetitive and no new original ideas are being used, but really who cares. Movies are great. Sure, I hate the Scary Movie franchise as much as the next guy and I could really care less what the next Wayan's movie will be. But I can enjoy a remake if it is done well and there are still so many new ideas that are being made. Movies like 'Snakes on a Plane' and 'Little Miss Sunshine' make me want to rush out to the theatre.

So the next time you think "Damn, Jackie Chan is in another buddy comedy" just remember that there is a new Zach Braff film coming soon.

That is all,

Newt

My Oh My! An Old Naked Guy

Yesterday, as I was walking the dogs to check the mail, I heard a door open on my left. I had just finished scolding Hazel when I turned to see a man of about 65 or so standing naked in his doorway. Or so I thought. As I turned to see him, he was walking out the door. I could only see the right side of his body and it looked like he was naked.

The reason it looked like this is that he was wearing a thong. No, not flip flops but that nice piece of butt floss that no Grandfather should be without. I would have kept thinking that he was nude except that he turned back into his house once he saw me and I got a shot of his crotch. He was wearing an itsy bitsy, teeny weenie, YELLOW banana hammock.(insert shudder here)

After checking the mail (mostly junk in case you were wondering) I looked out the window of our apartment. It faces the pool so I could see the man was outside sunbathing in his little suit. Diana seems to think he must go out there because it is the only way he can get any action. At least it explains the sunglasses.

That is all,

Newt

Who's Your Daddy?

Well, if you are looking at the title of this post you might think I am going to go into some tyrannical rant about the greatness that is Newt. Well, Wrong. I use this title because last night I felt old.

Diana and I went to Kohls. Backup, before I give this story I must state a fact. I have never bought a pair of jeans that weren't from Old Navy. I have owned a couple of pair, but never have I put money down on jeans without the Old Navy Logo on them. It's the same with Boxers.

Back to the point. Last night, as I was walking around Kohls, waiting for Diana to finish shopping, I came across some jeans that were in my price range and looked decent. I picked up my size and tried them on and they seemed like a good fit. So I carried them away and went to find Diana. I was a little apprehensive about the pants.

So as soon as I see Diana I ask "Do you think I can pull these jeans off?" Why did I ask this? Because I am a little bit older and don't want to look like the old guy that kids laugh at for trying to look young. I know that 24 isn't old, but when I shop in the same isle as teenagers I get a little apprehensive. Not to mention that I am stepping out of my comfort zone. God I feel ancient sometimes.

That is all...because my arthritis is acting up and I can't type anymore,

Newt

I'm Back

Well, what a weekend, I got in yesterday and am exhausted. Diana wanted to go out to eat last night so we jumped in the truck and headed for food. Our journey ended up taking us to Don Pablo's, which I do not recommend. We didn't know that at the time but we learned from our mistake.

While waiting for our waitress, Diana and I looked over at a large group of teenagers that were sharing a table. There were probably 10 or so of them of varying disguises. John Hughes would have been proud of the cast.

There was the short ugly girl, the large kid who most likely ordered a meal with a number higher than his I.Q., the pretty one, the smart one, and the one that is the real focus of this post.
Facing us was the Popular one. And how did we know he was the Popular one. Well, he needed a haircut, he was wearing very preppy clothes and we saw him rub his phone on his face and everyone laughed. Why, because it was a Razr phone and he was shaving.

I hate to say it, but they thought it was funny. And what is worse, had this been my high school days I might have made the same joke. Life is cruel.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomen-Culture

I hate my life

Man, this day has/did suck. It all depends on when you are reading this. It is days like these that really make me hate my life. Isn't that ridiculous? I am healthy, have a decent job and have a great fiancee and yet I still say that.

I have been dreading this week for a while. It is a short week for me, or a long one depending on how you look at it. I only have to work until Thursday afternoon but when I leave work, I fly to Houston to attend a conference until Sunday afternoon. So I don't get a weekend, and I really needed one of those. Add to that the fact that I have actually been experiencing stress related to working and you can see the predicament I am in.

Oh, and I haven't gone twosies in 4 days. Yep, I don't know what that is all about because I keep eating. I am sleepy from partying these last two weekends, I may in fact fall asleep at some point today. But not likely as I am too buy working.

My one salvation is that I am going to go buy V for Vendetta tonight and will probably force Diana to watch it. Ha. Plus, they are having one of the greatest sales I have seen in a while at Circuit City so I am doubly excited.

Woe is me,

Newt

Concert People are the Greatest

Man, what is it about a concert that will make people do such crazy stuff? Is it the 100 degree heat? Is it the $7 beer? Is it that they will sit on a grassy knoll just to hear "Open Arms"? Yes. This weekend my little buddy Thomas, and his lovely bride came down to let their dog pee on my couch. Oh wait, scratch that. They came to watch a concert of epic proportions that was Journey/Def Leppard.

We got lawn seats and they ended up being pretty decent. But the amount of crazy that surrounded us was unbelievable. Case in point. Lets say that you are standing at a concert with a bunch of friends and its around 9 o'clock. Def Leppard has just started playing and all of the sudden that 15th beer hits you and you gotta go. What do you do?
a) wait for a song you don't like and run to the restroom
b) hold it no matter how long it takes because Dammit, Def Leppard rocks!
c) whisper to your wife that you need to pee and get her to hand you a cup

Well, if you said C then you must have also seen the dude in the Union Jack shirt whip it out and take a leak while his wife and friends casually blocked the view. And what do you do with said cup of pee? Well, you sit it on the hill and ignore the fact that it spilled.

Along with this lovely sight was the pasty whiteness that was the fat ladies ass that Jessica saw as the woman decided underwear weren't really her thing. She was nice enough to try to hide under a blanket as she did it.

All in all, the concert was pretty good. I am not as big a fan of Def Leppard as the rest of the crowd was, but Journey rocked it and that's all I needed. There was also the story of the Alcohol triplets, but I don't want to blow your mind. So I will just let Thomas tell you that one.

That is all,

Newt

Birthday Syndrome

Well, as many of you know my old lady had a birthday yesterday. She turned a whoppin' 24 and I am right behind her. So as I was getting a cup of coffee at work this morning I thought of something. You know how when you ask someone on their birthday how it feels to be (insert age here) and they say "Feels the same as when I was (year younger than age previously inserted)? Well I thought "Do we ever feel older?"

Think about it for just a second, I didn't. If every time you ask someone "How's it feel" and they always answer "Same as before" then we must never feel older. I feel fairly confident in making the blanket statement that everyone answers this question with the same answer, so it is now scientifically proven by me that we do not feel aging.

Now, sure if you ask how it feels to be 24 compared to 12 then you will get a different answer. For one thing, you will now have pubes. But if every year, you don't feel different than the day before, a time line will prove that at age 24 you feel the same as age 12.

Science is Awesome!

That is all,

Newt

Flashback: Fieldtrip to the Luxor

Well, for those of you who don't know, I used to keep a journal. I replaced it with this blog, so you should all be grateful for your involvemnt. It was very simple, consisting of one of those black and white College Composition books. I decided today I would reach back into those journals and share a day that was very interesting. Looking back, I read how incredibly crappy my day to day life was, but sometimes interesting little tidbits occur. Hell, if this works out I might do more of these. So I present to you "June 5th 2004. My commentary will be in red.

"Diana and I went to the Luxor tonight with Dan. I tried to get everyone else to go but they wouldn't.(My friends suck) After Erin's party, I came home and got ready and laid down to rest until it was time to go. Diana called and told me she was tired and tried to weasel out of going. I got ticked off and told her she didn't have a choice.(You hear that? That was the whip cracking) She came over and we left. We had to stop by the ATM and while we were there, Diana's card got stuck in the machine.(Only on the way to a gay club would the ATM eat a card) Dan paid our way in and we had a lot of fun.(Thanks Dan)
This was the 1st gay bar I'd ever been to and it was interesting. It was really dark and there were screens showing men dancing and kissing together.(They were also doing other things but I didn't mention it at the time) The bartender was cool. He would bow to us every time he made a drink.
Dan, Diana and I all danced to Techno, which I am surprisingly decent at. She and Dan get along great and I sat out some with Dan's friend Brandy and a cop named Officer Kissime(His actual name, not a stage name) who bought us a shot. We were sweaty and tired by the time we left but came home and had mind blowing sex for an hour.(This is what I wrote, I did not doctor this so apparently I must be an excellent lover)"

So this is what I wrote the first time I went to a gay bar. Looking back on it, it really was an awesome experience and I am glad I wrote it down. Especially when I am short on creativity for the Lily Pad.

That is all,

Newt

Break Time

Well, we had a whirlwind weekend with Dan and Dustin. We completed the tradition of eating at Macaroni Grill and went to the Allen Outlet mall. We went and saw "Strangers With Candy". We shopped til we dropped at the Galleria. We had alot of fun with them and can't wait for them to come back.

But now that they are gone, Whew! I am exhausted. I feel fat from eating out so much, no matter that the food was great. I didn't get nearly enough sleep the last couple of days and I am not actually sure when I will be able to catch up on it. I am broke now. Oh wait, I was always broke. Scratch that last one.

I love when people come to visit. It is a little break from the mundane that is normally my life. I get to show them places that I like and usually whoever is visiting will be up for things that I want to do. It gets me out of the house and makes me experience life. It also makes me feel lazy because I normally see that I am a homebody by the end of the weekend.

So, give me a few days to recuperate and then bring it on again. This weekend, we get Thomas & Jess. We also get Def Leopard and Journey. Luckily, they aren't as crazy as "The Gays".

That is all,

Newt

I need a drink

Boy Howdy. I have been working like crazy the last couple of days(note lack of posts). I have just taken on a position with my company as the Accounts Receivable person and during my training I am keeping my old job as well.

It has been a hectic first week training. The last two days I haven't had a lunch hour and to top it all off I have been going to work early to offset some stuff. I am craving a beer to relax so I am going to have to wait on Diana to get off so we can go find dinner and a happy hour. Heck, the last couple of days have been so busy I haven't even picked up a book.

I need a rest. Luckily Dan and Dustin, the Gays as my mom likes to call them, are coming into town this weekend for a visit. This means I get too talk comic books and penis' all weekend long. I am so excited. I might even go to a gay bar and play some Mrs. Pac Man.

Wheeeeeee!!!!!

That is all,

Newt

The Inlaws is comin'

Well, its finally happening. Diana's mom and stepdad are coming to visit. They never made it to our old apartment and now they are finally stopping into town for a couple of days to do some sightseeing and go to Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor.

This visit, of course, means that we will inevitably have to clean. Luckily we have other guests coming this weekend so cleaning was already on the agenda. I always have a problem when people come to visit because I am never sure how to entertain them.

My dad came a while back and, while I think he had fun, I was constantly uneasy about making sure that he was enjoying himself. Lucky for me, Diana's parents aren't coming to stay with us, just visiting for the evening. I am all together positive that I couldn't keep them entertained all weekend.

I suppose going to dinner will be an easy way to get their visit taken care of, though I am sure that I will only hear conversation about the wedding(which can't come fast enough in my opinion). Plus we will be having two 14 year olds as Diana's stepdad is bringing his daughter and a friend. Wheee!!!

Oh what joy I have to look forward to on Wednesday. I guess comic book day will have to be postponed until Thursday.

That is all,

Newt

If I were a rich man...

Yesterday, we went to the Horse Races. Horse Races are when a bunch of silly people look at a book that has tons of information that they really don't understand, and then they look at the horses name and pick the one they like the best. Then they put money that the horse they pick will win the race, or come in second or third.

Yesterday at the Race Track in Grand Prairie, it was Dollar day. That means that parking, entry into the park, beer, soda, and hot dogs were all only a buck each. Diana, Erin and I, along with one of Erins friends, decided along with the other bazillion people that this was too good a deal to pass up.

The great part about this all was that I walked out winning. No, I can't retire but I went in with $10 and had I not blown $8 on two bad bets, I would have walked out with $20. Instead, I ended up with $12.70. But, hey at least I was a winner. And I did loose a litte before my winning streak started, so I did pretty good.

And boy howdy, a hot dog for a buck was a good deal. I only ate one, but just the idea that the plentifulness of the hot dogs is enough to make me smile. I can only assume that Dollar day was initiated yesterday because it was going to be about 100 degrees and they new that there was no other way that people would go. Still, it was a lot of fun.

Oh the possibilities for my big profits, I guess I will be able to get tea for a couple more days from Chick Fil-A now.

That is all,

Newt

The Biography of Newt

Hello all, today we delve into the psyche that is Newt the Wonder Frog. My biography is this: I am constantly trying to become something better than myself. If you don't have anything to say, Stop Talking. I just don't care!

What? Better than you already are. That is impossible you say, and I can't blame you, I am pretty terrific. Terrific is a funny word. Terrific, I like that. Anyways. I will now regale you with the Biography of Newt.

I am a six foot tall blob. I am forty pounds overweight and I am trying to get better. I have a 4o dollar a week habit that is worse than drugs because it is legal. That addiction is comic books. I am happy about 60% of the day, and the other 40 is spent at work. I constantly pick my nose. So what. Quit judging me about it. I like to stick my finger up there and dig. So sue me. I will alternate fingers to adjust for the density of a booger. And, I occasionally bring them to my mouth before I catch myself. This is like an alcoholic who almost drinks. I used to eat my boogers and it is still embedded into my mind that as soon as a finger leaves my nose, it should enter my mouth. But I do stop myself. I haven't consumed snot since 7th grade.

I am constantly trying to be funny. I will tell jokes that will make people laugh. I will also tell jokes that don't make people laugh. And when that happens, I make fun of myself because they will at least laugh at the paltry excuse for a human that is in front of them.

I love Diana. This is what really defines me. That and reading. I used to only read comics but then I discovered this lost art called books and I have never been the same. If you don't read, well SCREW YOU! It is a sad day that a book doesn't do it for you.

I hate people. Not persons, but people. Crowds make me angry. Mob mentality has never made sense to me. Think for yourselves you fudging sheep. I don't cuss much, as my last sentence shows. I want to but I don't. People are stupid. That is a fact. What one person will deem unacceptable, a group will deem acceptable. And that is just ridiculous.

I hate my fat. But I live with it. My sister makes me angry beyond comprehension. She f*#*s her life away and then expects help. This is why people make me so angry. Individualism has left the building. I am tipsy. I like to masturbate. Quit judging me. You all do it, you prudes. Stop acting holier than thou.

Humanity should probably be wiped out and we should just start over. But, as I have a disbelief in GOD, this can only happen as a natural disaster and they seem to have the bird flu under watch. So I guess I will just have to keep on going. That's what we will all do. Ride the Wave!

That is all,

Newt

You Like Dat?

Well, I am so very proud of myself. Last night, after about an hour of playing with it, I finally got a picture placed in the sidebar of this very blog. I have to say, whoever came up with HTML is a smarter man than I. I really don't know exactly how I did it. I used some code that I found from a help site and then played with it until a picture appeared.

So now, I will be keeping you abreast of my reading habits. I will be trying to keep this updated so hopefully I can keep it up.

That is all,

Newt

What a Novel Idea!

I read a TIME article last week that posed the question "Who's the voice of this Generation?" It went into how throughout the years, authors have put out work that seemingly defines that generation, yet right now there is no real voice for people in the new millennium. It traces F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway to Salinger to Kerouac to Heller to Vonnegut and mentions a few people I have never really heard of as the later generation comes along.

I never really thought about this before, but I guess its true. Most authors now days right drivel, and the few that don't are either underappreciated or way to specialized to be considered our "Voice". They did mention two awesome writers that I personally read as candidates for the voice, but their age sort of keeps them out of the running.

It is interesting to think that throughout the last 100 years we have looked at a generation by the novels they read. Books like The Sun Also Rises and On the Road helped define their perspective time periods. Yet now it seems that The DaVinci Code and The Atkins Diet sell more that introspective books. I linked the article below.

http://www.time.com/time/archive/preview/0,10987,1209947,00.html

I guess when it comes down to it, we really won't have our own "Voice". Certain people will connect with one writer, while others will discover someone completely different. Our world has evolved past having one "Voice". We are just too different. Instead, we have to carry on a "Conversation".

That is all,

Newt

Depression

I am feeling a little depressed today. I was at work and one of the salesmen dropped off some papers at my desk. He called me later to ask if I had found them, they were directly in front of my computer and were as tall as a ream of paper. He said "Just wanted to make sure you found them since you weren't home when I dropped them by."

Not Home? As if I live at the Jarvis Press. Oh, wait. I do! I spend more time there than at my apartment. I have my own phone line, which is more than I can say when it comes to the house. My screensaver comes on and comic book covers appear. I can't even think of the last time I was home long enough for my laptop to have a screen saver turn on.

It almost makes me sick to think that the average person puts in more time at their job than they do at home. We make work as tolerable as possible. Putting up pictures, bringing our coffee mugs, maybe a radio or an oscillating fan or space heater.

I just heard "Not Home" and the rest of my day was ruined. Not to mention I found out how muh weight I need to loose to be considered not overweight. And I got a long way to go. I hope to be able to salvage what little time I have at home this evening. Of course, I just put five minutes into this blog, so I guess I don't have anything too pressing going on in my life.

Woe is me,

Newt

Mama Mia! Here I go Again...

So, last night I was dragged to another of the Dallas Summer Musicals. This time it was Mama Mia. The musical incorporates most of ABBA's music as it tells the story of a girl who is about to get married and at the same time trying to figure out who her father is. I will preface this all by saying that I did not want to go see this show. I can't stand ABBA's music. It grates me.

Saying that, the show was Awesome. It was funny and didn't use all of the cliched character designs that most of the musicals we have been watching do. I laughed out loud at most of this show. The story was almost endearing. I was pleasantly surprised.

I think the reason I liked it so much was, while ABBA music was used, ABBA wasn't singing. All of the songs were used to tell the story and weren't thrown in for no reason. And, at the end of the performance the entire cast came out on stage and sang and danced. It felt like I was at a concert.

I highly recommend this musical, which is saying a lot.

That is all,

Newt

Reading is Fun...demental

I have been rather lacking in this weeks blogs. Sorry about that. That stupid Holiday has made me all turned around. So, I wanted to post today about people who don't read. These people, and I term them "Stupid", are the people that "Just wait for the movie" or "Don't like to read."

I am going to stand on my soap box for this post. I know that it would be too much to ask that every person read a book. Hell, I would be happy if everyone set a goal that they read one book a year. But that doesn't happen. I wish I knew the statistics on how many people over the age of 18 have read one book in their adult lives. You would be surprised at how low that number probably is.

Why is it so difficult for someone to read a 300 page novel but the level of laziness is high enough that they can sit and watch four hours of whatever drivel is on TV? I firmly believe that there is a book out there for everyone. Now trying to find it poses the problem. I can pick up a novel and not be able to put it down. Why can't other people?

The level of stupidity in America is rising daily and I can, with great confidence, say that it is due to people having a negative attitude to read. Maybe we should reinstitute the Book It program, but for adults. For every book they read, they get a free bottle of beer...or something like that. Being an avid reader, it really pisses me off when I know without a shadow of a doubt, that if I asked a coworker if they had read so and so book, that their answer is no.

There, now I feel a little bit better. I think I will relax and finish the book I am reading.

That is all,

Newt

It's Independence Time!

It's that time again. Time to celebrate the independence of our great country. And what did I do this weekend to celebrate my independence? By independence, I mean I was left all alone for four days, but I digress.

Friday. Dropped Diana off at airport signaling the start of "Independence Weekend." After aerobics, I watched "Night Watch", read Lost by Gregory Maguire and played Paper Mario.

Sat. Went and saw "The Devil Wears Prada" and "Click", read Lost by Gregory Maguire, and played Paper Mario. Also watched Snatch.

Sun. Went to grocery store, read Lost by Gregory Maguire, and played Paper Mario. Seeing a trend here? Also watched "Stripes" w/Bill Murray.

Mon. Worked a little, there's something new. Finished reading Lost by Gregory Maguire(Yah!), and played Paper Mario. Also watched "Almost Famous." The only real noteworthy thing was that I did get to try a new Tai place, so there's that. I went to work out but the class was canceled so I went to Half Price books and found a memoir I have been itchin' to read.

You know, I am all for that independence thing, but I just don't think it fits me so well.

That is all,

Newt

I am a teenage girl

This afternoon, I decided since everyone had left for the weekend, leaving me all alone that I would take in a movie. What did I go see but the new Anne Hathaway film "The Devil Wears Prada" Most of you that know me can attest to my love of teen flicks. This movie is alittle to that vein and the estrogen level of the movie could be felt in the theatre as I was the only male in there.

No matter the stars, the movie was good. It was the coming of age story of a girl who gets a job at a fasion magazine and her trials in realizing what she wants out of her life. It was very formulaic but otherwise enjoyable. But no, it was no Ella Enchanted.

I also snuck in to "Click." Yes it was wrong of me to watch the movie without paying but really, it was "Click." Another six bucks to watch a movie about a man who gets to see how he doesn't appreciate his life and realizes it too late, then wakes up from the dream he is having so he can change it all. It's been done and Hollywood still hasn't figured out how to fix it.

That is all,

Newt

McEquality

I have a fairly regular tradition now that I work two miles away from Whataburger. At least once a week I go to eat there and take a book to read while I eat my #5: Bacon Cheeseburger, plain mustard only, Whatasized with an Ice Tea.

If you have never read in a fast food establishment then you should really try it. There is a level of anonymity that a book gives you. You can read and be left alone for most of the time you are there. You don’t get looked at because people assume you are reading.

During my literary lunches is when I discovered a fact that never occurred to me working two years at the wonder that is Taco Villa. Fast food is the great equalizer. From behind a book, newspaper, or magazine a person gets to people watch. And what you see is that EVERYBODY eats fast food.

In my forays to the lunch counter, I have seen beauties & beast, elderly & infant, male & female. Just a few days ago I saw an aged man with a chin that reached inches farther than it should accompany a Chinese woman with no facial hair. No eyebrows, no eyelashes. But they were drawn on. I saw a family of four that were avid golfers. I saw a girl who looked like she has never eaten a hamburger ordering a combo. Right behind her a woman who looks like she should be served in between a bun rather than ordering her sister.

Everyone eats out. Everyone. This is not a blanket statement. You will never be able to find a person who has never eaten at a Jack in the Box, McDonalds, or Burger King. Pick a restaurant. It doesn’t matter.

With Racism, bigotry and all around dislike for people in general, the fast food industry is the place where we can all come together. As long as you can afford to buy your dinner, it doesn't matter who you are. Name another time that you have eaten in the same room as a homeless person. Exactly. Even President Clinton was a fan of the Big Mac.

Unity should be defined by a combo number. And if you Upsize, then you'll have just increased the solidarity of the world.

That is all,

Newt

The Rafting Expedition

So, Saturday was the big White Water Adventure. I got my ship in the water right at 7 a.m. and started my journey along the canal. The weather was perfect. It was sprinkling off and on, but the amount was just enough that it cooled me down without getting me wet. I had a little bit of trouble with my oars. Word to the wise. If you buy a raft that comes with oars, the little rubber washers that come with them need to be inserted below the cuff. I was not informed of this until I had gotten tired of them moving and pulled them off, only to have one fall in the lake.

My rowing left little to be desired because after loosing my rubber washer, the oars wouldn't stay in the same place. I was constantly floating right or left because my rowing power wasn't equal. But, I got going and made it under the major street that the water goes under.

Another tidbit of info, If you are floating down a man made creek, check to see if there are drop offs. In my case, I came across my first right after the overpass I crossed under. Luckily there was a wall that was only three feet tall and I was able to lift myself and my raft up and walk it down into the next part of water. However, I did loose the other rubber washer in this endeavor.

I ended my journey after about an hour because I came upon another drop off that I had no way of getting past. I ended up turning around and rowing back home. All in all, I stayed in the water about two hours. I had a lot of fun and I might try to go again this weekend to a lake near our house. Below is the link to the slideshow of pictures for my trip.

http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLandingSignin.jsp?Uc=lmh0qs7.14x83emv&Uy=-45sbxt&Upost_signin=Slideshow.jsp%3Fmode%3Dfromshare&Ux=0&UV=201218357784_77691373111

That is all,

Newt

Chuck Palahniuk signing

Well, a couple weeks back I went to a book signing for Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. I waited to post about this because I got a picture taken by the girl behind me in line and was waiting on her to email it, but that hasn't happened so I will now recount the events.

I got to Borders for the signing about 6:15 and I am hella glad I got there when I did. The signing was to begin at 7 and since I hadn't heard any press about it, I assumed it would be slightly crowded but not too incredibly bad. I was wrong. When I walked in the door and purchased my copy of the book, Chuck was already signing. The line had snaked its way through the CDs, DVDs, gift books, and most of the smaller book sections and reached all the way to Childrens.

I got a white ticket to distinguish me from the pink tickets and stood in line. I can estimate that there were at least 200 people in line ahead of me and that is probably a lowball. At 7, Diana showed up and got to meet my new friends. Right behind me were three girls from Denton who had driven down to meet Chuck and as we had a long wait ahead of us, I struck up a conversation. I had hoped the line would zoom along, but Mr. Palahniuk decided to speak for 45 minutes so I had only moved about 50 feet in an hour and a half.

By the time we hit DVDs, it was time for dinner so I went to the cafe and got two teas and two chocolate chip cookies. This was the main course, as our appetizer consisted of a tin of Jelly Belly Jellybeans. My new friends and I started to get bored around 8 so we pulled out a piece of paper and started writing. That's right, we wrote. Each person would begin a short set of sentences and before they passed it on, they would hide what they wrote. The next author would then build off the last sentence written and at the end we would see what was produced. Interesting game if you ever need to kill some time.

All in all, I finally got my books signed at 10:50. You heard right folks. I was at Borders for 4 1/2 hours. The best part of the story. When I went to the bookstore a couple of days ago, I ran across almost all of the books I got signed on the shelf. All of them autographed.

Did I mention I stood next to Chuck Palahniuk?

Newt

I was Huck Finn in a previous life

On Monday I decided something. I decided I would go buy me a raft and float “The River.” In this case, my mighty Mississippi is the pond next to my apartment. For those of you who don’t know, our apartment is next to a park and in the park there is a pond. The pond runs out and goes under Macarthur and follows some streets. I am not exactly sure where the pond ends up but I intend to find out. So, with my trusty sidekicks Duncan and Hazel, we will float the river.

Below is the map. The blue part is where we will be floating. I plan to start in the morning so anyone driving around my area, swing by and see if you can spot me. I will try to take pictures and put them on here sometime next week.


Ahoy,

Newt

America DOES have Talent

So, last night after I got back from the gym, yes I did go to aerobics again, I was too tired to really do anything but read so I turned on the TV. What did I watch? America’s Got Talent. I started watching it because I assumed it would be a train wreck. I mean, c’mon. David Hasselhoff & teen sensation Brandy are the judges. But as I started watching it, I could understand the draw.

Random people audition their talents with the hope of winning a Million Dollars. Mind you, these talents are various and some are awful but that was what got me to tune in. Some of my favorites? The ventriloquist who, for the love of god I don’t know how, was able to speak while moving his lips. That wasn’t the trick though. The trick was he could speak normally while moving his lips like those Godzilla people. He would say “There’s Godzilla” but his lips would be moving in random ways like he was speaking Japanese. It was freaky.

There was also a magician who went into a giant microwave that filled with smoke and when he came out he was a black man. He even looked in his pants and jumped for joy. Funny stuff.

The rappin’ Granny finished out the show and I don’t care who you are, a 65 year old black woman dressed in a house dress that busts out with talk of bullets keeping her up til 4 am is Ggggrrreeeaaatt.

So, I now have a new show for the summer. I’m not saying I will watch it every week but if I am home, and lets face it I am usually am, then I will turn it on.

That is all,

Newt

I owe someone an Egg McMuffin

NOOOOOOOO! The Mavs lost the Finals. WHY, Because they didn't play well? Or could it be that I am cursed and placed a bet on the game? Now, luckily I didn't put money on the game. Instead I bet...breakfast. That's right, I owe Joseph, a guy I work with, a McDonalds Breakfast platter.

So, thanks a lot Dirk and while I hate the fact that Dallas lost the series, I am also disappointed that tomorrow morning I have to go through the drive thru to buy a payoff of a bet when I was so looking forward to the Egg McMuffin that I was supposed to get.

That is all...for the Mavs,

Newt

I'm So Excited and I just can't hide it!

So, as you all know, I got engaged. Due to this turn of events I will soon be getting engagement photos, and eventually photos, taken. There is one problem to all of this however, in that I am a fat ass.

Since moving to the Big D, and I do mean Dallas, I have put on a few more pounds then I would care to admit. So in an effort to start to trim down before the ill-fated picture day, Diana and I went to the Monday aerobics class at our apartments gym. This was not a pleasant experience.

I fully admit that I am extremely out of shape. But DAMN GENA! (Thank You, Martin) I was fairly sure that I was going to vomit after about half of that workout and by the end the blood was rushing to my head so quickly that I was pretty sure that my brain was boiled. I have never worked out that hard in my life. And I know that is sad as at 23 I am just feeling "the Burn".

There is another class on Wednesday and as of right now I plan on going, though depending on how easy it is to walk tomorrow, I may have to rethink the situation. But for now,

That is all,

Newt

Just what the Doctor Ordered

So, today at work we bought Pizza for a guy for his birthday lunch and while we were eating I broke. By that I don't mean that any part of me snapped off, though I have about 30 lbs that could fall off. No, I mean that I broke down and did something that I haven't done since High School. I drank...a Dr. Pepper.

For those of you who don't know, this was my drug of choice throughout most of my adolescent life. I would put back three or four of these a day. But I finally decided to kick the habit when I turned 16 and I haven't looked back.

Sure, I had some Dr. Pepper flavored Jelly Belly's and I would kiss Diana after she had drank one, intentionally I might add. But I never threw one back until today. What made me do it? you ask. I have no idea. It was just sitting there and I was out of water in my cup. I looked at it, staring longingly and remembering all the good time me and the Doc use to have. And I have to say, It was good.

Now don't worry. I'm not back on the wagon, or is it off the wagon? I never could get that one down. No, I just went for it and now I will probably wait a few years and then have another one. But, I just had to confess my sin.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomin-Culture

Civil War - Major Revelations

So, for anyone who read my last post on the greatness that is Marvel Civil War, issue two just came out and DAMN! I am going to warn that I am giving a major piece of news away but as no one who reads this reads comics I will now go for it.

Spiderman revealed his identity to the world. That's right, the secret is out. Iron Man held a press conference and Peter Parker announced to the world on national television that he was Spiderman and has always been. I am just getting my mouth off the floor.


This is monumental. So many things will change after this. His family will never be safe. The need for a mask goes right out the window and he won't have to be running from the law because with this, he is now registered. That means he is a government agent. A paid agent. He's no longer a vigilante.

I peed myself a little just thinking about it. Sometimes they say "After this things will never be the same" but this is really one of those times.

So for now That is all,

Newt

Zombies Rock

So, I am currently reading a set of Graphic Novels of the comic book series 'The Walking Dead' and can I just say that I am really getting turned around on the whole Undead thing. I use to think that zombies were stupid and had no value but after reading this and seeing movies like Shaun of the Dead I realize that zombies aren't stupid, well I mean they are because they have no thought process because they are dead, but they have great story value.

In 'The Walking Dead' a man wakes up from a coma and the entire world has been zombiefied. He goes looking for survivors and finds his family living with a group of humans. The story is really character driven and the zombies are used as a looming threat. They stop the humans from finding food and shelter, but are barely in the book. The real story happens after the zombies appear because people who you wouldn't normally care about are now interesting because we see how they survive.



Also, the use of zombies as a comedic device have numerous possibilities. Why, I was just reading 'Marvel Zombies,' which is a zombie take on the Marvel superheroes, and lets just say that when Zombie Hulk eats a leg of a person and then changes back to Bruce Banner, the leg doesn't fit so well and busts out. Pure comedy gold. Plus, Zombie Spiderman is even funnier than regular Spidey.

All in all I have really changed my opinion of Zombies. And with that I say...

That is all,

Newt

A Modest Proposal

I AM ENGAGED!!! Well, now that we got that out of the way, I now present to you...my proposal.

Have you ever proposed to someone? Well, if you have then you know that it is very helpful if the person being proposed to wants to go out to where you want to propose. In my case Diana, the bride to be, was not so helpful. You see, we had previously decided to clean our filthy apartment and I thought this would help my cause because once we were done I assumed she would want to go out to a nice dinner. Wrong. Instead, I got dressed nicely and she informed me that she didn't want to get dressed up. She wanted to stay in her jeans.

Well, let me tell you that didn't sit to well with my dinner plans but I am not a quitter, so instead I asked her "Where do you want to go eat?" thinking that at least we could go eat somewhere of her choosing. This was when my second bubble burst. "I don't really want to go anywhere. I am too tired."

So, guess what happens when a groom to be tries twice to get his soon to be fiancee to go to dinner and is declined. He gets pissed. After a few minutes of fuming and saying that I would just eat whatever we had in the pantry, I just said "Get in the car, we're going to Fuddruckers." That's right, Fuddruckers, where you can get the World's Greatest Hamburger.

So, after a while over my Bacon Cheeseburger, I looked at my phone and noticed that Thomas had text me and it got us talking about planning weddings, as Thomas was at a wedding hence the discussion. Well that got Diana to say "I am not looking forward to planning a wedding," and being the smart ass that I am I said "Great, does that mean I don't have to propose?"

Let's just say that comment set Diana off. She started yelling and saying, "You just need to shut up about it. Either propose or stop talking about it because I am getting tired of your comments. You know, you say you're joking but maybe there is a hint of truth when you say stuff like that." I had the RING IN MY POCKET. How ironic is it that she said that when she was just feet away from her ring. So I just said ok and got up from the table and went to the restroom. We left shortly after that.

Now to the part on how I was going to propose to begin with. I had gotten one of those little toy holding bubbles that things come in when you buy them out of the turn machines. I had put her ring in it and after dinner I was going to find one of those machines, tell her that I couldn't wait any longer, and buy a toy ring and switch it out with the one I had. Then I was going to trick her into thinking I was proposing with a toy and then she would be surprised to find a real diamond on her finger.

That isn't how it happened. Instead, we came home and sat on the couch and I slid down to the floor and then crawled up on my knees and asked "Are you still mad?" She of course said yes and then I asked "Do you still love me?" I didn't get a lot of enthusiasm but she gave me an "I guess."

I pulled the bubble out of my pocket and said "Honey, I bought you a ring from the machine at the restaurant." She didn't think this was funny but I popped the ring out and kept it hidden. I told her I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and took her right hand and started sliding the ring on her finger. She kept saying "This isn't funny" and then informed me that I had the wrong hand.

After switching hands, I got the ring on the right finger and asked her to Marry Me. She finally started to wonder and said, "Are you serious?" I pulled my hands away so she could see the ring and asked her "Does this look serious to you?" And she cried. It took a while but I finally told her she never answered my question and she finally sobbed "Yes"

So that is how Trinity and Diana got engaged. If anyone wants to hear the story, you can now forward them to the written version and save yourself the trouble.

That is all,

Newt

Daytime TV, Oh how I missed you

Don't you just love Jerry Springer? Poor Liz, her husband is sleeping with his step-sister, but she is here to get him back.

"This Marriage is supposed to be 50/50 not 50/25" But can you blame Randy, "I love my sister, and I don't love you, don't need you". But Liz isn't going to give up so easily. "It takes two to tango, buddy."

Randy sheds some light on why he felt the need to sleep with his sister. "The first four years was pretty good, then we was married, and our love just fell, like when I go out playing Horseshuuus, and she starts yelling "Randy!"

But I sure thought they could reconcile. Then we met Sis. What a catch. Bleach blond hair, skinny as a Ethiopian, and oooh that gap in her teeth was ssssmokin. She was there to fight for her man/brother. That's when Jerry brought up what I think is a very good point, "Don't you feel strange being with your brother?"

Sis responded,
"I'm not blood, were step" and that's where I think the real logic lies.

There was a heated debate between Liz & Sis though. After taking her unborn baby into consideration, Sis informed Liz that "If yous wasn't pregnant I'd put you on the floor".

Liz didn't seem to appreciate all the concern for her kids, and she let Sis know it.
"You don't tell me how to raise my kids"
In which she responded, "No cause I raise 'em better"

But poor Liz got a little info from Sis, "You're the one done him like you did him!" Oh, no wonder he went to sleep with his sister. After a little bit more heated debate, Liz's plea doesn't fall on deaf ears, "I love you from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head," and lets just say that's one hell of a trip,

But Randy still has some hesitation so Liz tries another tactic. "I only have one thing to say, YOU WILL COME BACK to raise our kids, YOU WILL."

After a while Randy comes to a decision, "I'm goin back home to my babies". Sis don't take that too well. However, she does have a classy side to her, as she flashes the audience. Now that's class.

Everything does come into clarity as it was revealed they were all from OHIO. For some reason this causes the audience to dance. I am not making this up. They actually got up on stage and danced, like OHIO was the secret word or something.

Final thoughts?

That is all,

Newt

Go Mavs!

So, I am starting to catch the fever. That's right, last night I went to Dave & Busters to watch the Mavericks win Game 1 of the Finals 90 to 80 against the Miami Heat. This is a monumental day for a number of reasons. Number one is that I, and by I I mean Diana, bought a Mavericks shirt and wore it out last night. Second, I actually care if we win, and for those of you that know me that is a new development. Third, I watched the game. No, really I did. I'm serious. The first half was kind of hard to see since we were at a bar, but we watched the second half at Erin's so I could both see and hear the game.

Now, I am more a fan in the sense that I want the Mavs to win and will enjoy being from a city with a winning team. But that shouldn't discount my support. No, I probably couldn't name more than a few of the players and yes, I did just find out that Avery Johnson is black but who cares. I live in Dallas, and when in Dallas you root for the home team.

Go Mavs. Oh, and by the way, for anyone who watched the game and saw Terrel Owens get interviewed, I just have one comment. That guy is a douche bag. He is already disliked in the city of his new team, but last night while being interviewed he had on a Miami Heat Jersey. His reason? "Shaq is my boy, and friendship runs thicker than Blood" or something like that. Keep diggin' T.O. One day you won't be able to buy your way out of that hole.

That is all,

Newt

Go Mavs!

After Devil Day

So, yesterday was 06-06-06 and guess what. As far as we know, the Devil made no appearances. Yes, some religious groups did hold all day prayer sessions so maybe there was a little help, but all in all I didn’t notice anything different. I had hoped that at least the sky would have turned red or maybe the pond by my lake might dry up but I was slightly disappointed.

Now, the fact that the new remake of The Omen was released yesterday was a great little bit of press. I also know that some CDs were release to correspond to the big 666 day. Heck, even I got in spirit and felt like going out and seeing the movie just because the big day only happens once every 100 years.

The biggest thing that happened to me was that my little girl, Hazel, had a birthday yesterday. It did seem a little odd that my demon of a dog celebrated her birthday on the day of the Devil, but so did everyone else. One little fact that I did hear, women were rescheduling their births to avoid having their babies born yesterday. And I can’t blame them.

So Happy Belated Birthday to Hazel who turned two and to anyone who was born on 06-06-06, I hope your nannies don’t kill themselves on your fourth birthday.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomin-Culture

Motion Lotion

So, you know how women have all sorts of “nether region” creams? Some of them freshen, some of them just make it smell nice, and some are just to keep it look youthful. Well, I gave it some thought and decided that Men should have a cream that does all of this in one little bottle. I call it…‘Weiner Cleaner’.

That’s right guys. Imagine a cream just for us. One that can be massaged in to your frankfurter and will clean, de-age and add that lovely fragrance that makes a boy feel like a man. ‘Weiner Cleaner’ is the be all and end all of revitalizers. It can be applied numerous times and must be worked into the skin quite thoroughly. Just take the tubular pink bottle and squirt. A little dab will do it.

‘Weiner Cleaner’ from Head and Shoulders.

That is all,

Newt

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Well, another fun filled weekend was had in Midland and I am so glad that I am home. For the past few weeks, mine and Diana's weekends have been taken up with funerals, family reunions and weddings. It has been at least two weeks since I have had days that I would consider as "off" and my poor Diana has been away from home for 5 weekends in a row.

So, I am ever so excited to say that this weekend, my life will be boring. No driving out of town, no fulfilling a previous commitment, nope we will be at home and taking in the solitude. I use to think that sitting around on the weekends was a horrible way to spend a couple of days. Now I revel in it. It is funny how when you are in high school, the only thing you want to do is GO, but when you hit the working world all you want to do is STOP. Little breaks in reality.

That is all,

Newt

Mawedge

Tomorrow, my friends Ashlee and Clinton will be married. So, Congratulations on that. Luckily, I am not in the wedding, but Thomas is and now he will know the Hell he put me through. This means that I am headed to Midland, Tx tonight. That’s ok though because I bought three new CDs that Diana wasn’t happy about so we have plenty of music to listen to on the ride. So, for those of you that I will see, “See you soon.”

That is all,

Newt

I did it! Yeah me! - A remembrance

So, I just went on vacation to Alabama and while I was sitting around with my aunt Mickey, she told this story.

"One day, when Trinity was in High School, he came home from school and said, "Aunt Mickey, you would be so proud of me. I finally took a dump at school." He was so proud of himself."

Now for those of you who have never been regaled with the tales of my "stage fright" at school, I couldn't go two-sies at school. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I had a "stomach ache" and my poor old Granny would come pick me up and run me to her house so I could drop the kids off at the pool. I also had the same problem in most public places and my mother can attest to the numerous situations where I was clenching as she furiously drove home from some shop.

But, in the 10th grade, I finally did it. I broke down and during a zero period(which is the period before 1st for those of you who don't know what that is) I located the teacher's bathroom and did it. I crapped at school. To this day this is still one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. Since this time, I have slowly begun to work through my problem. I can easily go at work, and if I go to a Target, well lets just say the gates open.

So, as I thought this story was funny, I decided to post it for all the world to read. Aren't you all so proud?

That is all,

Newt