That looks like S#!+

A terrible tragedy has befallen the Wonder frog Dynasty. With our new house comes home upgrades and we are currently in the stages of painting the Master Bathroom. My homosexual side came out when I decided we needed to have an Accent wall in our bathroom that was to be Chocolate Brown. So, Tuesday night I was doing some secondary touch ups on the wall to cover what my base coat had missed. I was on a ladder when Diana walked in. She is in Canada and was packing for her trip.

She went into our closet, which is in our Master bath, and as I was coming down the ladder I wasn't paying attention. I thought I was one step lower than I was and fell backwards. In the process I grabbed the ladder and knocked a lid full of paint onto the brand new carpet in our closet. It now looks like a dog shit all over our carpet and dragged it.

Needless to say, I am now having to get more carpet for our closet.

That is all,

Newt

If I was Invisible...

No, I am not singing that Clay Aiken song, though it sure is catchy. First, let me start by saying that I believe my creative side is linked to my bladder because I come up with some of my best stuff when I am peeing. Case in point, What would I do if I could become invisible?



I decided that if I could become invisible I would eat a lot of beans and randomly walk around loudly farting next to really attractive people. If done correctly, I could make everyone believe that some hot girl let one rip and it would smell awful. I'm not kidding either. My farts can get really rank. They smell like liquid Ass.

Back to what I was saying, the possibilities are endless for my inviso-toots. You could wait until some guy was standing at a urinal and let a loud one go. No one would believe him when he said he didn't do it. Or you could get pay back on that girl that said no to you when you asked them out in high school by going to her wedding and as she leans in to kiss the groom, wet fart. That would teach her to turn you down.

The penultimate would be if you just inviso-farted in a room with only one person in it. They would be sitting there and hear one rip while they were all alone. How weird would you feel if you heard a fart and smelled it when you were the only one home. Creepy. Dammit I wish I could become invisible.

That is all,

Newt

Fenced In

We got a fence!!!! I came home yesterday and this Mexican guy was just putting up the last pickets on our brand new fence. Do you know what this means? I don't have to walk the dogs anymore!!!

As soon as the fence was complete I started doing yard work. I figured out how to turn my sprinkler system on, went to Lowe's and bought some hedge trimmers, trimmed the hedges and cleaned. What is it about having something new that makes you want to clean? I can only figure that it is because when you look at your shiny new whatever you got, you just want everything else to be shiny and new too.

Duncan and Hazel love their new back yard and I we can now start leaving Hazel out during the day. Hopefully they don't dig their way out.

That is all,

Newt

A True Scary Story

Last night Diana and I watched a horror film. Most of you may never have heard of it but it is a documentary about a cult that is hiding in middle America. The story focuses on kids as they are brainwashed into a dark religion of hatred and fear. They are placed into classes with other students and preached to about eternal damnation and the Devil.

Their parents, also followers in the cult, keep their children at home and teach them as opposed to sending them into the world of public school. You may have heard of this cult. They call it...

CHRISTIANITY!!!

The movie was called "Jesus Camp" and it follows a sect of Evangelical Christians as they teach their children the love of the Lord through screaming, threat of eternal damnation, and hatred of anyone that is different. You would just have to watch the movie to see all of the scary shit that goes on but for example...

There was a 9 year old girl who goes up to a group of black men and asks one of them "If you died today where would you go?" The man answers "Heaven" and the girl asks "Are you sure?" He says yes so she and her friends leave and the girl says to her friends "I think they were Muslim."

The ideas these people have made my mouth drop. I was so amazed at the fact that these people can blatantly make statements like "Christianity is the only thing that answers all the questions...If you ignore science and use Christianity." (this is paraphrased because I forgot the exact wording.) Or when the same woman teaches her son that "Global warming isn't a big deal."

While I normally shy away from organized religion because these people scare me. This is a radical representation of Christianity but it is the crazy people in any area that keep people away. When I see kids speaking in tongues it just doesn't seem like the kind of thing I want to be a part of. Everyone should see this movie.

That is all,

Newt

Holy Lawn Care Batman!!!

Well I suppose I am officially a homeowner now. Sure, I have redone a few things here and there. Textured walls, painted, had carpet installed, etc. But Wednesday I completed a rite of passage known as "The First Mow".

I am an old pro at mowing yards but to actually own the yard I was mowing is quite a feat. To be more precise, I actually mowed weeds with an occasional blade of grass thrown in. My mother-in-law to be was kind enough to give us her lawnmower, weed eater and blower so I was all set. My yard being so small, it didn't take long to finish.

Yesterday I went out and bought a spreader and some weed killer/fertilizer and put that out so hopefully I can get a lush green yard instead of a plot filled with weeds of unknown origin.

That is all,

Newt

Sangria, the hidden dangers

Yesterday, Diana and I were running around and found out her dad was coming to Dallas for Spring Break. They were coming to look at the house so we rushed home to meet them. We came in and the house smelled really wheaty, almost as if a beer had been spilled and left to sit. Diana started giving her dad and step mom the tour when I found the cause of the smell.

My good buddy, Dan had given us a bottle of White Sangria for Christmas and I had sat it on our bar in the wine rack. I walked into the dining room to try to locate the smell when I saw a cork laying near the wall. I looked at the bar and the bottle of Sangria was empty.

I don't know why but during the day, the bottle popped its cork and since it was on its side, began to pour all over our bar, table, and floor. It took forever to get cleaned up and I had to throw the runner that was on the bar in the trash. I even had to take the bar apart to get all of the Sangria that had leaked into it.

Needless to say, our floor is sticky. And not in a good way.

That is all,

Newt

Not the taste, or the smell...It was the texture

Well what a crazy weekend. My dad, Tebo, came down to the big D this weekend to help me texture our bathroom walls. Boy was I glad because I am fairly certain that I would have failed miserably at it had he not been there. We went to Home Depot and rented a hopper to texture with and by Saturday at 1 we, and by we I mean mostly dad, were finished.

We spent the rest of the day hanging with Cousin Kristy and I finally went to one of the bars around my house. I have been hoping to find a place to go for a beer that wasn't ridiculously expensive or far away and I think I may have found such an Oasis. It is called The Sterling Bar and Grill and holds pool tables, shuffleboard, and moderately priced beer.

The best part of dad's visit was after we got back from the bar. Diana and I own this game called Charoodles. It involves using props and playing Charades. You get a series of things to act out and have to use one of the props during your actions. Well, Dad got 'Superhero Abilities' and if you have never seen a 52 year old man try to act out Mind Reading, Invisibility(in which he went and hid behind a wall), Flight, and Super Strength then you have not lived. The best part is his face every time Diana guessed an answer correctly.

To finish off the weekend, Dad installed a dog door in our back door before going back to Midland. I was so happy to have his help because I would not have been able to get the things done that we did without him.

Thanks Dad,

Newt

Captain America R.I.P.

Well, for those of you who haven't heard, Captain America was killed in issue 25 of his series. While being escorted from prison following his surrender at the end of Marvel's Civil War, a sniper working for Cap's Arch nemesis, the Red Skull, shot him through the chest.

In the commotion, Captain America's girlfriend, Sharon Carter, shot him three times in the stomach. I know, what a bitch. But cut her some slack. She was under the control of the Red Skull at the time. How would you feel if you killed the man you love and had no control over it.

The reason I am writing this post is that this story has hit the media and made a big stink. I was reading some responses to the MSN story and people were saying that killing Captain America was political and unAmerican. That Marvel made a mistake in killing him since we are at war. I have also read people say that this is all a ploy to sell more comics.

To this I say, "No Shit!" That's what Marvel does. It sells comics. And fuck you, public opinion. Your opinion is ridiculous. Almost all of the people who have commented on this story don't even read comics. They weigh in on his death but they don't read. Why the hell do you care? You haven't been reading it. You read the story online and thought, "Well that's unAmerican. They destroyed a symbol of freedom." Bull. People make me so angry. They comment on things that they don't know about and try to make it sound like they care.

You can watch an MSN report on it Here. And an interview with the writer of Captain America, Ed Brubaker Here.

That is all,

Newt

Tuber...It's not a Tuber

What is up with the soggy fry? Diana and I went to Whataburger for breakfast last week and I got fries and low and behold, there was a soggy fry in the fry container. Having worked fast food for years I never could understand why people under cook the fries.

First, french fries are to stay in really hot grease for 3 to 3.5 minutes. If you are in a hurry, 2.5 minutes will do but it just never tastes as good. I understand the term is 'Fast Food" but who can't wait that long?

Second, there is this disdain for the world that occurs when you have been eating crispy, salty fries and you reach in and grab a soggy spud. I mean, c'mon. Cook all the fries. I shouldn't have to miss out on that heart clogging goodness just because Rosita, the fry lady can't keep her fuckin' basket in the oil. It has a timer Rosita, a timer! That means you don't pull the baskets out until the beep!!! WHY DO YOU HATE THE FRIES, ROSITA!?! YOU STUPID BI...

Whoa, that got out of hand.

That is all,

Newt

Bounce back

Last night Diana and I went to dinner and I had to pee. So I went to the bathroom and stood at the urinal when I realized that I was in flip flops. Women, you have probably never faced this problem unless you just have a weird stream but if you wear flip flops to the urinal, you had better be damn careful about pee splashing.

There is a fine art to peeing in a urinal. Aim to high and you get a fine mist of pee shooting back at you, aim to low and you create a popping that causes pee to fly at you like a grenade. Normally this is an acceptable occurrence but if you happen to be in sandals or flip flops, you will walk away with pee on your feet. You do not want pee on your feet.

Luckily, I didn't just go all willy nilly and let fly before checking my surroundings. I was able to flow without any overflow, if you know what I'm saying. I remember when I used to go to Ulmer Park Swimming Pool and would use the urinals that dropped straight down to the floor. We were to dumb to realize you needed shoes in a swimming pool bathroom and I would always end up with pee on my bare feet. Luckily I would just get back in the pool and let the yellow wash away. I love Chlorine.

That is all,

Newt

Cry me a River

I was watching a movie today called 'The Puffy Chair' and two of the characters get in a fight and break up. When they decide that their relationship is over they do that 'hug and then sort of kiss.' This made me think of the break-ups I have had and those goodbyes that I went though.

As my mind tends to wander, breakups made me think of the Salty Kiss. You know that kiss that you have when the girl has shed a few tears over your final goodbye. Alright, so maybe I am the one that sheds the tears but dammit, I am a sensitive dude. You go in for a hug and then have that awkward last kiss that is a mixture of lips and tears. It's always really warm and moist. I only assume that everyone has had these kisses. They are also around during fights.

Fighting seems to be a catalyst for tear kisses. And is it just me or does everyone fear that the tears are really snot and the salt is just boogers running over your lips as you kiss? I know that is gross but seriously, it could be boogers you are kissing goodbye. Boogers!!!!

That is all,

Newt

Where's Waldo?

So I had this awesome conversation with Erin on Sunday about Where's Waldo. You guys remember Waldo? He was that strange guy that would always go to huge raves and dress out of place. He sporadically showed up in group photos; he was always peeping out of random areas.

Well, Erin was telling me about a classmate of hers that came to school on picture day dressed as Waldo and when the yearbook was done, he had hidden himself in some of the photos and would go circle his picture when he signed your yearbook. That is genius.

Well, this begs the question: Where's Waldo? He was so popular when we were in grade school and now it seems like the books where kids find stuff has disappeared. I would love when a new Waldo book would come out and I would try mercifully to determine where that guy was. And does anyone remember his dog Spot? That was such a clever name. I love that guy.

That is all,

Newt

23' Skiddooo!!!

On Tuesday, my friend Allison and I got to go see the premiere of 'The Number 23' with Jim Carrey. It was pretty good though it was less about going mad and more about figuring out the history of the book that the number comes from. And it was no where near as bloody as I had hoped.

But that's not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is going to an advance screening and all that is involved. First, you have to get there really early. If you don't, you won't make it into the theatre. I got to the theatre an hour and a half before the start and there were already people there.

Second, there is this subset of the movie going population that are constantly at movie screenings. Two of the people standing next to me were in this little club. I say club because one of the guys was actually in a movie review club and would go to advanced screenings and then write reviews. He said he has been going to screenings for 21 years.

If you know where to look, you can find all of these free tickets if you read certain websites and newspapers. Then, you can just go to all the free movies you can fit in. It is actually a pretty genius idea. You get to see movies that haven't even been released yet for free. Pretty cool.

That is all,

Newt

Thumbstruck

Well, I went yesterday and got a classic controller for my Wii and downloaded Mario Kart 64 and Street Fighter 2. So my post is going to be about the up/down/left/right buttons on the old game controllers.

I have never been very good at fighting games but when I used to play Street Fighter I could always make Chun Li do her kick ass flying kicks. Well, apparently that is no longer the case. With the advent of the joystick on the controller I have sadly lost my ability to use the old U/D/L/R controller. I tried and tried to make her do a spin kick but couldn't. But I did remember...

Back in the old days there was a thing called combos. This was where a player would have to hit crazy button progressions to make a fighter do something, the most memorable of these being the 'Fatalities' in Mortal Kombat. Why was Kombat spelled with a K? Anyway, I guess I emptied my brain of all of the old moves you had to do in Street Fighter because when I played last night, all I could do was punch and kick. I had to set the game to zero difficulty just to beat Ryu.

I wonder if our thumbs have slowly become desensitized to the combo. Sure, they still exist. But they are no where near as elaborate as they used to be. I miss being 10.

A, B, B, Up, Right, Down, X, Y, X.(this means That is all)

Newt

Spit Happens

Have you ever been driving down the road and you generate a lugy that you subsequently must spit out the window? I know I have. This week I have had a lot of drainage from a cold of some degree and constantly have to spit. In one instance a couple of days ago I was driving and got this monstrous lugy. I rolled down my window and aimed but when I spit I missed the extremely large open window and hit the top of my door.

Now I don't know if any of you have ever missed when spitting but it is disgusting. You can't roll up your window because then the spit will just slide down the glass. Of course I was driving so I also had to clean it up while on the road. Even worse, it dripped down onto the arm rest.

Imagine if you will: I spit, cold air coming in the open window, snotty saliva drips down, I have my left arm hanging in the air so I don't put my elbow in it all while driving down the highway. Fun.

That is all,

Newt

Yesh, Officer I do love my fiancee...

Well, It's Valentines Day and I just thought I would tell you a little story. Diana finally surprised me with a gift that I didn't guess I would get. I got a box in the mail a few days ago and was forced to wait until this morning to open it. I got Diana a 6 month membership to the Wine of the Month club, where you get two bottles a month from various wineries.

I was very excited about opening my present. I had made plenty of guesses as to what was inside. It is very rare that I can't guess what I get which annoys Diana to no end.


Well I was very surprised at what I got. I got the Alcohawk Breathalizer. Screw Chocolates.

Thanks Honey,

Newt

Hurling down the street...

Today's post is being written to discuss eating after puking. Saturday, my dear cousin Kristy and I went to Austin to visit our cousins Micheal and Daniel. We left Dallas on Saturday and drove back on Sunday. Saturday night was crazy and I went overboard in my alcohol consumption and proceeded to Drunk dial people, proclaim that I am a Sex God, and subsequently pass out.

Surprise, Surprise. I had a hangover on Sunday. I woke up puking and didn't stop til around noon. Thank God for Pepto Bismal. Now that all that has been discussed, we can go into our real topic.

It occurred to me yesterday that when you have been violently ill, eating is the last thing you want to do. But there is always this moment where your stomach finally says, 'You know, I have been pushing stuff out all day and I think I'm ready to start putting things back in'. Does anyone know what I am talking about? You go from nauseous to hungry and the first bite of food is tricky, then it gets a little bit better. You build up until you can actually eat and that food is so great.

My threshold food as Whataburger. I ate a little and stopped just in case I got sick again. About an hour later, I was starving and Kristy stopped at another Whataburger and I got fries and a shake. Salty fries and a chocolate shake are such a good hangover snack. The celebration my stomach had over those fries made them taste like they were the greatest fries ever.

Every thing I ate after that was good. All because my stomach was so empty that nourishment was appreciated so much more.

That is all,

Newt

An Evening with Bill Clinton

As some of you may know, I am a lucky bastard when it comes to winning crap on the radio. Tuesday was no exception. I played a random game on a talk station I listen to(105.3 Free FM) and won two tickets to hear Bill Clinton speak at the Nokia Theatre in Grand Prairie. Democrat Diana was out of town so my dear Elephant supporting cousin Kristy and I went to hear him last night. Much to our surprise, we actually enjoyed it.

I have fallen away from the Republican party somewhat over the last couple of years and have become quite passive in politics. I think this allowed me the ability to enjoy what President Clinton had to say.

It was a very un-partisian speech. His main topic was discussing Americas Global image and what he felt were some important issues and how to face them. There wasn't any Republican bashing and very little Democrat praising. Instead he went over the numbers(more than likely skewed in his favor) of how America is viewed around the world and how we could be doing more to fight AIDS, Tropical diseases, Global Warming, etc. He laid out a case for peace through talking and his opinions on avoiding war when possible.

The night consisted of a speech of about an hour and a half followed answering questions that the audience had submitted. The host for the night was extremely irritating, constantly kissing butt. He actually said, "When I told people I was coming here to host this event they told me 'you're the luckiest guy in the world' and 'this is the greatest day in your life' and as I stand here I have to say that they were right'. Imagine a Inside the Actors Studio for the President.

We did leave before it was over, but that was because I had to work early and needed to sleep. I am very happy to say that the evening exceeded my expectations.

That is all,

Newt

Squirrels are evil!!!

I got my truck back today and I didn't get screwed over nearly as bad as I could have. However something strange was discovered in my engine. What was it? Dog food.

That's right. Dog food was found under my hood. It was solid black. Also found was red fur. So the wires that had been chewed on appeared to be done by a dog food stealing squirrel. I can only assume that while we were living at the apartment, a squirrel was taking up residence in my engine.

The mechanic freaked me out because he told me he found a squirrel in the engine. Then he reached for a Sonic cup and I was really afraid he was going to show me a dead squirrel carcass. Instead he had a full cup of dog food that looked like it had been soaked in coal.

So now my truck is running again and I am squirrel free.

That is all,

Newt

My Flux Capacitor needs replacing

I think I might be getting hosed. My truck's inspection was due and I ran to the local oil change place to get it taken care of. The guy came back and told me that it didn't pass. When I asked why, he went into this weird explanation of how the Flibity gibit wasn't working correctly. I say Flibity gibit because he used some Acronym that I had no clue about. Finally I got him to explain that some seal was not pumping air in the right manner and it was causing my emissions to under perform, and in Dallas, that is a big problem.

Then he was showing me what parts he was going to replace and then found that some of the wire casings had been bitten through by mice. So I need to get them replaced. Finally, I just had to leave the truck and get the mechanic to drive me home.

It sucks to be auto deficient.

That is all,

Newt

Movie Night with my new lady

Tonight, Hangie and I stayed in and watched a movie. Really, I watched and she just stayed at my side. She is so loyal. We watched 'Airplane', which was very funny. She didn't seem to get it though. I tried to ask her what was going on but she just told me to "Talk to the Hand." But that's what I was trying to do!

I persisted in asking her what was the matter and she gave me the finger. Sometimes it feels like such a job to communicate with Hangela; I didn't sign up for a Hang job but I guess that's what I get.(That's right, I did it. You all loved it and you know it.)

Hangela and I did make up though. After what felt like hand to hand combat, she finally realized she was being silly. She told me she felt like we were meant to be together, and we were.

That is all,

Newt

I'm cheating on Diana!

It's that time of year again. Diana has gone to L.A. (no, not Louisiana) and I am on my own again. This means that my yearly affair will start up again. The worse part of my indiscretion is that Diana knows the other woman. In fact, they keep in touch regularly.

I have known her for years. We have been off and on for a long time and in fact, she was my first. In times of need, I go to her. We go everywhere together. I have been carrying on behind Diana's back in our home while she is away. Honey, when you read this I just want you to know I love you.

My new girlfriend's name is...Hangela.

That is all,

Newt

"Not in the face, Not in the face"

Random thought. How many porn stars have been injured on the job? I can assume that there is the occasional broken bone(pun) and from time to time a VD, but I would like to bring to light something that I think plagues the porn industry: Eye problems.


"Why would they have eye problems?" you ask. Well, I have done extensive research in this area and have begrudgingly sat through many videos and determined that there has to be multiple semen/eye injuries. I actually sat down and tried to find a medical study on the number of causes of eye infection/blindness caused by bad aim and a happy ending, but couldn't locate any info on this. It has to exist.


It is a common occurrence for ejaculation to happen on someones face during a porn video. Also, semen can exit the body at a fast rate. You normally get between .5 to 1 teaspoon in volume, with an average of 3 to 10 spurts per event. These spurts happen every .8 seconds. Now, I don't know about you, but if someone were to shoot a water gun at my face every .8 seconds, I would be afraid to get blinded.


Also, I read that this can cause the clap in your eye. OWWWW!!! It seems like they must get a bonus for getting a facial or something. They should really issue safety goggles when they perform. Well, now that I have thoroughly disgusted the majority of my readers,


That is all,


Newt

When I grow up...

Do you remember in school when your teacher would make you write down what you wanted to be when you grow up? If so, are you what you wanted to be? I am currently not the owner of T-N-T Comics so I have fallen a little short on my original goal, but it's still in the mix. It has just been pushed back due to realism.

It seems kind of funny to think that we ask 8 year olds to choose a path. I know when I was 8, I had a ton of cool things going on but I wasn't sure where I would be working in 15 years. Maybe we should just all be assigned generic professions as babies. You know, "Trinity, you are on the path to being a concert pianist; Diana, you are going to grow up and become a grave digger; Thomas, you will become a male prostitute."

Who knows, maybe unemployment would be down because kids would automatically be prepared for a job and then we wouldn't need so many public servants while simultaneously having so many burger flippers.

I know this is stupid. That's the point. Kids change. Someone might want to be a nurse and then realize accountancy is a better choice(Diana). Hell, children shouldn't have to make those kinds of decisions so early in life. Not that its a bad idea to ask, just don't expect them to stick to it.
That is all,

Newt

Meatlifters

I recently read that meat is the number one item stolen by shoplifters. People go to the grocery store and put sausage next to their sausage, rump roast against their rumps. You can read the article here.

It seems the main perpetrators are women between the ages of 35 and 54. They go into the store with enough money to guy lower quality meats and then will steal the higher end stuff. One motivation is the meatlifters feeling that they 'deserve' the better meat and will take it.

Research indicates that they will steal the meat because they get gratification from eating the stolen item. Were they to take, say, a box of crackers the gratification is less than eating filet mignon. The best part is that grocers have no idea how to stop them. Some methods are too expensive while others would hinder the impulse buyer. No matter what they do, their mincemeat.

That is all,

Newt

Pan's Labrynth - A review

Have you ever found a movie that really changed the way you look at a genre? Something that mixed things that you would otherwise never put together, and do it in a way that made sense and told an awesome story? Well, Diana and I went to see a foreign film today by director Guillermo del Toro called Pan's Labyrinth.

It is set after the Spanish Civil War, following a young girl who discovers she is actually the princess of a magical kingdom. She must complete three tasks to open the doorway and enter her kingdom. All the while, a revolution is being fought around her as she must deal with her mothers dangerous pregnancy and a Stepfather who is Captain of the Spanish Army.

This story is not for the squeamish. The violence is on par with Pulp Fiction or, more recently, Sin City. It is a unique blend of Fantasy, Violence, and Tragedy. The story is really interesting and keeps you involved. Sadly, this is a limited release so you might just want to go add it to your Netflix. Unless you are in a large metropolitan area, you probably won't get to see this; and that is your loss. 5 Star movie.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. It is subtitled. If you can't read and watch a movie then don't even bother. Hopefully I don't know anyone like that, but you can never tell.

Has anyone seen a Turtle?

I have been meaning to post on this for a few days now. I was recently thinking about 'Saved by the Bell' and I realized that almost all of the original cast members from that awesome show have gone on to be celebrities. Zach stared in NYPD Blue, Slater hosted some stupid animal talent show and then Danced with the stars, Screech had a sex tape come out. I could go on and on but I now have to ask, "Where is Lisa Turtle?"



Does anyone know? She was the only black character on a predominately white show and after the last episode she vanished. First off, her name was Lark Voorhies. Did anyone know that? I was able to name every cast member but her. I IMDB'd her and she has had a couple of small roles but they were all in Black-esque TV shows. Why was her fame taken from her?

We should start a grass roots campaign to get Lark more roles. I mean, if Elizabeth Berkley can get a role dancing on a pole as a stripper, can't she?

That is all,

Newt

Is White always right?

So, I was sitting in the place where I do my best thinking, the toilet, and I thought of a question for the ages. Why does toilet paper only come in white? While I am sure that there has been the rare occasion where another color of toilet paper has been made, it is still a predominantly white product.

Now, I know that it is possible to make colored tissue. Kleenex offers tons of different makes and models for their brand of facial tissue. With the constant need for people to make things match, you would think that Charmin, Angel Soft or hell, Sam's Choice would have gotten on the ball with this and make some new choices.

I would really like to see someone come out with a plaid toilet paper. I would totally wipe my ass with plaid.

That is all,

Newt

Et tu Satchel Bag?

Well, apparently Hazel reads my blog because when I got home last night I smelled poo. A flower vase was knocked over and flowers were strung all over the house. The bathroom trash was dug out and I saw our back bedroom open. I opened the door and sitting on the floor was my Spider-man Satchel Bag covered in dog crap.

This wasn't one turd either. This was a large number of turds. I had to pick them up and it made a hand full. I couldn't believe it. Needless to say, she is being crated today as punishment. As for my satchel bag, it smells like poop and I don't know how to wash it.

That is all,

Newt

Not on my futon!!!

This morning, as I was getting ready to leave for work, I started walking around and closing all of the doors. I went into the bedroom where I keep my comic books, my Fortress of Solitude so to speak, when I happened upon something strange. Smack dab in the middle of my futon was a pile of dog crap.

I looked at Hazel, I knew it was her because after a certain point you can tell whose dog poop is whose, and she cowered. I have had to shit pretty badly, and at one point I even let a wet fart slip while in bed, but to conciously pop a squat on a sheeted futon just blew my mind. Luckily it came off without a stain and I was able to flush it but I couldn't get over the fact that my dog jumped up on my couch and let fly. Why not on the floor?

That is all,

Newt

Registration, it's the Law

Just like the Japanese in WWII, we went and registered today. Diana and I had loads of fun registering for all sorts of stuff that you, the masses, can now purchase for us at reasonable prices. We tried to keep everyone's finances in mind while aiming our little laser gun at all the barcodes.

We ran into two other couples who were also registering. Amazingly, it seems that if you give a man a laser gun, he will shoot it at you. One of the women, no not Diana, was having a hard time keeping her fiancee focused on the task at hand. I too was having trouble staying on task. I kept scanning Diana's boobs and saying "I need two of those."

You can click here to start buying us stuff. Hint, Hint. For those of you buying stuff online, please just mail it to us. We don't want to have to carry a ton of stuff home.

That is all,

Newt

Owls make me uncomfortable

I went to Hooters for lunch today and I have to say that eating there makes me uncomfortable. I would say that going to Hooters is the closest I have come to a strip club because I am paying to look at boobies. I rarely go eat there because of my discomfort. Normally, I get a waitress that is extremely well endowed (as was the case today) and I will try so hard not to look at her bulbous cleavage that I will immediately become self-conscious about it.

Then I spend the rest of my meal watching myself to make sure that I don't accidentally let my eyes stray. This is doubly ridiculous because the girls that work at Hooters are aware that their ta-ta's are the focus of the dining experience and have no problem with it.

Also, I cannot stand boob veins. They disgust me. If girl’s boobs are so big that a blue vein is visible in their cleavage, they shouldn't be visible. I just get a shiver of gross when I even think about it. They almost look like a tattoo.

Needless to say, my lunch was good but I just stared across the table at my coworkers or out a window. I think this is why I have never gone to a strip club. I just wouldn't feel comfortable staring at a girls love pillows as a past time. Not that I wouldn't look, I would just feel uncomfortable.
That is all,

Newt

I own it

Well, most of you know that Diana and I bought a house. Well, Saturday, we moved. To be more precise, two guys from Apple Moving moved us but lets not be picky. It was a long process but we are finally in our new home in Lewisville. This, along with traveling for Christmas, is the cause for my lack of posts. Sorry. I know how much you all missed them. I promise 2007 will bring you so many great posts that you will forgive me.

That is all,

Newt

Hangman

As many of you know, Saddam Hussein was hanged this weekend. I found this cartoon and just thought some of you would like it.

That is all,

Newt

The truth about Slander

Well, I think I hurt Thomas' feelings with my last post because he went and tried to be mean to me in revenge. Darn it if he just couldn't do it very well. I know everyone is on the edge of their seats wondering why I lashed out like I did. Well I will tell you.

Thomas won't come see me. Boo Hooooo!!!!

That's right, I wanted Thomas and Jess to come here for New Years so they could celebrate it in our brand new house and maybe help unpack. I mean, who wants to spend their New Years in Midland. There is nothing to do there aside from a bar, a bowling alley, and a drive in. So what if he already told people he would be there. Who cares if he doesn't get to see his family. I am talking about pleasing me. That is more important. I was going to find something so super awesome to do, but now I guess I don't have to now.

So Thomas, I sure hope sitting at home on New Years Eve is all kinds of fun because as you're doing it I would hate for you to regret going to Midland. I would hate to think you were sitting there, about to get ready for bed because no one came up with anything to do.

Merry Freakin' Christmas and a effin Happy New Year,

Newt

Slander

I am pretending to be annoyed with Thomas so I present to you The Slander of Thomas.

Thomas is a loser. He is so stupid he couldn't even get on the special bus. And have you smelled his breath? Whooo!!! I think he must have hypnotized Jessica into marrying him and I am still trying to figure out the secret word that will get her to wise up. I am fairly sure he always has Swamp Ass, at least that is the only explanation that I could come up with for his raunchy odor.

He is a raging hornball in real life. He goes around hooting and hollerin' at all the girls he sees. I think he slept with one of the Jacksons, though I can't tell if it was Micheal or LaToya because they look so similar. What is up with his kumquat fetish? There for a while he used to have them all over his room and I had to sleep downstairs when he really got going.

Finally, he never chews his food all the way. This may not seem that bad, but after he swallows he always asks "Did it go down?" and when you say yes he always replies "That's what she said." Oh, and I know for a fact that three cheerleaders in high school were rumored to be carrying his love children... and they all had the clap. You do the math.

Well, I guess that is enough bullsh...facts for today. Maybe next time, Thomas, you won't be such a loser.

Courage.

Newt

Can I be gay?!?

Do you ever wish you could be gay but just not have the sex? It seems like the perfect scenario. I watch 'How I Met Your Mother' and one of the guys loves those pink drinks w/fruit in them but he can't order them because he looks gay when he does it. So they go to a gay club and he gets to drink his drink without getting judged.

I will make some confessions now. First, I liked High School Musical. Yes I have the soundtrack and I secretly want to go see the show when it comes to Dallas. Yet I won't. I could definably get away with it if I were gay though. Also, I kind of like Celine Dion but I can only listen when she is on the radio(Or in private. Shh, don’t tell).

Also, if I could be gay without the sex, I would finally be able to dance. I think it is part of the gay gene. Another thing, I doubt I would have to ask Diana if my shirt and pants matched if I was gay. And when I go by myself to see 'The Devil Wears Prada' I won't be looked at funny.

Yep, I think being gay would be great as long as I could keep my poop shoot closed. I mean, I have a Hetero-life partner anyway. And yes, I am reading Sex in the City and I am enjoying it.

That is all,

Newt

So, How'd you meet?

I have recently been bombarded on the web with this website for a company called 'True'. There is always a picture of some really cute girl in a bikini or something like it and it says 'Live, Love, Learn'. It is always the sidebar for my Hotmail account and uses the same couple of girls over and over again.

After viewing this stupid ad for the umpteenth time I just have to ask, "Do dating sites work?" I have only met one person who has used one and she told me that it was awful. She was my neighbor in college and got in the rut of being a divorced thirty year old in Lubbock, Texas. After she told me she had used one, I think it was Match.com, she said all the guys on there were losers or were so far away that it was impossible to see them.

I hate to generalize people who use these sites because I am sure that they hold some value, but I just wonder how far down the dating ladder you are when you use them. I have to imagine that the people on these sites are introverts with very few options left to them. I, being an extrovert, have never had any real trouble meeting a woman so it is hard to put myself in the shoes of someone who logs on to eHarmony or True. To me, it seems like if you have exhausted your available pool of people, maybe it is time for a change in lifestyle.

If you are always sitting at home watching TV, maybe you should turn off the computer and go outside. If you live in a town where men or women aren't readily available, move. If you are the fat guy or girl living in your parents spare room, move out and go on a diet. Maybe this is harsh but its true. I have known so many people, ex. Tim Burleson, who never moved out of the house and got bigger and bigger while simultaneously loosing personal skills. He stayed in a dead end job at Albertsons and is more than likely never going to make anything of himself.

Again, a generalization, but if you are having trouble meeting someone, should you really turn to other people who are having the same trouble or instead go look for the people who are doing fine in that area and try to adapt. Really, if you aren't bringing anything to the table, no one will come to eat.

That is all,

Newt

What's up with Racists?

Has anyone noticed that there have been quite a few racial slurs by celebrities lately? First Michael Richards blows up on stage and yells the N word over and over from out of nowhere and then Andy Dick tries to make fun of it and it is so awkward that he ends up having to apologize.

Now, MSN is asking the question, “Were Rosie’s comments racist?” Is this some sort of celebrity epidemic where they see a racist and see how much press it gets so they jump on it and start spouting racial slurs? And should they apologize?

I don’t want it to sound like I support racism but clearly, if you feel that way then your apology is somewhat tainted. It’s not like Kramer was saying something and let the N word slip in there. He just kept yelling at them. Then he goes on TV and explains that it just started pouring out of him and he feels so ashamed.

Really? That is your excuse? If you’re racist then you’re racist. If you feel bad about it then maybe you should apologize but if you are a racist then you wouldn’t have a problem with what you said. None the less, celebrities need to keep their mouths shut.

That is all,

Newt

Savin' Money

As most of you know, we are buying a house. And this means we will need to start being more responsible with our money. Well, I like to be proactive so this morning I started considering ways to cut back and make things last longer.

While doing this I thought of one way to save water. The phrase "If it's Yellow let it mellow, if its Brown, flush it down" instantly popped into my noggin and I thought of how many flushes we really use just on pee.

Then my mind began to wander and I thought, "Does that work for the color blind?" Well, I assume it does but just in case I made up a colorless version of that lovable limerick.

"If it's water, let it sit. Only flush it when its..."

Well, you get the idea.

That is all,

Newt

Mouse Trap

Last night Diana and I went to Target(pronounced Tar-je cause its French) and in an impulse buy that was completely Diana we bought the wonderful board game, Mouse Trap.

Side story for you, when I accidentally burned my old house down I owned this game. As they pulled my smoldering toy chest out of the window of my bedroom, pieces of the game were melted together in a multicolored conglomerate of trap. I haven't played it since.

But hey, I am a man who gives everything another chance and I did love it. We came home and started playing, but as neither of us knew the rules, it was time to break them out and read them. I have just one question. "How in the Hell is a child supposed to play this game?" There are so many different steps to Mouse Trap. First you have to make sure you get cheese pieces, you only build part of the trap if you land on a space that has the correct number of players, you get stuck on this circle that never ends. I didn't know what was going on.

Luckily, I still beat Diana so fast that she couldn't see straight. I just have to say, "Damn, Hasbro"
That is all,

Newt

It's my Homey!

For those of you who haven't heard, Diana and I are buying a house. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind because all of this got decided pretty quickly. We found a cute place in Lewisville, Texas that is a 3br, 2bath with a small yard, a garage, and a great kitchen.

Tonight we went and finalized our mortgage and will be closing on it in a few weeks. This means moving again. YEEHAW. I hate moving. Hate it. Packing, lifting, unpacking. It sucks. We do seem to always get rid of stuff when we move so clutter goes away to some extent, but it is very little.

I am excited about getting our own place. Hopefully I will grow up a little bit and be more responsible. Though I doubt it will make too dramatic of an effect. I have had to deal with all sorts of adult stuff in the last few days. Finding homeowners insurance, doing a house inspection, signing papers. But in the end, I am very excited. It's one hell of a Christmas present.

Well, I have been busy so that is my reason for the lack of posts.

That is all,

Newt

I love Bacon!

Kevin Bacon that is. Last night, Diana and I went out with some of her friends to a place called 'Pete's Piano Bar'. Pete's is a bar that has two pianos in the center and people play almost any song imaginable.

Well, After two of three beers and a Jager-bomb later, Footloose started and, if you know me, I love me some Footloose. Diana's friend Mary Alice got up and started dancing and I just had to get up and dance with her.

I heard someone say 'Now this guy is serious' and I looked up and one of the piano players had a flashlight shining on me. They were waving me up so I ran up on the stage and got in between the pianos. They picked up playing the song again and I preceded to do the Footloose dance, or at least a version of it, on stage in front of everybody in the bar.

I must say that I really didn't notice the crowd watching me while it was going on. When they finished the song, the two piano guys said, "I don't know if you need it, but go to the bar 'cause a shot is on us".

I went to the bathroom and had people telling me, "Nice Dancing" and got a shot from a bartender, though I have absolutely no idea what I drank. It was awesome and just goes to show you that dancing isn't a sin. Eat that John Lithgow.

That is all,

Newt

Half days are da Bomb!

For anyone who hasn't seen the news, today a cold front swept into Dallas and is holding us hostage. I am sure Fox News and CNBC are going to call this "Frost on America" or something. When I got up this morning, it was cold but the day progressed to an even more windy and freezing day and at 12:30 my office was told to go home.

I LOVE when you get sent home. I am on salary so it just means free time with pay. It rocks. I wasn't busy either so it is even more cool. I went an got a haircut and read comics and made a pot of chili. Next up I might throw in some Wii time and get my Scrubs on because it starts again tonight.

YIPPPPEEEEE!!!!

Newt

My lady's out of town...and boy is my hand tired

Well, it's that time again. Thanksgiving. Sad to say Diana had to go out of town and leave me to work on Friday. On the big day I went to Boston Market to grab some turkey & mashed taters and bought a pecan(pronounced pe-can not pe-con) pie.

Also, Thursday started the Legend of Zelda play off. Hence my hand being tired. Oh, wait a minute. Did you think...? Perverts. That's not what I meant. I have just been playing with my Wii for the last couple of days. No, not that Wee. My new Nintendo. I have to say, you're minds are in the gutters.

N-E-Ways. I worked yesterday and spent some quality time with the dogs. I was disappointed that I couldn't go home, but what can you do. I had to call and get someone to tell me how the Chocolate Chip Pie tasted but other than that, I guess I will make it. One great thing to come out of staying home is my discovery of a show on Bravo called 'Top Chef'. I hate reality TV but this show Rocks.

Happy Thanksgiving to all,

Newt

What a Dick!

More on the night that was ‘Wii night’

To my right was this 17 year old who was a huge Dick. Not only would he not stop saying Wii, "I can't wait to go home and play with my Wii', "If I didn't get a Wii, I would die", and my favorite "I wonder if they will make a miniature version called the Wee Wii', but he was stupid. Who comes to a Wal-mart in November to sit outside in just jeans and a jacket?

He just kept saying how excited he was. He even brought a laptop and was playing ‘Legend of Zelda: a Link to the Past’. At points in time, you could really tell that this kid was a Dick. Here are some examples.

A) He received a phone call that his friend’s dad had just gone into full renal failure. When he got off the phone he asked me if I knew what that entailed and I told him that I believed it was when a person’s body shut down before they died. He proceeded to say “That sucks, that might be something I have to get out of line for.” What? Seriously? Later, he had some friends come visit him in line and told them. Then he said he would just take his new Wii to the kid with the dead dad’s house so it would cheer him up a little. As if you would say “Well, my dad just died but I sure could go for some Wii Golf.”

B) The guy’s grandfather came up to Wal-Mart to go buy him something to eat. As soon as the old man dropped the two cheeseburgers on the ground next to him and the kid didn’t say thank you or even look up from his computer. The old man just walked off and the kid didn’t even care.

C) The last thing that irked me about this kid was that he is 17, lives at home with his parents, and is cocky. I don’t remember what I was talking about but I heard him say something about how expensive his cell phone was. I asked him how much it cost and he said he paid $90 for three people. I said “You pay for three people?” and he said “Me and my parents.” I was surprised and asked “You pay for your parents” and he told me “Well, no. They pay for me.”

By the end of the night, I actually called him a huge Dick to his face. He thought I was joking but I wasn’t. He got a call from his friend who’s dad is dying telling him that he couldn’t stay over because his dad was in the hospital and his mom wanted him to be able to just leave. The Dick got pissy about it and started saying, “Well wouldn’t his mom want someone there who has a car? Then he started complaining about how his parents would get mad if he came home because he had said he was staying over at the guy’s house. I looked at him and asked if it was the kid with the dying dad and when he said yes I just looked at him and said “You are a huge Dick!”

You never know who you will meet in line for a Nintendo but I can tell you that some of them aren’t that special.

That is all,
Newt

Wii the People

I have been lax in my posts. On Saturday, at 4 o'clock, I started my sit in to get the Nintendo Wii. I took one of those lawn chairs with a food rest, a granola bar, and some reading material and got in line behind 15 other great Americans who were eagerly awaiting the release at 12:01 of the coolest gaming system ever.

Around 6, my lovely bride to be brought me a sandwich and my computer so I could watch 'Cars' and have something to occupy the next six hours. Surprisingly, she wasn't eager to sit out there with me. The one thing she forgot to bring was the blanket I had asked for, and as it was around 55 degrees and no sun was out, it was sorely missed. She did give me the picnic blanket we had so I couldn't complain to loudly.

Let me just say, that if you stand in line with 20 other people, you get to know the people to your left and right. That is not always a good thing. I have loads to talk about with this guy but I will continue that in another blog.

At 11:50, the voucher guy finally showed up and made a stupid comment about how he had some vouchers for sale and then said he would just throw them in the air and whoever got one could go in. Finally, he handed out our vouchers and 20 minutes later I own a Wii.

I was cold, tired, and extremely excited.

That is all,

Newt

I saw a Jap flip an egg

No, I'm not Michael Richards. I went to eat this afternoon at a Japanese restaurant where they prepared the food to order right in front of you. I went with a large group so we had an entire table/stove to ourselves.

I was in awe when the chef came out. He started by throwing rice on the stove and then took an egg and spun it. He was able to take a spatula and flip the egg in the air, sort of like a soccer player with a ball. Then he used the spatula to crack that puppy onto the stove.

He also made me some tasty shrimp and some Angus beef that was delicious. The finale was called a volcano. He took an onion and stacked it like a mountain and poured liquids into it and then as they began to react he lit it on fire. Flames were shooting out of this onion and didn't stop. He just held a lighter there and flames kept shooting out. It was crazy.

I don't know that this is really an interesting event but I know I was impressed. Then again, I get distracted by shiny objects so that doesn't say much about me.

That is all,

Newt

You went to see The WHO???

Thats right folks, Diana and I rocked out oldie style on Friday night and went and saw The Who. That legendary rock band that gave us such hits as 'Pinball Wizard', 'Who are you', and 'My Generation', and it was awesome. The Pretenders opened up for them and they were just so-so but The Who rocked the house.

For a band that only has two of its original members, they were on. Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend are old but they jump around on stage and can still play like they are in their twenties. When they played 'My Generation' it blew me away. They played for two hours and really knew how to throw a concert.

There were 5 screens suspended above the stage and as the songs changed, the screens would alternate images that went along with the songs. During 'My Generation' the largest screen had images of different races and moments in history that cycled throughout.

Some funny stuff...we saw one woman that, as the Who were about to finish up, she was reaching her hands out and crying. There was no reason really, she just couldn't contain herself. We also say a woman that got so into the music she was thrusting her hand out and singing when no one else was.

All and all, an awesome concert and I can now say that I have seen The Who in concert.

That is all,

Newt

Pay it Forward

Yesterday, I was driving in a neighborhood that is not the most upscale when I stopped at a red light. I was on my cell phone with the blood bank, they were begging for a pint, when I hear a man screaming at me.

I look to my right and asked the lady to hold on a minute. I cracked the passenger window and he yelled, "Hey man, can me and my wife jump in the back of your truck? We need a ride to Northwest HWY." As I was going that way, I said "Sure".

Now I know what you’re thinking. Newt, how stupid can you be? You don't let strangers ride in your truck. Well, I agree and that same thought occurred to me after they had already jumped in.

The guy was probably 40 with a shaved head that held a couple of day’s growth, as did his face. His wife, however, took the cake. She wore pink spandex pants and a tiger striped coat. She had bleach blond hair and looked like she was coming off a two day binge.

The ride went just fine, other than I looked in my rearview one time and saw them kiss which was disturbing. I got them to the street and pulled off the road to let them off. They yelled "Thanks Man" and the woman said, "Have a blessed day. Thanks for paying it forward."

Am I strange in thinking that the fact that she said "paying it forward" is the weirdest part of this story?

That is all,

Newt

Worn Out, Tired and Busted

Well Howdy. What a weekend. Thomas came down and we had a hella weekend that will be remembered until our dying days. Let me give you a definition:

def. Nirvana - a state of being caused by Rocking Hard, getting your inner nerd on, and drinking on someone else's dime.

And that is what I achieved this weekend. By Sunday, I had obtained from Wizard World Texas 2006.

1. An assload of signed comics by the likes of Ed Brubaker, Steve Epting, George Perez, and J. Scott Cambell
2. A copy of The Watchmen as well as a Black Cat mini series that I have been looking for.
3. a Thing Mini Bust that rocks(pun intended).
4. an original comic book page signed by the tracer, I mean Inker.
5. Three copies of Ultimate Alliance in which I sold one and gave one to Tommy Boy.
6. Tons of original sketches, which I plan to post on.

All that for about $200,

I had an awesome time and it really makes me miss not being around Thomas more(hint hint Jackie, move to Dallas). I can't wait until next year and maybe this can start being a yearly event. Who knows.

The other two people involved in this weekend have touched upon most of the things that happened over the last couple of days so I will leave the details to them.

That is all,

Newt

Bowling On a Wednesday

Well last night was the kick off party to start our Bowling league at work. I have been trying to get a Wednesday league together and the bowling alley we are having it at let us have free bowling night to try to generate interest.

It didn't work. I only had 20 or so people say that they were even coming and when 7 o'clock rolled around, it was only about 10. This thing has become a losing battle. I try and try but no one seems to care. People keep dropping out of the league and while I hoped to have about 4 teams, I ended up with maybe two.

But I am still hopeful. I bought my own bowling shoes last week and I plan on showing up next Wednesday for week 1 of our tournament. At the end of it, we will all get a free Bowling ball.

That is all,

Newt

PS, starting tomorrow Thomas and I will have up to the minute(or more likely day) coverage of Wizard World Texas 2006

To the Love of My Life

Recently, there has been an outpouring of Love on the blog-o-sphere and it has made me want to write how much I love Diana.

Diana,

I love you. You are the greatest thing in the world. Along with our two dogs, one of which is newer than the other, we have the greatest life ever. No, we don't have a house yet, but when we do our lives will only be better. I love everything about you...well, not necessarily everything, but the majority of things about you.

Not a day goes by where I don't love you more and more. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I can't say that I am content in our love. Why would you want to be when we can make it grow as time goes on. The love we share is everlasting and awesome.

It's weird to think that we have been shacking up for little over a year. It feels like we have been together for a thousand years, yet it has only been a few(which haven't really felt like that long but kinda were). We have lived together for over a year, not officially starting our lives as husband and wife, but we're close. I will make you an honest woman one day.

Love,

Newt

In conclusion to this sappy post, if you gagged or were in any way disgusted by reading this PDA on your PC, then you get an idea of how we felt when reading Thomas's latest post.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. Diana told me I had to write this

Peanut, Peanut Butter, Jelly

So, last week I went to the grocery store and decided to be adventurous. I bought all natural Peanut Butter. It comes in a glass bottle and the oil from the peanuts is sitting on top of the butter. And, after opening, you have to refrigerate this stuff.

I rushed home and snapped that lid off the jar. MMMMM!!! Peanuts. I got a big knife and began stirring the oil back down into the butter. I don't actually know if this was the correct action to take, but what the hey. The consistency of real PB is not the same as Jif. It is much creamier and not as thick. I bought crunchy so mine came with extra chopped nuts.

I smeared a big ole glob of it onto a couple of slices of wheat bread and dived in. What? It tastes bitter and grainy you say? That's right. I am an idiot because for some reason I thought that if you took real peanuts and smashed them into a paste that it would magically gain a sweetness. From where I have no idea.

I now know why Peanut Butter & Jelly are such a popular combination. Organic Peanut Butter is very tasty once you know what to expect. It is growing on me.

That is all,

Newt

Anxious

Before I left work today, I got told that a few people I work with were let go this afternoon. I actually work closely with two of the people laid off and was very surprised to hear about it. I have never been fired(I don't count the time I broke the Taco Villa sign) so when I heard about this it really shocked me.

You know that feeling you get when you just barely avoid a car accident or you are sitting in class and the teacher picks the guy next to you to answer a question you didn't know the answer to? That's the feeling I have. I almost feel like it could have been me or something.

It is very strange to have people that you just talked to all of a sudden no longer have a job. Plus, I didn't learn about it until it already happened which made it even more unbelievable. I guess I am lucky, or at least luckier than the people who got canned today.

That is all,

Newt

Oh, Oh, Oh, it’s Magic..

Diana, Erin and I went to see a local radio DJ/Comedian on Saturday at a restaurant called Dave and Busters named Dean Lewis. As part of his stand up he likes to do a couple of magic tricks. One of his tricks was as follows.

He took a clear plastic envelope and filled it with a bunch of cards with names on them. These were all his ex-girlfriends names and the cards were all folded in half. Also in the bag were three sticks of gum and a handful of copper and silver coins.

He began by taking the bag to a table and asking a girl to pull out one of the sticks of gum. She read the gum and it said it was Winterfresh. Her boyfriend then ate the piece to verify it. He then asked her to point to someone else in the audience and she pointed to a friend at her table. He asked the friend to pull another piece of gum out of the bag. She read this piece and ate it. It was Spearmint. He then asked girl #2 to point to another audience member and the girl pointed at ME!!

He came up to me and asked me to take the last piece of gum and then take a coin. I pulled the final stick and a penny. He then asked me to take one of the items and give it to another audience member. I gave the gum away. I was also asked to point to someone to have him or her pull a name out of the bag. This name was going to be ‘used’ though we didn’t know for what.

He continued walking around the back of the room and made three people pull names to verify that there were different names in the bag and he also had two guys pull coins.

Prior to this trick he had a small manila envelope that he had brought with him when he started his set. It had been on the table behind him the entire time he was on stage. He gave it to a girl in the front row at the beginning of the trick. After verifying that the names were random he asked the woman with the envelope onto the stage.

Myself and the two other guys holding coins, along with the guy who pulled the name were all standing. The guy with the name read the card he had drawn: ‘Rhonda’. The comedian then asked what coins the guys had, both were silver, as well as my copper coin. He also asked the guy I gave the gum to too open it and read what it said and then taste it. It was Juicy Fruit.
He pulled the envelope open and began to read. It was as follows:


That is all,

Newt

Phil Noto & Steven Rude

I had an interesting experience today. A couple of weeks ago I got an email saying that Steven Rude, a comic artist and writer who has written some really great stuff over the years, was going to be at Lone Star Comics in Dallas today. It was a signing that was 5-7 so I got online and ordered a few comics to get him to sign.

So, being the uber nerd that I am I took off work today at 4 to give myself enough time to get to the store and get in line early so I wouldn't be there all night. I arrived at 4:30 and no one was there. I asked one of the guys that worked there if the signing was today and he said yes. I was a little surprised that there was no one there but didn't worry to much about it because I was shooting for a sketch from Steven Rude and when there is a line, it is hard to get anything.

Then the clerk told me that they had also added Phil Noto (http://notoart.com) to the list but it was short notice. I was pissed. I didn't bring any of his stuff to get signed and wasn't happy. I did buy a Graphic Novel of his to get signed and thanks to my favorite cousin, Kristy, I got some online help that lead me to a cover of Captain Marvel Vol 5, issue 4.

The artists plane was late so they didn't actually arrive until 5:30 but even then it was only me and one other guy to meet the two of them. When they arrived I got introduced to the both of them and we actually had a small conversation. They sat at a table with some of their works on it and me and this other dude sat on the opposite side. For almost 2 hours I sat across from these two amazing artists and got to know them.

FYI, Steven Rude is a weird man. He is absolutely full of himself and at one point even said "I don't read new comics. I go back and read my old stuff because I know it is good." Phil Noto, however, is a laid back guy that was easy going and I could definitely see hanging out with.

I have never had a conversation with a comic artist and to have two of them all to myself was the ultimate. I got to hear how they got into comics and ended up with a load of stuff signed and two amazing pieces of art(only one was free). This made my day.

That is all,

Newt

The Breakdown

To finish off stories from this weekend I bring to you "The Breakdown."

My truck has been acting funny. On Sunday, Diana and I decided to go to lunch at Whataburger. As we got in the truck, I turned the key and this weird noise was made. It sounded something like a Locust in my ignition. However, the truck started.

It drove fine and we stopped for gas before heading to Whataburger. We went in and ate and lunch was just lovely. Then the trouble started. That noise that came from my truck, well it returned. I tried to start the car and every time I turned the key, a plague of Locust's started buzzing. The problem is it didn't turn over and we were stuck.

I am in no way a mechanic but to make it look like I was knowledgeable, I opened the hood and pretended to try to fix things. This involved periodically popping my head over the hood and telling Diana to turn the key. An older gentleman came up and told me that it sounded like my battery was dead and we played with the cables. He left so I did the only thing I could do. Diana and I walked to Wal-Mart and bought a new battery.

If you ever want to look White Trash, go take a walk with a battery in your arms. We got back to the car after walking three blocks and it was time to install the battery. Another little tidbit about your good buddy Newt, I only have two tools in my car; a flat head screwdriver and a monkey wrench that looks like it would be used to murder someone.

I used the wrench to get the battery cables undone and when I went to remove the battery, it wouldn't budge. At first I thought that the battery had attached itself to the casing, but upon further review it turns out that there is a block that keeps the battery in. The only wrench I had was way to big to get the nut off. We were stuck.

A guy came by and asked if we needed help and he had a toolbox. Yippee!!! Too bad none of his tools were the right size. He had a couple of wrenches that worked but they were too awkward to fit. After everything was said and done we had to walk over to the Target that is across the interstate and buy a set of wrenches.

In the end, we got the car started and I threw my arms up in celebration. The people leaving the parking lot laughed at us.

That is all,

Newt

I now respect Lee Ann Womack

If you read my last post (which of course you did, how could you not?) then you know I was at the Texas State Fair on Saturday. It was the last Saturday of the fair and to close it down they brought in Country Music sensation Lee Ann Womack for a free concert on the Chevy Main Stage.

Diana and I met up with a couple of friends of hers to watch the concert. I would never have paid to see this show, but as it was free I felt my time was not being wasted. I will preface this by saying that the concert was at 8:30 and it started to get both cold and windy right before she went on.

Mrs. Womack came out wearing a loose pink shirt and started singing. I started respecting her when a) I found out she is from Texas and b) she drank beer (I believe it was Shiner) in between songs. I also came to realize as she sang that she has a lot of hits under her belt.

She sang 'I May Hate Myself in the Morning', 'I Hope You Dance', 'A Little Past Little Rock', 'I'll Think of a Reason Later', and '(Now You See Me) Now You Don't'. She also sang a cover of 'You Don't Know Me' that was very good.

The wind picked up half way through the show and I expected her to give up and go in. This brings me to my second reason I now respect Lee Ann Womack. Instead of leaving, she made someone go grab her a sweater and she kept on trucking. She actually ended up singing for over an hour and it was an awesome show. If she came back I might actually throw down some money to watch her again.

This ends the Texas State Fair edition of the Lily Pad,

That is all,

Newt

My Fair Lady

I always say that I hate Fairs. I hate the high prices, the crowds, and the rigged games. Oh, and Carnies. I can't stand Carnies. They don't have teeth. It's like they can't go to the dentist because they are always traveling.

Yet Saturday, after work, Diana and I went to the State Fair of Texas. We searched out Big Tex, rode the Giant Ferris Wheel, and ate. That's right, we ate. I had a Corny Dog, some of Diana's Nachos, a Hot Dog, Funnel Cake, and Tornado Taters. Oh, and a Corn on the Cob. We also rode this tiny roller coaster that was more like something at Joyland.


They had a world famous Playing Card stacker that was building the Dallas Skyline out of cards in a glass room. You could watch him stack the cards and it was amazing. We also went on a tour of the Women's Museum and saw a History of Marilyn Monroe Exhibit. Keep in mind that this was after we had walked in the 5K that morning. My feet were killing me.

And that's not all,

Newt

Everbodys Walking for the Weekend

This was a busy weekend and for the next few posts I will tell you why.

I had to work Saturday. I went in at 5 a.m. and worked until Diana picked me up to got to the Dallas Chapter of the Susan G. Komen Walk for a Cure.

I think I may have stumbled across the best place ever to pick up women…The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer walk. I don't know the exact number but it was estimated that around 25,000 people were at Saturday's Walk and I can tell you that it was not a sausage fest. I would estimate that 90 to 90% of the people there were women.

Diana and I partook in this 5K walk and I am proud to say that I finished it in about an hour. As I was walking I could see how a single dude would clean up at this thing.

First, you have to wear pink. Women love pink...can't get enough of it. There drawn to in like moths to a flame.

Second, by doing this walk you look sensitive. Girls will assume that you a) walk for someone who has/had/died from Breast Cancer (and they love the guy they have to take care of) or b) you are sensitive to women's plight. Either way they dig it Baby!

Seriously though, it was very impressive to look directly in front of me and see a street completely packed with people. It was like a moving sea of heads. Many people had home made shirts for ones they have lost; others, just a piece of paper to say why they were there.

I was thoroughly tired by the end of it, and after breakfast I had to go back to work. Then there was...well I guess you will just have to read the next post.

That is all,

Newt

UPS Bingo

Well, Friday night I experienced something interesting. You know when UPS tries to deliver a package and you aren't home? They leave that little slip that says they attempted delivery and you can call it and tell them to hold the package at their pick-up. Well, we did the Komen Breast Cancer Walk this weekend and the shirts we were supposed to wear were being delivered by UPS. We weren't home when they were attempted delivery so Diana and I had to go to this UPS Delivery Center to get them. This is where the fun starts.

The store is only open from 8 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. When we got there, the line was very long. The doors hadn't opened yet so everyone was waiting. It felt like I was in line for concert tickets. As they opened the doors, I heard a woman yelling, "We will be calling out names and you must verify your address before picking up the package."

We all crammed into the UPS center and this little woman began looking at names on packages and screaming them out. If your name was called, you had to yell "Here" and they put your package in the line to get verified. Keep in mind that this is all done in a half hour.

People kept trickling in as we were standing there. Of course they saw the line for address verification and got into it. When Diana's name got called, she jumped in line and I stood by the door. Every time someone came in I just told them to stand to the side and wait for their name to be called.

This idiot from Best Buy's Geek Squad kept going, "Well this is great" and "What kind of system is this?". I wanted to ask him what his idea would be. Did he really want to be in a line where each person hands their slip over and a UPS person goes looking for the package? I was actually impressed with the inventiveness of the process. It was funny to see people get so excited to hear their name called.

That is all,

Newt

Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D

On Wednesday, I was at the comic book store and they had free passes to go see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D. I actually own this movie but they re-released it in selected theatres starting today and one of the KISS stations was putting on an advance screening.

So, last night Diana and I went. I have never watched a 3-D movie and it was an experience. It was similar to the 3-D rides at Six Flags & Universal Studios. Since the movie wasn't made to be 3-D it wasn't as impressive as some of the rides I have been on, but the definition was cool and there were certain scenes that popped out at you.

The best part is it was free. My eyes were hurting when it was all over and the glasses weren't the best. The frames were skewed. All in all, I wouldn't have been too disappointed if I hadn't seen it but it was still fun.

That is all,

Newt

Entering the Dreamscape

It's that time again. I had a dream last night that I thought I would share...

I walked over to the house next to my Granny's old house. The owner wasn't there and the house wasn't the actual house that is there in reality, but was a mansion. Inside, the man who lived there was dead. (How I knew that, I don't know). I went into his house and it became the next day. Someone came up and told me that he had no heirs and that I had just inherited this man's house.

The next thing I know, a nonprofit charity was setting up a garage sale to get rid of a lot of the junk in the garage. They came in and built shelves in the garage to put things on and began a garage sale for the charity.

Thomas and Jessica came by after the garage sale was finished and we decided to tour the house. Inside was this elaborate library, with bookshelves that went floor to ceiling. Every book imaginable was included on the shelves. They wrapped around the entire room. In the middle of the library were smaller display shelves. One large set of shelves had all pull out sleeves that contained DVDs. In fact, they were all of the DVDs ever made. We walked around finding globes, statues, and collectibles.

Thomas told me that he needed to go to a bookstore to buy some book and we left. We went to the bookstore and they didn't have what he needed. I looked at Thomas and said, "Why don't we just go back to my Library and if I have it, you can just take it."

We decided that it was the best idea. When we got back we discovered a couple sitting in my new kitchen. The woman was crying and looking at a piece of paper. I walked up and asked who they were and the woman said, "This is my father's house and you have stolen all of his things." I looked and she was right. All of the stuff was gone. A door was broken in the library and all of the books, DVDs and statues were missing.

The woman told me, "You owe me $65,000." Then I woke up.

This goes to show you that I will never be rich because someone will always take it away from me.

That is all...and isn't that sad,

Newt

Candy Bar Lines

So here is an interesting question. I was eating a miniature Snickers a few minutes ago and I looked at the bottom (flat side) of the bar and noticed the lines that are on it. To me they look like the squiggly lines that converge in the middle into a multi-line W.

This begs the question: What are those lines for? Are they strategically placed for grip of the bar? Are they there to let air pass under the bar to allow the chocolate to harden? Are they a secret code that, when broken, will reveal what the hell Nougat is?

I DON'T KNOW!!! I haven't got a clue but if it is on a Snickers bar, does that also mean my Milky Way or Three Musketeers might have this affliction? I need answers.

That is all,
Newt

CSI: Crime Scene Imagination

Thomas likes to assign homework for weekend blog posts and I cam across something interesting this morning that I need help with. As I was walking the dogs this morning I came across an interesting scene. Behind a set of bushes was a series of objects that, in my opinion, look to be the scene of a mugging. However I have doubts.

Thus the challenge I pose to all of you. Below are two 'Crime Scene' photos that I took of the area. I will list out the contents of the scene and I want your hypothoses on what happened.













The 4 circular objects are plates(2 to a package) wrapped in newspaper. This was found early in the morning, but the newspaper was not moist from dew.

There were a pair of regular handcuffs(not trick or plastic) tangled around a string of sparkly black beads. Handcuffs were missing keys. Both cuffs were shut.

A black purse was open and empty. Its contents looked to be scattered around the purse. Purse was from general department store per tag inside. Inside pocket of purse contained one cigarette lighter.

Contents of purse consist of compact, regular makeup accessories.

Not shown is one small tube of what I believe was super glue. It was the size of a pinkie finger.

I didn't move anything other than to check for an I.D. in the purse. It is important to mention that the newspaper was wrapped completely around the plates. I could find no broken plates and the newspaper was still firmly around all plates, even though they are scattered. There were no visible footprintsm though the ground was moist. There were two cars parked next to the scene and neither were broken into.

I am eager to hear your opinions on what may or may not have happened here.

That is all,

Newt

Alas, poor Katy. We knew ye...not so well

Well, yesterday afternoon we got the call from Katy's owners. They lived across from us in another building of our complex. I took her to her owners last night.

I have to say that I think they aren't very good dog owners. When the man called, he didn't seem too worried that his dog was missing and said that they had no idea how she got out. He also didn't say thank you for keeping her or that he was sorry for the trouble. He was supposed to be home at 5:30 so I could bring her over and at 6:30 I called him to ask if he was home.

When I walked her over, his wife was coming to my apartment to grab her and when I talked to her, she told me that Katy thinks she got out when she went to take Katy on a walk. She said that she was going to take Katy out when her husband told her that he had already walked her. Apparently this was all while she was at the front door and Katy slipped out and the woman just shut the door without realizing it.

She did say thank you but she never apologized for the inconvenience. She also almost had Katy run off on her again when she took her off of my leash because she didn't bring one for her. All in all, she didn't seem that worried about her dog.

So we are back down to two dogs.

That is all,

Newt

What the...Another Dog?

Diana was out walking the twin terrors when she found a Basset Hound wandering outside. Her name is Katy and she looks to be about 2 or 3 and I am fairly sure she has had a litter of puppies recently. We called the number on her tag but as of yet there has been no return call.

Diana said I could keep her if we don't find the owner. Isn't she precious? I'm sure her owner will call but until she does, we have a third dog to care for. Just remember that Diana brought it home, not me.

Internal Monologue

Does anyone else walk around with an internal monologue running in his or her head? I have always been aware of a voice in my head. It is a friendly voice and keeps its comments mostly towards narration. I almost feel like Kevin on the ‘Wonder Years’.

You know. I get up from a chair and my internal voice starts voicing that I am going to the restroom, having an internal conflict that causes me to need to pace, or vocalizes the need for a cookie. As I said, I always hear it but I guess I never listen to it. It’s a forest through the trees scenario.

The reason this comes up is that my vivid imagination, along with my internal monologue, has been extra noticeable the last couple of days. It flares up when I get frustrated or angry; also when I have a large amount of alone time.

I can only assume that crazy people have this same affliction but are not aware that it is their own thoughts that they hear. I constantly pretend that the voice is actually a narrator telling an imaginary audience what I am thinking, as if I really am the star of my own TV show. I come up with overly descriptive wording for the most mundane things; trying to give unimportant actions an air of severity.

I can only imagine that there is an actual person out there whose mind is silent. His thoughts consist of 'pick up that pencil' and then that’s what they do. I am glad I am not that person because personality is bred in the mind, and if your mind is silent so is your wit.

That is all,

Newt