TBWCYL Day 23 - Plastic Fantastic

Today I was supposed to make a no obligations appointment with a plastic surgeon to find out all that could be done to "fix" me. Two problems with this, I don't feel good today and I couldn't bring myself to waste mine and someone else's time when I have absolutely no intention of getting work done.

However, thanks to the Internet, I still did my task. There is a doctor in Dallas that does plastic surgery by the name of Dr. Hackney. He has a very informative website where he walks through all the considerations of different plastic surgery options via video. So, I just watched his videos and here is what I think I can get.

Liposuction: after covering the different methods, I am pretty sure I need some Tumescent liposuction. The stick saline in your fat and then suck it out. It helps the skin smooth out. I got a lot of fat so I could come out looking like a deflated raft after a long day of inner tubing on the lake. I would also have to make sure they suck some of this fat out from under my chin so I can avoid the turkey neck.

Tummy Tuck: If I got Lipo, the Tummy Tuck would be a must. I have a lot of skin and I don't need to see it unless it is taut and supple, as it is now.

Rhinoplasty: Anyone who knows me can probably guess that I could benefit from a nose job. In the doctors words, "You may be a good candidate for nose job surgery if your nose is too large for your face". I think mine could fit this. Plus, I have picked it so much that they could easily shrink up these caverns I call nostrils.

Body Contouring: This has a few things under it. I am just below the BMI index to be eligible for these procedures so I am cutting it close. My arms aren't flabby so I guess a Brachioplasty (upper arm lift) isn't needed. I think I could get a thigh lift, because they take fat and skin out from between your thighs and I can't be outside for long without starting a fire from the friction caused by my legs slapping together. I had to stop wearing corduroy for the same reason.

Breast Reduction: I definitely don't need implants but I might be good for a breast reduction. They don't sag too low but I would love to have smaller boobs than Diana. You can see an example of the me I could be here. I wish I had known about the pictures on these sites when I was younger. I would have searched Breast augmentation years ago.

I am too young for a face lift and don't really have too many wrinkles anyway. I also think I can avoid Botox since I don't have too many wrinkles. I don't think I could ever actually get surgery unless I had some sort of accident. I try to take care of my body but I don't care enough that I need to get cut open. Aside from the Penis Reduction Surgery I had to have as a baby, I guess I will just avoid the knife.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 22 - We had an agreement

Today I was supposed to find someone who would agree to meet me in 10 years. I was supposed to hand this agreement to someone I hardly know but when you work 8 to 5 that is difficult. So, I reached out to one of Diana's co-workers who I have met a couple of times and who enjoys the random things of life. I sent her a digital copy of the agreement and she agreed to meet me in 10 years at the official Tech watching party bar, Blackfinn. I am supposed to wear a Red T-shirt in case we can't recognize one another.

She even filled in the list of current events we can reminisce over in case we can't think of anything to say. Obama made it on there, the most recent movie releases now in theatres are on there, the UT loss to Tech is going to be a good memory to share and she is going to be in New York with us so we can always talk about that.

Melissa was a good sport about the whole thing and in 10 years I hope we both remember to show up and share a beer.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 21 - Patriotism

Today is Patriotism day in which I am to be patriotic about any country all day long. I thought this was extremely appropriate as we just went through an Inauguration so I went with the good on U.S. of A.

To keep my patriotism up all day, last night I downloaded a new ringtone. I got "God Bless America" on my phone and as my alarm went off this morning, Freedom Rang!!! I got up, threw on my workout gear and promptly did 'The Pledge of Allegiance' to the miniature flag I had placed on my dresser.

I decided to go to the local convenience store and get a 52 oz tea as I don't know what's more American than buying the largest drink known to man. I also got a corn dog because, well, I like corn dogs and they had one. I made sure to hang a second mini flag from my sun visor to keep the American spirit with me all day long.

I tried to keep thoughts of America in my mind all day. I have to say, I love capitalism and supported it by buying my comics today. I also ate a burger and fries which I know isn't necessarily American but the fast food burger is.

For dinner I ate the most American meal I could, a hot dog and some apple pie. I got it at a gas station and the pie was a Mrs. Baird fried pie but it was the spirit that I was going for so I think it counts.

I plan on reciting the pledge again before I go to bed to bookend the day but I do have to say that I love the country I live in. I know I am biased but I can't think of anywhere else I would rather live. They say 'Home is where the Heart is" which is true because mine is definitely in America.

That is all,

Newt

Obama and a chail letter

Two things about today that stood out.

1. We got a black President. I don't know if you heard but we did and I, for one, am happy about it. It was cool to watch history.

B. I got a stupid chain email and it turns out I am going to have bad luck. I know, it sucks. Don't come near me for a while or it might rub off on you. It came in the form of a PowerPoint and the guy who sent it to me is usually pretty humorous so I thought it was a joke but it had no payoff and I was supposed to send it out, but didn't.

It did make me wonder, "How do you put luck in an email or letter?" The very act of it is absurd. First off, the damn thing is written with stories of people who have gotten the very email and had good luck...except if they got the email it wouldn't have had their stories in it. It says in the thing not to change one word of the letter so it automatically proves that it is an impossible scenario.

Also, who is this luck filled emailer who made an email that is imbued with luck anyway? I watched an episode of 'Fairly Odd Parents' this morning where they zapped Timmy into the Internet. Is that how it is done? With letters, I always assumed the person who wrote the first chain letter had used a luck filled pen but I doubt there is a luck filled type font or keyboard because the original writer would have a hell of a time with everything else he wrote.

One story in the email is of a man who threw the email away(deleted maybe but I can't imagine he printed it just to throw it away) and when he did his son got sick. He dug the email out of the trash can and sent it to 20 people and his son got better. Is this a new form of medicine? Here's an idea, how about you stop being a lazy, superstitious idiot and take your kid to the doctor? Ass wipe shouldn't be a parent if he treats the flu with a AOL.

So, if you don't send this post to 20 people then you will die!!! That's right, I want some new readers so you better get on this ASAP or you will be dead 18 minutes after you read this. Hope you know 20 emails to send this to or you are like Peaches, the cockatiel that I forgot to feed and subsequently died of starvation...except you won't fit in a shoe box.

Get to it,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 20 - Poetry

Today I had to write one sentence in a poem and email it to the people at www.thiswebsitewillchangeyourlife.com. Since that isn't an option, I am going to post it here. The instructions were to write the next line in the poem to follow "Mercy, cried the popinjay to the Pope..." It was meant to form the worlds largest poem and once the perfect line was found and a suitable title was made they would post it. It also had to be written in iambic pentameter.

I came up with, "your lies you told have sent me to the rope." Not the most logical but sometimes Pope's do lie and I can imagine a bird killing itself so not too drastic of a stretch. I searched to see if they actually did finish the poem but didn't find anything about it.

Guess they never got the perfect ending.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 19 - I Spy

Today was 'Pretend to be a secret Agent' day. Apparently the book was a way for my handler to contact me. I was to go outside at 1 pm and wave at the gray car. It was supposed to get in the car but when I went outside, I was 10 minutes late and they had left me.

This one was a little hard to pull off but I tried my best. I sent mysterious emails to my friends, I listened for phone taps on the line, and I drove away from cars in a evasive action. While at the grocery store I also changed the direction I loaded my basket and went dry goods to produce instead of the other way around.

I think Hazel may have been replaced with a doppelganger as she is staring at me while I type this. I think she is 'the enemy'. Her gaze is almost robotic. I might have to take her out when she isn't looking.

Oh, and I decided to buy the entire series of Get Smart on DVD so I can get some real spy training from Maxwell Smart.

That is all...or I would have to kill you.

Newt

TBWCYL Day 18 - Die, Die, Die!!!

Day 18's task was to kill something. Did you know that an average ejaculation has 20 million sperm?

I guess I was a mass murderer today.

You try finding a bug in winter.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day17 - Asparagus

Today's task was to eat asparagus all day long and in doing so, found out how noxious my pee could get. Only problem: I HATE ASPARAGUS!!!!

I tried to take a scientific approach to the whole thing so after starting with a good base pee to test smell, I began eating asparagus with my eggs at breakfast. I then proceeded to eat 1 stalk an hour until 7 in which I then increased my intake around dinner time as the smell was not as pungent as I had hoped/expected. I started to really see results when I added wine to the experiment. I had drank water all day and I think that may have diluted the experiment.

I did eat regular meals as well as the asparagus. I have never liked this shitty vegetable and the idea that I could only eat that made me shiver with fright. This is the first time I have actually said, "What was I thinking" about doing this book. I ate the white asparagus hoping it had a better flavor than the green but I was wrong. It tastes like what tall weeds smell like when you chop them down with a lawn mower.

I held off posting this until the day after because I wanted to make sure I had full results. I never achieved a smell that made me gag which was my goal. Maybe if Ii had eaten the green variety I could have achieved it but I don't know.

Thank god that is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 16 - Read between the lines

So today's task was a blast. I was to discretely give the finger to everyone. Have you ever done this as a silent sticking it to the man or as a fun way to tell your friend to go screw themselves? Well, I did...all day long. I waved to my coworkers husband in just the right way that my middle finger was all that was showing, I scratched my head while in the car and all the other drivers got a secret signal, hell I even pulled, as the book calls it, a "just chillin out".

There are so many opportunities to give the finger that I would realize that I wasn't doing it and casually just come up with some way to grab something. I held my menu at lunch today with only my middler on the outside and everyone at the table was told to F off, not that they noticed. I even did it to my boss as I walked down the hall.

This is such a silly thing to do that I just ran with it. My favorite was when I was stretching and as I gnarled my hands up as my arms outstretched, I just left the two in the middle out while all there little buddies went to see the palm.

We had a birthday party to go to tonight so I utilized the finger in many ways as we sat around a table drinking wine. There was the wine stem hold, the clasped hands with the middle finger out hold, the over Diana's shoulder let only the finger drop hold...so many. What a day.

And finally, you know I did this one.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 15 - That is SOOO GAY!!!

It's official...I'M GAY!!! Well, at least for the day I was. I know what you're thinking, "Newt? Gay? Not that Manly Man who makes Chuck Norris look like Clay Aiken". But that was my task today, "Be Gay for a Day". So, I embodied everything I could think of in the homosexual arena and embraced it...except weiners. I definitely did not embrace any of those.

This actually started last night as I decided I needed a pink shirt to wear to work to proudly say, "I'm Gay." However, I decided this last night at 9:20 when the genius idea hit me so I shot over to Wal-Mart but low and behold, they don't have any pink shirts. Hunting jacket, yes. Pink Shirt, no. So I high tailed it over to Kohl's and with 10 minutes until they closed I picked out a pink button down and a brown sweater that complimented it.

This morning I got up and went to work out. Not Gay per se but I know a few Gay guys and they love to work out so I figured it counted. I checked out some guys packages at the gym but wasn't too impressed. After my workout it was time to get ready. I showered, gelled my hair in the gayes way possible(sadly this was by doing it the same way I always do but more tidy and with a few more spikes in the front then normal) and I got dressed. I had given myself 10 extra minutes in the bathroom to make sure I did this right.

I put on my pink shirt, which was too tight(Gay?), with my brown vest over it and made sure that not only was my collar straight, but I rolled my sweater sleeves up to make sure the cuffs of the shirt stuck out. I put on a pair of pants that Straight Newt would have easily worn and then switched them because I thought another pair would match better and I was right because within 3 seconds of seeing me, my carpool buddy told me she liked my outfit. Gush.

All throughout the day I threw "fabulous" into conversation and people continued to comment on my clothes. I was also told I was Gay when I asked a co-worker if she wanted to go to lunch and have girl talk since I hadn't seen her in a while. Twice I flirted with a guy I work with: once he felt my sweater to see the material and I just purred and during a conversation he looked at another coworker and I said "I wish you looked at me that way" to which he responded "He He, What are YOU doing later".

Once out of work I wanted to make sure I had this done to the best of my ability so in stereotypical Gay fashion, I went shopping. I got so many compliments on my sweater that I went and got three more and a pair of shoes...and it was all on sale Girlfriend.

To finish my day of Gay, I decided I needed to at least see something blatantly homosexual. Since I didn't have any pictures of Thomas, I decided to watch a Gay porn. I'm sure you're all thinking, "What, No Way!!!" but I am supposed to be Gay today so I got on RedTube and searched for something and found a little gem called "A Day In the Pork". I have seen Gay porn maybe twice in my life and I didn't think I would have reason to again but(pun intended) here I was and I have to say...That is some weird shit!

Two dudes gobbeling on each others junk is weird looking enough but when they actually do the deed, I kept expecting a second hole that just wasn't there. It ended the same way as most porn I have seen does but one thing I did think was sporting was that even though one finished, the other got his turn too. Oh, and so did the camera man.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 14 - My Compliments

Today is "a Day of Compliments" so today I was to pass out compliments and see if flattery does get you everywhere. It was actually kind of fun to continuously tell people nice things about themselves but there were times where I found myself acting nicely but not actually giving compliments per se.

So, I told a coworker today that I liked her glasses but I didn't get anything for it. I gave a compliment to a girl I work with at the comic book store about her shirt and it didn't pay off of anything but I am interested to see if it might pay off later. I told a lady I was looking forward to seeing her smiling face again tomorrow so maybe that will pay off in some way but I will have to see.

I tried to throw more out but sometimes it is difficult to just say things to people without coming off as creepy. I went to the grocery store but I thought it would come off as weird to say, "Why that's a nice uniform", and I even went to a bookstore to try to find someone to compliment thinking I could get creative but when I chatted up the sales lady our conversation took a disappointing turn when it turns out she isn't good at what she does and therefore couldn't have a compliment.

You have done an awesome job of reading this,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 13 - Hey Hey Mr. Postman

Today's task is incredibly weird and I was quite worried about doing it. However, I decided I would do it because I am going to do every task possible and to change my life I have to step outside of my comfort zone. This one is definitely uncomfortable.

So, today is "Write a letter to a Mass Murderer" and I chose Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber. Not a person you want to communicate with via the mail but I am living life dangerously. Below is the letter I sent(I wrote it by hand but for this I typed it up).

Dear Mr. Kacynski,

I am writing as part of a personal experiment that stems from a book called This BOOK Will Change Your Life. It is a book you may have heard of in which for 365 days a task is assigned daily that causes you to act contrary to the norm. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have received letters similar to this in previous years because your address is in the book.
You may also be aware that the 13th task, or day 13 is to write a letter to a Mass Murderer. I say all of this so you know that this letter is not political or emotional but borders on the ridiculous.
I chose you from the list in the book specifically because, while I find what you to be wrong and quite horrific, I can at least see that you did it in the name of something. In that respect it made it more, for lack of a better term, acceptable to send communication to you.
I can’t begin to imagine why you chose such a violent method to get your point across. I read up on what your cause seemed to be and while I didn’t read the manifesto that was published, I think I get the general idea. However I don’t understand why people had to die for your cause.
In writing you this letter and my opinion, I think I am achieving a small step in the process I have begun. This letter wouldn’t have been considered a year ago, of that I am sure. I do not write this to pass judgment on you, only to fulfill a commitment I have made to myself.

- May your time be spent productively –
Trinity

That is all,

Newt

Bear with me

I had a random thought of something that I may have thought when I was a kid but can't verify it.

You know the phrase ""I'll kill you with my bare hands"?

I was thinking that if I heard that phrase when I was little I might think someone meant they had the hands of a bear and were going to use them as weapons. Maybe they mounted them on both ends of a stick and would twirl them in a way to create a mauling sensation.

I would definitely be afraid of someone with bear hands attacking me.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 12 - Getting to know you

So, since I switched yesterday and today's tasks, today I introduced myself to someone you know but never speak to. In today's case it was my dental hygienist Dora. I had to go pick up my uber-cool and everyone is getting one mouth guard today and took the time to get to know Dora.

She is a lovely, tiny Spanish woman with a nice smile, as she should have when working for a dentist. We chit chatted about our holiday's and discussed how neither of us rang the new year in with any real gusto. I also inquired about her children of which she has 2, a son of 12 and a daughter, Bianca, who also works at my dentist's office. We had a nice little conversation.

The truth about this task is that it was more difficult than it should have been. First, it pointed out to me that I work and interact with a lot of people I don't really know. I might say hi to a lot of people but the fact is I am just going through the motions when I do. If I ask, "How's it going?" I honestly don't care and just do it out of politeness. Second, once I got the first question out there, it was sort of difficult to follow up and that is kind of sad.

I guess if this book really will change my life, it will probably start by pulling me out of my comfort zone and making me adjust perceptions, or at least point out that I have the perception to begin with.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 11 - My Type

Today I was to supposed to do Day 11 which was "Today introduce yourself to someone you know but never speak to." However, I have a hangover today and as such have had no interest in going outside so in the interest of actually doing that task correctly and not phoning it in, I am going to fulfil it tomorrow and instead, I am doing day 12's task.

So, now my task is : "What's Your Type? Tick it here today as a reminder at drunken parties" My choice were:
Dumb blonde
Clever Brunette
Wild Redhead
Lesbian
Nag
Cold Fish

I decided to check off the closest description to my wife, as I like to have sex and would much appreciate continuing to be able to. So I now have a check mark next to a Clever Brunette who is a Nag. I checked Lesbian off because I was being honest with myself.

I will try not to reorganize these tasks too much but for my own safety and the success of my career, a few of these are going to have to be put to a weekend.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 10 - Houston, we have a problem

Well, today's task seems to be impossible. Today is 'Meet Jonas Day' where I am to go to www.thiswebsitewillchangeyourlife.com and follow the adventures of Jonas as he also does all of the tasks in the book. The problem? This book was written in 2004 and apparently they have not only taken down this thread of info but also put out new books that have substituted the "This Book..." and it is now "This Diary Will Change Your Life".

I guess I get a day off but I was interested to see how Jonas's adventures had turned out. Oh well. I guess I am like that guy who finally switched to cassette tapes from the 8 track but now CDs are the big thing.

That is all,

Newt

Prove it

So, today I got contacted by an ex girlfriend from high school. I am a part of LinkedIn, which is a business version of FaceBook. I never check it but today I got an email message from a girl I dated in high school for about a month. The title of this blog tells you who it is if you know me.

It was funny because when I read the name I had absolutely no idea who it was. I am sure you think that is because with as many ladies as I went through in high school it is just too hard to keep track but that isn't the case. I just forgot her last name. It took me about 10 minutes but I realized who it was and when I did I felt like an idiot.

The point of that story is to tell you that tonight I got out my Senior yearbook and looked through it. If you haven't done this in a while, here is a challenge. Go thorough your yearbook and try to name as many people as you can without looking at the names. It is really difficult but I spent four years with these people and some even longer. I had a fun time flipping through the pages of people and reminiscing about this guy or that girl.

It was funny because it made me realize not only was I a doofus in High School but thinking back there were so many opportunities and chances that I didn't take. If I only knew then what I know now. Sure, I am the person I am today because of the life I have lived but it is always fun to think, "If I could just go back and tell myself..." That question is never ending but I am happy with where I ended up so I can't complain.

I did make a realization that aside from Thomas, I have zero friends from high school; even he doesn't count because we didn't go to the same school. It's somewhat tempting to try to reconnect with a few people but I don't think I could do it. It would be forced and I don't want that. Anyway, after you read this, go grab your yearbook and peruse it. You will be surprised at what you find.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 9 - Good Morning

So, today was 'Do Something before Breakfast Today' so I did. There were a few suggestions but here is what I did today. I got up at 5:30 and went to the gym and spent 30 minutes on the elliptical and worked out my inner and outer thighs because they are flabby. While there I watched half an episode of the 'Fairly Odd Parents' which I watch every day and I don't care what you say but it is freaking funny and 'Back at the Barnyard', which today amused me highly.

The book suggests you call a friend and express surprise that they aren't up yet so I tried to call Erin at 6:30 but she didn't answer and never called me back. I also tried to do the suggestion of going and licking the morning dew from a tree leaf but, sadly, there was no dew this morning. Instead, I stepped out into the wet concrete of my back patio wearing nothing but my boxers.

I would say sorry to Erin but she is to lazy to even have me jack with her so she gets no apology.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 8 - Addicted

Today was Addiction-Free Day. I wasn't to put any addictive substances in my body. So I pretty much had to cut out tea for the entire day and it was not too difficult but I was definitely craving it. I probably drank 4 gallons of water to make up for it though so that might have been good for me.

The goal was to find out how much purer I feel at the end of the day but I don't feel any different. Since I don't smoke or do any drugs, not drinking tea and refraining from alcohol for the day was not a huge accomplishment. I will say that the new Shiner 100 is out and I got a six pack and I was disappointed I couldn't have one today so that made me sad...but not pure.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 7 - 13:56

I would like to apologize for putting this on the Internet as some things are just wrong.

The task was
Masturbate at 13:56 to the following fantasy
WOMEN: I am not going to type it out but it was 5 paragraphs of cheesy romance jargon that sounds like something out of Harlequin.

MEN:
"Two blondes. Doing it. Together."

I completed my task today and that is all I am going to say.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 6 - Book It

Today's task was fairly easy. Today I was to "write the opening sentence of your debut novel". I will get to mine in a moment but before I do, remember how I said the girl that owned this book wrote some crazy shit in here? Well, let me present Kaitlyn's first sentence to her novel.

The demon came with the devil and the demon told satan the devil the devil the devil and satan and the demon and the devil said 666 666 666 666

WTF?!?!?!?!

Someone should maybe see a shrink to figure out where that came from. I mean, come on, use a freaking comma for Christ's sake! And would it kill you to puntuate? Idiot!!!

Anyway, here is my sentence of my debut novel.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" shouted Bert to his semi-retarded brother, Ernie.

Is it sad that after writing this I began to make up a scenario where Bert is forced to take care of his brother, Ernie, in a one bedroom apartment infested by birds and has to constantly deal with the drunken bum, Oscar, all while hiding his own blatant homosexuality and dealing with his bouts of obsessive compulsive disorder?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 5 - Out of Order

Now here is a task that has been fun. The mission for Day 5 is to create anarchy by pasting this out of order sign to random things to cause social breakdown. I went to Kinkos last night and made 10 copies of this sign and all throughout the day I have been causing mass confusion and hysteria.

Sign 1 was placed on the Soda machine this morning at my work. I placed it on the dollar slot of the machine to double confuse people because they won't know if the machine isn't working or just the dollar changer. It isn't something you want to take a chance on though because if you are wrong you might loose some change. The sign stayed until 5 when I removed it. No one mentioned it though.

For lunch, I went to Whataburger to read and grab a tea. I needed to get out of the office and decided to cause more confusion. I decided that I was going to put Sign 2 on the soda fountain and I was going to get a picture...and I was going to do it when everyone was around. I was tingling when I went into action.

I prepped the tape and got the sign ready. I had a book in my hand so I placed the sign face against the book and with my drink cup in hand, I made my way to the machine. I had my camera in my pocket, ready to take a snapshot and went about refilling my cup. I checked over my shoulder and saw no one was looking and quickly snapped the sign to the Strawberry Fanta head in hopes that no one would notice it.

With the sign up, I just had to get the picture and I was ready to get out. I moved into position by grabbing a drink lid and reached my right hand into my pocket and grabbed the camera. I positioned it as best I could and hoped my blind shot would get a good pic. The camera snapped and, dammit, the flash went off. Suddenly, I heard the black lady that was working the fryers exclaim, "Was that lightning?!? Did anyone see that? Was that lightning?!?" I almost peed myself as I casually made my way out of the restaurant, waving goodbye to the cashier as I went.

Sign 3 was much easier as I placed it above an elevator I was riding at the corporate offices of my client, 7-11. I had to drop a bill off today so while alone in the elevator, I placed it and grabbed a quick shot. I figure people will think that it just means that one set of buttons don't work. Sign 4 was placed on a scale in the local grocery store while I stopped to get some odds and ends. I figure this one might stay for a while because who uses those anymore?

Sign 5 was a last minute stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. I drove it by my co-workers house and placed it on her mailbox. She doesn't know about my project so I am imagining that tomorrow I might hear about how she found it and I am hoping I can keep a straight face.

And no prank can be complete without a little goof on my wife so I place a sign on her pillow for her to find tonight.

This was a fun task and I can honestly say that this is the first one that I feel changed my life.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 4 - Color the World

Today's task was to take today's page from the book and color it. It has a map of the entire world and you are to "work out your globetrotting plans for the rest of your time on earth" by coloring in the places you have been (in green), intend to go this year(in blue), intend to go before you die (in yellow), and happy never to set foot there in my whole life (in red).

Below is my map.


Doing this did make me realize that this is a huge world and I haven't made a good start towards visiting it. My one green area is pretty lonely but even my blues don't add to much to my color wheel.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 3 - Throw it out

For today's task I was told "Today throw something away that you like". I hated to be wasteful so instead of throwing the item away I chose to donate it to the local Goodwill but I think the spirit of it was still there.

I chose to 'throw away' three picture frames that I got on a trip with Thomas to Florida. In 2003 we road tripped to Florida to visit my cousin, Stacy, and go to Universal Studios. While we were there I got three character frames to hold pictures: King Kong, Woody Woodpecker and Jaws. We made our living room movie themed and these played into it well and kept pictures from the trip in them.

So, I packaged them up and Diana dropped them off at the Goodwill.


Goodbye little souvenirs.

Newt

TBWCYL - Day 2 Love Life

We are into the swing of things and for today's exercise, I am to "gaze at everyone wondering whether they might be the one true love of your life, the one destined for you and you alone, and whether you might be passing them by forever... Aet in consequence."

I decided I would only do this with perfect strangers to make things more interesting. Using people I already know seems like a stretch since I know details about them and the realism of my wondering might overshadow the point of it all. While I am happily married, I took this seriously. However, I didn't consider dudes because I don't need no sausage fest going on, OK!?!

I found this exercise to be harder than I originally thought. First, since it was the Friday after the New Year, things were slower in Dallas and my number of possible soul mates seemed to be reduced. Also, my mind normally will wander without prompting but today, since I was tasked to, I had a difficult time making my brain do this. It's the opposite of telling someone not to think of a purple elephant. Tell me to think of something and I can't force the juices to flow.

But, I finally found a couple of candidates. The first I saw from afar at the local Borders Books as I was in there this afternoon. She was a blonde, which I normally don't go for and thus I might be missing them as my true love. She was in the range of 25 to 30 and wore a white shirt. That's all I could see from over the book racks but my mind saw more. We would be married in the fall and she would bare me 2 children. We grow old together and die in each others arms. Funny enough, in my entire daydream she wears the same white shirt.

My other possibility was a large black woman with fake eye lashes that verged on the 250 lb range and was about 5 feet tall. I named her Eye'leasha because of the spiderleg eyelashes she wore. I saw her in line at the Sonic counter in the mall tonight. I was apprehensive at first but using the criteria that she is my one true love, I forced myself to get into the spirit. However, in this scenario, love isn't the only force to deal with. Our relationship has it's ups and downs because of the race issue and neither of our families really approves. Also, her weight becomes an issue early on and causes us physical problems. Despite our love, the outside forces break us up after 9 months. Years later, I see her on the street a changed woman. She resembles Halle Berry more than Monique but the years and the superficial reasons for our break up cause us both to be polite but not consider a reunion.

Daydreaming can be a trip.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL - Day One

Ok, so here is the first challenge of the This Book Will Change Your Life, or to hereby be known as TBWCYL. Day 1 is a warm up to get into the swing of things.

I have been given the task of choosing one thing from a list of things to do and performing it.

A few of the funnier choices are:
Perform a strip tease(in private)
Try a new sandwich filling
Set all of your clocks to exactly the right time
Go on a one-minute hunger strike

The task I have chosen however is:
Decide which of your toes is the prettiest.

I can already rule out both pinkies because they just look silly and the toes next to them both look like sausages so they are out. I am really fond of both my big toes and my index toes but I think if I have to choose I will say that the index toe on my right foot is really the most appealing. It lacks excessive hair and fits perfectly in between my big toe and my middle. It also has a better dexterity than the left foots toes so I think it is the clear winner.


That is all,

Newt

The This Book Will Change Your Life Experiment

Well, we have hit 2009 and I don't believe in resolutions but it has come to my attention that some people other than my best friend actually read this silly blog so I have decided that I will undertake a challenge. I think fate intermingled with me today because I went to my local Half Price Books today after getting home from Midland where I spent the holidays. I was walking around and stumbled across a book called THIS BOOK WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

I have to explain something about this book before I go any farther. First, it came out when I worked at WaldenBooks in college. I saw it when it was new and thought it was a great idea but at the time I didn't have the patience or need to do what the book said so I bypassed it. In short this is not a self help book but a 365 page instruction manual for adding crazy shit into your life...and I am going to do it.

It has a daily task that is extremely odd, random, dangerous, etc and you are to perform the tasks daily to add some new life to your life. Thus, today being the first day of the year, you can see how I believe fate had something to do with me finding this book.

As I bought it at a used book store, I found it to be partially completed but apparently the previous owner could only finish the first few days where she quit. From what clues I found, the previous owner was

a 19 year old girl named Katliyn
was given the book by her boyfriend, Joel
has a best friend named Erin
her favorite color was green
favorite food: Cotton Patch
and I am pretty sure she has something weird going on with Satan or a Demon because she scribbled some stuff in the book that I will touch upon later.

Anyway, I am going to do my damnedest to finish this experiment and you should see at least one new blog a day chronicling what the hell this book is telling me to do. I will be as thorough as possible and hopefully I can stick to this.

That is all,

Newt

For a good time call...

I have a confession to make. Whenever I stop to go to the bathroom anywhere that isn't a place I know, i.e. my home or that of someone I know, I always check for writing. Stall doors and the wall above a urinal are the best places to find a multitude of interesting quips. Here are a few that I continuously see.

First, the word "Penis". I have actually considered taking a camera with me and photographing this word whenever I see it and making it a coffee table book. Be it carved into a stall door or scribbled on the grout between the tile it is prevalent everywhere in America. For some reason, guys just love writing this word. I am unsure if this is a weird phallic obsession or maybe it is gender based. Do women write "Vagina" on the metal of the toilet paper roll holder?

U R Gay! Why do people write this? First, it is lazy that you can't spell out all of the words and B, why are you gay? Just because I had to drop a duece in the JC Penney stall does not automatically mean I like the weiner. And I think that whoever wrote this may have some unresolved issues they need to work out.

"For good head call 'insert name and number here'" Has anyone actually called one of these numbers? I imagine that going something like this...
Ring, Ring
"Hello?"
"Hey, yeah my name is Robbie and I am in the second stall at the Texaco out on Route 4. I am looking for Tammy."
"This is Tammy, how did you get this number?"
"Well, it says here that you give a great BJ and I was wondering if you could fit me in."
"Oh, this was my write up on the stall door. Yes, I have been getting a lot of hits from that. Let me get my appointment book and I can see what I have open."

This is the most F-ing retarded thing to do. Clearly you have to be mental to call the number to begin with and I would imagine that no one is going to just let you come on over to verify the recommendation. Also, if they were that good, would you really let that secret out or just keep it for yourself? Most likely this is false advertising.

I love the phenomenon of toilet stall graffiti. It is always random and many times entertaining. I will leave you with one I saw today on the way home from Mississippi.

A scholarly gentleman had carved "Faggat" into the urinal wall. Above that, someone used a sharpie to proclaim "Learn to Spell" with an arrow aiming at the word.

That is all,

Newt

Toes R Us

I had an interesting Wednesday trip. I got off around 2 and Diana wanted a pedicure so I decided to tag along and for the interest of reporting, get a pedicure. The closest I have ever come to having my toes done is when Diana pulled out the foot bath she owns and gave me a foot scrub so I was not sure what to expect.

Surprise, an old chinese lady ran the place. Who would have guessed? I was put in a surprisingly high tech chair, it had a message feature and swivel action, and commenced with the foot job. The woman who worked on my feet was slightly demanding. She would yank my feet around and slap them when she wanted me to lift or drop my foot.

She pushed my cuticles in, scrubbed the bottoms of my feet, and rubbed down my calves with some grainy gel. It was an odd process to say the least. They even put a clear polish on my toes to give it a nice shine.

I won't be getting another one of these though. My big toe on my right foot has had an itch on the cuticle all day and I probably have a fungal infection now that will make me have to cut it off. The one bit I did enjoy was the tickling my feet got when I was pummiced. Not sure that was worth $20. I think if I was going to give a Chinese woman $20 bucks to rub something down I should be more satisfied at the end of the thing.

That is all,

Newt

Bah Humbug!!!

I am having a big problem with Christmas this year. Not only have I gotten into a few arguments with Diana over it, I just generally don't want to celebrate Christmas this year. To date I have had 25 celebrations of Jesus' birth. 25 days of opening gifts, buying presents and making sure that everything is the way it is supposed to be. Is it wrong to want a year off?

I am in an odd place with Christmas. As a person who doesn't practice organized religion, I have taken Jesus out of the equation. Except that at the same time, I don't think that buying stuff for people just so they can open something on the arbitrary day that someone decided to celebrate the birth of Jesus is enough of a reason to celebrate.

Yesterday morning I had what turned in to an argument with Diana because she said Christmas is about giving people presents. And that's really true. No one gives a shit about little baby Jesus and the three wise men. Now its "What do you want for Christmas" and 'Black Friday' sales; making sure everyone gets a present and trying to rack your brain to come up with something that will show everyone that you love them. It makes me sick.

It is shown that when the financial economy is in crisis, the first thing to go is donating to charity. People only give when they can and that is a shame because the people who need it most get screwed so people can buy their kids and relatives stuff they don't need. So, here's what I would like to do. If I know you and you know me, then don't buy me anything for Christmas. I know, "But I want you to have something to open on Christmas." It's OK. I understand...but I don't need anything. I can live without movies and I don't need clothes. Take whatever you were going to spend on me and donate it. Here is the charities I would like to see get help this year.

The Hero Foundry is a non-profit organization that raises money to donate Graphic Novels to underfunded Libraries. It gives kids a chance to read comics when their libraries might not spend the money to bring in this type of literature.

The SPCA of Texas is also near and dear to me as it is where we got Hazel. They take in strays and rescue animals of all kinds and are a no kill shelter. They are privately funded and need help.

And if you must hand me a gift so I have something to open on Christmas, just put a note in an envelope that says "An animal is still alive because I gave money in your name" or "A library now has a book they wouldn't have because of you" and I will be happier than if I got Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on DVD.

That is all,

Newt

Unrecognizable

Well, last night I decided it was time to clear the field that is my face and I shaved off my goatee. This isn't a permanent thing but from time to time I like to give my face a few days of nudiness so before bed, i got my trimmer and zipped it off, then followed it up with a razor. When I got into bed, I expected Diana to comment but she didn't notice and we went to bed.

This morning, we got up and went to work out. She said nothing about it so I left it alone. In my opinion, if your spouse makes a noticeable change to their appearance, it should be quickly apparent to you. Diana got out of the shower and I got in and she didn't notice. We were having a conversation while we were both getting ready and she didn't notice. We began to goof around and started having a staring contest. She didn't notice. I literally got inches from her face. She didn't notice. She commented that I had a double chin and I made my face look fatter. She didn't notice. She reached up and pinched my chin with her thumb and index finger. She didn't notice.

Finally I asked, "Have you noticed that I shaved off my goat?" There is a phenomenon that happens when a person realizes they have been looking at something extremely apparent and yet don't see it and that phenomenon slapped my wife in the face this morning. Loudly, she screamed, "Why did you do that?" to which I could only reply "What difference does it make? You can't seem to tell one way or the other."

As a epilogue to this story, a coworker of mine who is a dude noticed it within 15 seconds of talking to him.

Sometimes you think you know a person...

That is all,

Newt

Bringin' Down the House

Friday was an eventful day. At 8:15 am I got a call from the neighbor across the alley from me. The call went like this.

"Trinity, this is Jason. Are you home?"

"No, I am at work."

"Oh, well my partner forgot to put on his parking brake and ran in the house and his car rolled out and hit your garage."

"What?!! Does it look bad?"

"Well, your door is damaged and it hit the side of the house so I am more worried by the broken wood."

Well, we went to Lubbock on Friday so this was less than optitmal. Diana came home and took pictures. We called in for a contractor to get a look at it and got the quote today. Our house is messed up.

We came home back and forced the garage door up to get my truck out. Our garage is out of commission for the time being.

That is all,

Newt

Pop a Squat

I just walked in the bathroom and the familiar smell of burnt pumpkin hit my nose. This means my lovely wife took a quick respite and expelled a little waste. The odd thing is, I didn't notice that she had gone and it got me wondering, "How does Diana poop so fast?"

I just don't understand it. I have considered bringing Scully and Mulder in on this because it is a phenomenon that I can't explain. I can literally be in the living room and by the time I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water, Diana has gone. The only way I find out about it is if I have to pee.

I asked her today how she goes so quickly and her response was, "I only had one turd in me." What is she doing that her body only makes one little piece of poo? How is that possible? It's like a chicken laying an egg, one drop and you're done. It's weird. I am going to call Ripley's Believe it or Not and find out if this is something that they have covered before. Maybe it is next to that lady with the 50 golden rings around her neck and the bible printed on a postage stamp.

That is all, no really, that was all. "one turd."

Newt

Getting a hand job from a new guy

So I read about this guy in Germany who just had a double arm transplant. He lost both of his arms in a farming accident and his arms were severed off just below the shoulder. 6 years later he got both arms replaced and reattached. You can read the whole thing here.

None the less, it made my mind start and I wondered...isn't this kind of a gay thing to have happen? Not the loss of arms. I know that's not gay. But think about it. If he ever masturbates it's literally another mans hands doing the up and downs.

Sure, they're not attached to someone else but it still begs the question of if he should really think about it before he polishes his nob. You don't know where those hands have been.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - ACL 2008 Saturday

Well, we are on to Saturday for this years ACL Festival. Diana and I got to the park around 11 and met up with Micheal and Shelly again. We went to see the Old 97's on the big stage and lucked out by sitting in the shade of a tree.

I was lazy on Saturday and took in quite a few shows on the same stage so I could hold my spot under the tree for the Drive By Truckers show while Diana went to see Jose Gonzales. I did go walking around a little bit but it was pretty hot and I was trying not to drink as much for the day so I appreciated the shade as much as possible.

Around 4:30 we watched Erykah Badu and afterwards I did something stupid. One of the more genius things that ACL does is called Rock and Recycle. They give people who ask for it a trash bag and if you pick up cans and bottles off the ground, they give you stuff like shirts and gift bags. So, after Erykah I decided I would do that so I didn't have to buy a shirt. The only problem with this is that if you don't fill the bag up completely you get a lesser prize. Well, I filled that thing up but because I didn't have it filled to the top, I was only eligible for a bag.

Coner Oberst, who you may know from Bright Eyes, was coming up and I wasn't missing it so we took the bag and we went to get close to the stage for the concert. I have seen Bright Eyes before but the difference between that and Coner's solo music is pretty different. Awesome lyrics though.

When that let out it was pretty easy to get the bag filled and I went and claimed my official shirt. That was $20 I didn't have to spend. BooYah!!!

I wanted to go see 'Iron and Wine' but because Alison Krauss and Robert Plant was on my schedule, I had to skip it. Talk about a crowd...I had to fight my way up to get anywhere near the stage. Diana and everybody else went to see Beck so I was by myself which made it much easier to fight through things. I got pretty close and was very happy with the show. Between Alison and Robert, they switched off quite a bit and had a fun air about it.

Here is something I took for granted on Friday. I left early and didn't have any trouble leaving. Saturday I was not so fortunate. Both final shows let out about the same time so the thousands of people that were leaving made it difficult to get on a shuttle. At one point we entered what we thought was the line and a cop informed us we needed to head to the end. After walking for about 5 minutes we didn't see that an end actually existed and reconsidered using the shuttles. We headed for a cab but there were about 2000 people in line so we decided to retry the shuttle and they had the lines organized so well that we got back and were able to get on a shuttle in about 30 minutes. It was impressive.

That is all,

Newt

Shark Weak?

This is the coolest story I have heard in a long time. Guy and his dog are at the beach and the dog is swimming. The owner sees a 5 foot shark pull the dog, a rat terrier, under the water. He jumps in and punches the shark in the back and saves the dog. You can read about it here but that's the gist.

How F-ing cool is that? He just punched a shark. That isn't something you just do on a whim. You have balls to do that. I know to help protect yourself against shark if they attack you are supposed to punch them around the base of their head and it causes them to release sometimes but if I saw one of my dogs get grabbed by a shark I don't think my first thought would be to slap that bitch. I would probably scream like a girl and cry. Or at least I would have.

Now I am going to be one tough Muther F-ing Shark Puncher. They better beware. I am going to uppercut them, side swipe them and pull a "FATALITY' old school and rip their backbone out through their throat. That is if they had backbones.

Jaws, you better not get near my dogs because now I know your Kryptonite: My Fists.

Kapoow!!!!

Newt

Summer Concert Series - ACL 2008 Friday

I am not sure if we are still in Summer or not but last weekend was a three day event known as the Austin City Limits Music Festival. Diana and I attended it and after three days of music, sunshine and dust we made it home yesterday at 4 A.M.

I am going to cover this in three blogs to make sure that the festival isn't under appreciated. First and foremost, you can see all of the pictures on our Photo Site. I got up and drove to Austin on Friday by myself to attend the first day of ACL. Diana was stuck in Dallas for Friday due to work so I arrived in Austin at 10:30 and rode the shuttle to Zilker Park for the event. I met up with my cousin Micheal and his girlfriend while there and stood in line with them while they got someone from 'Vampire Weekend's autograph.

We set our chairs up to watch 'Asleep at the Wheel' and followed it up with a band I had never heard of called 'What Made Milwaukee Famous'. If you have the time, check out their music. It was fairly entertaining and made for some good listening.

One of the things I really appreciated about this type of festival is the varying degree of talent that shows up. Along with the fact that the styles are so eclectic, you get to find things you aren't familiar with. After 'Milwaukee' I broke from my cousin and went and took in Jakob Dylan. I knew the name but wasn't familiar with his stuff and was pleasantly surprised. Ironically, his father closed out the festival last year and was not very good from what I hear so to see him playing was a treat.

I wasn't the only Dallas resident to be attending the show. Erin drove down as well and after Jakob Dylan, I met up with her to watch a singer by the name of Patty Griffin sing. She was very Melissa Ethridge and at one point I looked over and saw a pair of legs in the crowd that were hairier than mine but were somehow attached to a woman of considerable girth. Crazy Lesbos.

For those who don't know, I am a closet Country fan and the 'Eli Young Band' played at the Austin Ventures stage. I went alone again but didn't care because they put on a hell of a show. I even ended up buying one of their albums on Saturday.

The final show of the night, and my second favorite performance of the entire festival was 'The Swell Season'. I met back up with Erin for this one and got much closer to the stage than any of the other concerts. It was getting darker so the temp was going down and was a nice end to the night. This is the duo that won 'Best Original Song' at the Oscars for the song "Falling Slowly" from the film 'Once'. Glen Hansard is one hell of a guitarist and can sing too. He played an acoustic Van Morrison cover where he strummed the hell out of his guitar. His duets with the other half of the band, Marketa Irlova were great and they really play well off of each other.

Sadly, this ended my first day at ACL due to the need to go pick up Diana. I had some time to kill and went to grab some dinner when I stumbled across an original A-Frame Whataburger that was decorated with a retro theme. I was so hungry from the day but I was patient after ordering my food and was paid off with an awesome meal that rivals some of the other Whataburgers I have had. There was a nostalgia to the whole thing.

The high or Friday was about 92 degrees. It was hot but not unbearable though I really appreciated every $8 24oz. Heineken I drank and the tea at the end of the night could not be refilled fast enough.

That is all,

Newt

Oktoberfest 2008

Every year Addison Texas holds the annual Oktoberfest and last night we went. There was a Bier Garten, a traditional tapping of the Keg, and lots and lots of German food. It is a three day event but we only went last night. Diana and I had sausage, strudel, and funnel cake and lots of beer.

In one of my prouder moments, I competed in the beer belly contest. It consisted of me and about 10 other guys parading our bellies around for a crowd. I tried my belly rolling to get me some style points but there were a couple of guys who had plenty of years of training on me took the top two spots. I got a free appetizer to a restaurant I frequent so I wasn't disappointed.

We got to witness a yodelling contest that was pretty silly. I made our friend, Mike, compete in it. We were led in a chant for the Prost! and Zicke-Zicka, Zicke-Zicka, Hoi, Hoi, Hoi!. One awesome thing was that every year you can buy a souvenir mug and can refill it with beer for $5 a glass. Small investment but nice return.

It was a blast and when you get a bunch of people drinking and trying to speak German, you can't go wrong.

That is all,

Newt

Oh the Humanity!

My faith in Humanity has been pulled on quite a bit in the last couple of days. While on my way home Friday, I saw something that made me think people are lousy. I was sitting in my friends car and saw a bicyclist riding down the sidewalk. A car was sitting at a stop light that was about to turn green(I know this because we were on the cross light and it had turned red) and just as the biker was about to hit the street, the light turned and the car made a quick right turn.

The bikers front wheel was hit because he was entering the street and it knocked him for a loop. He didn't fall because he had slowed down quite a bit before entering the street but it took him a while to get the bike going again and after he got to the other side of the road he got off the bike and I think he was checking it out because the wheel was bent.

The driver of the car just kept going and I don't know if that is because they didn't see him tap the car or if they just didn't want to deal with it. It all happened so fast that I am not 100% sure that he even hit the car but none the less, if they did know and just drove off then there are assholes in Lewisville.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, yesterday I was sitting at Whataburger(I get it, I eat there a lot) and was reading a book and waiting for the comic book store to open. When I got my drink I smelled a man sitting in the corner and could automatically tell he was homeless. It was raining in Dallas yesterday and I have seen many times that the Homeless population and Whataburger have a relationship. He was drinking coffee and generally not bothering anyone except for his smell.

As I read and ate my breakfast I started to feel a twinge of guilt. Why didn't I offer that guy breakfast or a burger? Why don't I go give him my Whataburger gift card so he can eat and I don't worry that he is spending cash on hooch? What keeps me in my seat when another human is suffering? I almost got up about three times and approached him but I held back. I looked over later and a man who had come in with his wife, son and newborn had bought the man lunch without even asking and I heard him say "Sir, here is lunch for you if you would like it." He sat the tray down and went back to eating with his family.

It made me feel good about people and bad about myself. I could have still gone to the man and offered him something but my pettiness came through and I thought that people would only think I was doing that because someone else had first. It's ludicrous to think that but I did and it stopped me from being a good Samaritan.

That is all,

Newt

Nagasaki Revenge

Yesterday I had an interesting event take place. I was on my way to an eye doctor appointment and was in the process of making a right turn into a 4 lane road. The lane I was turning into had a solid white line in it so I was turning into a protected lane.

Well, apparently I was the only one who ever learned about the white line thing because as I am turning, I hear a tiny little "beeeeeeeeep". At first I didn't see anyone but when I completed my turn, I noticed that a little Japanese or Chinese guy in a small silver car had jumped from his lane into the lane to his left and was flailing his arms about.

It took a moment before I realized that he had gotten over because I was turning and he was flinging his arms around because he thought I was going to hit him. The stupid thing was that there was no way I was anywhere near him as I had turned into my lane. I was going to just shrug it off but then things got serious.

Little fucker gave me the finger! I mean, who does that? He zoomed in front of me and the whole time he is just waving his hands in the air in the "What the Hell?" movement. You may have seen this before from your father or mother when you thought to yourself, "Sure, I can jump my bike off that curb" or "The tattoo is such a good idea".

Anyway, I don't know what came over me but I got pissed and I threw my middle finger up and aimed it in his general direction. And I added some gusto to it. Then, he waved his arms some more so I waved my arms back at him and with an elaborate hand gesture I kindly pointed out that I was in my lane and he was a fucktard. Stupid jerk.

I was afraid he might turn all kamikaze on me so I entered the highway instead of staying on the service road. Little turd made me so mad though.

That is all,

Newt

Ironic Holiday

It seems slightly ironic that a holiday called Labor day, which is designed to give the working citizen a day off, is one of the most exhausting weekends that I have had in a while. The weekend had 4 people visiting, plus a baby, it had a barbecue that got larger than I expected, and I had to work at the comic book store on Saturday.

Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing my friends and definitely was glad to see my baby but I needed a re-Labor day to make up for the lack of sleep. We stayed up late talking and got up early to, well I am not actually sure why but lets blame the baby since she was up anyway.

We spent Labor Day saying goodbye to everyone and trying to relax to prepare for work. I know a lot of people who love 4 day weeks but I have to say, it is too much stress for me. I hate going back after a day off because you never know what you are going to get. It's funny that at the end of Labor Day I felt like I had worked and I still haven't caught up on my sleep.

That is all,

Newt

Not the face, Not the Face

I have been taking more fruit in my lunches lately and every time I go to eat a peach, all I want to do is hurl it at someone. While this in and of itself is disturbing, the main thing this brings to mind is a random question. If you had to, would you rather be hit in the face by a peach, a banana or a kiwi?

Please state your reasons.

That is all,

Newt

Maybe later...

Isn't it funny how you will have something to do but can't bring yourself to do it. Then when you finally break down and do whatever it is you need to, you want to kick yourself for being such a lazy ass.

Right now, I am avoiding mowing my yard, giving the dog a haircut, and cataloging my comics. I have forgone these things which need to be done and instead have chosen reading, surfing the Internet, and I am considering playing Nintendo.

Did people do this in the old days. Did Farmer Joe wake up and avoid getting on his tractor? Did the inn keeper dottle in the kitchen to avoid changing sheets? Did the village idiot do a crossword instead of his duty of flinging poop at passers by?

I tell myself to quit being a procrastinator but I don't have it in me. I just can't make myself do work today.

That is all,

Newt

What Would Jesus Read

I was reading Fight Club today on my throne when I had a stunning hypothetical that I want to know feedback on. This springs from a foray into the Gigantic Half Price Books store in Dallas.

Lets just say God comes down and says, "I feel that I screwed up a little by giving you guys so much free will. So, I have decided to put limits on the human race. I am going to have to grandfather everyone in on this rule so to be a kind God, I am going to let you choose 5 authors and you will only be able to read the books that they have written for all eternity. If they write something new, you can read it but otherwise you are stuck with the choices you make." What would you do?

I would say, "God, that is a right perplexing problem but I think I can do that. My Five choices are:(in no particular order)

Ray Bradbury because his catalog is extensive and he covers multiple genre. His Sci-Fi is great, his prose is intelligent and his madcap style is hilarious.

Chuck Palaniuk because he never writes the same thing twice, he is consistently creative and he has a twisted mind that breathes fresh air into his stories.

Kurt Vonnegut because he saw the world with eyes that I wish I could have glimpsed out of and he pushes points with humor that most people can't get across with facts.

Neil Gaiman because he writes with a bit of sophistication but not with too much seriousness.

And finally, I guess I would have to finish the list with

J.R.R. Tolkien because if I am to be limited to 5 authors, let one of them be so creative as to have written a world, not just a story.

Then I would tell God how nice it was to make his acquaintance and go take all of my other books to the designated spot for relocation.

So, put yourself in front of God and ask yourself, What Would Jesus Read.

That is all,

Newt

What in Stagnation?

Well, things have been a little predictable around the lily pad the last few weeks and I have been trying to break out of the funk. Two things are being done to accomplish this.

First, I started reading Fight Club. No, that doesn't mean I am going to sell all of my stuff and go live in a house with a bunch of guys that are going to ritualistically beat me and I, in turn, them. No, this is significant for one reason: I have been afraid to read it.

Now I know what you are thinking..."Why are you afraid of a book?" Simple answer: Expectations. I have read almost every Chuck Palahniuk book written except his newest couple and Fight Club. Brad Pitt and Edward Norton opened my eyes to Palahniuk. I have been creeped out, turned on, and cranked up over his writings, and the Big Daddy of his books has always been Fight Club. Therefore I didn't want to have an inkling of disappointment in it so even tough I own a signed copy of it from a meeting a few years ago with Chuck, I still haven't cracked it.

That all changed yesterday. I am breaking down the smallest of walls in my library. Maybe there is a speck of knowledge to be gained from the thing that I just couldn't handle until now. Maybe I won't be afraid to take a punch to the face(who am I kidding? Not the face!!!). Hell, I could even hate it and have put all this time into something for no payoff. Occupo Libri.

The second thing is I have started writing again. I got this odd quote in my head a few days ago and I went out the next day for a composition notebook and have been writing ever since. Some is nonsense, there is a story of some sort mixed in, and there are many random thoughts that need somewhere to go. No matter, it is good to put a pen to paper. And I am writing in pen which is about the most uncharacteristic thing I have taken to doing.

I have to figure that if you don't mix up the batter of life, you just end up with a shitty tasting cake.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - Journey, Heart and Cheap Trick

Well, I was almost going to wait until later to post this because I was feeling lazy but I felt blogging about a July event in August was just not responsible.

We celebrated Diana's Birthday on Sunday by going to dinner at Gloria's Mexican Restaurant on Greenville. A bunch of friends came along and we had a grand time. Afterwards, about half of the group went to SuperPages.com center for the second 80's rock out that we have been to this weekend.

We arrived a little late so we only saw two or three Cheap Trick songs. No big loss, let me tell ya. Heart came out and really put on a great show. Bad thing was I just kept imagining Guitar Hero song riffs when Barracuda was sang.

Journey finished out the night. For those of you who don't know, the lead singer of Journey, Steve Perry, left the band in 98. They have since replaced him with this guy: Arnel Pineda. He was the lead singer in a Journey cover band from the Philippines. And I'll be damned if he didn't rock out the house and bring a young vibe that has been missing. We saw them last year and this was a hell of a lot better.

We don't have any more concerts lined up until ACL in September(eat your heart out Thomas).

That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Boneheads

Two canines were caught today in the act of a felony misdemeanor. Hazel Nut and her accomplice Duncan Nonuts were caught today in the act of robbery with the intent to consume illegal contraband. Suspects, seen here, were caught by Officer Trinity at the home of the Vaughn's of Lewisville.

Suspect Hazel Nut, seen with stolen bones from the Vaughn's pantry, showed remorse in her questioning. Be warned, some of the crime scene footage can be horrifying. It appears the two suspects let themselves into the Vaughn pantry sometime between the hours of 8 and 5 this afternoon and were unable to make away with the rawhide before an officer arrived at the scene.

Duncan Nonut was not at the scene at the time but had tried a hasty escape through the dog door. Finding both exits blocked and having a genetic condition of Tiny Legs, he was forced to turn himself in. After pleading 'Not Guilty' he was later discovered with some of the evidence that he had apparently hidden in the Vaughn's Kitchen.

Hazel is in solitary confinement at the moment and Duncan is under house arrest.

That is all,

Newt

Dr. Horribles Sing Along Blog

Well, I discovered something new and fun. There is a web series that was release about a week ago called Dr. Horribles Sing-Along Blog and it stars Neil Patrick Harris as a would be mad scientist who tries to talk to his true love while fighting his arch nemesis "The Hammer". Oh, and there is singing. Below is a sample from Episode 1.

You can buy all three episodes on iTunes or look on YouTube for some of the songs. It was extremely different and also quite entertaining to hear the other side of a superhero rivalry with inventive music to go along with it. I would highly recommend it.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - Bryan Adams & Foreigner

What a night. Last night we did a double feature of 80's goodness with an outdoor concert featuring Bryan Adams & Foreigner. I bought $10 lawn seats and I have to say that this was probably the best concert I have seen for the money spent.

My $10 got me lawn seats that were pretty close in relation to the stage. Bryan Adams is the man in terms of hits and for an hour and a half he played them all. The coolest part of the night was when he stopped playing to ask that someone from the audience come up on stage and sing with him. He looked around the front rows and found a woman, Jill, to bring up on stage. His choice was great because not only was she from Chicago(boos erupted from the crowd) but she was entertaining. I don't remember which song they sang but she knew the words and during the course of the duet, she rubbed up on Bryan, they bumped butts, and she shook her booty while he played the guitar. It was awesome.

Foreigner did a really good job as well. The lead singer wasn't the original but he looked like he had stepped out of the 80's with his long hair and colorful open chested shirt. They played all the hits from 'Urgent', 'Dirty White Boys' and 'Jukebox Hero' and a couple of lesser known. I wrote a blog on the awesomeness of this band a while back that you can read here.

It was a blast to see and I can't recommend them enough.

That is all,

Newt

Music drives me crazy

Last night we had a crazy evening which involved our CD collection. I know that a lot of people have started using iTunes and buying all of their albums online and, while I do that occasionally, I still like to have the actual CD from a store.

About a year ago, we went and bought one of those CD Binders that we put all of our CDs in so we don't have to have the cases laying everywhere. Well, Diana got the idea in her head that it was time to put all of the CDs that we have recently accumulated into our CD binder. That's when the trouble started.

It began with her going around collecting all of the CDs from the cars and rooms in the house. The first problem...we went to a Bright Eyes concert about 8 or 9 months ago and when Diana wasn't looking, I bought a CD and hid it in my car. She didn't want me spending money at the time so I was trying to be sneaky. Well, I hid it in my truck and forgot about it and I heard her yelling from the garage, "Dammit Trinity, you have a CD in here that you haven't even opened." I was caught red handed and had forgotten I committed a crime. Whoops.

Well, she sat on the floor and pulled all of the CDs out of their cases and started to put them in their places when I decided to join her. She looked down when it was time to put in a Ben Folds album and asked me, "Do you only have the 3 Ben Folds CDs?" Well, I have 5 and after looking, we couldn't find 2 of them. Then, we noticed that our first John Mayer album was missing. And Diana couldn't find the latest Dixie Chicks Cd. It was starting to look like we had lost some of our music.

This prompted me to have to get the box of CD cases out of the attic and the two of us opened every case and compared it to the binder. About 3/4 of the way through, we were missing 5 CDs. I were starting to get worried because I knew that I hadn't been using them. As Diana got up to get something from the kitchen, I looked up and right in front of me was the CD player.

Little side note: Diana puts CDs on as she is house cleaning. I hit the open button and sure enough, there were the majority of the missing CDs. Yet, still we were missing Ben Folds. So we continued our search. We went through all of the cases and they were still missing. So then we had to give up and Diana started putting the last of the CDs in the sleeves.

Diana and I have had issues with spelling before but she must have been really off yesterday because she had a hard time finding the Ben Folds albums because I had hidden them under F. They weren't the Ben Folds Five albums so I stuck them in alphabetically. Who'd a thunk?

The frustration that was beamed towards my wife last night was momentous. No CDs were missing and I felt like the last hour of my life was wasted.

That is all,

Newt

I'm a Bean Bag

Well, we spent Thursday and Friday in Lubbock for the 4th with the little Addition. We got to Lubbock Thursday afternoon and I was able to spend almost 2 days with my baby. Lets just say that I don't think there is a more perfect baby out there right now. She is doing so good with making noises and pushing off with her legs.

The proud parents thought they were going to throw me for a loop by letting me change diapers but I handled it like a pro. I also became a good place to rest the baby for her nap.

We had a great time and took Addie to the street fair to allow her to get her pores clogged with sausage on a stick, roasted corn, and crappy music.

While we were there, Dan and Jeremy came over for dinner and the six of us sat out on the back porch drank beer and wine and visited for what was one of the best nights I have spent with friends in a long time.

One little issue with the entire night was the end. After spending some time on 4 bottles of beer, half a bottle(or more probably) of a bottle of wine, and another glass of wine that Dan gave me, I was pretty drunk. We had a delicious dinner of jalapeno and chicken and finished it off with a tasty Jello and shortbread dessert that looked like a Japanese version of the American flag.

Note to self, Do Not Get Drunk and Eat Jello. I awoke at 4 a.m. to the knowledge that I was going to need to puke. I had to use the bathroom closest to Addie's room so I tried to do something that I don't think is possible...Puke Quietly.

I am pretty sure I saw a few of the Blueberry States off the flag that night. The inside of the toilet looked like something that would be thrown out to attract sharks. Also, vomit is really hard to control. I did my best and Addie didn't wake up so I guess I did a decent job.

That is all,

Newt