Finger Lickin' Bad

My butt hole was violated yesterday. I saved this part of my physical for an entire post because I couldn't really discuss it earlier. I had a physical that was very...invasive yesterday and I am very distressed. Prepare for Too Much Information.

I apparently have hemorrhoids. It wasn't surprising as it runs in my family but to find out, I gave up my anal virginity in a way that wasn't pleasant and no, I didn't get dinner first.

I am unsure how many of you have ever heard a 5o something man say "Bend over the table" and then have your butt cheeks pulled apart but it is not a nice feeling. Especially when it is followed by a KY covered finger sliding up your bung hole and hearing "This is a standard rectal exam."

The oddest thing was the urge to clench. I expected this to be uncomfortable, which it was, but I didn't expect the body to fight it. As soon as the finger went in, my sphincter acted like a chinese finger trap. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't help trying to pinch off the docs finger.

After it was all done, he handed me a box of tissue and said, "This is for the excess jelly." He might as well have added, "Whore" to it because it felt a little like I was just used. And getting KY out of my crack in front of my doctor was a humiliating experience in itself. Imagine having to stand and wipe your ass in front of a complete stranger and you will feel my pain.

In the end, pun intended, the whole thing was more uncomfortable than painful. It was like having sex with an ugly girl. It wasn't bad, but that does not mean it was good.

That is all,

Newt

Doctor, Doctor, Give me the news...

Well, I had an awkward day. I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 years for a checkup to see if I was in good health. I was pretty sure what to expect and was right.

Have you ever had a 50 something man tell you to undress down to your underwear? How about having a 50 something man grab your crotch? No, this wasn't my family reunion and it definitely wasn't a job interview, I learned my lesson on that last one. No, it was my doctor and was one of the more uncomfortable situations in life.

As I stood there in my boxers, yes I did wear nicer ones because I knew what I was going to be doing this afternoon, I was hit with the realization that this is a normal deal. This is what people have to do when they get older. I am doing an adult thing.

I am not a fan of going to the doctor but what do you do? I have been paying for insurance for 2 years and haven't used it, and with my diet and trying to get in shape, I figured now was the time. There is another story that in itself is another blog, so read later. I gave blood, peed in a cup, and had a physical. Wait, maybe this was an interview...

That is all,

Newt

The Penis Mightier than the Sword

I had to stop at a Dairy Queen today to pee and noticed that on the stall next to the urinal, someone had scratched "Penis" into the stall wall. This has been a constant in the entirety of my life. I have pooped in the Midland Sears and there has been a "Penis" there; I have peed at gas stations all across the globe and found that "Dick", "Penis" and "F#(&" are prevalent in a majority of restrooms.

What is this ever growing need to carve these words into stalls? I have never done it but it seems that I am in the minority. Is there just an epiphany moment where a guy is standing or sitting there and thinks, "I know, I bet nobody ever thought of this. I will get my pen/keys/pocket knife out and carve a dirty word into this stall." Real original.

Do girls do this? Do they sit in the stalls and go "Vagina really needs to be carved into the side this toilet paper holder."? It is ridiculous. Not only is it vandalism, it is unnecessary and half the time people can't even spell correctly.

Penis, Penis, Penis. There. I have written it on my blog for anyone who happens to stop here. People really need to respect other peoples property and leave things alone. You wouldn't like it if I carved something into your bathroom door. Idiots.

That is all,

Newt

Rules of Enragement

Well, my friend and co-worker, LeAnn, just got Rock Band and I have spent the last 3 hours singing, drumming and rocking out on the guitar. We formed a band which shares the title of this blog and when I left we had just gained a tour bus and have over 5000 fans.

Being a fan of Guitar Hero, there wasn't much of a surprise that I love this game. The idea that video games have grown so far that we now have a fake band and don't have to have any skill to be successful in our endeavor is inspiring.

I was pretty excited when we started playing and by the end I was exhausted. I can't wait to get a chance to get the band together again so we can get through Paris, Rome, and Berlin. We peeked at the new songs that are ahead to there are some doosies. Oh the excitement.

That is all,

Newt

St. Practical Joke Day

A lot of people are celebrating St. Patrick's Day today and I challenged a friend of mine who loves the holiday to tell me what the holiday is about. She couldn't at first but we slowly worked to the "right" answer. We celebrate St. Patrick's Day because St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

This, however, isn't true. It's complete bull. St. Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland. Snakes have never been present on the Emerald Isle. So, some people believe that they are out drinking green beer because a Saint somehow drove imaginary snakes out of Ireland. I love this. If you were to celebrate its intended meaning, St. Patrick's Day is a traditional day for spiritual renewal and offering prayers for missionaries worldwide.

I want to play a practical joke that turns into a holiday. Maybe I can have "Pull My finger Day." It's an oldie but a goodie, and if I could claim it for my own then it would be doubly impressive. St. Patrick's Day has entered the realm of Valentine's Day and Christmas as being so commercially driven that t looses its intended meaning and becomes useless.

That is all,

Newt

Clap On, Clap Off...Slap her.

I had a random thought today. What would happen if you hooked a Clapper light devise into a light in the room you are having sex in?


Depending on the sexual position when you are having sex, body parts occasionally slap together. A leg will hit another leg, thigh will meet thigh, and hands will meet buttocks. If you were to have a Clapper hooked in, would your next sexual experience seem similar to Disco Night at the local Y?


I can only imagine what that would look like. You are getting your groove on in bed when suddenly you start going at it a little too hard and one "Who's your Daddy?" later, you are sitting in a bright room staring at your handprint. If you really got going, you might create a light show for the neighbors who are walking their dog outside.


One handy little device can really add some interesting experiences to the bedroom. Just be sure your partner isn't epileptic or you might have more than just an orgasm to deal with at the end of things.


That is all,

Newt

Truth be told...

Are you a good person? There has been recent controversy over that new show 'The Moment of Truth' on Fox. The show takes a person and submits them to a lie detector. If you lie, you loose everything and half a million dollars is on the line. As you are asked questions, the amounts go up. More money equals harder questions.

The hype was due to a woman that was on whose answers revealed her to have slept with someone other than her husband during her marriage, said she has taken her wedding ring off to appear single, believes she isn't supposed to be married to her husband, and blames her husband for her lack of close friends. The kicker here is she lost the game when she was asked if she thought she was a good person and answered "Yes" but it was detected as a lie.

I love the irony that she lost on such a seemingly simple question...or is it? Have you ever really sat down and thought about if you were a good person or not? At first, I would have said an easy yes, but then I started making the mental good/bad list. This is when the grey areas started to pop up.

What would happen to you if you were put under a lie detector and asked that question? Would you answer quickly? Would you doubt your answer? I think I might.

I haven't killed anyone, don't steal...anymore, haven't cheated, and don't have much ill will towards people. But, then again, I am no saint. I hide stupid purchases from my wife, I can be manipulative and selfish, I don't do much for charity and I have a mean streak that bares its ugly head when I get angry. I think that if anyone looks into themselves they will find certain things they don't like about themselves. The main thing is to never be delusional about who you are.

Going back to the lady on the show, she said she thought she was a good person but her body said otherwise. Did she try to rationalize her answer and it got her in trouble? Maybe, but at the end of the show she had alienated her parents, ruined her marriage and got judged on television...and she still thought she was a good person. Even I am not that naive.

That is all,

Newt

4 More Years

It may not surprise anyone, but being Newt the Wonder Frog means loving things that have to do with leaping. I plan on buying my kid a Leapster, my favorite game is Leap Frog, and I always look before I leap. Yesterday was a day right in my pond because it was a Leap Day.

To celebrate the elusive day that hasn't occurred since 2004 I started a new tradition that I will try to remember to that I started when 2012 rolls around, the Annual Leap Year Party. We celebrated last night with other Leap Year fiends by getting our drink on, snacking on some tasty grub, and ended the night with some Karaoke and a little Guitar Hero. I am surprisingly coordinated on the Guitar when I am inebriated.

I went so far as to purchase the letters you can get to build your own banners. We had 'February 29th' and '4 More Years' up on the walls. I love when I have parties at the house because it means I don't need a designated driver. However the wife, the dogs and anyone who sticks around after my 5th drink and a shot of SoCo probably isn't as appreciative of that perk.

Update I got an update from Diana on what I had missed at the party. Apparently, sex was had in our downstairs bathroom during the party and we had one girl throw up in the same bathroom. Kinda gross but, hey, it's a party. It's times like these I wished I had a better grasp on reality during the party.

Happy Leap Year Everybody.

That is all,

Newt

It's a small world...

Yesterday, something very strange happened to me that gave me the heebee jeebees. Diana and I went to the local mall here in Lewisville to do some light shopping and let my lovely wife cash in on a free pair of underwear from Victoria Secret. As milady was trying on some garments in the Gap, I looked up and saw....Dun dun dun...my first girlfriend Nicole.

I dated Nicole right around the age of 16 and we lasted about 4-6 months. I haven't seen her since my first year in college and she looks pretty much the same. She had on a grey polo shirt, jeans, and her frizzy/curly/mangy hair in a pony tail. Talk about hot (this is sarcasm. I only state that because my wife might cut me off if I don't make this blatantly obvious). I immediately made sure she didn't see me and took off towards the men's section of said Gap. When I could, I made a break for the door and went and sat on a bench in view of the store to make sure I could see when she left. I even called Thomas so I was on the phone in case she were to see me.

The rest of the mall visit was spent dodging her. She turned up again in Macy's and I came within feet of crossing paths with her in front of a Great American Cookie. I even faked a 'oh, could it be, what are you doing here' look when I thought she had spotted me. Thank God she didn't.

I was incredibly awkward and when Diana asked me to explain why, I couldn't give a firm reason. Could it be that I had seen some of her naughty bits? Possibly. Is it because I would have to introduce my wife to an ex? Maybe. Or could it be that I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of the whole situation? Yes, that's it. I didn't want to be faced with the 'should we hug' or the 'what are you doing here' and I definitely didn't want the 'we should hang out some time' (shudder) that constantly manifests when these instances happen.

The past should be left alone and yesterday I almost pulled a Doc Brown and went back to a place that should be left buried.

That is all,

Newt

Left, Right, Pass

Well, I'm that guy. I didn't think I would be but I found out something about myself that I didn't know... I fart while working out. Not just a slight whisper poooot, no I let real farts as I am going at it on an elliptical. I feel a slight bubble about to burst and I look at the timer on my machine and there is no way I am holding that air biscuit for half an hour.

While I am not sure if I am the first, I did come up with a system for letting these out. Not your ordinary cough/fart or your sneeze/toot. Instead, I take a look left, a look right and if I get have the all clear, the pass.

I have posted before about the beauty of my gym having TVs on all of the machines. As such, most people wear ear phones when they work out. So I look left; check, the girl in the yellow running shirt has plugs, I check right; dude who does backwards motion training is tapped, and Pass.

However, the smell I can't do anything about.

That is all,

Newt

I am Idolized

I did it. I didn't mean to do it but this year I just couldn't help myself. If anyone is to blame, its Diana. She wasn't home enough and I got lonely. I mean, what else was I supposed to do, just ignore it? It wasn't my fault. I just turned on the TV and there it was: American Idol.

It always starts with just a few minutes. "Oh, I'll only watch the first half hour to see the losers. They are so funny because they can't sing." Then you see that first sob story that somehow tugs at your heart; some kid living in his car to pursue his dream. I mean, what are you, heartless?

So I guess its official. I am watching AI this year. I'm not proud of it. I bring it up at lunch and no one else has any idea what I am talking about. Sure, I laugh it off like I just happened to turn it on, but I am sitting here watching it now and typing.

At least this year Randy Jackson is trying to stop using the word "Dawg" and "Yo". He has, unfortunately, replaced it with "Baby".

That is all,

Newt, Out

Here in my Car...

It is a momentous day. Below is a picture of me with the final, let me try that again, THE FINAL payment on my truck.

This is a huge event for me. I have owned a truck before, or more specifically my father owned my truck, but this check signifies that I have experienced a rite of passage that every person should experience. I have purchased my first car all by myself.


That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Bone Wild

After Christmas I bought one of those gigantic rawhide bones that I found on sale and waited until I needed a good laugh. Below is my idea of what happened.

Duncan: Hazel, I think I must be dreaming. Either my overweight little body has caused a heart attack or my fantasy has just become reality.
Hazel: Well if you're dreaming, I hope you don't wake up. If I am not mistaken, Dad just brought in a bone that is bigger than you.
D: Is that even possible? Can we really eat our weight in rawhide?
H: Hellz yes!!! I am going to munch on that baby like a Ankylosaurus on a field of grass.
D: I am not really sure what that means.
H: Sorry, there was a special on Discovery last night and Pops left the TV on.
D: You really need to get out more. Use the dog door once in a while. You are going stir crazy and I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Stop talking like you are from the street.
H: I did time. These people sprung me from the joint but I was living in Cell block C until Pops paid my bail.
D: That was an adoption you idiot. And you were in the shelter.
H: Quit trying to distract me. Here comes that bone.
D: My mouth is watering.
H: Well don't be getting any ideas, that shit is mine.
D: I am pretty sure we are supposed to share that.
H: That's what you think. It's mine!!!



The bone lasted three days and Hazel ate 85% of it. I wasn't sure she had it in her. And yes, I am aware that my voice sounds like a country bumpkin.

That is all,

Newt

Things I should have knows - Radio

Have you ever encountered something out in the world that is a blatantly obvious fact but for some reason you never really gave it any thought, but now that you have you suddenly realize that you never knew the fact to begin with but should have? This will occasionally happen to me and it did a few days ago.

I was driving in the car when for some reason the two wires in my brain that connect reason with common sense connected and I realized: "There are no even numbers on radio frequencies after the decimal". By this I mean that there isn't an 88.8 FM or a 550.2 AM. All call numbers on any frequency are followed by an odd number.

I don't really know what made me think of this but once I did I felt extremely stupid. Of course all of the numbers are followed in odds. Why didn't this ever occur to me before? I'm 25 and just discovered a well known fact about radio frequencies. I am an idiot for not seeing it sooner.

The proof was always out there for me to see. I have looked at too many bumper stickers touting "La Musica 195.3" or "93.3 The Bone Rocks Harder" to not have seen this. I think these instances are the universes way of saying, "Hey Stupid, You are getting way to cocky and to show you you're not so special here's something you should know."

That is all,

Newt

I don't wanna grow up...

Well, I had a great time while in New York and one of the neater things I got to do was go to the Toys R Us in Times Square. This store was amazing. Three stories of Legos, Video Games and Actions figures. It even had a life size Barbie Dream house. Here are the highlights.

One amazing thing about the Toys R Us Times Square was the Lego Center. I grew up on the amazing multicolored building blocks and when I walked in and saw a Fantastic Four Thing and Wolverine built entirely out of Legos, well I must say I was impressed. They also had a Yankees Helmet, the Chrysler and Empire State Buildings, a boy and his dog and Captain Jack Sparrow all built out of Legos. It was spectacular.

Next was the Action Figures. The selection was massively impressive. I am a connoisseur of these 6 in. marvels so when I walked in and saw a huge Spider-man hanging over a wall of Transformers I was quite pleased. They had sections dedicated to Star Wars, Transformers, and Power Rangers which I guess I assumed were not that popular.

One of the more classic scenes was the candy store. When I say store, it was more like a land of candy. Or more specifically, a Candy Land. I say this because the entire cast of Candy Land was positioned all throughout the area. Mr. Mint welcomes you to the candy land and as you go through you see all of your favorites. Gloopy the Chocolate Clump is over the Chocolate section, Plumpy the Green Guy welcomes you to the Sugar Free Section, and if you need a bag to put candy in, well just grab one from the tail end of a Gingerbread Play piece.

The most impressive display of child hood shenanigans is the fact that there was a working Ferris Wheel in the store that kids and adults can ride. I didn't get on it but the cars were themed with different toys.

Strangely enough, there was a Jurassic Park Section. I assume they built this when the movie came out because there were no actual Jurassic Park toys. There was, however, a giant T-Rex that moved(see video). Please ignore my awful video skills.

This visit was an amazing experience for the kid in me. Up until now, I didn't know what a toy store could be. Now I know what they mean when they say, "I Don't Wanna Grow Up."

That is all,

Newt

In a New York Minute

Well, I had a world wind tour of New York last week and have had to wait this week until I was able to get the pictures. Now that I have them, here is a fun little tidbit of my trip. I got to see a taping of David Letterman.

I was just walking by the famous Ed Sullivan Theatre when I noticed a sign that said, "Free Tickets". I had wanted to see a taping while in NYC but forgot to look for tickets. I walked in and signed up for the lottery they hold and a couple of hours later, I had a ticket for Thursdays taping. The guests were Julia Louis Dreyfus, T.J. Miller from Cloverfield, and a band called Super Furry Animals.

It was a long process just to get in the seat. It started with a line to get my ticket, followed by an hour wait to get in line at a building across the street. We stood in line for an hour as a guy from the show tried to make us understand that no matter what, we should laugh at any joke we hear. He even said, "You may chuckle at home but this is television. Any joke you hear, laugh like it is the funniest fucking joke you have ever heard." He then proceeded to make us practice laughing.

We filtered into the show about 15 minutes before it started taping and Letterman came out to take questions. A younger guy asked Dave where he would go to break a 15 year pizza hiatus that he was on. Dave was so shocked that he had a couple of pizzas delivered during the show.

It was an interesting experience to see a taping. It only took an hour to tape the show and during the "commercial breaks" the band played music for us. That's why the band is always playing when the show comes back from commercial. I thought I might be on the show from a audience scan but it didn't happen. I guess I will have to be discovered some other way.

It was a big highlight from my trip.

That is all,

Newt

I feel like a teenager again

Well, some random occurrences have been happening to me over the last couple of days that makes me feel like I was in high school again. I have reverted back to a social state that was very prevalent during my Sophomore to Senior years in school. I have been dealing with...Comic Overload!!!

I use to work at a comic book shop in Midland, and as such took home a crap load of random comics at ridiculously low cost(most of it was trade for work and the owner didn't have a good understanding of a payment process). I have been randomly finding great deals on comic books this week that is giving me flashbacks.

First it was a great week of trade at my local comic shop from working, then an awesome online deal followed by a moving sale at another comic shop that I just happened to stop at. Even today I found some cheap issues when I wasn't even looking for them.

I need my wife to come home, and she is today, because I am on a tear. I need detox or something. The worst part is that, like any of us, you just can't pass up such a great deal.

I need help,

Newt

Brando, I''m Not

So, I am about to become a godfather to my niece, Addison, when she is born. This is a surprisingly important thing to be bestowed upon a schmuck like me and I plan to take it seriously. Of course, there will be the bad Brando impressions but I am also pretty excited about it. Below is a definition of my new title.

god·fa·ther /Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[god-fah-ther]
–noun
1. a man who serves as sponsor for a child at baptism. (This means I get to be a spiritual guide. I am going to have to read the Bible or that poor girl is going to be so confused)
2. any male sponsor or guardian. (I am definitely a male, I bought a magazine subscription for a hospital once so I guess I sponsored the magazine, and I will put a pony's head in any twerps bunk bed who messes with my little Addition)
3. (often initial capital letter) a powerful leader, esp. of the Mafia. (I am the self proclaimed leader of the nerds so I guess I am a leader)
4. a person who is regarded as the originator or principal shaper of a movement, school of thought, art form, industry, or the like: the godfather of abstract expressionism. –verb (used with object) (I had a movement this morning so this one is checked off)
5. to act as godfather to; be sponsor or protector for. (See number 2.)

Well, it looks like I am on track to be the best Godfather that money can buy...and I am not even charging for my services. I really need to learn how to make Cannoli.

That is all,

Newt

In Deep Doo Doo

You know what I think is one of the scariest instances that commonly occurs? Not scary in the sense of danger or death, just a creepy feeling that can overtake you. It's that 5 seconds between flushing and that gulping sound the toilet makes when you make a courtesy flush.

I thought of this today on an alarmingly massive grunt I was making. These occasionally happen and when they do, I usually flush about half way through to avoid creating a mountain in my bowl. But, every time I do one of these there is a 5 second haunting that occurs because my mind automatically wonders, "Will the toilet clog"?

Think about it. What would you do? Imagine if you will:
You are sitting on the toilet crapping and notice that maybe it is time for a flush to reboot the toilet. You reach back, hit the switch and instead of that reassuring 'Floosh' you look down and see brown water rising. What do you do, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I don't know. I am blessed that this has never happened to me. You are pretty much screwed no matter what happens.

Situation A: you stand up without wiping, try to get your pants up, and find a plunger before the poop volcano overflows. If all of that is successful, you still have to try to plunge the mess before it overflows, and as we have all experienced, plunging a toilet isn't the easiest thing to do. And it's definitely not the cleanest.

Situation B: You don't look down in time and your private area takes a brown bath. The gravy starts overflowing from between the seat and bowl and your clothes get a new kind of rinse. You panic, stand up and start traipsing through the muck trying to find the plunger. The rest is pretty much the same as Situation A.

Either way, this is gross.

That is all,

Newt

Cloverfield

What the hell does the title of the new movie 'Cloverfield' mean? It is the exit J.J. Abrams takes when he goes into the office. This flick is a hell of a ride. I am writing this right after I went to see the movie tonight.

I loved the premise of this movie and from beginning to end I was on the edge of my seat. The action is perfect, the suspense is amazing, and the bouts of fright are just enough to make you want more. Here is the trailer if you have been living under a rock.

The premise is pretty widely known so I don't think I am going to be giving anything away by revealing that. Pretty much, a giant monster comes out of the NY harbor and begins attacking the city. The entire thing is told through the eyes of a handheld video camera that is found after the attack.

There is a going away party for one of the main characters and when the monster attacks we get a POV video that is intense and left me satisfied. I will say that some people at the end didn't seem to happy with the way the film ended. Screw them though because it was magnificent. Oh, and the monster does not disappoint and could easily beat the shit out of Godzilla and Mothra and they ain't no pushovers.

Go see this. If you were able to watch 'The Blair Witch Project' then you will probably be fine. I can't recommend this enough. I will probably go see it again and I don't usually take in second viewings of movies.

That is all,

Newt

Giggle-Toot

I was just bothering Diana by smacking my gum when she asked me to quit and it made me start to laugh. As soon as I did, I let the slightest toot that made me laugh even harder. I like to call this phenomenon a Giggle-Toot.

I think everyone has been afflicted with this. I know Diana has. Funny story...I don't remember why but Diana started laughing, this was years ago, and when she did she had a Giggle-Toot. Well, she thought that the GT was so funny that it made her laugh harder which caused an even longer GT that may or may not have been classified as a Giggle-Fart. Well, the GF? made her laugh even harder and well, I think you can see where this went. By the end of her fourth GT she had me laughing so hard that I cried.

I think that if there is a God then He/She/It has to have a sense of humor because anything that can make humanity laugh with a little air coming from the gluteous maximus has to have a funny bone.

That is all,

Toot, er I mean Newt

The Terrifying case of the Gnome-Goblin

Last night Diana and I stumbled across a terrifying scene. I went to turn my bed lamp on and it wouldn't light. I checked the plug and the power before realizing that the light bulb had been almost completely unscrewed from the socket. I knew it could only be one culprit...The Gnome-Goblin.

I told my lady that we had been hit by this nefarious imp. Lo and behold, Diana didn't know of the Gnome-Goblin. Thus I had to tell her it's story.

For those of you who don't know, a Gnome-Goblin is a magical creature of mischief. A byproduct of a gnome and a goblin, these creatures mixed the goodness of a gnome with the evil of a goblin and created a problem creature. While not evil, Gnome-Goblins are always causing trouble. Their favorite prank...unscrewing light bulbs.

Diana was surprised to hear of this creature. Her main concern was preventing the problem from happening again. Naturally, I told her how the easiest way to stop a Gnome-Goblin was to sprinkle lemon juice all around the house. She didn't seem to understand why this would deter the felon from attacking again.

You see, Gnome-Goblins are vain. They have very delicate teeth with extremely sensitive enamel. If lemon juice gets on their teeth, the enamel rots off and their teeth fall out instantly. This leaves them scared for life and they are wary of anything with a high acidic level. Thus, lemon juice scares the daylights out of them.

My wife then asked if we could just spray lemon Pledge in which I could only reply, "Diana, now you are just being ridiculous."

That is all,

Newt

Television: the new exercise equipment

Well, I hit a wall today at the gym. I have successfully gone to the gym 5 of the last 7 days and have spent 30 minutes on the gym each day. I have accomplished this miracle due to the fact that there is a little TV on every machine and I can watch a half hour and forget that my fat butt is really sweating and thrusting my legs forward at an alarming rate.

So today I went in and, because Monday is one of the busiest days to work out, every machine with a TV was taken. So I found an open elliptical and started my workout. I made it 5 minutes. It wasn't that I was tired, it was that I was to worried about the time. I was bored. I had to stop and wait for a machine to open up.

I went and worked on some arm strengthening to kill time. I finally found an open TV and even then I only made it 15 minutes. In my defence, the last guy that was on there didn't wipe the machine down and it looked like he had peed all over it. It had an aroma of B.O. that I just couldn't stand. Well, that's my gym rant. This is what happens when I actually try to work out.

That is all,

Newt

Bombay Dreams

I had a sobering experience yesterday. The retail outlet Bombay is closing its doors and their corporate headquarters is in Ft. Worth. All of the retail stores have been having Going out of Business sales and yesterday we heard that the corporate offices were selling all of their office furniture. So we went to the offices to look around.

I don't know if anyone has ever stolen from a dying man but we walked around two floors of offices where people were still working and a guy was trying to sell us desks that people were still using. It was eerie. The workers seemed cool about it though. There was an air of decay in the building. Everything, and I do mean everything had price tags on it. Cubicles, vases, copiers, hell even the microwave had a tag.

We found some interesting things. Half of the offices had desks from the stores in them so every office looked like something out of a 1940's cabana. It was very overdone.

Today, I went to the floor model sale because we are trying to furnish our front reception area. The amount of fine furnishings at ridiculous prices was astounding. I got a pants caddie.

That is all,

Newt

My name is GYM

Well, I am officially a member of a GYM!?! I decided a few weeks ago that it is probably time to do something about my weight. I look at fat people and think, "How did they let themselves get so big?" and then dig back in to my Whataburger bag.

I know that I am over the weight I need to be at so I joined a gym near our house. I went today for the first time and took advantage of one of the selling points of the gym. They have personal TVs on all of their elliptical and treadmills. I was able to do 30 minutes on an elliptical which is the longest I have every stayed on one of those Iron Maidens.

I plan on sticking with this for a while to get back down to my sexy weight of 195-200. Mainly, I just want my body to stop looking like I ate a box of Lime Jello. I even went and bought workout shorts. Their silver.

That is all,

Newt

Stupid Multiplication

Well, I just read that Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. Sister to Britney, Jaime is 16 and has been with the father for a while. He was described as "long time boyfriend." At 16, what is considered long time?

This news is scary because it seems that stupid people are multiplying at an alarming rate. I am not trying to insult people who get pregnant at a young age. I don't think it is the smartest thing to do because accidents happen. I do not, however, think it is a good idea.

There is a movie called Idiocity in which the human race gets populated with stupid people because they kept reproducing with other stupid people, while the smart people paired up and waited loner and longer to have children. It lead to people watching TV shows about getting kicked in the nuts and having a pro wrestler be President.

I know we make leaps and bounds in the medical and technological communities on a daily basis but I see how we could end up in that area. Punctuation has gone the way of the dodo, the word like is put into every sentence, and the Wayan's Brothers have a career. That in itself is proof that we are faltering.

On a daily basis, I get at least two emails that aren't capitalized which drives me crazy. Music is littered with thur's(there) and fashizees. What the hell does that even mean? I just don't want to see the world become that movie and it could. Scary.

That is all,

Newt

I have been violated

I know I was complaining about my lights a few days ago but yesterday morning I discovered something disturbing. Some snot nosed little punk ran up to my front door and cut both of extension cords to the Christmas lights.

So, either I have pissed off my neighbor or the fact that the lights were crooked aggravated an escaped psychotic patient with OCD and caused him to cut my cords to prevent them from being seen. I went back up today and fixed the cord issues and now none of my cords run outside where "the Snipper" can't get to them.

What kind of person is so demented that they think it is ok to do this. How is this funny in any way? A practical joke is one thing but this is just vandalism. It did make me want to send an apology to my old neighbor whose window I broke and ran off without ever telling him. Sorry Curtis.

That is all,

Newt

Lights, Camera, Traction

Well, as most of you know, Christmas is around the corner. This means presents and candy and for the first time in my life, putting lights on the house. For those of you who haven't seen my humble abode, this means I am putting my life at risk.

Our house isn't large but we do have two stories. I have never walked on my roof before but my wife wanted lights on the house and I aim to please. I began stringing lights on the roof three weeks ago and ran out with only half of the house done. A couple of days later, I found more of the same lights and got back on it.

After plugging the lights in, low and behold, there were pieces out. So up I go again to fix the lights. My OCD kicked in when I noticed that the lights weren't all standing straight up. So up I go again to straighten them out. Next, I ran out of those little clippy things that you use to attach lights to your house. Well, so did half of Dallas, Texas because I spent three hours driving around looking for more.

Finally I find more but the weather has been bad. I have been trying to get up on the roof for a week and on Saturday I grabbed my ladder and fixed the perimiter of mi casa. Still, it looks like crap. I still have lights all over my house that looks like redneck teeth.

So again, I climb up last night in the chilly drizzle and I'll be damned if the lights I fixed last week hadn't gone out again. So I spent thirty minutes trying to straighten and fix my lights.

Needless to say, they still aren't fixed. This is why Christmas can suck so bad.

That is all,

Newt

Spelling Follies - Part duh

Well, the Spellin' Felon has struck again. This was found at the same school a couple of weeks ago and I am just getting around to posting about it. It seems that Marshall Durham Middle School has a prankster in their midst. I am not sure what class Scince is but I know it wasn't part of the curriculum back when I was in 6th Grade.

Somehow I doubt this will be the last spelling error I will find.

That is all,

Newt

Guitar Hero - Stage 1

Well, a couple of weeks ago I bought Guitar Hero III and I have put in quite a bit of time in on the game. Well, today I have beaten the Easy setting of Guitar Hero III. That's right, calm down everyone. I know how excited you must all be to hear this news but this is not the end. There are still three levels to go.

What does beating the easy stage mean. It means I played 42 pulse pounding songs, slamming down the red, green and blue keys to some awesome rock songs. The end is a battle with the Devil himself and guess what song I had to beat him with? Anybody? That's right, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". He was hard competition but in the end I spanked him.

I plan on strumming up to the next level soon but my fingers need a rest. After unlocking all those songs, I am going to need a few days off.

Rock on,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Sweet Fang

Imagine...

Duncan and Hazel are sitting around the house. Hazel, in her infinite curiosity starts investigating the Target bag sitting on the fireplace.


H: Duncan, guess what?
D: What? Hazel, you know you shouldn't be messing around in that bag.
H: Damn D, you have got to lighten up. There is some tasty treats in here.
D: Hazel. You know your ass is going to get busted and I will probably get blamed.
H: Yeah, but it will totally be worth it.


Duncan and Hazel proceed to tear open an entire bag of Hershey's Candy Cane Kisses.


D: Should we be eating these?
H: I don't see why not.
D: I don't know, isnt this stuff bad for us?
H: I don't know, and I don't care. Check this out, I am wired.
D: Quit running around. Stop biting me. Calm Down Dammit!!!
H: I can't. Whooo hooo!!!!!!!


Diana came home to find the entire bag gone. Foil wrappers littered the floor. Asses were made pink and doggie doo turned white.


That is all,


Newt

Shot Down

A couple of days ago, a woman in my office brought me something that I felt the need to share with my readers. There is a new thing in the world for all of those people who feel like a cup of coffee just isn't a fast enough way to get their morning jolt of caffeine. A company called Whitewave has created a company called Stok.

Stok is a coffee creamer that contains the equivalent of one shot espresso and has a warning limit of two shots a day. So, by adding this creamer to your normal coffee cup, you too can act like Richard Simmons after a Bedazzling class. Now, I don't drink coffee very often so when this came along so I felt like I would be the perfect baseline.

Now, I had a misconception about this product that I didn't find out is false until after I consumed this. When it says a shot, it is meant to be poured in your coffee and not treated like tequila at a sorority party. I didn't realize that and had quite a flavor shock.

This is not recommended.

That is all,

Newt

Ribbed, for my pleasure

Well, guess who's back. Back Again. McRib's Back. Tell a friend. No this isn't the newest Eminem hit. That damn sandwich the McRib is back on another Farewell tour, Number 3 to be precise, and I for one am getting pretty tired of it.

Firstly, I have never eaten one because the idea of rib meat from McDonald's doesn't sound very appealing. Plus, I am getting very tired of this marketing campaign that is pretending it's going away. I really thought it was and wasn't to happy when it showed up again last year. Secondly, I can already see what will happen next. There will be a reunion tour for the dumb thing and it will all start over again.

But, being the well rounded journalist (finger quotes) that I am, I went and sampled the Goliath that I wish slain. My lady love an I voyaged to McDonald's last week so I could finally say that I successfully digested one of these things.

Dammit! It tastes good. Who the hell saw that coming. The barbecue sauce was smokey, the pickles sweet, the rib meat edible. I am still not convinced that the rib meat wasn't just shredded pork but who cares? I enjoyed it. GOD WHY?

I'm not saying I will eat one again but I am now in an uncomfortable position. Can I go on hating something that I don't really hate even though I feel I should hate it? Is it acceptable for me to continue loathing the existence of a sandwich that actually has a riby goodness to it? I don't know who I am anymore.

That is all,

Newt

We Don't Need No Education

We stumbled accross proof yesterday that the public skool system is working in full swing. Diana and I we're driving along near our house and went buy one of the local schools.

I was staring out the window when I looked and noticed the sign out front looked incorrect. We turned around and went back to the skool so I could snap a picture of what we saw.

I am not sure who was responsible for the spelling errors on the Marshall Durham Middle School sign but I will say that as a hole, this is completely unacceptable. Not only does it show that the skool system is failing in Lewisville, but it also insults veterans.

I was shocked when I saw the sign and the irony in it is just amazing. Are we really living in a society that would tolerate this? I think that if I were a parent and was that the school my child attends had that sign outside, I would march into the Principals office and ask them what kind of facility they were running. It may be a kids idea of a prank but for it to be there on a Saturday shows a complete disregard for education.

I was a product of the Midland public skool system and I turned out O.K. so I can only hope this is an isolated incodent.

That is all,

Newt

Ophidiophobia - Now for the Holidays

Well, Halloween has come and gone we got a very scary Halloween Fright on Wednesday. While passing out candy to a cute little boy dressed like a shark, we had a snake climb across our door step. You read right, as I sit here typing this I shudder at the thought. A huge snake with big fangs and vicious eyes* popped up as the little kid was standing there. His mother pulled him away and we backed up. They left but the python decided to come inside our house.

Diana was fairly spooked but I was like a 14 year old girl at a Hollister sale. I screamed and jumped and I might even have peed myself a little bit. DON'T JUDGE ME!!! I didn't know exactly how to respond but it was clear we had to get it out of the house. Diana held the dogs back while I ran outside and grabbed the dog's pooper scooper. It has a claw that I thought I could use to pick up the snake and throw it outside.

It actually went back under the door and we thought we were ok but it was like one of those inbred genes. You think it is gone but it shows up when you least expect it and it is never good to have around. That f-ing snake came right back in and then got stuck under the door.

I opened the door and let him out and was going to try to catch him but, little did I know, there is a hole in our brick right next to the front door and the snake climbed inside of it. I still don't know where it is. I never saw it come back out and I'm not sure that there isn't a way that it can't get back into the house. All I know is snakes crave heat in the winter and I haven't slept well since. I know if I were looking for warmth, I might shoot through the attic, come into the bedroom, and climb underneath some nice toasty sheets.

Halloween sucks,

Newt

*the snake was actually a small garden snake that was probably not poisonous.

Don't Take It Literally

Well, Diana and I are going through purchasing new furniture for our living room and during this process I got to do something that I never would have thought possible. I got to pull the rug out from under someone.

We went to one of those tent sales that sells rugs to look at portable flooring. You like what I did there? I made that up. Portable Flooring. Catchy. Anyway, while we were there, another couple was looking at rugs and found one a couple and asked the rug guys(who knew there were rug guys?) to pull both rugs out from two huge piles. After a few minutes the girl asks the rug guys to hold the rugs so she can go to another store and shop around.

The guy told her that he could only hold it if she paid, which was not going to happen. Lets just say that the guy was not happy with what happened. So we just happened to be looking for a rug and wouldn't you know it, we really liked the one the girl had picked. We bought it and thus, we pulled the rug out from someone.

My next goal is to find someone with a woolen hood on so I can yank it down, followed by dove hunting with a rock, but just one.

That is all,

Newt

It's Magically Delicious

It was revealed over the weekend that the Harry Potter character, Albus Dumbledore was Gay. This revelation came as something of a shock to me until the supporting evidence was given. Now, not only do I see it but I am very excited by this turn of events.

This does lead down a few roads that will definitely cause issues.

1. There will be an outcry from the Christians and Family Rights organizations. Somehow this means that every kid who reads any of the Harry Potter series will automatically become a homosexual.

2. This will be another bullet in the arsenal of things that make Harry Potter the devil.

3. There will now be an outcry that Albus Dumbledore is a pedophile. He was a closet homosexual who has secret passwords into his office that are always a type of candy, he surrounds himself with little kids, and he is constantly showing off his talents with his magic "wand".

All in all, the news was surprising but I think this can be a real advancement in Gay rights. For the last few years, there has been a Gay man heavily focused on throughout one of the most popular and well known children's literature series of all time. He is instantly recognizable to children and adults, he is familiar, and he is popular.

I must say, "Good Show, J.K. Rowlings". And way to go on adding another layer to an already incredible character. An entire generation of kids have now been exposed to an alternative lifestyle and have accepted a gay figure without prejudice. George Michael, eat your heart out.

That is all,

Newt

Have you met...Palmala?

So, Friday night Diana's company threw an end of year bash at the House of Blues and bought out the entire restaurant. They had food and drink, a live jazz band, prizes and a palm reader. I have always wanted my fortune told and I figured this was pretty close so Diana and I did a couples reading.

The reading began with my wife and I holding our palms face up to an attractive young lady who skimmed them with a small flashlight. She looked over both of us and through a series of glimpses, she was able to pick up most of our character traits. My ability to let things go, Diana's quick temper, the fact that I don't like to do things I'm not good at. She told Diana that she should understand that I won't just know to do stuff and that she shouldn't expect me to.

She was able to tell us a few things about our future as well. 2 kids, the first within 18 months and success in our careers were just a couple of things. She claimed that Diana would want to switch careers once we start having kids and I would stick with my career. That info was quite different than what we have planned.

The best part of the entire thing was the skepticism of my wife and her face as a perfect stranger was able to analyze her so well. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped many times throughout the reading. I don't think she expected to be so easily read. I know I didn't.

That is all,

Newt

I'ts Dripping Cold

I am typing this as a quarter of an inch of my fat gut freezes. Right before I logged in to this blog, I took a drink from a glass of water and three drops of water beaded off and hit my belly. I wasn't expecting it so, of course, it was so much colder than it should have been.

I hate condensation. It is the equivalent of ball sweat and it makes me just as uncomfortable. I don't really understand all of the science behind condensation but I will tell you this, every time I pick up a seemingly safe glass of water/tea and a little bead of sweat runs down and kamikaze dive bombs my chest, I just want to take a hair dryer and sadistically evaporate ever drop of water on the glass.

They make those plastic cups that you prevent condensation, but those are bulky and really limit the amount of liquid in one glass. Why should I have to suffer through the pearls of embarrassment that make me look like I am crying or lactating when I should be able to use any damn cup I want to drink out of? Who the hell do you think you are condensation? What gives you the right to urinate all over my shirt just because you get cold from the ice I put inside of you? Screw you!!!

At least with beer bottles I can smother your ass with a koozie. That always ruins your fun. But no, you can't keep your drops to yourself. You have to attack me just as I go to have a drink. And you even sneak a few in when I am drinking out of Styrofoam!!! Styrofoam? You are so wrong.

That is all,

Newt

Carpoolers and Heroes and House...Oh My

Well, I haven't written in a few days and the reason behind it is television has begun again. I have started my yearly tradition of watching two hours of television a day. This year I took on a few new shows.

Picking Daisies has turned into a real treat, Carpoolers is wildly entertaining, and The Big Bang Theory makes my Monday. Also, Bionic Woman has filled my Alias fix.

I have taken the plunge into a second season of Heroes. I love How I Met Your Mother, House, The Office, Earl and 30 Rock. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to know what my audience thinks of all the new shows on now.

By the way, Cavemen sucks.

That is all,

Newt

Sexual Healing?

I had a random thought that I feel the need to share. What if you had the power to heal people but to do it you had to have sex with them, would you use your power?

At first, this sounds great. You can cure disease and get freaky at the same time. However, it also poses a few ethical dilemmas. I am married and if this power manifested, I would be forced to cheat on my wife for the greater good. Would she allow that? Also, both sexes get sick which means you would have to swing both ways to fix people.

The more I thought about it, the more confused I got. Would you take your gift all over the world? If so, how do you pay for it. I did think you could "cure" rich people for money and then give your gift to the poor for free. Could you "cure" with protection on? How many babies would you produce and what would happen to them? Would you cure everyone or would you pick and choose. Would you only cure hot people?

If you have any thoughts, feel free.

That is all,

Newt

Fair Today, Hot Tomorrow

I gained 5 pounds yesterday. We went to see "The Lion King" off Broadway last night and it is being held at the Texas State Fair. Our tickets give us the option of going into the Fair for free but as I wasn't too thrilled about the experience last year, I opted for not going. We did arrive at the show with an hour to spare so Erin, Diana and I went to eat Fair Food.

I am not sure how many days of my life I lost by consuming this food but I can tell you that it was worth it. I think they mix magic in the fryers of the fair because it has to have something more than vegetable oil in it to make that food so delicious. In the course of an hour I ate

1) A spicy sausage on a stick
2) A corn on the cob (or butter on a stick with a little corn mixed in, I am not sure which)
3) Half a funnel cake
4) a Large Dr. Pepper that was way too sugary
5) and a couple of bites off of a corn dog that made me see God (or maybe that was just Big Tex. Does God wear a Cowboy Hat?)

None the less, I became fat and happy and it was cause for celebration. Though I couldn't actually celebrate because my fat ass was too heavy to move.

That is all,

Newt

Ode to Iced Tea

I can drink you morning, noon or night
You go with every meal
No coffee, soda, or juice will do
Craving tea leaves is what I feel

Lipton & Tetley make me salivate
Taste that tinge of brewed support
I even suffer through a Brisk
As a last resort

Oh tea leaf, don’t ever leave
I wouldn’t know what to do
Oh tea leaf, if you ever leave
My heart would break in two

Fin

Newt

The devil you say?

I had a random thought last night and ran it by my wife, but now I am going to pose it to you. I am hoping that we can turn this into a giant argument so be prepared that whatever stance is taken, I will immediately take the opposite.



The question I have is...


If a nun and a priest ever had a child would it be ultimately good or ultimately evil?


Be prepared to defend your position. Talk amongst yourselves.


That is all,


Newt

It don't matter if your Black or White

Well, now that I have started my new job, I will have stories. The first of many is that I met Black Trinity. Who is Black Trinity? Well, he is the African American version of me. Let me explain.

I was working at the comic book store when the owner, Jeremy, asked me to help this guy carry out some framed pieces of art that he bought. Myself and another worker carried the pieces out and I asked him where he was going to put them. I only asked because there were 6 pieces and they weren't small. He told me that he and his wife had just started renting a 2 bedroom house and when they got enough money, he was going to get his own room and put them up. Sound familiar?

Well, when I mentioned that I did just that he grilled me on how I set up my room. I described it and when I mentioned the giant "Attack of the 50 ft Woman" poster, his eyes lit up. He went on to describe how his wife surprised him on his birthday a few weeks ago with a Nick Fury Replica Gun. He had wanted it for a long time but didn't have the money to buy it. She bought it and surprised him. Are you getting freaked out yet?

Finally, the last piece of the puzzle on my doppelganger was found while meeting his wife. She collects shot glasses. Just like Diana. I am living in Bizarro World. I met Black Diana.

It is creepy to know that there are others out there that are just like me. Only they blend in better at a Revival Church.

That is all,

Newt

Everybodys working on the weekend

Well, I have finally hit a point in my comic book collecting where I had to make a decision. Either I cut back on comics or I get a second job. So, I got a second job...sort of. I started my part time position of 2 days a month as a comic book store employee at Titan Comics.

I started going to Titan about a year ago and I love the place. After Diana and I discussed my options on comic money, I decided to take a shot and see if they needed any help part time. Low and behold, they did. I am now working every other Saturday from 11:30 to 7. And, I get free lunch. Below is a pic of the store.

I worked my first shift on Saturday and had a blast. What did I do? I stocked comics, organized statue boxes, and filed comic books. Oh, and I had fun. I missed working in a comic book shop. I may never be able to turn my love of comics into a career but if I can further my comic book habit without breaking my bank, then I can be happy.

That is all,

Newt

Hey you, Susie Q

Well, week two of Dancing with the Averages went well last night. The main thing was I discovered a local Italian place next door to the dance studio that serves $1 draft and then include Shiner Beer.

Last night was a step up(pun) from last week. We went over our basic moves and moved on to a couple of more difficult steps. We learned a twisting move for our feet and then went on to learn a little step called the Susie Q. It seemed odd to me that a Salsa dance step would be called the Susie Q. It is pretty much just a bunch of cross steps to an 8 step beat.

I have to say that I am improving. The instructor made us dance with her and she commented to the class that I was a good leader. That's right, I rock. The most interesting thing was getting to see the intermediate class dance. It looked so much more difficult but still remained fluid. I am getting excited for next week.

That is all,

Newt

Death Day part deux

Well, my loyal readers, the title of this post may seem familiar as today is the 2nd Anniversary of my late Granny Nan's death. I wrote a post last year to tell about my Granny's death and so I again let you know I will be celebrating her death by thinking about her life.

I told Diana that I wouldn't be sad today and I am keeping that promise. I have heard of people reacting to the day of death as a day of mourning. I know that today is just another day in the lives of millions of people so me holding onto grief won't serve a purpose. So instead I will share a happy memory and carry that with me the entire day.

My Granny was a mean woman. I was constantly at her house and when I would bathe there, she had a ritual that haunts me to this day. I would sit in the tub for an hour taking a "bath", which means I would play with my Star Wars figures and my toy plane. I suppose you could say that I cleaned myself, but in truth I relied on the water to do the work.

Nan Vaughn always had different ideas. I had an inspection after every bath. I passed on almost everything except I always forgot to clean behind my ears. Who remembers that? I can't see or smell back there so what did I care? Well, Granny cared because as hard as I tried to convince her otherwise, she insisted on taking a wet rag and pretend the back of my ears were a pan with baked on grease.

She would pull my ear as far away from my head as she possible could and scrub until she could see pink. I don't know how dirty it was back there, but by the end of my torture session, I don't know how they could have been cleaner. I think back and wonder if there was ever any dirt back there at all or did she just enjoy messing with me. I guess I won't ever have the answer to that question, but truthfully, I don't want it.

So, if you have a minute and have ever met Nan Vaughn, just sit and think of her. She would have liked that.

That is all,

Newt

The Bald and the Beautiful

I have noticed an alarming trend in the media lately. Whenever I hear any commercials for hair growth products or medical treatments for hair loss the term used to describe it is Male Pattern Hair Loss. Where did the word baldness go?

There is a commercial on the radio that says just this. A guy is at a barber and asks what to do about his hair loss. The barber tells him Male Pattern Hair Loss is treatable. When did the word 'bald' become a four letter word? Is it up there with S#!+ and F*(k?

It seems ridiculous to think that we are becoming so PC that the term bald, balding, or whatever variation of the word hurts people. Your bald. It's a fact of life. Your DHT levels are high or low, I don't know which, and you are loosing hair. Embrace it. It will not end your life but it will clog your drain so keep some Drano handy.

There are enough bald people in the world that this shouldn't be an issue. And yet, it is. I can't get my head of luscious brown locks around this idea.

That is all,

Newt

It's a case of taken Identity

My credit card number was stolen and used over the weekend. Yes, you read correctly. I am a victim of credit card theft. I was notified of an odd charge on Saturday and by Monday I was cancelling the card because of a couple thousand dollars in charges.

Everything seems like it is going to be fixed smoothly so I am not worried. I don't exactly know how the number was taken but needless to say, I love Wells Fargo because they notified me over a $9.95 charge to a online book club and I still don't understand how they were able to pick out that charge as fraudulent.

I have decided that I wish I were a credit card thief. You get to buy all sorts of junk that you don't pay for and if your smart you don't get caught. The only downside is you have to have planned out all your purchases because you only get a two or three day window to buy everything.

I have heard from people that this process is a pain in the ass to fix, but so far I can't complain. I made three phone calls and I think I got it handled. I do have to wait for a new credit card but that's not a big deal. It is just a hassle I wasn't expecting to deal with. That's life for you.

That is all,

Newt(or is it)

That's not Spirt Finger...

Hola. I am in such a Latin mood today because last night my lovely wife and I started dance classes. Some coworkers asked me if I would be interested in joining them in a Salsa and Merenge class and I am not one to turn down an experience. We are now committed for 10 classes of booty shaking fun.

While I pretend to be able to dance and have wicked mad skills at the Dance Dance Revolution, I am not one to claim rhythm. Last night we learned the basics of Salsa and after an hour and a half they had us sidestepping, cumbia-ing, and spinning. It was slightly awkward towards the end though because we had to switch partners with every single person in the room so I was dancing with 9 different women that I didn't know.

I am definitely going to have to practice all week to keep the steps down. But, by the end of this I will feel like Patrick Swazie. So you better leave Diana alone cause "No one puts Baby in the corner".

That is all,

Newt

Da na na na na na na....Today is my birthday.

That's right, today is my birthday. And yes, I am gonna have a good time. By the time you read this I will have become 25. Shit that's old. I guess I should start saving for my AARP.

My wife actually surprised me with a gift that I did not see coming. I have always been able to determine exactly which gift I will be getting through a series of dropped hints, logical assumptions, overall ability to purchase everything I want and leave little left to buy me. However, last night I was mowing the yard and when I got done I was told I would get my gift. I grabbed a shower and spent the better part of my scrubbing going through the list of things she could get me.

Was I getting Scrubs Season 5? Maybe she remembered that I searched for that hard to find book that I told her about? Nope. She surprised me by purchasing me a bust that I have been lusting after for a while and one she had only seen once and heard mention of numerous times. I came down the stairs to a brand new 1970's classic costume Captain Britain mini-bust. If I hadn't just taken a shower I would have peed myself.

So apparently, being 25 is not too shabby. I hadn't even started my birthday and I had already turned a gift card to Half Price Books into a large amount of comics, and now have a new bust to put on the shelf. With all this good luck, I am afraid what karma will do to me to bring me back down.

That is all,

Newt

I'm a Superhero...well maybe not Super

I tuned into something today. I think I have powers. Now, I wish I could say I learned to fly or can shit fire, but no. Instead, I have determined my mutant super ability is the power of finding random things.

What kind of crappy power is this? Well, let me explain with examples. This weekend was my favorite book stores, Half Price Books, annual Labor Day 20% off sale. As soon as I heard this I knew (powers manifesting) that I would stumble across a used copy of The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut. Mind you, I have been trying to find a used copy of this book for more than a year and have had no luck. Well, my powers were working because yesterday in Plano, I found one in great condition.

My powers were also working at the same sale when I stumbled across 40 issues of Avengers West Coast that I have been looking for. I have the first 45 issues but haven't gotten around to trying to get the rest of them. However, the day after I got a gift card to HPB, I happened to stumble across almost every issue from 50-100. Powers activated.

Today, I used my powers to find fifty cents. I walked by a pay phone and turned around and decided to check for change. I stopped doing that in high school but today I knew, that's right, knew that I would find change. While my powers aren't that impressive you can't argue that they are effective.

That is all,

Newt

The Chronicles of Pornia

Last night was a first for my wife. I took her to a porn shop. In a previous post I told of how during a radio contest for Harry Potter, I won a gift certificate to a porn store. Well last night it got redeemed and my lovely wife decided to go with me to spend it.


Once there, I learned a few things about my wife.

1. She has never seen a porn video

2. She didn't know what a cock ring was

3. She thought all porn had a story


The place we went is called New Fine Arts and it is very popular in Dallas. It is actually a well lit, clean store with private viewing booths and, from what Diana said, clean restrooms. It had a huge selection and you don't really grasp the girth of the Porn industry until you enter one of these places.


We spent about an hour walking around and pointing out interesting things. You can purchase silicone ass or vagina replicas of some of your favorite porn stars. There was a machine that had a bar that you could attach a multitude of attachments to for pleasure, and there was such a variety of dildos, lubes, pumps and condoms that it boggles my mind as to how many sexual devices are out there.


Another interesting event was reading movie titles. I think the most surreal moment I had was when I was reading titles aloud to Diana and came across "Cum Guzzlers Vol 5." I actually read that aloud, within earshot of other people and did not feel at all out of the ordinary in doing so.


I will keep what was purchased out of the blogosphere but it was nothing too racy. I was told, however, that I was not allowed to get a sex swing.


That is all,


Newt

Oh What a Night...Pt 2

Well, we can continue our journey into the night of Greek and Geek by telling you about the comic book art show. After finishing up our Gyros we headed to Titan Comics, the greatest comic book store I have been to, and I have been to a lot of comic book stores.

They were serving alcohol and snacks so we went in and grabbed a can of wine. Wait, did I just say can? That's right. In a night for trying new things, we found out that some company makes carbonated wine in a can. It is about the size of a grapefruit juice can and comes with a straw. It wasn't too bad if you didn't use the straw but I don't think I will ever drink it again.

Luckily, they had bottled wine so me and my lady friends partook slightly, I more than they. I am a glutton when I am not fitting the bill so even the cheap donated wine was good. There were two bands playing throughout the night but the comic book store wasn't the greatest venue as sound doesn't travel well.

The auction was at the end of the night and by then I had already put silent bids on a few items. I got an awesome Scott Kurtz sketch of Spider-man and Spider Woman that is now hanging in my room. I also picked up a new art page of Spider-man. All in all I walked out spending $90. The girls didn't have much fun but I did, and 33% is not a bad rate of return.

Now that is all,

Newt

Oh, What a Night...Pt 1

I have been meaning to post on an evening that Erin, Diana and myself shared recently. Wait a minute. You perverts, that's not what I am talking about. Get your minds out of the gutter. Jeez!


The night I am talking about is when I dragged Erin & Diana to a mediocre comic auction to benefit the Hero Foundry. It was to benefit the charity's rebuilding efforts after flooding washed them out of their building. I will post on the Art Show/Auction later but today I will discuss what happened before we went.


Dammit, stop trying to make this a dirty event. I mean, it does involve Greek but that shouldn't put your mind in a dirty hole. We went to eat Greek food at Stratos. You Love It, Baby! I have never experienced a Gyro but I had one that night. For the few of you who don't know, gyro is a Greek work meaning Taco. It contained a sauce that I was hesitant about but what the hell, I ate it.


What made this evening special was that there was a belly dancing show right in front of our table. There were two women and they were scantily clad. I have never seen a live belly dance so the awe in my face was pretty apparent. The girl in Green and the girl in Red were the two dancers.


I was afraid we needed to tip them but wasn't sure if that was an insult. But then the money dance came up and I was forced to put a dollar down the side of this woman's skirt. She smelled nice though. The entire event was awkward for me but it was fun to watch. I will admit that I tried to belly dance for Diana the next day but it didn't have the same effect.


That isn't all,


Newt

Dinner with an old friend

On Wednesday, I had a mouth orgasm during dinner. Do you want to know why? Because we now have the greatness that is Rosa's Cafe only 10 minutes from our house. We stumbled across this on Wednesday morning after dropping my truck off at the Ford dealership for repairs. We missed our exit and got turned around when all of a sudden a huge pink billboard appeared on the side of the road.

It said Rosa's Cafe 3 miles. 3 MILES!!! Do you know what that means. I am welling up with tears just thinking about that delicious Queso. Oh, and those chips. This is like a dream come true topped with Christmas and sprinkled with sex. That's how good this is.

I am amazed at how Karma has given me this treasure. Shangri La is now a county away.

That is all,

Newt

Toilet Humor

Here is a funny story that is somewhat gross. As Diana and I went upstairs to go to bed we started our nighttime bathroom ritual of brushing teeth, taking out contacts, etc. I normally go pee right before bed but felt a slight movement coming so I sat to pee just in case I needed to do more than urinate.

Having lived with my wife for a number of years, it has become commonplace for the two of us to do disgusting things in front of each other. As I was sitting on the toilet letting a multitude of poots fly, she stood in front of me and we started having a conversation. A few seconds in, I don't remember the topic we were discussing, and she started laughing. I looked at her kind of funny because what I had just said wasn't humorous and she told me "You know you are comfortable with each other when you can have a conversation with your husband while he is wiping his ass."

I couldn't agree more.

That is all,

Newt

Billy the Bookcase says Hello

Well, this is embarrassing. After all my talk, I realigned some priorities this week and have come to the conclusion that I need to hold off on getting my new shed. After discussing it with my wife and pricing them out, it doesn't seem financially feasible for now. Sorry to all those who ran out to buy me gift cards to get a shed.

However, the realignment has opened up a wealth of possibility for me as I am now the proud owner of a brand new set of bookshelves. We drove out to Ikea, the land of oak, pine and Norsemen, to get a set of Bookcases named Billy. All day Saturday was spent constructing piece A into slot B but in all I completed my task and it looks freakin' awesome. I also started rearranging my room and have since become embroiled in the art of mat making.

Its like Extreme Makeover: Library Edition. MOVE THAT SHELVE!!! I want a bullhorn. I think I may be realigning my Fung Shui or something because now when I am in my room, I feel at peace. Actually, that is bull. My anal retentiveness won't let me stop thinking about what it looks like in there. It is still very cluttered overall but I am about to do some more work tonight and I after that, I won't be able to recognize the place.

That is all,

Newt

I'm Shedding

Here is my year long ultimate plan, and it starts with a shed. You see, I am getting a Vespa. Yes, you read correctly. I will be one of those people you see on the road on a scooter. Don't judge me!!! I can pull this look off and anyone who knows me is probably thinking, "Well, its stupid but I can totally see him doing something like this."

But, before I can get my Vespa a few things have to happen.
1. I have to pay off my truck. (This will be complete in April)
2. I have to get a motorcycle license.
3. I have to have somewhere to put it.

The somewhere to put it is where the shed comes in. Over the last couple of days I have been hatching a plan to get a bigger shed for my backyard. One that can house all of my lawn equipment as well as fit a motor scooter. And you know what I found out? Sheds are pricey. Some of the lower end models aren't that bad but they can steadily climb very quickly. So, for my birthday I am getting a shed. I am cashing in my credit card points, I am calling in all favors, and I am sucking up to my wife.

One person told me that getting a shed for my birthday made me an old man. Well, Kiss my Ass person.

I really only wrote all this down to make everyone aware that I want shed money for my birthday. I hope that was painfully aware.

That is all,

Newt

I'm the Hyphenator

So, Diana and I were at dinner the other day and the subject of her last name changing came up. She said someone told her that they thought she would be a Hyphenator. As in, she would hyphenate her last name with mine.

Up until then I had never heard the term before and I thought it was very silly. It sounds like a crazy punctuation robot from the future has come back in time to stop Sarah Conner from becoming Sarah Conner-Douglas or something.

I had always understood the process of hyphenating your last name. I don't really understand the reasoning behind it. Is is a longing to keep your identity while journeying forth into your new life? Is it a way to save time by not having to go through all the name changing processes? Or, is it a reason to add punctuation into an otherwise hyphen free environment.?

I personally like it that my wife has my last name only. I think it has more solidarity to the marriage because we are two of the same now. It also sounds better than her last name, which had way to many syllables.

That is all,

N-E-W-T

Charlie Bartlett

What is 'Charlie Bartlett'? Well, as noted in a previous post, I got tickets to a few different advanced screenings of upcoming films and 'Charlie Bartlett' was one of them. And last night Diana and I, along with my friends Allison and Ryan, went to see it.

I had no real expectations of the movie because I hadn't heard anything about it. However, I was pleasantly surprised. The basis for the film is there is this extremely bright kid who gets himself kicked out of every private school that would take him and thus he has to start public school. From there he ends up acting as a psychiatrist to the entire student body, supplies them with prescription drugs in a very funny way, and becomes the savior of the school.

All of this sounds silly, and it was, but it was also funny and warm and at times it was downright important. I guess that might seem like an odd word to describe a movie but, like 'Saved' or 'Pleasantville', it used a silly premise to hit on a lot of important issues. It covered alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, and high school.

If you can, GO SEE THIS FILM. I know when it comes out we will probably own it because even Diana couldn't stop raving about it. The best part is that is was free.

That is all,

Newt