Video Games Gone Wrong - The final battle in the War of the Newts

Well, we have come to the third and final post in the blog war of the Newts. After looking over my blog, go over to my enemy's site and then place your vote for who takes home the title. We are currently tied 1 to 1 so this is the one that decides it all.

The third war topic was "Video games gone wrong". What does that mean? Hell if I know! I wanted to discuss how the world was being reshaped in 16 bit gore and mayhem but then I was driving home one day and a random thought came into my head that caused me to laugh out loud. Then another. And another.

Thus, I pulled out my sick Photoshop skills and created a set of cartoons I will title "Video Games Gone Wrong". This may even become a recurring feature.






And one more time for my friend Lola.

Ribbit, Bitch.

Newt

Bored Games

I think I am broken. Somewhere in the last 10 to 15 years something snapped in my head and made a part of me stop working correctly. I didn't even notice, like gaining a single pound, it just happened. Such a miniscule thing. I can't win at checkers anymore.

I kid you not that I was amazing at checkers as a child. Maybe a checkers prodigy. I beat everyone and could see the moves that had to be made well in advance. I taught myself chess but never have been very good at paying attention to all the pieces and their movements. I enjoyed the undertaking and once in a blue moon I won, but checkers was always there saying, "Oh, that chess is too fickle. Come play with me," and I would.

A few years ago I saw a glimpse that something had changed. Erin and I played a game of checkers at a restaurant with a checker board that had no pieces. We used pennies and I lost! Multiple games! Lost!

I wrote it off as pennies not being a good way to play. I couldn't keep my pieces separate from hers because the only difference was we each used a side of the penny. I was confident that I was still a checkers champion. I WAS WRONG!

I have a iPhone app for checkers and play it all the time. I have won twice. I might win more if I was the first move, who knows, but the point is that I lost that spark that made me great. Where did it disappear to? Have you seen it? If you do, please send it back my direction.

I feel like I have been double jumped by a chimpanzee.

That is all,

Newt

My Hometown - The Second Battle in the War of the Newts

We have come to the second battle in the War of the Blogs. This week’s battle topic is “My Hometown”. So, read my post, head over to my enemy’s blog, and vote for the winner in this week’s battle.

Have you ever seen the movie or the TV show “Friday Night Lights”? Congratulations, you have been to my home town. You see, I am from Midland, Texas, aka, the childhood home of George W. Bush, the 43rd President of these United States. Damn straight!

Honestly though, I do come from a town of about 130,000 people, about half of whom I went to high school with. You see, for all its wonderful traits Midland, Texas is a black hole of despair and disappointment.

I like to joke that Midland is where you grow up, go to school, and…well that is it. If you don’t have a baby from the best three years of your life otherwise known as High School, than you were fat, ugly, or intelligent. Please categorize yourself..

I do have fond memories of my birthplace. It was where I whiled away the hours journeying to and from my Granny’s house every week, spent summers riding bikes with Thomas, and categorized the different Rednecks in their native habitats. Honestly, it is still the place I call home, even though I have lived almost a 6th of my life outside of it.

The pros to growing up in Midland, Texas:

1. We had a water park…in the middle of Southern Texas. It was Water Wonderland and when you live in an area where summer temps reach the 100 degree mark, it was better known as Paradise.
2. My entire family lived there. That could be considered a con, but when you grow up with both sides of your entire family living in or around the city, it brings a level of closeness that I know my kids will be deprived of, and for that a part of me is sad.
3. Nothing was far enough away that I couldn’t get there on my bike. Now, that isn’t to say things weren’t a distance, but I was known to ride the entire length of town to go as far as the comic book store or as close as the 7-11. Having this option as a kid was a key experience in my childhood.
4. Texas Motor Speedway. I would bum along with Thomas and his family, and we would head out to the local dirt track to watch local race car drivers crash into each other. Mostly Thomas and I would go walk underneath the bleachers looking for fallen cash and wallets, but it was a thrill. My dad even did Demolition Derby there.

The cons consisted of…

1. Living in an area where High School Football was king. Mind you, I was a chubby comic book nerd, so things weren’t stacked in my favor, but the fact that on any Friday night, dumbasses from all over the city congregated to a football field and were overcome with pride for a bunch of grunts in Purple and Gold really chapped my ass. My school was Purple and Gold. Go Bulldogs!!!
2. The town was small enough it only had “One”. By that I mean we had one movie theatre (not counting the discount show), one comic book store (except in the mid 90’s when there was an odd abundance), and one Wal-Mart, and by that I don’t mean Super. Things got more plentiful as the years progressed but there is still only a Barnes & Noble and a Hastings by way of book stores, and Hastings is a movie rental place as well.
3. Teen Pregnancy Rates. I am going to make up a statistic and say that during my years in high school, Midland entered the National Teen Pregnancy Hall of Fame. I wouldn’t doubt it. It seems like everyone was having sex…except for me. Not that I wanted a baby, mind you, but I wouldn’t have turned away the practice.
4. Midland seems to be the buckle on the Bible Belt. Church and Midland were two peas in a pod. I am highly unreligious, but I went to church because I dated, and if you wanted a girlfriend that wasn’t a weirdo, you were probably dating a church girl. Oh, how I wanted a weirdo. Almost every serious girlfriend I had in high school belonged to a church. A Baptist church. I went to more Easter plays, youth group meetings, and Sunday services than I can remember. Ah, the power of the Lord (and by Lord I mean French Kissing).

So, that is my hometown. I honestly loved growing up there and doubt I would be as freakin’ awesome as I am if I had come from anywhere else. Growing up in a Southern Texas town allowed me to rebel into my nerdy world and still not need to turn to drugs and heavy metal to be different. When you walk into school with an Iron Man t-shirt on, you can feel confident no one else is going to be wearing it too.

That is all,

Newt

The Airport is a great place to meet people

I just got back from a week in Waldorf, Maryland last Friday and while in the airport, a funny thing happened. I was standing next to the wall near the baggage carousel, waiting for it to come to life so I could get my bag. I had my phone out playing on it when out of the corner of my eye I noticed there was an older woman coming my direct, and she appeared to be ready to faint.

She wobbled over to the pillar I was standing against and immediately I could tell something was wrong so I asked the woman, "Ma'am, are you OK?"

The smell of tobacco and alcohol assaulted me as she slurred, "No" and that was when I realized, this lady was 9 sheets to the wind drunk. I got a better look at her at that point. She was about 5'2, between 50 and 90, thin gray hair, slightly hunching over and dressed entirely in chocolate brown. Her pants and shirt had that velvet look to them and she had a brown purse with her as well. She stared at me, with that vacant look you get when you have had one to many shots of whiskey and I think I could actually see her mind working to try to catch up.

She leaned against the pillar and from out of nowhere a young African American guy who worked for American Airlines manifested himself next to the woman. Their conversation went like this.

AA: "Ma'am, are you all right?"
DW: "No, I'm not..."
AA: "Are you flying somewhere?"
DW:"Yesh. Ahm...flying....to....."
At this point the Drunk Woman just stopped and waited about 6 seconds.
AA: "Ma'am, are you here to pick someone up?"
I immediately thought how that sounded like the worst idea ever but she must have rebooted completely because she started talking again.

DW: "Ahm goin' ta Nashvul."
AA:"Do you have a ticket?"
She looked at him and thought for a second when he added, "Maybe in your purse?"
She actually did have a ticket in her purse and when she handed it over I was surprised to hear the man say "Ma'am, you came from Nashville and are going to San Antonio. Let me walk you to your gate."

She eyed him suspiciously when he offered her his arm but after a second she must have reasoned that she should go with him, or forgot why she didn't want to go in the first place. She took his arm and they casually walked towards the gates. She almost tripped over a man's suitcase as they went.

I can only guess that somehow she got drunk during a layover or on the plane and wandered out of the terminal. She had no luggage and was entirely alone.

Diana came inside to meet me and when we were walking out we found that the AA guy was a liar. Instead of the gate, the woman was sitting in a chair as two police officers were talking to her. We overheard the question, "How much have you had to drink tonight?" as we walked away.

That is all,

Newt

Awesome Memory - The First battle in the War

It is time for the first battle in the Blog War and the topic is "Awesome Memory". After reading my post, head over to my enemy's blog and read his post for this battle. Since my entire life is really awesome, thus my memories are all awesome, it was hard to pick one but after scrolling through my mental Rolodex I stumbled across this gem. I will note that I have mixed feelings about this memory but good or bad, it is still Awesome.

The year was 1989. I was sitting at home watching Full House, which I guess means this was a Friday because it was part of the TGIF lineup on ABC along with Family Matters and Perfect Strangers (Oh Balki). My mother and sister were gone to the grocery store, which left me and my father at home. As I laid on the floor, naked except for a pair of blue jeans, the phone rang.

I was entranced by Candace Cameron and so I was oblivious to the fact my father had answered. It was my uncle calling to ask if my father could come help him with something. Suddenly my father was in the room asking me, "Newt, can you stay by yourself for a few minutes and stay out of trouble until your mom gets back from the store?" I was around 7 at the time and felt the buzz most kids do when they get left home alone for the first time. The trust. The honor. The temptation.

"Of course" I exclaimed, I was just going to be watching TV anyway. I imagine there was some hesitation but whatever my uncle needed must have been enough of an incentive that Dad thought he could get away with it. He told me not to get into trouble and left. This turned out to be a larger mistake than he could ever have anticipated.

The rest of this memory probably takes place over a 15 minute span of time. In my mind it felt like hours. Minutes after my father left I stirred during a commercial break and...what's that? Do I smell smoke? Hmmmm. I walked around the house trying to locate the smell but couldn't. How odd! I went into my bedroom and stared at the couch that was being used as a makeshift bed for me for a few days. Instantly my mind entered a flashback sequence worthy of Lost.

"Mom. Dad. I want a real bed. I am tired of this huge water bed. I want a bed like everyone else, with Ninja Turtle sheets."
"OK. We can get you a real bed."

Through a rush of the day or two that this transpired we drained my water bed (Water beds! Got to love the 80s), dismantled the frame, and moved a couch in for me to sleep on until we could go shopping for a frame and mattress. After the couch was installed in my room I laid on the sheet and realized how cold it was. I had gotten use to the water bed heater that usually kept the bubble I slept on warm.

Well, if it could heat a water bed, surely it could heat a couch. 100 degrees seemed like the right setting for a couch and I tucked the sheet back around it, leaving the heating pad in direct contact with the polyester cushion and went about the rest of my Friday.

Shaking my head out of the thought I was having I walked over to the couch and felt its warmth. The smoke smell was getting stronger and I remember thinking, "Why does the couch smell like smoke?" Using 7 year old logic I knew the best way to figure it out would be to rip the sheet off of the couch, thus exposing the culprit of the odor. In a way I was right. I later learned that directly adding Oxygen to a volatile situation will cause a small suffering flame to rage. Who knew?

Like a magic trick, where once a sheet sat, now a flaming couch appeared. Instantly I knew, the house was on fire. My room was toast and I was scared so I ran to the phone to call for help and...who do I call? I know, I will call the smartest person I know, my Granny. She can help. I dialed her number and explained this situation as best I could. I think it went something like this...

"GRANNY, GRANNY!!!! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!"
"WHAT? Where are your parents?"
"THERE GONE!!! I'M BY MYSELF. WHAT DO I DO?!?"
"I'll be right there, call 911 and then get out of the house."
"OK. CALL 911. GOT IT."

My Granny lived three blocks away so I knew things would be OK. Then it hit me. The animals. Our dogs were going to die if I didn't save them. And of course I had to get Peaches. Peaches was our cockatiel and lived in my room. Heroically, I rushed back into the smoking pit and rushed to her cage. Orange and red flashed in the room as I grabbed her and rushed out the front door to freedom. Next I ran back into the house to find our Boston Terrier, Willie. He made it out on his own which left only our black lab Daisy to save.

Daisy stayed outside and would have been fine but the mind of a 7 year old doesn't function at 100% capacity at the best of times so I ran out into the back yard, released Daisy from her dog run, and escorted her to the front yard where she instantly ran away down the street. My father found her later after some time driving the neighborhood after the fire trucks had left.

The reassuring shell of my Granny's white Buick(I think) appeared in the front yard.

"Did you call the fire department?"
"OH NO!!! I FORGOT. I HAD TO SAVE THE ANIMALS."
"OK. I am going to run in and call them."

She disappeared into the smoky door frame as I was slowly being joined by neighbors in the front yard. Someone had grabbed our water hose and was aiming it at the window to my bedroom. I stood dumbfounded. Minutes passed and Granny didn't come out. Where was she? Is she OK? I started to panic and was considering running back in to save her when I heard it.

"Trinity! Trinity!"

It was her, but where was it coming from? I soon discovered. She couldn't make it through the front door after calling 911 so she had gone out the back and was at the side gate. We kept it padlocked and I clearly didn't have the key but with the help of my neighbor, or more accurately my neighbors flashlight, we beat the lock until it busted off and she joined me out front.

The rest of the night seemed to happen at double speed. My mother and sister appeared, apparently having to fight past the firemen who had tried to stop them from going near the house. My father came back home and to this day I never have thought to ask him where he had gone or how he knew to come home. Firemen did show up and get the fire out and we were left to go through the wreckage or our life.

The damage to the house was bad but the worst was my room. There was a charcoal bike frame, tons of debris, and all of my possessions melted or gone completely. The only things to survive were the belongings in my toy chest that the firemen had pulled out into the yard. My Ninja Turtles collection came through unscathed because of that toy chest and I breathed a sigh of relief.

That is all,

Newt

HERE YE, HERE YE

The Epic Battle of Newt vs. Newt will commence this Saturday, Feb 20th, 2010.

This battle will be waged on three fronts.

1) Awesome Memory (Saturday Feb 20th)
2) My Hometown (Sat Feb 27)
3) Video Games Gone Wrong (Sat Mar 6)

Each Post will be automatically submitted at 12 PM Eastern.

For the week following each post, you, our readers, will be asked to vote on your favorite post to determine the winner for the week. The best of three posts wins and will be named the true Newt. It is expected that this be an unbiased voting process.

May the best Amphibian win!

I just got some bad news.

This is the worst news I could ever have read.

Why does God hate me so much?

Newt

Aspects of WAR!

To my enemy, the fake Newt.

Here is my proposal for the ensuing war that will be making you cry in your bathtub while all of your Canadian musicians play in the background.

We each write three separate posts about certain topics. We agree to post these at the same time so as to not give a fair advantage to the other person. I suggest topics in the vein of "
Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll" or "Things you don't talk about such as Sex, Taxes and Politics" as our topic ideas. I welcome your thoughts, or not so much welcome them as hold mild disdain for them.

We then open up the floor for comments and have people vote for their favorite. That may be unfair as I have more followers at the moment so I would like to know your ideas. We can have them pick winners for each category. I will demand impartiality from my blog friends but they love me so I can only do so much.

Winner takes all...mind you I won't be changing my name but will add Steve to it as promised.

Thoughts,

Newt

Olympic Fever? More like an mild cold

I am sitting in my living room with Diana as the Opening Ceremony of the Olympic Games starts and she is "oohhhing" and "aahhhing" as fireworks go off and people ski down mountains in a montage of Canadian pride. Diana has been looking forward to this for weeks and one of the things that made her super excited about TiVo is that she could record some of the events. I just have to say when it comes to Olympics...

I DON'T CARE.

I really don't. It is the most uninteresting thing in the world for me. I love what they represent, Nations sending their top athletes to a single place to compete and see who is the best without having to resort to war. But it is soooo boring. I could fall asleep right now and I am only typing.

I don't understand why this is such a big deal to everyone. Name one medalist from 2002. I can't. It just seems like such a waste of time. Never have cared, never will. Unless one of my kids ever becomes an Olympian...then I guess I will try to give a crap. Until then, I will pass on all the fanfare.

That is all,

Newt

Knock Down, Drag Out War

I have been attacked. Unprovoked might I add. You see, some poser from the land of Canada thinks he can come in with a year of blogging under his belt and steal the moniker of Newt. The nerve of some people, eh?

In a ballzy move that I must say is kind of brilliant, he has declared a blog war. I normally remain all Swiss on these things but he went and defaced the immortal image of my hero, Kermit the Frog, and for that he will go down. HARD!

His declaration of war can be read partly in the comments of my last post but also here. Am I scared? No. Why would I be. Everyone knows Canada is where you go to avoid war so this guy doesn't know what he has gotten himself into.

Once the term of the war are set, yes we will have civilized warfare, then it will be no holds barred. A competition to determine the number one Newt and the loser to be called Steve.

This has only just begun,

Newt(The one and only)

TBWCYL Day 364 - Update Time

Well, I finally broke down and went back to the Half Price Books where I left my copy of This Book Will Change Your Life and my copy wasn't there. What that means I have no idea. Someone may have bought it but if so they are holding it hostage and haven't called me. Just as likely they may have it and not even realize it, though it was pretty apparent it was completely filled out.

The thing I fear most is that it was found on the shelf and the employees decided to trash it because they thought a filled out copy wouldn't sell. With it being 40 days since departure I am going to assume that I will not get it back. This is a sad development. I was so hoping to keep it and gain a little faith in people all at the same time.

That is all,

Newt

Maiwage

I just saw a headline on the front page of MSN saying something about the secret to staying married 50 years. I have been married just over 2 years but have been with the same woman for over...hold on I'm counting...six years. In proportion to other people that may not be that long but with that many years under my belt I feel I can ask, "Why do people think marriage is so hard?"

I know I don't have a kid yet, and I live the good life of comics and middle class luxury so maybe I should look more towards that sector for this but I just can't understand why things are so difficult for people.

Let's look at a made up couple, Jim and Erica.

Jim has a decent job, not too bad looking, and semi responsible. Erica has a decent job as well and is going to school to become a nurse. They each work around 40 hours a week plus Erica's 15 hours of school.

They argue incessantly over dishes, laundry and occasionally money. Jim wants more sex and Erica wants more sleep. Why are they unhappy? Because they are stupid.

Come on Jim! Erica needs some sleep and can't give you as much sex as you would like. Let it go and grab yourself. That's what the Internet is for. And if she is going to school you should help out around the house more. It will benefit you in the end.

Geez Erica, cut Jim some slack. You don't really want him doing laundry do you? You saw how he shrunk that $60 blouse you just bought. Guys don't think to check for "dry clean only" tags. And I am going to guess it was you who decided to go back to school so you should expect to be tired. Don't use that as a crutch. It's not right, or fair.

See, I just solved their problems. It wasn't hard. People are stupid. I know I can be. I went through some of the same things Jim did. When your wife works 80 weeks and you have had more contact with your keyboard than her body, things can get a little tense...in my pants!!! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

The thing with marriage is that it is actually pretty easy if you have a few things.

1. The Right Person. If you married a bitch or bastard who can't sweat the small stuff, than you got yourself into this and everything you get is probably something you deserved. "He was so loving at first but now he is just mean." Whatever. I know there is occasionally that story but if you get with Biff, the mechanic at the garage who plays cards every week, smokes and drinks and suddenly you think a ring on your finger makes him more refined, you are as stupid as you look..and you look pretty stupid.

2. Patience. If you are the kind of person who asks for something to be done once and if it isn't then you start yelling, you shouldn't be married. Or for that matter in a relationship. Don't inflict that on someone.

3. Guilt. I know this may sound unorthodox and many people won't put this on the must have list but I think that guilt is a key instrument in making things work. Here's why. I will use a real example. Say I am at a Hooters. DD brings me some wings and I look at her boobs. Should I feel guilty, probably not. But if I was to start thinking about more than just looking, I would have GUILT. And guilt stops me dead in my tracks. If every cheater had guilt before he cheated instead of after, he might actually not cheat to begin with. This wouldn't have 100% accuracy but it might curve the numbers some.

4. Low Expectations. This is the most crucial thing any married couple should have. If I expect to eat Hamburger Helper every night, anything else is a bonus. If I want filet mingnon then I am going to be constantly disappointed. Men and Women are flawed creatures. Why anyone expects so much is beyond me. I think part of the reason for so many divorces is that couples expect so much from each other that they don't appreciate what they have and instead focus too much on what they don't. I didn't marry my dream girl combo of Jessica Alba and Little Debbie so I don't expect my wife to taste like Sexy Cream Pies. It would just be unrealistic.

I love my wife, genuinely love her. She is great for supporting me, having a conversation with, allowing me my faults, though they may be few, and knowing how to make me laugh. I can't say I am the perfect husband all the time but I bet she would say some of the same things about me that I do about her.

I currently can't think of anything that will change that feeling and it hasn't changed in the umpteen years we have been together, no matter what we fight about. I can't comment about growing apart or straying because I honestly don't see the point, but with divorce rates as high as they are, maybe I am in the minority. If you grow apart your not trying very hard and if you stray, you don't want to be married to begin with. As I get older, I think I am learning to sweat the small stuff more and more. Sure it annoys me that her side of the sink is dirtier than mine, but I just wipe it up and move along. Me cleaning up something that only bothers me seems like a solutions to a problem that is mine, not ours.

That is all,

Newt

Bloop, Bloop, Bloop, Bloop, Bloop, Bloop, Bloop

The world is in color today because last night, Diana and I made a huge step forward into the future and got...TiVo. Let me back that up for you...”Bloop, Bloop Bloop... the future and got...TiVo.”

Suck it, VCR. You are going to that home where my dogs all went to roam free in the fields. Maybe that is why I always see old unwound Cassette tape clinging to the fences near the fields. Hmmmm!?!

We went to Best Buy and got our little friend yesterday evening and it was like buying a new puppy. I say that because as soon as we got it home I realized how much shit I was going to have to buy to get it to behave. We had to go back to the store to buy a Wireless Adapter so it could use the WiFi signal but after we plugged him in, our little guy was so eager to please.

“Can I set up a season pass for you?” Sure.
“If you tell me what you like I can look for other shows for you.” Really, you’re too kind.
“Did you miss something on the screen? Let me back that up for you.” Oh, you are the best sir.

Our TiVo is named Archimedes, like Merlin’s Owl from King Arthur times. I thought it fitting since this has to be a box of magic sitting under my TV. It may also be alien as it seems to only communicate through a “Bloop” noise that may actually be a language. I am not kidding when I say that I have been trying to talk back to it by using my own “Bloop” in response.

So far we now have Season Passes to our favorite shows:

How I Met Your Mother
House
Big Bang Theory
Life Unexpected
Lost
Human Target
The Office
Community
Modern Family
Sesame Street (yes, I am abusing TiVo now by recording this but I don’t care)
Oprah (This is Diana’s and I doubt will get watched much but she wanted it.)

I can’t believe I don’t have to remember to set a tape if I am not going to be home. Life is amazing.

That is all,

Newt

Midnight train to Jersey

The doors to the subway train open and a waft of 8 day unwashed vagina attacks my nostrils. My eyes immediately dart around the train to identify where the smell is coming from and sitting in the corner is a small black man whose skin has begun to whiten from lack of hygiene and a life of riding subway cars to keep warm. My watch shows 1:02 a.m. and I have spent the last hour and a half in the underground labyrinth that is the New York Subway System.

I spent a lovely evening with a beautiful redhead named Lola. Saying that makes it sound tawdry which just goes to show you how quickly you jump to conclusions. It is the night before I leave New Jersey and I rode into the city via the Path train into the World Trade Center hole and boarded the E train to 42nd street for my date. Being in Jersey gave me the opportunity to hook back up with Lola after our brief meeting in Dallas.

We took in dinner at Etc. Etcetera and, thoroughly stuffed, made our way to see “Mary Poppins” on Broadway. In between renditions of “Step in Time”, “Spoonful of sugar” and “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” (how impressive is it that my spell check has that as a word and corrected my spelling?) Lola and I made friends with a Brazilian who was taking in the show. I think we picked the perfect Broadway to see too. If you were in the audience and looked up to see kids enjoying themselves, “ooohing” and “aahhing” as Mary flies across the stage you would have been looking at us. We jumped with surprise, sang with the songs, and bobbed our heads up and down in time with the music. No two 20 something’s could have been happier.

After the show we headed to the bus terminal and as we went inside discovered a bar that was housed within serving drinks to travelers as they waited for their bus. As we sipped our beer in wait of Lola’s chariot, we were serenaded with karaoke as small white guys sang songs better suited to large black men or sopranos. You sure hit that high note, Mr. Blanco.

I saw Lola off and began my travel back to Jersey City. Knowing the trains ran off hours I anticipated a wait but was confident that I would be able to make it back to my hotel. I rode the E train in so I planned on backtracking on it and getting back to the World Trade Center. As I stood in the tunnel at 42nd street station I learned what Purgatory must be like.

I will start by saying I had 40 blocks to travel. The train ride to Times Square took about 15 minutes. I stood waiting for the E train and was disappointed time and time again. As I leaned over the tracks to watch for the small light at the end of the tunnel to grow brighter, the A on the train kept dashing my hopes. After 30 minutes on the platform I began to worry that the train would never come. Using the map I planned an alternate route and jumped on an A train to 33rd where I knew of a Path Train that ran from the City to Jersey.

I scrambled around Penn Station in a panic. My phone said the Path train stopped at 11:00 but I couldn’t find it out until I had exited the signal blocking tunnels. Stuck on 33rd, I rushed back to the Subway and decided I would just ride the A and get as close to WTC as I could and walk. It was past midnight by this point and exhaustion was setting in along with a mild need to urinate. I jumped on the A train but only rode it one stop when I decided to jump off and double check the map to make sure that I was heading the right way. At this point the voice of God, or maybe it was just an intercom, at that point I starting to get delirious, said,

“All E bound trains are being serviced off of the F line. Please ride the F train to Commerce for service to World Trade Center.”

I had just spent over an hour waiting for a train that didn’t exist. At this point I held back tears and went down a level to wait for the train that I hoped would bring salvation. I turned my phone on to record my thoughts.

“It’s just after 1 o’clock in the morning; I am now waiting for the F train on West 4th street. This marks an hour and a half in the subway with about a mile and a half covered.”

As I rode the F train with the human embodiment of rotten eggs, I prayed that I would make it home. My urgency at needing to pee was building but there was not a chance in hell I was stepping foot in a Subway bathroom. I made it to the WTC at 1:30 a.m. and the only real bit of luck I had appeared. I had arrived just in time to get on the Path train that would take me home. My second recording held more hope that the first.

“It’s 1:33 in the morning and I am on the Path train to New Jersey. It took me 30 minutes to get to the WTC so I could get onto this train and I lucked out to find it the first time. I was afraid if I didn’t it would have been another hour and I would have cried.”

As my feet screamed in protest I rode the train into Jersey City. I had entered the Path train in Jersey City near the office I was at. However my hotel was a good 10 block from the office and I got the great idea that I would just ride the Path to the station near my hotel, thinking it would save me about 8 blocks. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The train I was on dropped off on a different station than the one near my hotel but this didn’t become apparent until I had exited the train, popped out topside, and found nothing looked familiar.

I pulled out my phone and with the use of Google Maps, located my hotel and started the 12 blocks towards it. My urge to pee went from a want to an absolute need and I was forced to stop between two parked cars in a dimly lit street and urinate. My fingers were so cold that I thought I might recoil at the touch and we myself but in this one thing I was fortunate.

I arrived at my hotel at 2 a.m. and finished packing before collapsing into bed and embracing sweet exhaustion.

That is all,

Newt

Looking for the Jersey Devil

I am sitting in the lobby of a DoubleTree hotel in New Jersey tonight. It is raining outside and the 'blip' of my Skype just went off telling me my wife responded to me. I am officially an employee of my parent company and on my first travel assignment. I have come to the state of New Jersey to get some training on a specific computer system before I get cracking on things and this entire week I get to hole up in an office complex overlooking the Hudson River.

Being new to traveling for work, it didn't occur to me that weather could be a problem so when the plane landed and I saw rain hitting the windows, I realized I was not prepared for that. I stopped in one of the airport shops before going to baggage claim and only saw "I love New York" umbrellas and I had no interest in being seen as a tourist so I passed. My hotel was next to a mall so I ran over and got one before it closed and I think I have learned my lesson.

Now, most of you are probably thinking, Newt is in Jersey? That is near Lola Lakely! and you would be right. In fact, my dear friend Lola and I are already planning on seeing each other and have tickets to see Mary Poppins on Thursday so that will be a post to come.

I am looking forward to this week and all the fun that travel offers. Why, just for dinner I was able to sample some of the local fare by taking in a quaint little restaurant. You may have heard of it. It was called Chili's.

So far I have to say Jersey doesn't seem to bad but I am staying in an urban area and it seems just like any other city. Maybe in the light of day I will walk outside and see what everyone is talking about. We will see.

That is all,

Newt

Womanizing the blogosphere

It is slowly becoming apparent that the blog world is predominately female. When I started blogging I was in my own little world where me and my friends all blogged and had a little click. In the last year that click has grown exponentially and this is when it came to my attention that blogging is like volleyball, men play it but it is overrun by ladies.

I have considered that the blogosphere might be more even then I think but haven't been able to prove it. For every male blogger I find, there seem to be ten women ones. So, I did an experiment. Using the "Next Blog" button at the top of the screen I hit it 10 times and here is what came up.

Blog one was a mother writing about her kid.
Two was about an English woman writing about the trials and tribulations of having MS.
Blog three was about Merideth Boyd and her husbands photography business.
Quatro involved articles about prostate cancer.
Blog five focused on a child with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.
Six was in a different language but it looked girly.
Seven is about the life of a teacher named Joye.
Eight was the first one I found written by a man and it is all about asexuality.
Nine has something to do with Photoshop and Wikipedia. Not sure what though but it was written by a woman.
And the final blog was by someone named Kate.

So, in total there were 7 that were written by woman, 1 by a man, 1 for health purposes that are male related so probably also by men, and the final one needed translation.

So I have to ask, "Where my bros at?" I actually read a few blogs by men but there are not frequented with as many posts as women. Is it because there are stay at home moms that write? Or single women that like to discuss going out? Or does having a family make woman want to write about their adventures? I don't know.

I have seen a subculture of blogs that are just written for families to keep up with what is going on with their kin. My parents have been known to keep up with me using this blog so I understand how helpful that can be. But where are the male bloggers? And can anyone recommend some.

That is all,

Newt(M)

Eye Spy

Friday was an eye opening day. I finally did something I have been wanting to do for years and splurged to get Lasik. We arrived at the doctor at 7:40 and were out by 8:20 and I could see better.

For those interested, the surgery was quick, about 5 minutes per eye. They start by holding your eye lids open, using a laser they cut a flap in your cornea which they then lift, and then use a different laser to reshape your inner cornea to adjust the way light refracts off of it. It was painless and the only thing I would warn about is that it can get slightly confining while the surgery is happening.

It is an odd sensation for you to know your eye is open yet not be able to see. When the flap is cut, your eye looses vision and at that point things start to feel a little weird. After the flap is made, you are swung around to the corrective laser and are told to focus on a red light. There is about 20 seconds of noise as the laser does its work and then the flap is closed and you are done. One of the oddest things is that you can actually smell your eye getting burned. It smells like lightly of burnt hair and plastic. Really weird.

I slept most of Friday and have been putting drops in my eyes for the last couple of days but I can see almost 20/20. My eyes are still healing so I am not sure what exactly will be the end result so I my require some touch up if things don't even out exactly. But, the ability to go to sleep and see when I wake up is something I don't even have words for. I haven't been able to do that since the 4th grade. It is amazing.

That is all,

Newt

Her Name was Lola!

Oh My God!!!! Star Sighting. Tuesday night something magical happened. I met Lola Lakely.

Living in Dallas gives me a lot of opportunities. One of those is that I am in a hub city that offers a lot of options for companies that need to have corporate functions. It is really common for people to fly in staff to come to meetings and that is how I met the real life Lola.

She arrived in Dallas on Tuesday night and Diana and I went to her hotel and had drinks and we all got to know one another. I was pretty nervous about the whole thing. Earlier in the day she told me she didn't know what I looked like so I sent her a picture via my camera phone. When she told me she was on her way down, butterflies were moving around. Should I hug her? Would she meet my expectations? Would it be awkward?

Well, no worries were to be had because not only did Lola hug both me and Diana, she is also exactly as I imagined her and cuter than I thought she would be.

It is a weird sensation meeting someone that you almost know. With blogging there is a point where you consistently read about someone to the point where you consider them a friend and yet you haven't really met that person so it almost isn't real. More than once during the night we looked at each other and said, "This is so crazy."

I don't think I got the whole Lola Lakely experience because the night ended with no one drunk, no crazy stories, and a relatively small bar tab but all of her work people were out and about and it was a Tuesday. The most awesome thing about it is I get to see her again in two weeks when I go to New Jersey for work. To go from never meeting to seeing each other twice in a month is a pretty crazy turn of events.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 365 - Newt Year, New You

At last, at last it has come to an end,
One year has ended, another begins.
I finished the journey of tasks to be done,
It seemed never ending, but we are on the last one.
A Party, a party to finish it all,
To celebrate my new self, the dropping of a ball.

We rang in the New Year with a party of close friends last night and thus the final task is complete. I completed(mostly) my 364 tasks in my amphibiously glorious fashion and to celebrate the accomplishment, my final task was to throw a New Year, New You party. We drank champagne, ate finger foods, lit a fire, and had sparklers and roman candles for the front yard as we welcomed in the year of the Tiger(2010).

And with this I come to a close on the experiment that was This Book Will Change Your Life. My first post on this can be read here but I decided to look back on it and see what I really wanted to do with this thing.

"I am going to do my damnedest to finish this experiment": That was apparent and easily my proudest part of the entire trip.

"you should see at least one new blog a day chronicling what the hell this book is telling me to do": In total there are now 372 different posts about this project so that seems to have been done. I might not have been daily but I covered every day.

"adding crazy shit into your life...and I am going to do it.": Mission accomplished

One unsaid thing that I set out to do was to entertain more people than I originally was. I was a lazy blogger at the time of this experiment and thought this would be a good way to force me into a habit of writing. I won't say I always wrote well, I never had perfect spelling, and my grammar could always use some work but I got into a routine of writing something almost everyday.

And I made friends, wonderful friends from all across the globe. I can't even begin to say how awesome that part of this was. It was something wholly unexpected and amazing to be able to say and I hope that part doesn't go away when I slow my blogging down. I especially want to think Kate, who hasn't been around lately but toward the beginning of this really promoted me when she didn't have to and got me integrated into what has come to be a community of people.

There was no way I could have guessed how difficult this would actually be. I kept it secret from my coworkers, I put myself in ridiculous situations, and I challenged myself to be and do things I would never have thought possible.

I think the biggest question I get from friends is, "Did it change your life?" The short answer is "Yes" but the all encompassing answer is more of a "sort of". No, I normally wouldn't have given myself an enema or eat unfamiliar foods but I never doubted I could do those things if I needed to.

I think the things that changed me the most were the ones that affected the world around me. The adventures in losing senses were eye opening, not talking showed me that when people think you are deaf they go out of their way to help and giving a homeless guy a $20 makes you just a little bit less cynical about the world. The biggest thing is the achievement of doing something that seems impossible one day at a time.

I won't be doing a sequel to this book, though there is more than one. I don't think it would be fair to me or my wife to put either of us through this again. I do want to continue with some recurring things and I am working on ideas for those but the daily thing is done for now. I am going to revel in my first day of task-free bliss and say...

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 364 - Bye Bye Bookie

Yesterday was hard. I have held off doing this particular task until the end of this silly experiment but last night was time.

Back around Day 260 I was supposed to leave The Book in a public place and see if it came back to me. I guess in theory someone would find it, find my name and number in the front of the book and then call me. But, I waited on this because if it didn't come back quickly, or at all, then I would be without it to complete it and I wanted to finish the thing.

So, last night I bit the bullet and got rid of The Book. No, you didn't read that wrong, I no longer have The Book in my possession. Here is what I did.

First, I went to the day I was supposed to do this task, I think it was 262, and wrote a letter into the page.(see below)



Then, I wrote an additional letter in the front page of the book. So, when someone opened it, this is the first thing they would see. It stated that the book they hold was a year of my life and I would like it back. It contained my name and number in large print.

Diana and I then took it to the same Half Price Books that it was purchased from on January 1, 2009 and put it back on the shelf next to an unused copy. She snuck it in inside her purse and, like spies, we slyly placed it. My opy is the one on the right. I thought it very 'Circle of Life' to put it back where I got it.


Someone may buy it without realizing or they may just see a fully completed copy and buy it just to see how things went. I don't know. An employee may open it since it doesn't have a price and call me to come get it.

I feel a weight off of me. I finish the entire experiment on December 31st with my last task and it has been crazy. I will be disappointed if no one calls me about my copy. Maybe I will get it back one day and maybe I won't but either way I will have finished this thing and you guys have come along with me so thank you.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 363 - Calling in Sick

So, I was supposed to hand deliver all of my emails on Tuesday but I got crazy sick and was only able to work for about 2 hours. In that time I had no emails to deliver that weren't to another city or person at another building. I think my coworkers were avoiding me or something.

I puked at work and decided enough was enough and went home. I spent the remainder of the day curled up on the futon in a dark room, only coming out to get water and eat an occasional slice of bread to put something in my stomach. It was not pleasant.

So, no task completed today on account of sickness.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 362 - Swap me

Do you think you could do a co-workers job? Could they do yours? Well, I was tasked with finding out and today has been hellish.

Before I begin, I have an announcement to make. I got a new job within my company that will be starting after the new year. With it comes the opportunity to travel the country and do something challenging and completely different. I am now half training my replacement which lead to the task being much easier as no one at work knows about The Book.

To add to this a different coworker is on vacation this week and so I am covering for him while he is gone. This too helps the task for the day.

So, I have someone training to do my job and I am doing someone else's and it is tiring. I have been juggling shipping jobs for someone, which isn't something I normally do, as well as managing the call center the guy on vacation is in charge of. All of this is going on while trying to fit in minutes of training for my replacement. Oh, and I am starting to work on my new job duties too. Ahhhh!!!

I am ready for the day to end.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 361 - Tic, Tac, No

"Challenge everyone you meet to a game of Tic-Tac-To." Is 'meet' open to interpretation? I hope so because I only challenged one person to a game yesterday and that was Erin. We drove home from Midland yesterday so most of the day was spent with one of two kinds of people:

Relatives
Wife

Guess what? I already knew all of them so I didn't meet anyone new. Erin met us in Dallas and is staying with us for the week so when we all settled down, I was able to pull out a pad and ask to play a game of Tic-Tac-To. We tied, because as Erin stated, "We are two intelligent people". I am not sure if that is why but I will take it.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 360 - Cham-pag-ne

I was drunk by noon yesterday. I was tasked with drinking nothing but champagne all day yesterday and after getting up around 10, opened a bottle of $5 Cold Duck and drank the entire thing. Maybe drunk was too strong a word, more like tipsy. I went and got some burritos to fill me up and took a nap.

At 3 p.m. I was up again and uncomfortable. I am not one for napping and yesterday's endeavor just made my neck hurt and my head ache. No, I don't think the champagne had anything to do with it. I opened a bottle of dry something that I had bought and had a glass to wet my whistle.

My headache wouldn't go away and I had to relent and drink a glass of water. I think I was slightly dehydrated and didn't want to risk it getting worse. I had to get out of the house around 5 so I left my mother-in-laws and headed to my parents to visit.

One thing about me that you may realize is I can't sit still for long. I usually get up and move around, go find some work to be done, or just go to a store and walk around. I hate just sitting in front of a TV all day and during holidays that seems to be what happens the most and I am constantly bored. Last night, after finishing off the second bottle of champagne, I got just that: bored. I fidgeted a while and started to get hungry so while my wife's family sat around watching a football bowl game, I gave up and headed to get nachos and read. By this time it was 10 p.m. and I was dying for an ice tea and that is exactly what I had.

Champagne isn't the worst thing to have to drink all day but I wasn't really in the mood for alcohol. The problem was I had to do this task today because as you may have noticed, we are winding down on the number of days left for tasks and knowing what was left and my work schedule, I knew I had yesterday as the only day available to drink unrestrained.

5 more days of tasks left and we will close The Book forever. Whooo hoooo!

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 359 - Sketchy

So, Christmas was an eventful day. After opening presents with Diana's family, Diana set out to bake a Pumpkin Pie. My task for the day was to sketch someone opposite me on public transportation but since it was Christmas and I was in a small town with little public transport, I decided to just sketch her baking a pie. It is as rare an occurrence as me riding public transportation anyway.

I am not an artist by trade so please understand that this image is not very good. I haven't sketched in years.

The bubble above her head says,"My Pie!". This is due to the fact that Diana got her pie ready to go in the oven the pie tin collapsed on her and spilled all over the oven. The entire series of events is worthy of its own post and once I figure out who is writing it, it will be posted on either mine, or my wife's blog.

I forgot how hard sketching something can be. I used to have a minute amount of talent with pencil and paper when I was younger and did well in my art classes in high school. I think I wouldn't pass now.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 358 - Hot Spot

I increased my tolerance for hot food yesterday with some experimentation in Tabasco Sauce. Before opening our presents last night, we were sitting around and I went to refill my drink. I opened up the fridge and saw the bottle of Tabasco and without waiting to regret my decision, I poured about 6 spurts of sauce on my tongue and let it settle until I couldn't take it anymore.

My tongue caught fire and I rushed to the glass of ice tea that was waiting for me. It didn't do too much to eradicate the heat but it did help the transition as my tongue settled. I am not one for spicy food so this is one of those things where increasing tolerance meant building one to begin with.

My father gave me a chocolate bar with bacon mixed into it and I was trying to taste it but my tongue wasn't letting me savor the flavor. I still am not sure exactly the taste of it but I have some left so I will find out later.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 357 - Poor Old Man

Imagine being this guy:

Well, it is another year and I am spending Christmas all alone again. I got this stupid pink Snuggie from my son. That son of a bitch just doesn't have any sense. They put me in this "Assisted Living" facility and think once I am here they can just call once in a while and I will be happy. I don't have alzheimers, for God's sakes. I remember that they forget about me.

If my saint of a wife hadn't gone and died on me, I think this would be more tolerable. It is being alone that is killer. Sure, the daily card games make the time pass, and the library shuttle gets me a consistent supply of reading material but I want more. Why do the holiday's make things worse? What does the birth of a kid 2000 years ago have to do with making me long to see my grandkids? I think the cafeteria is serving some sort of holiday meal. I just hope they have gingerbread men. I like to bite the heads off and put them back on the plate.


Merry Christmas everyone. Tell your old people you love them.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 356 - The Write Off

My cousin Brian is the biggest Dick-head I know, and I know a lot of dick heads. Wait, that came out wrong. Anyway, for today's task I was to disinherit a relative and since my Granny died a few years ago, I think now it is safe to just pull up the tax return of life and write that bastard off completely.

You see, Brian was born as a giant douche. He got it from his father from what I can tell and as long as I have known him, he has never been pleasant, cordial or nice. He dips tobacco and leaves his spit cups around, he uses his family to get what he wants.

My main reason for disliking him so much is because of my Granny. When I was young, say 3 or 4, he was around quite a bit. She loved him so much and he ate it up and probably loved her back. However, as he got older, he let his relationship slide with her, can't say that doesn't happen from time to time but I think it made her sad. We were working in the yard one day, I used to help her weed her flower beds, and I said something like, "Granny, I love you and will never leave you". She came back with something to the affect of, "Oh, you'll leave me sometime and get busy and forget your old Granny, just like Brian did."

I was floored. How could she think I would ever do such a thing? She had Dr. Pepper and Ice Cream and all of my Legos were at her house. Plus, I loved sitting in her lap and watching Crooke and Chase on the Nashville network with her. I was so insulted. I said, "Granny, I could never do that. I love you too much and I will never leave." I don't think she believed me.

I count that as a defining moment in my life because I think it was one of the first times I realized what Loyalty was. I kept my promise to my Granny and even through college I would call her at least once a week and visit her every chance I could when I came home. When she died I was there to bury her ashes, even though it required flying to Alabama.

We had a viewing before her cremation and even though Brian did show up, he refused to look at the body. Some people said he didn't handle death well but I like to think it was shame for not being a better grandson. I haven't spoken to him since she died and honestly don't expect to unless he needed a kidney or something. I feel shame to think that he is my blood and the idea of disowning him doesn't make me feel anything. When you can't even muster any emotion for a person is when you know you don't care about that person anymore.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 355 - Kama Sutures

I don't normally bring my sex life into this blog but The Book decided it was necessary. We packed the car for our drive to Midland last night and before I put The Book in, I opened up the task for today, handed it to Diana, and said, "Pick One". No, she wasn't picking my task, but instead picking the way that it was done.

You see, yesterday was Kama Sutra Day and the makers of This Book Will Change Your Life were kind enough to give me a task I would love to do. There were about 15 different positions available on the page and Diana and I had a good time looking through them. Most I had to describe how they would work and I have to say, a few looked down right impossible for anyone but a ninja to be able to pull off. We settled on the one below and I filed The Book away.


I won't go into too many details but after warming up we attempted this thing to hilarious results. I am 6 feet tall, my wife is 5'7 or so. Our anatomy doesn't line up when we stand or apparently when we kneel so attempting this was tricky. They might has well have named this 'Just the Tip' because that is about all that was achievable. After about 30 seconds of trying to figure out where are legs should go and what the hell we were supposed to do, we both started laughing so hard that we pretty much just fell over and gave up.

At least now I don't feel like my $.26 went to waste.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 354 - Carvings

I put my initials in my neighbors tree today. It was my task to carve something into a tree and TV really fits well and is easy to carve so I went with it. I nonchalantly walked down the street and quickly stopped and pulled out a tiny screwdriver and popped them into the bark.

I supposed if the tree sheds or he goes out there and takes the bark off then my initials won't last long but they are there for now and that is all I can hope for.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 353 - Can I have your Autograph?

Imagine you are book hunting and pick up a book to find that the author's signature is in the front cover. "OMG!" you exclaim. This must be some mistake. How could I be so lucky as to have found a signed copy for dirt cheap?

That would be my doing.

While working at the comic book store today, I reached into the 10 cent comic boxes and grabbed a few of the shittiest issues I could find and signed them with a Sharpie. I put the writers name in as if it was a signed copy and placed it back in the box. The damage done was minimal and may even give someone a rush of excitement that they would never have achieved had I not done this.

Was it wrong of me to deface these books? Maybe. But that was my task and I thought doing about .30 worth of damage was better than defacing hardbacks at the local Borders.

I hope these don't end up on ebay or I will feel bad.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 352 - 26 cents and I still felt ripped off

I got drunk last night at a happy hour. I admit it. By 8 pm I was belligerently asking the waitress questions that I thought charming and had a great buzz going that lasted for a while. We went to the Flying Saucer to celebrate a friend passing her CPA exam and I got tipsy. We switched bars around 9 and I got mega hungry and decided to ditch the group and go to Chipotle for a burrito (I walked so don't think I drove drunk or anything).

Anyhow, after sobering up and eating a massive burrito I headed home. Diana was in a separate car and had to run an errand before meeting me at the house and by the time she got home I was verging on unconscious. The problem with that was my task, I hadn't forgotten to do it, I just needed her cooperation to get it done.

You see, I was supposed to join the many men who have paid for sex by... well, doing just that. I am not adverse to paying for sex if it is worth the money. In this day and age it almost seems like spending money on dinners and drinks for some ever changing amount of dates before sex takes place is just silly and if someone is willing to trade some tang for some cha-chang (This line strikes me as genius and I am going to get that trademarked) then more power to them.

I wasn't sure I was up for anything last night but thought I would try for the sake of The Book so when I got home, I checked the mail, got ready for bed, and went hunting for some cash to pay my lady of the night. I don't carry cash so I was literally counting change to see what it would get me. I found a quarter and a Canadian penny that for some reason was sitting in my change cup and deposited them on top of Diana's book on her bedside table. Then I slipped under the covers and tried to read...for about 20 seconds.

The next thing I know I am waking up to Diana coming home. In my daze I did hear her ask, "Is this my money to have sex with you?" I grumbled "Yes" and I have a feeling it didn't sound as sexy coming out of my mouth as it did in my head. So, I paid for sex last night and like many nights when I have been drinking, I didn't have any.

I don't know what is worse, the fact that I put money down for sexual favors and didn't get any or the fact that my wife didn't seem upset that I only offered 26 cents.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 351 - Red Sock, White Sock, Kickball, Tacky Shirt

Yesterday was our final game in the regular season of Kickball and The Good, The Bad and The Ballzy took on Kick Balls, Not Puppies. Sadly we lost in the final inning when a bad call got us out on second. It was in contention but was given to the other team and cost us the win at 5-6. No matter, we still had fun and I made it all the way to 3rd before being tagged out on a run home.

Along with kickball, we all wore tacky sweaters/shirts and this gave me the opportunity to complete a task. I was supposed to 'Out' myself as a This Book Will Change Your Life participant by wearing one red sock. Anyone who had done The Book would recognize my signal and know I was in the Brotherhood and come talk to me.

While this didn't happen, our Christmas theme was the perfect opportunity to wear a red sock without the normal people wondering why. So, I put on one red and one white sock and before the game started, I tucked my jeans into them and played the game with my red sock visible to all.

I went out to the bar after the game and played some Foosball and the entire time I kept my sock exposed. It was very festive. No one approached me so there must not have been any other Bookies in the bar or on the field. Such a shame too because I really would like to meet someone else that has gone through this.

14 days to go.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 350 - Mason mania

I was supposed to join the Freemasons yesterday. The Book had a form and everything. 2 problems with this. First, you had to have 2 Masons recommend you for entry, and two, Masons are F-ing crazy and I am afraid of them.

They are a secret society of people that don't let anyone into their inner circle. It is like Scientology except older. I have always been fearful of them and their ways. I saw Skulls with Joshua Jackson and I don't want to get involved with that crazy crap.

Another issue I have, and probably a reason they would deny my membership is that they have a constitutional declaration of belief in a the Supreme Being. I do not. I can see how that would go.

"Newt, do you claim allegiance to the Supreme Being?"
"erm...No, not really. Can I take a bench on that topic?"
"What?! No! You must pledge allegiance."
"To the Flag? I can do the Flag."
"No, get out of my sight."
"Toodles"

It wouldn't be pretty.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 349 - Timber

I was supposed to cut down a tree yesterday. Can you believe that? Like I can do that. I don't have an axe, a flannel shirt, or boots. And there is not tree I could cut that would not end up with me in jail for destruction of public property.

Since I am a fat ass I turned this into an exercise in food. Below is one of my seasonal favorites, Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes. They come in vanilla and chocolate and are freaking awesome. Notice they are trees? Good, otherwise I would have to disown you as readers.
I might not be able to swing an awe but if you hand me a box of these I will be your Paul Bunyan. I don't have a blue ox but I have a Babe named Diana. When I threw a tree on her lap I think she got more pleasure than I usually give her. We both ended up eating two of these, one chocolate and one vanilla a piece, before the night was over.

I was mad at myself for not yelling "Tiiimmmmbbbeeeerrrr!!!!" after eating each one though.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 348 - $20 for some chicken

I pulled a $20 out of the ATM today for my task. You see, there is this elaborate story on today's task about a man who gives a homeless person $20 and through a series of events is rewarded 100 fold because of it. Thus I was to give a homeless person a $20 and see what happens.

I went at lunch to find a homeless person. If you have ever hunted the homeless I will be placing a call to the proper authorities to report you. I, on the other hand, was out HARMLESSLY tracking the homeless today and was coming up with very little in the way of prey.

I first went to the local corner but there was no one to be found. I then checked the other three corners but they too were empty. I considered checking under a bridge but it was warm in Dallas today and seemed more likely to find them not home. The Whataburger I frequent has its fair share of vagabonds and I even went by there at both breakfast (I didn't eat) and lunch (again I didn't eat) but none were to be found.

Finally I hit a corner I knew to frequent the homeless population and struck gold. More like black gold actually as this particular homeless person was black. He wasn't as downtrodden as some I have seen but since 'beggars can't be choosers' I didn't feel right being choosy about my beggar. I pulled up to the corner he was at and flagged him over.

He was jovial as I held the money out the window and he jogged over. His sign read "Grub" which I took to mean he wanted some because being homeless and having the name Grub seemed to much bad karma for one person to be plagued with. He reached for the money and I said "Merry Christmas". He took it and then recognition hit his eyes as he realized the value. He said "Thanks. Now I can get some food" and darted across the street and headed to the local Church's Chicken.

The irony that a black man went straight to a chicken place made me laugh and also feel slightly racist. However the feeling of doing a good deed overcame it and put a smile on my face. I suppose I will now wait for my karmic rewards.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 347 - Is anyone there?

Did you call me yesterday? Well if you did I didn't answer. In fact, I didn't answer the telephone at all yesterday. If anyone called I wouldn't have anyway. It turns out it isn't difficult to ignore phone calls when you don't get them.

Is it pathetic that no one thought, "I should call Trinity on Sunday"? Maybe a little but I don't really use the phone that much. I got an iPhone and only got that cause it was cool and had mobile Internet. It had nothing to do with the phone per se.

If I am absolutely honest, I spent all day with Diana yesterday and kept meaning to check my task but didn't get around to it until 6 or so and by then it was just coincidence that I hadn't had a phone call. As I told Diana, "Yeah for accidentally completely my task today".

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 346 - Speech! Speech!

I made a speech on Saturday. It wasn't an especially moving speech or a rousing one but on the way home from an awesome Sister Hazel concert, Diana and I were discussing stuff and I took control.

We had been in a discussion about some personal things that I won't go into on here, nothing bad, and I made a clear and concise speech about what I thought we should do and all of the reasons behind my thinking. I pointed out what I thought was the right way to go about it and after some consideration, she agreed with me.

How is that for speechifying?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 345 - Old Age

I am 27 years old and hope to retire from real work when I get to about 65 or so. A few years back, Diana and I decided this and moved forward with some investing that we decided we needed to do to get us to the place where we could retire in style and not have to work forever. I tell you all of this because for today's task I was supposed to plan for old age.

I wonder what old age will be like. I am going to guess my house will be paid off by age 65 so we will just have to have money for fuel cells for our flying cars and for the space travel expeditions we will go on. I bet Jupiter is lovely this time of year.

I am going to bank on having a personal teleporter because I really think someone will figure that technology out in 40 years. Also, I am going to guess I will be able to have extra appendages added to my body so I can have the prehensile tail I have always wanted. Now your thinking, "a 65 year old man with a monkey tail sounds pretty gruesome" but I am looking forward to it so you can just take you gene-splicing prejudice and stuff it.

I figure I will live to at least 90 so having 25 years off is going to get old pretty quickly. If jobs aren't completely outsourced to India by 2047 then I can get a job for a few hours a week that will be for the best. Having me get bored is usually a bad idea. If not, I suppose I could always just sit all day and read my comics because by that point I will probably have so obscene an amount that it will be dangerous.

All in all I think old age will be pretty cool.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 344 - Naval digging

Holy Hell it was cold yesterday. It was Thursday yesterday and that meant another round of kickball. I was asked to line ref the game before ours so I showed up around 7 and thourougly regretted it. I don't know the actual temperature that we hit yesterday but I would guess it was in the 30s and even though I tried to dress warm, I didn't do well and thought I might loose my toe to frostbite. Our team won its game against the Hamburglers though so we are on a three game win streak.

As for my task, I was to collect my belly button lint and send it in to the Benrik Corporation to help make a sweater for a dog they had photographed and placed in The Book. I hope by now he already has a sweater but there is a small envelope on my desk that is headed to NYC with two small wads of lint from yesterday. I excavated the second helping before getting into bed and all I can say is, "My belly button lint is blue". Not sure what that is about.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 343 - Pine-ing

I didn't find this stupid tree so I don't get $1000. I could have used it too.

That is all,

Newt

p.s. Ignore that the task is for day 344. I had to rearrange.

TBWCYL Day 342 - Let me get that for you

Who says chivalry is dead? Oh wait, I meant chauvinism. I got to pretend yesterday that I was living in the 50's, where men were men and women didn't count. Sure, they had a few perks but lets face it, they weren't thought much of, and that is the way I like it.

I was kind to women most of the day, opening doors, taking a cart off of their hands at the store so they wouldn't have to walk them back, etc. But when I got home, that is when the real fun began. I put my wife in her place. "Cook me dinner woman!" was yelled; "Bring me a beer" exclaimed. She was my servant, the way God intended her to be. When she talked, I made sure she knew how stupid her ideas were. You don't want them getting any ideas about 'Girl Power' or any of that shit.*

What a good day,

That is all,

Newt

*Actually, yesterday consisted of me coming home to an empty house and warming up chili until 9 when Diana finally came home and we watched "So You Think You Can Dance". I was polite enough to control the remote and fast forward through all the commercials. It is hard to boss someone around who isn't there.

TBWCYL Day 341 - Butter makes it better

I was supposed to do something kinky yesterday. I made that the first sentence because after that it is on your head if you read anymore of this post.

My wife was running late last night and didn't end up getting home until after 8. She is out of commission at the moment so using her in my kinky act seemed unlikely so I determined I was going to have to manage with things myself.

I have been trying to get in the Christmas spirit and part of that has been with cooking. I feel like when you cook it warms your house and a warm home is one of the things I associate heavily with Christmas. Last night for my culinary endeavor I decided to mix butter and brown sugar into a paste and drizzle it on almonds and pecans and roast them so I could take them to work. After getting them in the oven I decided to complete my task.

So, the kinky thing I did...well I rubbed one out with butter on my hands. Now I didn't use a stick of butter or anything but after I got finished coating my nuts I just didn't wash my hands. So there was butter on my fingers and I thought, 'What the hell'.

My nuts turned out well.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 340 - Meat me in St. Louis

I have a bad feeling I will regret yesterday. I was tasked with being a carnivore and was allowed to only eat red meat yesterday. No veggies, no bread, no sweets. I had to adjust this a little by saying, "Only Eat Meat" because I couldn't make breakfast without it.

I went to the store around 9 a.m. to grab eggs and bacon. I cooked it up and probably ate about 10 slices when all was said and done. I am sure that won't backfire on me.

After running around all day I started to get hungry and we were at Target so I bought some beef jerky and dove into it once we hit the car. Diana hates the smell of beef jerky but she fought through it. I however love the stuff and could eat it all day. She said, "What flavor is that?" and all I had to say back was "Beef".

While at the store during the morning, I also bought 2 steaks and since it is cold here, I decided to broil them. They turned out decent enough so for dinner I had steak. Just steak. No potato or green beans. Just steak.

God I wanted a piece of bread. How those Atkin's Diet people do it I will never know.

Funny story. We only ate one steak so at 9 p.m. last night I took a knife and went to town on the other cooked slab of beef and cut it into tiny slices. I headed back to the store to get everything for chili and came home to start it up. I decided I would leave it simmering overnight and then finish cooking it after work today.

I started cutting the onions and halfway through I was balling my eyes out. This was the most pungent onion I had ever cut into. After suffering through it I moved onto two very small jalapenos. I seeded them and chopped them and put them in. When I was done I washed my hands and sat down to read while my chili was simmering.

I pick my nose a lot. If I feel something stuck in there I act like a three year old and dig until I can't dig anymore. Apparently I didn't get my fingers clean after cutting the jalapenos because as I was reading a comic and winding down, I started an excavation project and about 2 minutes later, my nostrils were on fire. Have you ever had a burning sensation inside your nasal cavity? It hurts.

I was running around trying to clean it out with a wet paper towel and Diana was laughing at me when I asked, "What do you do to stop the burning?" Diana said, "Put bread on it, the carbs stop the burning" and I was desperate so I ran to the breadbox and pulled out a slice of Wheat and ripped two wads off and shoved them up my nose. I'll be damned if it didn't work.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 339 - He does exist!

Christmas is upon us and with it means Santa is just around the bend. I have already seen him at multiple stores with little snot nosed virus vessels sitting on his lap. I enjoy Christmas alright but haven't had the gusto for it that I did when I first started life. I think that every year it looses a little of its fun. I think once we start having children things might be different but until that far off day arrives I will just have to enjoy the little things about Christmas.

One of my favorite little things is how blindly children believe in Santa and I support that belief whole heartily. It came in handy today because I was supposed to convince a child that Santa does exist. I had to work at the comic book store yesterday so I thought I would get plenty of chances to ask kids if they were excited for Santa's visit because I figured I would either get a big "YES" or a " Santa isn't real" to which I would lay the "truth" on them and set them back on the path of belief.

That didn't happen. Not one kid was in that could talk so logically I didn't get to try. But I still had time and we went to 'ICE' at the Gaylord Texan here in Dallas. ICE is an interesting thing. This giant resort takes their convention center and closes part of it off. Then they bring some Chinese people in from somewhere in China and set up tents and build ice sculptures and paint them or dye them to the right color and you get to walk through and see it. The room is kept at between 9 and 14 degrees so you are issued a parka before walking in the door.

This year's theme was "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and so all the sculptures were scenes from the book. My wife will surely post about it so if you want to see pictures, get to her blog. Anyway, we were taking a 4 year old with us which I figured was a perfect target. That little brat was not good to use because she had mood swings from super happy to crying to grouchy all in the space of 10 seconds. I kept trying to ask her but she just stuck her tongue out at me. I never did get an answer from her.

I had a few good arguments for Santa's existence that I didn't get to use.

1: If he didn't exist then how come all of these people believe and you don't? (Kids don't understand commercialism)
2: I know Santa exists because I caught him once putting presents under my tree. (I would then make up an elaborate story about how I came out of my room because I set a trap for Santa and caught him. I had to free him and he told me that what I did was naughty but he still gave me the Ninja Turtle I wanted.)
3. He does so. Nya Nya. (And I stick my tongue out at them.)

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 338 - Rainbow chaser

I was supposed to dig at the end of a rainbow yesterday but I couldn't find one. You would think the makers of this book would have had some forethought to say, "We should only make tasks that are achievable". I thought I might stumble across a fake one on the street and I would just dig at it but I couldn't find one.

I feel like the last of the tasks are less interesting than the beginning ones. I haven't had tasks the level of 'give yourself an enema' or 'don't talk all day'. I honestly feel the days winding down and can't wait until January 1st when I don't have to remember to check my book before I leave the house so I can figure out what I have to do for the day.

That is all,

Newt

Busted - A Post about being a nerd and a compulsive shopper

I think I made a grave error in judgement. Remember a few weeks ago when I was helping my coworker find a comic related gift for his nephew? Well, that kind of backfired on me. It started innocently enough. I got on ebay to look for something for his nephew and found a few things. If you haven't ebayed before you might not realize this, but sellers ususally sell more than one thing. It is old hat that when you are buying something from a seller that you usually just check out his or her other auctions to see what else they are selling so if you are interested you can buy more and save on the shipping.

All in all this is usually a good idea but when you are Newt the Wonder Frog, things can turn a little froggy and that is when you know you are in a bad place. I found an auction for him and did just as I said, checking the other availible items when I came across this beauty.

Meet the Mole Man. He is a Fantastic Four villian and was only $9.99. How could I turn it down? Well, I couldn't and this was the match that lit the dynamite that ended with me finding over $300 in mini-busts from three different sellers and a huge drop in my personal spending. Below is the rest of my haul.

Mysterio

Rhino

Hobgoblin

The Lizard

Kraven the Hunter

Morbius the Living Vampire

Black Cat

The Vulture

Sandman

Hulk - Grey Version

The Beast

Wolverine

Bucky the sidekick to Captain America

Yellowjacket

The Absorbing Man

I was so excited to put them up on display for my shelves, or most of them anyway. The Wonder Frog Sculpture Gallery now has a Fantastic Four and Spiderman display. The original Avengers exhibit has been retired for now.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 337 - Space, the Expensive Frontier

I was supposed to go to www.spaceadventures.com yesterday and sign up to go into space. After perusing the site I just have to say.

Are. You. F-ing. Crazy?

Go to that site and look around. Go on, I'll wait. Did you see that shit? Who has $9,700 for Centrifuge training? Or $89,000 for Cosmonaut training? I mean really. And the guy who founded Cirque de Soleil apparently just went into space. Who does that? It would be cool, don't get me wrong, but I don't have that kind of cash.

I know space travel is getting cheaper and I can foresee one day when travel sites like Orbitz will be offering one way tickets to the moon but it sure as hell hasn't happened yet. Maybe in 40 years I can go up when I retire.

Damn!

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 336 - Wine-O

Howdy all. I am slightly tipsy and becoming a wine connoisseur at the moment. This was a task I could get behind. I was supposed to become a Wine Master by following these four steps.

I opened a bottle of Montes Classic Series 2008 Cabernet Sauvignon that was in my wine bar, I think I may have bought it on discount from somewhere, and poured myself a glass. It had an angel on the bottle and looked fancy.

Step 1: Swirl
I swirled the glass but it was really full so I didn't get the effect I was looking for. The color of the wine is a rich rouge and it has very little leg on it. Again that may be due to the size of the glass.

Step 2: Sniff
With my honker that isn't a problem. The smell is acidic in nature with a slightly subtle hint of rubbing alcohol to it.
Step 3: Taste
Wine in my mouth. Yep, that is wine. Just kidding. I took a sip and let the wine hit all parts of my tongue. The acid makes the tip tingle and the back of my throat burn. Clearly this was discount wine as it leaves my tongue with that burned feeling that makes you know your taste buds have met their match.

Step 4: Spit
Fuck That! I don't spit out alcohol and anyone who says you should is a stupid ass piece of poop that smells like patchouli and looks like Chelsea Clinton. Sorry, Chelsea. You aren't attractive.

Well, I guess I still have about half a bottle to finish off of this fantastic year in wine. I suppose I should have eaten something first but....zzzzzzzz.

TBWCYL Day 335 - If I was invisible

It is not easy becoming invisible. Unlike the movies, there is no elixir you can drink to make you see through. I was tasked with being as invisible as possible today and did my best to avoid people and make myself as unnoticeable as possible.

I started the process by avoiding carpool. I drove myself in and home so as not to talk to my coworker. My office has two doors and I shut one of them fully and the other partially to make people think I needed to be left alone which ended up working better than I thought possible.

We are in the middle of recruiting season which causes us to have to interview upcoming graduates pretty regularly and today was one of those days. Thus, I couldn't stay hidden all day. I had to participate in some of the interview process which blew my cover for invisibleness.

I went to lunch and huddled in the corner of the Subway and read with my back to the restaurant. When I was leaving I thought, "If the police came and asked if they anyone had seen me, the people would say 'no'" Mission accomplished!

I must have been doing something right because after lunch one of my coworkers came by my desk and asked, "Where have you been all day?" Pretty good huh?

The rest of the day I got pulled into a few things and didn't get the transparency I was looking for but I was still invisible enough throughout the day to feel like this is one in the win column.

That is all,

Newt