Movie Night with my new lady

Tonight, Hangie and I stayed in and watched a movie. Really, I watched and she just stayed at my side. She is so loyal. We watched 'Airplane', which was very funny. She didn't seem to get it though. I tried to ask her what was going on but she just told me to "Talk to the Hand." But that's what I was trying to do!

I persisted in asking her what was the matter and she gave me the finger. Sometimes it feels like such a job to communicate with Hangela; I didn't sign up for a Hang job but I guess that's what I get.(That's right, I did it. You all loved it and you know it.)

Hangela and I did make up though. After what felt like hand to hand combat, she finally realized she was being silly. She told me she felt like we were meant to be together, and we were.

That is all,

Newt

I'm cheating on Diana!

It's that time of year again. Diana has gone to L.A. (no, not Louisiana) and I am on my own again. This means that my yearly affair will start up again. The worse part of my indiscretion is that Diana knows the other woman. In fact, they keep in touch regularly.

I have known her for years. We have been off and on for a long time and in fact, she was my first. In times of need, I go to her. We go everywhere together. I have been carrying on behind Diana's back in our home while she is away. Honey, when you read this I just want you to know I love you.

My new girlfriend's name is...Hangela.

That is all,

Newt

"Not in the face, Not in the face"

Random thought. How many porn stars have been injured on the job? I can assume that there is the occasional broken bone(pun) and from time to time a VD, but I would like to bring to light something that I think plagues the porn industry: Eye problems.


"Why would they have eye problems?" you ask. Well, I have done extensive research in this area and have begrudgingly sat through many videos and determined that there has to be multiple semen/eye injuries. I actually sat down and tried to find a medical study on the number of causes of eye infection/blindness caused by bad aim and a happy ending, but couldn't locate any info on this. It has to exist.


It is a common occurrence for ejaculation to happen on someones face during a porn video. Also, semen can exit the body at a fast rate. You normally get between .5 to 1 teaspoon in volume, with an average of 3 to 10 spurts per event. These spurts happen every .8 seconds. Now, I don't know about you, but if someone were to shoot a water gun at my face every .8 seconds, I would be afraid to get blinded.


Also, I read that this can cause the clap in your eye. OWWWW!!! It seems like they must get a bonus for getting a facial or something. They should really issue safety goggles when they perform. Well, now that I have thoroughly disgusted the majority of my readers,


That is all,


Newt

When I grow up...

Do you remember in school when your teacher would make you write down what you wanted to be when you grow up? If so, are you what you wanted to be? I am currently not the owner of T-N-T Comics so I have fallen a little short on my original goal, but it's still in the mix. It has just been pushed back due to realism.

It seems kind of funny to think that we ask 8 year olds to choose a path. I know when I was 8, I had a ton of cool things going on but I wasn't sure where I would be working in 15 years. Maybe we should just all be assigned generic professions as babies. You know, "Trinity, you are on the path to being a concert pianist; Diana, you are going to grow up and become a grave digger; Thomas, you will become a male prostitute."

Who knows, maybe unemployment would be down because kids would automatically be prepared for a job and then we wouldn't need so many public servants while simultaneously having so many burger flippers.

I know this is stupid. That's the point. Kids change. Someone might want to be a nurse and then realize accountancy is a better choice(Diana). Hell, children shouldn't have to make those kinds of decisions so early in life. Not that its a bad idea to ask, just don't expect them to stick to it.
That is all,

Newt

Meatlifters

I recently read that meat is the number one item stolen by shoplifters. People go to the grocery store and put sausage next to their sausage, rump roast against their rumps. You can read the article here.

It seems the main perpetrators are women between the ages of 35 and 54. They go into the store with enough money to guy lower quality meats and then will steal the higher end stuff. One motivation is the meatlifters feeling that they 'deserve' the better meat and will take it.

Research indicates that they will steal the meat because they get gratification from eating the stolen item. Were they to take, say, a box of crackers the gratification is less than eating filet mignon. The best part is that grocers have no idea how to stop them. Some methods are too expensive while others would hinder the impulse buyer. No matter what they do, their mincemeat.

That is all,

Newt

Pan's Labrynth - A review

Have you ever found a movie that really changed the way you look at a genre? Something that mixed things that you would otherwise never put together, and do it in a way that made sense and told an awesome story? Well, Diana and I went to see a foreign film today by director Guillermo del Toro called Pan's Labyrinth.

It is set after the Spanish Civil War, following a young girl who discovers she is actually the princess of a magical kingdom. She must complete three tasks to open the doorway and enter her kingdom. All the while, a revolution is being fought around her as she must deal with her mothers dangerous pregnancy and a Stepfather who is Captain of the Spanish Army.

This story is not for the squeamish. The violence is on par with Pulp Fiction or, more recently, Sin City. It is a unique blend of Fantasy, Violence, and Tragedy. The story is really interesting and keeps you involved. Sadly, this is a limited release so you might just want to go add it to your Netflix. Unless you are in a large metropolitan area, you probably won't get to see this; and that is your loss. 5 Star movie.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. It is subtitled. If you can't read and watch a movie then don't even bother. Hopefully I don't know anyone like that, but you can never tell.

Has anyone seen a Turtle?

I have been meaning to post on this for a few days now. I was recently thinking about 'Saved by the Bell' and I realized that almost all of the original cast members from that awesome show have gone on to be celebrities. Zach stared in NYPD Blue, Slater hosted some stupid animal talent show and then Danced with the stars, Screech had a sex tape come out. I could go on and on but I now have to ask, "Where is Lisa Turtle?"



Does anyone know? She was the only black character on a predominately white show and after the last episode she vanished. First off, her name was Lark Voorhies. Did anyone know that? I was able to name every cast member but her. I IMDB'd her and she has had a couple of small roles but they were all in Black-esque TV shows. Why was her fame taken from her?

We should start a grass roots campaign to get Lark more roles. I mean, if Elizabeth Berkley can get a role dancing on a pole as a stripper, can't she?

That is all,

Newt

Is White always right?

So, I was sitting in the place where I do my best thinking, the toilet, and I thought of a question for the ages. Why does toilet paper only come in white? While I am sure that there has been the rare occasion where another color of toilet paper has been made, it is still a predominantly white product.

Now, I know that it is possible to make colored tissue. Kleenex offers tons of different makes and models for their brand of facial tissue. With the constant need for people to make things match, you would think that Charmin, Angel Soft or hell, Sam's Choice would have gotten on the ball with this and make some new choices.

I would really like to see someone come out with a plaid toilet paper. I would totally wipe my ass with plaid.

That is all,

Newt

Et tu Satchel Bag?

Well, apparently Hazel reads my blog because when I got home last night I smelled poo. A flower vase was knocked over and flowers were strung all over the house. The bathroom trash was dug out and I saw our back bedroom open. I opened the door and sitting on the floor was my Spider-man Satchel Bag covered in dog crap.

This wasn't one turd either. This was a large number of turds. I had to pick them up and it made a hand full. I couldn't believe it. Needless to say, she is being crated today as punishment. As for my satchel bag, it smells like poop and I don't know how to wash it.

That is all,

Newt

Not on my futon!!!

This morning, as I was getting ready to leave for work, I started walking around and closing all of the doors. I went into the bedroom where I keep my comic books, my Fortress of Solitude so to speak, when I happened upon something strange. Smack dab in the middle of my futon was a pile of dog crap.

I looked at Hazel, I knew it was her because after a certain point you can tell whose dog poop is whose, and she cowered. I have had to shit pretty badly, and at one point I even let a wet fart slip while in bed, but to conciously pop a squat on a sheeted futon just blew my mind. Luckily it came off without a stain and I was able to flush it but I couldn't get over the fact that my dog jumped up on my couch and let fly. Why not on the floor?

That is all,

Newt

Registration, it's the Law

Just like the Japanese in WWII, we went and registered today. Diana and I had loads of fun registering for all sorts of stuff that you, the masses, can now purchase for us at reasonable prices. We tried to keep everyone's finances in mind while aiming our little laser gun at all the barcodes.

We ran into two other couples who were also registering. Amazingly, it seems that if you give a man a laser gun, he will shoot it at you. One of the women, no not Diana, was having a hard time keeping her fiancee focused on the task at hand. I too was having trouble staying on task. I kept scanning Diana's boobs and saying "I need two of those."

You can click here to start buying us stuff. Hint, Hint. For those of you buying stuff online, please just mail it to us. We don't want to have to carry a ton of stuff home.

That is all,

Newt

Owls make me uncomfortable

I went to Hooters for lunch today and I have to say that eating there makes me uncomfortable. I would say that going to Hooters is the closest I have come to a strip club because I am paying to look at boobies. I rarely go eat there because of my discomfort. Normally, I get a waitress that is extremely well endowed (as was the case today) and I will try so hard not to look at her bulbous cleavage that I will immediately become self-conscious about it.

Then I spend the rest of my meal watching myself to make sure that I don't accidentally let my eyes stray. This is doubly ridiculous because the girls that work at Hooters are aware that their ta-ta's are the focus of the dining experience and have no problem with it.

Also, I cannot stand boob veins. They disgust me. If girl’s boobs are so big that a blue vein is visible in their cleavage, they shouldn't be visible. I just get a shiver of gross when I even think about it. They almost look like a tattoo.

Needless to say, my lunch was good but I just stared across the table at my coworkers or out a window. I think this is why I have never gone to a strip club. I just wouldn't feel comfortable staring at a girls love pillows as a past time. Not that I wouldn't look, I would just feel uncomfortable.
That is all,

Newt

I own it

Well, most of you know that Diana and I bought a house. Well, Saturday, we moved. To be more precise, two guys from Apple Moving moved us but lets not be picky. It was a long process but we are finally in our new home in Lewisville. This, along with traveling for Christmas, is the cause for my lack of posts. Sorry. I know how much you all missed them. I promise 2007 will bring you so many great posts that you will forgive me.

That is all,

Newt

Hangman

As many of you know, Saddam Hussein was hanged this weekend. I found this cartoon and just thought some of you would like it.

That is all,

Newt

The truth about Slander

Well, I think I hurt Thomas' feelings with my last post because he went and tried to be mean to me in revenge. Darn it if he just couldn't do it very well. I know everyone is on the edge of their seats wondering why I lashed out like I did. Well I will tell you.

Thomas won't come see me. Boo Hooooo!!!!

That's right, I wanted Thomas and Jess to come here for New Years so they could celebrate it in our brand new house and maybe help unpack. I mean, who wants to spend their New Years in Midland. There is nothing to do there aside from a bar, a bowling alley, and a drive in. So what if he already told people he would be there. Who cares if he doesn't get to see his family. I am talking about pleasing me. That is more important. I was going to find something so super awesome to do, but now I guess I don't have to now.

So Thomas, I sure hope sitting at home on New Years Eve is all kinds of fun because as you're doing it I would hate for you to regret going to Midland. I would hate to think you were sitting there, about to get ready for bed because no one came up with anything to do.

Merry Freakin' Christmas and a effin Happy New Year,

Newt

Slander

I am pretending to be annoyed with Thomas so I present to you The Slander of Thomas.

Thomas is a loser. He is so stupid he couldn't even get on the special bus. And have you smelled his breath? Whooo!!! I think he must have hypnotized Jessica into marrying him and I am still trying to figure out the secret word that will get her to wise up. I am fairly sure he always has Swamp Ass, at least that is the only explanation that I could come up with for his raunchy odor.

He is a raging hornball in real life. He goes around hooting and hollerin' at all the girls he sees. I think he slept with one of the Jacksons, though I can't tell if it was Micheal or LaToya because they look so similar. What is up with his kumquat fetish? There for a while he used to have them all over his room and I had to sleep downstairs when he really got going.

Finally, he never chews his food all the way. This may not seem that bad, but after he swallows he always asks "Did it go down?" and when you say yes he always replies "That's what she said." Oh, and I know for a fact that three cheerleaders in high school were rumored to be carrying his love children... and they all had the clap. You do the math.

Well, I guess that is enough bullsh...facts for today. Maybe next time, Thomas, you won't be such a loser.

Courage.

Newt

Can I be gay?!?

Do you ever wish you could be gay but just not have the sex? It seems like the perfect scenario. I watch 'How I Met Your Mother' and one of the guys loves those pink drinks w/fruit in them but he can't order them because he looks gay when he does it. So they go to a gay club and he gets to drink his drink without getting judged.

I will make some confessions now. First, I liked High School Musical. Yes I have the soundtrack and I secretly want to go see the show when it comes to Dallas. Yet I won't. I could definably get away with it if I were gay though. Also, I kind of like Celine Dion but I can only listen when she is on the radio(Or in private. Shh, don’t tell).

Also, if I could be gay without the sex, I would finally be able to dance. I think it is part of the gay gene. Another thing, I doubt I would have to ask Diana if my shirt and pants matched if I was gay. And when I go by myself to see 'The Devil Wears Prada' I won't be looked at funny.

Yep, I think being gay would be great as long as I could keep my poop shoot closed. I mean, I have a Hetero-life partner anyway. And yes, I am reading Sex in the City and I am enjoying it.

That is all,

Newt

So, How'd you meet?

I have recently been bombarded on the web with this website for a company called 'True'. There is always a picture of some really cute girl in a bikini or something like it and it says 'Live, Love, Learn'. It is always the sidebar for my Hotmail account and uses the same couple of girls over and over again.

After viewing this stupid ad for the umpteenth time I just have to ask, "Do dating sites work?" I have only met one person who has used one and she told me that it was awful. She was my neighbor in college and got in the rut of being a divorced thirty year old in Lubbock, Texas. After she told me she had used one, I think it was Match.com, she said all the guys on there were losers or were so far away that it was impossible to see them.

I hate to generalize people who use these sites because I am sure that they hold some value, but I just wonder how far down the dating ladder you are when you use them. I have to imagine that the people on these sites are introverts with very few options left to them. I, being an extrovert, have never had any real trouble meeting a woman so it is hard to put myself in the shoes of someone who logs on to eHarmony or True. To me, it seems like if you have exhausted your available pool of people, maybe it is time for a change in lifestyle.

If you are always sitting at home watching TV, maybe you should turn off the computer and go outside. If you live in a town where men or women aren't readily available, move. If you are the fat guy or girl living in your parents spare room, move out and go on a diet. Maybe this is harsh but its true. I have known so many people, ex. Tim Burleson, who never moved out of the house and got bigger and bigger while simultaneously loosing personal skills. He stayed in a dead end job at Albertsons and is more than likely never going to make anything of himself.

Again, a generalization, but if you are having trouble meeting someone, should you really turn to other people who are having the same trouble or instead go look for the people who are doing fine in that area and try to adapt. Really, if you aren't bringing anything to the table, no one will come to eat.

That is all,

Newt

What's up with Racists?

Has anyone noticed that there have been quite a few racial slurs by celebrities lately? First Michael Richards blows up on stage and yells the N word over and over from out of nowhere and then Andy Dick tries to make fun of it and it is so awkward that he ends up having to apologize.

Now, MSN is asking the question, “Were Rosie’s comments racist?” Is this some sort of celebrity epidemic where they see a racist and see how much press it gets so they jump on it and start spouting racial slurs? And should they apologize?

I don’t want it to sound like I support racism but clearly, if you feel that way then your apology is somewhat tainted. It’s not like Kramer was saying something and let the N word slip in there. He just kept yelling at them. Then he goes on TV and explains that it just started pouring out of him and he feels so ashamed.

Really? That is your excuse? If you’re racist then you’re racist. If you feel bad about it then maybe you should apologize but if you are a racist then you wouldn’t have a problem with what you said. None the less, celebrities need to keep their mouths shut.

That is all,

Newt

Savin' Money

As most of you know, we are buying a house. And this means we will need to start being more responsible with our money. Well, I like to be proactive so this morning I started considering ways to cut back and make things last longer.

While doing this I thought of one way to save water. The phrase "If it's Yellow let it mellow, if its Brown, flush it down" instantly popped into my noggin and I thought of how many flushes we really use just on pee.

Then my mind began to wander and I thought, "Does that work for the color blind?" Well, I assume it does but just in case I made up a colorless version of that lovable limerick.

"If it's water, let it sit. Only flush it when its..."

Well, you get the idea.

That is all,

Newt