To the Love of My Life

Recently, there has been an outpouring of Love on the blog-o-sphere and it has made me want to write how much I love Diana.

Diana,

I love you. You are the greatest thing in the world. Along with our two dogs, one of which is newer than the other, we have the greatest life ever. No, we don't have a house yet, but when we do our lives will only be better. I love everything about you...well, not necessarily everything, but the majority of things about you.

Not a day goes by where I don't love you more and more. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I can't say that I am content in our love. Why would you want to be when we can make it grow as time goes on. The love we share is everlasting and awesome.

It's weird to think that we have been shacking up for little over a year. It feels like we have been together for a thousand years, yet it has only been a few(which haven't really felt like that long but kinda were). We have lived together for over a year, not officially starting our lives as husband and wife, but we're close. I will make you an honest woman one day.

Love,

Newt

In conclusion to this sappy post, if you gagged or were in any way disgusted by reading this PDA on your PC, then you get an idea of how we felt when reading Thomas's latest post.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. Diana told me I had to write this

Peanut, Peanut Butter, Jelly

So, last week I went to the grocery store and decided to be adventurous. I bought all natural Peanut Butter. It comes in a glass bottle and the oil from the peanuts is sitting on top of the butter. And, after opening, you have to refrigerate this stuff.

I rushed home and snapped that lid off the jar. MMMMM!!! Peanuts. I got a big knife and began stirring the oil back down into the butter. I don't actually know if this was the correct action to take, but what the hey. The consistency of real PB is not the same as Jif. It is much creamier and not as thick. I bought crunchy so mine came with extra chopped nuts.

I smeared a big ole glob of it onto a couple of slices of wheat bread and dived in. What? It tastes bitter and grainy you say? That's right. I am an idiot because for some reason I thought that if you took real peanuts and smashed them into a paste that it would magically gain a sweetness. From where I have no idea.

I now know why Peanut Butter & Jelly are such a popular combination. Organic Peanut Butter is very tasty once you know what to expect. It is growing on me.

That is all,

Newt

Anxious

Before I left work today, I got told that a few people I work with were let go this afternoon. I actually work closely with two of the people laid off and was very surprised to hear about it. I have never been fired(I don't count the time I broke the Taco Villa sign) so when I heard about this it really shocked me.

You know that feeling you get when you just barely avoid a car accident or you are sitting in class and the teacher picks the guy next to you to answer a question you didn't know the answer to? That's the feeling I have. I almost feel like it could have been me or something.

It is very strange to have people that you just talked to all of a sudden no longer have a job. Plus, I didn't learn about it until it already happened which made it even more unbelievable. I guess I am lucky, or at least luckier than the people who got canned today.

That is all,

Newt

Oh, Oh, Oh, it’s Magic..

Diana, Erin and I went to see a local radio DJ/Comedian on Saturday at a restaurant called Dave and Busters named Dean Lewis. As part of his stand up he likes to do a couple of magic tricks. One of his tricks was as follows.

He took a clear plastic envelope and filled it with a bunch of cards with names on them. These were all his ex-girlfriends names and the cards were all folded in half. Also in the bag were three sticks of gum and a handful of copper and silver coins.

He began by taking the bag to a table and asking a girl to pull out one of the sticks of gum. She read the gum and it said it was Winterfresh. Her boyfriend then ate the piece to verify it. He then asked her to point to someone else in the audience and she pointed to a friend at her table. He asked the friend to pull another piece of gum out of the bag. She read this piece and ate it. It was Spearmint. He then asked girl #2 to point to another audience member and the girl pointed at ME!!

He came up to me and asked me to take the last piece of gum and then take a coin. I pulled the final stick and a penny. He then asked me to take one of the items and give it to another audience member. I gave the gum away. I was also asked to point to someone to have him or her pull a name out of the bag. This name was going to be ‘used’ though we didn’t know for what.

He continued walking around the back of the room and made three people pull names to verify that there were different names in the bag and he also had two guys pull coins.

Prior to this trick he had a small manila envelope that he had brought with him when he started his set. It had been on the table behind him the entire time he was on stage. He gave it to a girl in the front row at the beginning of the trick. After verifying that the names were random he asked the woman with the envelope onto the stage.

Myself and the two other guys holding coins, along with the guy who pulled the name were all standing. The guy with the name read the card he had drawn: ‘Rhonda’. The comedian then asked what coins the guys had, both were silver, as well as my copper coin. He also asked the guy I gave the gum to too open it and read what it said and then taste it. It was Juicy Fruit.
He pulled the envelope open and began to read. It was as follows:


That is all,

Newt

Phil Noto & Steven Rude

I had an interesting experience today. A couple of weeks ago I got an email saying that Steven Rude, a comic artist and writer who has written some really great stuff over the years, was going to be at Lone Star Comics in Dallas today. It was a signing that was 5-7 so I got online and ordered a few comics to get him to sign.

So, being the uber nerd that I am I took off work today at 4 to give myself enough time to get to the store and get in line early so I wouldn't be there all night. I arrived at 4:30 and no one was there. I asked one of the guys that worked there if the signing was today and he said yes. I was a little surprised that there was no one there but didn't worry to much about it because I was shooting for a sketch from Steven Rude and when there is a line, it is hard to get anything.

Then the clerk told me that they had also added Phil Noto (http://notoart.com) to the list but it was short notice. I was pissed. I didn't bring any of his stuff to get signed and wasn't happy. I did buy a Graphic Novel of his to get signed and thanks to my favorite cousin, Kristy, I got some online help that lead me to a cover of Captain Marvel Vol 5, issue 4.

The artists plane was late so they didn't actually arrive until 5:30 but even then it was only me and one other guy to meet the two of them. When they arrived I got introduced to the both of them and we actually had a small conversation. They sat at a table with some of their works on it and me and this other dude sat on the opposite side. For almost 2 hours I sat across from these two amazing artists and got to know them.

FYI, Steven Rude is a weird man. He is absolutely full of himself and at one point even said "I don't read new comics. I go back and read my old stuff because I know it is good." Phil Noto, however, is a laid back guy that was easy going and I could definitely see hanging out with.

I have never had a conversation with a comic artist and to have two of them all to myself was the ultimate. I got to hear how they got into comics and ended up with a load of stuff signed and two amazing pieces of art(only one was free). This made my day.

That is all,

Newt

The Breakdown

To finish off stories from this weekend I bring to you "The Breakdown."

My truck has been acting funny. On Sunday, Diana and I decided to go to lunch at Whataburger. As we got in the truck, I turned the key and this weird noise was made. It sounded something like a Locust in my ignition. However, the truck started.

It drove fine and we stopped for gas before heading to Whataburger. We went in and ate and lunch was just lovely. Then the trouble started. That noise that came from my truck, well it returned. I tried to start the car and every time I turned the key, a plague of Locust's started buzzing. The problem is it didn't turn over and we were stuck.

I am in no way a mechanic but to make it look like I was knowledgeable, I opened the hood and pretended to try to fix things. This involved periodically popping my head over the hood and telling Diana to turn the key. An older gentleman came up and told me that it sounded like my battery was dead and we played with the cables. He left so I did the only thing I could do. Diana and I walked to Wal-Mart and bought a new battery.

If you ever want to look White Trash, go take a walk with a battery in your arms. We got back to the car after walking three blocks and it was time to install the battery. Another little tidbit about your good buddy Newt, I only have two tools in my car; a flat head screwdriver and a monkey wrench that looks like it would be used to murder someone.

I used the wrench to get the battery cables undone and when I went to remove the battery, it wouldn't budge. At first I thought that the battery had attached itself to the casing, but upon further review it turns out that there is a block that keeps the battery in. The only wrench I had was way to big to get the nut off. We were stuck.

A guy came by and asked if we needed help and he had a toolbox. Yippee!!! Too bad none of his tools were the right size. He had a couple of wrenches that worked but they were too awkward to fit. After everything was said and done we had to walk over to the Target that is across the interstate and buy a set of wrenches.

In the end, we got the car started and I threw my arms up in celebration. The people leaving the parking lot laughed at us.

That is all,

Newt

I now respect Lee Ann Womack

If you read my last post (which of course you did, how could you not?) then you know I was at the Texas State Fair on Saturday. It was the last Saturday of the fair and to close it down they brought in Country Music sensation Lee Ann Womack for a free concert on the Chevy Main Stage.

Diana and I met up with a couple of friends of hers to watch the concert. I would never have paid to see this show, but as it was free I felt my time was not being wasted. I will preface this by saying that the concert was at 8:30 and it started to get both cold and windy right before she went on.

Mrs. Womack came out wearing a loose pink shirt and started singing. I started respecting her when a) I found out she is from Texas and b) she drank beer (I believe it was Shiner) in between songs. I also came to realize as she sang that she has a lot of hits under her belt.

She sang 'I May Hate Myself in the Morning', 'I Hope You Dance', 'A Little Past Little Rock', 'I'll Think of a Reason Later', and '(Now You See Me) Now You Don't'. She also sang a cover of 'You Don't Know Me' that was very good.

The wind picked up half way through the show and I expected her to give up and go in. This brings me to my second reason I now respect Lee Ann Womack. Instead of leaving, she made someone go grab her a sweater and she kept on trucking. She actually ended up singing for over an hour and it was an awesome show. If she came back I might actually throw down some money to watch her again.

This ends the Texas State Fair edition of the Lily Pad,

That is all,

Newt

My Fair Lady

I always say that I hate Fairs. I hate the high prices, the crowds, and the rigged games. Oh, and Carnies. I can't stand Carnies. They don't have teeth. It's like they can't go to the dentist because they are always traveling.

Yet Saturday, after work, Diana and I went to the State Fair of Texas. We searched out Big Tex, rode the Giant Ferris Wheel, and ate. That's right, we ate. I had a Corny Dog, some of Diana's Nachos, a Hot Dog, Funnel Cake, and Tornado Taters. Oh, and a Corn on the Cob. We also rode this tiny roller coaster that was more like something at Joyland.


They had a world famous Playing Card stacker that was building the Dallas Skyline out of cards in a glass room. You could watch him stack the cards and it was amazing. We also went on a tour of the Women's Museum and saw a History of Marilyn Monroe Exhibit. Keep in mind that this was after we had walked in the 5K that morning. My feet were killing me.

And that's not all,

Newt

Everbodys Walking for the Weekend

This was a busy weekend and for the next few posts I will tell you why.

I had to work Saturday. I went in at 5 a.m. and worked until Diana picked me up to got to the Dallas Chapter of the Susan G. Komen Walk for a Cure.

I think I may have stumbled across the best place ever to pick up women…The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer walk. I don't know the exact number but it was estimated that around 25,000 people were at Saturday's Walk and I can tell you that it was not a sausage fest. I would estimate that 90 to 90% of the people there were women.

Diana and I partook in this 5K walk and I am proud to say that I finished it in about an hour. As I was walking I could see how a single dude would clean up at this thing.

First, you have to wear pink. Women love pink...can't get enough of it. There drawn to in like moths to a flame.

Second, by doing this walk you look sensitive. Girls will assume that you a) walk for someone who has/had/died from Breast Cancer (and they love the guy they have to take care of) or b) you are sensitive to women's plight. Either way they dig it Baby!

Seriously though, it was very impressive to look directly in front of me and see a street completely packed with people. It was like a moving sea of heads. Many people had home made shirts for ones they have lost; others, just a piece of paper to say why they were there.

I was thoroughly tired by the end of it, and after breakfast I had to go back to work. Then there was...well I guess you will just have to read the next post.

That is all,

Newt

UPS Bingo

Well, Friday night I experienced something interesting. You know when UPS tries to deliver a package and you aren't home? They leave that little slip that says they attempted delivery and you can call it and tell them to hold the package at their pick-up. Well, we did the Komen Breast Cancer Walk this weekend and the shirts we were supposed to wear were being delivered by UPS. We weren't home when they were attempted delivery so Diana and I had to go to this UPS Delivery Center to get them. This is where the fun starts.

The store is only open from 8 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. When we got there, the line was very long. The doors hadn't opened yet so everyone was waiting. It felt like I was in line for concert tickets. As they opened the doors, I heard a woman yelling, "We will be calling out names and you must verify your address before picking up the package."

We all crammed into the UPS center and this little woman began looking at names on packages and screaming them out. If your name was called, you had to yell "Here" and they put your package in the line to get verified. Keep in mind that this is all done in a half hour.

People kept trickling in as we were standing there. Of course they saw the line for address verification and got into it. When Diana's name got called, she jumped in line and I stood by the door. Every time someone came in I just told them to stand to the side and wait for their name to be called.

This idiot from Best Buy's Geek Squad kept going, "Well this is great" and "What kind of system is this?". I wanted to ask him what his idea would be. Did he really want to be in a line where each person hands their slip over and a UPS person goes looking for the package? I was actually impressed with the inventiveness of the process. It was funny to see people get so excited to hear their name called.

That is all,

Newt

Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D

On Wednesday, I was at the comic book store and they had free passes to go see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D. I actually own this movie but they re-released it in selected theatres starting today and one of the KISS stations was putting on an advance screening.

So, last night Diana and I went. I have never watched a 3-D movie and it was an experience. It was similar to the 3-D rides at Six Flags & Universal Studios. Since the movie wasn't made to be 3-D it wasn't as impressive as some of the rides I have been on, but the definition was cool and there were certain scenes that popped out at you.

The best part is it was free. My eyes were hurting when it was all over and the glasses weren't the best. The frames were skewed. All in all, I wouldn't have been too disappointed if I hadn't seen it but it was still fun.

That is all,

Newt

Entering the Dreamscape

It's that time again. I had a dream last night that I thought I would share...

I walked over to the house next to my Granny's old house. The owner wasn't there and the house wasn't the actual house that is there in reality, but was a mansion. Inside, the man who lived there was dead. (How I knew that, I don't know). I went into his house and it became the next day. Someone came up and told me that he had no heirs and that I had just inherited this man's house.

The next thing I know, a nonprofit charity was setting up a garage sale to get rid of a lot of the junk in the garage. They came in and built shelves in the garage to put things on and began a garage sale for the charity.

Thomas and Jessica came by after the garage sale was finished and we decided to tour the house. Inside was this elaborate library, with bookshelves that went floor to ceiling. Every book imaginable was included on the shelves. They wrapped around the entire room. In the middle of the library were smaller display shelves. One large set of shelves had all pull out sleeves that contained DVDs. In fact, they were all of the DVDs ever made. We walked around finding globes, statues, and collectibles.

Thomas told me that he needed to go to a bookstore to buy some book and we left. We went to the bookstore and they didn't have what he needed. I looked at Thomas and said, "Why don't we just go back to my Library and if I have it, you can just take it."

We decided that it was the best idea. When we got back we discovered a couple sitting in my new kitchen. The woman was crying and looking at a piece of paper. I walked up and asked who they were and the woman said, "This is my father's house and you have stolen all of his things." I looked and she was right. All of the stuff was gone. A door was broken in the library and all of the books, DVDs and statues were missing.

The woman told me, "You owe me $65,000." Then I woke up.

This goes to show you that I will never be rich because someone will always take it away from me.

That is all...and isn't that sad,

Newt

Candy Bar Lines

So here is an interesting question. I was eating a miniature Snickers a few minutes ago and I looked at the bottom (flat side) of the bar and noticed the lines that are on it. To me they look like the squiggly lines that converge in the middle into a multi-line W.

This begs the question: What are those lines for? Are they strategically placed for grip of the bar? Are they there to let air pass under the bar to allow the chocolate to harden? Are they a secret code that, when broken, will reveal what the hell Nougat is?

I DON'T KNOW!!! I haven't got a clue but if it is on a Snickers bar, does that also mean my Milky Way or Three Musketeers might have this affliction? I need answers.

That is all,
Newt

CSI: Crime Scene Imagination

Thomas likes to assign homework for weekend blog posts and I cam across something interesting this morning that I need help with. As I was walking the dogs this morning I came across an interesting scene. Behind a set of bushes was a series of objects that, in my opinion, look to be the scene of a mugging. However I have doubts.

Thus the challenge I pose to all of you. Below are two 'Crime Scene' photos that I took of the area. I will list out the contents of the scene and I want your hypothoses on what happened.













The 4 circular objects are plates(2 to a package) wrapped in newspaper. This was found early in the morning, but the newspaper was not moist from dew.

There were a pair of regular handcuffs(not trick or plastic) tangled around a string of sparkly black beads. Handcuffs were missing keys. Both cuffs were shut.

A black purse was open and empty. Its contents looked to be scattered around the purse. Purse was from general department store per tag inside. Inside pocket of purse contained one cigarette lighter.

Contents of purse consist of compact, regular makeup accessories.

Not shown is one small tube of what I believe was super glue. It was the size of a pinkie finger.

I didn't move anything other than to check for an I.D. in the purse. It is important to mention that the newspaper was wrapped completely around the plates. I could find no broken plates and the newspaper was still firmly around all plates, even though they are scattered. There were no visible footprintsm though the ground was moist. There were two cars parked next to the scene and neither were broken into.

I am eager to hear your opinions on what may or may not have happened here.

That is all,

Newt

Alas, poor Katy. We knew ye...not so well

Well, yesterday afternoon we got the call from Katy's owners. They lived across from us in another building of our complex. I took her to her owners last night.

I have to say that I think they aren't very good dog owners. When the man called, he didn't seem too worried that his dog was missing and said that they had no idea how she got out. He also didn't say thank you for keeping her or that he was sorry for the trouble. He was supposed to be home at 5:30 so I could bring her over and at 6:30 I called him to ask if he was home.

When I walked her over, his wife was coming to my apartment to grab her and when I talked to her, she told me that Katy thinks she got out when she went to take Katy on a walk. She said that she was going to take Katy out when her husband told her that he had already walked her. Apparently this was all while she was at the front door and Katy slipped out and the woman just shut the door without realizing it.

She did say thank you but she never apologized for the inconvenience. She also almost had Katy run off on her again when she took her off of my leash because she didn't bring one for her. All in all, she didn't seem that worried about her dog.

So we are back down to two dogs.

That is all,

Newt

What the...Another Dog?

Diana was out walking the twin terrors when she found a Basset Hound wandering outside. Her name is Katy and she looks to be about 2 or 3 and I am fairly sure she has had a litter of puppies recently. We called the number on her tag but as of yet there has been no return call.

Diana said I could keep her if we don't find the owner. Isn't she precious? I'm sure her owner will call but until she does, we have a third dog to care for. Just remember that Diana brought it home, not me.

Internal Monologue

Does anyone else walk around with an internal monologue running in his or her head? I have always been aware of a voice in my head. It is a friendly voice and keeps its comments mostly towards narration. I almost feel like Kevin on the ‘Wonder Years’.

You know. I get up from a chair and my internal voice starts voicing that I am going to the restroom, having an internal conflict that causes me to need to pace, or vocalizes the need for a cookie. As I said, I always hear it but I guess I never listen to it. It’s a forest through the trees scenario.

The reason this comes up is that my vivid imagination, along with my internal monologue, has been extra noticeable the last couple of days. It flares up when I get frustrated or angry; also when I have a large amount of alone time.

I can only assume that crazy people have this same affliction but are not aware that it is their own thoughts that they hear. I constantly pretend that the voice is actually a narrator telling an imaginary audience what I am thinking, as if I really am the star of my own TV show. I come up with overly descriptive wording for the most mundane things; trying to give unimportant actions an air of severity.

I can only imagine that there is an actual person out there whose mind is silent. His thoughts consist of 'pick up that pencil' and then that’s what they do. I am glad I am not that person because personality is bred in the mind, and if your mind is silent so is your wit.

That is all,

Newt

Fly me to the moon...or Lubbock

This afternoon, I journeyed to the land of plenty, Lubbock, Texas. I came for a recruiting event and anytime that I fly to Lubbock or Midland, I sit at Love Field and look around for anybody that I know. This is especially true when I fly for recruiting because the chances of someone my age going for the same reason is much more likely.

The reason behind this is that I hate running into people that I vaguely know. This includes former classmates, coworkers, and church members. Actually, that last one is just talk as I can no longer step into a Holy Temple for fear of my skin bursting aflame.

Anyhow, one such occasion occurred today. I was sitting and reading a book when a girl that I had a couple of classes with walked around the corner of the airport. In cases like these, I would normally just hide behind my book or not make eye contact in hopes of avoiding that awkward conversation that always follows seeing people you semi-know ?

She recognized me, however, which caused a small conversation, which causes me mild discomfort. Here are the things I remember about this girl. She was bubbly in class, not incredibly stupid, very friendly, and she is a Christian. I actually forgot her name and I guess she forgot mine too because she threw in a “I’m Jennifer, in case you didn’t remember.” Luckily, she got a call from a friend who just found out she was pregnant and I was immediately forgotten.

I can’t think that I am alone on this. Does anyone else find it unbearable to try to have a conversation with a person you care nothing about? Am I expected to save her a seat on the plane? I hope not because I instead sat next to an elderly woman that smelled like sour cream.

That is all,

Newt

Daydreaming

So, this afternoon I walked outside with the dogs and a fairly attractive woman in a bikini was walking past the door. I don't think she noticed me but as soon as I turned and walked the other direction my mind began to wander.

Now for those of you reading this, my post will not be erotic. I know, you're saying to yourself "Dammit, I really wanted Newt to describe some pornographic sexual deviation to me" and to that I say "call me". But alas, my daydream was not so graphic. Here is what my mind created after seeing the pretty lady.

After walking away from the bikini clad woman I hear her turn and look at me. Immediately she is attracted to me. Who wouldn't be? Me in a pair of khaki dress pants and a orange polo and my babe magnets hooked to their leashes. She runs(in slow motion) towards me and says "You are so hot. I want you right now."

I look at the bikini clad vixen and say "I appreciate that but I am engaged and I don't believe my fiancee' would go for that." I can tell that this woman had been around, as me being betrothed doesn't seem to be a stumbling block for her. "If you don't tell, I won't", she replied.

Again, I am flustered but keep my cool. "No, you are very pretty but, as I said, I am engaged." I try to say goodbye and begin walking the dogs when she grabs me and attempts to kiss me. I fight her off, which is not easy as she has sun tan lotion all over her, and Duncan, Hazel and I leave frantically.

When we get back to the door, she is there. Trying to get me to let her into the apartment. "Just this once" and "Don't you want to have one last fling before you get married?" come out of her mouth. "No", I shout and squeeze through the door.

The point of this blog is that I am whipped. Any other person would probably have fantasized about having sex with said bikini woman, yet I instead fight her off in my own head. Even as I was changing out of my work gear, I made up how she busts into the house and catches me changing and I force her out of the room.

Thinking back to past girlfriends, I remember times when I would wake up from sex dreams before anything started to happen. Why? Because I felt guilty about cheating on my girlfriend with a dream woman. Now that's commitment.

That is all,

Newt

Keep it a Secret...Please

Yesterday, Diana and I went to Victoria Secret and when we got in line to check out, the woman in front of us was arguing with the teller. She was trying to return something she had bought (It was a red negligee) and the teller was telling her they couldn't return her item. She proceeded to say that she had just bought it and the fabric was already frayed at the edges.

The next thing I heard is the cause of this post. I heard the teller say
"We can't return this because it is soiled".

She then pointed out the stains on the item and a manager was called and agreed that they couldn't take it back. The woman was not happy and kept trying to explain that she had just bought it and that it was fraying out. She wouldn't take the fact that it was stained as a reason for not taking it.

When we got up to the counter, the woman was leaving. I turned to Diana and told her "I have some boxers with bacon strips in them. I should run those back to Old Navy." Our cashier was extremely uncomfortable and just kept saying, "Let's just not talk about it anymore". Both the women that helped her were applying Antibacterial gel on their hands.

That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan & Hazel - Trash Day

I got to sleep in this morning. Diana got up earlier than I did and was nice enough to leave the dogs outside the room so they wouldn't wake me up. If only she had remembered to close the bathroom door. I can only imagine that it went something like this.

"Man, Duncan, I sure wish we could get in bed with Dad."
"I hear you Hazel. I wanted to get a nap in under the bed."
"Wonder why Mom locked us out?"
"Maybe they are mad. I know, let's do something nice for them."
"Like what?"
"Well, the bathroom trash has really been piling up. We should take it downstairs for dad."
"I don't know Hazel. Remember the last time we got in the trash? My ass was killing me all day."
"Yeah, but this time we just carry it in the bag and don't pull it out. Then we should be good."
"Well, I suppose it's worth a try."

Duncan and Hazel go into the bathroom and start to lift the trash bag when they start fighting over who gets to carry the bag.

"Give it to me!"
"No, it was my idea. Give me the bag."
"Hazel, stop pulling on the bag, you're gonna rip it."
"Give it to me."
"Stop it!"

Below is the result of the good deed.

BEST WEEK EVER

You know that VH1 show 'Best Week Ever'? I think I am in the running for winning this week.

When we were driving home this weekend, Diana got a call saying that we had won a free trip for our honeymoon. Someone(we still don't know who) threw our name into a drawing that won us either a 3 day/2 night trip to an all inclusive resort or a 7day/7 night trip to a condo. We did have to go to a presentation for Waterless Cookware first, but it was entertaining and I, of course, had to have the pots too.

Then Monday afternoon, I was sitting at work listening to The Pugs and Kelly Show on the radio when they asked people to call in if they could name the cheerleader on Heroes. I knew her name as she was in both 'Ally McBeal' and 'Ice Princess'. I called in and won. I got a gift card for $100 to Sony Style.com, the TV edition of Scene It, and Season 1 of 'The Office'. I had to give Erin 'The Office' because I already own it and she fixed the holes in my pillows. Sorry Thomas, you were next in line if she didn't want it.

Adding to Monday, I had an awesome comic book week that set me back a pretty penny but was definitely worth it... new zombie Graphic Novel that I have been waiting on. I have been reading a really great book and work has been overly tolerable. Plus, Erin took me to dinner last night, cause she is cool like that, and we hit the Walgreens and bought fancy chocolates to sample. Wheeeeee!!!!!! All in all it has been a good week so far.

Now that I think about it, maybe I just had the Best Day Ever but I have enjoyed the rest of the week so I will stick with my posts title.

That is all,

Newt

Office Antics

There are many days that I hate my job, but I can't help but love my coworkers. Today is one of our top salespersons birthdays. He is always bringing in jobs that are difficult, intracate, or just a pain in the ass. He makes the Accounting office's life Hell and is known as one of the busiest sales people in the office.

So to say Happy Birthday, his Custome rep came in a little early today.














That is all,

Newt

Do Do-ing

By looking at the title of this post you may think I am about to talk matters of the butt. However this is a language post.

Have you ever had someone say "You don't do that" in which you reply "Yes I do. I do do that." I find myself saying this from time to time and my silly, adolecent mind can't help but chuckle over the term do do. Is it because as children we refered to any type of fecal matter using this term? Is it because when I tell my dogs to go crap I use the same term? Yes.

I try to come up with other ways to say that I do something. Ex. 'I perform that way' or 'I am guilty of that offence'. But saying I do do something makes me laugh. Are there other terms that have this same affliction? I can't think of any, and if there are I doubt that they have the conotation to taking a dump.

Anyway, that will finish off my weekend. I am off to Lubbock to see my HLM Thomas. If you read his latest post you might thing that the H in HLM stands for Homo. It does not. It is still Hetero as of the last time I checked.

I hope you do do have a good weekend.

That is all,

Newt

Write On!

If you haven't heard of Half Price Books, they are a chain of used bookstores that sell every kind of book imaginable, as well as used DVD's, CD's and Records. While we were in the largest on in Dallas this weekend, Erin picked up a sheet that told of a contest that they were holding. HPB is having a children's book writing contest where you submit a story to them for their annual book "Say Goodnight to Illiteracy". The winner or runners up get gift cards for the store.

Erin, my good buddy, decided she might submit a story, and me being competitive decided to make it a contest and challenge her. So, I am pulling out a piece I wrote back in the 9th grade and am going to submit my book and hopefully place in the contest. As I told Diana, I don't need to win, I just need to beat Erin. Sorry Erin.

That is all,

Newt Shakespeare

"The Last Kiss" - an opinion

Sunday Diana, Erin and I went to see the new Zach Braff movie "The Last Kiss". For those of you who haven't seen it, Braff's character is about to have a baby with his girlfriend, he is afraid of marriage, and at a wedding he meets a college girl who makes him consider cheating.

The movie was very good and, in my opinion, realistic. Diana and Erin expressed that they didn't like it because they didn't end up liking Zach Braff's character. So, when we go to the movies, are we supposed to like the main character or is it ok to hate them and still enjoy the movie.

The film is a metaphor for relationships. Through a number of characters there is a divorce, an affair, a break up, a casual sexual relationship and a couple at a crossroads. Rachel Bilson, who plays the college love interest, has some classic lines that really bring out the stupidity of love at 19. She makes a mix tape and spouts off lines like "I don't care about before or after, I just care about now."

I recommend this movie, but when you go to see it don't expect "Garden State" because you will be disappointed. This movie offers a realistic look at love from so many different points of view that every person should be able to connect with one of the characters.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. You get to see Rachel Bilsons nips and that was worth the price of admission

I'm so glad I'm not single

Recently, I have been surrounded by people that are single and I get to hear about all of the trials and tribulations that go along with singledom. Let me just say that I do not miss being single. I have so many single friends of varying ages, ethnicities, and sexual orientations. Being 24, it seems that in this day in age it is hard to find a significant other.

Dallas is a competitive market. I will start out by saying that dating can be hard. I just finished "Love Monkey" which is all about dating at 30. Some of the situations that the main character get into are beyond me and I asked myself "What would I have done?" and there were no answers.

My good buddy Erin(f) is currently looking for love in all the wrong places. This is because she has only been at work and home. Short supply of men. She is always telling me that she can't meet a guy and I just think "Thank the maker for Diana" because I don't want to have to try looking around Dallas for another lady.

I have a friend who is 30 and hasn't found the right one(though that is because she left him, at least that's what he says). He goes out clubbing and finds an "occasional hottie" but he can never find a girl he wants, but he continues looking.

I also have a friend who is 45 that is currently in "a friendship" of sexual proportions. He and his "friend" were dating and decided to go platonic and still get it on. She is always calling him, and aside from the title they are in a relationship. He just lives in denial about the entire thing. We have tried to convince him of it but as long as he can dip his "pen" in his friends "ink" I guess denial is a good river to swim in.

All in all, I don't miss dating. Sure the first kiss was always exciting, and the initial phase of any relationship has a lot of hope built in, but once you settle down with some one it is such a comfort to not have all the BS that goes along with dating. Plus, I still get to use all of my pick up lines. Only now its when I am trying to get into my fiancee's pants instead of a strangers.

That is all,

Newt

Death Day

One year ago today my Granny Nan passed away. So I guess that makes today her Death Day. We buried her ashes this summer in Georgia next to my Grandpa.

Its funny that we celebrate friends and family on their birthday, but when people die it seems like the day they die is a sad day. I don't know if I should be unhappy today but really, today was better than yesterday.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I was walking down the street where my Granny's house was and I got to the door and there were cars in front. I went in and she was sitting on the couch. In the dream she was dead too, so I went up and put my arms around her and yelled "You're alive!" She told me that her cruise ship had crashed on an island and that, while people on the ship had died, she and her friend had survived.

The dream continued and people kept coming in and congratulating her for being alive. It was all very somber and surreal. I sat on the couch in her living room, and for just one moment I let myself believe that her death had been a dream. Then I woke up.

This is the only time I can ever remember having a dream where Granny was in it, at least since her death. I thought it fitting that in my dream she was not only alive, but healthy and had an air of happiness to her. I know if I had survived a crashed cruise ship, I would be happy too.

Oh, she was also in a flowery dress. I can only assume that she hadn't changed out of her island attire.

Love ya Granny.

Newt

So, I was like, and she was like

I hate the word 'like'. I wish Webster would come up with a new word to replace 'like' and then the simile will have to be changed, but I can live with that. This post comes partly from the fact that Diana is out of town, which means that I can razz her about this and not get hit.

The love of my life, the woman I am going to marry uses 'like' in almost every sentence she makes. I know this because it has gotten so bad that I began counting them when she is conversing with someone. I hate it. I think that every person that does this needs to take a step back and realize that it needs to stop.

The worst is when someone is telling you something and they say, "Bill hit the dog, and I was like..." WHY!!! When did it become necessary to transition with this stupid phrase. There are so many ways to say things. Use 'as if' or 'I responded' or 'and then I told him'. This isn't a criticism of Diana though. It is a criticism on humanity. I personally stop myself from doing this and it can be difficult. So I made up a rule.

If you are speaking and the words coming out of your mouth are things you wouldn't write down in an email, then stop using them.

No one types an email and during it writes, "Well, I'm sitting and work, and like, there is the cutest girl so I went up to her and I was like "Hey". And if you do then you are an idiot.

That is, like, all,

Newt

The Hai-Karate Kid

Well, if any of you have read my good buddy's blog recently you may have noticed that he almost used the teachings of Mr. Miagi at the Tech game last weekend. This made me think of how, in the past, if I really tried I could make Thomas mad enough to punch me. I can only remember this occurring a couple of times, but I bet he really scared those dudes if he did like he use to. First, he turns kinda red and then he bites his bottom lip and his eyes bug out a little bit. Don't make him angry, you won't like him when he's angry."

So, I present my rendition of Thomas getting into a fight.

Thomas, a lanky red headed American male, is walking down the street when from behind two masked hoodlums come up and scream "Give me your wallet." Instantly our hero leaps into action. Donning the amulet that gives him power, Thomas instantly transforms into THE HAI-KARATE KID.

Turning on his attackers, he begins to stare them down and starts tossing out Verbal Jabs of Justice. "Wallet? Dude, I'm married. I gave that thing away on my wedding day."

Stunned, the thieves momentarily drop their guard. "And why would you pick me anyway. Idiots. I'm wearing ratty jeans and a shirt I got at Goodwill. Do I really look like Mr. Moneybags?" He throws his hands in the air with a sarcastic flair.

Thief A starts to get nervous. This is taking longer than he thought. "Look, just give us all that you have." But NO! The Hai-Karate Kid will have none of that. "Look, I'm sure this isn't going the way you planned so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna walk this way and you two genius' walk that way and then we will just pretend this never happened."

"No way man. We want your money."

HKK is getting frustrated. The vein in his forehead begins to pulse. "You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry." In fact, they didn't like him at all. So they beat the shit out of him and took his money. Luckily he is poor so not much was taken.

The End.

That is all,

Newt

The Princess Bride

Last night, I finished reading The Princess Bride and it was great. Lots of action, great adventure and it was very funny. The reason for this post is to declare that the writer, William Goldman, is a genius. Why? you ask. Because everything he wrote that talked about himself or his family, or S. Morgenstern was all B.S. and yet it sounds so real.

For those who haven't read it, Mr. Goldman wrote this book under the guise of it being an abridgment of S. Morgenstern. The "original" book, which he claims was read to him by his father when he was a boy, was said to be a history of the city of Florin and written by S. Morgenstern. Neither Florin nor Morgenstern exist. All made up.

The family that Goldman talks about in his preface, his wife and son, are also made up. All throughout the book, Goldman has break ins during the narrative where he goes into some minute details of what he cut out of the book and why. Except the original never existed.

He even goes into the legal details of the long lost sequel to the book, Buttercup' s Baby and why he is being stopped from abridging it. He claims that the Morgenstern family want Steven King to adapt it because he has family from Florin and visits there often. Luckily, Steven King was nice enough to give him a shot at abridging the first chapter, which is published in the books 25th Anniversary Edition. Again, all fake. None of it happened.

Were a just a tad bit more gullible, I would have bought it all hook, line and sinker. Luckily I researched it a bit and found out that William Goldman is a liar. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have read books before that were done in this manner, but I have never fallen for this ploy until I started reading The Princess Bride. Plus, I may have found the passage I want read at my wedding.

That is all,

Newt

I've made a terrible mistake

I am very uncomfortable right now. I just got back from seeing 'Snakes on a Plane' and realized that it may not have been a good idea to face my fear of snakes by watching this movie.

Going in, I was very excited to start the show. Then a thought crossed my mind. "Wouldn't it be ironic if someone let snakes loose in the theatre during the show?" From the second preview my feet didn't leave the back of the chair in front of me. Not to mention that it is really dark in those theatres.

And another thing. Surround sound with snakes really makes it sound like snakes are under your chair. At least once during the movie I had to cover my mouth because I was moaning with fear. The other time I covered my mouth was when a woman got bit on the tongue when she was screaming. That, however, was just a knee jerk reaction.

I will say that I was pleased with the movie and it wasn't nearly as ridiculous as I expected it to be. I am pretty sure that sleeping won't be in the cards for me this weekend though.

That is all,

Newt

Arrested Development

Well, last night I finished the third and final season of Arrested Development and I am sad. This was a show that got so much critical acclaim, and yet no one watched it. I watched a few episodes of it when it was in its second season, but I never really got into the show. Now it is cancelled and I own the entire collection and it is awesome.

For anyone that likes humor with a dry, witty edge to it then you would love this show. The dysfunction of this family is beyond the depths of anything you can imagine. One brother is a magician with no skill, one a mamma's boy, and one tries to help the rest succeed. Add to that a sister who is trying to save her marriage(though not very hard) and two cousins who sort of have a thing for each other and they all live in the same house.

The basic premise of the show is that the Bluth's are in trouble. Their company is being investigated by the government, George Sr., the father, is in prison for a number of crimes, and Michael(the responsible one) is left to pick up the pieces of his family and their business.

There are so many memorable things about this show. Henry Winkler guest stars a lot, and in one episode actually jumps over a rubber shark. A one armed man frequently appears in flashbacks teaching the Bluth children lessons. Even Scott Baio shows up as a lawyer named Bob Oblah(say it fast and you will get the joke). Oh, and David Cross plays a therapist turned actor who is gay and in denial about it.

I wish I had known about this show from its inception because it was great and I would have loved watching it. Oh well, I can now watch it at any time.

That is all,

Newt

Silly Cousin

Well, I decided I was going to drive up to Plano and see my cousin, Kristy. So I called her around 4 and asked if she would like to have dinner. She said "Sure, but I am going to be at a Happy Hour until 6".

So I came home for a while, loaded up the dogs, and at 6:05 I called to tell her I was on the way. She was still at the bar but said she was going to leave soon so I drove to Plano and found a Barnes and Noble to go wandering in until she got home. Around 7, I bought a couple of books and then headed to her house thinking that after an hour she would surely be home. Nope.

I called to see where she was and she still hadn't left the bar. I waited at her apartment complex and walked the dogs when Kristy's friend and coworker, Kristen, called and told me to take the dogs to her house and then we could meet up. I drove to her apartment and her husband, Jeremy, met me. We grabbed Kristy's key and dropped the dogs off and then said "Screw the girls, we're going to eat".

I ran by Circuit City and made an impulse buy of a Camcorder that I got an awesome deal on, and then Jeremy and I went to Freebirds. At 9, Kristy still hadn't shown so I grabbed the pups and headed home.

The moral of this story is 'If you are going to visit your cousin, don't leave until they are home'.

That is all,

Newt

JELLO Shots

Today is my cousin Kristy's Birthday(Happy Birthday Kristy) so this weekend we went out to eat. Her friends threw her a big dinner at Saltgrass Steakhouse and after it was over, we went back to one of her friends to party.

The main attraction at the party, aside from cousin Kristy, were Jello Shots. I was told that they made 150 and when I left there were zero. Good times. I was really showing them how to throw them back. The next day, however, I learned of a side affect of Jello Shots. I call it the Jello Shits. All day yesterday, I was running back and forth to the bathroom because the large amount of hard liquor mixed with the rainbow of Jello Flavors that I had on Saturday really did a number on me.

The party wasn't the only thing that happened. In the year that I have lived in Dallas, Kristy has worked at Circuit City. When they change out the CDs in the listening station, the employees get to take them home. Knowing this, I will now tell you that I learned that my cousin thinks I am gay. Or at least I assume she thinks I am gay because up until Saturday, she has never offered me a CD and that night she did. She looked at me and said "I have a CD in my car that I got from the listening station at work. It is the soundtrack to 'High School Musical'."

Huh? High School Musical? Not Ja Rule? Not Dashboard Confessional? The only CD I have ever been given is High School Musical? Well, I guess I must be gay because I said "Yippee", or maybe I am just a 13 year old girl. Jury is still out on that one.

Well, those were the highlights from my weekend. As I am bacheloring it up, the fact that anything happened at all is promising. So on that note...

That is all.

Newt

Am I a Racist?

Something happened to me this afternoon while at lunch that has been weighing on my mind all day. While driving back from lunch, a coworker and I were discussing travel to other countries and she said "My husband wants to go to Asia but, I don't know why, I have a mild distrust of Asian people". This prompted me to blurt out, and I have no idea why, that I am afraid of black people.

The silence in the car was horrible. Not only did I just say something that could be taken to be extremely racist, I also caught my coworker off guard. I knew she didn't know what to say but she turned and said "Really?" I came back with, "Well, only black men. I am not scared of women or children", and we then discussed how the African American male has perpetuated an image of violence with music and actions.

Now please don't take this post as a commentary on how black people are bad. That is not what this is. It is actually a look into my fear, and during the ride back to work something came to mind as to what might have caused me to feel this way.

I am not really scared of black people. At least not in any general sense. If I were walking down the street and a black male was coming my direction, I would not run screaming like a baby or, less dramatic, cross the street. However, if a black male that looked like 50 cent were to be coming my way, my actions might change. This said, I will now explain what I think may have started this "fear".

In the sixth grade, I knew a kid named James Williams. He was black and lived in my neighborhood. He was an underprivileged kid, at least compared to me and he lived two blocks from my house. Every day, we rode the bus to and from school. I was always dropped off at the bus stop early so when the bus arrived, I got on it fairly quick. James did not. When I got on the bus, I would go to the back and sit in the seat that only held one person. We all know that seat. The one that was coveted above all others.

One morning, I had gotten seated and was minding my own business when James got on the bus and told me that he wanted the short seat. I told him no, as I was already sitting there and was quite happy in my seat. He and his brother, Ray, proceeded to taunt me about giving him the seat and I still refused. As we were waiting for the other kids to get on the bus, James stood up, came over to me, and tapped the top of my head with a text book. To this day I can remember the feel of that book hitting me on the head.

After the first tap, he said "Get up" and I stood my ground and said "No". He dropped the book again and this time it was harder. It never hurt, but when you are twelve and everyone is watching, pain is the least of your concerns. I told him if he did it again I was gonna stop him. And he, of course, dropped it a third time. I jumped at him and we tussled. Not fought, just tussled. He jumped on my back and help my arm down and I was about to slam him into the emergency release bar for the back door when the driver ran back and broke us up.

We stayed separated for the rest of the ride and were taken to the principal as soon as we arrived at school. I do not remember what James' punishment was, but I was given three days of In School Suspension(Turns out I liked it though so it really wasn't a punishment). I despised James and his brother from that day forward.

The irony of the whole situation is that I(a white kid) was defending the seat in the back of the bus from a black kid. That hit me today. Up until then, the social humor never occurred to me. James was exactly the kind of guy that I am "afraid of". Not necessarily afraid of the person, but of what they can do. Hell, I don't know. I guess I never really let go of the anger I had. Not only because of how helpless I felt, but also the stereotype that I formed without even meaning to.

I know that I am not racist. I don't feel that a person's skin color is their defining factor and I know that it, in no way affects their ability in any way. I guess that I just have an issue that needs to be acknowledged and moved past. I hope that by realizing where the problem started, I can make sure it isn't an issue. Funny where a conversation can lead.


That is all,

Newt

Grocery Store

Hello All,

I went to the grocery store this evening (Thomas, the list is forthcoming) and as I was going to get milk, I saw this idiot was standing there blocking the fridge and talking into a cell phone. This really wouldn't have bothered me much except I wanted milk and he was more involved in his conversation than getting the milk he was blocking. However, this post isn't about the guy on the phone or milk. It is about a one legged man with an anger management problem.

The idiot finally got out of my way and I went and grabbed my half a gallon when I noticed that an older gentleman was standing two doors down near the Half n Half. He was a white guy around 65 and had a prosthetic left leg that had both a sock and a shoe on.

Why wear a sock? That was my first thought. Not, "Wonder how he lost his leg?" Nope, I wondered what possessed this man to get up, throw a shoe and sock on his right foot, and then proceed to put a sock on his plastic foot. Is it a habit? Symmetry? I just don't know.

As the idiot was yelling into his cell, he almost ran into the older gentleman's cart. As I put my milk in my own cart I made eye contact with the old guy and he stopped. He looked me right in the eye, gathered his thoughts, and said in a low voice, "I swear to God, if I could I would blow up every radio tower in this place. KERPLEW!"

Awkward!!! I just threw a "Yeah" out there and casually strolled away. The rest of my shopping experience had me wondering if he meant the towers that give the idiot cell phone service or the tower that provided the Muzak for the Tom Thumb. More importantly, WTF? That guy was crazy. I am pretty sure he was harmless but he had to have lost that leg somewhere and I imagine it was in a war.

Well, that is what happens when I run out of yogurt.

That is all,

Newt

Apologies

It has come to my attention that a few of the readers of this blog were slightly offended by my last post. Apparently, some people think I am disgusting and need to put a warning on my posts. So this is my apology for my previous post entitled "Dang, I hate that...".

I am sorry that you don't have the sense to stop reading something if it offends you. This is a humor blog. I am very seldom serious, and for anyone that knows me, you know that I don't care about your opinion, though it is welcome.

In most cases, I go right to the point. The second sentence of my previous blog set the tone for the piece and if you read sentence three, well that was your choice. And yes, I am disgusting. I know it, you know it. Hell, even my grandmother knows it. So don't act all shocked that I wrote something that was somewhat nasty.

That is all,

Newt

Dang, I hate that...

You know what's annoying? Touching your own butthole. Now, I'm sure your thinking "What the hell is that supposed to mean"? I came to this topic yesterday.

I was sitting on the shitter and had just finished folding my tp all dainty like (which is the only way to fold toilet paper) and was ready to go wipe when I guess I misjudged the distance. The next thing I know, my finger hit my poop shoot. I thought "Crap", literally. This is something that really bugs me.

It's not that its really that big a deal. I was going to wash my hands anyway, but when you expect to feel the soft plushyness of a Charmin and instead get the index, well, that is just not pleasing. Not to mention that if you aren't paying attention when you stand up, you just may use that finger to push down the flusher.

I think that this is one of those things that goes untalked about. Actually, we should discuss this issue and try to be more proactive in the Finger/Sphinxter phenomenon. In our modern day society we should have come up with a solution.

The toilet paper hand wrap was always a safe practice, but you are really wasting a lot of paper in doing that. There is also the disposable glove, but the practicality of that is questionable. The Angel Soft people should really be working on a solution to this epidemic that is swiping the nation. Yes, I did mean swiping.

That is all,

Newt

Island of the Sequined Love Nun

For anyone that checks here regularly, you probably saw that I had been reading Island of the Sequined Love Nun for the last couple of weeks. Well, last night I finished it and it was great. The author, Christopher Moore, is a weird dude and almost everything he has written that I have read has been good.

Island of the Sequined Love Nun is about a pilot, Tucker Case, who crashes a plane(owned by a Mary Kay knock off) and looses his license to fly. He gets an offer to go fly for a missionary on a remote island and has to take it because it is the only job he will be able to get. Instead of missionaries, he finds an island where the natives worship an image of a Bomber Girl from a war plane and their god is a WWII pilot named Vincent.

Throughout the book, Tucker uncovers a plot by by his employers to steal the kidneys of the islanders, as well as trying to stop himself from being killed and saving an entire island of natives.

The story was an interesting tale of redemption mixed with a Monty Python-esc humor. All in all, a very funny book, though I did feel funny caring it around with me as it is hot pink.

That is all,

Newt

The Rise and Fall of Foreigner

My essay focuses on the band Foreigner. When asked what I consider to be foreign, the first thing that came to mind was the '80's band that signifies all things foreign.

Foreigner was started in 1976 by two British musicians, Mick Jones & Ian McDonald along with four others. They started out with the self titled album Foreigner. It gave us hits such as "Feels Like the First Time" and "Cold as Ice". These were Top 20 songs. Their second album, Double Vision was even more successful selling five million records and contained both "Hot Blooded" and title track "Double Vision".

They continued putting out great music such as "Jukebox Hero", "Waiting for a Girl Like You", and "Urgent" which came off of their fourth album as well as "Head Games" from their third.

The leads of the band decided to attempt solo projects in the late 1980's but reunited in 1987 for another album. However, fans weren't impressed. After being gone for so long, a comeback wasn't in the cards.

Mick Jones tried reforming the band in 1990 and released an album that was unsuccessful. Subsequent attempts to reform also failed. This was another example of an 80's band that could not die out gracefully. But at their peak, Foreigner was a band to be reckoned with.

This is my essay on what I deem foreign.

That is all,

Newt

Shut Down

I was having trouble coming up with a post today and then I went to tell Diana something while I was in the kitchen. I immediately got told "I'm trying to watch this show!" And then it hit me; I had just been shut down. Thus, this post.

I absolutely hate getting shut down. If I need to tell someone something, it annoys me to no end when someone stops me from saying it. At work today, I went into my boss's office to show her that a package that I was supposed to have gotten two weeks ago just got delivered. I showed her the packet that came with it and she took it and started reading it. When I said, let me have it back, she stuck her index finger up to tell me "Oh no, I am reading and you will not talk to me." I, of course, paraphrased the meaning of the finger. I finally got fed up with it and said, "Just give me the packet, I have work to do and don't have time for this."

I am not going to be hypocritical about this. I am as guilty of this as anyone. I admit it, but I still hate people that do this, people like me. My mind works like this. If something comes into my head I try to say it, because if I don't I will probably forget it. So, if I start speaking, shut the hell up! This goes for you. Yes, you.

That is all,

Newt

Snakes on a Plane

Who isn't excited about the new movie Snakes on a Plane? I cannot wait for this thing to come out. I am deathly afraid of snakes and I will still be sitting at this film. The buzz behind it is awesome and every time I think about the premise I just laugh. Of all the things to try to kill someone with, are snakes really the best choice? No! But they sure as hell are a funny one.

Plus with Sammy Jackson in the lead it is extra awesome. I can't imagine anyone else playing in this part. If you go to http://www.snakesonaplane.com/ you can even email or call someone with a personalized message straight from Samuel L. Jackson. I sent one to Thomas that called him a suck up with a boyfriend. Ha.

It has been a long time since a movie has had this much build up. With all the publicity and projected success, we can only hope that Snakes on a Train is already in production. The possibilities for this franchise are limited only by the different number of transportation methods out there. Snakes on a Cruise Ship, Snakes in a Tanker, and with the space race still going strong we could even have Snakes on a Rocket.

OH, I JUST CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF.

That is all,

Newt

Aren't Movies Grand?

I got rest this weekend. We didn't leave the house very much and when we did we were eating. And it was awesome. We even drove to Hurst to get some Rosa's, which was much needed.

Anyway, to the point of my post. I love movies. Over the weekend I watched Memento and Dr. Strangelove, neither of which I had ever seen up to this point. These are two movies on opposite ends of the spectrum but both were none the less enjoyable. And I loved them both.

I know that people say that movies are getting repetitive and no new original ideas are being used, but really who cares. Movies are great. Sure, I hate the Scary Movie franchise as much as the next guy and I could really care less what the next Wayan's movie will be. But I can enjoy a remake if it is done well and there are still so many new ideas that are being made. Movies like 'Snakes on a Plane' and 'Little Miss Sunshine' make me want to rush out to the theatre.

So the next time you think "Damn, Jackie Chan is in another buddy comedy" just remember that there is a new Zach Braff film coming soon.

That is all,

Newt

My Oh My! An Old Naked Guy

Yesterday, as I was walking the dogs to check the mail, I heard a door open on my left. I had just finished scolding Hazel when I turned to see a man of about 65 or so standing naked in his doorway. Or so I thought. As I turned to see him, he was walking out the door. I could only see the right side of his body and it looked like he was naked.

The reason it looked like this is that he was wearing a thong. No, not flip flops but that nice piece of butt floss that no Grandfather should be without. I would have kept thinking that he was nude except that he turned back into his house once he saw me and I got a shot of his crotch. He was wearing an itsy bitsy, teeny weenie, YELLOW banana hammock.(insert shudder here)

After checking the mail (mostly junk in case you were wondering) I looked out the window of our apartment. It faces the pool so I could see the man was outside sunbathing in his little suit. Diana seems to think he must go out there because it is the only way he can get any action. At least it explains the sunglasses.

That is all,

Newt

Who's Your Daddy?

Well, if you are looking at the title of this post you might think I am going to go into some tyrannical rant about the greatness that is Newt. Well, Wrong. I use this title because last night I felt old.

Diana and I went to Kohls. Backup, before I give this story I must state a fact. I have never bought a pair of jeans that weren't from Old Navy. I have owned a couple of pair, but never have I put money down on jeans without the Old Navy Logo on them. It's the same with Boxers.

Back to the point. Last night, as I was walking around Kohls, waiting for Diana to finish shopping, I came across some jeans that were in my price range and looked decent. I picked up my size and tried them on and they seemed like a good fit. So I carried them away and went to find Diana. I was a little apprehensive about the pants.

So as soon as I see Diana I ask "Do you think I can pull these jeans off?" Why did I ask this? Because I am a little bit older and don't want to look like the old guy that kids laugh at for trying to look young. I know that 24 isn't old, but when I shop in the same isle as teenagers I get a little apprehensive. Not to mention that I am stepping out of my comfort zone. God I feel ancient sometimes.

That is all...because my arthritis is acting up and I can't type anymore,

Newt

I'm Back

Well, what a weekend, I got in yesterday and am exhausted. Diana wanted to go out to eat last night so we jumped in the truck and headed for food. Our journey ended up taking us to Don Pablo's, which I do not recommend. We didn't know that at the time but we learned from our mistake.

While waiting for our waitress, Diana and I looked over at a large group of teenagers that were sharing a table. There were probably 10 or so of them of varying disguises. John Hughes would have been proud of the cast.

There was the short ugly girl, the large kid who most likely ordered a meal with a number higher than his I.Q., the pretty one, the smart one, and the one that is the real focus of this post.
Facing us was the Popular one. And how did we know he was the Popular one. Well, he needed a haircut, he was wearing very preppy clothes and we saw him rub his phone on his face and everyone laughed. Why, because it was a Razr phone and he was shaving.

I hate to say it, but they thought it was funny. And what is worse, had this been my high school days I might have made the same joke. Life is cruel.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomen-Culture

I hate my life

Man, this day has/did suck. It all depends on when you are reading this. It is days like these that really make me hate my life. Isn't that ridiculous? I am healthy, have a decent job and have a great fiancee and yet I still say that.

I have been dreading this week for a while. It is a short week for me, or a long one depending on how you look at it. I only have to work until Thursday afternoon but when I leave work, I fly to Houston to attend a conference until Sunday afternoon. So I don't get a weekend, and I really needed one of those. Add to that the fact that I have actually been experiencing stress related to working and you can see the predicament I am in.

Oh, and I haven't gone twosies in 4 days. Yep, I don't know what that is all about because I keep eating. I am sleepy from partying these last two weekends, I may in fact fall asleep at some point today. But not likely as I am too buy working.

My one salvation is that I am going to go buy V for Vendetta tonight and will probably force Diana to watch it. Ha. Plus, they are having one of the greatest sales I have seen in a while at Circuit City so I am doubly excited.

Woe is me,

Newt

Concert People are the Greatest

Man, what is it about a concert that will make people do such crazy stuff? Is it the 100 degree heat? Is it the $7 beer? Is it that they will sit on a grassy knoll just to hear "Open Arms"? Yes. This weekend my little buddy Thomas, and his lovely bride came down to let their dog pee on my couch. Oh wait, scratch that. They came to watch a concert of epic proportions that was Journey/Def Leppard.

We got lawn seats and they ended up being pretty decent. But the amount of crazy that surrounded us was unbelievable. Case in point. Lets say that you are standing at a concert with a bunch of friends and its around 9 o'clock. Def Leppard has just started playing and all of the sudden that 15th beer hits you and you gotta go. What do you do?
a) wait for a song you don't like and run to the restroom
b) hold it no matter how long it takes because Dammit, Def Leppard rocks!
c) whisper to your wife that you need to pee and get her to hand you a cup

Well, if you said C then you must have also seen the dude in the Union Jack shirt whip it out and take a leak while his wife and friends casually blocked the view. And what do you do with said cup of pee? Well, you sit it on the hill and ignore the fact that it spilled.

Along with this lovely sight was the pasty whiteness that was the fat ladies ass that Jessica saw as the woman decided underwear weren't really her thing. She was nice enough to try to hide under a blanket as she did it.

All in all, the concert was pretty good. I am not as big a fan of Def Leppard as the rest of the crowd was, but Journey rocked it and that's all I needed. There was also the story of the Alcohol triplets, but I don't want to blow your mind. So I will just let Thomas tell you that one.

That is all,

Newt

Birthday Syndrome

Well, as many of you know my old lady had a birthday yesterday. She turned a whoppin' 24 and I am right behind her. So as I was getting a cup of coffee at work this morning I thought of something. You know how when you ask someone on their birthday how it feels to be (insert age here) and they say "Feels the same as when I was (year younger than age previously inserted)? Well I thought "Do we ever feel older?"

Think about it for just a second, I didn't. If every time you ask someone "How's it feel" and they always answer "Same as before" then we must never feel older. I feel fairly confident in making the blanket statement that everyone answers this question with the same answer, so it is now scientifically proven by me that we do not feel aging.

Now, sure if you ask how it feels to be 24 compared to 12 then you will get a different answer. For one thing, you will now have pubes. But if every year, you don't feel different than the day before, a time line will prove that at age 24 you feel the same as age 12.

Science is Awesome!

That is all,

Newt

Flashback: Fieldtrip to the Luxor

Well, for those of you who don't know, I used to keep a journal. I replaced it with this blog, so you should all be grateful for your involvemnt. It was very simple, consisting of one of those black and white College Composition books. I decided today I would reach back into those journals and share a day that was very interesting. Looking back, I read how incredibly crappy my day to day life was, but sometimes interesting little tidbits occur. Hell, if this works out I might do more of these. So I present to you "June 5th 2004. My commentary will be in red.

"Diana and I went to the Luxor tonight with Dan. I tried to get everyone else to go but they wouldn't.(My friends suck) After Erin's party, I came home and got ready and laid down to rest until it was time to go. Diana called and told me she was tired and tried to weasel out of going. I got ticked off and told her she didn't have a choice.(You hear that? That was the whip cracking) She came over and we left. We had to stop by the ATM and while we were there, Diana's card got stuck in the machine.(Only on the way to a gay club would the ATM eat a card) Dan paid our way in and we had a lot of fun.(Thanks Dan)
This was the 1st gay bar I'd ever been to and it was interesting. It was really dark and there were screens showing men dancing and kissing together.(They were also doing other things but I didn't mention it at the time) The bartender was cool. He would bow to us every time he made a drink.
Dan, Diana and I all danced to Techno, which I am surprisingly decent at. She and Dan get along great and I sat out some with Dan's friend Brandy and a cop named Officer Kissime(His actual name, not a stage name) who bought us a shot. We were sweaty and tired by the time we left but came home and had mind blowing sex for an hour.(This is what I wrote, I did not doctor this so apparently I must be an excellent lover)"

So this is what I wrote the first time I went to a gay bar. Looking back on it, it really was an awesome experience and I am glad I wrote it down. Especially when I am short on creativity for the Lily Pad.

That is all,

Newt

Break Time

Well, we had a whirlwind weekend with Dan and Dustin. We completed the tradition of eating at Macaroni Grill and went to the Allen Outlet mall. We went and saw "Strangers With Candy". We shopped til we dropped at the Galleria. We had alot of fun with them and can't wait for them to come back.

But now that they are gone, Whew! I am exhausted. I feel fat from eating out so much, no matter that the food was great. I didn't get nearly enough sleep the last couple of days and I am not actually sure when I will be able to catch up on it. I am broke now. Oh wait, I was always broke. Scratch that last one.

I love when people come to visit. It is a little break from the mundane that is normally my life. I get to show them places that I like and usually whoever is visiting will be up for things that I want to do. It gets me out of the house and makes me experience life. It also makes me feel lazy because I normally see that I am a homebody by the end of the weekend.

So, give me a few days to recuperate and then bring it on again. This weekend, we get Thomas & Jess. We also get Def Leopard and Journey. Luckily, they aren't as crazy as "The Gays".

That is all,

Newt

I need a drink

Boy Howdy. I have been working like crazy the last couple of days(note lack of posts). I have just taken on a position with my company as the Accounts Receivable person and during my training I am keeping my old job as well.

It has been a hectic first week training. The last two days I haven't had a lunch hour and to top it all off I have been going to work early to offset some stuff. I am craving a beer to relax so I am going to have to wait on Diana to get off so we can go find dinner and a happy hour. Heck, the last couple of days have been so busy I haven't even picked up a book.

I need a rest. Luckily Dan and Dustin, the Gays as my mom likes to call them, are coming into town this weekend for a visit. This means I get too talk comic books and penis' all weekend long. I am so excited. I might even go to a gay bar and play some Mrs. Pac Man.

Wheeeeeee!!!!!

That is all,

Newt

The Inlaws is comin'

Well, its finally happening. Diana's mom and stepdad are coming to visit. They never made it to our old apartment and now they are finally stopping into town for a couple of days to do some sightseeing and go to Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor.

This visit, of course, means that we will inevitably have to clean. Luckily we have other guests coming this weekend so cleaning was already on the agenda. I always have a problem when people come to visit because I am never sure how to entertain them.

My dad came a while back and, while I think he had fun, I was constantly uneasy about making sure that he was enjoying himself. Lucky for me, Diana's parents aren't coming to stay with us, just visiting for the evening. I am all together positive that I couldn't keep them entertained all weekend.

I suppose going to dinner will be an easy way to get their visit taken care of, though I am sure that I will only hear conversation about the wedding(which can't come fast enough in my opinion). Plus we will be having two 14 year olds as Diana's stepdad is bringing his daughter and a friend. Wheee!!!

Oh what joy I have to look forward to on Wednesday. I guess comic book day will have to be postponed until Thursday.

That is all,

Newt

If I were a rich man...

Yesterday, we went to the Horse Races. Horse Races are when a bunch of silly people look at a book that has tons of information that they really don't understand, and then they look at the horses name and pick the one they like the best. Then they put money that the horse they pick will win the race, or come in second or third.

Yesterday at the Race Track in Grand Prairie, it was Dollar day. That means that parking, entry into the park, beer, soda, and hot dogs were all only a buck each. Diana, Erin and I, along with one of Erins friends, decided along with the other bazillion people that this was too good a deal to pass up.

The great part about this all was that I walked out winning. No, I can't retire but I went in with $10 and had I not blown $8 on two bad bets, I would have walked out with $20. Instead, I ended up with $12.70. But, hey at least I was a winner. And I did loose a litte before my winning streak started, so I did pretty good.

And boy howdy, a hot dog for a buck was a good deal. I only ate one, but just the idea that the plentifulness of the hot dogs is enough to make me smile. I can only assume that Dollar day was initiated yesterday because it was going to be about 100 degrees and they new that there was no other way that people would go. Still, it was a lot of fun.

Oh the possibilities for my big profits, I guess I will be able to get tea for a couple more days from Chick Fil-A now.

That is all,

Newt

The Biography of Newt

Hello all, today we delve into the psyche that is Newt the Wonder Frog. My biography is this: I am constantly trying to become something better than myself. If you don't have anything to say, Stop Talking. I just don't care!

What? Better than you already are. That is impossible you say, and I can't blame you, I am pretty terrific. Terrific is a funny word. Terrific, I like that. Anyways. I will now regale you with the Biography of Newt.

I am a six foot tall blob. I am forty pounds overweight and I am trying to get better. I have a 4o dollar a week habit that is worse than drugs because it is legal. That addiction is comic books. I am happy about 60% of the day, and the other 40 is spent at work. I constantly pick my nose. So what. Quit judging me about it. I like to stick my finger up there and dig. So sue me. I will alternate fingers to adjust for the density of a booger. And, I occasionally bring them to my mouth before I catch myself. This is like an alcoholic who almost drinks. I used to eat my boogers and it is still embedded into my mind that as soon as a finger leaves my nose, it should enter my mouth. But I do stop myself. I haven't consumed snot since 7th grade.

I am constantly trying to be funny. I will tell jokes that will make people laugh. I will also tell jokes that don't make people laugh. And when that happens, I make fun of myself because they will at least laugh at the paltry excuse for a human that is in front of them.

I love Diana. This is what really defines me. That and reading. I used to only read comics but then I discovered this lost art called books and I have never been the same. If you don't read, well SCREW YOU! It is a sad day that a book doesn't do it for you.

I hate people. Not persons, but people. Crowds make me angry. Mob mentality has never made sense to me. Think for yourselves you fudging sheep. I don't cuss much, as my last sentence shows. I want to but I don't. People are stupid. That is a fact. What one person will deem unacceptable, a group will deem acceptable. And that is just ridiculous.

I hate my fat. But I live with it. My sister makes me angry beyond comprehension. She f*#*s her life away and then expects help. This is why people make me so angry. Individualism has left the building. I am tipsy. I like to masturbate. Quit judging me. You all do it, you prudes. Stop acting holier than thou.

Humanity should probably be wiped out and we should just start over. But, as I have a disbelief in GOD, this can only happen as a natural disaster and they seem to have the bird flu under watch. So I guess I will just have to keep on going. That's what we will all do. Ride the Wave!

That is all,

Newt

You Like Dat?

Well, I am so very proud of myself. Last night, after about an hour of playing with it, I finally got a picture placed in the sidebar of this very blog. I have to say, whoever came up with HTML is a smarter man than I. I really don't know exactly how I did it. I used some code that I found from a help site and then played with it until a picture appeared.

So now, I will be keeping you abreast of my reading habits. I will be trying to keep this updated so hopefully I can keep it up.

That is all,

Newt

What a Novel Idea!

I read a TIME article last week that posed the question "Who's the voice of this Generation?" It went into how throughout the years, authors have put out work that seemingly defines that generation, yet right now there is no real voice for people in the new millennium. It traces F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway to Salinger to Kerouac to Heller to Vonnegut and mentions a few people I have never really heard of as the later generation comes along.

I never really thought about this before, but I guess its true. Most authors now days right drivel, and the few that don't are either underappreciated or way to specialized to be considered our "Voice". They did mention two awesome writers that I personally read as candidates for the voice, but their age sort of keeps them out of the running.

It is interesting to think that throughout the last 100 years we have looked at a generation by the novels they read. Books like The Sun Also Rises and On the Road helped define their perspective time periods. Yet now it seems that The DaVinci Code and The Atkins Diet sell more that introspective books. I linked the article below.

http://www.time.com/time/archive/preview/0,10987,1209947,00.html

I guess when it comes down to it, we really won't have our own "Voice". Certain people will connect with one writer, while others will discover someone completely different. Our world has evolved past having one "Voice". We are just too different. Instead, we have to carry on a "Conversation".

That is all,

Newt

Depression

I am feeling a little depressed today. I was at work and one of the salesmen dropped off some papers at my desk. He called me later to ask if I had found them, they were directly in front of my computer and were as tall as a ream of paper. He said "Just wanted to make sure you found them since you weren't home when I dropped them by."

Not Home? As if I live at the Jarvis Press. Oh, wait. I do! I spend more time there than at my apartment. I have my own phone line, which is more than I can say when it comes to the house. My screensaver comes on and comic book covers appear. I can't even think of the last time I was home long enough for my laptop to have a screen saver turn on.

It almost makes me sick to think that the average person puts in more time at their job than they do at home. We make work as tolerable as possible. Putting up pictures, bringing our coffee mugs, maybe a radio or an oscillating fan or space heater.

I just heard "Not Home" and the rest of my day was ruined. Not to mention I found out how muh weight I need to loose to be considered not overweight. And I got a long way to go. I hope to be able to salvage what little time I have at home this evening. Of course, I just put five minutes into this blog, so I guess I don't have anything too pressing going on in my life.

Woe is me,

Newt

Mama Mia! Here I go Again...

So, last night I was dragged to another of the Dallas Summer Musicals. This time it was Mama Mia. The musical incorporates most of ABBA's music as it tells the story of a girl who is about to get married and at the same time trying to figure out who her father is. I will preface this all by saying that I did not want to go see this show. I can't stand ABBA's music. It grates me.

Saying that, the show was Awesome. It was funny and didn't use all of the cliched character designs that most of the musicals we have been watching do. I laughed out loud at most of this show. The story was almost endearing. I was pleasantly surprised.

I think the reason I liked it so much was, while ABBA music was used, ABBA wasn't singing. All of the songs were used to tell the story and weren't thrown in for no reason. And, at the end of the performance the entire cast came out on stage and sang and danced. It felt like I was at a concert.

I highly recommend this musical, which is saying a lot.

That is all,

Newt

Reading is Fun...demental

I have been rather lacking in this weeks blogs. Sorry about that. That stupid Holiday has made me all turned around. So, I wanted to post today about people who don't read. These people, and I term them "Stupid", are the people that "Just wait for the movie" or "Don't like to read."

I am going to stand on my soap box for this post. I know that it would be too much to ask that every person read a book. Hell, I would be happy if everyone set a goal that they read one book a year. But that doesn't happen. I wish I knew the statistics on how many people over the age of 18 have read one book in their adult lives. You would be surprised at how low that number probably is.

Why is it so difficult for someone to read a 300 page novel but the level of laziness is high enough that they can sit and watch four hours of whatever drivel is on TV? I firmly believe that there is a book out there for everyone. Now trying to find it poses the problem. I can pick up a novel and not be able to put it down. Why can't other people?

The level of stupidity in America is rising daily and I can, with great confidence, say that it is due to people having a negative attitude to read. Maybe we should reinstitute the Book It program, but for adults. For every book they read, they get a free bottle of beer...or something like that. Being an avid reader, it really pisses me off when I know without a shadow of a doubt, that if I asked a coworker if they had read so and so book, that their answer is no.

There, now I feel a little bit better. I think I will relax and finish the book I am reading.

That is all,

Newt

It's Independence Time!

It's that time again. Time to celebrate the independence of our great country. And what did I do this weekend to celebrate my independence? By independence, I mean I was left all alone for four days, but I digress.

Friday. Dropped Diana off at airport signaling the start of "Independence Weekend." After aerobics, I watched "Night Watch", read Lost by Gregory Maguire and played Paper Mario.

Sat. Went and saw "The Devil Wears Prada" and "Click", read Lost by Gregory Maguire, and played Paper Mario. Also watched Snatch.

Sun. Went to grocery store, read Lost by Gregory Maguire, and played Paper Mario. Seeing a trend here? Also watched "Stripes" w/Bill Murray.

Mon. Worked a little, there's something new. Finished reading Lost by Gregory Maguire(Yah!), and played Paper Mario. Also watched "Almost Famous." The only real noteworthy thing was that I did get to try a new Tai place, so there's that. I went to work out but the class was canceled so I went to Half Price books and found a memoir I have been itchin' to read.

You know, I am all for that independence thing, but I just don't think it fits me so well.

That is all,

Newt

I am a teenage girl

This afternoon, I decided since everyone had left for the weekend, leaving me all alone that I would take in a movie. What did I go see but the new Anne Hathaway film "The Devil Wears Prada" Most of you that know me can attest to my love of teen flicks. This movie is alittle to that vein and the estrogen level of the movie could be felt in the theatre as I was the only male in there.

No matter the stars, the movie was good. It was the coming of age story of a girl who gets a job at a fasion magazine and her trials in realizing what she wants out of her life. It was very formulaic but otherwise enjoyable. But no, it was no Ella Enchanted.

I also snuck in to "Click." Yes it was wrong of me to watch the movie without paying but really, it was "Click." Another six bucks to watch a movie about a man who gets to see how he doesn't appreciate his life and realizes it too late, then wakes up from the dream he is having so he can change it all. It's been done and Hollywood still hasn't figured out how to fix it.

That is all,

Newt