For a good time call...

I have a confession to make. Whenever I stop to go to the bathroom anywhere that isn't a place I know, i.e. my home or that of someone I know, I always check for writing. Stall doors and the wall above a urinal are the best places to find a multitude of interesting quips. Here are a few that I continuously see.

First, the word "Penis". I have actually considered taking a camera with me and photographing this word whenever I see it and making it a coffee table book. Be it carved into a stall door or scribbled on the grout between the tile it is prevalent everywhere in America. For some reason, guys just love writing this word. I am unsure if this is a weird phallic obsession or maybe it is gender based. Do women write "Vagina" on the metal of the toilet paper roll holder?

U R Gay! Why do people write this? First, it is lazy that you can't spell out all of the words and B, why are you gay? Just because I had to drop a duece in the JC Penney stall does not automatically mean I like the weiner. And I think that whoever wrote this may have some unresolved issues they need to work out.

"For good head call 'insert name and number here'" Has anyone actually called one of these numbers? I imagine that going something like this...
Ring, Ring
"Hello?"
"Hey, yeah my name is Robbie and I am in the second stall at the Texaco out on Route 4. I am looking for Tammy."
"This is Tammy, how did you get this number?"
"Well, it says here that you give a great BJ and I was wondering if you could fit me in."
"Oh, this was my write up on the stall door. Yes, I have been getting a lot of hits from that. Let me get my appointment book and I can see what I have open."

This is the most F-ing retarded thing to do. Clearly you have to be mental to call the number to begin with and I would imagine that no one is going to just let you come on over to verify the recommendation. Also, if they were that good, would you really let that secret out or just keep it for yourself? Most likely this is false advertising.

I love the phenomenon of toilet stall graffiti. It is always random and many times entertaining. I will leave you with one I saw today on the way home from Mississippi.

A scholarly gentleman had carved "Faggat" into the urinal wall. Above that, someone used a sharpie to proclaim "Learn to Spell" with an arrow aiming at the word.

That is all,

Newt

Toes R Us

I had an interesting Wednesday trip. I got off around 2 and Diana wanted a pedicure so I decided to tag along and for the interest of reporting, get a pedicure. The closest I have ever come to having my toes done is when Diana pulled out the foot bath she owns and gave me a foot scrub so I was not sure what to expect.

Surprise, an old chinese lady ran the place. Who would have guessed? I was put in a surprisingly high tech chair, it had a message feature and swivel action, and commenced with the foot job. The woman who worked on my feet was slightly demanding. She would yank my feet around and slap them when she wanted me to lift or drop my foot.

She pushed my cuticles in, scrubbed the bottoms of my feet, and rubbed down my calves with some grainy gel. It was an odd process to say the least. They even put a clear polish on my toes to give it a nice shine.

I won't be getting another one of these though. My big toe on my right foot has had an itch on the cuticle all day and I probably have a fungal infection now that will make me have to cut it off. The one bit I did enjoy was the tickling my feet got when I was pummiced. Not sure that was worth $20. I think if I was going to give a Chinese woman $20 bucks to rub something down I should be more satisfied at the end of the thing.

That is all,

Newt

Bah Humbug!!!

I am having a big problem with Christmas this year. Not only have I gotten into a few arguments with Diana over it, I just generally don't want to celebrate Christmas this year. To date I have had 25 celebrations of Jesus' birth. 25 days of opening gifts, buying presents and making sure that everything is the way it is supposed to be. Is it wrong to want a year off?

I am in an odd place with Christmas. As a person who doesn't practice organized religion, I have taken Jesus out of the equation. Except that at the same time, I don't think that buying stuff for people just so they can open something on the arbitrary day that someone decided to celebrate the birth of Jesus is enough of a reason to celebrate.

Yesterday morning I had what turned in to an argument with Diana because she said Christmas is about giving people presents. And that's really true. No one gives a shit about little baby Jesus and the three wise men. Now its "What do you want for Christmas" and 'Black Friday' sales; making sure everyone gets a present and trying to rack your brain to come up with something that will show everyone that you love them. It makes me sick.

It is shown that when the financial economy is in crisis, the first thing to go is donating to charity. People only give when they can and that is a shame because the people who need it most get screwed so people can buy their kids and relatives stuff they don't need. So, here's what I would like to do. If I know you and you know me, then don't buy me anything for Christmas. I know, "But I want you to have something to open on Christmas." It's OK. I understand...but I don't need anything. I can live without movies and I don't need clothes. Take whatever you were going to spend on me and donate it. Here is the charities I would like to see get help this year.

The Hero Foundry is a non-profit organization that raises money to donate Graphic Novels to underfunded Libraries. It gives kids a chance to read comics when their libraries might not spend the money to bring in this type of literature.

The SPCA of Texas is also near and dear to me as it is where we got Hazel. They take in strays and rescue animals of all kinds and are a no kill shelter. They are privately funded and need help.

And if you must hand me a gift so I have something to open on Christmas, just put a note in an envelope that says "An animal is still alive because I gave money in your name" or "A library now has a book they wouldn't have because of you" and I will be happier than if I got Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on DVD.

That is all,

Newt

Unrecognizable

Well, last night I decided it was time to clear the field that is my face and I shaved off my goatee. This isn't a permanent thing but from time to time I like to give my face a few days of nudiness so before bed, i got my trimmer and zipped it off, then followed it up with a razor. When I got into bed, I expected Diana to comment but she didn't notice and we went to bed.

This morning, we got up and went to work out. She said nothing about it so I left it alone. In my opinion, if your spouse makes a noticeable change to their appearance, it should be quickly apparent to you. Diana got out of the shower and I got in and she didn't notice. We were having a conversation while we were both getting ready and she didn't notice. We began to goof around and started having a staring contest. She didn't notice. I literally got inches from her face. She didn't notice. She commented that I had a double chin and I made my face look fatter. She didn't notice. She reached up and pinched my chin with her thumb and index finger. She didn't notice.

Finally I asked, "Have you noticed that I shaved off my goat?" There is a phenomenon that happens when a person realizes they have been looking at something extremely apparent and yet don't see it and that phenomenon slapped my wife in the face this morning. Loudly, she screamed, "Why did you do that?" to which I could only reply "What difference does it make? You can't seem to tell one way or the other."

As a epilogue to this story, a coworker of mine who is a dude noticed it within 15 seconds of talking to him.

Sometimes you think you know a person...

That is all,

Newt

Bringin' Down the House

Friday was an eventful day. At 8:15 am I got a call from the neighbor across the alley from me. The call went like this.

"Trinity, this is Jason. Are you home?"

"No, I am at work."

"Oh, well my partner forgot to put on his parking brake and ran in the house and his car rolled out and hit your garage."

"What?!! Does it look bad?"

"Well, your door is damaged and it hit the side of the house so I am more worried by the broken wood."

Well, we went to Lubbock on Friday so this was less than optitmal. Diana came home and took pictures. We called in for a contractor to get a look at it and got the quote today. Our house is messed up.

We came home back and forced the garage door up to get my truck out. Our garage is out of commission for the time being.

That is all,

Newt

Pop a Squat

I just walked in the bathroom and the familiar smell of burnt pumpkin hit my nose. This means my lovely wife took a quick respite and expelled a little waste. The odd thing is, I didn't notice that she had gone and it got me wondering, "How does Diana poop so fast?"

I just don't understand it. I have considered bringing Scully and Mulder in on this because it is a phenomenon that I can't explain. I can literally be in the living room and by the time I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water, Diana has gone. The only way I find out about it is if I have to pee.

I asked her today how she goes so quickly and her response was, "I only had one turd in me." What is she doing that her body only makes one little piece of poo? How is that possible? It's like a chicken laying an egg, one drop and you're done. It's weird. I am going to call Ripley's Believe it or Not and find out if this is something that they have covered before. Maybe it is next to that lady with the 50 golden rings around her neck and the bible printed on a postage stamp.

That is all, no really, that was all. "one turd."

Newt

Getting a hand job from a new guy

So I read about this guy in Germany who just had a double arm transplant. He lost both of his arms in a farming accident and his arms were severed off just below the shoulder. 6 years later he got both arms replaced and reattached. You can read the whole thing here.

None the less, it made my mind start and I wondered...isn't this kind of a gay thing to have happen? Not the loss of arms. I know that's not gay. But think about it. If he ever masturbates it's literally another mans hands doing the up and downs.

Sure, they're not attached to someone else but it still begs the question of if he should really think about it before he polishes his nob. You don't know where those hands have been.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - ACL 2008 Saturday

Well, we are on to Saturday for this years ACL Festival. Diana and I got to the park around 11 and met up with Micheal and Shelly again. We went to see the Old 97's on the big stage and lucked out by sitting in the shade of a tree.

I was lazy on Saturday and took in quite a few shows on the same stage so I could hold my spot under the tree for the Drive By Truckers show while Diana went to see Jose Gonzales. I did go walking around a little bit but it was pretty hot and I was trying not to drink as much for the day so I appreciated the shade as much as possible.

Around 4:30 we watched Erykah Badu and afterwards I did something stupid. One of the more genius things that ACL does is called Rock and Recycle. They give people who ask for it a trash bag and if you pick up cans and bottles off the ground, they give you stuff like shirts and gift bags. So, after Erykah I decided I would do that so I didn't have to buy a shirt. The only problem with this is that if you don't fill the bag up completely you get a lesser prize. Well, I filled that thing up but because I didn't have it filled to the top, I was only eligible for a bag.

Coner Oberst, who you may know from Bright Eyes, was coming up and I wasn't missing it so we took the bag and we went to get close to the stage for the concert. I have seen Bright Eyes before but the difference between that and Coner's solo music is pretty different. Awesome lyrics though.

When that let out it was pretty easy to get the bag filled and I went and claimed my official shirt. That was $20 I didn't have to spend. BooYah!!!

I wanted to go see 'Iron and Wine' but because Alison Krauss and Robert Plant was on my schedule, I had to skip it. Talk about a crowd...I had to fight my way up to get anywhere near the stage. Diana and everybody else went to see Beck so I was by myself which made it much easier to fight through things. I got pretty close and was very happy with the show. Between Alison and Robert, they switched off quite a bit and had a fun air about it.

Here is something I took for granted on Friday. I left early and didn't have any trouble leaving. Saturday I was not so fortunate. Both final shows let out about the same time so the thousands of people that were leaving made it difficult to get on a shuttle. At one point we entered what we thought was the line and a cop informed us we needed to head to the end. After walking for about 5 minutes we didn't see that an end actually existed and reconsidered using the shuttles. We headed for a cab but there were about 2000 people in line so we decided to retry the shuttle and they had the lines organized so well that we got back and were able to get on a shuttle in about 30 minutes. It was impressive.

That is all,

Newt

Shark Weak?

This is the coolest story I have heard in a long time. Guy and his dog are at the beach and the dog is swimming. The owner sees a 5 foot shark pull the dog, a rat terrier, under the water. He jumps in and punches the shark in the back and saves the dog. You can read about it here but that's the gist.

How F-ing cool is that? He just punched a shark. That isn't something you just do on a whim. You have balls to do that. I know to help protect yourself against shark if they attack you are supposed to punch them around the base of their head and it causes them to release sometimes but if I saw one of my dogs get grabbed by a shark I don't think my first thought would be to slap that bitch. I would probably scream like a girl and cry. Or at least I would have.

Now I am going to be one tough Muther F-ing Shark Puncher. They better beware. I am going to uppercut them, side swipe them and pull a "FATALITY' old school and rip their backbone out through their throat. That is if they had backbones.

Jaws, you better not get near my dogs because now I know your Kryptonite: My Fists.

Kapoow!!!!

Newt

Summer Concert Series - ACL 2008 Friday

I am not sure if we are still in Summer or not but last weekend was a three day event known as the Austin City Limits Music Festival. Diana and I attended it and after three days of music, sunshine and dust we made it home yesterday at 4 A.M.

I am going to cover this in three blogs to make sure that the festival isn't under appreciated. First and foremost, you can see all of the pictures on our Photo Site. I got up and drove to Austin on Friday by myself to attend the first day of ACL. Diana was stuck in Dallas for Friday due to work so I arrived in Austin at 10:30 and rode the shuttle to Zilker Park for the event. I met up with my cousin Micheal and his girlfriend while there and stood in line with them while they got someone from 'Vampire Weekend's autograph.

We set our chairs up to watch 'Asleep at the Wheel' and followed it up with a band I had never heard of called 'What Made Milwaukee Famous'. If you have the time, check out their music. It was fairly entertaining and made for some good listening.

One of the things I really appreciated about this type of festival is the varying degree of talent that shows up. Along with the fact that the styles are so eclectic, you get to find things you aren't familiar with. After 'Milwaukee' I broke from my cousin and went and took in Jakob Dylan. I knew the name but wasn't familiar with his stuff and was pleasantly surprised. Ironically, his father closed out the festival last year and was not very good from what I hear so to see him playing was a treat.

I wasn't the only Dallas resident to be attending the show. Erin drove down as well and after Jakob Dylan, I met up with her to watch a singer by the name of Patty Griffin sing. She was very Melissa Ethridge and at one point I looked over and saw a pair of legs in the crowd that were hairier than mine but were somehow attached to a woman of considerable girth. Crazy Lesbos.

For those who don't know, I am a closet Country fan and the 'Eli Young Band' played at the Austin Ventures stage. I went alone again but didn't care because they put on a hell of a show. I even ended up buying one of their albums on Saturday.

The final show of the night, and my second favorite performance of the entire festival was 'The Swell Season'. I met back up with Erin for this one and got much closer to the stage than any of the other concerts. It was getting darker so the temp was going down and was a nice end to the night. This is the duo that won 'Best Original Song' at the Oscars for the song "Falling Slowly" from the film 'Once'. Glen Hansard is one hell of a guitarist and can sing too. He played an acoustic Van Morrison cover where he strummed the hell out of his guitar. His duets with the other half of the band, Marketa Irlova were great and they really play well off of each other.

Sadly, this ended my first day at ACL due to the need to go pick up Diana. I had some time to kill and went to grab some dinner when I stumbled across an original A-Frame Whataburger that was decorated with a retro theme. I was so hungry from the day but I was patient after ordering my food and was paid off with an awesome meal that rivals some of the other Whataburgers I have had. There was a nostalgia to the whole thing.

The high or Friday was about 92 degrees. It was hot but not unbearable though I really appreciated every $8 24oz. Heineken I drank and the tea at the end of the night could not be refilled fast enough.

That is all,

Newt

Oktoberfest 2008

Every year Addison Texas holds the annual Oktoberfest and last night we went. There was a Bier Garten, a traditional tapping of the Keg, and lots and lots of German food. It is a three day event but we only went last night. Diana and I had sausage, strudel, and funnel cake and lots of beer.

In one of my prouder moments, I competed in the beer belly contest. It consisted of me and about 10 other guys parading our bellies around for a crowd. I tried my belly rolling to get me some style points but there were a couple of guys who had plenty of years of training on me took the top two spots. I got a free appetizer to a restaurant I frequent so I wasn't disappointed.

We got to witness a yodelling contest that was pretty silly. I made our friend, Mike, compete in it. We were led in a chant for the Prost! and Zicke-Zicka, Zicke-Zicka, Hoi, Hoi, Hoi!. One awesome thing was that every year you can buy a souvenir mug and can refill it with beer for $5 a glass. Small investment but nice return.

It was a blast and when you get a bunch of people drinking and trying to speak German, you can't go wrong.

That is all,

Newt

Oh the Humanity!

My faith in Humanity has been pulled on quite a bit in the last couple of days. While on my way home Friday, I saw something that made me think people are lousy. I was sitting in my friends car and saw a bicyclist riding down the sidewalk. A car was sitting at a stop light that was about to turn green(I know this because we were on the cross light and it had turned red) and just as the biker was about to hit the street, the light turned and the car made a quick right turn.

The bikers front wheel was hit because he was entering the street and it knocked him for a loop. He didn't fall because he had slowed down quite a bit before entering the street but it took him a while to get the bike going again and after he got to the other side of the road he got off the bike and I think he was checking it out because the wheel was bent.

The driver of the car just kept going and I don't know if that is because they didn't see him tap the car or if they just didn't want to deal with it. It all happened so fast that I am not 100% sure that he even hit the car but none the less, if they did know and just drove off then there are assholes in Lewisville.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, yesterday I was sitting at Whataburger(I get it, I eat there a lot) and was reading a book and waiting for the comic book store to open. When I got my drink I smelled a man sitting in the corner and could automatically tell he was homeless. It was raining in Dallas yesterday and I have seen many times that the Homeless population and Whataburger have a relationship. He was drinking coffee and generally not bothering anyone except for his smell.

As I read and ate my breakfast I started to feel a twinge of guilt. Why didn't I offer that guy breakfast or a burger? Why don't I go give him my Whataburger gift card so he can eat and I don't worry that he is spending cash on hooch? What keeps me in my seat when another human is suffering? I almost got up about three times and approached him but I held back. I looked over later and a man who had come in with his wife, son and newborn had bought the man lunch without even asking and I heard him say "Sir, here is lunch for you if you would like it." He sat the tray down and went back to eating with his family.

It made me feel good about people and bad about myself. I could have still gone to the man and offered him something but my pettiness came through and I thought that people would only think I was doing that because someone else had first. It's ludicrous to think that but I did and it stopped me from being a good Samaritan.

That is all,

Newt

Nagasaki Revenge

Yesterday I had an interesting event take place. I was on my way to an eye doctor appointment and was in the process of making a right turn into a 4 lane road. The lane I was turning into had a solid white line in it so I was turning into a protected lane.

Well, apparently I was the only one who ever learned about the white line thing because as I am turning, I hear a tiny little "beeeeeeeeep". At first I didn't see anyone but when I completed my turn, I noticed that a little Japanese or Chinese guy in a small silver car had jumped from his lane into the lane to his left and was flailing his arms about.

It took a moment before I realized that he had gotten over because I was turning and he was flinging his arms around because he thought I was going to hit him. The stupid thing was that there was no way I was anywhere near him as I had turned into my lane. I was going to just shrug it off but then things got serious.

Little fucker gave me the finger! I mean, who does that? He zoomed in front of me and the whole time he is just waving his hands in the air in the "What the Hell?" movement. You may have seen this before from your father or mother when you thought to yourself, "Sure, I can jump my bike off that curb" or "The tattoo is such a good idea".

Anyway, I don't know what came over me but I got pissed and I threw my middle finger up and aimed it in his general direction. And I added some gusto to it. Then, he waved his arms some more so I waved my arms back at him and with an elaborate hand gesture I kindly pointed out that I was in my lane and he was a fucktard. Stupid jerk.

I was afraid he might turn all kamikaze on me so I entered the highway instead of staying on the service road. Little turd made me so mad though.

That is all,

Newt

Ironic Holiday

It seems slightly ironic that a holiday called Labor day, which is designed to give the working citizen a day off, is one of the most exhausting weekends that I have had in a while. The weekend had 4 people visiting, plus a baby, it had a barbecue that got larger than I expected, and I had to work at the comic book store on Saturday.

Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing my friends and definitely was glad to see my baby but I needed a re-Labor day to make up for the lack of sleep. We stayed up late talking and got up early to, well I am not actually sure why but lets blame the baby since she was up anyway.

We spent Labor Day saying goodbye to everyone and trying to relax to prepare for work. I know a lot of people who love 4 day weeks but I have to say, it is too much stress for me. I hate going back after a day off because you never know what you are going to get. It's funny that at the end of Labor Day I felt like I had worked and I still haven't caught up on my sleep.

That is all,

Newt

Not the face, Not the Face

I have been taking more fruit in my lunches lately and every time I go to eat a peach, all I want to do is hurl it at someone. While this in and of itself is disturbing, the main thing this brings to mind is a random question. If you had to, would you rather be hit in the face by a peach, a banana or a kiwi?

Please state your reasons.

That is all,

Newt

Maybe later...

Isn't it funny how you will have something to do but can't bring yourself to do it. Then when you finally break down and do whatever it is you need to, you want to kick yourself for being such a lazy ass.

Right now, I am avoiding mowing my yard, giving the dog a haircut, and cataloging my comics. I have forgone these things which need to be done and instead have chosen reading, surfing the Internet, and I am considering playing Nintendo.

Did people do this in the old days. Did Farmer Joe wake up and avoid getting on his tractor? Did the inn keeper dottle in the kitchen to avoid changing sheets? Did the village idiot do a crossword instead of his duty of flinging poop at passers by?

I tell myself to quit being a procrastinator but I don't have it in me. I just can't make myself do work today.

That is all,

Newt

What Would Jesus Read

I was reading Fight Club today on my throne when I had a stunning hypothetical that I want to know feedback on. This springs from a foray into the Gigantic Half Price Books store in Dallas.

Lets just say God comes down and says, "I feel that I screwed up a little by giving you guys so much free will. So, I have decided to put limits on the human race. I am going to have to grandfather everyone in on this rule so to be a kind God, I am going to let you choose 5 authors and you will only be able to read the books that they have written for all eternity. If they write something new, you can read it but otherwise you are stuck with the choices you make." What would you do?

I would say, "God, that is a right perplexing problem but I think I can do that. My Five choices are:(in no particular order)

Ray Bradbury because his catalog is extensive and he covers multiple genre. His Sci-Fi is great, his prose is intelligent and his madcap style is hilarious.

Chuck Palaniuk because he never writes the same thing twice, he is consistently creative and he has a twisted mind that breathes fresh air into his stories.

Kurt Vonnegut because he saw the world with eyes that I wish I could have glimpsed out of and he pushes points with humor that most people can't get across with facts.

Neil Gaiman because he writes with a bit of sophistication but not with too much seriousness.

And finally, I guess I would have to finish the list with

J.R.R. Tolkien because if I am to be limited to 5 authors, let one of them be so creative as to have written a world, not just a story.

Then I would tell God how nice it was to make his acquaintance and go take all of my other books to the designated spot for relocation.

So, put yourself in front of God and ask yourself, What Would Jesus Read.

That is all,

Newt

What in Stagnation?

Well, things have been a little predictable around the lily pad the last few weeks and I have been trying to break out of the funk. Two things are being done to accomplish this.

First, I started reading Fight Club. No, that doesn't mean I am going to sell all of my stuff and go live in a house with a bunch of guys that are going to ritualistically beat me and I, in turn, them. No, this is significant for one reason: I have been afraid to read it.

Now I know what you are thinking..."Why are you afraid of a book?" Simple answer: Expectations. I have read almost every Chuck Palahniuk book written except his newest couple and Fight Club. Brad Pitt and Edward Norton opened my eyes to Palahniuk. I have been creeped out, turned on, and cranked up over his writings, and the Big Daddy of his books has always been Fight Club. Therefore I didn't want to have an inkling of disappointment in it so even tough I own a signed copy of it from a meeting a few years ago with Chuck, I still haven't cracked it.

That all changed yesterday. I am breaking down the smallest of walls in my library. Maybe there is a speck of knowledge to be gained from the thing that I just couldn't handle until now. Maybe I won't be afraid to take a punch to the face(who am I kidding? Not the face!!!). Hell, I could even hate it and have put all this time into something for no payoff. Occupo Libri.

The second thing is I have started writing again. I got this odd quote in my head a few days ago and I went out the next day for a composition notebook and have been writing ever since. Some is nonsense, there is a story of some sort mixed in, and there are many random thoughts that need somewhere to go. No matter, it is good to put a pen to paper. And I am writing in pen which is about the most uncharacteristic thing I have taken to doing.

I have to figure that if you don't mix up the batter of life, you just end up with a shitty tasting cake.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - Journey, Heart and Cheap Trick

Well, I was almost going to wait until later to post this because I was feeling lazy but I felt blogging about a July event in August was just not responsible.

We celebrated Diana's Birthday on Sunday by going to dinner at Gloria's Mexican Restaurant on Greenville. A bunch of friends came along and we had a grand time. Afterwards, about half of the group went to SuperPages.com center for the second 80's rock out that we have been to this weekend.

We arrived a little late so we only saw two or three Cheap Trick songs. No big loss, let me tell ya. Heart came out and really put on a great show. Bad thing was I just kept imagining Guitar Hero song riffs when Barracuda was sang.

Journey finished out the night. For those of you who don't know, the lead singer of Journey, Steve Perry, left the band in 98. They have since replaced him with this guy: Arnel Pineda. He was the lead singer in a Journey cover band from the Philippines. And I'll be damned if he didn't rock out the house and bring a young vibe that has been missing. We saw them last year and this was a hell of a lot better.

We don't have any more concerts lined up until ACL in September(eat your heart out Thomas).

That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Boneheads

Two canines were caught today in the act of a felony misdemeanor. Hazel Nut and her accomplice Duncan Nonuts were caught today in the act of robbery with the intent to consume illegal contraband. Suspects, seen here, were caught by Officer Trinity at the home of the Vaughn's of Lewisville.

Suspect Hazel Nut, seen with stolen bones from the Vaughn's pantry, showed remorse in her questioning. Be warned, some of the crime scene footage can be horrifying. It appears the two suspects let themselves into the Vaughn pantry sometime between the hours of 8 and 5 this afternoon and were unable to make away with the rawhide before an officer arrived at the scene.

Duncan Nonut was not at the scene at the time but had tried a hasty escape through the dog door. Finding both exits blocked and having a genetic condition of Tiny Legs, he was forced to turn himself in. After pleading 'Not Guilty' he was later discovered with some of the evidence that he had apparently hidden in the Vaughn's Kitchen.

Hazel is in solitary confinement at the moment and Duncan is under house arrest.

That is all,

Newt

Dr. Horribles Sing Along Blog

Well, I discovered something new and fun. There is a web series that was release about a week ago called Dr. Horribles Sing-Along Blog and it stars Neil Patrick Harris as a would be mad scientist who tries to talk to his true love while fighting his arch nemesis "The Hammer". Oh, and there is singing. Below is a sample from Episode 1.

You can buy all three episodes on iTunes or look on YouTube for some of the songs. It was extremely different and also quite entertaining to hear the other side of a superhero rivalry with inventive music to go along with it. I would highly recommend it.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - Bryan Adams & Foreigner

What a night. Last night we did a double feature of 80's goodness with an outdoor concert featuring Bryan Adams & Foreigner. I bought $10 lawn seats and I have to say that this was probably the best concert I have seen for the money spent.

My $10 got me lawn seats that were pretty close in relation to the stage. Bryan Adams is the man in terms of hits and for an hour and a half he played them all. The coolest part of the night was when he stopped playing to ask that someone from the audience come up on stage and sing with him. He looked around the front rows and found a woman, Jill, to bring up on stage. His choice was great because not only was she from Chicago(boos erupted from the crowd) but she was entertaining. I don't remember which song they sang but she knew the words and during the course of the duet, she rubbed up on Bryan, they bumped butts, and she shook her booty while he played the guitar. It was awesome.

Foreigner did a really good job as well. The lead singer wasn't the original but he looked like he had stepped out of the 80's with his long hair and colorful open chested shirt. They played all the hits from 'Urgent', 'Dirty White Boys' and 'Jukebox Hero' and a couple of lesser known. I wrote a blog on the awesomeness of this band a while back that you can read here.

It was a blast to see and I can't recommend them enough.

That is all,

Newt

Music drives me crazy

Last night we had a crazy evening which involved our CD collection. I know that a lot of people have started using iTunes and buying all of their albums online and, while I do that occasionally, I still like to have the actual CD from a store.

About a year ago, we went and bought one of those CD Binders that we put all of our CDs in so we don't have to have the cases laying everywhere. Well, Diana got the idea in her head that it was time to put all of the CDs that we have recently accumulated into our CD binder. That's when the trouble started.

It began with her going around collecting all of the CDs from the cars and rooms in the house. The first problem...we went to a Bright Eyes concert about 8 or 9 months ago and when Diana wasn't looking, I bought a CD and hid it in my car. She didn't want me spending money at the time so I was trying to be sneaky. Well, I hid it in my truck and forgot about it and I heard her yelling from the garage, "Dammit Trinity, you have a CD in here that you haven't even opened." I was caught red handed and had forgotten I committed a crime. Whoops.

Well, she sat on the floor and pulled all of the CDs out of their cases and started to put them in their places when I decided to join her. She looked down when it was time to put in a Ben Folds album and asked me, "Do you only have the 3 Ben Folds CDs?" Well, I have 5 and after looking, we couldn't find 2 of them. Then, we noticed that our first John Mayer album was missing. And Diana couldn't find the latest Dixie Chicks Cd. It was starting to look like we had lost some of our music.

This prompted me to have to get the box of CD cases out of the attic and the two of us opened every case and compared it to the binder. About 3/4 of the way through, we were missing 5 CDs. I were starting to get worried because I knew that I hadn't been using them. As Diana got up to get something from the kitchen, I looked up and right in front of me was the CD player.

Little side note: Diana puts CDs on as she is house cleaning. I hit the open button and sure enough, there were the majority of the missing CDs. Yet, still we were missing Ben Folds. So we continued our search. We went through all of the cases and they were still missing. So then we had to give up and Diana started putting the last of the CDs in the sleeves.

Diana and I have had issues with spelling before but she must have been really off yesterday because she had a hard time finding the Ben Folds albums because I had hidden them under F. They weren't the Ben Folds Five albums so I stuck them in alphabetically. Who'd a thunk?

The frustration that was beamed towards my wife last night was momentous. No CDs were missing and I felt like the last hour of my life was wasted.

That is all,

Newt

I'm a Bean Bag

Well, we spent Thursday and Friday in Lubbock for the 4th with the little Addition. We got to Lubbock Thursday afternoon and I was able to spend almost 2 days with my baby. Lets just say that I don't think there is a more perfect baby out there right now. She is doing so good with making noises and pushing off with her legs.

The proud parents thought they were going to throw me for a loop by letting me change diapers but I handled it like a pro. I also became a good place to rest the baby for her nap.

We had a great time and took Addie to the street fair to allow her to get her pores clogged with sausage on a stick, roasted corn, and crappy music.

While we were there, Dan and Jeremy came over for dinner and the six of us sat out on the back porch drank beer and wine and visited for what was one of the best nights I have spent with friends in a long time.

One little issue with the entire night was the end. After spending some time on 4 bottles of beer, half a bottle(or more probably) of a bottle of wine, and another glass of wine that Dan gave me, I was pretty drunk. We had a delicious dinner of jalapeno and chicken and finished it off with a tasty Jello and shortbread dessert that looked like a Japanese version of the American flag.

Note to self, Do Not Get Drunk and Eat Jello. I awoke at 4 a.m. to the knowledge that I was going to need to puke. I had to use the bathroom closest to Addie's room so I tried to do something that I don't think is possible...Puke Quietly.

I am pretty sure I saw a few of the Blueberry States off the flag that night. The inside of the toilet looked like something that would be thrown out to attract sharks. Also, vomit is really hard to control. I did my best and Addie didn't wake up so I guess I did a decent job.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - Rascall Flatts

Well, we went to see Rascal Flatts and Taylor Swift on Sunday. Talk about a crazy concert. When we go there, there were were more people at the Superpages.com center than I have ever seen at that place. Also, the most number of skirted 19 year old drunks.

The concert started with a duet of dudes that were boring. Taylor Swift came out pretty quickly afterwards and played all of her hits. The great thing about seeing Ms. Swift was the fact that there was a guy at the concert with his girlfriend that was getting so into the music that he was singing along with 'Tim McGraw' and 'Slammin' Screen Door'. No, it wasn't me but I was right behind him.

Rascal Flatts put on a hell of a show. It literally started with a bang as they had a screen where a meteor was shown flying towards the screen and when it hit, sparks flew and the band came out. Damn, they have a lot of hits. It was an awesome concert that I didn't expect that much of.

The only real problem that we had during this concert was that there was a large amount of 19 to 21 year olds who couldn't hold there liquor. Between 15 and 20 girls started drinking before Taylor Swift came on and didn't stop. They started on a blanket in front of us and there were a few of them that wouldn't stop cycling out to go get drinks.

When Rascal Flatts came on, their friends joined them and they were so loud that we could barely hear. They kept taking over our space and one of them was so close to me that I got some of her sweat on my arm. For some reason, they started a brawl that broke up a big portion of the group. They were still being annoying though so we finally had to move.

Here's a question. Why the hell would 20 people spend $30 to stand around and talk? Why not just throw a huge party with a cover and be done with it? Teenagers are stupid.

That is all,

Newt

Things that go Bump in the Night

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness. On Monday morning, Diana and I got a scary wake up call, literally. Hazel and Duncan started barking about 5 a.m. and took off running downstairs and out onto the patio. This isn't that uncommon of an occurrence but this time they didn't stop after a few seconds.

Diana woke me up and had me go downstairs to check and see what the commotion was. I headed downstairs and didn't see the dogs, they were running in and out of the dog door. I looked out the peep hole and, swear to God, there looked like three people were standing outside the front door.

I checked a couple of times and what I think I saw were three people standing almost in a line. My first thought was that they were staring down the street looking at a different house, like maybe they had run from somewhere and were hiding. I ran to the kitchen to get the flashlight and when got back, I turned on the front porch light.

I also went around putting lights on and checked the back patio to see if someone was out there. The dogs kept running outside and I ended up locking them in. Once I had the front light on I checked the peep hole. I was doubtful that I really saw someone. I looked again with the lights on and there looked to be a man standing next to the pillar on our front porch. I immediately yelled, "Who's there?" and "Is there someone there?"

I had a flashlight and I flashed it through the windows. I peeked through the blinds but I never could see anyone. I checked the hole again and still saw the man. He didn't move and wouldn't say anything so I knew it wasn't one of my neighbors in trouble. I said something else to try to scare him away but he just stood still, almost like a ghost.

After a while, I didn't see the man outside so I double checked all of the rooms, garage and the doors and windows and we went back to bed. I checked around the house once the sun came up and couldn't see any signs of break in. I can't be sure that I saw anything for 100% and I consistently doubt my own story. Our peephole is scratched, there was no sign of break in, and I never got a clear look at anything.

Needless to say, the alarm company is coming out on Friday to activate the alarm system. One scary wake up is enough 'cause my fat ass standing in my boxers with a flashlight is a far cry from a uniformed officer in terms of protection.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - Death Cab

Tuesday continued the SCS 2008 with a Death Cab for Cutie concert and all I have to say is "Ha Ha Thomas. In Your Face!!!". Diana was out of town so I had to go to my back up wife, Erin, for company. To start off my "date", Erin and I went to a Hibachi grill for dinner. That turned out to be a bad idea. Not because the food was bad but because it put us behind so late that we missed most of the opening band, Rouge Wave.

We did actually make it to see the last two songs and those were pretty good. We also got up as soon as it was over and hit the shirt table where I stood in line for 10 minutes to get my lovely new shirt celebrating the greatness of DCFC. My "date" got us beer and we went back to our seats.

So, here is a funny little story. I have been feeling a little bit older due to going to these concerts and seeing all of these younger concert goers enjoying themselves. Not only does it make me remember being that age but it also causes me to realize that I am getting older. So, I guess you can say that I am the creepy old guy at the concert and here is the proof.

Erin and I were sitting in our seats and I looked over two chairs at a girl who had bought and was wearing the girl version of the shirt I had just purchased. I thought this was a funny coincidence so I looked over and said, "Hey, I like your shirt." She didn't realize I was talking to her but our eyes met and it hit her that I was looking at her so she said, "What?"

I said again, "I like your shirt" and she got very uncomfortable and said, "Oh...thanks." I realized she didn't understand what I meant so I said, "No, because I have the same shirt. See?" This didn't seem to make her more comfortable so I just said "OK, sorry. Just ignore me" to which Erin threw in, "Just ignore him, he talks to everyone." Talk about uncomfortable.

Luckily, the concert started and I was able to forget the incident with all of the freakin' awesome music. Best concert I have hit so far. The music was consistently great, very small amounts of time between songs, and they played all of their hits. This is the concert that I tried to see 4 years ago in Houston and luckily it was worth the wait. So Thomas, when you finally do see DCFC, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

That is all,

Trinity

Summer Concert Series - Flashback

So, I have been talking about all of my concerts this year and thought I would go back and discuss something that happened to me and my HLM, Jessica and Natalee when we had the unfortunate luck of going to a Death Cab for Cutie concert in Houston back in college.

Back in the day we got the opportunity to go see DCFC in Houston at a dive bar. We bought tickets months in advance, drove 11 hours to Houston and stayed at Jessica's parents house. That Saturday, rain hit. Not pouring rain but a drizzle that was consistent and didn't want to stop. We headed for the concert around 5:30 or so and stood outside in an alleyway for over an hour while Mother Nature urinated on us.

Just before the doors were to open we saw movement at the front of the line. Finally, we were going to get inside where there wasn't rain. Yippee. Then disaster struck. Like a game of phone, people began to say that the concert was cancelled. Were they lying as a joke? Was this some plot to move up in line? Could the Gods be that cruel?

SERENITY NOW!!! A transformer blew and the bar had no power. The band could not play. It was like that song "The Day the Music Died." How could this happen? We were cursed. In defeat we had to walk away. It was a cruel world.

We made the best of a bad situation and took in a show at the Houston Improv that had Pablo Francisco and a couple of other no name funny acts. It was enjoyable but disappointment leaves a bad taste in your mouth that even laughter can't get rid of. The car ride back to Lubbock was one filled with disappointment.

This story has a point that will be apparent in my next post.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series Part 3

Well, the Concert Series continues. We went to see Chicago and the Doobie Brothers on Sunday and this is the first outside event we have been to so far. It was held at Superpages.com Center(Formally Smirnoff Music Center) and it was fairly warm outside.

The opening act was some weird Latin singer who sounded like Enrique Iglesias and Josh Grobin's love child. Not so much. The Doobie Brothers were the middle act and I have to say that they put on a pretty good show. Below is a video of the old ladies who must be die hard Doobie Brothers fans. Sorry for the tilt but I thought I would be able to turn the video and I can't.

One of the more interesting things was the fact that there was a lady that had to have been in her 70's and when the music started, she was up dancing. She started drawing a crowd and it got pretty big. Erin took video but, lets just say Erin is no Spielberg and I didn't want to put it on here for fear people would start getting sick.

Chicago was a slight disappointment. You could say that they weren't "My Inspiration". The initial set was mostly stuff no one knew with a couple of semi-well known songs. They played a few of there hits but decided those had to be mashed together so we would get 2 song mash ups instead of the total song. The encore was the best part because along with the hits, they brought the Doobie Brothers out and started playing with them.

All in all, it was worth the $10 we spent for the tickets.

That is all,

Newt

Four!!! the love of Pete

I really broke out of the mold that is my norm and on Friday I went golfing for the first time. A coworker of mine works weekends at a really nice country club here in Frisco called Stonebriar so a few of us from work decided to go shoot 18 holes on Friday.

Let's start this off by saying the only times I have even hit a golf ball were when I went to putt putt, shot that one ball through my neighbors window, and when I have hit golf balls at a range in Midland once. To put it mildly, I was no Tiger Woods.

But, I was invited and a guy I know had a set of clubs I could borrow so Thursday I went to the golfing range by the house and shot some balls, I went and got a hat that I bought for the game but really just wanted, and on Friday I teed off.

Guess what, I'm not that bad. I had a rule to play quickly because being inexperienced and playing when people were right behind you was cruel to others around me. I actually skipped three holes throughout the course of the game just so we could stay ahead. I figured since I was only playing for fun and was just seeing what I could do, it wouldn't hurt to just skip a few.

In the end I shot a 104 with three skipped holes. My highest number was 11 shots, I never made par, and I lost about 4 balls. It was a good day. I played a $200 a round golf course for free, got my own cart, and had a hell of a lot of fun. Who knew?

I have to give my clubs back but after talking to my dad today, he let me know that there was a set in the garage in Midland so all I have to do is buy a putter and some drivers and I will be ready to go again. I think we are going to try to play over the 4th. For a sport I couldn't stand watching on TV as a child, I really enjoyed myself.

That is all,

Newt

Digital Crime

So, I have been having this ongoing discussion(argument) with this guy from work who constantly uses a bit torrent site to watch movies that he doesn't pay for and some that haven't even left theatres. He also does this with music. His argument is this...

"I download them and watch them once and then delete them. The movie studios are making enough money that me doing this isn't hurting them."

We have gotten into countless heated debates about this because I am of the opinion that not only is this breaking the law, which he doesn't deny or argue, but that morally it is wrong. Here is my stance...

"While I understand that sometimes you watch a movie or buy a CD that is bad and you feel you have wasted your money, that does not give you the right to steal. Also, movie studios and music labels do have tons of money flooding in but just because someone is rich, it does not give anyone the right to steal from them. We can't have standards of law for different classes of people. Just because someone has more money doesn't give you the right to take their property."

I know this is very Republican of me but I don't understand why people feel it is their right to take this. I do think their is one loophole to all of this and that is media sharing.

If I buy a CD and let someone copy it, then that is my property that is being utilized. While I understand that also hurts the music industry and movie sales, at least this is something that I have initially bought. Truthfully, I only allow one or two people to share music with me and most of the time that is not buy burning media but buy copying it for listening use only.

Am I wrong on this? Maybe for the sharing stuff I am. I don't know. I will say that I know I am right in the movie download thing but I am not adverse to admitting that I am a tad bias on the sharing topic. I just don't understand when people started to feel entitled to stuff that wasn't theirs. By the way, I really need to issue an apology to KMart for stealing all of those trading cards when I was younger.

That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - I'm Pooped

A couple of days ago I was sitting at home with Duncan and Hazel and smelled something funny. I looked over and what did I see but Duncan nibbling on something behind the coffee trunk. I knew they didn't have any food and I was perplexed when I yelled "Duncan" and saw that sitting between his paws was a turd. Not much of one really, just about the size of a Rolo. I had to go pick it up and throw it away. I can only imagine what preceded this event.

Hazel: Yo, yo, yo Dunc-Man, what are you doing outside when it is so hot?
Duncan: Well Hazel, I am slightly hungry and, well, do you remember a few days ago when we were given those bones? Well, I have really been craving another one of those and I found a piece of your poop that seems to have the same flavors and...well you figure it out.
H: Are you eating my $#!+???
D: What do you think I'm doing? I'm not proud of myself but I am an over eater. Mom and Dad haven't been home much and it makes me sad. When I get sad, I eat. Then I feel happy again.
H: But Dad is home. Why you sad now?
D:....Just leave me alone.
H: You like the taste don't you? You like to eat $#!+ don't you? You just made up that sad story so I wouldn't judge you. You are a disgrace to the canine race.

A slight pause is taken as Duncan reflects on what was just said. Finally, he begins to respond when he sees Hazel's ass in his face.

H: Here, why don't you just go to the source? You can pretend it is a soft serve machine. Sorry, we are all out of cones. HA HA!!!
D: That's it, I am taking my snack in the house where you can't behave like this. Dad probably won't even notice since he is watching the talking box.

Well, I did notice but there is no telling how long it actually took me. Needless to say, it does confirm my suspicions that Duncan's breath doesn't naturally smell like poop.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series Part Deux

Well, if you read my last blog, and who didn't, you know that the VAUGHN SUMMER CONCERT SERIES 2008 has officially kicked off. So, Thursday night, my lovely wife and I journeyed to the heart of Dallas to see one of the bands the kids are all listening to, Augustana.

Now, I originally heard of Augustana when I was listening to Kidd Kraddick one day. I have since stopped abusing my self in this way but there was the one benefit from it as I heard of this band. They played an acoustic set on his show and I liked the sound of it so I bought the album.

They are now on tour for album number 2 and the tickets were $15.50 so I was all for going to the show. Apparently so were a lot of lesbians and people under 21 as the majority of the people there were underage or rug munchers (affectionately).

The concert opened with an Irish gentleman named Paddy Casey that was a one man guitar show. He was hellishly hard to understand when he talked but he had an awesome voice and did an acoustic cover of "No Diggity" that was great.

Wile Sweet Orange was up next but I don't recommend them. Their instrumental music was great but I couldn't stand the singer and his mike was turned up so loud that all I walked away with was a ringing in my ears.

Augustana is probably best known for their radio hit "Boston" that got a lot of play last year. They did an awesome job and I would recommend them highly. I am pretty sure the lead singer did a couple of lines or some other narcotic before he went on stage because he was constantly adjusting his hat and had a weird habit of smoothing out his hair. Who cares though because the entire band put on a hell of a show. The most amazing thing was how versatile the entire band was musically. They jumped around on instruments, most of them sang, and they looked good while doing it. I would have bought a shirt but it was cash only.

I always like going to the House of Blues and this visit was no exception. If you haven't checked out Augustana, I recommend them for some light listening.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series 2008

Well, it is officially summer as the Vaughn 2008 Summer Concert Series has kicked off. We actually started this one off with a double dose of music and theatre. On Wednesday, Diana and I took in the Broadway musical "The Drowsy Chaperone" and followed that up Thursday with a little trip to the House of Blues Dallas for Augustana.

The Drowsy Chaperone was one of the most interesting musicals I had seen just from the way the story is told. It begins with a lonely, depressed narrator who is so down that he decides to listen to an old recording of a play titled "The Drowsy Chaperone." He would start the record and then give a play by play of the show throughout. His comments would range from, "The music is lovely in this but I have to warn you, ignore the lyrics" to "I have to go pee" and all the while you could see his love for the show. Of course, the show was actually being performed on the stage.

What was most interesting was that the narrator interacted with the play as it was being performed. The performers never acted as if they saw him but he constantly paused the record and moved in between the actors to tell us interesting tidbits about them. He also joined in on some of the songs, which was hilarious.

The best gag that was employed was the use of the record as a storytelling device. It would skip and the actors would get caught in a loop of the same song, the narrator would stop the record and replay pieces of it to show the audience something, and at the intermission(of the record, not the show as there wasn't an intermission) he accidentally started the next act with the wrong record and we were shown some old Japanese musical that had a song called "What is so interesting about Asians."

That is part one of the Summer concert series. It will continue tomorrow. If the "Drowsy Chaperone" comes to town, go see it would you?

That is all,

Newt

I'm Excelling

Well, I had an interesting Friday. By the way, the definition of interesting has changed to...

def: slow, time consuming, and causing a person to want to stab their eyes out and stick them in their ears.

So, "interesting" day, I spent the majority of my Friday sitting in a Microsoft Excel training class to better understand the functions of Excel 2007. It was lead by an "interesting" man who was very knowledgeable in the ways of Excel.

This just in, the word knowledgeable's definition has been updated for 2008.

def: fat idiot who doesn't know what the hell he is talking about and has to have the class help him do his job by doing exercises that aren't correct and making me help figure out what he is doing wrong. - Noun.

I was in class from 9 to 3:15 with an hour and fifteen minute lunch and a 2:45 cookie break. Somehow I am not sure my company spent their money wisely on this purchase. Some of the more interesting tidbits from the training.

1. The girl next to me offered me a Banana Nut muffin. I refused but the gesture was nice and we heckled the teacher quietly.
2. I was able to eat at Freebird's for lunch.
3. Leaving early is nice.
4. Did I mention cookie time?

I pretty much wasted my day yesterday and got maybe 5 pieces of information I will use. The teacher was a man of girth whose back jeans pockets only see each other when they are folded in a drawer because they are facing different hemispheres when they are worn and he waddled. Who waddles anymore? That is so last year.

So if anyone needs to know something about Excel, give my teacher a call and then he will call me and we can get you an answer on that.

That is all,

Newt

Nice is the new mean

I have been so nice to Diana the last couple of days and it is a trying experience. I am not trying to say that she makes it hard to be nice to her or that I have a hard time being nice to her but for the last two days I have made it a point to really put my best foot forward. The most trying part about the entire thing is my need to say shitty comments and point out if someone or something is wrong.

Throughout the weekend, I have been really pleasant. I went shopping for two days...in a row. I let Diana buy whatever she wanted and while in the mall, I didn't complain about boredom, hurt feet, sleepiness or the time. I picked out a new bathing suit for her, and she listened to me and bought it. I shared a Blizzard and fed her as she shopped. And I did this all in public.

We really got back to the basics of our relationship Diana getting her way and me trying not to be too much of a smart ass.

That is all,

Newt

I'm Gonna Hurl

So, I was recently at the Emerald City ComicCon in Seattle a couple of weekends ago and got a few more pieces in my series of comic book characters that are vomitting. A gentleman named Andy Kuhn who is a comic book artist has a fun little schtick that he does at conventions. He will draw your favorite comic character throwing up.

Well, I couldn't pass this up so last November at Wizard World Texas, I got him to draw me an Iron Man that was hilarious. He was also at this years Cape Free Comic day in Dallas where I decided to get the entire founding Avengers Lineup hurling. I got him to draw me a Hulk and a Thor to add to the collection. I also knew he would be in Seattle as well so I got him to finish off the founding Avengers lineup with a Captain America and a Ant Man and Wasp. Below are the works of art.

That is all,

Newt

Godfather Part 2

I am officially a Godfather and boy are my arms tired. Just kidding. That is the end of a really lame joke that little kids tell all the time, and 1950s comedians. On May 7th, Addison Ray Reynolds, aka "Addition", came into the world and I was so busy that I couldn't rush to Lubbock to see her. I am aware that this will probably leave emotional scars that Thomas and Jessica will force me to pay for therapy to correct. I am starting the savings account now.

I met my baby...er I mean my Goddaughter on Saturday morning and she was so excited about the event that she immediately passed out and didn't regain consciousness all weekend. Luckily, I was there to hold her, and hold her I did, hence the arms being tired. See it all comes back together. Also, we had a monumental bonding experience as I was with her for her first trip to Spanky's. Ah, memories.

She is the most precious little pile of skin and bones around. She is such a sweet little thing. Her head rolls around if you aren't careful and let me just tell you, if you have ever seen a little humans head flop back like dumpster lid that you open to fast, well it definitely makes your butt hole clench.

I already miss spending time with her but at least her memory is not top notch yet so she will probably not remember that I am not around much. Clearly, I will be spending a lot more time in the Hub City from now on.

That is all,

Newt

The Goon

I need to make a recommendation to anyone who reads comics or likes slightly perverse humor. I picked up a new graphic novel of a comic book called The Goon. It is about this strongman who runs the crime in a small town and aided by his foul mouthed sidekick, Frankie, he rules the city.

Now this may not sound funny but here are some of the things the Goon encounters.

1. The Goon fights a scientist that accidentally covered himself in gold and his name is Dr. Alloy. He is misunderstood because all he wants is people to eat his creamed corn.

2. The Goon battles the Zombie King and his horde of slack jaws. Mostly by running over them and setting them on fire.

3. The Goon gets turned into a giant gorilla and fights a giant lizard that only speaks Spanish. Not sure what the lizard says but he says it loud.

Also added in is a random retelling of "A Christmas Story" with the Goon and crew as the characters, a man who is the opposite of the Zombie who is named the Buzzard and feeds on zombie flesh to stay alive, and flashbacks of the Goon in his life in the circus.

I was surprised by how good this book has been. I am going to get to meet the creator, Eric Powell when I go to Seattle this weekend. I recommend everyone go to their favorite books store to pick this up. I know you won't but at least I tried.

That is all,

Newt

Fresh Man 15

I got on the scale this morning and discovered that I had lost another 5 lbs. I was really surprised due to my lack of self control last week. I have put myself on a 1200 calorie a day diet for the past month and last week, I only kept to that count once. So low and behold, I have lost a total of 15 lbs so far on my journey to sexiness.

It is an amazing feeling to loose 15 lbs. Not so much in that I can tell just by looking but also due to the fact that 15 lbs is a lot of weight. Think about what weights 15 lbs.

1. a 6th month old baby
2. my dog
3. a 15 lb bowling ball (Have you ever tried bowling with one of those things? Makes my wrist hurt just thinking about it.)
4. two human heads(thanks Jonathan Lipnicki)
5. This guys fish. Nice catch by the way ->

So I am pretty proud of myself. I mean, ask that kid if he knows how it feels to carry around 15 lbs and he might just say "It makes your hands smell like tuna" and he would be right.

That is all,

Newt

Finger Lickin' Bad

My butt hole was violated yesterday. I saved this part of my physical for an entire post because I couldn't really discuss it earlier. I had a physical that was very...invasive yesterday and I am very distressed. Prepare for Too Much Information.

I apparently have hemorrhoids. It wasn't surprising as it runs in my family but to find out, I gave up my anal virginity in a way that wasn't pleasant and no, I didn't get dinner first.

I am unsure how many of you have ever heard a 5o something man say "Bend over the table" and then have your butt cheeks pulled apart but it is not a nice feeling. Especially when it is followed by a KY covered finger sliding up your bung hole and hearing "This is a standard rectal exam."

The oddest thing was the urge to clench. I expected this to be uncomfortable, which it was, but I didn't expect the body to fight it. As soon as the finger went in, my sphincter acted like a chinese finger trap. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't help trying to pinch off the docs finger.

After it was all done, he handed me a box of tissue and said, "This is for the excess jelly." He might as well have added, "Whore" to it because it felt a little like I was just used. And getting KY out of my crack in front of my doctor was a humiliating experience in itself. Imagine having to stand and wipe your ass in front of a complete stranger and you will feel my pain.

In the end, pun intended, the whole thing was more uncomfortable than painful. It was like having sex with an ugly girl. It wasn't bad, but that does not mean it was good.

That is all,

Newt

Doctor, Doctor, Give me the news...

Well, I had an awkward day. I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 years for a checkup to see if I was in good health. I was pretty sure what to expect and was right.

Have you ever had a 50 something man tell you to undress down to your underwear? How about having a 50 something man grab your crotch? No, this wasn't my family reunion and it definitely wasn't a job interview, I learned my lesson on that last one. No, it was my doctor and was one of the more uncomfortable situations in life.

As I stood there in my boxers, yes I did wear nicer ones because I knew what I was going to be doing this afternoon, I was hit with the realization that this is a normal deal. This is what people have to do when they get older. I am doing an adult thing.

I am not a fan of going to the doctor but what do you do? I have been paying for insurance for 2 years and haven't used it, and with my diet and trying to get in shape, I figured now was the time. There is another story that in itself is another blog, so read later. I gave blood, peed in a cup, and had a physical. Wait, maybe this was an interview...

That is all,

Newt

The Penis Mightier than the Sword

I had to stop at a Dairy Queen today to pee and noticed that on the stall next to the urinal, someone had scratched "Penis" into the stall wall. This has been a constant in the entirety of my life. I have pooped in the Midland Sears and there has been a "Penis" there; I have peed at gas stations all across the globe and found that "Dick", "Penis" and "F#(&" are prevalent in a majority of restrooms.

What is this ever growing need to carve these words into stalls? I have never done it but it seems that I am in the minority. Is there just an epiphany moment where a guy is standing or sitting there and thinks, "I know, I bet nobody ever thought of this. I will get my pen/keys/pocket knife out and carve a dirty word into this stall." Real original.

Do girls do this? Do they sit in the stalls and go "Vagina really needs to be carved into the side this toilet paper holder."? It is ridiculous. Not only is it vandalism, it is unnecessary and half the time people can't even spell correctly.

Penis, Penis, Penis. There. I have written it on my blog for anyone who happens to stop here. People really need to respect other peoples property and leave things alone. You wouldn't like it if I carved something into your bathroom door. Idiots.

That is all,

Newt

Rules of Enragement

Well, my friend and co-worker, LeAnn, just got Rock Band and I have spent the last 3 hours singing, drumming and rocking out on the guitar. We formed a band which shares the title of this blog and when I left we had just gained a tour bus and have over 5000 fans.

Being a fan of Guitar Hero, there wasn't much of a surprise that I love this game. The idea that video games have grown so far that we now have a fake band and don't have to have any skill to be successful in our endeavor is inspiring.

I was pretty excited when we started playing and by the end I was exhausted. I can't wait to get a chance to get the band together again so we can get through Paris, Rome, and Berlin. We peeked at the new songs that are ahead to there are some doosies. Oh the excitement.

That is all,

Newt

St. Practical Joke Day

A lot of people are celebrating St. Patrick's Day today and I challenged a friend of mine who loves the holiday to tell me what the holiday is about. She couldn't at first but we slowly worked to the "right" answer. We celebrate St. Patrick's Day because St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

This, however, isn't true. It's complete bull. St. Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland. Snakes have never been present on the Emerald Isle. So, some people believe that they are out drinking green beer because a Saint somehow drove imaginary snakes out of Ireland. I love this. If you were to celebrate its intended meaning, St. Patrick's Day is a traditional day for spiritual renewal and offering prayers for missionaries worldwide.

I want to play a practical joke that turns into a holiday. Maybe I can have "Pull My finger Day." It's an oldie but a goodie, and if I could claim it for my own then it would be doubly impressive. St. Patrick's Day has entered the realm of Valentine's Day and Christmas as being so commercially driven that t looses its intended meaning and becomes useless.

That is all,

Newt

Clap On, Clap Off...Slap her.

I had a random thought today. What would happen if you hooked a Clapper light devise into a light in the room you are having sex in?


Depending on the sexual position when you are having sex, body parts occasionally slap together. A leg will hit another leg, thigh will meet thigh, and hands will meet buttocks. If you were to have a Clapper hooked in, would your next sexual experience seem similar to Disco Night at the local Y?


I can only imagine what that would look like. You are getting your groove on in bed when suddenly you start going at it a little too hard and one "Who's your Daddy?" later, you are sitting in a bright room staring at your handprint. If you really got going, you might create a light show for the neighbors who are walking their dog outside.


One handy little device can really add some interesting experiences to the bedroom. Just be sure your partner isn't epileptic or you might have more than just an orgasm to deal with at the end of things.


That is all,

Newt

Truth be told...

Are you a good person? There has been recent controversy over that new show 'The Moment of Truth' on Fox. The show takes a person and submits them to a lie detector. If you lie, you loose everything and half a million dollars is on the line. As you are asked questions, the amounts go up. More money equals harder questions.

The hype was due to a woman that was on whose answers revealed her to have slept with someone other than her husband during her marriage, said she has taken her wedding ring off to appear single, believes she isn't supposed to be married to her husband, and blames her husband for her lack of close friends. The kicker here is she lost the game when she was asked if she thought she was a good person and answered "Yes" but it was detected as a lie.

I love the irony that she lost on such a seemingly simple question...or is it? Have you ever really sat down and thought about if you were a good person or not? At first, I would have said an easy yes, but then I started making the mental good/bad list. This is when the grey areas started to pop up.

What would happen to you if you were put under a lie detector and asked that question? Would you answer quickly? Would you doubt your answer? I think I might.

I haven't killed anyone, don't steal...anymore, haven't cheated, and don't have much ill will towards people. But, then again, I am no saint. I hide stupid purchases from my wife, I can be manipulative and selfish, I don't do much for charity and I have a mean streak that bares its ugly head when I get angry. I think that if anyone looks into themselves they will find certain things they don't like about themselves. The main thing is to never be delusional about who you are.

Going back to the lady on the show, she said she thought she was a good person but her body said otherwise. Did she try to rationalize her answer and it got her in trouble? Maybe, but at the end of the show she had alienated her parents, ruined her marriage and got judged on television...and she still thought she was a good person. Even I am not that naive.

That is all,

Newt

4 More Years

It may not surprise anyone, but being Newt the Wonder Frog means loving things that have to do with leaping. I plan on buying my kid a Leapster, my favorite game is Leap Frog, and I always look before I leap. Yesterday was a day right in my pond because it was a Leap Day.

To celebrate the elusive day that hasn't occurred since 2004 I started a new tradition that I will try to remember to that I started when 2012 rolls around, the Annual Leap Year Party. We celebrated last night with other Leap Year fiends by getting our drink on, snacking on some tasty grub, and ended the night with some Karaoke and a little Guitar Hero. I am surprisingly coordinated on the Guitar when I am inebriated.

I went so far as to purchase the letters you can get to build your own banners. We had 'February 29th' and '4 More Years' up on the walls. I love when I have parties at the house because it means I don't need a designated driver. However the wife, the dogs and anyone who sticks around after my 5th drink and a shot of SoCo probably isn't as appreciative of that perk.

Update I got an update from Diana on what I had missed at the party. Apparently, sex was had in our downstairs bathroom during the party and we had one girl throw up in the same bathroom. Kinda gross but, hey, it's a party. It's times like these I wished I had a better grasp on reality during the party.

Happy Leap Year Everybody.

That is all,

Newt

It's a small world...

Yesterday, something very strange happened to me that gave me the heebee jeebees. Diana and I went to the local mall here in Lewisville to do some light shopping and let my lovely wife cash in on a free pair of underwear from Victoria Secret. As milady was trying on some garments in the Gap, I looked up and saw....Dun dun dun...my first girlfriend Nicole.

I dated Nicole right around the age of 16 and we lasted about 4-6 months. I haven't seen her since my first year in college and she looks pretty much the same. She had on a grey polo shirt, jeans, and her frizzy/curly/mangy hair in a pony tail. Talk about hot (this is sarcasm. I only state that because my wife might cut me off if I don't make this blatantly obvious). I immediately made sure she didn't see me and took off towards the men's section of said Gap. When I could, I made a break for the door and went and sat on a bench in view of the store to make sure I could see when she left. I even called Thomas so I was on the phone in case she were to see me.

The rest of the mall visit was spent dodging her. She turned up again in Macy's and I came within feet of crossing paths with her in front of a Great American Cookie. I even faked a 'oh, could it be, what are you doing here' look when I thought she had spotted me. Thank God she didn't.

I was incredibly awkward and when Diana asked me to explain why, I couldn't give a firm reason. Could it be that I had seen some of her naughty bits? Possibly. Is it because I would have to introduce my wife to an ex? Maybe. Or could it be that I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of the whole situation? Yes, that's it. I didn't want to be faced with the 'should we hug' or the 'what are you doing here' and I definitely didn't want the 'we should hang out some time' (shudder) that constantly manifests when these instances happen.

The past should be left alone and yesterday I almost pulled a Doc Brown and went back to a place that should be left buried.

That is all,

Newt

Left, Right, Pass

Well, I'm that guy. I didn't think I would be but I found out something about myself that I didn't know... I fart while working out. Not just a slight whisper poooot, no I let real farts as I am going at it on an elliptical. I feel a slight bubble about to burst and I look at the timer on my machine and there is no way I am holding that air biscuit for half an hour.

While I am not sure if I am the first, I did come up with a system for letting these out. Not your ordinary cough/fart or your sneeze/toot. Instead, I take a look left, a look right and if I get have the all clear, the pass.

I have posted before about the beauty of my gym having TVs on all of the machines. As such, most people wear ear phones when they work out. So I look left; check, the girl in the yellow running shirt has plugs, I check right; dude who does backwards motion training is tapped, and Pass.

However, the smell I can't do anything about.

That is all,

Newt

I am Idolized

I did it. I didn't mean to do it but this year I just couldn't help myself. If anyone is to blame, its Diana. She wasn't home enough and I got lonely. I mean, what else was I supposed to do, just ignore it? It wasn't my fault. I just turned on the TV and there it was: American Idol.

It always starts with just a few minutes. "Oh, I'll only watch the first half hour to see the losers. They are so funny because they can't sing." Then you see that first sob story that somehow tugs at your heart; some kid living in his car to pursue his dream. I mean, what are you, heartless?

So I guess its official. I am watching AI this year. I'm not proud of it. I bring it up at lunch and no one else has any idea what I am talking about. Sure, I laugh it off like I just happened to turn it on, but I am sitting here watching it now and typing.

At least this year Randy Jackson is trying to stop using the word "Dawg" and "Yo". He has, unfortunately, replaced it with "Baby".

That is all,

Newt, Out

Here in my Car...

It is a momentous day. Below is a picture of me with the final, let me try that again, THE FINAL payment on my truck.

This is a huge event for me. I have owned a truck before, or more specifically my father owned my truck, but this check signifies that I have experienced a rite of passage that every person should experience. I have purchased my first car all by myself.


That is all,

Newt