TBWCYL Day 30 - I'm Ignoring You

Newt

Watch Out

Yesterday, the entire city of Dallas was covered in Ice. By lunch, most of the main roads were good enough to drive on so Diana and I carpooled into Dallas and went to pick Erin up for lunch in downtown Dallas. This turned out to be a bad idea.

Scene: a silver Saturn Vue is heading South in the crowded downtown of Dallas. High rises surround the driver and his wife. The curbs and sidewalks are littered with a combination of ice, salt and sand from the freak ice storm that covered the city overnight. As the driver, Trinity, makes a left turn onto a shadowed street two African American ladies are jaywalking across the road.

Both middle aged, one is stranded in the middle lane attempting not to slip due to the hazardous conditions that nature has delivered. The other stands in the right lane of traffic where the Vue has just turned. Without thinking, Trinity taps the brakes in an effort to slow down enough to let the woman get onto the side walk.

Instead of slowing, the wheels of the car halt while the Vue itself continues towards the woman. Due to the suns position, the ice that was dropped the night before had yet to dissipate, leaving a road of frozen dangers. The woman holds her position as the Vue slowly slides towards her. Trinity turns his wheels to help guide the car towards the curb to try and avoid hitting the woman.

Ass cheeks clinch in the car as the Vue begins to slow. Will the woman get onto the curb? No, she positions herself in the street with no attempts to move. Her face remains calm, more focused on staying upright than worried for her life. In the car, the driver and passenger sit wondering if today they will run down a person like roadkill. The car hits the curb with a thud and ricochets, the force slowing them. The Vue comes to a halt, mere feet away from the woman.

She doesn't move. The car is stuck until she decides to step onto the curb. The driver motions an apology. The almost victim looks to her friend still standing in the turning lane of the road. "I almost fell" she exclaimed. Her friend replies "I don't think it matters". Finally she steps to her left to reveal the reason she wouldn't get on the curb. Freezing water was in the lip of the street and she did not want to get her feet wet. Her friend joined her and the two shot angry glares at the driver.

This story is true and begs the question, "What kind of stupid bitch sees a car sliding towards her and doesn't step out of the way just because she doesn't want to get her feet wet?"

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 29 - Hello, this is Jesus

Do you know that feeling you get when you are about to prank phone call someone? The one where a ball of electric excitement builds up in the center of your chest and grows from the size of a marble to the size of a golf ball and then once it achieves baseball size status, it explodes and energy runs through you? It's caused by the hope that when the person at the other end of the line picks up, you have the tenacity to keep a straight voice and as you perform the prank, you pull it off with gusto and finesse.

Today's task caused this in me to a level I haven't felt in years. I was given a script and was supposed to dial a number at random to read the script. It is below.


I did dial a number at random but looked up an area code first. I know I called Kansas(620 area code) but aside from that, I am unaware of who or where I called. I got the voicemail of someone, I believe it was a cell phone and I left the longest voice mail I could. When it beeped I started speaking as best I could, the excitement in me was crazy and it made it very hard to concentrate on reading. I had to go outside to do this, as at 2:30 in the afternoon I didn't think performing this task in my office was a good idea.

I can only imagine the person who finds this will be confused but I hope that they will be able to let people hear the message and get a laugh out of it. I know I giggled like hell when I finished.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 28 - Eats, shoots and leaves

What would be your last meal if you had to pick one? Would it be a steak? A mound of ice cream? A bucket of butter? Well, today’s task is to pick what I would eat for my last meal a la death row scenario. So what did I choose?

Well, what do you think? I chose a #5 Whataburger w/ Bacon and Cheese plain add Mustard, Whatasized with an Iced Tea. I would also get about 10 Skor bars for dessert and have a 6 pack of Shiner beers to go with it all.

I am an easy man to please. I know the quality will be consistent and the tastes hold true. If I had a steak that would be a crap shoot. They would bring it in from outside and by the time I actually ate it, all of the juiciness would have left it and it would probably be disappointing. I figure if I am going to die, I will eat an unhealthy meal and try to get drunk so I can feel good before I go.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 27 - Check Yes or No

Well, I absolutely failed at today's task. I was supposed to go as long as possible without saying 'Yes' or 'No'. Not in the sense that I had to be indifferent, but instead I was supposed to use alternative phrases like 'I agree' or 'that's not possible'. I made it pretty good until I actually had to talk to someone and that's when it went downhill.

I got George Strait's song "Check Yes or No" stuck in my head in the shower and from there I got a sense that this was going to be hard. While talking to Diana when we were getting ready this morning, I tried to think "Don't say it" but I let my guard down continuously because apparently my wife only asks yes or no questions in the morning. I had to have said one or the other at least 5 times... and that was me trying.

I didn't do it much better the rest of the day. I tried to keep it in mind and did OK but I kept letting my guard down. There were a lot of "dammit" moments today and I felt like a failure. I totally thought I was going to do this with flying colors.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 26 - Reincarnated

Today I was to pick the thing in which I would choose to be reincarnated as. There are quite a few choices for this including a rocking horse, a camel, a monster truck and the guy from the mens room sign. Katliyn chose a Stegasaurus which is just stupid because they are extinct which means you can't reincarnate to something that is no longer around.

I have decided that if I am ever reincarnated, I want to come back as a Unicorn. I know, they don't exist...yet. But I think one day some weird scientist is going to clone a horse and a deer and we are going to have the awesomest horse ever. When I return, I will come back as a black unicorn with a silver horn. I will go by the name of Teflon. I also think I will talk because as a creature of science I will have been given vocal chords.


That is all,


Teflon

TBWCYL Day 25 - Never gonna do it

Today I was to complete a checklist of the "Things I Will Never Do Before I Die." This was a simple task as they supplied me with the list. Mine is attached.

Our good buddy, Katliyn, the original owner of the book was luckily not very good at completing these tasks. She started this list and made it to about the 20th item on the list. However, what she did and didn't check off was kind of sad. She left "Contract and STD", "Spend a night in prison", and "Run Away" unchecked which means she has at the age of 19 already done these three or is very self aware of her future.

My favorite one of these was "Give birth to a goatboy". I checked it because I don't think science is going to get us to that point in my lifetime.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 24 - Barter Time

Today, we brought back the system of bartering. I was to barter something so that's what I did. This was easy for me but I have heard some critisism over the barter I did. I gathered some of my higher value comic books and took them into the comic book store that I work at and bartered with the owner to get a couple of issues that I wanted.

Total value of the comics I took : $24 cover price which is what I paid for them.
Total value what I got in return: $61.

Some people say that this isn't a real barter. My wife felt I should have ended up with a sheep or something. I beg to differ. I took in one product and got another. I made sure that I used the entire amount of value.

I got two issues of Amazing Spiderman, Issues 245 and 252 as well as a graphic novel. Sounds like I bartered pretty well.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 23 - Plastic Fantastic

Today I was supposed to make a no obligations appointment with a plastic surgeon to find out all that could be done to "fix" me. Two problems with this, I don't feel good today and I couldn't bring myself to waste mine and someone else's time when I have absolutely no intention of getting work done.

However, thanks to the Internet, I still did my task. There is a doctor in Dallas that does plastic surgery by the name of Dr. Hackney. He has a very informative website where he walks through all the considerations of different plastic surgery options via video. So, I just watched his videos and here is what I think I can get.

Liposuction: after covering the different methods, I am pretty sure I need some Tumescent liposuction. The stick saline in your fat and then suck it out. It helps the skin smooth out. I got a lot of fat so I could come out looking like a deflated raft after a long day of inner tubing on the lake. I would also have to make sure they suck some of this fat out from under my chin so I can avoid the turkey neck.

Tummy Tuck: If I got Lipo, the Tummy Tuck would be a must. I have a lot of skin and I don't need to see it unless it is taut and supple, as it is now.

Rhinoplasty: Anyone who knows me can probably guess that I could benefit from a nose job. In the doctors words, "You may be a good candidate for nose job surgery if your nose is too large for your face". I think mine could fit this. Plus, I have picked it so much that they could easily shrink up these caverns I call nostrils.

Body Contouring: This has a few things under it. I am just below the BMI index to be eligible for these procedures so I am cutting it close. My arms aren't flabby so I guess a Brachioplasty (upper arm lift) isn't needed. I think I could get a thigh lift, because they take fat and skin out from between your thighs and I can't be outside for long without starting a fire from the friction caused by my legs slapping together. I had to stop wearing corduroy for the same reason.

Breast Reduction: I definitely don't need implants but I might be good for a breast reduction. They don't sag too low but I would love to have smaller boobs than Diana. You can see an example of the me I could be here. I wish I had known about the pictures on these sites when I was younger. I would have searched Breast augmentation years ago.

I am too young for a face lift and don't really have too many wrinkles anyway. I also think I can avoid Botox since I don't have too many wrinkles. I don't think I could ever actually get surgery unless I had some sort of accident. I try to take care of my body but I don't care enough that I need to get cut open. Aside from the Penis Reduction Surgery I had to have as a baby, I guess I will just avoid the knife.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 22 - We had an agreement

Today I was supposed to find someone who would agree to meet me in 10 years. I was supposed to hand this agreement to someone I hardly know but when you work 8 to 5 that is difficult. So, I reached out to one of Diana's co-workers who I have met a couple of times and who enjoys the random things of life. I sent her a digital copy of the agreement and she agreed to meet me in 10 years at the official Tech watching party bar, Blackfinn. I am supposed to wear a Red T-shirt in case we can't recognize one another.

She even filled in the list of current events we can reminisce over in case we can't think of anything to say. Obama made it on there, the most recent movie releases now in theatres are on there, the UT loss to Tech is going to be a good memory to share and she is going to be in New York with us so we can always talk about that.

Melissa was a good sport about the whole thing and in 10 years I hope we both remember to show up and share a beer.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 21 - Patriotism

Today is Patriotism day in which I am to be patriotic about any country all day long. I thought this was extremely appropriate as we just went through an Inauguration so I went with the good on U.S. of A.

To keep my patriotism up all day, last night I downloaded a new ringtone. I got "God Bless America" on my phone and as my alarm went off this morning, Freedom Rang!!! I got up, threw on my workout gear and promptly did 'The Pledge of Allegiance' to the miniature flag I had placed on my dresser.

I decided to go to the local convenience store and get a 52 oz tea as I don't know what's more American than buying the largest drink known to man. I also got a corn dog because, well, I like corn dogs and they had one. I made sure to hang a second mini flag from my sun visor to keep the American spirit with me all day long.

I tried to keep thoughts of America in my mind all day. I have to say, I love capitalism and supported it by buying my comics today. I also ate a burger and fries which I know isn't necessarily American but the fast food burger is.

For dinner I ate the most American meal I could, a hot dog and some apple pie. I got it at a gas station and the pie was a Mrs. Baird fried pie but it was the spirit that I was going for so I think it counts.

I plan on reciting the pledge again before I go to bed to bookend the day but I do have to say that I love the country I live in. I know I am biased but I can't think of anywhere else I would rather live. They say 'Home is where the Heart is" which is true because mine is definitely in America.

That is all,

Newt

Obama and a chail letter

Two things about today that stood out.

1. We got a black President. I don't know if you heard but we did and I, for one, am happy about it. It was cool to watch history.

B. I got a stupid chain email and it turns out I am going to have bad luck. I know, it sucks. Don't come near me for a while or it might rub off on you. It came in the form of a PowerPoint and the guy who sent it to me is usually pretty humorous so I thought it was a joke but it had no payoff and I was supposed to send it out, but didn't.

It did make me wonder, "How do you put luck in an email or letter?" The very act of it is absurd. First off, the damn thing is written with stories of people who have gotten the very email and had good luck...except if they got the email it wouldn't have had their stories in it. It says in the thing not to change one word of the letter so it automatically proves that it is an impossible scenario.

Also, who is this luck filled emailer who made an email that is imbued with luck anyway? I watched an episode of 'Fairly Odd Parents' this morning where they zapped Timmy into the Internet. Is that how it is done? With letters, I always assumed the person who wrote the first chain letter had used a luck filled pen but I doubt there is a luck filled type font or keyboard because the original writer would have a hell of a time with everything else he wrote.

One story in the email is of a man who threw the email away(deleted maybe but I can't imagine he printed it just to throw it away) and when he did his son got sick. He dug the email out of the trash can and sent it to 20 people and his son got better. Is this a new form of medicine? Here's an idea, how about you stop being a lazy, superstitious idiot and take your kid to the doctor? Ass wipe shouldn't be a parent if he treats the flu with a AOL.

So, if you don't send this post to 20 people then you will die!!! That's right, I want some new readers so you better get on this ASAP or you will be dead 18 minutes after you read this. Hope you know 20 emails to send this to or you are like Peaches, the cockatiel that I forgot to feed and subsequently died of starvation...except you won't fit in a shoe box.

Get to it,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 20 - Poetry

Today I had to write one sentence in a poem and email it to the people at www.thiswebsitewillchangeyourlife.com. Since that isn't an option, I am going to post it here. The instructions were to write the next line in the poem to follow "Mercy, cried the popinjay to the Pope..." It was meant to form the worlds largest poem and once the perfect line was found and a suitable title was made they would post it. It also had to be written in iambic pentameter.

I came up with, "your lies you told have sent me to the rope." Not the most logical but sometimes Pope's do lie and I can imagine a bird killing itself so not too drastic of a stretch. I searched to see if they actually did finish the poem but didn't find anything about it.

Guess they never got the perfect ending.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 19 - I Spy

Today was 'Pretend to be a secret Agent' day. Apparently the book was a way for my handler to contact me. I was to go outside at 1 pm and wave at the gray car. It was supposed to get in the car but when I went outside, I was 10 minutes late and they had left me.

This one was a little hard to pull off but I tried my best. I sent mysterious emails to my friends, I listened for phone taps on the line, and I drove away from cars in a evasive action. While at the grocery store I also changed the direction I loaded my basket and went dry goods to produce instead of the other way around.

I think Hazel may have been replaced with a doppelganger as she is staring at me while I type this. I think she is 'the enemy'. Her gaze is almost robotic. I might have to take her out when she isn't looking.

Oh, and I decided to buy the entire series of Get Smart on DVD so I can get some real spy training from Maxwell Smart.

That is all...or I would have to kill you.

Newt

TBWCYL Day 18 - Die, Die, Die!!!

Day 18's task was to kill something. Did you know that an average ejaculation has 20 million sperm?

I guess I was a mass murderer today.

You try finding a bug in winter.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day17 - Asparagus

Today's task was to eat asparagus all day long and in doing so, found out how noxious my pee could get. Only problem: I HATE ASPARAGUS!!!!

I tried to take a scientific approach to the whole thing so after starting with a good base pee to test smell, I began eating asparagus with my eggs at breakfast. I then proceeded to eat 1 stalk an hour until 7 in which I then increased my intake around dinner time as the smell was not as pungent as I had hoped/expected. I started to really see results when I added wine to the experiment. I had drank water all day and I think that may have diluted the experiment.

I did eat regular meals as well as the asparagus. I have never liked this shitty vegetable and the idea that I could only eat that made me shiver with fright. This is the first time I have actually said, "What was I thinking" about doing this book. I ate the white asparagus hoping it had a better flavor than the green but I was wrong. It tastes like what tall weeds smell like when you chop them down with a lawn mower.

I held off posting this until the day after because I wanted to make sure I had full results. I never achieved a smell that made me gag which was my goal. Maybe if Ii had eaten the green variety I could have achieved it but I don't know.

Thank god that is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 16 - Read between the lines

So today's task was a blast. I was to discretely give the finger to everyone. Have you ever done this as a silent sticking it to the man or as a fun way to tell your friend to go screw themselves? Well, I did...all day long. I waved to my coworkers husband in just the right way that my middle finger was all that was showing, I scratched my head while in the car and all the other drivers got a secret signal, hell I even pulled, as the book calls it, a "just chillin out".

There are so many opportunities to give the finger that I would realize that I wasn't doing it and casually just come up with some way to grab something. I held my menu at lunch today with only my middler on the outside and everyone at the table was told to F off, not that they noticed. I even did it to my boss as I walked down the hall.

This is such a silly thing to do that I just ran with it. My favorite was when I was stretching and as I gnarled my hands up as my arms outstretched, I just left the two in the middle out while all there little buddies went to see the palm.

We had a birthday party to go to tonight so I utilized the finger in many ways as we sat around a table drinking wine. There was the wine stem hold, the clasped hands with the middle finger out hold, the over Diana's shoulder let only the finger drop hold...so many. What a day.

And finally, you know I did this one.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 15 - That is SOOO GAY!!!

It's official...I'M GAY!!! Well, at least for the day I was. I know what you're thinking, "Newt? Gay? Not that Manly Man who makes Chuck Norris look like Clay Aiken". But that was my task today, "Be Gay for a Day". So, I embodied everything I could think of in the homosexual arena and embraced it...except weiners. I definitely did not embrace any of those.

This actually started last night as I decided I needed a pink shirt to wear to work to proudly say, "I'm Gay." However, I decided this last night at 9:20 when the genius idea hit me so I shot over to Wal-Mart but low and behold, they don't have any pink shirts. Hunting jacket, yes. Pink Shirt, no. So I high tailed it over to Kohl's and with 10 minutes until they closed I picked out a pink button down and a brown sweater that complimented it.

This morning I got up and went to work out. Not Gay per se but I know a few Gay guys and they love to work out so I figured it counted. I checked out some guys packages at the gym but wasn't too impressed. After my workout it was time to get ready. I showered, gelled my hair in the gayes way possible(sadly this was by doing it the same way I always do but more tidy and with a few more spikes in the front then normal) and I got dressed. I had given myself 10 extra minutes in the bathroom to make sure I did this right.

I put on my pink shirt, which was too tight(Gay?), with my brown vest over it and made sure that not only was my collar straight, but I rolled my sweater sleeves up to make sure the cuffs of the shirt stuck out. I put on a pair of pants that Straight Newt would have easily worn and then switched them because I thought another pair would match better and I was right because within 3 seconds of seeing me, my carpool buddy told me she liked my outfit. Gush.

All throughout the day I threw "fabulous" into conversation and people continued to comment on my clothes. I was also told I was Gay when I asked a co-worker if she wanted to go to lunch and have girl talk since I hadn't seen her in a while. Twice I flirted with a guy I work with: once he felt my sweater to see the material and I just purred and during a conversation he looked at another coworker and I said "I wish you looked at me that way" to which he responded "He He, What are YOU doing later".

Once out of work I wanted to make sure I had this done to the best of my ability so in stereotypical Gay fashion, I went shopping. I got so many compliments on my sweater that I went and got three more and a pair of shoes...and it was all on sale Girlfriend.

To finish my day of Gay, I decided I needed to at least see something blatantly homosexual. Since I didn't have any pictures of Thomas, I decided to watch a Gay porn. I'm sure you're all thinking, "What, No Way!!!" but I am supposed to be Gay today so I got on RedTube and searched for something and found a little gem called "A Day In the Pork". I have seen Gay porn maybe twice in my life and I didn't think I would have reason to again but(pun intended) here I was and I have to say...That is some weird shit!

Two dudes gobbeling on each others junk is weird looking enough but when they actually do the deed, I kept expecting a second hole that just wasn't there. It ended the same way as most porn I have seen does but one thing I did think was sporting was that even though one finished, the other got his turn too. Oh, and so did the camera man.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 14 - My Compliments

Today is "a Day of Compliments" so today I was to pass out compliments and see if flattery does get you everywhere. It was actually kind of fun to continuously tell people nice things about themselves but there were times where I found myself acting nicely but not actually giving compliments per se.

So, I told a coworker today that I liked her glasses but I didn't get anything for it. I gave a compliment to a girl I work with at the comic book store about her shirt and it didn't pay off of anything but I am interested to see if it might pay off later. I told a lady I was looking forward to seeing her smiling face again tomorrow so maybe that will pay off in some way but I will have to see.

I tried to throw more out but sometimes it is difficult to just say things to people without coming off as creepy. I went to the grocery store but I thought it would come off as weird to say, "Why that's a nice uniform", and I even went to a bookstore to try to find someone to compliment thinking I could get creative but when I chatted up the sales lady our conversation took a disappointing turn when it turns out she isn't good at what she does and therefore couldn't have a compliment.

You have done an awesome job of reading this,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 13 - Hey Hey Mr. Postman

Today's task is incredibly weird and I was quite worried about doing it. However, I decided I would do it because I am going to do every task possible and to change my life I have to step outside of my comfort zone. This one is definitely uncomfortable.

So, today is "Write a letter to a Mass Murderer" and I chose Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber. Not a person you want to communicate with via the mail but I am living life dangerously. Below is the letter I sent(I wrote it by hand but for this I typed it up).

Dear Mr. Kacynski,

I am writing as part of a personal experiment that stems from a book called This BOOK Will Change Your Life. It is a book you may have heard of in which for 365 days a task is assigned daily that causes you to act contrary to the norm. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have received letters similar to this in previous years because your address is in the book.
You may also be aware that the 13th task, or day 13 is to write a letter to a Mass Murderer. I say all of this so you know that this letter is not political or emotional but borders on the ridiculous.
I chose you from the list in the book specifically because, while I find what you to be wrong and quite horrific, I can at least see that you did it in the name of something. In that respect it made it more, for lack of a better term, acceptable to send communication to you.
I can’t begin to imagine why you chose such a violent method to get your point across. I read up on what your cause seemed to be and while I didn’t read the manifesto that was published, I think I get the general idea. However I don’t understand why people had to die for your cause.
In writing you this letter and my opinion, I think I am achieving a small step in the process I have begun. This letter wouldn’t have been considered a year ago, of that I am sure. I do not write this to pass judgment on you, only to fulfill a commitment I have made to myself.

- May your time be spent productively –
Trinity

That is all,

Newt

Bear with me

I had a random thought of something that I may have thought when I was a kid but can't verify it.

You know the phrase ""I'll kill you with my bare hands"?

I was thinking that if I heard that phrase when I was little I might think someone meant they had the hands of a bear and were going to use them as weapons. Maybe they mounted them on both ends of a stick and would twirl them in a way to create a mauling sensation.

I would definitely be afraid of someone with bear hands attacking me.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 12 - Getting to know you

So, since I switched yesterday and today's tasks, today I introduced myself to someone you know but never speak to. In today's case it was my dental hygienist Dora. I had to go pick up my uber-cool and everyone is getting one mouth guard today and took the time to get to know Dora.

She is a lovely, tiny Spanish woman with a nice smile, as she should have when working for a dentist. We chit chatted about our holiday's and discussed how neither of us rang the new year in with any real gusto. I also inquired about her children of which she has 2, a son of 12 and a daughter, Bianca, who also works at my dentist's office. We had a nice little conversation.

The truth about this task is that it was more difficult than it should have been. First, it pointed out to me that I work and interact with a lot of people I don't really know. I might say hi to a lot of people but the fact is I am just going through the motions when I do. If I ask, "How's it going?" I honestly don't care and just do it out of politeness. Second, once I got the first question out there, it was sort of difficult to follow up and that is kind of sad.

I guess if this book really will change my life, it will probably start by pulling me out of my comfort zone and making me adjust perceptions, or at least point out that I have the perception to begin with.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 11 - My Type

Today I was to supposed to do Day 11 which was "Today introduce yourself to someone you know but never speak to." However, I have a hangover today and as such have had no interest in going outside so in the interest of actually doing that task correctly and not phoning it in, I am going to fulfil it tomorrow and instead, I am doing day 12's task.

So, now my task is : "What's Your Type? Tick it here today as a reminder at drunken parties" My choice were:
Dumb blonde
Clever Brunette
Wild Redhead
Lesbian
Nag
Cold Fish

I decided to check off the closest description to my wife, as I like to have sex and would much appreciate continuing to be able to. So I now have a check mark next to a Clever Brunette who is a Nag. I checked Lesbian off because I was being honest with myself.

I will try not to reorganize these tasks too much but for my own safety and the success of my career, a few of these are going to have to be put to a weekend.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 10 - Houston, we have a problem

Well, today's task seems to be impossible. Today is 'Meet Jonas Day' where I am to go to www.thiswebsitewillchangeyourlife.com and follow the adventures of Jonas as he also does all of the tasks in the book. The problem? This book was written in 2004 and apparently they have not only taken down this thread of info but also put out new books that have substituted the "This Book..." and it is now "This Diary Will Change Your Life".

I guess I get a day off but I was interested to see how Jonas's adventures had turned out. Oh well. I guess I am like that guy who finally switched to cassette tapes from the 8 track but now CDs are the big thing.

That is all,

Newt

Prove it

So, today I got contacted by an ex girlfriend from high school. I am a part of LinkedIn, which is a business version of FaceBook. I never check it but today I got an email message from a girl I dated in high school for about a month. The title of this blog tells you who it is if you know me.

It was funny because when I read the name I had absolutely no idea who it was. I am sure you think that is because with as many ladies as I went through in high school it is just too hard to keep track but that isn't the case. I just forgot her last name. It took me about 10 minutes but I realized who it was and when I did I felt like an idiot.

The point of that story is to tell you that tonight I got out my Senior yearbook and looked through it. If you haven't done this in a while, here is a challenge. Go thorough your yearbook and try to name as many people as you can without looking at the names. It is really difficult but I spent four years with these people and some even longer. I had a fun time flipping through the pages of people and reminiscing about this guy or that girl.

It was funny because it made me realize not only was I a doofus in High School but thinking back there were so many opportunities and chances that I didn't take. If I only knew then what I know now. Sure, I am the person I am today because of the life I have lived but it is always fun to think, "If I could just go back and tell myself..." That question is never ending but I am happy with where I ended up so I can't complain.

I did make a realization that aside from Thomas, I have zero friends from high school; even he doesn't count because we didn't go to the same school. It's somewhat tempting to try to reconnect with a few people but I don't think I could do it. It would be forced and I don't want that. Anyway, after you read this, go grab your yearbook and peruse it. You will be surprised at what you find.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 9 - Good Morning

So, today was 'Do Something before Breakfast Today' so I did. There were a few suggestions but here is what I did today. I got up at 5:30 and went to the gym and spent 30 minutes on the elliptical and worked out my inner and outer thighs because they are flabby. While there I watched half an episode of the 'Fairly Odd Parents' which I watch every day and I don't care what you say but it is freaking funny and 'Back at the Barnyard', which today amused me highly.

The book suggests you call a friend and express surprise that they aren't up yet so I tried to call Erin at 6:30 but she didn't answer and never called me back. I also tried to do the suggestion of going and licking the morning dew from a tree leaf but, sadly, there was no dew this morning. Instead, I stepped out into the wet concrete of my back patio wearing nothing but my boxers.

I would say sorry to Erin but she is to lazy to even have me jack with her so she gets no apology.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 8 - Addicted

Today was Addiction-Free Day. I wasn't to put any addictive substances in my body. So I pretty much had to cut out tea for the entire day and it was not too difficult but I was definitely craving it. I probably drank 4 gallons of water to make up for it though so that might have been good for me.

The goal was to find out how much purer I feel at the end of the day but I don't feel any different. Since I don't smoke or do any drugs, not drinking tea and refraining from alcohol for the day was not a huge accomplishment. I will say that the new Shiner 100 is out and I got a six pack and I was disappointed I couldn't have one today so that made me sad...but not pure.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 7 - 13:56

I would like to apologize for putting this on the Internet as some things are just wrong.

The task was
Masturbate at 13:56 to the following fantasy
WOMEN: I am not going to type it out but it was 5 paragraphs of cheesy romance jargon that sounds like something out of Harlequin.

MEN:
"Two blondes. Doing it. Together."

I completed my task today and that is all I am going to say.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 6 - Book It

Today's task was fairly easy. Today I was to "write the opening sentence of your debut novel". I will get to mine in a moment but before I do, remember how I said the girl that owned this book wrote some crazy shit in here? Well, let me present Kaitlyn's first sentence to her novel.

The demon came with the devil and the demon told satan the devil the devil the devil and satan and the demon and the devil said 666 666 666 666

WTF?!?!?!?!

Someone should maybe see a shrink to figure out where that came from. I mean, come on, use a freaking comma for Christ's sake! And would it kill you to puntuate? Idiot!!!

Anyway, here is my sentence of my debut novel.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" shouted Bert to his semi-retarded brother, Ernie.

Is it sad that after writing this I began to make up a scenario where Bert is forced to take care of his brother, Ernie, in a one bedroom apartment infested by birds and has to constantly deal with the drunken bum, Oscar, all while hiding his own blatant homosexuality and dealing with his bouts of obsessive compulsive disorder?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 5 - Out of Order

Now here is a task that has been fun. The mission for Day 5 is to create anarchy by pasting this out of order sign to random things to cause social breakdown. I went to Kinkos last night and made 10 copies of this sign and all throughout the day I have been causing mass confusion and hysteria.

Sign 1 was placed on the Soda machine this morning at my work. I placed it on the dollar slot of the machine to double confuse people because they won't know if the machine isn't working or just the dollar changer. It isn't something you want to take a chance on though because if you are wrong you might loose some change. The sign stayed until 5 when I removed it. No one mentioned it though.

For lunch, I went to Whataburger to read and grab a tea. I needed to get out of the office and decided to cause more confusion. I decided that I was going to put Sign 2 on the soda fountain and I was going to get a picture...and I was going to do it when everyone was around. I was tingling when I went into action.

I prepped the tape and got the sign ready. I had a book in my hand so I placed the sign face against the book and with my drink cup in hand, I made my way to the machine. I had my camera in my pocket, ready to take a snapshot and went about refilling my cup. I checked over my shoulder and saw no one was looking and quickly snapped the sign to the Strawberry Fanta head in hopes that no one would notice it.

With the sign up, I just had to get the picture and I was ready to get out. I moved into position by grabbing a drink lid and reached my right hand into my pocket and grabbed the camera. I positioned it as best I could and hoped my blind shot would get a good pic. The camera snapped and, dammit, the flash went off. Suddenly, I heard the black lady that was working the fryers exclaim, "Was that lightning?!? Did anyone see that? Was that lightning?!?" I almost peed myself as I casually made my way out of the restaurant, waving goodbye to the cashier as I went.

Sign 3 was much easier as I placed it above an elevator I was riding at the corporate offices of my client, 7-11. I had to drop a bill off today so while alone in the elevator, I placed it and grabbed a quick shot. I figure people will think that it just means that one set of buttons don't work. Sign 4 was placed on a scale in the local grocery store while I stopped to get some odds and ends. I figure this one might stay for a while because who uses those anymore?

Sign 5 was a last minute stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. I drove it by my co-workers house and placed it on her mailbox. She doesn't know about my project so I am imagining that tomorrow I might hear about how she found it and I am hoping I can keep a straight face.

And no prank can be complete without a little goof on my wife so I place a sign on her pillow for her to find tonight.

This was a fun task and I can honestly say that this is the first one that I feel changed my life.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 4 - Color the World

Today's task was to take today's page from the book and color it. It has a map of the entire world and you are to "work out your globetrotting plans for the rest of your time on earth" by coloring in the places you have been (in green), intend to go this year(in blue), intend to go before you die (in yellow), and happy never to set foot there in my whole life (in red).

Below is my map.


Doing this did make me realize that this is a huge world and I haven't made a good start towards visiting it. My one green area is pretty lonely but even my blues don't add to much to my color wheel.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 3 - Throw it out

For today's task I was told "Today throw something away that you like". I hated to be wasteful so instead of throwing the item away I chose to donate it to the local Goodwill but I think the spirit of it was still there.

I chose to 'throw away' three picture frames that I got on a trip with Thomas to Florida. In 2003 we road tripped to Florida to visit my cousin, Stacy, and go to Universal Studios. While we were there I got three character frames to hold pictures: King Kong, Woody Woodpecker and Jaws. We made our living room movie themed and these played into it well and kept pictures from the trip in them.

So, I packaged them up and Diana dropped them off at the Goodwill.


Goodbye little souvenirs.

Newt

TBWCYL - Day 2 Love Life

We are into the swing of things and for today's exercise, I am to "gaze at everyone wondering whether they might be the one true love of your life, the one destined for you and you alone, and whether you might be passing them by forever... Aet in consequence."

I decided I would only do this with perfect strangers to make things more interesting. Using people I already know seems like a stretch since I know details about them and the realism of my wondering might overshadow the point of it all. While I am happily married, I took this seriously. However, I didn't consider dudes because I don't need no sausage fest going on, OK!?!

I found this exercise to be harder than I originally thought. First, since it was the Friday after the New Year, things were slower in Dallas and my number of possible soul mates seemed to be reduced. Also, my mind normally will wander without prompting but today, since I was tasked to, I had a difficult time making my brain do this. It's the opposite of telling someone not to think of a purple elephant. Tell me to think of something and I can't force the juices to flow.

But, I finally found a couple of candidates. The first I saw from afar at the local Borders Books as I was in there this afternoon. She was a blonde, which I normally don't go for and thus I might be missing them as my true love. She was in the range of 25 to 30 and wore a white shirt. That's all I could see from over the book racks but my mind saw more. We would be married in the fall and she would bare me 2 children. We grow old together and die in each others arms. Funny enough, in my entire daydream she wears the same white shirt.

My other possibility was a large black woman with fake eye lashes that verged on the 250 lb range and was about 5 feet tall. I named her Eye'leasha because of the spiderleg eyelashes she wore. I saw her in line at the Sonic counter in the mall tonight. I was apprehensive at first but using the criteria that she is my one true love, I forced myself to get into the spirit. However, in this scenario, love isn't the only force to deal with. Our relationship has it's ups and downs because of the race issue and neither of our families really approves. Also, her weight becomes an issue early on and causes us physical problems. Despite our love, the outside forces break us up after 9 months. Years later, I see her on the street a changed woman. She resembles Halle Berry more than Monique but the years and the superficial reasons for our break up cause us both to be polite but not consider a reunion.

Daydreaming can be a trip.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL - Day One

Ok, so here is the first challenge of the This Book Will Change Your Life, or to hereby be known as TBWCYL. Day 1 is a warm up to get into the swing of things.

I have been given the task of choosing one thing from a list of things to do and performing it.

A few of the funnier choices are:
Perform a strip tease(in private)
Try a new sandwich filling
Set all of your clocks to exactly the right time
Go on a one-minute hunger strike

The task I have chosen however is:
Decide which of your toes is the prettiest.

I can already rule out both pinkies because they just look silly and the toes next to them both look like sausages so they are out. I am really fond of both my big toes and my index toes but I think if I have to choose I will say that the index toe on my right foot is really the most appealing. It lacks excessive hair and fits perfectly in between my big toe and my middle. It also has a better dexterity than the left foots toes so I think it is the clear winner.


That is all,

Newt

The This Book Will Change Your Life Experiment

Well, we have hit 2009 and I don't believe in resolutions but it has come to my attention that some people other than my best friend actually read this silly blog so I have decided that I will undertake a challenge. I think fate intermingled with me today because I went to my local Half Price Books today after getting home from Midland where I spent the holidays. I was walking around and stumbled across a book called THIS BOOK WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

I have to explain something about this book before I go any farther. First, it came out when I worked at WaldenBooks in college. I saw it when it was new and thought it was a great idea but at the time I didn't have the patience or need to do what the book said so I bypassed it. In short this is not a self help book but a 365 page instruction manual for adding crazy shit into your life...and I am going to do it.

It has a daily task that is extremely odd, random, dangerous, etc and you are to perform the tasks daily to add some new life to your life. Thus, today being the first day of the year, you can see how I believe fate had something to do with me finding this book.

As I bought it at a used book store, I found it to be partially completed but apparently the previous owner could only finish the first few days where she quit. From what clues I found, the previous owner was

a 19 year old girl named Katliyn
was given the book by her boyfriend, Joel
has a best friend named Erin
her favorite color was green
favorite food: Cotton Patch
and I am pretty sure she has something weird going on with Satan or a Demon because she scribbled some stuff in the book that I will touch upon later.

Anyway, I am going to do my damnedest to finish this experiment and you should see at least one new blog a day chronicling what the hell this book is telling me to do. I will be as thorough as possible and hopefully I can stick to this.

That is all,

Newt