McEquality

I have a fairly regular tradition now that I work two miles away from Whataburger. At least once a week I go to eat there and take a book to read while I eat my #5: Bacon Cheeseburger, plain mustard only, Whatasized with an Ice Tea.

If you have never read in a fast food establishment then you should really try it. There is a level of anonymity that a book gives you. You can read and be left alone for most of the time you are there. You don’t get looked at because people assume you are reading.

During my literary lunches is when I discovered a fact that never occurred to me working two years at the wonder that is Taco Villa. Fast food is the great equalizer. From behind a book, newspaper, or magazine a person gets to people watch. And what you see is that EVERYBODY eats fast food.

In my forays to the lunch counter, I have seen beauties & beast, elderly & infant, male & female. Just a few days ago I saw an aged man with a chin that reached inches farther than it should accompany a Chinese woman with no facial hair. No eyebrows, no eyelashes. But they were drawn on. I saw a family of four that were avid golfers. I saw a girl who looked like she has never eaten a hamburger ordering a combo. Right behind her a woman who looks like she should be served in between a bun rather than ordering her sister.

Everyone eats out. Everyone. This is not a blanket statement. You will never be able to find a person who has never eaten at a Jack in the Box, McDonalds, or Burger King. Pick a restaurant. It doesn’t matter.

With Racism, bigotry and all around dislike for people in general, the fast food industry is the place where we can all come together. As long as you can afford to buy your dinner, it doesn't matter who you are. Name another time that you have eaten in the same room as a homeless person. Exactly. Even President Clinton was a fan of the Big Mac.

Unity should be defined by a combo number. And if you Upsize, then you'll have just increased the solidarity of the world.

That is all,

Newt

The Rafting Expedition

So, Saturday was the big White Water Adventure. I got my ship in the water right at 7 a.m. and started my journey along the canal. The weather was perfect. It was sprinkling off and on, but the amount was just enough that it cooled me down without getting me wet. I had a little bit of trouble with my oars. Word to the wise. If you buy a raft that comes with oars, the little rubber washers that come with them need to be inserted below the cuff. I was not informed of this until I had gotten tired of them moving and pulled them off, only to have one fall in the lake.

My rowing left little to be desired because after loosing my rubber washer, the oars wouldn't stay in the same place. I was constantly floating right or left because my rowing power wasn't equal. But, I got going and made it under the major street that the water goes under.

Another tidbit of info, If you are floating down a man made creek, check to see if there are drop offs. In my case, I came across my first right after the overpass I crossed under. Luckily there was a wall that was only three feet tall and I was able to lift myself and my raft up and walk it down into the next part of water. However, I did loose the other rubber washer in this endeavor.

I ended my journey after about an hour because I came upon another drop off that I had no way of getting past. I ended up turning around and rowing back home. All in all, I stayed in the water about two hours. I had a lot of fun and I might try to go again this weekend to a lake near our house. Below is the link to the slideshow of pictures for my trip.

http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLandingSignin.jsp?Uc=lmh0qs7.14x83emv&Uy=-45sbxt&Upost_signin=Slideshow.jsp%3Fmode%3Dfromshare&Ux=0&UV=201218357784_77691373111

That is all,

Newt

Chuck Palahniuk signing

Well, a couple weeks back I went to a book signing for Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. I waited to post about this because I got a picture taken by the girl behind me in line and was waiting on her to email it, but that hasn't happened so I will now recount the events.

I got to Borders for the signing about 6:15 and I am hella glad I got there when I did. The signing was to begin at 7 and since I hadn't heard any press about it, I assumed it would be slightly crowded but not too incredibly bad. I was wrong. When I walked in the door and purchased my copy of the book, Chuck was already signing. The line had snaked its way through the CDs, DVDs, gift books, and most of the smaller book sections and reached all the way to Childrens.

I got a white ticket to distinguish me from the pink tickets and stood in line. I can estimate that there were at least 200 people in line ahead of me and that is probably a lowball. At 7, Diana showed up and got to meet my new friends. Right behind me were three girls from Denton who had driven down to meet Chuck and as we had a long wait ahead of us, I struck up a conversation. I had hoped the line would zoom along, but Mr. Palahniuk decided to speak for 45 minutes so I had only moved about 50 feet in an hour and a half.

By the time we hit DVDs, it was time for dinner so I went to the cafe and got two teas and two chocolate chip cookies. This was the main course, as our appetizer consisted of a tin of Jelly Belly Jellybeans. My new friends and I started to get bored around 8 so we pulled out a piece of paper and started writing. That's right, we wrote. Each person would begin a short set of sentences and before they passed it on, they would hide what they wrote. The next author would then build off the last sentence written and at the end we would see what was produced. Interesting game if you ever need to kill some time.

All in all, I finally got my books signed at 10:50. You heard right folks. I was at Borders for 4 1/2 hours. The best part of the story. When I went to the bookstore a couple of days ago, I ran across almost all of the books I got signed on the shelf. All of them autographed.

Did I mention I stood next to Chuck Palahniuk?

Newt

I was Huck Finn in a previous life

On Monday I decided something. I decided I would go buy me a raft and float “The River.” In this case, my mighty Mississippi is the pond next to my apartment. For those of you who don’t know, our apartment is next to a park and in the park there is a pond. The pond runs out and goes under Macarthur and follows some streets. I am not exactly sure where the pond ends up but I intend to find out. So, with my trusty sidekicks Duncan and Hazel, we will float the river.

Below is the map. The blue part is where we will be floating. I plan to start in the morning so anyone driving around my area, swing by and see if you can spot me. I will try to take pictures and put them on here sometime next week.


Ahoy,

Newt

America DOES have Talent

So, last night after I got back from the gym, yes I did go to aerobics again, I was too tired to really do anything but read so I turned on the TV. What did I watch? America’s Got Talent. I started watching it because I assumed it would be a train wreck. I mean, c’mon. David Hasselhoff & teen sensation Brandy are the judges. But as I started watching it, I could understand the draw.

Random people audition their talents with the hope of winning a Million Dollars. Mind you, these talents are various and some are awful but that was what got me to tune in. Some of my favorites? The ventriloquist who, for the love of god I don’t know how, was able to speak while moving his lips. That wasn’t the trick though. The trick was he could speak normally while moving his lips like those Godzilla people. He would say “There’s Godzilla” but his lips would be moving in random ways like he was speaking Japanese. It was freaky.

There was also a magician who went into a giant microwave that filled with smoke and when he came out he was a black man. He even looked in his pants and jumped for joy. Funny stuff.

The rappin’ Granny finished out the show and I don’t care who you are, a 65 year old black woman dressed in a house dress that busts out with talk of bullets keeping her up til 4 am is Ggggrrreeeaaatt.

So, I now have a new show for the summer. I’m not saying I will watch it every week but if I am home, and lets face it I am usually am, then I will turn it on.

That is all,

Newt

I owe someone an Egg McMuffin

NOOOOOOOO! The Mavs lost the Finals. WHY, Because they didn't play well? Or could it be that I am cursed and placed a bet on the game? Now, luckily I didn't put money on the game. Instead I bet...breakfast. That's right, I owe Joseph, a guy I work with, a McDonalds Breakfast platter.

So, thanks a lot Dirk and while I hate the fact that Dallas lost the series, I am also disappointed that tomorrow morning I have to go through the drive thru to buy a payoff of a bet when I was so looking forward to the Egg McMuffin that I was supposed to get.

That is all...for the Mavs,

Newt

I'm So Excited and I just can't hide it!

So, as you all know, I got engaged. Due to this turn of events I will soon be getting engagement photos, and eventually photos, taken. There is one problem to all of this however, in that I am a fat ass.

Since moving to the Big D, and I do mean Dallas, I have put on a few more pounds then I would care to admit. So in an effort to start to trim down before the ill-fated picture day, Diana and I went to the Monday aerobics class at our apartments gym. This was not a pleasant experience.

I fully admit that I am extremely out of shape. But DAMN GENA! (Thank You, Martin) I was fairly sure that I was going to vomit after about half of that workout and by the end the blood was rushing to my head so quickly that I was pretty sure that my brain was boiled. I have never worked out that hard in my life. And I know that is sad as at 23 I am just feeling "the Burn".

There is another class on Wednesday and as of right now I plan on going, though depending on how easy it is to walk tomorrow, I may have to rethink the situation. But for now,

That is all,

Newt

Just what the Doctor Ordered

So, today at work we bought Pizza for a guy for his birthday lunch and while we were eating I broke. By that I don't mean that any part of me snapped off, though I have about 30 lbs that could fall off. No, I mean that I broke down and did something that I haven't done since High School. I drank...a Dr. Pepper.

For those of you who don't know, this was my drug of choice throughout most of my adolescent life. I would put back three or four of these a day. But I finally decided to kick the habit when I turned 16 and I haven't looked back.

Sure, I had some Dr. Pepper flavored Jelly Belly's and I would kiss Diana after she had drank one, intentionally I might add. But I never threw one back until today. What made me do it? you ask. I have no idea. It was just sitting there and I was out of water in my cup. I looked at it, staring longingly and remembering all the good time me and the Doc use to have. And I have to say, It was good.

Now don't worry. I'm not back on the wagon, or is it off the wagon? I never could get that one down. No, I just went for it and now I will probably wait a few years and then have another one. But, I just had to confess my sin.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomin-Culture

Civil War - Major Revelations

So, for anyone who read my last post on the greatness that is Marvel Civil War, issue two just came out and DAMN! I am going to warn that I am giving a major piece of news away but as no one who reads this reads comics I will now go for it.

Spiderman revealed his identity to the world. That's right, the secret is out. Iron Man held a press conference and Peter Parker announced to the world on national television that he was Spiderman and has always been. I am just getting my mouth off the floor.


This is monumental. So many things will change after this. His family will never be safe. The need for a mask goes right out the window and he won't have to be running from the law because with this, he is now registered. That means he is a government agent. A paid agent. He's no longer a vigilante.

I peed myself a little just thinking about it. Sometimes they say "After this things will never be the same" but this is really one of those times.

So for now That is all,

Newt

Zombies Rock

So, I am currently reading a set of Graphic Novels of the comic book series 'The Walking Dead' and can I just say that I am really getting turned around on the whole Undead thing. I use to think that zombies were stupid and had no value but after reading this and seeing movies like Shaun of the Dead I realize that zombies aren't stupid, well I mean they are because they have no thought process because they are dead, but they have great story value.

In 'The Walking Dead' a man wakes up from a coma and the entire world has been zombiefied. He goes looking for survivors and finds his family living with a group of humans. The story is really character driven and the zombies are used as a looming threat. They stop the humans from finding food and shelter, but are barely in the book. The real story happens after the zombies appear because people who you wouldn't normally care about are now interesting because we see how they survive.



Also, the use of zombies as a comedic device have numerous possibilities. Why, I was just reading 'Marvel Zombies,' which is a zombie take on the Marvel superheroes, and lets just say that when Zombie Hulk eats a leg of a person and then changes back to Bruce Banner, the leg doesn't fit so well and busts out. Pure comedy gold. Plus, Zombie Spiderman is even funnier than regular Spidey.

All in all I have really changed my opinion of Zombies. And with that I say...

That is all,

Newt

A Modest Proposal

I AM ENGAGED!!! Well, now that we got that out of the way, I now present to you...my proposal.

Have you ever proposed to someone? Well, if you have then you know that it is very helpful if the person being proposed to wants to go out to where you want to propose. In my case Diana, the bride to be, was not so helpful. You see, we had previously decided to clean our filthy apartment and I thought this would help my cause because once we were done I assumed she would want to go out to a nice dinner. Wrong. Instead, I got dressed nicely and she informed me that she didn't want to get dressed up. She wanted to stay in her jeans.

Well, let me tell you that didn't sit to well with my dinner plans but I am not a quitter, so instead I asked her "Where do you want to go eat?" thinking that at least we could go eat somewhere of her choosing. This was when my second bubble burst. "I don't really want to go anywhere. I am too tired."

So, guess what happens when a groom to be tries twice to get his soon to be fiancee to go to dinner and is declined. He gets pissed. After a few minutes of fuming and saying that I would just eat whatever we had in the pantry, I just said "Get in the car, we're going to Fuddruckers." That's right, Fuddruckers, where you can get the World's Greatest Hamburger.

So, after a while over my Bacon Cheeseburger, I looked at my phone and noticed that Thomas had text me and it got us talking about planning weddings, as Thomas was at a wedding hence the discussion. Well that got Diana to say "I am not looking forward to planning a wedding," and being the smart ass that I am I said "Great, does that mean I don't have to propose?"

Let's just say that comment set Diana off. She started yelling and saying, "You just need to shut up about it. Either propose or stop talking about it because I am getting tired of your comments. You know, you say you're joking but maybe there is a hint of truth when you say stuff like that." I had the RING IN MY POCKET. How ironic is it that she said that when she was just feet away from her ring. So I just said ok and got up from the table and went to the restroom. We left shortly after that.

Now to the part on how I was going to propose to begin with. I had gotten one of those little toy holding bubbles that things come in when you buy them out of the turn machines. I had put her ring in it and after dinner I was going to find one of those machines, tell her that I couldn't wait any longer, and buy a toy ring and switch it out with the one I had. Then I was going to trick her into thinking I was proposing with a toy and then she would be surprised to find a real diamond on her finger.

That isn't how it happened. Instead, we came home and sat on the couch and I slid down to the floor and then crawled up on my knees and asked "Are you still mad?" She of course said yes and then I asked "Do you still love me?" I didn't get a lot of enthusiasm but she gave me an "I guess."

I pulled the bubble out of my pocket and said "Honey, I bought you a ring from the machine at the restaurant." She didn't think this was funny but I popped the ring out and kept it hidden. I told her I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and took her right hand and started sliding the ring on her finger. She kept saying "This isn't funny" and then informed me that I had the wrong hand.

After switching hands, I got the ring on the right finger and asked her to Marry Me. She finally started to wonder and said, "Are you serious?" I pulled my hands away so she could see the ring and asked her "Does this look serious to you?" And she cried. It took a while but I finally told her she never answered my question and she finally sobbed "Yes"

So that is how Trinity and Diana got engaged. If anyone wants to hear the story, you can now forward them to the written version and save yourself the trouble.

That is all,

Newt

Daytime TV, Oh how I missed you

Don't you just love Jerry Springer? Poor Liz, her husband is sleeping with his step-sister, but she is here to get him back.

"This Marriage is supposed to be 50/50 not 50/25" But can you blame Randy, "I love my sister, and I don't love you, don't need you". But Liz isn't going to give up so easily. "It takes two to tango, buddy."

Randy sheds some light on why he felt the need to sleep with his sister. "The first four years was pretty good, then we was married, and our love just fell, like when I go out playing Horseshuuus, and she starts yelling "Randy!"

But I sure thought they could reconcile. Then we met Sis. What a catch. Bleach blond hair, skinny as a Ethiopian, and oooh that gap in her teeth was ssssmokin. She was there to fight for her man/brother. That's when Jerry brought up what I think is a very good point, "Don't you feel strange being with your brother?"

Sis responded,
"I'm not blood, were step" and that's where I think the real logic lies.

There was a heated debate between Liz & Sis though. After taking her unborn baby into consideration, Sis informed Liz that "If yous wasn't pregnant I'd put you on the floor".

Liz didn't seem to appreciate all the concern for her kids, and she let Sis know it.
"You don't tell me how to raise my kids"
In which she responded, "No cause I raise 'em better"

But poor Liz got a little info from Sis, "You're the one done him like you did him!" Oh, no wonder he went to sleep with his sister. After a little bit more heated debate, Liz's plea doesn't fall on deaf ears, "I love you from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head," and lets just say that's one hell of a trip,

But Randy still has some hesitation so Liz tries another tactic. "I only have one thing to say, YOU WILL COME BACK to raise our kids, YOU WILL."

After a while Randy comes to a decision, "I'm goin back home to my babies". Sis don't take that too well. However, she does have a classy side to her, as she flashes the audience. Now that's class.

Everything does come into clarity as it was revealed they were all from OHIO. For some reason this causes the audience to dance. I am not making this up. They actually got up on stage and danced, like OHIO was the secret word or something.

Final thoughts?

That is all,

Newt

Go Mavs!

So, I am starting to catch the fever. That's right, last night I went to Dave & Busters to watch the Mavericks win Game 1 of the Finals 90 to 80 against the Miami Heat. This is a monumental day for a number of reasons. Number one is that I, and by I I mean Diana, bought a Mavericks shirt and wore it out last night. Second, I actually care if we win, and for those of you that know me that is a new development. Third, I watched the game. No, really I did. I'm serious. The first half was kind of hard to see since we were at a bar, but we watched the second half at Erin's so I could both see and hear the game.

Now, I am more a fan in the sense that I want the Mavs to win and will enjoy being from a city with a winning team. But that shouldn't discount my support. No, I probably couldn't name more than a few of the players and yes, I did just find out that Avery Johnson is black but who cares. I live in Dallas, and when in Dallas you root for the home team.

Go Mavs. Oh, and by the way, for anyone who watched the game and saw Terrel Owens get interviewed, I just have one comment. That guy is a douche bag. He is already disliked in the city of his new team, but last night while being interviewed he had on a Miami Heat Jersey. His reason? "Shaq is my boy, and friendship runs thicker than Blood" or something like that. Keep diggin' T.O. One day you won't be able to buy your way out of that hole.

That is all,

Newt

Go Mavs!

After Devil Day

So, yesterday was 06-06-06 and guess what. As far as we know, the Devil made no appearances. Yes, some religious groups did hold all day prayer sessions so maybe there was a little help, but all in all I didn’t notice anything different. I had hoped that at least the sky would have turned red or maybe the pond by my lake might dry up but I was slightly disappointed.

Now, the fact that the new remake of The Omen was released yesterday was a great little bit of press. I also know that some CDs were release to correspond to the big 666 day. Heck, even I got in spirit and felt like going out and seeing the movie just because the big day only happens once every 100 years.

The biggest thing that happened to me was that my little girl, Hazel, had a birthday yesterday. It did seem a little odd that my demon of a dog celebrated her birthday on the day of the Devil, but so did everyone else. One little fact that I did hear, women were rescheduling their births to avoid having their babies born yesterday. And I can’t blame them.

So Happy Belated Birthday to Hazel who turned two and to anyone who was born on 06-06-06, I hope your nannies don’t kill themselves on your fourth birthday.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomin-Culture

Motion Lotion

So, you know how women have all sorts of “nether region” creams? Some of them freshen, some of them just make it smell nice, and some are just to keep it look youthful. Well, I gave it some thought and decided that Men should have a cream that does all of this in one little bottle. I call it…‘Weiner Cleaner’.

That’s right guys. Imagine a cream just for us. One that can be massaged in to your frankfurter and will clean, de-age and add that lovely fragrance that makes a boy feel like a man. ‘Weiner Cleaner’ is the be all and end all of revitalizers. It can be applied numerous times and must be worked into the skin quite thoroughly. Just take the tubular pink bottle and squirt. A little dab will do it.

‘Weiner Cleaner’ from Head and Shoulders.

That is all,

Newt

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Well, another fun filled weekend was had in Midland and I am so glad that I am home. For the past few weeks, mine and Diana's weekends have been taken up with funerals, family reunions and weddings. It has been at least two weeks since I have had days that I would consider as "off" and my poor Diana has been away from home for 5 weekends in a row.

So, I am ever so excited to say that this weekend, my life will be boring. No driving out of town, no fulfilling a previous commitment, nope we will be at home and taking in the solitude. I use to think that sitting around on the weekends was a horrible way to spend a couple of days. Now I revel in it. It is funny how when you are in high school, the only thing you want to do is GO, but when you hit the working world all you want to do is STOP. Little breaks in reality.

That is all,

Newt

Mawedge

Tomorrow, my friends Ashlee and Clinton will be married. So, Congratulations on that. Luckily, I am not in the wedding, but Thomas is and now he will know the Hell he put me through. This means that I am headed to Midland, Tx tonight. That’s ok though because I bought three new CDs that Diana wasn’t happy about so we have plenty of music to listen to on the ride. So, for those of you that I will see, “See you soon.”

That is all,

Newt

I did it! Yeah me! - A remembrance

So, I just went on vacation to Alabama and while I was sitting around with my aunt Mickey, she told this story.

"One day, when Trinity was in High School, he came home from school and said, "Aunt Mickey, you would be so proud of me. I finally took a dump at school." He was so proud of himself."

Now for those of you who have never been regaled with the tales of my "stage fright" at school, I couldn't go two-sies at school. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I had a "stomach ache" and my poor old Granny would come pick me up and run me to her house so I could drop the kids off at the pool. I also had the same problem in most public places and my mother can attest to the numerous situations where I was clenching as she furiously drove home from some shop.

But, in the 10th grade, I finally did it. I broke down and during a zero period(which is the period before 1st for those of you who don't know what that is) I located the teacher's bathroom and did it. I crapped at school. To this day this is still one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. Since this time, I have slowly begun to work through my problem. I can easily go at work, and if I go to a Target, well lets just say the gates open.

So, as I thought this story was funny, I decided to post it for all the world to read. Aren't you all so proud?

That is all,

Newt