Sexual Awareness Week Day 5: Get a Life

Today is our last day of Sexual Awareness Week and I thought I would end our list of new and updated games for sexual awareness with the ultimate game of the real world, Life. The title for my new version? "Sex Life." We all know the original's premise. You work your way through the game, trying to see how your life would go if you a) went to College or b) went and started working. Well, in Sex Life the premise stays close. In my version you have to decide whether you hold onto your virginity, or throw caution to the wind and loosen that belt at a young age.

Throughout the game you will encounter different things that teenagers and young adults face. That time during high school where someone offered you pot, the college party where you drink too much and wake up in the morning feeling dirty, and the office Christmas party where your coworker wants to give you more than just a white elephant gift. What will you choose during your journey through the Sex Life.

During the game, you will have the opportunity to pick up diseases, infections, and the occasional baby. The end of the game will be determined by your added up medical expenses throughout your life compared to your opponents. The longer you keep yourself in your pants, the better you will do. But, can you resist the temptation?

This game will give children real life experiences to face and will hopefully see the consequences of their actions.

That is all,

Newt

Sexual Awareness Week Day 4: It's a Mystery!

Today's installment of Sexual Awareness Week focuses on teaching your children about sexual predators. We are going to put a new spin on the classic game "Mystery Date." With the internet currently providing so many different outlets for children to meet people, sexual predators are lurking on chat rooms and websites. Dateline just did another special on catching child predators.
So, my new game is simple. Hell, you don't even have to change the name. Just call it "Mystery Date: Millennium Edition." My version will be on a computer to help give the realism of what teens face today. In this game, each player has to figure out if they are chatting with a sexual predator or an average teenage boy using a generic instant messaging system. By asking questions, they have to narrow down whether they are talking to Chad, the high school football star who, as we all know, is dreamy, or are they possibly talking to Earl, father of two and just hitting 40.

A hint while playing, if he can name any of the Pink Floyd album titles, you're probably talking to Earl. As the game progresses, you will learn more about the person you are talking too and at the end of the game, you will invite your person over. If it turns out to be a child predator, then you just got fondled inappropriately and will be scarred for life. But, if it really is Chad, then you will go out for a soda and win the game. Isn't reality fun?

With the current forum for weird sickos to get their jollies, kids should be careful. Back in the 50's these people existed, they just didn't have such an easy way to vent their fantasies. So, as a rule of thumb, and I think a great slogan for the new Mystery Date, "A 40 year old penis doesn't go with a 14 year old whoowhoo."

That is all,

Newt

Sexual Awareness Week Day 3: What's the Risk

So, in our continuing education course, I now submit to you the next game in our sex/ed line. What's the Risk? This variation is a take off of the warfare game, Risk. Now we all know that in Risk, you and a competing army battle each other to see who can take over the world. Well, my version is quite similar to this. Instead of the world, What's the Risk? takes place in a generic body. Arms, legs, head, torso and waist are all areas of battle. The Warring factions, however, aren't armies. They are made up of the HIV Virus, and the bodies immune system.

My recommendation while playing this game is to be HIV. Why? Because know matter how well you play the game, you will never cure HIV. The game is played in the same way that regular Risk is played. You and your opponent place your globuals around the body and try to invade territories. Throughout the game, you roll to see if you can fight the virus or if the virus infects another area of the body. Watch out for those battle cards though. One false step and you could be facing a full blown outbreak of AIDS.

Other cards such as "T cell count increase", and "Medicinal Cocktail" help your body try to fend off the virus, but unless you can draw the coveted "Cure" card, you will die. Why? Because, no matter what you do, the HIV will always kill you. And if your opponent draws the "Death" card, then you will automatically die.

This is another fun example of how we can try to educate our children. So, maybe this game isn't on the market now, but you can always go out and make your own. Hell, you can even get your kids involved and they might learn a lesson in the process.

That is all,

Newt

Sexual Awareness Week Day 2: Out of Operation

So, we've hit day two in our Sexual Awareness Seminar and we continue my ideas on educating children about sex and its dangers. Today we alter the surgical game Operation.

In the sex/ed version of Operation, we replace our good buddy the Patient with a new version. Instead of a Fat guy on the table, we put a girl on. Her symptoms? STD's. Using your tweezers you will have to pull out different Sexually Transmitted Diseases from her body. Imagine playing this game as a child and pulling a Herpes outbreak off of her lip. The bad news is you will have to draw a card to see if another outbreak will occur.

Oh, the hours of fun you can have. Remove Chlamydia from her pubic area, inflammation from her Fallopian tubes, and genital warts from, you guesses it, her genitals. In fact most of the symptoms will have to be removed from her genitals as that is where most STD's occur. And while we are at it, we might as well just remove her ovaries, as many Sexually transmitted infections can lead to infertility.

But girls should also learn that sex can lead to more than just a virus. That's why, there will also be a baby placed in her stomach. For effect however, the baby will not be able to be removed until the end of the game, or a premature birth card is drawn.

Girls should really be more careful with their bodies and yet they aren't. More than 20 STIs have now been identified, and they affect more than 13 million men and women in this country each year. As education is the key, I again urge creativity as a way of prevention.

That is all,

Newt

Sexual Awareness Week Day 1: Get a Clue!

After writing this blog, I decided that it was my duty to come up with new and innovative ways to teach children about sex and its risks. This is day one of Sexual Awareness Week.

So, I was recently discussing the fact that teenagers are more and more sexually active these days and it got me thinking. The schools can't teach you anything about sex, and it has been proven that your childhood has an affect on you so I suggest that our good friends at Parker Brothers create a new edition of Clue, that popular detective who done it game. This version would be called "Get a Clue" and instead of figuring out who killed the victim, we would instead be trying to figure out who gave the Venereal Disease to the Football player.

Imagine, if you will. The setting will be a town. The players will consist of The Cheerleader, The Band Geek, The Actor, The Loner, and The Volleyball player. A list of diseases will take the place of the murder weapons, and the settings will be various areas of town, i.e. Lookout Mountain, the Movie theatre, Victim's House, School, and a couple of other areas.

Now its up to the players to figure out "Who gave the Football player the VD?" Think of the hours of fun that you and your friends would have playing. The same rules apply, only now instead of it being "Miss Scarlett, in the Library, with the Candlestick", you will get to say "It was the Cheerleader, in the back of the Chevy, with gonorrhea."

Lets face it, teenagers these days are being less careful and more promiscuous. I went to a movie theatre this weekend and saw a kid who couldn't have been 15 with his hand on a girls ass and making out on a bench. I have no doubt that she is giving him more that her popcorn. I know that my childhood was influenced by random things, and I don't know if just talking to kids will be the answer anymore. Now, schools can only teach abstinence, and brother that ain't gonna cut it.

So, along with my suggestion, I will leave you with a parting comment that I saw on a respectable news program last weekend. Tina Fey, from Weekend Update said it best. "Girls, Your mouth can't get pregnant."

That is all,

Newt

Pavlov's Grog...gyness

So, Thomas has been discussing dreams lately so I thought I would share a couple I had last night with my audience.

So the first dream I had involved recruiting for my company. Strange? Well, not really except that the recruit in question was a large black lab. I went and picked him up from the airport and brought him to my work and myself and an unknown person were there asking him questions. We asked him his experience and the lab sat across from me speaking in perfect English. And, he was extremely qualified for the job. The interview took a turn when his animal side took over. At one point he walked up to me and licked me. He also disappeared for a few minutes and we found him asleep under a desk.

I woke up a little dazed but I finally got back to sleep. And when I did, this happened.

So, I was walking Duncan and wasn’t using a leash. Duncan usually stays right by me but today he decided to run off. He went around a fence and I started jogging to catch up to him. When I finally got over to where he was standing, I looked around the fence and saw….Woody Allen. That’s right, The Woody Allen. And what was Mr. Allen doing. Trying to steal my dog! He was tip toeing up to Duncan just as I came around the corner and when he saw me, like a cartoon, he turned around and tip toed away, as if he wasn’t acting weird at all. I pulled out my new cell phone and started taking pictures of the event and when I did, Woody didn’t like that very much. He started chasing me so I scooped up Duncan and ran. I kept my camera out and tried to hold it in front of me and take a picture of me running with Woody Allen on my heals, all the while hearing Woody yelling, “I… well I wasn’t, you see I wasn’t trying to…ah…take your dog as much as I was…ah…I was just curious of the…ah…breed”

This all being said, I have very weird dreams and these seemed to be worth sharing.

That is all,

Newt

Movie Madness

So I was listening to Kidd Kraddick this morning and they brought up an interesting question that got me thinking. They asked “What movies have you seen more than any other?” Or, in other words, “What movie, when it’s on can you not help but watch?”

So, I ask this question of you. Give me a list of the 5 movies that you have seen more than any other. Mine are…

1. Breakfast Club – It was on TBS every weekend and you just can’t stop Emilio Estevez
2. Notting Hill – Not only is this my favorite movie, it is also so quotable that its ridiculous
3. Pleasantville – Another one of those classics. “You can’t stop something that’s inside of you”
4. The Cutting Edge – “Toepick” ‘nuff said. Well, actually it’s not enough. How about a hockey player and an ice skater falling in love…on the ice.
5. The Neverending Story – “Bastion, Please, Give Me A Name”, I will give you a name…Awesome. Give me that piece of sand and I will gladly remake Fantasia.

And, as an aside, I have to throw in one final, yet disappointing movie that I have seen so many more times then I should, and yet still enjoy it.
6. Howard the Duck – When he rocks out with that guitar and Lea Thompson starts dancing I can’t help but enjoy it.

So, let me know what you can’t help but watch.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday

What is your favorite day of the week? Today, Wednesday, is my favorite day of the week. Why? Because it’s comic book day. Now, for the 99.999999 percent of people who don’t read comic books, this probably doesn’t make a lot of sense but for me, it is extremely important. It is the day that I gauge all other days on. I can guarantee you that if I am deathly ill, and its Monday, I am going to die on Thursday because I will need to wait until I get my comics and read them before I die.

Also, I will never get married on a Wednesday, because it would definitely cut into my comic book reading, and I know Diana will be greedy and want us to spend time together on our Wedding Day. I will even wager that if Diana tried, she could probably gauge how enjoyable my comic book day was by my mood. My love of the comic book is so strong that I forfeit my lunch hour just to make it to the store and run back to work.

Adding to the fact that its comic book day, Lost is usually on television on Wednesday. Now I know how hit or miss this can be, but this is just another in a long line of great shows that has aired on Wednesdays. As long as I have been around, I just can’t think of a better day.

Oh, and it’s hump day and how can you not love a day that has humping in it?

That is all as I have to read comic books now,

Newt

Guitar Lessons

Let me start off by telling you all that one of my life long goals is to learn to play the banjo. I know it's not the coolest instrument in the world, but I don't particularly care. My love of the banjo is in my blood. Hell, I even watched that cartoon Doug because he played a banjo.

Now my parents were hesitant to go out and buy me a banjo because they were expensive and, lets face it, my parents aren't to fond of entertaining my weird requests. So instead of a banjo, we compromised and I got a guitar. This really is a superior instrument when it all boils down. So, I got a teach yourself book and even signed up for lessons from Midland College. I played a little bit but just never really could get myself pumped up enough to take an interest. After my course ended, I moved to Lubbock and the guitar went with me. It hasn't been removed from the case since.

Until Now. Diana left me for the Easter weekend and with nothing better to do, I pulled it out... my guitar that is. Three years haven't helped to retain to much information but I am determined to get proficient in guitar. So, everyone pray for me. Pray that I have the patience to stick with it this time, pray that I have a sliver of talent in my body so that I can be decent at it, and pray that no matter how bad I play Diana will stay with me. As I post this, I am already gearing up to go sit on the floor and pick at it...my guitar that is.

That is all,

Newt

Speedos

This is just a little post on the unnecessary-ness of speedos. Whether you call them speedo, banana hammock, or nut cradler it is an unnecessary piece of clothing. This all comes up because as I took the dogs out this afternoon, I noticed a man and his baby were at the pool. He was getting out and I guess he had his baby in with him. The awkward part was that he was wearing a speedo and didn't think it a problem. But it is a problem. The government should really pass a bill banning these horrible contraptions. Let your boys fly free. Wear the bathing suit with this mesh underwear inside. It's what God would want. Otherwise, why did he let it get invented?

Just Say No to Speedo!

That is all,

Newt

The DaVinci Code - A Review

So I finally did it. I read The DaVinci Code. After working in a book store for two years and having the book sit on my shelf for lord knows how many months, I finally sat down with it and read. My verdict? Freakin' Awesome. I read it in three days and that was light reading. The hype is correct with this novel.

There were so many things about this book that I loved. The code breaking that is involved throughout the story was extremely entertaining. I love a good mystery when it comes to a book. I always hope I can figure it out before any of the main characters do. With this, however, it was impossible due to the lack of knowledge on my part for biblical writings and the sybolism of Mary Magdalene and the Church. This book has all of the things you would want in a quick read. Intrigue, mystery, a slight hint of romance, and action. The chapters are short and it makes it so much harder to put the book down because "Just one more chapter" keeps getting muttered.

I can now recommend this book to people and say that I have read it(I was known for recommending it without having read it when I worked at the WaldenBooks). With the movie coming out, it just seemed like that was the fire lit under my ass that got me to pick it up.

That is all,

Newt

Graduation Day

I would just like to say Congratulations to my sister Kim for graduating from Medical Assistance school. She was given her diploma this afternoon and I would like everyone to send their well wishes so she can read them. Just as a side note, my dad called me, with pride in his voice, and told me that they were also handing out awards given out by the class members. These are things such as 'Most Compassionate' or 'Most Improved'. My sister, in her regular fashion, was also granted an award. What was she presented with you ask. Well, her classmates gave her the coveted 'Most Likely to Be Doing Something Else' award. We are all very proud. So don't forget to post a congrats to Kim everybody! I am proud of you, sister.

That is all,

Newt

Punchlines

So, I have recently been using the punchline "That's what she said" whenever someone says something and it got me thinking about the brilliance of this phrase as well as the phrase "... In my pants!" In thinking about this, I contend that with these two sayings, you could interject them into almost any situation and it be deemed funny.

Experiment time.

"Can I have a large Tea?"
"That's What she said"

"Do you have the time?"
"In my pants"

"I'm tired"
"that's what she said"

"Do you have a pet snake?"
"In my pants"

Yes, that's right. With these two simple phrases you can be the talk of any party, work function, or marital spat. So the next time someone asks you if you can recommend something for dinner, just remember there is always something to eat "In my pants."

That is all,
(That's what she said)

Newt

That's So Gay!

What happened to "That's So Gay"? For a while there it was everywhere. You would hear someone say something stupid and invariably someone would say "That's so Gay!" My cousin was really bad about it and it drove me crazy. First off, what the hell does that even mean? If a guy walked in and was wearing a pink shirt and you said "That's so Gay" then, ok, I get it. Pink = girly = homosexual. That makes sense. But when someone tells you that they went out drinking and ordered a Pina Colada, is the proper response really "You're so Gay"? How did this stupid phrase catch on so quickly, and furthermore, why do people use it for so many situations?

Here is a test of if you shouldn or shouldn't use the phrase "That's So Gay".
A. Is the person being told the phrase in any way associated with the use of a Penis? If yes, proceed to second criteria.
B. Would the reason you are using the phrase be consistent with something a stereotypical homosexual would be associated with?

If these criteria work, then go for it. Use the phrase. But using a banana doesn't constitute the use and neither does licking an ice cream cone. So, unless you see me walking down the street with a weiner in my mouth, or maybe grabbing somebody other than Thomas' ass, please refrain from using this saying. It is no longer 1993 and the homosexual population has risen in number so that "That's So Gay" is really more of a compliment than it was originally intended for. I apoligize for putting the image of me with a penis in my mouth into your heads.

That is all,

Newt

Who's A Porn Star?

Well, I've been thinking lately about old classmates and after finding out that a girl that I dated is bisexual it got me wondering, Who's A Porn Star? I figure with the population of Midland TX being around 100,000 people, it isn't too far fetched to think that one or two of the girls or guys that I went to school with is now "posing for the camera" somewhere. You hear about it all the time. Somebody who is gonna be a big star in Hollywood gets to LA and realizes it isn't so easy. They get hungry and end up taking their clothes off as two dudes double stuff them for a couple grand.

Well, both Lee High and Midland High had drama departments as well as choir. And I am sure that a few of those shmucks thought they could make it big. So time for a little classroom exercise. You have two options for this one. A. Take out your yearbook and scan through it to pick out a few people that you think could be making it big on the small screen, or B. Google the names of all the sluts in your high school and see if they are currently charging 29.95 a month for their subscription service.

We all knew that girl in high school that couldn't keep her legs closed and that guy that knew the free clinics nurses by name. Well have you ever thought "Where are they now?"

That is all,

Newt

Phantom of the Opera

So last night, I went and sat through Andrew Lloyd Weber's "The Phantom of the Opera." Now, I like musicals and, in general, I like the theatre but I did not like this play. The only experience I ever really had to the story was from an episode of Night Court where Dan Fielding kidnaps Christine Sullivan and takes her down to the basement of the courthouse and plays the Phantom. The episode was better than what I saw last night.

I have to gripe about this because for any guy out there who gets dragged along to this play: Do Your Research. In general the performance was crappy. I couldn't hear what the actors where saying and the songs were dull and uninspired. At least twice I daydreamed about My Name is Earl, and started laughing. Yes, Diana that is why I was laughing.

This story is this. Some ugly guy who thinks he can write music trains a shy singer to take center stage and when she does, he thinks that entitles him to kidnap her and drag her down to his dungeon. Then she unmasks him, which happens way too early in the show, and melodrama ensues. The characters in this play really don't get developed very well and there wasn't one person I could identify with.

I went in trying to enjoy myself and left thinking I would have been happier watching the new Larry the Cable Guy movie, and that's saying something.

That is All,

Newt

Mother TeresOH NO!

Dateline America: In a move that further proves Hell has frozen over, an Indian Director is trying to convince Paris Hilton to play the part of, wait for it, Mother Teresa in a new movie. That’s right, THE Paris Hilton, star of night shot porn movies and crappy horror flicks has been approached to play a Nobel laurite and would be Saint. Oooh, Hot!!!

What the Hell is this guy thinking? First, she can’t act. B, she is an idiot who in no way reflects anything that Mother Teresa stood for. His reasoning behind this decision, “She looks like her.” In researching this I found a great blurb. Some guy said, “It's so refreshing to see a director whose sole focus is on what his leading lady looks like. This constant focus on talent and acting ability gets so tiresome. If only more filmmakers would rely entirely on looks as a yardstick, movies would be so much more fulfilling.”

My sentiments exactly. With this casting we can only hope to see other unrespected actors can get recognized. In coming news we will hear Jenna Jameson playing The Virgin Mary, and Ron Jeremy as Moses. I guess the real question is what role with Tinkerbell the Chihuahua play?

That is All,
Newt

Water, Water Everywhere…

Last night, I was in the restroom with Diana getting ready to go to bed. This was at 10 P.M. Diana stepped on the rug right next to the bathtub and her foot came back wet. Upon further review, we noticed a large burnt orange mark on our white shower curtain. The joys of renting came into full view as I saw where all of the water was coming from. The A/C unit above the bathtub was dripping.

Now my first thought is condensation. We have been running the A/C a lot and our course it can build up. Well, I decided to unscrew the panel above the unit and let the water out. Luckily, I undid the right screw first because as soon as I got it out, orange water began to pour out of the screw hole. We had to call the apt. to see if someone could come out and while waiting, I watched 20 minutes of a steady stream drop into our bathtub.

I got it drained as much as possible and laid the shower liner down on the ground because I was now going to open the panel. After getting a little bit more water out, I undid the last two screws and let the panel drop. I guess I got most of the water out by draining because very little was left. What faced us instead were a HUGE rust stain and a dead cockroach. I guess he drowned. We finally got to bed about 11 after the maintenance guy called and said he would be out in the morning.

The point of this story? Condensation sucks!

That is all,
Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - A Dog Day Afternoon

Ah, the day in a life of a dog. Imagine if you will...

"Hey Hazel, that couch sure looks mighty comfortable. Do you want to switch spots with me?"
"Look D, ain't gonna happen. You've gotten too comfortable bein' all pampered from living with the old man for so long. You've gone and lost all your street cred. You want this spot you just got to take it."
"Well, I'm not sure what street cred is, but I haven't lost anything."
"Oh Yeah! Prove it."

Not knowing what to do, Duncan decided to walk over to the hole that Hazel had eaten in his bed and began to pull out all the stuffing. As he spit the blue cotton candy out he said, "How about that?"

"You dumb mutt, that ain't nothin'. You got to really rebel. Watch." The spry Terrier began to walk along the back of the couch until she was able to reach the countertop. From there she used her snout to push off a brand new box of Puffs tissue onto the floor.
"Well I don't see how that was better then mine" said Duncan. "I mean, look at the mess I made."
"Well sure, but I'm not done yet." Hazel began to systematically pull each tissue out of the box. "This is takin way too long" she said, "I'm just gonna rip this box apart." And she did.

Duncan had lived with Trinity for way too long to let Hazel just one up him like that so he did the only thing he could do, as his short legs hindered him from reaching too high. He waddled over to the record player and pulled the toy basked down. Toys flew everywhere and as he dragged it into the living room, a berzerker rage took over Hazel.

"Damn, D. You knows I can't resist Wicker!" And Hazel tore into the basket, mixing blue stuffing, tissues and basket in a tornado of trash. As Duncan walked over to the spot Hazel had been keeping warm, he thought, "I may not have any street cred, but when dad gets home, I know he's gonna blame Hazel. I would rather be a dumb mutt, the a red assed Norfolk Terrier."










That is all,

Newt

Land Ho!

I was recently on a conference call for work when someone mentioned that they were on a computer so old that it could have played Oregon Trail. This brought to me so many fond memories of the 5th grade and all of the free time that was spent trying to race my family across the plains in an effort to help them survive. I don’t know how many gold stars I had to get to play, but darn it I was on that computer constantly. I cried when my little boy got cholera, and darn it if we didn’t have a few broken wheels along the way. What I found most heartening about the entire fiasco was that it was so random. Thus I bring to you something you should use in your every day life,

“Oregon Trails Life Lessons”

1. Don’t let your children out of your sight because if you do they will get bit by a rattler and there is no anti venom on the trail.
2. Keep your Oxen tied up at night. They are stupid animals and will drown if not properly secured.
3. Keep your cuts clean. Gangrene can set in at any moment and crossing the trail sans a leg can really be a bitch.
4. I’m not sure what cholera is, but watch out for it. It was the bane of my Oregon Trail experience.
5. It's an open plain. This means you should see the pot holes coming. Therefore, avoid them so you won’t have to replace so many wheels.
6. Beware dysentery.
7. Be creative on your tombstone, you only die once each game so make it memorable.
8. Avoid Native American
9. Hunting is a game, at least by the Oregon Trail standards.
And finally
10. Apparently Oregon doesn’t suck

That is all,
Newt

Slither - A review

So Yesterday, I got off early and decided to take in a movie. I went to see "Slither" because on premise and everything I saw about it, it looked like a campy horror flick that would make fun of itself and make me laugh. The premise of the movie is that an Alien rock lands on earth and this little puss thing comes out and infects a man. Turns out it is an alien virus that goes from planet to planet infecting and eating everything alive until there isnt anything left.

It delivered on the making fun of itself, and even slipped in a few good one liners, but bottom line: this movie stunk. The casting was actually fairly good. It had a few C listers that I actually enjoy. The little slithery things that the alien uses to infect people are extremely funny. They go in through the mouth so every time someone gets infected, it just looks like they've got a big sausage in their mouths.

The cast of characters include the mandatory small town cop who is in love with a girl he never thought he could have, a school teacher(the object of said cops affections) who is slightly stupid but incredibly beautiful, her A$$ hole husband(who later becomes the alien host), and a rag tag bunch of hillbilly small town people. Think Andy Griffith meets Alien and you have an idea of this movies cast.

All in all it was a decent watch, but I don't think I would have been any worse had I missed out on it. All throughout the movie I just expected Tom Servo to pop up and ad lib some goofy joke. So this critics rating is a B, as in B movie.

That is All,

Trinity