Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Condom Sense

So, I have been married about 2 years now and one of the perks of being married, actually one of the main reasons to get married, is that you can trust in "The Pill" and not worry about pregnancy as much. I figure if one of my boys gets past the goalie then that is OK because we are married. So, for 2 years I have been lucky enough to go condom free when my wife gives in to my begging and pleading to have sex with me.

A few weeks ago however, Diana was put on an antibiotic, and for the male and female readers who don't know, if you go on antibiotics, ''The Pill" might not work. What does that mean for me? You guessed it, I am back on the rubbers.

I must say I don't care for the whole thing. Sure, my wife's skin is clearing up due to the medication and that is nice...for her. But now I am having to do something I haven't done in forever and to top it all off, now I have to buy the stupid things. Which brings me to my point.

I think I bought Black Guy condoms.

I went to the store after almost exhausting what was left of my condom stash, maybe 3 or 4 from P.C.(Pre Condom) days and as I stood in the prophylactic aisle at the local Tom Thumb I remembered the stupid feeling of buying condoms.

Diana said it best when, as I threw a box in the cart, she stated, "I hate buying these. It is embarrassing. It feels like when you buy them you are doing something wrong, even though your not. I feel like they look at you and go, "Why are they using these?""

Anyway, I was looking at the different options and didn't see the ones I usually got so I decided to try something else. I saw Trojan had a new condom out called Ecstasy and thought that sounded preferable to anything called "Mediocre". I noticed the box of 10 was bigger than a normal 12 pack but two and two didn't go together at that moment. When I got them home I realized I may have bought something that didn't fit.
Below is a picture of my traditional condom package on top of my new condom package. See a discrepancy? I don't know yet but I am going to guess that if I use one it will feel like parachute pants: snug in the middle but baggy as hell around the...well you know.


The package claims it feels like nothing is there but I have worn sweaters that are too big and just because there was extra fabric doesn't mean it floated on air. I may just use them as socks for when it is raining and buy a different box.

That is all,

Newt

8 Ripples in the pond:

Soda and Candy said...

I feel you on the condom hate.

Yay marriage!

mo.stoneskin said...

The alternative, of course, is that you could wear one as a hat. If you stretch it right over your face it could even double up as a swine flu mask.

The worst thing about buying condoms is that even if you manage to look completely unbothered, a normal person buying normal things, if there is a queue they all look at you intently, watching your every move.

You can buy them online though, and often they come in subtle packages, which works just fine.

Proud Maisie said...

Condom volley-ball. Yay.
Go get some more.
Can she put them on you using only her mouth?
As you can see, I have never been shy about buying them, but like you, I do hate them so. A necessary evil.

Mega8815 said...

I hate hate hate condoms. It's like Maisie says... a necessary evil.

Good luck on the parachutes!

Lola Lakely said...

Ugh, I hate condoms too.

The only good thing about the slim. slim, slim possibility of me being a committed realtionship is that I wouldn't have to use them.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

You poor soul. Those things are Evil with a Capital E. I remember the embarrassment of buying them, and thinking "Why the hell am I embarrassed? I'm going to have sex!" Hope Diana's antibiotics are finished soon. You don't want to repeat that mistake a second time...

Simon said...

I don’t buy condoms either – I don’t have sex. It saves both shopping embarrassment and the risk of fathering unwanted children.

Girl Interrupted said...

Ooh! Hammer pants for "Little Newt"

Hope Diana's doing ok.