TBWCYL Day 272 - Getting Dicey

The Book gave me the story of "The Dice Man" which was about a man who used dice to decide his fate. That's why today I let a set of dice rule my decisions. By setting decisions based on odd or even number combinations, I was no longer responsible for my choices.

It started first thing this morning by deciding two things. First, I rolled to decide if this morning I was going to go get a tea on the way to work. The answer came back as 'no' so I went without. The second involved how to get to work. Odds made me take a left and use one highway, evens dictated I go straight and take the other highway. Not big decisions but they affected my day slightly. Had I gotten the tea or taken Highway A my life might have taken a different turn.

Diana sent me an email to ask if I wanted to go to the store with her after work and I assigned the numbers and rolled. She had to go by herself. I can only assume fate saved me from some unforeseeable doom.

Work didn't allow for any die being cast due to being in a training all day. I did pull them out as I was leaving work to determine if I was going to mow my yard. Honestly, I wasn't looking forward to it but when the die rolled a 10, I no longer had a choice and came home to pull the mower out.

Having to mow meant it was finally time to go fill up the gas can and I asked the die to decide if I was going to just buy gas or get a drink while I was there. Fate smiled on me and I got a tea with my gas purchase. It also determined that I was going to listen to Rock music instead of Country while mowing.

We made a quick meal of nachos this evening and Diana told me to preheat the oven. I told her I would have to check with the die to make that decision and they disagreed. As it was time to eat I cast to find out the number of nachos I could have and rolled a mighty 7. Diana was still hungry and made a second helping to which I was given another 7 from a second roll.

I took the dice up to bed thinking I might get to play sexual Yahtzee but Diana just read and then went to sleep. It was sort of anticlimactic. I really wanted to yell "Yahtzee".

That is all,

Newt

Halloweenie

Diana and I were just sitting here and she was hanging out in her Snuggie when I said, "You should wear that for Halloween and go as XXXXXXXXXXXXX". She asked what that was and I said, "You know, XXXXXXX from VVVVVVVVVVV".

After showing her a picture of said person she said, "No one would know what I was if I went as that" which led me to challenge that statement and thus, we dressed Diana up as XXXXXXXXXXX and challenge my readership to tell me if anyone who reads this can identify the character/person/thing that my wife is dressed up as.

Winner gets bragging rights.


We have been laughing ever since we played dress up. Oh the joys of marriage.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 271 - From the Mouth of Babes

*** Warning Sappy Post Ahead ***

Today I was tasked with talking to a child, and there is no child I would like to talk to more than my Goddaughter, Addison. She is my favorite little girl in the world and at only 1 and a 3/8 she is just about perfect. I don't normally talk about nice things on my blog, what with the masturbation followed by penal punctuations, but if you got my started on Addison then you could see my softer side. Not the squishy coating I have but the part of me that melts when I see my baby.

I called Thomas, her father, on my way home from work and asked him to put Addy on. She tries to call me T which is all she can get out for Uncle T, which is my name. After some fidgeting on the other end of the line, Thomas was able to get her to hold the phone and as I said things like "Addison, are you there?" and "What are you doing?" I got back "Hea-Yah".

She also got out "T" which was only slightly clear. I haven't seen her in a couple of months and I am jonesing to go visit but haven't had the time. I almost drove up on my birthday weekend but we had commitments in Midland that stopped me.

Thomas and I decided she was really trying to tell me the secrets of life but since we don't speak baby that we missed out on something big.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 270/The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Cake Eaters

It isn't often I get to mix two of my post series together for one blog but today The Book delivered in spades. Here is what happened.

The Book set my task today to make a Fruit Cake. There was a recipe that follows

8 oz Margarine

12 oz Superfine sugar

10 oz Flour

5 eggs

20 oz dried fruit

Mix together and put in pan to cook at 320 degrees for 90 minutes. Well, we hit the store and around lunch today I made the cake. It tasted nasty so after a few bites I threw it in the garbage. Please note the picture as the cake size comes into play later in the story.

So after dinner tonight we decided to go to see a movie. You may have already guessed what happened but on returning from 'Love Happens' we were met with a cowering Hazel by the back door which means that shit has hit the fan. In this case, it was trash hitting the dining room floor but you get my point.

Now, remember the cake? You know, the entire cake I threw away that is the size of a sheet cake? Well, I guess Duncan and Hazel's palettes are not as delicate as mine because they didn't have any trouble polishing off half of my cake. The dark spots are the Crazins I put inside it. So in my estimation, not counting what else they may have eaten out of the trash, they took in the calories from:

1 stick of margarine

6 oz of sugar

5 oz of flour

10 oz of Crazins

2 eggs

This was after eating a bowl of food each just hours before.

Here are the culprits after being dragged back to the scene of the crime. You might notice the tubular shape to the two criminal masterminds. I can only imagine what will happen in the next few days as my yard becomes a minefield of technicolor droppings.

I am probably unlike most owners who come home to find this kind of mess. As soon as we see what has happened we pull out the camera, set the stage, and use the power of guilt to get our dogs in compromising photos. The fun of making them feel bad about what they have done is worth the cleanup. Here is one last picture of my would be crime boss after being caught. The Pot Head Dragon lives.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 269 - A Star is Born

Well, I was tasked today with discovering a star. Lets start with the obvious: I am not an Astronomer. I have never had any real interest in the stars and aside from visits to the Planetarium as a child, I am pretty much useless when it comes to this kind of thing. But I kept my eyes peeled and sure enough I found a star that I don't think is charted on any maps.

As I was driving to the bar last night to watch the Texas Tech beating, I didn't know that at the time so I was blissfully ignorant, I kept my eyes peeled for stars. While I was sitting at a stop light, I looked over and right between a pair of motorcycles and a 5 foot tall guitar was a huge metal star similar to the one seen here. It had to have been 4 feet tall and was sitting outside a restaurant/bar in Addison, Texas. I am not sure what it was doing there but I was amazed to discover it.

These stars are a bit of a staple in Texas; I am not sure if they are popular anywhere else. On any given day you will see them attached to the sides of houses, fences, or barns. They add a little bit of flair to things and I think people believe it helps show Texas pride or something. This was actually the first time I can remember seeing one done up like the state flag. I also like that it is a star with a star on it.

I guess Galileo wasn't as talented as everyone makes him out to be because discovering stars is easy.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 268 - Hey Girlfriend!

I have been dreading today ever since I saw the page in The Book. Today I was to...

Contact an old Girlfriend and Offer to Meet Up!!!

I really didn't want to do this. I have nothing against my old girlfriends per se but the want to get back together and talk about old times is not the most pleasing idea in the world. I have had a total of 6 actual people I would consider girlfriends and I know how to contact two of them if I ever needed to. Well, today I needed to and I bit the bullet. I almost considered lying to all of you and saying I couldn't contact anyone but I respect you all way to much for that.

Here are the girls I had to choose from(in chronological order)

Nicole: We met while working in a fast food burrito place. She was my first kiss at the ripe old age of 16. She was also my first foray into anything sexual and I learned a lot from this relationship...all 6 months of it. She is also the topic on a previous post I had. She and I fought occasionally over her want to smoke weed and it led to her dumping me. Ironically, after she dumped me I finally lost weight, got contacts, and a haircut and was the most attractive I had ever been.

Amanda: This was my hardcore Christian girlfriend. She was younger than me by a year or so and we mostly had to stay in her parents presence when we were at her house. This was a short lived 3 months but was pretty serious in terms of high school. She broke up with me because she was afraid it would get too serious but she was my prom date so I still took her. I am a schmuck and should have told her to suck it but I didn't.

Vanessa: Ah Vanessa, the one that got away if I ever had one of those. She was older, in drama and at a different school. I met her randomly and somehow asked her to her prom on the first day I met her. We dated before the prom but nothing ever happened and I think it was all because I didn't make any moves. This did lead to me getting a date with someone else though. This one doesn't count as a breakup but just sort of ended.

Heidi: I was a Senior, she was a Sophomore and way to young for me. We had friends that were dating and accompanied them to a movie. While standing outside the theatre, our friends were kissing in front of us and after saying something like, "I guess we are going to have to start making out too", she responded with "Prove It" and I leaned in and we started making out. It only lasted for a month but it was a fun little month. Sadly enough, she broke up with me.

Natalee: We started dating our Senior Year and I was engaged after we graduated. We lived together for about 11 months and things started to die down and we both realized we weren't ready for marriage. I were on and off again through my Sophomore year in college and tried to stay friends but things fizzled out. I was the instigator in this break-up which sort of broke the mold for all of my other relationships.

Diana: Similar to the Heidi scenario, I got my wife with a challenge of making out. We were both drunk and she kept asking for someone to make out with her, I volunteered and she backed down. Four or five tries later, we were in a room where I refused to take advantage of her(I know, I am a pussy) and she subsequently got all puky and had to leave the room. On a more sober night, I asked if she would like to stay over and she said yes. I goaded her with "You are full of it" and "You won't do it" and she walked up stairs and slept in my room. No, we didn't have sex but it was our first kiss and if I would have thought about it, was a pretty good standard to how our relationship has been since then. Hell, I married her so hopefully there won't be a break-up on this one.

So, who did I contact? Well, a while back I got an email from Heidi via my LinkedIn account. She found my name and shot me a quick hello. We chatted via email and when I told her I was married she said congrats and I haven't heard from her since. Today I sent her a quick email just asking how things were going. I don't see us meeting up as we are 6 hours away from each other but maybe we can have lunch together sometime when I am home.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 267 - Welcome to the Gun Show

Yesterday's task was one I couldn't do. I was supposed to dispose of a weapon that was in the house and make headway towards a more peaceful nation. The problem is that I am a pacifist by nature and aside from a crossbow, which Diana refuses to let me get, I wouldn't even consider having a weapon in the house. I don't like guns, big knives are just a compensation unless you are a hunter, and I hurt myself once with a slingshot so I can't even go Dennis the Menace on anyone.

In fact the only guns I have are the ones located between my shoulder and elbow and they aren't menacing or detachable. I considered throwing out a kitchen knife but they are a set and I don't believe my wife would care for me to much if I broke them up.

Honestly, if I ever need to defend my house my only real hope is to build a makeshift flamethrower out of a can of hairspray and a lighter. Or I could drown them with the tears of fear that will be coming out as I wet myself.

How is this for irony, as soon as I posted this blog to test layout, this ad was to the left of the screen. Big Brother is watching me.

That is all,

Newt

White Trash Bash 2009

I promised a post about this year's White Trash Bash. To start, the White Trash Bash started as a sort of Joke/Birthday Party last year. We have random parties sometimes for different things and last year I discovered I share a birthday with Jeff Foxworthy. So, we threw him a birthday party and to celebrate, made it a redneck theme. Well, it stuck and this is why we had the 2ND Annual White Trash Bash.

Always wanting to go bigger than before, I set the goal that this would be Bigger, Better and Trashier than last year and we pulled it off. Not only did we spring for a keg, I also set up beer pong and flip cup in the back yard, borrowed the projector from work and wired it to broadcast the Texas Tech vs. UT game on my garage wall, and we made beer koozies to pass out. And to put a cherry on top of this sundae, we had a 2 year old running around in a wife beater and his Spider-Man underwear and carrying a beer bong.

Yes, I did shave a Double T into my chest, not only to root for my team but also to hide what was left of the heart I shaved into my chest so I didn't have to explain it to my coworkers who don't know about The Book.

I love being able to let out my inner redneck. Everyone has a little in them and this party always proves it. I look forward to next year when I am going to have to figure out a way to top myself. Check out the pictures at our Picasa site. Some are blurry but we were drinking so don't blame us. There are a ton more out there but I haven't found anyone other than my own.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 266 - Remember When?

Today was a simple day and actually has no real task. More a helpful set of rules for remembering things. The Book asked me if I could remember last Thursday*, which I could. Had I not been able to I could use these tips to remember it.

Routine Recall Recognition: What do you normally do on Thursday? Did you do it again?

Cognitive Rewinding: Start at yesterday and trace back until you remember.

External Stimuli Support: Look at newspaper headlines and see if they job any memories.

Repetitive Association: Say "Thursday" over and over again until your mind snaps back to Thursday.

Leapfrogging Matrix: Look back at something you discussed with others as a point of reference and see if Thursday had anything to do with it.

Cheating: Look back in the Book to last Thursday for help.

I use a few of these techniques when trying to pinpoint stuff. I actually kept a daily journal for about 4 or so years in little collegiate notebooks and had a way to find the most minuscule things. Now I just have a blog.

That is all,

Newt

*My actual Thursday, outside of task stuff consisted of watching The Office and Community with Diana and being disappointed that my first Kickball game was rained out. Diana worked later than usual and got home around 7 and I made salad for the two of us.

P.S. I am starting the countdown on the last 100 days of this project. Only a little over 3 months left. Oh how time flies.

TBWCYL Day 265 - Itty Bitty Titty Committee

I was struggling with how to complete my task today but then I realized something else I have been meaning to do and now I can combine them into one post and hopefully do more good with it.

To start, my task for today was to 'Do something today that will help avoid hassle in the future'. Things like hiding a key in case you get locked out or learning Hungarian in case they invade and you are forced to switch languages. So here is what I am going to do:

Back in High School I formed an after school group for guys. Actually I was the only member but I am sure Thomas was at some of the meetings even though he didn't know it. I was the founding member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee and my charter was as follows.

"To uphold, if they will let me, boobs of any shape and size, be they Big or Itty Bitty."

I would look at boobies and admire, imagine and appreciate them as best I could. That is something I still hold to today though mostly they are Diana's and I admire them thoroughly. This brings me to my point, my wife's boobs are in danger!!!...and yours are too!!!

For 3 years now Diana and I have done the Annual Dallas Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Walk with her company. We go every year and trek with the other 100 billion people that seem to be there and have a great time. So now we are upping the ante on this and thus I am doing my task. We go every year but don't collect money; we just pay our dues and walk. Well, now I decided we would see what we can gather for this and thus help even more to eradicate breast cancer and hopefully knock out some of the hassle in the future. See what I did there?

To donate to our walk, we are so happily married we decided to do this as a joint gathering, click on my "Big Pink BOOBS".

BOOBS

Thanks,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 264 - Lets Get Personal

I did something bad. I was supposed to place a personal ad in the paper today for my task. The thing is, it didn't say the personal ad had to be about me. So instead I put one in the Midland Newspaper/Website for my dad's friend, Richard Love.

I have known Richard Love for years now. He is a rather interesting fellow and is rather impressive. He is over 40, about 5'6, blind in one eye with a glass prosthesis and I think probably has about 40% vision in the other. He is missing half of one foot, one of his hands is consistently curled, and he is a ladies man. I am not kidding about that. It is like one of those cars that you can't figure out why people buy it but they do and seem to enjoy it. Except the cars in this case would be attractive women.

I met Richard while I was in high school. If I am not mistaken, the first time I was introduced to Richard he handed me a business card that said Richard Love, OEMF. That stands for One Eyed Mother Fucker by the way. He had business cards. With that on them. Seriously.

I love Richard, but what I love more is how my dad, and through him myself, jack with Richard. We have done a lot of crap to jack with him, be it drawing penis' on his head while he is asleep or filming an entire movie in which we pretended to move me to Lubbock and instead ended up in Dallas at Texas Motor Speedway. Richard got a free ticket and was rubbing it in my dad's face and it seemed only fitting to get back at him by getting better seats and there was even a free ticket for me since Richard was already going. We played it at the bar they all went to and embarrased him in front of everyone.

We also annually call him on National Talk Like a Pirate Day and assault his phone with different pirate related messages. He doesn't appreciate it but he wears an eye patch and it is just too easy. I still haven't gotten my obligatory follow up call from Saturday in which I yelled at him about how Tech and Pirates go so well together.

I guess I am my father's son as today when I read what I had to do, I instantly thought I could use this to jack with Richard. Below is the actual personal ad I placed in the newspaper and it will start in the next couple of days.

Middle Aged SWM seeking sexy SWF who is looking for a good time and no commitment. I like to have fun and want someone who doesn't take life too seriously. Call if you are interested.

I also put his phone number in. I almost made this a lot worse by saying he was seeking another man but thought I wouldn't want to hurt some gay guys feelings by giving him hope and having Richard bash them. I am giddy about this.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 263 - Disinfect my life

What a day yesterday. We successfully had the White Trash Bash on Saturday night and it was at least twice as trashy as last year. I will get a post up about it soon and we have pictures. The only problem with parties is the mess that is left behind afterward. The smell of stale beer on the garage floor, the stain on the stairs that I hope is beer, and the sticky counter surfaces from the mixture of food, liquor and what else I don't want to know.

I have said many times before that I sometimes think I was meant to find this book at this moment in my life as it coincides with me more than it possibly should. Yesterday was one of those times. Because my task was to 'Disinfect Everything' and I can't think of a time where my house needed it more.

Armed with a pack of Lysol Disinfecting wipes I started in the kitchen and went ape shit crazy disinfecting things. I started with washing the inordinate amount of shot glasses and did all the other dishes. Then I got my wipes going and hit the following. I bet you never even thought of some of these things as germy but when I am done blowing your mind, you will think twice about a lot of things. Below is the list of disinfected items now in my house.

1. Doorknobs
2. Kitchen Table and chairs
3. Every light switch in my house
4. Alarm Keypads
5. Keys
6. Refrigerator Door Handles
7. Washer and Dryer Handles
8. Dishwasher Handle and buttons
9. Mini Blind Strings and round dangly things you pull to make blinds open
10. Ceiling Fan Pull cord
11. Soap Pump (You pump soap with germy hands don't you?)
12. Remote Controls
13. Buttons on Stereo
14. Toilet Flusher, Seat, and rest of Toilet
15. Knobs to Dresser
16. Banister
17. Lamp knobs
18. Vacuum Handle

I also threw away old sponges and I meant to do the keyboard on the computer but forgot that one. My house is now clean again and I am exhausted from partying and then having to clean up.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 262 - Log On

Today I was directed to go to www.datatranscorp.org/html003.02. It was nothing. I don't know if it was something at some point but it isn't anything any longer. I was kind of disappointed. All of the tasks that involve the website for The Book haven't been active but this one was a different site and I thought I might get a real one.

Oh Well,

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 261 - Koozie Up

Today I was supposed to give someone an impractical gift. I wanted to give a man with no hands some gloves but I don't know anyone like that. I also don't feel comfortable giving any guys I know a tampon so I came up with something else.

Tomorrow is the Texas Tech v. University of Texas game. While this is a big enough game, last year Tech pulled a little upset and won the game, thus pissing off Longhorn fans everywhere. This was a great victory for Tech and let us to have one of the best seasons ever. So you might understand the importance of tomorrow's game.

We are also having the White Trash Bash tomorrow night and a lot of the people coming to the party are from either Tech or UT. We are hooking up a projector to watch the game and my UT coworker is coming over to watch it with us. So, this morning I went to the store and bought my coworker, Matt, an impractical gift.

I bought him something every UT fan can't live without: a Texas Tech bottle Koozie. It is a beautiful Red and Black and would be the perfect Koozie for any beer bottle. I presented it to him this morning and let him know I just wanted him to have a winning team's koozie.

So, pretty impractical and I got to trash talk as well. Isn't college football swell?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 260 - Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I embraced change yesterday for the sake of change sake. Wait, that may not make sense.

Since inquiring about that job, a couple of things have happened that I would say qualify as changes. First, the recruiting head forwarded my name on to the right person for the job. So, now the right people have my name. Those same people emailed me yesterday to say that they will be in touch and that in the meantime I should prep my resume. I haven't updated my resume in almost 4 years and last night it showed.

Embracing change was simple when you have to prepare a resume. It gave me the opportunity to look back at the 4 years I have been at my current company and see how much I have done and grown. As Diana and I were talking about things to add to the resume, she would ask, "What have you done to..." and I kept having to come up with new things. I do mix with clients all the time, I do act as the main contact on a million dollar account, and I do work independent of others and get my stuff done.

4 years is a long time. Looking back a lot of things have changed. 35lbs to start with. Diet and exercises come to mind. Spider-man was unmasked and then had the memories erased and Captain America was killed and is now being resurrected. That is some heavy stuff.

In closing I thought this was a funny quote about change.

He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery. ~Harold Wilson

That is all,

Newt

I come from the land down under...

Sing it with me now, "I got a present, I got a present". Did you draw out the 'esent' part? Good because it doesn't really work without it. As it was mentioned last week, I had a birthday. And my dear friend Bea (better known as The Girl with the Pink Tea Cup, or my twin) said she sent me a package which I have been waiting for with bated breath. Actually it was beer-ded breath but who's counting? Well, after stalking the post box like a hawk my diligence finally paid off because today it arrived.

I would direct you to go to her site but she has committed the most heinous act of turning it off and no longer posting and we are all to be duly disappointed for the foreseeable future.

First the card. This is an awesome card and for just a second I thought Bea might have drawn it herself.



I don't know how clear this is to read but it isn't for lack of an awesome handwriting job. Can I just say I wish I could write as clean and neat as this. It must be an Aussie thing.


One of the things Bea does is call me her 'froggy friend'. It melts my heart a little when she does it because it is both cute and familiar. I was happy to see that included in my birthday card.


So, after reading my amazingly awesome card, I lifted the bag that contained my present and was afraid it might have broken. Inside the heavy duty envelope that arrived was a smaller bag. The envelope was slightly heavy and when I went to pull the bag out things were shifting. I was afraid something had snapped off of whatever was in there but I was wrong. As I poured the contents onto the table, I began to chuckle and as more and more poured out I laughed harder and harder.



I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the amount of frog related paraphernalia on the table. The 12 little bags are all Cadbury chocolate frogs with different fillings. The red is Strawberry, which I already ate one of, and the green is mint, which I also tried. Also included were a plastic wind-up frog that does flips, a pen that has a frog with movable legs, and a key chain that both lights up and croaks. I proceeded to freak the dogs out and chase them around with the key chain.

I loved my present and couldn't have been happier. Thank you so much, Bea.

Newt

TBWCYL Day 259 - Book of Job

Yesterday's task was to make a move that would get me closer to the top at my job. I work in the Printing Industry, mainly working on website ordering systems and coordinating the print that is bought off of our sites. I also do some file prep as well and have been doing this job for about 2 of the 4 years I have worked at my company. We are a pretty big consolidation and have around 70 other companies in the USA. This affords me a slight advantage as we get emails of opportunities for new positions at other companies and yesterday I got an email.

Apparently there is a new position available that would still be Dallas based but would require a bit of travel. It is more on the IT side of things and with some training I am sure I could do it, so I contacted the people who posted the job and asked them for more information. To put into perspective how this is kind of big, I have been getting these emails for years and barely ever look at them or see anything that would make me want to leave. But this one does.

I haven't the slightest clue if I could get it but I figured I should try. It could radically change my life but I feel like that might not be a bad thing at the moment. Now I just have to wait; emails must be received and information processed to figure out if I want the job and if they want me. I now have that nervousness that comes with trying not to want something to stop yourself from being disappointed if you don't get it.

That is all,

Newt

Condom Sense

So, I have been married about 2 years now and one of the perks of being married, actually one of the main reasons to get married, is that you can trust in "The Pill" and not worry about pregnancy as much. I figure if one of my boys gets past the goalie then that is OK because we are married. So, for 2 years I have been lucky enough to go condom free when my wife gives in to my begging and pleading to have sex with me.

A few weeks ago however, Diana was put on an antibiotic, and for the male and female readers who don't know, if you go on antibiotics, ''The Pill" might not work. What does that mean for me? You guessed it, I am back on the rubbers.

I must say I don't care for the whole thing. Sure, my wife's skin is clearing up due to the medication and that is nice...for her. But now I am having to do something I haven't done in forever and to top it all off, now I have to buy the stupid things. Which brings me to my point.

I think I bought Black Guy condoms.

I went to the store after almost exhausting what was left of my condom stash, maybe 3 or 4 from P.C.(Pre Condom) days and as I stood in the prophylactic aisle at the local Tom Thumb I remembered the stupid feeling of buying condoms.

Diana said it best when, as I threw a box in the cart, she stated, "I hate buying these. It is embarrassing. It feels like when you buy them you are doing something wrong, even though your not. I feel like they look at you and go, "Why are they using these?""

Anyway, I was looking at the different options and didn't see the ones I usually got so I decided to try something else. I saw Trojan had a new condom out called Ecstasy and thought that sounded preferable to anything called "Mediocre". I noticed the box of 10 was bigger than a normal 12 pack but two and two didn't go together at that moment. When I got them home I realized I may have bought something that didn't fit.

Below is a picture of my traditional condom package on top of my new condom package. See a discrepancy? I don't know yet but I am going to guess that if I use one it will feel like parachute pants: snug in the middle but baggy as hell around the...well you know.

The package claims it feels like nothing is there but I have worn sweaters that are too big and just because there was extra fabric doesn't mean it floated on air. I may just use them as socks for when it is raining and buy a different box.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 258 - Money for Nothing

Today's task was to send another $18 (the purchase price of The Book) to the Benrik company and in return I would be supplying the workers of Benrik with beer money and food so they can survive. Also promised was the chance at my picture being posted in the next edition of This Book Will Change Your Life.

Well, since that printed 4 years ago and their employees have either died or moved on to bigger and better things, I don't feel it necessary to send them anything. Plus I got my copy at half price I would really only send them $9.

So, I guess I get the day off. I suppose I can write that post about condoms now.

*Updated: Erin suggested I go back to where I bought The Book and buy more things there as a way to spend money so that is just what I did. I got 2 new books, one a graphic novel and one a comic political science book, as well as buying Diana something. Task is now done right.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 257 - Newty Clause is Coming to Town

Today's task had to be postponed so instead I did one that I had to skip earlier. We are gearing up for the White Trash Bash of 09 and journeyed to our local thrift store to look for costumes. While there I was able to complete a task and I think certain people are going to be very happy about it.

You see, today my task was "Buy Christmas Presents for Everyone". I will say that I left a few people off the list. Mostly I just bought for my friends and left the family for a later shopping spree. So, who got gifts from the Thrift Shop?

Thomas, Jessica, Erin and my wife's friend Beth Anne. I won't say what I bought them but every one is special and I think they will be cherished greatly. And, I didn't spend more than $5 on anything. Bargain hunting is awesome. I can't wait to see their faces when they open their gifts on Christmas Day.

I will finish this off with a story. Diana use to roommate with a girl at Texas Tech who was a little eccentric. She had a boyfriend and one day was showing Diana a shirt she had bought him for Christmas. Diana asked where she got it and she said 'Goodwill'. I never did forget that and thought it was odd at the time. I guess now I don't.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 256 - Bad Situation Developing

Today's task involved going through my photos and burning all of the ones that are really bad. Since I don't actually print photos this involved running through our entire Picasa page and finding and deleting out the pictures that are really bad. Before I deleted them I thought I would share with you what I deemed 'deletable'.

This was taken recently at a friends wedding. I don't know the context but I can only assume I was explaining how my lips have the uncanny ability to take on the guise of an engorged anus and thought it necessary to show off the talent.

The below was taken after many, many, many games of beer pong whilst at a friends birthday bash. No, I didn't have the flu when this was taken but I can see why you might think that.

Below is a self photo I took from a downward angle during St. Patty's Day of 2006. I suppose if I ever loose my day job I can always get work as Jabba the Hutt on the Star Wars Convention Circuit.

While at a wedding in Mississippi we all had a couple of beers and were talking. I apparently caught a mild case of mental retardation and was looking for a fist bump from someone.

This lovely shot was taken at a live art show that was held in Dallas for the annual Free Comic Book Day that happens in May. This was from 2008 and I have no idea why I look like I have just finished crying.

This gem was on a school bus that we rented to drive us back and forth to Fort Worth. We were heading to Billy Bobs for a concert and had a lot to drink before and during the ride. Don't worry, the driver was hired out and didn't drink.




Diana insisted we ride the Ferris Wheel at the Texas State Fair in 2006. I clearly didn't want my picture taken as I put on my uninterested face.

I have a bad habit of taking crappy pictures. Now there is less evidence of it.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 255 - Hey God.

Today I was to test the existence of God, aka Yahweh, by saying aloud some of the questions that The Book has claimed are ripe for getting God to appear and thus prove his existence. The suggestion in The Book was to do this on a mountain or hill as that seemed to be the place that most people saw God in the Bible. I instead chose to ask mine in a church.

We had a wedding to go to last night and while we were sitting in the chapel I just looked up to the rafters and asked "Are you there God?". I never got an answer but asked a second time just to be safe.

When that wasn't doing it for me I chose a different tactic. It was raining outside and has been for the past day or so. The Book suggested a taunting question to try and incur Gods wrath so I just looked up and said, "Bet you can't hit me with lightning". Diana didn't appreciate me saying this but I said it again for good measure. I was slightly afraid lightning would strike, thus ruining the wedding. I admit I would have been pretty embarrassed had that happened.

I didn't ever see God yesterday and was pretty disappointed. I was really hoping He would appear and thus end all the questions I had of his existence.

Some of the other things to attract God that I didn't get to use were

• "God, I have some important data about the Devil's latest plans. Come down and I will show you"
• "Show me a miracle God and I will sacrifice any animal you care to mention"
• "Hey God, I'm angel Bob. I've lost my wings somewhere over there. Help me out"

I particularly like the one with the Devil.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 254 - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was fun for a task. I got to create my own punctuation mark. I though long and hard about what I wanted to make and it came to me.

This is a Sexclamation Point.

Have you ever been typing and thought, dang it all but when I talk about sex a regular old exclamation point just get the point across as well as I would like it to? That's what this is for. So when you are writing something dirty, say "I love to Fuck" well, you just throw one of these bad boys on the back end and I think anyone will get the point.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 253 - Damn you Aunt Roberta

I almost died today. The task was to mix the Worlds Strongest Cocktail, called an Aunt Roberta, and sample it. Diana was game for this one.

2 shots Absinthe
1 shot Brandy
3 shots Vodka
1 1/2 shots Gin
1 shot Creme de Mure

We had Vodka and Gin in the house so we set out to find the other three items and get our drink on. We hit our first liquor store, Goody Goody, and went in search of all three. Turns out none of these are sold in those little souvenir bottles so I was faced with the decision of buying big bottles, close to $100 in liquor, going somewhere else, or giving up. We found a cheep bottle of brandy and asked about Creme de Mure and the lady working looked at us funny and asked what that is. Diana Googled it and learned it was Blackberry flavored liqueur. But we were in luck. We found a Blackberry flavored brandy and killed two birds with one cheap bottle of liquor.

The only Absinthe they had ranged from $40 to $60 and I already knew I didn't like it so I didn't want a huge bottle of something I knew I couldn't drink so we bought what we had and went in search of a tiny bottle of Absinthe.

We hit the liquor store next door that was closing down and thought we might find a steal but were without luck. Next we drove a couple of blocks to Majestic liquor but found the same conundrum. However, knowing that Absinthe tastes like liquorice I called an audible and decided to buy Jagermeister instead. I even got a cool shot glass with the bottle.

Now, with liquor in hand we came home to figure out our drink. Using my new shot glass I got out the mixing glass and followed the recipe.



2 shots Absinthe(Jager) Check My stomach smelled the liquorice and started to turn
1 shot Brandy and 1 shot Creme de Mure(2 shots of the Blackberry Brandy) I started to get queasy at the thought of drinking this
3 shots Vodka My God this smells strong
1 1/2 shots Gin I don't think I can do this.


Once our drinks were mixed I started to feel a bit of hesitation. I could feel my stomach turning from the idea of that much alcohol and the smell of licorice was making me nauseous.


I braced myself, held my breath and put the glass to my lips. I took a small swig onto my tongue and once it made its way toward the back of my throat my gag reflex kicked in and I had to turn and eject it all back into the sink. I jerked the faucet on and let the water run over my tongue and back out. The taste was incredibly offensive.

Diana was able to both take a sip and swallow so she is apparently not as big a pussy as I am. I felt awful afterward and can't imagine why anyone would ever drink an Aunt Roberta unless they wanted to commit suicide.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 252 - Nekkid

I had a simple task yesterday: "Imagine everyone naked". It went pretty well, except for when a fatty walked in the door. I felt kind of awkward when, at a happy hour last night, one of my nearest and dearest friends asked me my task. As I imagined her in a pair of black panties and a cream colored bra I just told her that I couldn't talk about it. I was respectful not to undress her totally but I still don't know how appreciative she would have been of my sacrafice.

To really test my imagination I went to lunch with some friends yesterday but didn't eat. Instead, I sat sizing up everyone. There was the fat guy who I can only imagine has started to have penal retraction from the amount of blubber he was holding near his junk.

There was the 50ish lady who had big boobies but I think may have had irregularly placed nipples. Still kind of hot though.

A college girl walked in that weighed around 90 lbs and had no curves on her but was cute. I imagined a set of skin colored boards stacked on top of each other.

The happy hour we went to was at the Flying Saucer, which if you aren't familiar is kind enough to make all of their 20 something waitresses wear plaid skirts and tank tops. I go for the beer but stay for the atmosphere. I almost didn't have to imagine them naked but did anyway just for fun. Our waitress was a cute little blonde with B cup breasts and an ass that I believe I summed up perfectly as saying "I like her butt". I have a thing for a plaid skirt, honestly what man doesn't, so these girls are always pleasant to look at.

I wouldn't mind a few more tasks like this.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 251 - Handgela and Palmela

I was supposed to read my own palm today. The Book had a chart so I took a picture of said palm, this is Palmela by the way, and color coded it.

The Pink line is my Heart Line. I guess I would consider this a deep enough line which is probably why I am so girly sometimes. It stands for emotional depth so I now know why I love 'Notting Hill' so much.

The Blue line is the Life Line. It signifies quality of life. It said if you it is thin I should see the doctor more. It isn't though so I don't. Or maybe I don't because I am a man. I can't ever tell.

My Love Line is the Green line and goes almost all the way down to my wrist. I am going to just take that as a good sign.

The Yellow line is harder to see but is my Fate Line. Apparently my wife will kill me though because The Book says if it is shorter than my love line my lover will kill me. Maybe I can carve it to be longer.

The Orange Line is my Travel Line. My propensity for traveling is supposed to be tied to it. Not sure how accurate this is because, though I love to travel, I doubt I would go very many places without my wife to do the planning.

Finally, the Black area is my Mount of Venus, I think. My hand doesn't resemble the one in the book because my Travel and Love lines get so close together. I guessed about the area. None the less, it is supposed to signify sex drive. In fact, I probably don't have the entire area covered because that little spot is nowhere near the drive I have. Maybe I should have highlighted the whole palm...

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 250 - Joking Around

I am a notoriously bad joke teller. Most people who know me will attest to this. I usually laugh harder at the joke then anyone I tell it to, I spend way to long trying to get it out, and if I don't remember it correctly I struggle with it to where it looses the gusto. I drive my wife crazy with this.

So when yesterday's task came up, I followed it to the letter. It gave step by step instructions on how to tell a joke properly and included a G rate joke for me to tell. Following the 5 step process I thought I was sure to get my wife laughing by doing this correctly. Things didn't go as planned.

Here is the joke first.
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Don't be silly, elephants can't change lightbulbs!

Using these steps I was supposed to get a laugh out of someone.
1. Make sure you have a lighthearted atmosphere before telling this joke.
2. Warm up the audience by saying something like "You want to hear a good one?"
3. Emphasize the words 'elephants' and 'lightbulb' so the listener knows what to focus on in the joke.
4. Make sure to pause a few seconds between the joke and the punchline to give the listener time to think about the joke.
5. Deliver the punchline with speed and precision. Throw in a slight chuckle at the end to show the ridiculousness of the idea.

It also threw in the warning of "do not laugh at your jokes or add "geddit, geddit?" at the end. I am so guilty of this it isn't funny.

As Diana and I were driving in the car yesterday, it seemed the atmosphere was right. I probably shouldn't have prepped her that I was doing a task but I don't think it would have helped. I started by saying

N: "You want to hear a good one?"
D: "Sure"
N: "How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" 5 second pause
D: "I don't know"
N: "Don't be silly, elephants can't change lightbulbs! Heh"
D:"...That wasn't funny."

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 249 - It's the End of the World as we know it...

The scenario for yesterday's task was this: The world is about to end. Only Book readers have been made aware and thus, you can now live the last day of your life. Don't tell others as it will cause panic.

Now, this is some heavy knowledge, and as I am writing this today (like I was going to waste my last day writing a blog) it appears The Book was wrong. None the less, I think if I had died yesterday it wouldn't have been the worst day to have died on. In fact, it would have been highly ironic. For you see, yesterday was my 27Th Birthday.

Turning 27 was no large feat. I don't even think I will remember that it happened with any real clarity. I both love and hate birthdays because it is a small celebration of another year and it can also remind you that you are closer to dying. So, how did I spend my last day on Earth?

I woke up at 6 a.m. and attempted to regain my slumber but was unsuccessful. I spent time with my wife and parents and my mother cooked breakfast that reminded me of all the past scrambled eggs, bacon, and biscuits that for some reason I can never recreate at home.

I joined my wife and a friend to take in "The Time Traveller's Wife" at the local theatre here. Say what you will but I love romantic "chick flicks" and when you add the combination of time travel and Rachel McAdam's it doesn't hurt.

After the film, we headed back home for what can only be described as a Wonder Frog lunch in the grandest fashion. Mix my mother, a pot of black eyed peas, a honey glazed ham and cornbread and you have a meal that will leave you swollen of the belly and the heart. My mother doesn't cook much but she will for me and I love her for it. The piece de resistance was my favorite cake in the world, Pineapple Upside down Cake. She uses the shredded pineapple instead of the circles and it caramelizes into something akin to nirvana.

I also snuck in some time for reading and finished "A Wolf at the Table". If I was going to die I wasn't leaving a book unfinished.

After dinner, my wife joined a group of friends and family and hit a local dive bar to see a performance by Darius Rucker aka Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish. My home town is small enough that this isn't a normal stop for larger name performances but it was a hell of a show and since it coincided with my birthday visit, I thought it would be a fun thing to do.

We got home just before midnight and my wife and I held each other waiting for the end. When it didn't happen and midnight struck we were so relieved I even got a little birthday lovin'.

I don't think 10 or even 5 years ago that if you asked me what I would do if I knew I would die tomorrow that this would be what I would have said. I guess age and priorities really do adjust you. I think the only thing I didn't do was read a comic book. That would have been icing on the cake.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Update - Day 237 Telegram

Remember the telegram I sent? Well, The Girl with The Pink Tea Cup received it and was kind enough to blog about it. Check it out.



Newt

TBWCYL Day 248 - Twinity

So, today's task is simple. Twin yourself with a foreigner. And since through these exploits I keep doing for my daily tasks I have met a few foreigners, I enlisted one of them for some help.

My dear friend The Girl with the Pink Tea Cup agreed to be my twin. I think this is a good fit for a couple of reasons. She too is as horny as a pack of rhinos and we think alike. She also lives in Australia which is something I have longed to do, so she is my twin. We are supposed to visit each other once a year and she is planning a trip to the states at some point next year so this might even happen.

This reporter went to the mouth of the twin-ning for a comment.

"I am delighted and honoured to be considered Trinity's foreign twin, although I have to say that it shows considerably poor judgement on his part. Then again, that is probably why we should be twins. As long as it doesn't involve dressing up in matching Tweedledee and Tweedledum costumes, I'll happily hop on over the pond to hang out at his and Diana's lily pad each year.

I now reserve the right to refer to him as 'Twinity'."

So, there you have it. I guess I have a twin sister I never knew about and she is living my dream life.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 247 - Caving In

Yesteday I was tasked with "Doing what Society Tells Me" and I tried my best. I obeyed speed limits and school zones, I was prepared to add "fries with that" had I been asked and I did want cash back when I went to the store.

The funny thing is, once I started looking for the directions of society, I couldn't find them. I expected to see signs stating "You must buy this" or "Try NOW!!!" but hard as I looked it just wasn't there. I am back home in Midland for the weekend and maybe that has something to do with it. Small towns are a different breed. I realized I was in a small town when, while driving with my dad to breakfast, the local radio host started reading the school lunch menu for the
surrounding areas. How quaint is that?

So, I guess society didn't really need me to do too many things but be a law abiding citizen. Not to bad a way to spend the day.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 246 – Choppy Eater

I will start this by saying I am not Oriental. So when I read that today I had to eat everything with Chopsticks, I felt I might not have the training needed to eat all meals with two tiny pieces of bamboo. But, I wasn’t daunted that greatly.

You see last week during “No Electricity” day, one of the people in the book I was reading ate peanuts with chopsticks to keep his fingers clean while he did crossword puzzles. Well, I liked the idea so much that I actually did it with Cheetos while I was reading and later did it with the mixed nuts. I was going in with some mileage under my belt.

As I sat huddled over my bowl of Life Cereal this morning, picking each soggy square up and bringing it to my mouth, silently praying I not drop it and make some mess that would cause me to change clothes; I realized I might just be able to do this.

I was just as successful with the almonds I had brought to work for a snack. They are much easier to grapple with because of their hard consistency. I was snapping them up like a pro and tossing them from the end of the sticks into my mouth with ease. I ate a string cheese stick as well by just holding the entire piece and nibbling it.

Lunch consisted of a roast beef sandwich and some Cheetos. Picking up an entire sandwich seemed unlikely so I went for the more logical route and had cut my sandwich into squares. By doing this I felt almost as if I were eating a spring roll or something because with a little effort I was taking whole pieces into my mouth. I even challenged myself with a pack of Peanut M&M’s for dessert and barely dropped any.

My final act of Chop-stickery involved eating an entire plate of bean and beef fajita nachos. We drove to Midland tonight and stopped to grab dinner. Diana was embarrassed to be seen with me eating using chop sticks so she forced me to find a seat that would hide us. I ordered nachos to try and make the eating as easy as possible and did well enough not to drop anything on myself. I left the chop sticks on my plate when we left so I am sure Rosarita will be curious as to why they are sitting on the plate at a Mexican restaurant.

I kind of liked using chop sticks all day. They made me concentrate during my meal and I may just have enjoyed my food a little bit more.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 245 - Vocab Lesson

So, I got to yesterday's task and had flashbacks of grade school because yesterday was vocabulary day. There were 26 words, one for each letter, and I was to try to expand my vocabulary. After a night of sleep, here is what I remember

Zoophyte - An animal that resembles a plant

Nugatory - being useless, of no real value

Yoni - tantric in the vagina

Galumphed - to move heavily or clumsily

Walleyed - having an abnormal amount of white space showing on your eyeball

I can't think of any others but I would guess if I heard a couple of the other words in there I would be able to give you a definition. So, I got a little knowledge yesterday.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 244 - Caloric Intake

Well, I failed for the second time at a task. This one was to increase your lifespan by eating 1000 calories or less throughout the day. Something about it is supposed to make you live longer. I started out strong and made it through the day with the understanding that I would accomplish this. I ate a healthy enough breakfast and lunch and had plans for a pork chop and green beans that, when all totals came in, would have put me right at 1040 calories.

Then tragedy struck. I was grilling the pork chops and while doing a taste test I thought, "These taste funny". I called Diana out to the grill and as she tested them I could tell on her face she thought so too. I am not a big fan of the idea to eat meat that tastes funny so we threw them away. However, I didn't know I needed low calorie food and we had already made green beans so our only real option for dinner was a frozen pizza. I might has well have ate lard wrapped in bacon smothered in lard because by the time I was done I had added about 600 calories in my belly and lost all hope that I was under 1000 calories for the day.

I guess in an alternate reality, other me did eat that pork chop but I sure didn't. I can't believe I was defeated by food.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 243 - Minute by Minute

So, yesterday's task was to plan out my day using the handy grid The Book was kind enough to provide. Planning out my day can be rather difficult sometimes so I planned as much as I could and throughout the day I would add in things to do as I found them to come up.



Can't read my handwriting? Well, that isn't surprising. So, I will give you some highlights.

08.00 Search web and email
08.10-09.10 various tasks involving excel
10.40 write up blog
11.30-12.30 lunch
13.30 play online
14.50 poop
15.40 leave for dentist
16.00-16.40 dental cleaning
17.20 mow yard

My day is pretty mundane and most of the stuff on here is so work related it would be useless to try to explain it. So, that is a day in my life.

That is all,

Newt