Today's task was pretty simple. I was to go on a walk. Quite a long one actually and thus I had to prepare. Today was quite rainy so I loaded up my satchel bag with The Book, a box of Sweetarts, an umbrella, and my camera. Here is what I did.
Follow these instructions.
Walk straight for 15 minutes
I set the timer on my phone and off I went through my neighborhood with my ear buds in walking down the street. Here is where I stopped.
Take the first Left
Easy. I will just swing a left on the street.
Turn Left again
No problem. I will just walk down the street and turn at the end of the block.
Walk straight for 25 minutes
No big deal. Timer is set and...oh shit. I have hit a row of houses and the only choice I have is to veer left. Oh well, off I go. Now I am walking straight.
Cross the nearest footpath or bridge
Shit! I just ran into the highway. There is no footpath or bridge. I guess this parking lot entrance will have to do.
Turn Right
OK. I am now parallel with the highway and walking dangerously close to traffic.
Cross the Road
Well, I can't do that because the traffic is moving 70+ mph and I don't want to get killed. I will just cross the parking lot.
Walk straight for 30 minutes
More walking? This is getting tiresome. I am starting to get sweaty and these cars feel dangerously close to me. Oh good. A sidewalk. Look how happy I am now.
I will just walk up this storm drain to stay out of traffic.
Board the nearest bus stop and get off after 3 stops
Oh wow! There is a bus stop. Lucky day. Waits a few minutes. I wonder when it comes? Call Diana and ask her to look up. Turns out that there are only commuter buses to Dallas from our town and there is no bus system.
Walk straight for 6 minutes
That is simple. OH, look. A McDonald's. I am stopping in for a drink.
Stop and stretch.
That feels good.
Get a Taxi Home
What? Ah crap. Calls wife to come pick him up. "I will be at the bookstore."
That is all,
Newt
8 Ripples in the pond:
Newt, there's nothing more to say except: you're truly hilarious when you walk.
This is fast becoming one of my favourite blogs ever. This, and the blogs of the other discerning folk who frequent your lily pad home. But don't tell anyone I said that...
I will keep it a secret. Oh wait. People read these. You may have let the cat out of the tea cup.
It’s all right. I am a gentleman: I don’t read other people’s comments.
I suspect that the only way you could walk in a straight line for fifteen minutes anywhere in Britain would be by taking one pace every 10–20 seconds.
HA! Luckily, I'm more of a dog person.
I read that. Ha.
Hahaha. That sounds about like how I'd have reacted if the directions weren't convenient. ;) Very nice.
Frankly, I'm just glad you're still alive.
Ps: What are sweetarts?
I am also glad I am alive. I only had to pull out the umbrella once and though my butt cheeks stayed clenched together for the majority of the highway, I was able to survive.
Sweetarts are a candy that is both sweet and tart. They are a Wonka product and are addictive and delicious.
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