TBWCYL Day 302 - U.F.Oh my goodness

I think I saw a spaceship last night. I actually saw three of them. They flew over my house, quite high up in the air. They were spaced out within a couple of minutes of each other so I can only assume that they were canvasing the area to try and come abduct someone.

I have a theory that aliens love Halloween because they can walk around and no one looks at them funny. They get compliments on how 'wicked' their costumes are and then people give them candy or drinks depending on what function they are attending. Think about that next time you see an alien at a party. They may not be who you think they are.

So, I took the checklist The Book gave me outside and lucked into finding the invaders. They had visible lights on their ship, it made a "chroooshhh" noise as they flew through the air, and they were travelling at high speeds. There weren't any laser beams, light jumps, or cow moos but I was still pretty sure about it. So sure in fact that I took this picture.

I was supposed to go to some website and report my sighting but since that site is now some user domain sales site I could't make the report. I have to give it to the aliens, flying around only a couple of miles from an airport is very crafty.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 301 - Shake, shake, shake...

I got to get fat last night from my task. I was supposed to come up with my own milkshake recipe and thus make millions from the idea. I hit the grocery store last night and picked up some ice cream and brought it home for some experimentin'.

I started with a concoction of Vanilla Bean Ice Cream, Reese's Pieces, and marshmallow fluff. I threw it in the blender and went to town. While drinking it I realized what an awful idea it was. The fluff hardened into a giant chewy ball and the Pieces of Reese's went straight to the bottom of the glass. It didn't taste all that spectacular either.

I tried again with just the Reese's and they got ground up enough to add the flavor but it still wasn't very fulfilling of an endeavor.

Back to the drawing board,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 300 - Hello

HELLO*

That is all,

Newt

*my task was to tell everyone I saw hello today. I did this as much as possible and made people in the store uncomfortable by making eye contact and saying Hi to them.

TBWCYL Day 299 - Bookie Problems

It was a simple task today. The list of the top 100 masterpieces of American Literature were printed in the book and I was to go through and count how many I had read and figure out how long it would take me to read the ones I was missing. Below is my list.

Books with * are ones I have read. I am counting Pride and Prejudice and Zombies for the P&P copy.
Books with - are books I actually want to read.
Books highlighted are books I already own but haven't read yet.

This list doesn't appeal to me very much. Most of these books may be considered classics but that doesn't mean I am going to read them.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 298 - Adopting an Identity

I have never been that kid that wonders if he is adopted. This is in part because I resemble my father and mother in enough ways that it would be just downright impossible for them to have adopted me. Also, I have seen pictures of my mother pregnant with me and I don't think they would have had the forethought to have forged those pictures for my well being.

So when yesterday's task came about it became null and void. I was to call the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse at (301) 231-6512 if I have ever felt "different from your parents or your siblings". I definitely feel different than my sister but she and I only share a mother which is why things are opposite for us. She rebelled and I didn't, she has dark skin and I don't, and she has a last name different than mine.

So, I didn't call because I haven't ever felt different from my parents, though feeling different along with my parents would be another story. And honestly if I was adopted, I wouldn't want to know. I have a cousin who is adopted and the problems he had with his identity were massive and destructive because he couldn't reconcile the idea that someone didn't want him and constantly sought them out. If I were adopted I would just want to let it be. People who adopt are usually loving and want a child and I don't know why I would ever want to go back and find out the past when two people unselfishly took me into their home and loved me.

That is all,

Newt

Return of the Spellin' Felon

It has been almost 2 years since I last saw signs of him, but the Spellin' Felon has returned and I found him across town.

He was last spotted in Lewisville, TX making signage problems that can be seen here and here, but as I was driving back from the Jim Gaffigan show on Friday, I saw he has moved up to a new grade and a new town about 40 miles SE of Lewisville.

I guess even though his spelling leaves something to be desired, he was able go graduate up in grade to make it to Junior High after his stint at Marshall Durham Middle School.

I don't know what is worse, that they spelled council with two Qs or that they didn't at least put the Us after it so they rule of U following Q was at least followed.

I guess I will have to keep a keen eye out for more of this hoodlum's escapades.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 297 - Tassled

I was supposed to go to thiswebsitewillchangeyourlife.com and go print off a degree from Harvard (Illinois) but alas they still don't have stuff on their site for my old book so I had nothing to do today.

I do have a diploma for The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning in my room so I have a diploma from a book in a sense. If I ever get a chance to meet Patrick Stewart I am going to get him to sign it so the Headmaster actually confirms my graduation.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 296 - Marrying kind

Yesterday I was to propose to a complete stranger. I think I did pretty good. I actually made two proposals. One anonymously and one verbally.

Last night I went to see the stand up comic, Jim Gaffigan, at the Majestic Theatre in downtown Dallas. I went with a couple of friends and we went to dinner first where I put down a few beers and a pretty decent chicken pot pie. After we stopped for coffee at the Murray Street Coffee House and I went to the bathroom where I got the chance to make my first proposal.

You see, the bathroom was covered in magic marker and on the back of the toilet was an entire bag filled with them. I guess you are supposed to write on the tile and the walls because everyone had. I reached in the bag and on the bathroom mirror wrote, "Will You Marry Me? If so please call XXX-XXX-XXXX." and put my actual phone number. No one called last night but who knows.

Next we hit the Majestic and I got to my seat which ended up being about 7 rows back from the stage. As Jim Gaffigan came out I cupped my hands to my mouth and yelled, "Marry me Jim" to which he replied, "Thanks for coming out ladies and gentleman". He hadn't heard me. Jilted lover syndrome was onset but I waited til the end of the show and tried again.

He was walking off stage and I yelled again, "Marry Me Jim". He said nothing but came back out seconds later. My heart leaped from my chest. Was he going to accept my proposal? Would we be together? No, he just returned for a quick encore and I sucked up my broken heart.

Woe is me,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 295 - What the Heck

I am a bibliophile, which is like a pedophile but with more paper cuts. So when I read that I was going to have to deface a book for yesterday's task, I wasn't pleased. You see, I was tasked with removing a word from a book. For example I would need to take the word 'Spot' from See Spot Run and cross out all references of it from the book.

The idea of ruining a book is pretty disturbing to me. I am anal retentive when it comes to my books and if you were to check the Wonder Frog library you might not be able to tell what books have been read because I am a stickler for keeping the spines uncreased, the pages un-dog-eared and the book jackets in pristine condition. Luckily, I bought a copy of Hellboy: Seeds of Destruction a while back that had a defect in the gluing and the pages have started to separate and come out of the book. So, I saved it for this task.

Putting on my Southern Baptist persona I went about "Exorcising the demons!" so to speak. Since the main focus of the character is that he is named Hellboy, I decided that it just wasn't Christian to walk around with Hell in your name so I went through the entire book and changed his name to Heckboy. "We are cleansed".



That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 294 - Argument Club

Let's think of some bad ass fighters shall we?

Hmmm....Jean Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Newt the Wonder Frog? Wait, that last one doesn't sound right.

You see, yesterday I was supposed to get in a fight for my task. I actually have only ever been in one fight and that was in the sixth grade when this kid jumped on my back while on the bus and that is all that happened but somehow I ended up with in school suspension for a week. It was over the short seat in the back of the bus and the kid was black so I still laugh at the irony of that. What would Rosa Parks say?

A coworker of mine accompanied me to San Marcos for a recruiting event at Texas State yesterday and afterwards we canceled our hotel room and decided we were driving back to Austin to go out and at some point get in a fight. I was pumped.

It rained all day yesterday and as we walked around 6th Street the mood was very calm...almost to calm. We were told of a few bars from a friend and went to one where a band was supposed to play. Due to the rain it had been canceled and that meant there wasn't anyone there. We hoofed it around to other bars but everyone kept telling us with the rain and that band cancelling it just wasn't a good night on 6th Street.

We finally found a cheap bar that was kind of douchey but hopeful. We found seats at the bar, where we were served by my co-workers future ex-wife, Nicole. She was flippin' hot and knew how to work her sex appeal. I started eyeing potential fight buddies but unless I got up and just forced it, there was not an opportunity to be had.

We got out of the bar around midnight and as we were walking I started getting mad and pushing on my friend. He was drunk so he didn't care and just lit a cigarette. We stopped to chat with a doorman and that was when I had to just release my frustration on my coworker. It wasn't much but I ended up giving him a titty twister and he gave me a dirty look.

Why do all of my fights turn out so lame?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 293 - Shit!

Today my goal was to be shit on by a pigeon. I wore bright colors, spent as much time as I could outside, and did as much as I could to make my shoulders look seductive but no pigeon shit on me. Was I disappointed? Yes and no. I was hoping of all the days to get shit on, this would be the day to do it. Also, I didn't want shit on my shoulder so I was kind of happy for no shit.

Since I didn't get any poop on me I still want to leave you with a pigeon shit story.

While visiting NYC I was venturing out on my own while Diana was working. It was a Friday and I had just stepped out of Jim Hadley's Comic Book Universe and was talking to my father on my cell. Suddenly I looked over and a white pile of semen colored gel was sitting on the shoulder of my new jacket. I was pissed. There is still a small spot left from after I cleaned it off with some Duncan Donut napkins. This had been my first trip to NYC so I got an idea of what to expect.

So, there you have it.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 292 - Hey Bartender!

Today would have been a fun task if I could have gotten to New Orleans but my job stopped me from being there. You see, I was to take The Book to the closest bar that had been listed in The Book and demand a free drink. It seems that The Book deemed about 8 bars as hangouts and today I was supposed to go there to see if anyone else showed up.

I map quested it to see the distance and it is 542 miles from Molly's at the Market to my house. That is the closest hangout from my home in Dallas. I went to their website to check and make sure they had survived Hurricane Katrina and apparently not only did they survive it, they also stayed open after the devastation and even held their annual parade. How cool is that?

I will go to Molly's some day, maybe on vacation I can stop by. The atmosphere seems pretty cool and I have never been to New Orleans so I now have another reason to go.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 291 - How does Cookie Monster wipe his ass with these things?

Well, I hit the final task involving senses today by having to do the "Live without my sense of Touch". Since I have no access to mass amounts of Novocaine to numb my I was forced to use padding to stop myself from feeling things.


Now you may be thinking I am turning into Fozzie Bear, wokka wokka, but no, those are just regular work gloves. I bought padded gloves to stop any sensations from reaching my fingertips, wore a long sleeve shirt and jeans to protect my body, and kept socks and shoes on all day to cover my feet.

The sense of touch is, in my opinion, the second most important sense. However, I think the real reason to make me wear gloves all day was to stop me from having any fine motor skills. Wearing gloves stops you from doing a lot of things. Here are a few.

Pulling my wallet out of my pocket
I went to get donuts for breakfast and when I went to reach into my pocket, I couldn't get my giant puffy hand in. I had to remove my glove just to get my wallet out because my jeans were tight enough that my wallet was wedged in.

Holding a fork
Understandably, the gloves aren't something you wash like your hands and this meant I had to eat everything with a fork and knife. Coordinating this was a challenge in that my fingers were now twice as fat as usual and didn't have the gripping power they should. It took two hands to pick up the fork and get it situated before even attempting to eat a donut. I had to pull tongs out just to get the damn thing out of the box.

Picking up a quarter
We were cleaning our house yesterday when a arcade token fell on the floor. As my brother-in-law and Diana sat watching, I took my gloved hand and attempted to pick the coin up. My fingertips were flimsy and had no real gripping power and it took a good 20 seconds to finally use both index fingers to flip the coin into my hand with pride.

Holding a screw
We bought a Texas Tech flag and yesterday I journeyed to the store to buy a flagpole. When I got home I went to mount it to the house and realized I had to maneuver screws to accomplish this. It was slow going but I was able to pinch a screw between my gloved fingers and get it driven into the wall.

Using the Computer
Maybe you haven't considered it but a laptop mouse pad uses some sort of magic touch technology that only works with skin. I don't know how it works but I hate it. As I sat trying in vain to move the mouse with my gloved finger I became increasingly frustrated. Only skin would make it work and I had none so I had to give up and shut the computer. I also have the IPhone which also had the same issue. I was able to use the tip of my nose to get it running and check my email but a gloved man pecking at a phone doesn't work well.

There were a few things sensory related as well. I was trying to wash a dish and didn't realize that the water was running on my finger. I also couldn't feel most heat or cold so I could have picked up hot dishes with ease. The wind didn't get to me either. In all I got what I expected from the sensory part of the experiment. I couldn't feel and that was an experience in and of itself.

Luckily I didn't have to face my greatest glove fear: Wiping my butt.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 290 - Let me speak to your manager!

I half-assed my task yesterday because I am a giant pussy. I admit it, as ashamed as I am to. Maybe you will forgive me after I explain what it was I was supposed to do. My task was to "Dress up in a suit and tie, go to a nice restaurant and walk around introducing myself as the manager and tell people the food is on me."

I know how funny this sounds but I just don't have it in me. I can make a fool of myself but for some reason this task was just too much. I wanted to do it but couldn't bring myself to. I know I have failed you but I tried to do something in this vein to at least work on the task.

We go to the official Texas Tech watching party bar, Blackfinn, whenever we can for the games. Yesterday we got there very early to get a table as it was the much anticipated UT vs OU match-up here in Dallas. Well, I had planned on getting drunk and then doing as much of my task as I could by just going around and introducing myself to people but I wasn't feeling well enough to tie one on and still was apprehensive about the whole thing.

Where we were sitting was not ideal because they had the TV locked behind this sheet of plexiglass and, even though it was something that could be swung down, the waitress claimed it wasn't possible. I complained to someone else and got the same answer and we decided to call it a day and just watch the games from home. As soon as we signed our tabs, the manager came out and unlocked the screen and dropped the plexiglass. To say I was perturbed would be an understatement.

We decided to tough it out and reopen our tabs now that the TV was visible. Due to a scheduling conflict the UT vs. OU game ran over 30 minutes into the Texas Tech game and I was having none of it. I was pissed about the TV screen issue and now I was going to miss 30 minutes of the game I came to watch. Thus began my manager tone that I began to take with the staff. I never claimed to be the manager but I was a bossy son of a bitch none the less.

After some arguing the staff turned a TV to ESPN2 so we could keep up with the game until the UT/OU debacle was finished. Then, well into the Tech game some random Georgia Tech people showed up and our TV got switched to their game. I got in a "discussion" with the GT fan and told her this was the official Tech watching party to which she informed me it was the Georgia Tech watching site as well. I immediately got up and went to the first employee I could find and told her I would lead a mutiny in the bar if my TV didn't get swapped back. It did and things progressed calmly for the rest of the game.

I know this doesn't make up for failing to do my task right but I bossed the crap out of that waitress yesterday and made my presence known. I can only hope you will forgive me.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 289 - The World is Ending Again

Well, the world was supposed to end again today, this time a prediction of Bud Kramer of the Church of the Holy Rapture. This dude claimed the world would end at 1/2 a second to midnight, central Israeli time (7 p.m. GMT). Since that didn't happen I sent the guy an email asking for some compensation for my trauma as I have stressed about it all day(not really but that is what I told him). Here is my email to him, they supplied the address.

Dear Sir,

I am currently working on "This Book Will Change Your Life" and got to day 289 and discovered the world will end today. As this was an old book I assumed this wasn't true but still felt very on edge all day. Since I am still alive your prediction appears to be wrong and I am thus going to request a couple of dollars for my trauma. Please let me know if that will work for you.

Thanks,

Newt the Wonder Frog

We will see what he comes back with.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 288 - Family Matters

There was some funny story in The Book yesterday about how some dude went to visit his mom's third cousin and before she died she left him umpteen million dollars. The point of the story was my task which was to contact a long lost relative and try to recreate this guys success by sneaking into this person's will. I don't have any long lost relatives unless they are lost in which case I couldn't find them easily anyway.

So instead I did something I should do more of, I called my grandparents. If surprise was what The Book was going for, I achieved it. My Grandma even said so. "Trint, this is a surprise" to which I responded that yes, it was a surprise because I am a surprising guy and also threw in I should call them more often, which is true.

A little background on my grandparents. I used to have 2 sets but age took out one set. My Granny Nan and Grandpa Pete were on my father's side of the family. I had a unique connection with my Granny and I would say she was the person I loved most for a lot of my life. By the time I had come around, all of my cousins were older and didn't spend time at their house so I had the run of the place and it was only blocks away from my childhood home. I would spend hours and days after school at her house and sleep over on the weekends.

My mom's parents, Grandma Janine and Grandpa Kay, were the set I had to share. Between myself, my 9 cousins and my sister, they had more kids than they knew what to do with so I never grew as close to them as I could have. Even now I put off going to see them when I know I should. I love them and enjoy seeing them but it isn't as much of a priority to me as it should be.

So, I called yesterday and they were happy and surprised to hear from me. As I have gotten older it seems I can actually have conversations with them when before I seemed to just listen when they talked. It was nice to check in with them since I hadn't since September. Plus when I was around 10 I found a coffee can with a bunch of cash hidden in their bathroom cabinet and that is money I want to get my hands on.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 287 - Funny Ha Ha!

Yesterday was an easy, and funny task. I had to find a joke I liked and tell it to people and gauge by their reaction if I tell jokes well enough to become a stand up comic. I told the below joke to 5 people of different sexes, ages and ethnicity to get a good sampling.

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “

Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you. The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surprise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

I liked this joke so I told it and got some decent laughs. Some thought the joke was "wrong", my father laughed loudly and then claimed it wasn't funny, and my wife giggled but thought it was gross.

I don't think it was good enough to get me into a career and since I didn't come up with it to begin with, I may not have the writing chops to really do well with this so I am going to have to stick with being random and making people laugh that way.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 286 - Thoughts on Sex, Candy, and Webster

I have really embraced today's task. It is Sexual Fantasy Day and the task was to write down all my thoughts and any that are about sex I was to put in all CAPS. Since men are supposed to think about sex every six seconds the idea is to find out what I think about and if I am an average red blooded male. I started this at 9:00 am and ended it at 5. All thoughts are separated with a comma and are in order from first to last. Enjoy looking into my brain.

It is hard to write down thoughts, read name ‘porras’ as poor ass and laughed, I think I’m thinking dirty things because I’m supposed to, I should ask IT guy about my computer, my arms hurt, my best friend should move to Dallas, no blog comments :{, I want a cookie, that was a good cookie, LADY WITH BIG BOOBS, I miss that TV show ‘Webster’, God I’m fat, Tristan Prettyman is hot, I don’t like coordinating jobs, Lionel Richie’s voice is so soothing, why did that guy just talk to me?, what was I doing?, PORN, I had better save this list or I will be screwed if I loose it, Yay, Erin left a comment, when is Thanksgiving?, what to do now?, I think I need to poo, NUDE GIRL GETTING SOME, should I go get a tea at lunch?, hey, Pink Teacup guest posted, I am hungry, I am tired, I am hungry, I am repeating myself, I wish my Controller wouldn’t be so annoying, I love Salami, I need a milkshake, I just read this list so far and it is ridiculous, I wish I lived in Middle Earth, dang it is cold outside, I HAVE A BONER, I love milkshakes, THAT OLD LADY IN THE SWEATPANTS IS IN GOOD SHAPE FOR HER AGE, I don’t want to go back to work, I need to pee, I SAW A PICTURE OF A HOT REDHEAD, I learned something new, ha ha that isn’t a pleasant call, I wonder if I have any email, nope, karate chop, Lola Lakely made a comment on my blog about her body and it made me think DIRTY THOUGHTS even though it wasn’t meant to, I SENT MY WIFE A DIRTY TEXT but she won’t respond, that was embarrassing, I just walked around the corner while making funny faces and got caught, I want to hit that saleslady in the face, I am excited and exhausted, stab stab stab, avoid the dumbass, I wish I could take tomorrow off, I FEEL A TINGLING IN MY CROTCH, I hate when my email shuts down for no good reason, gobstoppers are addicting, my coworker is forcing me to visit and I don’t want to, people I work with are funny, I can’t stand Oklahoma, FRECKLES MAKE ME HOT, I am frustrated with computers, I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT WATCHING PORN ON THE COMPUTER, SAW HOT RADIO DJ THAT SOUNDED UGLY AND THOUGHT DIRTY THOUGHTS, THOUGHT ABOUT BUKAKE, I like the Black Eyed Peas, Chris Clairmont is a hack, people that reset their passwords and promptly forget their passwords make me angry, I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE, not sure if that counts but I heard the song, I always imagine as I stand at the bathroom mirror picking my nose that someone is filming it on the other side, I am going home.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 285 - Boy are my arms tired

I haven't been to the gym in a couple of months and yesterday's task was a wake up call to that. I was supposed to go to the gym yesterday and build up my arm muscles in case I ever needed them. I was give the direction to...

Sit on bench
Put elbow on knee
Curl weight up to shoulder and repeat 100 times

I knew this task was coming and thought I might use it as a catalyst to start attending the gym again. I am currently regretting that decision.

I hit the elliptical first to get a little warm up and then moved my way to this machine that does the same thing as my instructions but without having to go over to the weights. I have a personal awkwardness at the weights and refuse to go over to that area unless it is entirely empty in the gym. I stick to the rookie machines to save face.

I started doing arm curls at 25 lbs on the machine but after the first 25 I realized I was going to rip my muscles apart like shredded wheat and took it down to 15. My arms started to loose strength and I was struggling pretty quickly. Just then a huge dude sits down directly across from me at another station. It involved a bar and pulling something but all I saw was the fact that he was pulling about 70% of the available weight on the machine. I looked at the 2 piddly weight bars I had and felt like a loser. I finished 50 reps on each arm and walked away with my noodle arms flapping in the wind.

I am definitely going to the gym more often.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 284 - No, I didn't hear about that.

We made a 6 hour drive yesterday and it helped me complete my task with ease. I was supposed to ignore all media yesterday which I took to mean, don't look at, listen for, or acknowledge any news sources all day. I think this was only hard in that I usually check my comic book news sites at least 4 times a day to check the breaking news in the comic book world.

I started out the day by watching, "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective." There is no educational value at all in that movie and it contains no relevant info. I continued my solitary confinement by sitting in a car for 6 hours and listening to music and the Dallas Cowboy's game. This was only because the guy driving was a Cowboy fan or it would have been music only. I could care less about football.

We got home and watched "The Office" and "Fringe" so the only news I saw flashed by as I fast forwarded through the commercials. By the way, I watched one of these on a VCR which shows you how technologically behind in the times my wife and I are. We refuse to spring for DVR.

The only close call I had was while bringing "Fringe" up on the computer. We watch it online and my homepage is MSN so I had to hold my hand in front of the screen until I got the player up and running.

I don't think anything important happened yesterday because when I got to work no one asked, "Did you hear about..." so I guess I am safe from having my head in the sand.

That is all,

Newt