The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Bone Wild

After Christmas I bought one of those gigantic rawhide bones that I found on sale and waited until I needed a good laugh. Below is my idea of what happened.

Duncan: Hazel, I think I must be dreaming. Either my overweight little body has caused a heart attack or my fantasy has just become reality.
Hazel: Well if you're dreaming, I hope you don't wake up. If I am not mistaken, Dad just brought in a bone that is bigger than you.
D: Is that even possible? Can we really eat our weight in rawhide?
H: Hellz yes!!! I am going to munch on that baby like a Ankylosaurus on a field of grass.
D: I am not really sure what that means.
H: Sorry, there was a special on Discovery last night and Pops left the TV on.
D: You really need to get out more. Use the dog door once in a while. You are going stir crazy and I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Stop talking like you are from the street.
H: I did time. These people sprung me from the joint but I was living in Cell block C until Pops paid my bail.
D: That was an adoption you idiot. And you were in the shelter.
H: Quit trying to distract me. Here comes that bone.
D: My mouth is watering.
H: Well don't be getting any ideas, that shit is mine.
D: I am pretty sure we are supposed to share that.
H: That's what you think. It's mine!!!



The bone lasted three days and Hazel ate 85% of it. I wasn't sure she had it in her. And yes, I am aware that my voice sounds like a country bumpkin.

That is all,

Newt

Things I should have knows - Radio

Have you ever encountered something out in the world that is a blatantly obvious fact but for some reason you never really gave it any thought, but now that you have you suddenly realize that you never knew the fact to begin with but should have? This will occasionally happen to me and it did a few days ago.

I was driving in the car when for some reason the two wires in my brain that connect reason with common sense connected and I realized: "There are no even numbers on radio frequencies after the decimal". By this I mean that there isn't an 88.8 FM or a 550.2 AM. All call numbers on any frequency are followed by an odd number.

I don't really know what made me think of this but once I did I felt extremely stupid. Of course all of the numbers are followed in odds. Why didn't this ever occur to me before? I'm 25 and just discovered a well known fact about radio frequencies. I am an idiot for not seeing it sooner.

The proof was always out there for me to see. I have looked at too many bumper stickers touting "La Musica 195.3" or "93.3 The Bone Rocks Harder" to not have seen this. I think these instances are the universes way of saying, "Hey Stupid, You are getting way to cocky and to show you you're not so special here's something you should know."

That is all,

Newt

I don't wanna grow up...

Well, I had a great time while in New York and one of the neater things I got to do was go to the Toys R Us in Times Square. This store was amazing. Three stories of Legos, Video Games and Actions figures. It even had a life size Barbie Dream house. Here are the highlights.

One amazing thing about the Toys R Us Times Square was the Lego Center. I grew up on the amazing multicolored building blocks and when I walked in and saw a Fantastic Four Thing and Wolverine built entirely out of Legos, well I must say I was impressed. They also had a Yankees Helmet, the Chrysler and Empire State Buildings, a boy and his dog and Captain Jack Sparrow all built out of Legos. It was spectacular.

Next was the Action Figures. The selection was massively impressive. I am a connoisseur of these 6 in. marvels so when I walked in and saw a huge Spider-man hanging over a wall of Transformers I was quite pleased. They had sections dedicated to Star Wars, Transformers, and Power Rangers which I guess I assumed were not that popular.

One of the more classic scenes was the candy store. When I say store, it was more like a land of candy. Or more specifically, a Candy Land. I say this because the entire cast of Candy Land was positioned all throughout the area. Mr. Mint welcomes you to the candy land and as you go through you see all of your favorites. Gloopy the Chocolate Clump is over the Chocolate section, Plumpy the Green Guy welcomes you to the Sugar Free Section, and if you need a bag to put candy in, well just grab one from the tail end of a Gingerbread Play piece.

The most impressive display of child hood shenanigans is the fact that there was a working Ferris Wheel in the store that kids and adults can ride. I didn't get on it but the cars were themed with different toys.

Strangely enough, there was a Jurassic Park Section. I assume they built this when the movie came out because there were no actual Jurassic Park toys. There was, however, a giant T-Rex that moved(see video). Please ignore my awful video skills.

This visit was an amazing experience for the kid in me. Up until now, I didn't know what a toy store could be. Now I know what they mean when they say, "I Don't Wanna Grow Up."

That is all,

Newt

In a New York Minute

Well, I had a world wind tour of New York last week and have had to wait this week until I was able to get the pictures. Now that I have them, here is a fun little tidbit of my trip. I got to see a taping of David Letterman.

I was just walking by the famous Ed Sullivan Theatre when I noticed a sign that said, "Free Tickets". I had wanted to see a taping while in NYC but forgot to look for tickets. I walked in and signed up for the lottery they hold and a couple of hours later, I had a ticket for Thursdays taping. The guests were Julia Louis Dreyfus, T.J. Miller from Cloverfield, and a band called Super Furry Animals.

It was a long process just to get in the seat. It started with a line to get my ticket, followed by an hour wait to get in line at a building across the street. We stood in line for an hour as a guy from the show tried to make us understand that no matter what, we should laugh at any joke we hear. He even said, "You may chuckle at home but this is television. Any joke you hear, laugh like it is the funniest fucking joke you have ever heard." He then proceeded to make us practice laughing.

We filtered into the show about 15 minutes before it started taping and Letterman came out to take questions. A younger guy asked Dave where he would go to break a 15 year pizza hiatus that he was on. Dave was so shocked that he had a couple of pizzas delivered during the show.

It was an interesting experience to see a taping. It only took an hour to tape the show and during the "commercial breaks" the band played music for us. That's why the band is always playing when the show comes back from commercial. I thought I might be on the show from a audience scan but it didn't happen. I guess I will have to be discovered some other way.

It was a big highlight from my trip.

That is all,

Newt

I feel like a teenager again

Well, some random occurrences have been happening to me over the last couple of days that makes me feel like I was in high school again. I have reverted back to a social state that was very prevalent during my Sophomore to Senior years in school. I have been dealing with...Comic Overload!!!

I use to work at a comic book shop in Midland, and as such took home a crap load of random comics at ridiculously low cost(most of it was trade for work and the owner didn't have a good understanding of a payment process). I have been randomly finding great deals on comic books this week that is giving me flashbacks.

First it was a great week of trade at my local comic shop from working, then an awesome online deal followed by a moving sale at another comic shop that I just happened to stop at. Even today I found some cheap issues when I wasn't even looking for them.

I need my wife to come home, and she is today, because I am on a tear. I need detox or something. The worst part is that, like any of us, you just can't pass up such a great deal.

I need help,

Newt

Brando, I''m Not

So, I am about to become a godfather to my niece, Addison, when she is born. This is a surprisingly important thing to be bestowed upon a schmuck like me and I plan to take it seriously. Of course, there will be the bad Brando impressions but I am also pretty excited about it. Below is a definition of my new title.

god·fa·ther /Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[god-fah-ther]
–noun
1. a man who serves as sponsor for a child at baptism. (This means I get to be a spiritual guide. I am going to have to read the Bible or that poor girl is going to be so confused)
2. any male sponsor or guardian. (I am definitely a male, I bought a magazine subscription for a hospital once so I guess I sponsored the magazine, and I will put a pony's head in any twerps bunk bed who messes with my little Addition)
3. (often initial capital letter) a powerful leader, esp. of the Mafia. (I am the self proclaimed leader of the nerds so I guess I am a leader)
4. a person who is regarded as the originator or principal shaper of a movement, school of thought, art form, industry, or the like: the godfather of abstract expressionism. –verb (used with object) (I had a movement this morning so this one is checked off)
5. to act as godfather to; be sponsor or protector for. (See number 2.)

Well, it looks like I am on track to be the best Godfather that money can buy...and I am not even charging for my services. I really need to learn how to make Cannoli.

That is all,

Newt

In Deep Doo Doo

You know what I think is one of the scariest instances that commonly occurs? Not scary in the sense of danger or death, just a creepy feeling that can overtake you. It's that 5 seconds between flushing and that gulping sound the toilet makes when you make a courtesy flush.

I thought of this today on an alarmingly massive grunt I was making. These occasionally happen and when they do, I usually flush about half way through to avoid creating a mountain in my bowl. But, every time I do one of these there is a 5 second haunting that occurs because my mind automatically wonders, "Will the toilet clog"?

Think about it. What would you do? Imagine if you will:
You are sitting on the toilet crapping and notice that maybe it is time for a flush to reboot the toilet. You reach back, hit the switch and instead of that reassuring 'Floosh' you look down and see brown water rising. What do you do, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I don't know. I am blessed that this has never happened to me. You are pretty much screwed no matter what happens.

Situation A: you stand up without wiping, try to get your pants up, and find a plunger before the poop volcano overflows. If all of that is successful, you still have to try to plunge the mess before it overflows, and as we have all experienced, plunging a toilet isn't the easiest thing to do. And it's definitely not the cleanest.

Situation B: You don't look down in time and your private area takes a brown bath. The gravy starts overflowing from between the seat and bowl and your clothes get a new kind of rinse. You panic, stand up and start traipsing through the muck trying to find the plunger. The rest is pretty much the same as Situation A.

Either way, this is gross.

That is all,

Newt

Cloverfield

What the hell does the title of the new movie 'Cloverfield' mean? It is the exit J.J. Abrams takes when he goes into the office. This flick is a hell of a ride. I am writing this right after I went to see the movie tonight.

I loved the premise of this movie and from beginning to end I was on the edge of my seat. The action is perfect, the suspense is amazing, and the bouts of fright are just enough to make you want more. Here is the trailer if you have been living under a rock.

The premise is pretty widely known so I don't think I am going to be giving anything away by revealing that. Pretty much, a giant monster comes out of the NY harbor and begins attacking the city. The entire thing is told through the eyes of a handheld video camera that is found after the attack.

There is a going away party for one of the main characters and when the monster attacks we get a POV video that is intense and left me satisfied. I will say that some people at the end didn't seem to happy with the way the film ended. Screw them though because it was magnificent. Oh, and the monster does not disappoint and could easily beat the shit out of Godzilla and Mothra and they ain't no pushovers.

Go see this. If you were able to watch 'The Blair Witch Project' then you will probably be fine. I can't recommend this enough. I will probably go see it again and I don't usually take in second viewings of movies.

That is all,

Newt

Giggle-Toot

I was just bothering Diana by smacking my gum when she asked me to quit and it made me start to laugh. As soon as I did, I let the slightest toot that made me laugh even harder. I like to call this phenomenon a Giggle-Toot.

I think everyone has been afflicted with this. I know Diana has. Funny story...I don't remember why but Diana started laughing, this was years ago, and when she did she had a Giggle-Toot. Well, she thought that the GT was so funny that it made her laugh harder which caused an even longer GT that may or may not have been classified as a Giggle-Fart. Well, the GF? made her laugh even harder and well, I think you can see where this went. By the end of her fourth GT she had me laughing so hard that I cried.

I think that if there is a God then He/She/It has to have a sense of humor because anything that can make humanity laugh with a little air coming from the gluteous maximus has to have a funny bone.

That is all,

Toot, er I mean Newt

The Terrifying case of the Gnome-Goblin

Last night Diana and I stumbled across a terrifying scene. I went to turn my bed lamp on and it wouldn't light. I checked the plug and the power before realizing that the light bulb had been almost completely unscrewed from the socket. I knew it could only be one culprit...The Gnome-Goblin.

I told my lady that we had been hit by this nefarious imp. Lo and behold, Diana didn't know of the Gnome-Goblin. Thus I had to tell her it's story.

For those of you who don't know, a Gnome-Goblin is a magical creature of mischief. A byproduct of a gnome and a goblin, these creatures mixed the goodness of a gnome with the evil of a goblin and created a problem creature. While not evil, Gnome-Goblins are always causing trouble. Their favorite prank...unscrewing light bulbs.

Diana was surprised to hear of this creature. Her main concern was preventing the problem from happening again. Naturally, I told her how the easiest way to stop a Gnome-Goblin was to sprinkle lemon juice all around the house. She didn't seem to understand why this would deter the felon from attacking again.

You see, Gnome-Goblins are vain. They have very delicate teeth with extremely sensitive enamel. If lemon juice gets on their teeth, the enamel rots off and their teeth fall out instantly. This leaves them scared for life and they are wary of anything with a high acidic level. Thus, lemon juice scares the daylights out of them.

My wife then asked if we could just spray lemon Pledge in which I could only reply, "Diana, now you are just being ridiculous."

That is all,

Newt

Television: the new exercise equipment

Well, I hit a wall today at the gym. I have successfully gone to the gym 5 of the last 7 days and have spent 30 minutes on the gym each day. I have accomplished this miracle due to the fact that there is a little TV on every machine and I can watch a half hour and forget that my fat butt is really sweating and thrusting my legs forward at an alarming rate.

So today I went in and, because Monday is one of the busiest days to work out, every machine with a TV was taken. So I found an open elliptical and started my workout. I made it 5 minutes. It wasn't that I was tired, it was that I was to worried about the time. I was bored. I had to stop and wait for a machine to open up.

I went and worked on some arm strengthening to kill time. I finally found an open TV and even then I only made it 15 minutes. In my defence, the last guy that was on there didn't wipe the machine down and it looked like he had peed all over it. It had an aroma of B.O. that I just couldn't stand. Well, that's my gym rant. This is what happens when I actually try to work out.

That is all,

Newt

Bombay Dreams

I had a sobering experience yesterday. The retail outlet Bombay is closing its doors and their corporate headquarters is in Ft. Worth. All of the retail stores have been having Going out of Business sales and yesterday we heard that the corporate offices were selling all of their office furniture. So we went to the offices to look around.

I don't know if anyone has ever stolen from a dying man but we walked around two floors of offices where people were still working and a guy was trying to sell us desks that people were still using. It was eerie. The workers seemed cool about it though. There was an air of decay in the building. Everything, and I do mean everything had price tags on it. Cubicles, vases, copiers, hell even the microwave had a tag.

We found some interesting things. Half of the offices had desks from the stores in them so every office looked like something out of a 1940's cabana. It was very overdone.

Today, I went to the floor model sale because we are trying to furnish our front reception area. The amount of fine furnishings at ridiculous prices was astounding. I got a pants caddie.

That is all,

Newt

My name is GYM

Well, I am officially a member of a GYM!?! I decided a few weeks ago that it is probably time to do something about my weight. I look at fat people and think, "How did they let themselves get so big?" and then dig back in to my Whataburger bag.

I know that I am over the weight I need to be at so I joined a gym near our house. I went today for the first time and took advantage of one of the selling points of the gym. They have personal TVs on all of their elliptical and treadmills. I was able to do 30 minutes on an elliptical which is the longest I have every stayed on one of those Iron Maidens.

I plan on sticking with this for a while to get back down to my sexy weight of 195-200. Mainly, I just want my body to stop looking like I ate a box of Lime Jello. I even went and bought workout shorts. Their silver.

That is all,

Newt

Stupid Multiplication

Well, I just read that Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. Sister to Britney, Jaime is 16 and has been with the father for a while. He was described as "long time boyfriend." At 16, what is considered long time?

This news is scary because it seems that stupid people are multiplying at an alarming rate. I am not trying to insult people who get pregnant at a young age. I don't think it is the smartest thing to do because accidents happen. I do not, however, think it is a good idea.

There is a movie called Idiocity in which the human race gets populated with stupid people because they kept reproducing with other stupid people, while the smart people paired up and waited loner and longer to have children. It lead to people watching TV shows about getting kicked in the nuts and having a pro wrestler be President.

I know we make leaps and bounds in the medical and technological communities on a daily basis but I see how we could end up in that area. Punctuation has gone the way of the dodo, the word like is put into every sentence, and the Wayan's Brothers have a career. That in itself is proof that we are faltering.

On a daily basis, I get at least two emails that aren't capitalized which drives me crazy. Music is littered with thur's(there) and fashizees. What the hell does that even mean? I just don't want to see the world become that movie and it could. Scary.

That is all,

Newt

I have been violated

I know I was complaining about my lights a few days ago but yesterday morning I discovered something disturbing. Some snot nosed little punk ran up to my front door and cut both of extension cords to the Christmas lights.

So, either I have pissed off my neighbor or the fact that the lights were crooked aggravated an escaped psychotic patient with OCD and caused him to cut my cords to prevent them from being seen. I went back up today and fixed the cord issues and now none of my cords run outside where "the Snipper" can't get to them.

What kind of person is so demented that they think it is ok to do this. How is this funny in any way? A practical joke is one thing but this is just vandalism. It did make me want to send an apology to my old neighbor whose window I broke and ran off without ever telling him. Sorry Curtis.

That is all,

Newt

Lights, Camera, Traction

Well, as most of you know, Christmas is around the corner. This means presents and candy and for the first time in my life, putting lights on the house. For those of you who haven't seen my humble abode, this means I am putting my life at risk.

Our house isn't large but we do have two stories. I have never walked on my roof before but my wife wanted lights on the house and I aim to please. I began stringing lights on the roof three weeks ago and ran out with only half of the house done. A couple of days later, I found more of the same lights and got back on it.

After plugging the lights in, low and behold, there were pieces out. So up I go again to fix the lights. My OCD kicked in when I noticed that the lights weren't all standing straight up. So up I go again to straighten them out. Next, I ran out of those little clippy things that you use to attach lights to your house. Well, so did half of Dallas, Texas because I spent three hours driving around looking for more.

Finally I find more but the weather has been bad. I have been trying to get up on the roof for a week and on Saturday I grabbed my ladder and fixed the perimiter of mi casa. Still, it looks like crap. I still have lights all over my house that looks like redneck teeth.

So again, I climb up last night in the chilly drizzle and I'll be damned if the lights I fixed last week hadn't gone out again. So I spent thirty minutes trying to straighten and fix my lights.

Needless to say, they still aren't fixed. This is why Christmas can suck so bad.

That is all,

Newt

Spelling Follies - Part duh

Well, the Spellin' Felon has struck again. This was found at the same school a couple of weeks ago and I am just getting around to posting about it. It seems that Marshall Durham Middle School has a prankster in their midst. I am not sure what class Scince is but I know it wasn't part of the curriculum back when I was in 6th Grade.

Somehow I doubt this will be the last spelling error I will find.

That is all,

Newt

Guitar Hero - Stage 1

Well, a couple of weeks ago I bought Guitar Hero III and I have put in quite a bit of time in on the game. Well, today I have beaten the Easy setting of Guitar Hero III. That's right, calm down everyone. I know how excited you must all be to hear this news but this is not the end. There are still three levels to go.

What does beating the easy stage mean. It means I played 42 pulse pounding songs, slamming down the red, green and blue keys to some awesome rock songs. The end is a battle with the Devil himself and guess what song I had to beat him with? Anybody? That's right, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". He was hard competition but in the end I spanked him.

I plan on strumming up to the next level soon but my fingers need a rest. After unlocking all those songs, I am going to need a few days off.

Rock on,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Sweet Fang

Imagine...

Duncan and Hazel are sitting around the house. Hazel, in her infinite curiosity starts investigating the Target bag sitting on the fireplace.


H: Duncan, guess what?
D: What? Hazel, you know you shouldn't be messing around in that bag.
H: Damn D, you have got to lighten up. There is some tasty treats in here.
D: Hazel. You know your ass is going to get busted and I will probably get blamed.
H: Yeah, but it will totally be worth it.


Duncan and Hazel proceed to tear open an entire bag of Hershey's Candy Cane Kisses.


D: Should we be eating these?
H: I don't see why not.
D: I don't know, isnt this stuff bad for us?
H: I don't know, and I don't care. Check this out, I am wired.
D: Quit running around. Stop biting me. Calm Down Dammit!!!
H: I can't. Whooo hooo!!!!!!!


Diana came home to find the entire bag gone. Foil wrappers littered the floor. Asses were made pink and doggie doo turned white.


That is all,


Newt

Shot Down

A couple of days ago, a woman in my office brought me something that I felt the need to share with my readers. There is a new thing in the world for all of those people who feel like a cup of coffee just isn't a fast enough way to get their morning jolt of caffeine. A company called Whitewave has created a company called Stok.

Stok is a coffee creamer that contains the equivalent of one shot espresso and has a warning limit of two shots a day. So, by adding this creamer to your normal coffee cup, you too can act like Richard Simmons after a Bedazzling class. Now, I don't drink coffee very often so when this came along so I felt like I would be the perfect baseline.

Now, I had a misconception about this product that I didn't find out is false until after I consumed this. When it says a shot, it is meant to be poured in your coffee and not treated like tequila at a sorority party. I didn't realize that and had quite a flavor shock.

This is not recommended.

That is all,

Newt