That looks like S#!+

A terrible tragedy has befallen the Wonder frog Dynasty. With our new house comes home upgrades and we are currently in the stages of painting the Master Bathroom. My homosexual side came out when I decided we needed to have an Accent wall in our bathroom that was to be Chocolate Brown. So, Tuesday night I was doing some secondary touch ups on the wall to cover what my base coat had missed. I was on a ladder when Diana walked in. She is in Canada and was packing for her trip.

She went into our closet, which is in our Master bath, and as I was coming down the ladder I wasn't paying attention. I thought I was one step lower than I was and fell backwards. In the process I grabbed the ladder and knocked a lid full of paint onto the brand new carpet in our closet. It now looks like a dog shit all over our carpet and dragged it.

Needless to say, I am now having to get more carpet for our closet.

That is all,

Newt

If I was Invisible...

No, I am not singing that Clay Aiken song, though it sure is catchy. First, let me start by saying that I believe my creative side is linked to my bladder because I come up with some of my best stuff when I am peeing. Case in point, What would I do if I could become invisible?



I decided that if I could become invisible I would eat a lot of beans and randomly walk around loudly farting next to really attractive people. If done correctly, I could make everyone believe that some hot girl let one rip and it would smell awful. I'm not kidding either. My farts can get really rank. They smell like liquid Ass.

Back to what I was saying, the possibilities are endless for my inviso-toots. You could wait until some guy was standing at a urinal and let a loud one go. No one would believe him when he said he didn't do it. Or you could get pay back on that girl that said no to you when you asked them out in high school by going to her wedding and as she leans in to kiss the groom, wet fart. That would teach her to turn you down.

The penultimate would be if you just inviso-farted in a room with only one person in it. They would be sitting there and hear one rip while they were all alone. How weird would you feel if you heard a fart and smelled it when you were the only one home. Creepy. Dammit I wish I could become invisible.

That is all,

Newt

Fenced In

We got a fence!!!! I came home yesterday and this Mexican guy was just putting up the last pickets on our brand new fence. Do you know what this means? I don't have to walk the dogs anymore!!!

As soon as the fence was complete I started doing yard work. I figured out how to turn my sprinkler system on, went to Lowe's and bought some hedge trimmers, trimmed the hedges and cleaned. What is it about having something new that makes you want to clean? I can only figure that it is because when you look at your shiny new whatever you got, you just want everything else to be shiny and new too.

Duncan and Hazel love their new back yard and I we can now start leaving Hazel out during the day. Hopefully they don't dig their way out.

That is all,

Newt

A True Scary Story

Last night Diana and I watched a horror film. Most of you may never have heard of it but it is a documentary about a cult that is hiding in middle America. The story focuses on kids as they are brainwashed into a dark religion of hatred and fear. They are placed into classes with other students and preached to about eternal damnation and the Devil.

Their parents, also followers in the cult, keep their children at home and teach them as opposed to sending them into the world of public school. You may have heard of this cult. They call it...

CHRISTIANITY!!!

The movie was called "Jesus Camp" and it follows a sect of Evangelical Christians as they teach their children the love of the Lord through screaming, threat of eternal damnation, and hatred of anyone that is different. You would just have to watch the movie to see all of the scary shit that goes on but for example...

There was a 9 year old girl who goes up to a group of black men and asks one of them "If you died today where would you go?" The man answers "Heaven" and the girl asks "Are you sure?" He says yes so she and her friends leave and the girl says to her friends "I think they were Muslim."

The ideas these people have made my mouth drop. I was so amazed at the fact that these people can blatantly make statements like "Christianity is the only thing that answers all the questions...If you ignore science and use Christianity." (this is paraphrased because I forgot the exact wording.) Or when the same woman teaches her son that "Global warming isn't a big deal."

While I normally shy away from organized religion because these people scare me. This is a radical representation of Christianity but it is the crazy people in any area that keep people away. When I see kids speaking in tongues it just doesn't seem like the kind of thing I want to be a part of. Everyone should see this movie.

That is all,

Newt

Holy Lawn Care Batman!!!

Well I suppose I am officially a homeowner now. Sure, I have redone a few things here and there. Textured walls, painted, had carpet installed, etc. But Wednesday I completed a rite of passage known as "The First Mow".

I am an old pro at mowing yards but to actually own the yard I was mowing is quite a feat. To be more precise, I actually mowed weeds with an occasional blade of grass thrown in. My mother-in-law to be was kind enough to give us her lawnmower, weed eater and blower so I was all set. My yard being so small, it didn't take long to finish.

Yesterday I went out and bought a spreader and some weed killer/fertilizer and put that out so hopefully I can get a lush green yard instead of a plot filled with weeds of unknown origin.

That is all,

Newt

Sangria, the hidden dangers

Yesterday, Diana and I were running around and found out her dad was coming to Dallas for Spring Break. They were coming to look at the house so we rushed home to meet them. We came in and the house smelled really wheaty, almost as if a beer had been spilled and left to sit. Diana started giving her dad and step mom the tour when I found the cause of the smell.

My good buddy, Dan had given us a bottle of White Sangria for Christmas and I had sat it on our bar in the wine rack. I walked into the dining room to try to locate the smell when I saw a cork laying near the wall. I looked at the bar and the bottle of Sangria was empty.

I don't know why but during the day, the bottle popped its cork and since it was on its side, began to pour all over our bar, table, and floor. It took forever to get cleaned up and I had to throw the runner that was on the bar in the trash. I even had to take the bar apart to get all of the Sangria that had leaked into it.

Needless to say, our floor is sticky. And not in a good way.

That is all,

Newt

Not the taste, or the smell...It was the texture

Well what a crazy weekend. My dad, Tebo, came down to the big D this weekend to help me texture our bathroom walls. Boy was I glad because I am fairly certain that I would have failed miserably at it had he not been there. We went to Home Depot and rented a hopper to texture with and by Saturday at 1 we, and by we I mean mostly dad, were finished.

We spent the rest of the day hanging with Cousin Kristy and I finally went to one of the bars around my house. I have been hoping to find a place to go for a beer that wasn't ridiculously expensive or far away and I think I may have found such an Oasis. It is called The Sterling Bar and Grill and holds pool tables, shuffleboard, and moderately priced beer.

The best part of dad's visit was after we got back from the bar. Diana and I own this game called Charoodles. It involves using props and playing Charades. You get a series of things to act out and have to use one of the props during your actions. Well, Dad got 'Superhero Abilities' and if you have never seen a 52 year old man try to act out Mind Reading, Invisibility(in which he went and hid behind a wall), Flight, and Super Strength then you have not lived. The best part is his face every time Diana guessed an answer correctly.

To finish off the weekend, Dad installed a dog door in our back door before going back to Midland. I was so happy to have his help because I would not have been able to get the things done that we did without him.

Thanks Dad,

Newt

Captain America R.I.P.

Well, for those of you who haven't heard, Captain America was killed in issue 25 of his series. While being escorted from prison following his surrender at the end of Marvel's Civil War, a sniper working for Cap's Arch nemesis, the Red Skull, shot him through the chest.

In the commotion, Captain America's girlfriend, Sharon Carter, shot him three times in the stomach. I know, what a bitch. But cut her some slack. She was under the control of the Red Skull at the time. How would you feel if you killed the man you love and had no control over it.

The reason I am writing this post is that this story has hit the media and made a big stink. I was reading some responses to the MSN story and people were saying that killing Captain America was political and unAmerican. That Marvel made a mistake in killing him since we are at war. I have also read people say that this is all a ploy to sell more comics.

To this I say, "No Shit!" That's what Marvel does. It sells comics. And fuck you, public opinion. Your opinion is ridiculous. Almost all of the people who have commented on this story don't even read comics. They weigh in on his death but they don't read. Why the hell do you care? You haven't been reading it. You read the story online and thought, "Well that's unAmerican. They destroyed a symbol of freedom." Bull. People make me so angry. They comment on things that they don't know about and try to make it sound like they care.

You can watch an MSN report on it Here. And an interview with the writer of Captain America, Ed Brubaker Here.

That is all,

Newt

Tuber...It's not a Tuber

What is up with the soggy fry? Diana and I went to Whataburger for breakfast last week and I got fries and low and behold, there was a soggy fry in the fry container. Having worked fast food for years I never could understand why people under cook the fries.

First, french fries are to stay in really hot grease for 3 to 3.5 minutes. If you are in a hurry, 2.5 minutes will do but it just never tastes as good. I understand the term is 'Fast Food" but who can't wait that long?

Second, there is this disdain for the world that occurs when you have been eating crispy, salty fries and you reach in and grab a soggy spud. I mean, c'mon. Cook all the fries. I shouldn't have to miss out on that heart clogging goodness just because Rosita, the fry lady can't keep her fuckin' basket in the oil. It has a timer Rosita, a timer! That means you don't pull the baskets out until the beep!!! WHY DO YOU HATE THE FRIES, ROSITA!?! YOU STUPID BI...

Whoa, that got out of hand.

That is all,

Newt

Bounce back

Last night Diana and I went to dinner and I had to pee. So I went to the bathroom and stood at the urinal when I realized that I was in flip flops. Women, you have probably never faced this problem unless you just have a weird stream but if you wear flip flops to the urinal, you had better be damn careful about pee splashing.

There is a fine art to peeing in a urinal. Aim to high and you get a fine mist of pee shooting back at you, aim to low and you create a popping that causes pee to fly at you like a grenade. Normally this is an acceptable occurrence but if you happen to be in sandals or flip flops, you will walk away with pee on your feet. You do not want pee on your feet.

Luckily, I didn't just go all willy nilly and let fly before checking my surroundings. I was able to flow without any overflow, if you know what I'm saying. I remember when I used to go to Ulmer Park Swimming Pool and would use the urinals that dropped straight down to the floor. We were to dumb to realize you needed shoes in a swimming pool bathroom and I would always end up with pee on my bare feet. Luckily I would just get back in the pool and let the yellow wash away. I love Chlorine.

That is all,

Newt

Cry me a River

I was watching a movie today called 'The Puffy Chair' and two of the characters get in a fight and break up. When they decide that their relationship is over they do that 'hug and then sort of kiss.' This made me think of the break-ups I have had and those goodbyes that I went though.

As my mind tends to wander, breakups made me think of the Salty Kiss. You know that kiss that you have when the girl has shed a few tears over your final goodbye. Alright, so maybe I am the one that sheds the tears but dammit, I am a sensitive dude. You go in for a hug and then have that awkward last kiss that is a mixture of lips and tears. It's always really warm and moist. I only assume that everyone has had these kisses. They are also around during fights.

Fighting seems to be a catalyst for tear kisses. And is it just me or does everyone fear that the tears are really snot and the salt is just boogers running over your lips as you kiss? I know that is gross but seriously, it could be boogers you are kissing goodbye. Boogers!!!!

That is all,

Newt

Where's Waldo?

So I had this awesome conversation with Erin on Sunday about Where's Waldo. You guys remember Waldo? He was that strange guy that would always go to huge raves and dress out of place. He sporadically showed up in group photos; he was always peeping out of random areas.

Well, Erin was telling me about a classmate of hers that came to school on picture day dressed as Waldo and when the yearbook was done, he had hidden himself in some of the photos and would go circle his picture when he signed your yearbook. That is genius.

Well, this begs the question: Where's Waldo? He was so popular when we were in grade school and now it seems like the books where kids find stuff has disappeared. I would love when a new Waldo book would come out and I would try mercifully to determine where that guy was. And does anyone remember his dog Spot? That was such a clever name. I love that guy.

That is all,

Newt

23' Skiddooo!!!

On Tuesday, my friend Allison and I got to go see the premiere of 'The Number 23' with Jim Carrey. It was pretty good though it was less about going mad and more about figuring out the history of the book that the number comes from. And it was no where near as bloody as I had hoped.

But that's not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is going to an advance screening and all that is involved. First, you have to get there really early. If you don't, you won't make it into the theatre. I got to the theatre an hour and a half before the start and there were already people there.

Second, there is this subset of the movie going population that are constantly at movie screenings. Two of the people standing next to me were in this little club. I say club because one of the guys was actually in a movie review club and would go to advanced screenings and then write reviews. He said he has been going to screenings for 21 years.

If you know where to look, you can find all of these free tickets if you read certain websites and newspapers. Then, you can just go to all the free movies you can fit in. It is actually a pretty genius idea. You get to see movies that haven't even been released yet for free. Pretty cool.

That is all,

Newt

Thumbstruck

Well, I went yesterday and got a classic controller for my Wii and downloaded Mario Kart 64 and Street Fighter 2. So my post is going to be about the up/down/left/right buttons on the old game controllers.

I have never been very good at fighting games but when I used to play Street Fighter I could always make Chun Li do her kick ass flying kicks. Well, apparently that is no longer the case. With the advent of the joystick on the controller I have sadly lost my ability to use the old U/D/L/R controller. I tried and tried to make her do a spin kick but couldn't. But I did remember...

Back in the old days there was a thing called combos. This was where a player would have to hit crazy button progressions to make a fighter do something, the most memorable of these being the 'Fatalities' in Mortal Kombat. Why was Kombat spelled with a K? Anyway, I guess I emptied my brain of all of the old moves you had to do in Street Fighter because when I played last night, all I could do was punch and kick. I had to set the game to zero difficulty just to beat Ryu.

I wonder if our thumbs have slowly become desensitized to the combo. Sure, they still exist. But they are no where near as elaborate as they used to be. I miss being 10.

A, B, B, Up, Right, Down, X, Y, X.(this means That is all)

Newt

Spit Happens

Have you ever been driving down the road and you generate a lugy that you subsequently must spit out the window? I know I have. This week I have had a lot of drainage from a cold of some degree and constantly have to spit. In one instance a couple of days ago I was driving and got this monstrous lugy. I rolled down my window and aimed but when I spit I missed the extremely large open window and hit the top of my door.

Now I don't know if any of you have ever missed when spitting but it is disgusting. You can't roll up your window because then the spit will just slide down the glass. Of course I was driving so I also had to clean it up while on the road. Even worse, it dripped down onto the arm rest.

Imagine if you will: I spit, cold air coming in the open window, snotty saliva drips down, I have my left arm hanging in the air so I don't put my elbow in it all while driving down the highway. Fun.

That is all,

Newt

Yesh, Officer I do love my fiancee...

Well, It's Valentines Day and I just thought I would tell you a little story. Diana finally surprised me with a gift that I didn't guess I would get. I got a box in the mail a few days ago and was forced to wait until this morning to open it. I got Diana a 6 month membership to the Wine of the Month club, where you get two bottles a month from various wineries.

I was very excited about opening my present. I had made plenty of guesses as to what was inside. It is very rare that I can't guess what I get which annoys Diana to no end.


Well I was very surprised at what I got. I got the Alcohawk Breathalizer. Screw Chocolates.

Thanks Honey,

Newt

Hurling down the street...

Today's post is being written to discuss eating after puking. Saturday, my dear cousin Kristy and I went to Austin to visit our cousins Micheal and Daniel. We left Dallas on Saturday and drove back on Sunday. Saturday night was crazy and I went overboard in my alcohol consumption and proceeded to Drunk dial people, proclaim that I am a Sex God, and subsequently pass out.

Surprise, Surprise. I had a hangover on Sunday. I woke up puking and didn't stop til around noon. Thank God for Pepto Bismal. Now that all that has been discussed, we can go into our real topic.

It occurred to me yesterday that when you have been violently ill, eating is the last thing you want to do. But there is always this moment where your stomach finally says, 'You know, I have been pushing stuff out all day and I think I'm ready to start putting things back in'. Does anyone know what I am talking about? You go from nauseous to hungry and the first bite of food is tricky, then it gets a little bit better. You build up until you can actually eat and that food is so great.

My threshold food as Whataburger. I ate a little and stopped just in case I got sick again. About an hour later, I was starving and Kristy stopped at another Whataburger and I got fries and a shake. Salty fries and a chocolate shake are such a good hangover snack. The celebration my stomach had over those fries made them taste like they were the greatest fries ever.

Every thing I ate after that was good. All because my stomach was so empty that nourishment was appreciated so much more.

That is all,

Newt

An Evening with Bill Clinton

As some of you may know, I am a lucky bastard when it comes to winning crap on the radio. Tuesday was no exception. I played a random game on a talk station I listen to(105.3 Free FM) and won two tickets to hear Bill Clinton speak at the Nokia Theatre in Grand Prairie. Democrat Diana was out of town so my dear Elephant supporting cousin Kristy and I went to hear him last night. Much to our surprise, we actually enjoyed it.

I have fallen away from the Republican party somewhat over the last couple of years and have become quite passive in politics. I think this allowed me the ability to enjoy what President Clinton had to say.

It was a very un-partisian speech. His main topic was discussing Americas Global image and what he felt were some important issues and how to face them. There wasn't any Republican bashing and very little Democrat praising. Instead he went over the numbers(more than likely skewed in his favor) of how America is viewed around the world and how we could be doing more to fight AIDS, Tropical diseases, Global Warming, etc. He laid out a case for peace through talking and his opinions on avoiding war when possible.

The night consisted of a speech of about an hour and a half followed answering questions that the audience had submitted. The host for the night was extremely irritating, constantly kissing butt. He actually said, "When I told people I was coming here to host this event they told me 'you're the luckiest guy in the world' and 'this is the greatest day in your life' and as I stand here I have to say that they were right'. Imagine a Inside the Actors Studio for the President.

We did leave before it was over, but that was because I had to work early and needed to sleep. I am very happy to say that the evening exceeded my expectations.

That is all,

Newt

Squirrels are evil!!!

I got my truck back today and I didn't get screwed over nearly as bad as I could have. However something strange was discovered in my engine. What was it? Dog food.

That's right. Dog food was found under my hood. It was solid black. Also found was red fur. So the wires that had been chewed on appeared to be done by a dog food stealing squirrel. I can only assume that while we were living at the apartment, a squirrel was taking up residence in my engine.

The mechanic freaked me out because he told me he found a squirrel in the engine. Then he reached for a Sonic cup and I was really afraid he was going to show me a dead squirrel carcass. Instead he had a full cup of dog food that looked like it had been soaked in coal.

So now my truck is running again and I am squirrel free.

That is all,

Newt

My Flux Capacitor needs replacing

I think I might be getting hosed. My truck's inspection was due and I ran to the local oil change place to get it taken care of. The guy came back and told me that it didn't pass. When I asked why, he went into this weird explanation of how the Flibity gibit wasn't working correctly. I say Flibity gibit because he used some Acronym that I had no clue about. Finally I got him to explain that some seal was not pumping air in the right manner and it was causing my emissions to under perform, and in Dallas, that is a big problem.

Then he was showing me what parts he was going to replace and then found that some of the wire casings had been bitten through by mice. So I need to get them replaced. Finally, I just had to leave the truck and get the mechanic to drive me home.

It sucks to be auto deficient.

That is all,

Newt