TBWCYL Day 334 - Flower Power

My task today scared my mother. I was supposed to send her Roses today but she isn’t that big a fan so I chose a different bouquet and was getting ready to send it to her when I thought about it and decided to call and make sure she was at work today. She answered and the conversation went like this.

T: Hey, are you at work today?
M: Yes. Why?
T: I am sending you something and wanted to make sure you were there today. It’s for my task.
M: Oh God!
T: Don’t worry. It is a nice surprise.

So, I ordered the arrangement and made sure to have it delivered today. I included an apology for missing Thanksgiving on the card. Around lunch my mom called me back and I assumed it was to say thank. I was wrong.


M: Hey, do I need to be here for this deliver?
T: No. As long as someone is there to receive it you don’t.
M: You are really scaring me with this. I don’t want to go to lunch.
T: Mom, it isn’t a scary surprise. It’s a nice surprise.
M: OK. I just didn’t want to go to lunch if I needed to be here.
T: No, you can go and maybe when you get back you will have a nice surprise.

I waited again and laughed at the idea that a nice gift from a son to his mother would cause the recipient such angst. At 3 p.m. she called me back.

M: Hi, thanks for the flowers.
T: See, I told you it wasn’t scary. Do they look good?
M: Yeah, I am trying to figure out what they are. Tulips?
T: Yeah, tulips and pine is what it was called.
So, I scared my mom and then she got flowers instead. What would candy have done?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 333 - Getting to First Base

I was told to take myself on a date today. Now, I will say that if I had to go on a forced date then taking myself is probably the best case scenario. Now, what to do on my date?

T: The date started out fine. I picked him up at 11:30 and we headed to the movie theatre. I picked Julie and Julia since I wanted a feel good movie.
T: He picked me up with 1o minutes until the movie started. I couldn't believe how rude that was and the worst part was the cheapskate took me to the $1 theatre. Who does that?
T: The movie went well. I liked it and thought it was pretty cute.
T: He chose a seat with a broken chair so I had to sit left of center to the theatre, which I hate.
T: After the movie a buzzkill appeared. My old lady called during the movie and I had the phone on silent but I was pretty sure he heard the buzzing. I called Diana while walking out of the theatre and I could tell it upset him.
T: What the hell!?! We were on a date, a shitty one but still, and he talks to his wife? I couldn't believe it. The only good thing I heard was we were going to eat which sounded great to me.
T: I told Diana I was going to go eat but I realized I hadn't gotten a haircut so I revised my plan and took my date to the SportsClips to get purdy for my date. I was pretty happy with the result.
T: That son of a bitch took me to a freakin' hair cutting place. How is that a date? The cheap bastard! I couldn't believe it. And the worst part was he didn't take me to eat. He said he wasn't hungry. What about me? What if I was hungry?
T: I couldn't tell if the date went well or not. I was hoping for a hand job or something but when I told him I was going to have to get home it seemed unlikely.
T: Never again!

So, I guess when you date yourself it isn't as cut and dry as it could be. Who knew?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 332 - Numbers

Greeting me this morning as my task was a page that requested I fill out all of the important numbers in my life. Things such as Phone, Address, Birthday etc. I filled it out but as you can imagine I can't put it up on the web. I also didn't write the full credit card numbers it asked for. If that book fell into the wrong hands I would be cooked.

I don't know if the makers of This Book Will Change Your Life were just thoughtful in putting these easy tasks near a holiday or if it was coincidence but it has been nice to have a few days of simple tasks.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 331 - R&R

I get a day off. Yippee. The Book was kind to me and gave me a day of rehabilitation. Since I didn't have anything to do and was actually off from my day job, I pulled an extra shift up at Titan Comics. By 7 I was wiped. I guess my day off was more exhausting than it was meant to be.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 330 - Hike it up

Well, Thursday was Thanksgiving and I didn't blog because I was on the house putting lights on it. We did a thing that Dallas has called the Turkey Trot which just means we got up early and went down with a ton of other Dallasites and walked around downtown to benefit the YMCA.

My task for Thursday was to pick up a hitchhiker. There are all of these stories about murderous hikers and such but I think the majority of people aren't bad so I wouldn't be adverse to picking up a hiker. However, two things stopped me. 1: I didn't see any hitchhikers and so I couldn't pick one up and2: Diana would kill me if I picked up a hitcher.

So, task tried and failed.

Nothing to be thankful for that day.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 329 - Pucker Up

Imagine the most intimate kiss your lips could achieve. Was it passionate? Warm? Was there feeling in it?

Well, I had to kiss a part of someones body today that had never been kissed before. Now think of everywhere you have ever been kissed and tell me what is left. Go on? Where have you not been kissed before?

See, I gave this some thought before doing this task and the problem is you have to consider a persons life. Sure there are a few places you can guarantee kisses to have landed but the problem is you must consider one variable in kissing that most might not, The Parents. Parents kiss their babies everywhere. "Oh, these are the cutest toes I just want to eat them, numnumnum. Oh that is the cutest elbow ever, kissy kissy." The list goes on and on.

That's why I made sure to go for somewhere I know my wife has never been kissed and that is her butt crack. Don't get all sick on me, it was clean. I actually saw her wash it as I sat on the edge of the tub while she was in the shower this morning to be sure. Diana has a small birthmark right where her cheeks part and after she had toweled off this morning I made her stand in front of me as I gave her a "Wmack" right at the beginning of her coin slot.

She wouldn't let me post a pic of the area.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 328 - Whats a Motto? Nothing, Whats a motto with you?

Ah the Lion King. Such a great movie. And speaking of Mottos, I chose one to live by yesterday from The Book. I read them all carefully and decided on the one below.

Aut Vincam Aut Periam

Either Win or Perish

I think it adds a fighting spirit into things and makes sense for me as when I go for something I have a tendency to over commit and go balls to the wall on things. Thus the game night of 2008 when I made my friends boyfriend quit playing a game after badgering him because we were losing. Yes, he was my partner in the game but he wasn't using his mind correctly to extrapolate the info I was sending him. Taboo can be a very competitive game.

I looked it up to make sure The Book wasn't pulling my chain and found that it is the official motto for the the Pursell clan.

Origin: Irish
Coat of Arms: Gold with a cross between four black boars heads.
Crest: An arm holding a sword on which there is a black boar's head.
Motto: Aut vincam aut periam

That is kind of cool.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 327 - the Other Woman

I kissed another woman today. It was first thing this morning and I saw her and couldn't resist. Diana, please forgive me but The Book demanded it of me and I am so close to finishing it that I had to do it.


Today was 'Love Mother Earth' day and I was tasked with kissing good ole Mother Earth so I ran outside today and gave her a big wet one. She is a sloppy kisser because my face was covered in dew when I lifted it. Maybe that is the KY lube of dear M.E. I hadn't thought about it til now but if you think of the Earth as one giant lady part and the grass is her...well, her grass then maybe the Earth just gets turned on in the morning and that is why it is so wet.

I wonder what my neighbors think of me.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 326 - DIY at home

Christmas Season is upon us and I am a Nazi about putting Christmas lights on my house. For the last 2 years I have braved my roof and, clip by clip attached my LED lights to the shingles in the most perfect way I can. If something moves I go back up and fix it.

My task today was to do some simple Do It Yourself stuff around the house so I decided it was time to test the lights and make sure I had strands that were working and ready to go for the upcoming task of lighting the house. In all I have three strands of 50 feet of lights that are wrapped on plastic wheels.

As my DIY I plugged in all three strands and tested to make sure we were ready and from the looks of it they all came on so it appears that Thursday or Friday depending on weather, I will be getting on the house for my yearly ritual.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 325 - Ballet

I had to learn a ballet move today and I chose one I had a chance of pulling off. My frame is not one built for ballet. My 6 feet and 240 lbs don't make for the most graceful of moves so I had to do a beginners step.

I don't recall the one I chose but it had something to do with standing with crossed feet and then jumping in the air. It wasn't too difficult but I felt kind of funny doing it.

Maybe I should have stretched first.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 324 - Photo fun

Look at this picture. What do you see? The task for today was to study this photo and write and send my interpretation to the fine folks at This Book Will Change Your Life (max 100 words).


Here is what I came up with. I am emailing this to them as well.

What happens when a sausage gets judged to be un-bunworthy? In the case of this sausage, it gets shunned and forced to sit in the window, watching its love, The Bun, get eaten without it. Their love was like that of Romeo and Juliet, to live apart would be unbearable. Poor sausage! Why must you only stare at your reflection in the glass instead of embracing oblivion at the teeth of death? Why were you judged unworthy and cast aside? Is that a tear on your skin or just left over hot dog water? Woe is Sausage.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 323 - Cold Showers ahead

This stupid book is cruel. Just days ago it told me I had to take a cold shower as part of Discipline Day and the next thing I know, Day 323 rolls around and lo and behold, I am supposed to do it again. This time it is the only thing for the task but I didn't much care for doing it when I did it before so I wasn't looking forward to it.

We had another kickball game and The Good, The Bad, And the Ballzy won a second game, this time against Where My Pitches At?. Afterward, I came home and decided now was the perfect time for the shower. I flipped the water to cold, hesitated for an instant, and dove into the stall and while my nipples tried to shoot out.

This time it wasn't as bad, I am assuming because my body was warmed up from physical activity. I stayed in for about 4 minutes and rinsed the game off of me. Kickball isn't very active but there is a bit of running and some throwing so it can be slightly physical.

The shower was not unrefreshing and I cooled off which made getting in bed much easier because it meant I didn't lay there sweating trying to adapt to the bedroom temp. All in all a much better experience from last time.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 322 - What a set of headlamps

For today I was supposed to commit the features of my most cherished love one to memory. Since Jessica Alba is a face you can't forget, I decided I would make sure my wife's features were locked into memory. Here is a graphic representation of her best features. Ironically, she left town today so I wasn't even able to really see her this morning before she departed.



First of note are her eyes. They are the color of poop and even though they aren't as pretty as mine, they are still nice to look into.

She also has nice teeth which were formed by years of metal and rubber bands pushing them to look like that. She even has a permanent retainer. It makes her smile work well with her mouth.

Her boobs are...wait. Stop looking at my wife's boobs!!! Those are mine, er I mean hers and you shouldn't be looking at them even though that shirt does push them out nicely. I must say I enjoy them immensely.

She also has a nice butt so I look at that but didn't get a chance to single it out in a picture.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 321 - Bond, Post Bond

I was supposed to post bail for someone today that had committed a pointless crime but just didn't have money to get themselves out. Well, I looked into this and couldn't find anyone that fit that description.

I live in Lewisville, Texas and the City of Lewisville is kind enough to post our criminals and their bonds on the website. However, I don't really want any of these dumb asses back out on the streets.

Three of these are detained with immigration, some have FAIL MAINTAIN FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY which I assume means they bounced checks or had no insurance, and some have theft.

My favorite was this one. He got cited with a bunch of stuff but I love that the cop wanted to stick him with everything including Squealing Tires. Who gets that ticket? A dumb ass that's who.


So, I guess I failed in bailing someone out today. I did due diligence in looking for someone but none of these people deserved it. I was really hoping I could find a jaywalker in jail and save him. Drat.

That is all,

Newt

I'm not a doctor so don't expect me to have patience

I consider myself to be an impatient person sometimes. I am aware of this but try to keep my cool and my head when I get frustrated. Yesterday was not a day where that happened. You see, the new Super Mario Brothers for Wii came out on Sunday and I rushed to Best Buy to get it. I love Mario and when I saw this game was not a 3D fest that the last few were, I knew I had to have it.


When I got home I made a giant mistake. It went like this, "Diana, do you want to play?" You see, the game is up to 4 players and even though my wife doesn't play video games, this was one I thought she could handle since it is a flat screen, run and jump game and not a first person shooter or a 3D world. She got her nunchuck plugged in and we went through a small training on buttons and use and were off on our adventure.

Women in general are not meant to play video games. I know this. Why I decided that yesterday I would put myself through an hour of torture is beyond me. Things started pretty badly, Diana was Luigi and decided instead of walking she would jump everywhere like a hyperactive cricket. I said "walk" and she bounced over my head and would die. I said run and jump, she crouched and then died and wondered what happened.

I tried to be patient, growing pains on any new game are guaranteed until you figure out movement and game play, but when your wife keeps jumping around and either getting you killed or making you run out of time thus causing you to lose, well, I snapped. By the end I was speaking loudly, I still contend it wasn't yelling, as she just slouched in her chair and laughed at how badly she was...which didn't help. I told her she couldn't play anymore and took the controller.

Megan, my kinda sister-in-law was there and she tried playing. Though she was better, she still wasn't good and I gave her half-an-hour before telling her to give me her remote. She caused me to die so many times I finally was at my breaking point. After ditching the dead weight I was twice as fast and effective and was able to beat the first world in a couple of hours.

I will contend that there are women who can game, many in fact. But the vast majority are useless when it comes to helping a brother out by bouncing on his head to get the giant coin that is too far up in the air. Also, the words, "I get the buttons confused" when there are only four of them is...well you might as well go get me an "I'm with Stupid" shirt because that shit is retarded.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 320 - You're Welcome

No need to thank me, your comments are thanks enough. What am I talking about? You don't know? Oh, well today's task was to make sure I leave this world having left something behind to be remembered by. And you're reading it.

I started this blog as a joke. For anyone who has ever wondered about the name, Newt the Wonder Frog was a nickname my father gave me when I was younger but I have no idea if it has any other meaning. Since my dad is a huge jokester, I thought it fitting to use the name as the title for my blog.

I actually began this as a burn on my wife and my best friend because they both started blogs and I thought I would make fun of them for it. Little did I know I would be the one to rocket off and become a huge blogger while they post randomly and without any passion. Thomas, who I won't even link to because he hasn't posted in months, will occasionally get serious about his blog and ask for ideas then follow it up with two posts and silence for months before starting the cycle over. Diana, my wife, does post sporadically but is more analytical in nature and her blog lives on the side of real life, normally ours.

I can say that unless I become something more important than what I am in terms of my job, I doubt I will be writing a memoir of my life in printing. Instead, I put my life out there, its crazy thoughts mixed with a bit of what I find funny and topped off with my spin on things. I don't claim it is always good or even necessary but it is here and I have written over 700 posts, which just blows my mind sometimes.

I don't hold back on this blog, I am proud to say. I write what I think and don't censor things very often, which I can't say is unique on the blogosphere. I do risk a lot by putting my name on here but I throw caution to the wind and hope no future employer ever Googles me before an interview or I would have some explaining to do.

So, I count my blog as the thing I will leave behind. If it makes someone laugh occasionally or brightens someones day, then I am making a small impact on the world. If not, then at least I get the crazy down on screen instead of leaving it in my head, which is probably safer.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 319 - Suburban Commando

I didn't wear underwear yesterday. Ewwww. I went commando all day and it was kind of weird.

My day started with a trip to the gym before showering. I didn't start commando until after my shower because I didn't want my ripe ass to get sweaty and not have boxers on. It would have just been cruel to take my swamp ass and sit on a crunch machine, every crunch spreading my cheeks and letting stink permeate the leather seat.

After showering I made a decision to wear shorts because if I wore jeans I would have ended up with chafing on the end of my peter. I don't think girls are aware of this but a pair of blue jeans rub oddly against a naked phallus and it causes the pee slit to redden and become uncomfortable. Cloth shorts do not cause this.

All day I avoided strenuous activity for fear of sweating and causing a wet spot to appear on my shorts. I did venture out to Best Buy for a few minutes but aside from that, I spent the majority of my day sitting in my chair. I was highly aware of my body during this time.

When I went to pee I was extra careful to shake vigorously as to not have a pee spot when I tucked back in. I was also more aware of zippers but no harm came to me and for that I am thankful.

I ended the night by sleeping naked, which is something I never do. As silly as it may sound, I am always afraid I will wet the bed if I sleep naked. I worry that since I pull my penis out of my shorts to pee, that the penis expects that if it is outside of clothing it has free reign to pee when it wants to. I haven't had an accident yet but I live in mortal terror that one day I will. I fear the day when he becomes self aware.

Now I'm freeeeeeeee!!!!!! Free ballin'!

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 318 - Dicipline Day

So, as a direct opposite from Friday, Saturday was Discipline Day. Taking the stance of a crazy pierced German with a whip, I was given instructions to maintain self discipline all day long.

Imagine the German is here to keep me in check.
Rise at Dawn: Ja
Take a cold shower: Ja, I did this and it was awful. I felt like I was sitting in ice and it kind of hurt
Scrub behind ears: Ja, they are clean
Scrub between toes: Ja, my tootsies are clean
Brush teeth for 3 minutes: Ja, Minty fresh
floss: shit, I forgot this one. Oh no, the crazy German is cracking the whip
cut your toenails: Sir, yes sir.
take your medicine: I don't have medicine as I am healthy
Jog 5 miles: I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical at the gym
Tighten your belt: It is one notch more than usual...and is kind of tight
Straighten your tie: my T-Shirt doesn't have a tie
Eat your sprouts: Nein, no sprouts were served
Say "please" and "thank you": 'Bitten' and 'Danke' were used all day
Look people in the eye: I worked at the comic shop all day and did this
Sit up straight: I stood all day
Be in bed by 10 pm: Sorry, there was a Texas Tech game on and I had to wait until 11. Please don't hit me.
Repeat every day: Nein! I will not do this. I refuse.

Well, I kicked the German out after I realized he was just in the leather and whips because he is a sexual deviant but I did hold myself to a decent amount of the rules. I also worked out my muscles at the gym as part of a work out routine and ate healthy at lunch and breakfast.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 317 - Indulge me

It was Indulgence Day on Friday and, within means, I was allowed to indulge myself. I did this in a few ways that weren't too over the top but still nice.

First, I wore jeans to work when I wasn't told I could. I used the excuse that I was going to work in the warehouse but that never happened.

I took a long lunch. A coworker and I went to Chick-fil-a which may not sound like much but in actuality is a pretty big deal since we have a 15 minute drive to get there. After eating we went to buy cookies for the office and I proceeded to eat 4.

I left work an hour early. It was slow and I purposely carpooled with someone who I knew had to leave at 4.

I drank a $60 bottle of wine from our Napa trip. It was a 2006 Round Pond Cabernet Sauvignon and it was delicious. We also opened a second 2006 from the Frank Family Vinyard that was equally good.

I also went a little crazy on ebay bidding on things I shouldn't but I didn't care since I was indulging myself.

Se la vie,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 316 - Ad-noxious

See what I did there with the title of the post? That is because yesterday I counted every ad I saw or was inundated with via the web. Armed with my handy notepad and pen, I ticked off the page while driving. I forgot to count the radio and TV ads but I can guess-timate that number. In total I had a combined 119 banner ads, billboards, and junk emails. I spent about an hour and a half in the car and switch stations a lot so I only probably heard about 20 radio commercials and only watched bar TV which is all sports or in-house games so I may have seen 10 more to add to the count.

So, with around 150 ads seen or heard yesterday I had to pick one and deface it. Billboards were out and I can't deface a radio commercial but luck was with me last night and I got a good opportunity to fight advertising. First off, we had our second kick ball game last night at 7:00 pm and The Good, The Bad, and The Ballsy(my team) beat Dicken's Cider 5 to 3; they say nothing beats Dicken's Cider but apparently that isn't true. After our loss last week to Respect My Balls it was good to have a game that was successful.

After each game we go to the Dyer Street Bar in Dallas and drink with the rest of the teams. There is karaoke(we sang 'Hero' by Enrique Iglesias), cheap pitchers, and free hot dogs. Last night, the good people of Samuel Adams Ale were out passing out free Boston Lager in Samuel Adams glasses. This was the most blatant form of advertising I had seen all day and to punish them for being so transparent about it, I stole the glass. To be more precise, my teammate stole the glass for me by putting it in her purse but it was my idea.

Behold my trophy for screwing over an advertiser.


That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 315 - Doctor, Doctor give me the news

How good is my doctor? Well, I don't really have one of those so when it came time to challenge my doctor with random symptoms I had to do what thousands of other Americans do and turn to the Internet, specifically Web M.D. Can it diagnose me? We shall see.

Test no. 1: What do you have when when you present a large growing lump in stomach, hair loss and bleeding from the anus?

Test 2: groaning, sound drunk: That one wasn't possible to do in the Web M.D. but if it was I would guess I would be hungover.

Test 3: mushy left eye, liver is palpitating, belly button aching. Again this was without any visible choices. Even I have no idea what the heck this one would mean. I would guess my eye is falling out, my button is opening up, and I am not sure what palpitating is so I can't even make a guess as to that.

Hell, I guess I am a doctor now.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 314 - Smile!

Today take a truely memorable picture.

I bought Diana flowers a few days ago and they were sitting on the mantle next to a picture from our wedding. I took a few shots and played with them a little to get this.

So I took a picture of a truly memorable day.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 313 - Riddle me this Bat-Man

I was supposed to be able to email a question to the makers of This Book Will Change Your Life but again the website has failed me. I do have a question though so I will ask it here and see if anyone can answer it.

"Over 300 days in and I am getting close to the end of this massive experiment. So, what next? What do I do when this is over? I don't want another daily project but I like the challenges that came with this thing. Maybe I can challenge myself in the future but I don't know. What do I do?"

That is all,

Newt

TBWYCL Day 312 - Write about now

I had an interesting task today. Pick a letter and write it on a page and just begin writing whatever you think of. I find I can be more creative when I have an iced tea and fluorescent lighting in a fast food booth so I went to my safe place at the Whataburger and took my composition notebook, and here is what I got.

The shake more closely resembles chocolate flavored sand then milk. It is cold as it hits the tongue before dispersing with the heat of the mouth and melting. There is a chill to the shop, five degrees cooler than it should be in an effort to stop patrons and bums from taking up permanent residence in a booth to take advantage of the free refill policy. The smell of bleach rises from the tables as they dry to a sticky film.
The Collective meets every Sunday, except on holiday if their kids are visiting or on two different occasions when medical issues kept one of them from attending. Maurie and Clifton started the Collective 17 years ago. Both had retired and on the first Sunday they didn't have to work, they each went to breakfast at The Punch Buggie and after an incident involving hot coffee and shared love of blueberry pie, they became friends.
Clifton had joined Maurie at his table and as they got up to leave, the waitress asked, "Did you solve all the world's problems?" Clifton said, "Not yet but we knocked out a few" and Maurie added, "There's always next week."
In 17 years they had only solved a mixture of the New York Times Sunday Puzzle, the punchlines to half a dozen dirty jokes, and what the doctors really meant when they said things were 'fine' which meant 'fine for now.'
James joined the Collective about a year after it formed. His wife passed away a week before and after running through the bread, milk, and the last of the potted meat he finally ventured out of the house and into The Punch Buggie for his first outing as a widower. After hearing a ruckus from another booth, he asked his waitress what the commotion was and she told him, "They're over there solving the world's problems".
"Do you think they could solve mine?" he asked.
"I don't know, but I bet they'd be willing to try. Hey dumb butts! You want some company?"
"Only if you mean you" Maurie replied.
Somehow James was invited over, he always suspected to settle a bet, and the two became three.

Today they were tackling slow drivers.
"What we need are pods," Clifton explained. "They would have computers in them, and you would just say where you wanted to go. Then it would link onto a track and, using a giant computer, it would know how to get you there fastest and then you just sit back and read the paper or play with yourself or whatever."
He looked over at Maurie when saying the last bit. It was a running joke between the three men that one of them was the smart one, one the lucky one, and one just played with himself all the time.
Maurie grinned at him and began to play devil's advocate. "So you're in your pod and you're going along. What happens when you have a heart attack?" His hand reached for his chest as if reliving the event of six months ago. "Would it know to take you to a doctor?"
"I suppose it could, or there could be an emergency button you hit that automatically reroutes you. With these new computers anything is possible. What do you think James?"
James sat in the corner of the booth looking over at the register. A new girl had started that caught his eye and the boys knew it.

"James, pull your head out of your ass!" Clifton's gravelly voice snapped him out of the daze and brought him back to reality. "She's 30 years younger than you, you old pervert."
"A guy can dream can't he? If Hefner can do it, I don't see why I can't."
"I'm gonna guess it has to do with your shrivelled pecker and your empty wallet," chimed in Maurie. "She wouldn't give you the time of day."
"Yeah, you're right," said James, "I guess I will just have to go back to playing with myself," which caused the three men to bust into a cackle that drew the attention from the entire restaurant, including the cashier.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 311 - Grave Side Service

I don't often find myself standing in a cemetery on a Saturday morning but today was out of the ordinary. Sometimes these tasks are stupid, sometimes funny, and occasionally they are serious and that is where today's falls.

I got up early yesterday morning and headed to the store to buy flowers...to put on the grave of a person I don't know. I had found a local cemetery in the area that I never knew was there. It sits on the grounds of a small church and is the size of a large back yard. It is so unimpressive in stature that I drove past it twice before finding it.

It was a saddening experience in a way. Not knowing anyone there it still made me uneasy to be on the grounds. I grabbed my small bouquet of yellow flowers and walked to the grave least tended to and started to feel like this was exactly the grave I was meant to see. Inside a hoop of rusted metal sat a single headstone. It was covered in leaves and weeds were sprouting out of the ground all around it. This cemetery wasn't a regal place, mostly dirt covering the ground, so the little tufts of green were easily visible.

I began to read the inscription on the stone and my body started to warm. Whoever this person was, they had a sense of humor about them. As I read the inscription,(see below) I couldn't help but think that the person who wrote it wanted to make sure their family didn't mourn them; wanted them to know it was OK to live life.



In case it can't be read:
LET NO TEAR ADORN YOUR CHEEK.
NO HEARTACHE FILL YOUR BREAST,
AS YOU STAND HERE IN THIS QUIET PLACE
WHERE I NOW LAY AT REST.
GO BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE
BEFORE MY GRAVE YOU CAME TO VIEW
REMEMBER, THIS WAS YOUR WORLD,
I WAS JUST PASSING THROUGH.
R. L. A.

I was surprised at how fitting this was to find while visiting a person I didn't know for a task from a book that they had never read.

I wandered around a little and when walking back I found I had been looking at the back of the grave stone. While all other stones had been facing the same direction, R. L. A. had been buried the opposite or the stone had been put in backwards, I don't know which.

R. L. A. was actually Robert Leslie Allen of the U.S. Navy. Born 1941 and died 1988. Before moving the flowers to the right side of his grave, I used the left over cellophane wrapper to scrape the moss off of his headstone and knock off the bird droppings. I whispered thanks for the words of wisdom and the service to our country and then got in my truck and left.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 310 - Egomaniacal no more

Friday was a day where I was meant to put my own ego aside and think of others and that is just what I did. A few days ago a co-worker asked for my help in the realm of comic books and I used today to put aside my own problems and help him.

He has a nephew that is 10 and is a big fan of comic books. He reads them when he can and has a "finger quotes" collection "end finger quotes". I put that in because he really only has a few but he is working on it, and just as I was a tadpole so to is he, and his will one day grow into a real collection. That is where I came in.

My co-worker knows nothing about comics outside of what he has seen at the movies so he enlisted me to find the perfect present for a 10 year old comic book fan. Working at a comic book store allows for a lot of extra knowledge on younger audiences so I sat down on ebay and began searching for what I think he would like the best. I actually spent a good couple of hours of downtime plugging away at this. I still haven't found exactly what to get but I have a budget and until Christmas to get something so I am not worried.

And I know that when he hands his nephew whatever it is He will be a hero and I am happy to help him. Take that Ego! You beautiful bastard!

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 309 - If I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars)

"If I had a million dollars
(if I had a million dollars)
I would buy you a monkey
(haven't you always wanted a monkey?)"

Well, I was supposed to pretend to be a millionaire yesterday but I was having a crappy day and didn't feel as up to this as usual. Honestly this entire week has been one giant turd with sprinkles on top. Aside from Wednesday where it was Super Comic Book Day*, I have pretty much despised this entire week.

But I am not going out without a fight and went and tried to live like a millionaire to the best of my ability. Sadly this meant:

Wearing a button down shirt instead of a polo
Eating at a nice restaurant for lunch
Eating out at a different nice restaurant at dinner
Eating $100,000 dollar chocolate bar...sort of.

Since I have a very small chance of ever being a millionaire, I decided I would use some ingenuity to at least put $1 Million in my pocket. So, after my kickball game last night I hit the local CVS and bought 10, count 'em, 10 100 Grand chocolate bars. Then I ate one which means I ate $100 thousand dollars.


Only us millionaires can do that.

That is all,

Newt

*Super Comic Book Day is the day where not only do I get regular Wednesday comics from my comic shop but I also get my monthly order of comics from a website I buy from. I run on that high all day long.

TBWCYL Day 308 - Health Meter at 3 hearts

I gave myself a physical today. My nuts are free of lumps, other than the regular ones, my boobs are also lump free, and my prostate was free of painful swelling...at least before the exam.

I was able to read the eye exam in The Book and my urine was also in the acceptable range for color. Slightly yellowish brown made it. I tested my heart rate after some regular activity which brought it to around 90 beats per minute. The Book said resting was 50 beats a minute and strenuous activity was 100-200 so that seems like normal.

I didn't test my sperm count because I don't have a microscope. I can say that it hasn't changed color or smell in all the years I have been producing it so that seems like a good sign.

After a few tries I was able to get my reflexes to spurt out. I used an ashtray to hit my shins which might be the reason it took more than one try.

I am the picture of health.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 307 - Well that was random

While driving to work I counted the buses I saw. There were 7.

At lunch I went and bought 7 candy bars, 3 Snickers and 4 Bags of M&Ms.

I handed out all of the M&Ms and 1 of the Snickers to people throughout the day.

I wrote down what they told me in response to the free candy.

I put the words into envelopes and sealed them.

I opened up the White Pages and picked 5 names at random and addressed the envelopes and mailed them.

Here is what 5 random people will receive.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 306 - Every Vote Matters

I have mailed this to Mr. Obama. After the 2000 election debacle it was deemed this is necessary.

I also voted for a best teacher in Dallas today so I am a voting fool today.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 305 - Unsung Heroes

Today I am supposed to highlight an unsung hero and I can't think of a better person to highlight then Lola Lakely.

Lola is a fellow blogger that somehow or other I got connected to and I love her. She is my unsung hero for so many reasons. First off she is the living embodiment of Jessica Rabbit and is one of the only red heads I can say I find attractive. She is also certifiably crazy.

Read her bio of herself and tell me she isn't loony toons. She is a 14 year old frat boy with an alcohol fixation and commitment issues. For example, she has rules for dating that would give any psychoanalyst a thesis to kick start their career.

1. Never see the same person two weekends in a row.
2. Once you've made a date with someone on a weekend, make sure you relegate him/her to a weeknight next time.
3. Leave Saturdays for meeting new people.
4. Don't hook up with your friends. This only leads to feelings. Yuck.
5. If you are too drunk to drive and must sleep over, make sure you leave before breakfast the next morning.
6. Never, ever go to a wedding with someone you are dating.
7. This one should be blatantly obvious but just in case- No meeting families. EVER.

She is also good for a laugh as she weekly goes out and does things that are not only ridiculous but also humorous. I would link to those posts but it is about half of her blog. She is the first to admit this and writes about it often.

Beware introducing your boyfriend to her as she steals them like I steal hearts. Her reputation is pretty sketchy on this front.

Now, as to why she is my unsung hero: she is not afraid to risk life and limb for a laugh. Anyone who does that is in the hero category automatically, hence the Spider-Man obsession. She drunk texts, she wakes up with paint in her hair and doesn't know where it came from, and she has a reputation with the local restaurants and convenience stores that know her by name.

She is my hero,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 304 - Party Octopus

As you may know, I am a comic book junkie. I love them in all aspects, from the flashy stories to the insanely unrealistic costumes and body types. I read every genre available but I focus mostly on super heroes and specifically favor Spider-Man. I have always connected well with him.

A few weeks ago a friend and I were talking and I was discussing how you could go as Dr. Octopus (a Spider-Man foe) for Halloween. As you may also know, I am an obsessive person and once I start thinking about something, chances are I won't stop until I have figured out how to do it. So, Sunday afternoon I went to the hardware store and bought a load of supplies in which to create my own Dr. Octopus arm harness and thus have a costume. Let me be clear that I had no party to go to and no intention of wearing it on Halloween but I wanted one and I was going to build it no matter what.



As Halloween drew nearer, some friends announced that they were going to have people over and they would dress up. Eureka, I have a use for this massive thing I have built. Diana needed a costume and we determined that we could cheaply throw together a Wonder Woman outfit if we could just find a tiara, some wrist bands and a pair of red boots. Using the craftiness at my disposal we found a few things in the children's foam aisle at Michael's and I whipped out my Exacto knife and some needle and thread and presto chango, I have a super heroine for a wife.



So, to my task. I was to be the last man standing after a night of partying and with my friends that is not too difficult. We went over and had food and drinks and watched college football. Three people were down and out by 10 p.m. which left just Diana and I with the two other couples. They decided to put in 'Planet Terror' and turn the lights off which knocked out one girl and they left as the movie ended. We left shortly after them so we were officially the last couple to exit.

The couple that left before us lived about 20 minutes closer than we do so by my estimation, by the time I got home they would have been home and in bed. I can only assume my friend did the same thing by going to bed which would mean my 1 a.m. bed time got me as the winner and official "Last Man Standing".

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween. Our friend Erin has her birthday to share with All Hallows Eve and so I wish her day was especially grand.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 303 - 60 minutes of wedded bliss

Friday I was tasked with setting aside an hour out of my schedule. It didn't say specifically for any one thing so I took it as open to interpretation. My wife has been working oppressive hours and I haven't seen much of her so I took the opportunity to set aside an hour to take my wife on a date.

Before dinner we determined we needed to go shopping to locate some stuff for Diana's Halloween costume (more on that in the next post). After hitting the shops all around town and the local thrift store, we had nothing and were getting hungry. We got to the Macaroni Grill around 7:30 p.m. and heard that there was a 45 minute wait and thus we left to go find a quicker meal. If you aren't familiar with Jason's Deli, it is a chain of salad bar/sandwich restaurants that are all over the U.S. and that is where we ended up. They have a seasonal Frito Pie that I adore and that is just what I ate.

By this point we were tired but still needing to hit one more place before going home and so we journeyed across the street to Michael's Craft Store and lucked into a lot of what we needed for Diana's costume.

I wanted to set aside an hour to take my wife to eat Italian and instead took her on a hunt through town and stopped in at a deli. Date night has sure changed since college.

That is all,

Newt