The truth about Slander

Well, I think I hurt Thomas' feelings with my last post because he went and tried to be mean to me in revenge. Darn it if he just couldn't do it very well. I know everyone is on the edge of their seats wondering why I lashed out like I did. Well I will tell you.

Thomas won't come see me. Boo Hooooo!!!!

That's right, I wanted Thomas and Jess to come here for New Years so they could celebrate it in our brand new house and maybe help unpack. I mean, who wants to spend their New Years in Midland. There is nothing to do there aside from a bar, a bowling alley, and a drive in. So what if he already told people he would be there. Who cares if he doesn't get to see his family. I am talking about pleasing me. That is more important. I was going to find something so super awesome to do, but now I guess I don't have to now.

So Thomas, I sure hope sitting at home on New Years Eve is all kinds of fun because as you're doing it I would hate for you to regret going to Midland. I would hate to think you were sitting there, about to get ready for bed because no one came up with anything to do.

Merry Freakin' Christmas and a effin Happy New Year,

Newt

Slander

I am pretending to be annoyed with Thomas so I present to you The Slander of Thomas.

Thomas is a loser. He is so stupid he couldn't even get on the special bus. And have you smelled his breath? Whooo!!! I think he must have hypnotized Jessica into marrying him and I am still trying to figure out the secret word that will get her to wise up. I am fairly sure he always has Swamp Ass, at least that is the only explanation that I could come up with for his raunchy odor.

He is a raging hornball in real life. He goes around hooting and hollerin' at all the girls he sees. I think he slept with one of the Jacksons, though I can't tell if it was Micheal or LaToya because they look so similar. What is up with his kumquat fetish? There for a while he used to have them all over his room and I had to sleep downstairs when he really got going.

Finally, he never chews his food all the way. This may not seem that bad, but after he swallows he always asks "Did it go down?" and when you say yes he always replies "That's what she said." Oh, and I know for a fact that three cheerleaders in high school were rumored to be carrying his love children... and they all had the clap. You do the math.

Well, I guess that is enough bullsh...facts for today. Maybe next time, Thomas, you won't be such a loser.

Courage.

Newt

Can I be gay?!?

Do you ever wish you could be gay but just not have the sex? It seems like the perfect scenario. I watch 'How I Met Your Mother' and one of the guys loves those pink drinks w/fruit in them but he can't order them because he looks gay when he does it. So they go to a gay club and he gets to drink his drink without getting judged.

I will make some confessions now. First, I liked High School Musical. Yes I have the soundtrack and I secretly want to go see the show when it comes to Dallas. Yet I won't. I could definably get away with it if I were gay though. Also, I kind of like Celine Dion but I can only listen when she is on the radio(Or in private. Shh, don’t tell).

Also, if I could be gay without the sex, I would finally be able to dance. I think it is part of the gay gene. Another thing, I doubt I would have to ask Diana if my shirt and pants matched if I was gay. And when I go by myself to see 'The Devil Wears Prada' I won't be looked at funny.

Yep, I think being gay would be great as long as I could keep my poop shoot closed. I mean, I have a Hetero-life partner anyway. And yes, I am reading Sex in the City and I am enjoying it.

That is all,

Newt

So, How'd you meet?

I have recently been bombarded on the web with this website for a company called 'True'. There is always a picture of some really cute girl in a bikini or something like it and it says 'Live, Love, Learn'. It is always the sidebar for my Hotmail account and uses the same couple of girls over and over again.

After viewing this stupid ad for the umpteenth time I just have to ask, "Do dating sites work?" I have only met one person who has used one and she told me that it was awful. She was my neighbor in college and got in the rut of being a divorced thirty year old in Lubbock, Texas. After she told me she had used one, I think it was Match.com, she said all the guys on there were losers or were so far away that it was impossible to see them.

I hate to generalize people who use these sites because I am sure that they hold some value, but I just wonder how far down the dating ladder you are when you use them. I have to imagine that the people on these sites are introverts with very few options left to them. I, being an extrovert, have never had any real trouble meeting a woman so it is hard to put myself in the shoes of someone who logs on to eHarmony or True. To me, it seems like if you have exhausted your available pool of people, maybe it is time for a change in lifestyle.

If you are always sitting at home watching TV, maybe you should turn off the computer and go outside. If you live in a town where men or women aren't readily available, move. If you are the fat guy or girl living in your parents spare room, move out and go on a diet. Maybe this is harsh but its true. I have known so many people, ex. Tim Burleson, who never moved out of the house and got bigger and bigger while simultaneously loosing personal skills. He stayed in a dead end job at Albertsons and is more than likely never going to make anything of himself.

Again, a generalization, but if you are having trouble meeting someone, should you really turn to other people who are having the same trouble or instead go look for the people who are doing fine in that area and try to adapt. Really, if you aren't bringing anything to the table, no one will come to eat.

That is all,

Newt

What's up with Racists?

Has anyone noticed that there have been quite a few racial slurs by celebrities lately? First Michael Richards blows up on stage and yells the N word over and over from out of nowhere and then Andy Dick tries to make fun of it and it is so awkward that he ends up having to apologize.

Now, MSN is asking the question, “Were Rosie’s comments racist?” Is this some sort of celebrity epidemic where they see a racist and see how much press it gets so they jump on it and start spouting racial slurs? And should they apologize?

I don’t want it to sound like I support racism but clearly, if you feel that way then your apology is somewhat tainted. It’s not like Kramer was saying something and let the N word slip in there. He just kept yelling at them. Then he goes on TV and explains that it just started pouring out of him and he feels so ashamed.

Really? That is your excuse? If you’re racist then you’re racist. If you feel bad about it then maybe you should apologize but if you are a racist then you wouldn’t have a problem with what you said. None the less, celebrities need to keep their mouths shut.

That is all,

Newt

Savin' Money

As most of you know, we are buying a house. And this means we will need to start being more responsible with our money. Well, I like to be proactive so this morning I started considering ways to cut back and make things last longer.

While doing this I thought of one way to save water. The phrase "If it's Yellow let it mellow, if its Brown, flush it down" instantly popped into my noggin and I thought of how many flushes we really use just on pee.

Then my mind began to wander and I thought, "Does that work for the color blind?" Well, I assume it does but just in case I made up a colorless version of that lovable limerick.

"If it's water, let it sit. Only flush it when its..."

Well, you get the idea.

That is all,

Newt

Mouse Trap

Last night Diana and I went to Target(pronounced Tar-je cause its French) and in an impulse buy that was completely Diana we bought the wonderful board game, Mouse Trap.

Side story for you, when I accidentally burned my old house down I owned this game. As they pulled my smoldering toy chest out of the window of my bedroom, pieces of the game were melted together in a multicolored conglomerate of trap. I haven't played it since.

But hey, I am a man who gives everything another chance and I did love it. We came home and started playing, but as neither of us knew the rules, it was time to break them out and read them. I have just one question. "How in the Hell is a child supposed to play this game?" There are so many different steps to Mouse Trap. First you have to make sure you get cheese pieces, you only build part of the trap if you land on a space that has the correct number of players, you get stuck on this circle that never ends. I didn't know what was going on.

Luckily, I still beat Diana so fast that she couldn't see straight. I just have to say, "Damn, Hasbro"
That is all,

Newt

It's my Homey!

For those of you who haven't heard, Diana and I are buying a house. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind because all of this got decided pretty quickly. We found a cute place in Lewisville, Texas that is a 3br, 2bath with a small yard, a garage, and a great kitchen.

Tonight we went and finalized our mortgage and will be closing on it in a few weeks. This means moving again. YEEHAW. I hate moving. Hate it. Packing, lifting, unpacking. It sucks. We do seem to always get rid of stuff when we move so clutter goes away to some extent, but it is very little.

I am excited about getting our own place. Hopefully I will grow up a little bit and be more responsible. Though I doubt it will make too dramatic of an effect. I have had to deal with all sorts of adult stuff in the last few days. Finding homeowners insurance, doing a house inspection, signing papers. But in the end, I am very excited. It's one hell of a Christmas present.

Well, I have been busy so that is my reason for the lack of posts.

That is all,

Newt

I love Bacon!

Kevin Bacon that is. Last night, Diana and I went out with some of her friends to a place called 'Pete's Piano Bar'. Pete's is a bar that has two pianos in the center and people play almost any song imaginable.

Well, After two of three beers and a Jager-bomb later, Footloose started and, if you know me, I love me some Footloose. Diana's friend Mary Alice got up and started dancing and I just had to get up and dance with her.

I heard someone say 'Now this guy is serious' and I looked up and one of the piano players had a flashlight shining on me. They were waving me up so I ran up on the stage and got in between the pianos. They picked up playing the song again and I preceded to do the Footloose dance, or at least a version of it, on stage in front of everybody in the bar.

I must say that I really didn't notice the crowd watching me while it was going on. When they finished the song, the two piano guys said, "I don't know if you need it, but go to the bar 'cause a shot is on us".

I went to the bathroom and had people telling me, "Nice Dancing" and got a shot from a bartender, though I have absolutely no idea what I drank. It was awesome and just goes to show you that dancing isn't a sin. Eat that John Lithgow.

That is all,

Newt

Half days are da Bomb!

For anyone who hasn't seen the news, today a cold front swept into Dallas and is holding us hostage. I am sure Fox News and CNBC are going to call this "Frost on America" or something. When I got up this morning, it was cold but the day progressed to an even more windy and freezing day and at 12:30 my office was told to go home.

I LOVE when you get sent home. I am on salary so it just means free time with pay. It rocks. I wasn't busy either so it is even more cool. I went an got a haircut and read comics and made a pot of chili. Next up I might throw in some Wii time and get my Scrubs on because it starts again tonight.

YIPPPPEEEEE!!!!

Newt

My lady's out of town...and boy is my hand tired

Well, it's that time again. Thanksgiving. Sad to say Diana had to go out of town and leave me to work on Friday. On the big day I went to Boston Market to grab some turkey & mashed taters and bought a pecan(pronounced pe-can not pe-con) pie.

Also, Thursday started the Legend of Zelda play off. Hence my hand being tired. Oh, wait a minute. Did you think...? Perverts. That's not what I meant. I have just been playing with my Wii for the last couple of days. No, not that Wee. My new Nintendo. I have to say, you're minds are in the gutters.

N-E-Ways. I worked yesterday and spent some quality time with the dogs. I was disappointed that I couldn't go home, but what can you do. I had to call and get someone to tell me how the Chocolate Chip Pie tasted but other than that, I guess I will make it. One great thing to come out of staying home is my discovery of a show on Bravo called 'Top Chef'. I hate reality TV but this show Rocks.

Happy Thanksgiving to all,

Newt

What a Dick!

More on the night that was ‘Wii night’

To my right was this 17 year old who was a huge Dick. Not only would he not stop saying Wii, "I can't wait to go home and play with my Wii', "If I didn't get a Wii, I would die", and my favorite "I wonder if they will make a miniature version called the Wee Wii', but he was stupid. Who comes to a Wal-mart in November to sit outside in just jeans and a jacket?

He just kept saying how excited he was. He even brought a laptop and was playing ‘Legend of Zelda: a Link to the Past’. At points in time, you could really tell that this kid was a Dick. Here are some examples.

A) He received a phone call that his friend’s dad had just gone into full renal failure. When he got off the phone he asked me if I knew what that entailed and I told him that I believed it was when a person’s body shut down before they died. He proceeded to say “That sucks, that might be something I have to get out of line for.” What? Seriously? Later, he had some friends come visit him in line and told them. Then he said he would just take his new Wii to the kid with the dead dad’s house so it would cheer him up a little. As if you would say “Well, my dad just died but I sure could go for some Wii Golf.”

B) The guy’s grandfather came up to Wal-Mart to go buy him something to eat. As soon as the old man dropped the two cheeseburgers on the ground next to him and the kid didn’t say thank you or even look up from his computer. The old man just walked off and the kid didn’t even care.

C) The last thing that irked me about this kid was that he is 17, lives at home with his parents, and is cocky. I don’t remember what I was talking about but I heard him say something about how expensive his cell phone was. I asked him how much it cost and he said he paid $90 for three people. I said “You pay for three people?” and he said “Me and my parents.” I was surprised and asked “You pay for your parents” and he told me “Well, no. They pay for me.”

By the end of the night, I actually called him a huge Dick to his face. He thought I was joking but I wasn’t. He got a call from his friend who’s dad is dying telling him that he couldn’t stay over because his dad was in the hospital and his mom wanted him to be able to just leave. The Dick got pissy about it and started saying, “Well wouldn’t his mom want someone there who has a car? Then he started complaining about how his parents would get mad if he came home because he had said he was staying over at the guy’s house. I looked at him and asked if it was the kid with the dying dad and when he said yes I just looked at him and said “You are a huge Dick!”

You never know who you will meet in line for a Nintendo but I can tell you that some of them aren’t that special.

That is all,
Newt

Wii the People

I have been lax in my posts. On Saturday, at 4 o'clock, I started my sit in to get the Nintendo Wii. I took one of those lawn chairs with a food rest, a granola bar, and some reading material and got in line behind 15 other great Americans who were eagerly awaiting the release at 12:01 of the coolest gaming system ever.

Around 6, my lovely bride to be brought me a sandwich and my computer so I could watch 'Cars' and have something to occupy the next six hours. Surprisingly, she wasn't eager to sit out there with me. The one thing she forgot to bring was the blanket I had asked for, and as it was around 55 degrees and no sun was out, it was sorely missed. She did give me the picnic blanket we had so I couldn't complain to loudly.

Let me just say, that if you stand in line with 20 other people, you get to know the people to your left and right. That is not always a good thing. I have loads to talk about with this guy but I will continue that in another blog.

At 11:50, the voucher guy finally showed up and made a stupid comment about how he had some vouchers for sale and then said he would just throw them in the air and whoever got one could go in. Finally, he handed out our vouchers and 20 minutes later I own a Wii.

I was cold, tired, and extremely excited.

That is all,

Newt

I saw a Jap flip an egg

No, I'm not Michael Richards. I went to eat this afternoon at a Japanese restaurant where they prepared the food to order right in front of you. I went with a large group so we had an entire table/stove to ourselves.

I was in awe when the chef came out. He started by throwing rice on the stove and then took an egg and spun it. He was able to take a spatula and flip the egg in the air, sort of like a soccer player with a ball. Then he used the spatula to crack that puppy onto the stove.

He also made me some tasty shrimp and some Angus beef that was delicious. The finale was called a volcano. He took an onion and stacked it like a mountain and poured liquids into it and then as they began to react he lit it on fire. Flames were shooting out of this onion and didn't stop. He just held a lighter there and flames kept shooting out. It was crazy.

I don't know that this is really an interesting event but I know I was impressed. Then again, I get distracted by shiny objects so that doesn't say much about me.

That is all,

Newt

You went to see The WHO???

Thats right folks, Diana and I rocked out oldie style on Friday night and went and saw The Who. That legendary rock band that gave us such hits as 'Pinball Wizard', 'Who are you', and 'My Generation', and it was awesome. The Pretenders opened up for them and they were just so-so but The Who rocked the house.

For a band that only has two of its original members, they were on. Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend are old but they jump around on stage and can still play like they are in their twenties. When they played 'My Generation' it blew me away. They played for two hours and really knew how to throw a concert.

There were 5 screens suspended above the stage and as the songs changed, the screens would alternate images that went along with the songs. During 'My Generation' the largest screen had images of different races and moments in history that cycled throughout.

Some funny stuff...we saw one woman that, as the Who were about to finish up, she was reaching her hands out and crying. There was no reason really, she just couldn't contain herself. We also say a woman that got so into the music she was thrusting her hand out and singing when no one else was.

All and all, an awesome concert and I can now say that I have seen The Who in concert.

That is all,

Newt

Pay it Forward

Yesterday, I was driving in a neighborhood that is not the most upscale when I stopped at a red light. I was on my cell phone with the blood bank, they were begging for a pint, when I hear a man screaming at me.

I look to my right and asked the lady to hold on a minute. I cracked the passenger window and he yelled, "Hey man, can me and my wife jump in the back of your truck? We need a ride to Northwest HWY." As I was going that way, I said "Sure".

Now I know what you’re thinking. Newt, how stupid can you be? You don't let strangers ride in your truck. Well, I agree and that same thought occurred to me after they had already jumped in.

The guy was probably 40 with a shaved head that held a couple of day’s growth, as did his face. His wife, however, took the cake. She wore pink spandex pants and a tiger striped coat. She had bleach blond hair and looked like she was coming off a two day binge.

The ride went just fine, other than I looked in my rearview one time and saw them kiss which was disturbing. I got them to the street and pulled off the road to let them off. They yelled "Thanks Man" and the woman said, "Have a blessed day. Thanks for paying it forward."

Am I strange in thinking that the fact that she said "paying it forward" is the weirdest part of this story?

That is all,

Newt

Worn Out, Tired and Busted

Well Howdy. What a weekend. Thomas came down and we had a hella weekend that will be remembered until our dying days. Let me give you a definition:

def. Nirvana - a state of being caused by Rocking Hard, getting your inner nerd on, and drinking on someone else's dime.

And that is what I achieved this weekend. By Sunday, I had obtained from Wizard World Texas 2006.

1. An assload of signed comics by the likes of Ed Brubaker, Steve Epting, George Perez, and J. Scott Cambell
2. A copy of The Watchmen as well as a Black Cat mini series that I have been looking for.
3. a Thing Mini Bust that rocks(pun intended).
4. an original comic book page signed by the tracer, I mean Inker.
5. Three copies of Ultimate Alliance in which I sold one and gave one to Tommy Boy.
6. Tons of original sketches, which I plan to post on.

All that for about $200,

I had an awesome time and it really makes me miss not being around Thomas more(hint hint Jackie, move to Dallas). I can't wait until next year and maybe this can start being a yearly event. Who knows.

The other two people involved in this weekend have touched upon most of the things that happened over the last couple of days so I will leave the details to them.

That is all,

Newt

Bowling On a Wednesday

Well last night was the kick off party to start our Bowling league at work. I have been trying to get a Wednesday league together and the bowling alley we are having it at let us have free bowling night to try to generate interest.

It didn't work. I only had 20 or so people say that they were even coming and when 7 o'clock rolled around, it was only about 10. This thing has become a losing battle. I try and try but no one seems to care. People keep dropping out of the league and while I hoped to have about 4 teams, I ended up with maybe two.

But I am still hopeful. I bought my own bowling shoes last week and I plan on showing up next Wednesday for week 1 of our tournament. At the end of it, we will all get a free Bowling ball.

That is all,

Newt

PS, starting tomorrow Thomas and I will have up to the minute(or more likely day) coverage of Wizard World Texas 2006

To the Love of My Life

Recently, there has been an outpouring of Love on the blog-o-sphere and it has made me want to write how much I love Diana.

Diana,

I love you. You are the greatest thing in the world. Along with our two dogs, one of which is newer than the other, we have the greatest life ever. No, we don't have a house yet, but when we do our lives will only be better. I love everything about you...well, not necessarily everything, but the majority of things about you.

Not a day goes by where I don't love you more and more. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I can't say that I am content in our love. Why would you want to be when we can make it grow as time goes on. The love we share is everlasting and awesome.

It's weird to think that we have been shacking up for little over a year. It feels like we have been together for a thousand years, yet it has only been a few(which haven't really felt like that long but kinda were). We have lived together for over a year, not officially starting our lives as husband and wife, but we're close. I will make you an honest woman one day.

Love,

Newt

In conclusion to this sappy post, if you gagged or were in any way disgusted by reading this PDA on your PC, then you get an idea of how we felt when reading Thomas's latest post.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. Diana told me I had to write this

Peanut, Peanut Butter, Jelly

So, last week I went to the grocery store and decided to be adventurous. I bought all natural Peanut Butter. It comes in a glass bottle and the oil from the peanuts is sitting on top of the butter. And, after opening, you have to refrigerate this stuff.

I rushed home and snapped that lid off the jar. MMMMM!!! Peanuts. I got a big knife and began stirring the oil back down into the butter. I don't actually know if this was the correct action to take, but what the hey. The consistency of real PB is not the same as Jif. It is much creamier and not as thick. I bought crunchy so mine came with extra chopped nuts.

I smeared a big ole glob of it onto a couple of slices of wheat bread and dived in. What? It tastes bitter and grainy you say? That's right. I am an idiot because for some reason I thought that if you took real peanuts and smashed them into a paste that it would magically gain a sweetness. From where I have no idea.

I now know why Peanut Butter & Jelly are such a popular combination. Organic Peanut Butter is very tasty once you know what to expect. It is growing on me.

That is all,

Newt

Anxious

Before I left work today, I got told that a few people I work with were let go this afternoon. I actually work closely with two of the people laid off and was very surprised to hear about it. I have never been fired(I don't count the time I broke the Taco Villa sign) so when I heard about this it really shocked me.

You know that feeling you get when you just barely avoid a car accident or you are sitting in class and the teacher picks the guy next to you to answer a question you didn't know the answer to? That's the feeling I have. I almost feel like it could have been me or something.

It is very strange to have people that you just talked to all of a sudden no longer have a job. Plus, I didn't learn about it until it already happened which made it even more unbelievable. I guess I am lucky, or at least luckier than the people who got canned today.

That is all,

Newt

Oh, Oh, Oh, it’s Magic..

Diana, Erin and I went to see a local radio DJ/Comedian on Saturday at a restaurant called Dave and Busters named Dean Lewis. As part of his stand up he likes to do a couple of magic tricks. One of his tricks was as follows.

He took a clear plastic envelope and filled it with a bunch of cards with names on them. These were all his ex-girlfriends names and the cards were all folded in half. Also in the bag were three sticks of gum and a handful of copper and silver coins.

He began by taking the bag to a table and asking a girl to pull out one of the sticks of gum. She read the gum and it said it was Winterfresh. Her boyfriend then ate the piece to verify it. He then asked her to point to someone else in the audience and she pointed to a friend at her table. He asked the friend to pull another piece of gum out of the bag. She read this piece and ate it. It was Spearmint. He then asked girl #2 to point to another audience member and the girl pointed at ME!!

He came up to me and asked me to take the last piece of gum and then take a coin. I pulled the final stick and a penny. He then asked me to take one of the items and give it to another audience member. I gave the gum away. I was also asked to point to someone to have him or her pull a name out of the bag. This name was going to be ‘used’ though we didn’t know for what.

He continued walking around the back of the room and made three people pull names to verify that there were different names in the bag and he also had two guys pull coins.

Prior to this trick he had a small manila envelope that he had brought with him when he started his set. It had been on the table behind him the entire time he was on stage. He gave it to a girl in the front row at the beginning of the trick. After verifying that the names were random he asked the woman with the envelope onto the stage.

Myself and the two other guys holding coins, along with the guy who pulled the name were all standing. The guy with the name read the card he had drawn: ‘Rhonda’. The comedian then asked what coins the guys had, both were silver, as well as my copper coin. He also asked the guy I gave the gum to too open it and read what it said and then taste it. It was Juicy Fruit.
He pulled the envelope open and began to read. It was as follows:


That is all,

Newt

Phil Noto & Steven Rude

I had an interesting experience today. A couple of weeks ago I got an email saying that Steven Rude, a comic artist and writer who has written some really great stuff over the years, was going to be at Lone Star Comics in Dallas today. It was a signing that was 5-7 so I got online and ordered a few comics to get him to sign.

So, being the uber nerd that I am I took off work today at 4 to give myself enough time to get to the store and get in line early so I wouldn't be there all night. I arrived at 4:30 and no one was there. I asked one of the guys that worked there if the signing was today and he said yes. I was a little surprised that there was no one there but didn't worry to much about it because I was shooting for a sketch from Steven Rude and when there is a line, it is hard to get anything.

Then the clerk told me that they had also added Phil Noto (http://notoart.com) to the list but it was short notice. I was pissed. I didn't bring any of his stuff to get signed and wasn't happy. I did buy a Graphic Novel of his to get signed and thanks to my favorite cousin, Kristy, I got some online help that lead me to a cover of Captain Marvel Vol 5, issue 4.

The artists plane was late so they didn't actually arrive until 5:30 but even then it was only me and one other guy to meet the two of them. When they arrived I got introduced to the both of them and we actually had a small conversation. They sat at a table with some of their works on it and me and this other dude sat on the opposite side. For almost 2 hours I sat across from these two amazing artists and got to know them.

FYI, Steven Rude is a weird man. He is absolutely full of himself and at one point even said "I don't read new comics. I go back and read my old stuff because I know it is good." Phil Noto, however, is a laid back guy that was easy going and I could definitely see hanging out with.

I have never had a conversation with a comic artist and to have two of them all to myself was the ultimate. I got to hear how they got into comics and ended up with a load of stuff signed and two amazing pieces of art(only one was free). This made my day.

That is all,

Newt

The Breakdown

To finish off stories from this weekend I bring to you "The Breakdown."

My truck has been acting funny. On Sunday, Diana and I decided to go to lunch at Whataburger. As we got in the truck, I turned the key and this weird noise was made. It sounded something like a Locust in my ignition. However, the truck started.

It drove fine and we stopped for gas before heading to Whataburger. We went in and ate and lunch was just lovely. Then the trouble started. That noise that came from my truck, well it returned. I tried to start the car and every time I turned the key, a plague of Locust's started buzzing. The problem is it didn't turn over and we were stuck.

I am in no way a mechanic but to make it look like I was knowledgeable, I opened the hood and pretended to try to fix things. This involved periodically popping my head over the hood and telling Diana to turn the key. An older gentleman came up and told me that it sounded like my battery was dead and we played with the cables. He left so I did the only thing I could do. Diana and I walked to Wal-Mart and bought a new battery.

If you ever want to look White Trash, go take a walk with a battery in your arms. We got back to the car after walking three blocks and it was time to install the battery. Another little tidbit about your good buddy Newt, I only have two tools in my car; a flat head screwdriver and a monkey wrench that looks like it would be used to murder someone.

I used the wrench to get the battery cables undone and when I went to remove the battery, it wouldn't budge. At first I thought that the battery had attached itself to the casing, but upon further review it turns out that there is a block that keeps the battery in. The only wrench I had was way to big to get the nut off. We were stuck.

A guy came by and asked if we needed help and he had a toolbox. Yippee!!! Too bad none of his tools were the right size. He had a couple of wrenches that worked but they were too awkward to fit. After everything was said and done we had to walk over to the Target that is across the interstate and buy a set of wrenches.

In the end, we got the car started and I threw my arms up in celebration. The people leaving the parking lot laughed at us.

That is all,

Newt

I now respect Lee Ann Womack

If you read my last post (which of course you did, how could you not?) then you know I was at the Texas State Fair on Saturday. It was the last Saturday of the fair and to close it down they brought in Country Music sensation Lee Ann Womack for a free concert on the Chevy Main Stage.

Diana and I met up with a couple of friends of hers to watch the concert. I would never have paid to see this show, but as it was free I felt my time was not being wasted. I will preface this by saying that the concert was at 8:30 and it started to get both cold and windy right before she went on.

Mrs. Womack came out wearing a loose pink shirt and started singing. I started respecting her when a) I found out she is from Texas and b) she drank beer (I believe it was Shiner) in between songs. I also came to realize as she sang that she has a lot of hits under her belt.

She sang 'I May Hate Myself in the Morning', 'I Hope You Dance', 'A Little Past Little Rock', 'I'll Think of a Reason Later', and '(Now You See Me) Now You Don't'. She also sang a cover of 'You Don't Know Me' that was very good.

The wind picked up half way through the show and I expected her to give up and go in. This brings me to my second reason I now respect Lee Ann Womack. Instead of leaving, she made someone go grab her a sweater and she kept on trucking. She actually ended up singing for over an hour and it was an awesome show. If she came back I might actually throw down some money to watch her again.

This ends the Texas State Fair edition of the Lily Pad,

That is all,

Newt

My Fair Lady

I always say that I hate Fairs. I hate the high prices, the crowds, and the rigged games. Oh, and Carnies. I can't stand Carnies. They don't have teeth. It's like they can't go to the dentist because they are always traveling.

Yet Saturday, after work, Diana and I went to the State Fair of Texas. We searched out Big Tex, rode the Giant Ferris Wheel, and ate. That's right, we ate. I had a Corny Dog, some of Diana's Nachos, a Hot Dog, Funnel Cake, and Tornado Taters. Oh, and a Corn on the Cob. We also rode this tiny roller coaster that was more like something at Joyland.


They had a world famous Playing Card stacker that was building the Dallas Skyline out of cards in a glass room. You could watch him stack the cards and it was amazing. We also went on a tour of the Women's Museum and saw a History of Marilyn Monroe Exhibit. Keep in mind that this was after we had walked in the 5K that morning. My feet were killing me.

And that's not all,

Newt

Everbodys Walking for the Weekend

This was a busy weekend and for the next few posts I will tell you why.

I had to work Saturday. I went in at 5 a.m. and worked until Diana picked me up to got to the Dallas Chapter of the Susan G. Komen Walk for a Cure.

I think I may have stumbled across the best place ever to pick up women…The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer walk. I don't know the exact number but it was estimated that around 25,000 people were at Saturday's Walk and I can tell you that it was not a sausage fest. I would estimate that 90 to 90% of the people there were women.

Diana and I partook in this 5K walk and I am proud to say that I finished it in about an hour. As I was walking I could see how a single dude would clean up at this thing.

First, you have to wear pink. Women love pink...can't get enough of it. There drawn to in like moths to a flame.

Second, by doing this walk you look sensitive. Girls will assume that you a) walk for someone who has/had/died from Breast Cancer (and they love the guy they have to take care of) or b) you are sensitive to women's plight. Either way they dig it Baby!

Seriously though, it was very impressive to look directly in front of me and see a street completely packed with people. It was like a moving sea of heads. Many people had home made shirts for ones they have lost; others, just a piece of paper to say why they were there.

I was thoroughly tired by the end of it, and after breakfast I had to go back to work. Then there was...well I guess you will just have to read the next post.

That is all,

Newt

UPS Bingo

Well, Friday night I experienced something interesting. You know when UPS tries to deliver a package and you aren't home? They leave that little slip that says they attempted delivery and you can call it and tell them to hold the package at their pick-up. Well, we did the Komen Breast Cancer Walk this weekend and the shirts we were supposed to wear were being delivered by UPS. We weren't home when they were attempted delivery so Diana and I had to go to this UPS Delivery Center to get them. This is where the fun starts.

The store is only open from 8 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. When we got there, the line was very long. The doors hadn't opened yet so everyone was waiting. It felt like I was in line for concert tickets. As they opened the doors, I heard a woman yelling, "We will be calling out names and you must verify your address before picking up the package."

We all crammed into the UPS center and this little woman began looking at names on packages and screaming them out. If your name was called, you had to yell "Here" and they put your package in the line to get verified. Keep in mind that this is all done in a half hour.

People kept trickling in as we were standing there. Of course they saw the line for address verification and got into it. When Diana's name got called, she jumped in line and I stood by the door. Every time someone came in I just told them to stand to the side and wait for their name to be called.

This idiot from Best Buy's Geek Squad kept going, "Well this is great" and "What kind of system is this?". I wanted to ask him what his idea would be. Did he really want to be in a line where each person hands their slip over and a UPS person goes looking for the package? I was actually impressed with the inventiveness of the process. It was funny to see people get so excited to hear their name called.

That is all,

Newt

Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D

On Wednesday, I was at the comic book store and they had free passes to go see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D. I actually own this movie but they re-released it in selected theatres starting today and one of the KISS stations was putting on an advance screening.

So, last night Diana and I went. I have never watched a 3-D movie and it was an experience. It was similar to the 3-D rides at Six Flags & Universal Studios. Since the movie wasn't made to be 3-D it wasn't as impressive as some of the rides I have been on, but the definition was cool and there were certain scenes that popped out at you.

The best part is it was free. My eyes were hurting when it was all over and the glasses weren't the best. The frames were skewed. All in all, I wouldn't have been too disappointed if I hadn't seen it but it was still fun.

That is all,

Newt

Entering the Dreamscape

It's that time again. I had a dream last night that I thought I would share...

I walked over to the house next to my Granny's old house. The owner wasn't there and the house wasn't the actual house that is there in reality, but was a mansion. Inside, the man who lived there was dead. (How I knew that, I don't know). I went into his house and it became the next day. Someone came up and told me that he had no heirs and that I had just inherited this man's house.

The next thing I know, a nonprofit charity was setting up a garage sale to get rid of a lot of the junk in the garage. They came in and built shelves in the garage to put things on and began a garage sale for the charity.

Thomas and Jessica came by after the garage sale was finished and we decided to tour the house. Inside was this elaborate library, with bookshelves that went floor to ceiling. Every book imaginable was included on the shelves. They wrapped around the entire room. In the middle of the library were smaller display shelves. One large set of shelves had all pull out sleeves that contained DVDs. In fact, they were all of the DVDs ever made. We walked around finding globes, statues, and collectibles.

Thomas told me that he needed to go to a bookstore to buy some book and we left. We went to the bookstore and they didn't have what he needed. I looked at Thomas and said, "Why don't we just go back to my Library and if I have it, you can just take it."

We decided that it was the best idea. When we got back we discovered a couple sitting in my new kitchen. The woman was crying and looking at a piece of paper. I walked up and asked who they were and the woman said, "This is my father's house and you have stolen all of his things." I looked and she was right. All of the stuff was gone. A door was broken in the library and all of the books, DVDs and statues were missing.

The woman told me, "You owe me $65,000." Then I woke up.

This goes to show you that I will never be rich because someone will always take it away from me.

That is all...and isn't that sad,

Newt

Candy Bar Lines

So here is an interesting question. I was eating a miniature Snickers a few minutes ago and I looked at the bottom (flat side) of the bar and noticed the lines that are on it. To me they look like the squiggly lines that converge in the middle into a multi-line W.

This begs the question: What are those lines for? Are they strategically placed for grip of the bar? Are they there to let air pass under the bar to allow the chocolate to harden? Are they a secret code that, when broken, will reveal what the hell Nougat is?

I DON'T KNOW!!! I haven't got a clue but if it is on a Snickers bar, does that also mean my Milky Way or Three Musketeers might have this affliction? I need answers.

That is all,
Newt

CSI: Crime Scene Imagination

Thomas likes to assign homework for weekend blog posts and I cam across something interesting this morning that I need help with. As I was walking the dogs this morning I came across an interesting scene. Behind a set of bushes was a series of objects that, in my opinion, look to be the scene of a mugging. However I have doubts.

Thus the challenge I pose to all of you. Below are two 'Crime Scene' photos that I took of the area. I will list out the contents of the scene and I want your hypothoses on what happened.













The 4 circular objects are plates(2 to a package) wrapped in newspaper. This was found early in the morning, but the newspaper was not moist from dew.

There were a pair of regular handcuffs(not trick or plastic) tangled around a string of sparkly black beads. Handcuffs were missing keys. Both cuffs were shut.

A black purse was open and empty. Its contents looked to be scattered around the purse. Purse was from general department store per tag inside. Inside pocket of purse contained one cigarette lighter.

Contents of purse consist of compact, regular makeup accessories.

Not shown is one small tube of what I believe was super glue. It was the size of a pinkie finger.

I didn't move anything other than to check for an I.D. in the purse. It is important to mention that the newspaper was wrapped completely around the plates. I could find no broken plates and the newspaper was still firmly around all plates, even though they are scattered. There were no visible footprintsm though the ground was moist. There were two cars parked next to the scene and neither were broken into.

I am eager to hear your opinions on what may or may not have happened here.

That is all,

Newt

Alas, poor Katy. We knew ye...not so well

Well, yesterday afternoon we got the call from Katy's owners. They lived across from us in another building of our complex. I took her to her owners last night.

I have to say that I think they aren't very good dog owners. When the man called, he didn't seem too worried that his dog was missing and said that they had no idea how she got out. He also didn't say thank you for keeping her or that he was sorry for the trouble. He was supposed to be home at 5:30 so I could bring her over and at 6:30 I called him to ask if he was home.

When I walked her over, his wife was coming to my apartment to grab her and when I talked to her, she told me that Katy thinks she got out when she went to take Katy on a walk. She said that she was going to take Katy out when her husband told her that he had already walked her. Apparently this was all while she was at the front door and Katy slipped out and the woman just shut the door without realizing it.

She did say thank you but she never apologized for the inconvenience. She also almost had Katy run off on her again when she took her off of my leash because she didn't bring one for her. All in all, she didn't seem that worried about her dog.

So we are back down to two dogs.

That is all,

Newt

What the...Another Dog?

Diana was out walking the twin terrors when she found a Basset Hound wandering outside. Her name is Katy and she looks to be about 2 or 3 and I am fairly sure she has had a litter of puppies recently. We called the number on her tag but as of yet there has been no return call.

Diana said I could keep her if we don't find the owner. Isn't she precious? I'm sure her owner will call but until she does, we have a third dog to care for. Just remember that Diana brought it home, not me.

Internal Monologue

Does anyone else walk around with an internal monologue running in his or her head? I have always been aware of a voice in my head. It is a friendly voice and keeps its comments mostly towards narration. I almost feel like Kevin on the ‘Wonder Years’.

You know. I get up from a chair and my internal voice starts voicing that I am going to the restroom, having an internal conflict that causes me to need to pace, or vocalizes the need for a cookie. As I said, I always hear it but I guess I never listen to it. It’s a forest through the trees scenario.

The reason this comes up is that my vivid imagination, along with my internal monologue, has been extra noticeable the last couple of days. It flares up when I get frustrated or angry; also when I have a large amount of alone time.

I can only assume that crazy people have this same affliction but are not aware that it is their own thoughts that they hear. I constantly pretend that the voice is actually a narrator telling an imaginary audience what I am thinking, as if I really am the star of my own TV show. I come up with overly descriptive wording for the most mundane things; trying to give unimportant actions an air of severity.

I can only imagine that there is an actual person out there whose mind is silent. His thoughts consist of 'pick up that pencil' and then that’s what they do. I am glad I am not that person because personality is bred in the mind, and if your mind is silent so is your wit.

That is all,

Newt

Fly me to the moon...or Lubbock

This afternoon, I journeyed to the land of plenty, Lubbock, Texas. I came for a recruiting event and anytime that I fly to Lubbock or Midland, I sit at Love Field and look around for anybody that I know. This is especially true when I fly for recruiting because the chances of someone my age going for the same reason is much more likely.

The reason behind this is that I hate running into people that I vaguely know. This includes former classmates, coworkers, and church members. Actually, that last one is just talk as I can no longer step into a Holy Temple for fear of my skin bursting aflame.

Anyhow, one such occasion occurred today. I was sitting and reading a book when a girl that I had a couple of classes with walked around the corner of the airport. In cases like these, I would normally just hide behind my book or not make eye contact in hopes of avoiding that awkward conversation that always follows seeing people you semi-know ?

She recognized me, however, which caused a small conversation, which causes me mild discomfort. Here are the things I remember about this girl. She was bubbly in class, not incredibly stupid, very friendly, and she is a Christian. I actually forgot her name and I guess she forgot mine too because she threw in a “I’m Jennifer, in case you didn’t remember.” Luckily, she got a call from a friend who just found out she was pregnant and I was immediately forgotten.

I can’t think that I am alone on this. Does anyone else find it unbearable to try to have a conversation with a person you care nothing about? Am I expected to save her a seat on the plane? I hope not because I instead sat next to an elderly woman that smelled like sour cream.

That is all,

Newt

Daydreaming

So, this afternoon I walked outside with the dogs and a fairly attractive woman in a bikini was walking past the door. I don't think she noticed me but as soon as I turned and walked the other direction my mind began to wander.

Now for those of you reading this, my post will not be erotic. I know, you're saying to yourself "Dammit, I really wanted Newt to describe some pornographic sexual deviation to me" and to that I say "call me". But alas, my daydream was not so graphic. Here is what my mind created after seeing the pretty lady.

After walking away from the bikini clad woman I hear her turn and look at me. Immediately she is attracted to me. Who wouldn't be? Me in a pair of khaki dress pants and a orange polo and my babe magnets hooked to their leashes. She runs(in slow motion) towards me and says "You are so hot. I want you right now."

I look at the bikini clad vixen and say "I appreciate that but I am engaged and I don't believe my fiancee' would go for that." I can tell that this woman had been around, as me being betrothed doesn't seem to be a stumbling block for her. "If you don't tell, I won't", she replied.

Again, I am flustered but keep my cool. "No, you are very pretty but, as I said, I am engaged." I try to say goodbye and begin walking the dogs when she grabs me and attempts to kiss me. I fight her off, which is not easy as she has sun tan lotion all over her, and Duncan, Hazel and I leave frantically.

When we get back to the door, she is there. Trying to get me to let her into the apartment. "Just this once" and "Don't you want to have one last fling before you get married?" come out of her mouth. "No", I shout and squeeze through the door.

The point of this blog is that I am whipped. Any other person would probably have fantasized about having sex with said bikini woman, yet I instead fight her off in my own head. Even as I was changing out of my work gear, I made up how she busts into the house and catches me changing and I force her out of the room.

Thinking back to past girlfriends, I remember times when I would wake up from sex dreams before anything started to happen. Why? Because I felt guilty about cheating on my girlfriend with a dream woman. Now that's commitment.

That is all,

Newt

Keep it a Secret...Please

Yesterday, Diana and I went to Victoria Secret and when we got in line to check out, the woman in front of us was arguing with the teller. She was trying to return something she had bought (It was a red negligee) and the teller was telling her they couldn't return her item. She proceeded to say that she had just bought it and the fabric was already frayed at the edges.

The next thing I heard is the cause of this post. I heard the teller say
"We can't return this because it is soiled".

She then pointed out the stains on the item and a manager was called and agreed that they couldn't take it back. The woman was not happy and kept trying to explain that she had just bought it and that it was fraying out. She wouldn't take the fact that it was stained as a reason for not taking it.

When we got up to the counter, the woman was leaving. I turned to Diana and told her "I have some boxers with bacon strips in them. I should run those back to Old Navy." Our cashier was extremely uncomfortable and just kept saying, "Let's just not talk about it anymore". Both the women that helped her were applying Antibacterial gel on their hands.

That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan & Hazel - Trash Day

I got to sleep in this morning. Diana got up earlier than I did and was nice enough to leave the dogs outside the room so they wouldn't wake me up. If only she had remembered to close the bathroom door. I can only imagine that it went something like this.

"Man, Duncan, I sure wish we could get in bed with Dad."
"I hear you Hazel. I wanted to get a nap in under the bed."
"Wonder why Mom locked us out?"
"Maybe they are mad. I know, let's do something nice for them."
"Like what?"
"Well, the bathroom trash has really been piling up. We should take it downstairs for dad."
"I don't know Hazel. Remember the last time we got in the trash? My ass was killing me all day."
"Yeah, but this time we just carry it in the bag and don't pull it out. Then we should be good."
"Well, I suppose it's worth a try."

Duncan and Hazel go into the bathroom and start to lift the trash bag when they start fighting over who gets to carry the bag.

"Give it to me!"
"No, it was my idea. Give me the bag."
"Hazel, stop pulling on the bag, you're gonna rip it."
"Give it to me."
"Stop it!"

Below is the result of the good deed.

BEST WEEK EVER

You know that VH1 show 'Best Week Ever'? I think I am in the running for winning this week.

When we were driving home this weekend, Diana got a call saying that we had won a free trip for our honeymoon. Someone(we still don't know who) threw our name into a drawing that won us either a 3 day/2 night trip to an all inclusive resort or a 7day/7 night trip to a condo. We did have to go to a presentation for Waterless Cookware first, but it was entertaining and I, of course, had to have the pots too.

Then Monday afternoon, I was sitting at work listening to The Pugs and Kelly Show on the radio when they asked people to call in if they could name the cheerleader on Heroes. I knew her name as she was in both 'Ally McBeal' and 'Ice Princess'. I called in and won. I got a gift card for $100 to Sony Style.com, the TV edition of Scene It, and Season 1 of 'The Office'. I had to give Erin 'The Office' because I already own it and she fixed the holes in my pillows. Sorry Thomas, you were next in line if she didn't want it.

Adding to Monday, I had an awesome comic book week that set me back a pretty penny but was definitely worth it... new zombie Graphic Novel that I have been waiting on. I have been reading a really great book and work has been overly tolerable. Plus, Erin took me to dinner last night, cause she is cool like that, and we hit the Walgreens and bought fancy chocolates to sample. Wheeeeee!!!!!! All in all it has been a good week so far.

Now that I think about it, maybe I just had the Best Day Ever but I have enjoyed the rest of the week so I will stick with my posts title.

That is all,

Newt

Office Antics

There are many days that I hate my job, but I can't help but love my coworkers. Today is one of our top salespersons birthdays. He is always bringing in jobs that are difficult, intracate, or just a pain in the ass. He makes the Accounting office's life Hell and is known as one of the busiest sales people in the office.

So to say Happy Birthday, his Custome rep came in a little early today.














That is all,

Newt

Do Do-ing

By looking at the title of this post you may think I am about to talk matters of the butt. However this is a language post.

Have you ever had someone say "You don't do that" in which you reply "Yes I do. I do do that." I find myself saying this from time to time and my silly, adolecent mind can't help but chuckle over the term do do. Is it because as children we refered to any type of fecal matter using this term? Is it because when I tell my dogs to go crap I use the same term? Yes.

I try to come up with other ways to say that I do something. Ex. 'I perform that way' or 'I am guilty of that offence'. But saying I do do something makes me laugh. Are there other terms that have this same affliction? I can't think of any, and if there are I doubt that they have the conotation to taking a dump.

Anyway, that will finish off my weekend. I am off to Lubbock to see my HLM Thomas. If you read his latest post you might thing that the H in HLM stands for Homo. It does not. It is still Hetero as of the last time I checked.

I hope you do do have a good weekend.

That is all,

Newt

Write On!

If you haven't heard of Half Price Books, they are a chain of used bookstores that sell every kind of book imaginable, as well as used DVD's, CD's and Records. While we were in the largest on in Dallas this weekend, Erin picked up a sheet that told of a contest that they were holding. HPB is having a children's book writing contest where you submit a story to them for their annual book "Say Goodnight to Illiteracy". The winner or runners up get gift cards for the store.

Erin, my good buddy, decided she might submit a story, and me being competitive decided to make it a contest and challenge her. So, I am pulling out a piece I wrote back in the 9th grade and am going to submit my book and hopefully place in the contest. As I told Diana, I don't need to win, I just need to beat Erin. Sorry Erin.

That is all,

Newt Shakespeare

"The Last Kiss" - an opinion

Sunday Diana, Erin and I went to see the new Zach Braff movie "The Last Kiss". For those of you who haven't seen it, Braff's character is about to have a baby with his girlfriend, he is afraid of marriage, and at a wedding he meets a college girl who makes him consider cheating.

The movie was very good and, in my opinion, realistic. Diana and Erin expressed that they didn't like it because they didn't end up liking Zach Braff's character. So, when we go to the movies, are we supposed to like the main character or is it ok to hate them and still enjoy the movie.

The film is a metaphor for relationships. Through a number of characters there is a divorce, an affair, a break up, a casual sexual relationship and a couple at a crossroads. Rachel Bilson, who plays the college love interest, has some classic lines that really bring out the stupidity of love at 19. She makes a mix tape and spouts off lines like "I don't care about before or after, I just care about now."

I recommend this movie, but when you go to see it don't expect "Garden State" because you will be disappointed. This movie offers a realistic look at love from so many different points of view that every person should be able to connect with one of the characters.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. You get to see Rachel Bilsons nips and that was worth the price of admission

I'm so glad I'm not single

Recently, I have been surrounded by people that are single and I get to hear about all of the trials and tribulations that go along with singledom. Let me just say that I do not miss being single. I have so many single friends of varying ages, ethnicities, and sexual orientations. Being 24, it seems that in this day in age it is hard to find a significant other.

Dallas is a competitive market. I will start out by saying that dating can be hard. I just finished "Love Monkey" which is all about dating at 30. Some of the situations that the main character get into are beyond me and I asked myself "What would I have done?" and there were no answers.

My good buddy Erin(f) is currently looking for love in all the wrong places. This is because she has only been at work and home. Short supply of men. She is always telling me that she can't meet a guy and I just think "Thank the maker for Diana" because I don't want to have to try looking around Dallas for another lady.

I have a friend who is 30 and hasn't found the right one(though that is because she left him, at least that's what he says). He goes out clubbing and finds an "occasional hottie" but he can never find a girl he wants, but he continues looking.

I also have a friend who is 45 that is currently in "a friendship" of sexual proportions. He and his "friend" were dating and decided to go platonic and still get it on. She is always calling him, and aside from the title they are in a relationship. He just lives in denial about the entire thing. We have tried to convince him of it but as long as he can dip his "pen" in his friends "ink" I guess denial is a good river to swim in.

All in all, I don't miss dating. Sure the first kiss was always exciting, and the initial phase of any relationship has a lot of hope built in, but once you settle down with some one it is such a comfort to not have all the BS that goes along with dating. Plus, I still get to use all of my pick up lines. Only now its when I am trying to get into my fiancee's pants instead of a strangers.

That is all,

Newt

Death Day

One year ago today my Granny Nan passed away. So I guess that makes today her Death Day. We buried her ashes this summer in Georgia next to my Grandpa.

Its funny that we celebrate friends and family on their birthday, but when people die it seems like the day they die is a sad day. I don't know if I should be unhappy today but really, today was better than yesterday.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I was walking down the street where my Granny's house was and I got to the door and there were cars in front. I went in and she was sitting on the couch. In the dream she was dead too, so I went up and put my arms around her and yelled "You're alive!" She told me that her cruise ship had crashed on an island and that, while people on the ship had died, she and her friend had survived.

The dream continued and people kept coming in and congratulating her for being alive. It was all very somber and surreal. I sat on the couch in her living room, and for just one moment I let myself believe that her death had been a dream. Then I woke up.

This is the only time I can ever remember having a dream where Granny was in it, at least since her death. I thought it fitting that in my dream she was not only alive, but healthy and had an air of happiness to her. I know if I had survived a crashed cruise ship, I would be happy too.

Oh, she was also in a flowery dress. I can only assume that she hadn't changed out of her island attire.

Love ya Granny.

Newt

So, I was like, and she was like

I hate the word 'like'. I wish Webster would come up with a new word to replace 'like' and then the simile will have to be changed, but I can live with that. This post comes partly from the fact that Diana is out of town, which means that I can razz her about this and not get hit.

The love of my life, the woman I am going to marry uses 'like' in almost every sentence she makes. I know this because it has gotten so bad that I began counting them when she is conversing with someone. I hate it. I think that every person that does this needs to take a step back and realize that it needs to stop.

The worst is when someone is telling you something and they say, "Bill hit the dog, and I was like..." WHY!!! When did it become necessary to transition with this stupid phrase. There are so many ways to say things. Use 'as if' or 'I responded' or 'and then I told him'. This isn't a criticism of Diana though. It is a criticism on humanity. I personally stop myself from doing this and it can be difficult. So I made up a rule.

If you are speaking and the words coming out of your mouth are things you wouldn't write down in an email, then stop using them.

No one types an email and during it writes, "Well, I'm sitting and work, and like, there is the cutest girl so I went up to her and I was like "Hey". And if you do then you are an idiot.

That is, like, all,

Newt

The Hai-Karate Kid

Well, if any of you have read my good buddy's blog recently you may have noticed that he almost used the teachings of Mr. Miagi at the Tech game last weekend. This made me think of how, in the past, if I really tried I could make Thomas mad enough to punch me. I can only remember this occurring a couple of times, but I bet he really scared those dudes if he did like he use to. First, he turns kinda red and then he bites his bottom lip and his eyes bug out a little bit. Don't make him angry, you won't like him when he's angry."

So, I present my rendition of Thomas getting into a fight.

Thomas, a lanky red headed American male, is walking down the street when from behind two masked hoodlums come up and scream "Give me your wallet." Instantly our hero leaps into action. Donning the amulet that gives him power, Thomas instantly transforms into THE HAI-KARATE KID.

Turning on his attackers, he begins to stare them down and starts tossing out Verbal Jabs of Justice. "Wallet? Dude, I'm married. I gave that thing away on my wedding day."

Stunned, the thieves momentarily drop their guard. "And why would you pick me anyway. Idiots. I'm wearing ratty jeans and a shirt I got at Goodwill. Do I really look like Mr. Moneybags?" He throws his hands in the air with a sarcastic flair.

Thief A starts to get nervous. This is taking longer than he thought. "Look, just give us all that you have." But NO! The Hai-Karate Kid will have none of that. "Look, I'm sure this isn't going the way you planned so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna walk this way and you two genius' walk that way and then we will just pretend this never happened."

"No way man. We want your money."

HKK is getting frustrated. The vein in his forehead begins to pulse. "You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry." In fact, they didn't like him at all. So they beat the shit out of him and took his money. Luckily he is poor so not much was taken.

The End.

That is all,

Newt

The Princess Bride

Last night, I finished reading The Princess Bride and it was great. Lots of action, great adventure and it was very funny. The reason for this post is to declare that the writer, William Goldman, is a genius. Why? you ask. Because everything he wrote that talked about himself or his family, or S. Morgenstern was all B.S. and yet it sounds so real.

For those who haven't read it, Mr. Goldman wrote this book under the guise of it being an abridgment of S. Morgenstern. The "original" book, which he claims was read to him by his father when he was a boy, was said to be a history of the city of Florin and written by S. Morgenstern. Neither Florin nor Morgenstern exist. All made up.

The family that Goldman talks about in his preface, his wife and son, are also made up. All throughout the book, Goldman has break ins during the narrative where he goes into some minute details of what he cut out of the book and why. Except the original never existed.

He even goes into the legal details of the long lost sequel to the book, Buttercup' s Baby and why he is being stopped from abridging it. He claims that the Morgenstern family want Steven King to adapt it because he has family from Florin and visits there often. Luckily, Steven King was nice enough to give him a shot at abridging the first chapter, which is published in the books 25th Anniversary Edition. Again, all fake. None of it happened.

Were a just a tad bit more gullible, I would have bought it all hook, line and sinker. Luckily I researched it a bit and found out that William Goldman is a liar. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have read books before that were done in this manner, but I have never fallen for this ploy until I started reading The Princess Bride. Plus, I may have found the passage I want read at my wedding.

That is all,

Newt

I've made a terrible mistake

I am very uncomfortable right now. I just got back from seeing 'Snakes on a Plane' and realized that it may not have been a good idea to face my fear of snakes by watching this movie.

Going in, I was very excited to start the show. Then a thought crossed my mind. "Wouldn't it be ironic if someone let snakes loose in the theatre during the show?" From the second preview my feet didn't leave the back of the chair in front of me. Not to mention that it is really dark in those theatres.

And another thing. Surround sound with snakes really makes it sound like snakes are under your chair. At least once during the movie I had to cover my mouth because I was moaning with fear. The other time I covered my mouth was when a woman got bit on the tongue when she was screaming. That, however, was just a knee jerk reaction.

I will say that I was pleased with the movie and it wasn't nearly as ridiculous as I expected it to be. I am pretty sure that sleeping won't be in the cards for me this weekend though.

That is all,

Newt

Arrested Development

Well, last night I finished the third and final season of Arrested Development and I am sad. This was a show that got so much critical acclaim, and yet no one watched it. I watched a few episodes of it when it was in its second season, but I never really got into the show. Now it is cancelled and I own the entire collection and it is awesome.

For anyone that likes humor with a dry, witty edge to it then you would love this show. The dysfunction of this family is beyond the depths of anything you can imagine. One brother is a magician with no skill, one a mamma's boy, and one tries to help the rest succeed. Add to that a sister who is trying to save her marriage(though not very hard) and two cousins who sort of have a thing for each other and they all live in the same house.

The basic premise of the show is that the Bluth's are in trouble. Their company is being investigated by the government, George Sr., the father, is in prison for a number of crimes, and Michael(the responsible one) is left to pick up the pieces of his family and their business.

There are so many memorable things about this show. Henry Winkler guest stars a lot, and in one episode actually jumps over a rubber shark. A one armed man frequently appears in flashbacks teaching the Bluth children lessons. Even Scott Baio shows up as a lawyer named Bob Oblah(say it fast and you will get the joke). Oh, and David Cross plays a therapist turned actor who is gay and in denial about it.

I wish I had known about this show from its inception because it was great and I would have loved watching it. Oh well, I can now watch it at any time.

That is all,

Newt

Silly Cousin

Well, I decided I was going to drive up to Plano and see my cousin, Kristy. So I called her around 4 and asked if she would like to have dinner. She said "Sure, but I am going to be at a Happy Hour until 6".

So I came home for a while, loaded up the dogs, and at 6:05 I called to tell her I was on the way. She was still at the bar but said she was going to leave soon so I drove to Plano and found a Barnes and Noble to go wandering in until she got home. Around 7, I bought a couple of books and then headed to her house thinking that after an hour she would surely be home. Nope.

I called to see where she was and she still hadn't left the bar. I waited at her apartment complex and walked the dogs when Kristy's friend and coworker, Kristen, called and told me to take the dogs to her house and then we could meet up. I drove to her apartment and her husband, Jeremy, met me. We grabbed Kristy's key and dropped the dogs off and then said "Screw the girls, we're going to eat".

I ran by Circuit City and made an impulse buy of a Camcorder that I got an awesome deal on, and then Jeremy and I went to Freebirds. At 9, Kristy still hadn't shown so I grabbed the pups and headed home.

The moral of this story is 'If you are going to visit your cousin, don't leave until they are home'.

That is all,

Newt

JELLO Shots

Today is my cousin Kristy's Birthday(Happy Birthday Kristy) so this weekend we went out to eat. Her friends threw her a big dinner at Saltgrass Steakhouse and after it was over, we went back to one of her friends to party.

The main attraction at the party, aside from cousin Kristy, were Jello Shots. I was told that they made 150 and when I left there were zero. Good times. I was really showing them how to throw them back. The next day, however, I learned of a side affect of Jello Shots. I call it the Jello Shits. All day yesterday, I was running back and forth to the bathroom because the large amount of hard liquor mixed with the rainbow of Jello Flavors that I had on Saturday really did a number on me.

The party wasn't the only thing that happened. In the year that I have lived in Dallas, Kristy has worked at Circuit City. When they change out the CDs in the listening station, the employees get to take them home. Knowing this, I will now tell you that I learned that my cousin thinks I am gay. Or at least I assume she thinks I am gay because up until Saturday, she has never offered me a CD and that night she did. She looked at me and said "I have a CD in my car that I got from the listening station at work. It is the soundtrack to 'High School Musical'."

Huh? High School Musical? Not Ja Rule? Not Dashboard Confessional? The only CD I have ever been given is High School Musical? Well, I guess I must be gay because I said "Yippee", or maybe I am just a 13 year old girl. Jury is still out on that one.

Well, those were the highlights from my weekend. As I am bacheloring it up, the fact that anything happened at all is promising. So on that note...

That is all.

Newt

Am I a Racist?

Something happened to me this afternoon while at lunch that has been weighing on my mind all day. While driving back from lunch, a coworker and I were discussing travel to other countries and she said "My husband wants to go to Asia but, I don't know why, I have a mild distrust of Asian people". This prompted me to blurt out, and I have no idea why, that I am afraid of black people.

The silence in the car was horrible. Not only did I just say something that could be taken to be extremely racist, I also caught my coworker off guard. I knew she didn't know what to say but she turned and said "Really?" I came back with, "Well, only black men. I am not scared of women or children", and we then discussed how the African American male has perpetuated an image of violence with music and actions.

Now please don't take this post as a commentary on how black people are bad. That is not what this is. It is actually a look into my fear, and during the ride back to work something came to mind as to what might have caused me to feel this way.

I am not really scared of black people. At least not in any general sense. If I were walking down the street and a black male was coming my direction, I would not run screaming like a baby or, less dramatic, cross the street. However, if a black male that looked like 50 cent were to be coming my way, my actions might change. This said, I will now explain what I think may have started this "fear".

In the sixth grade, I knew a kid named James Williams. He was black and lived in my neighborhood. He was an underprivileged kid, at least compared to me and he lived two blocks from my house. Every day, we rode the bus to and from school. I was always dropped off at the bus stop early so when the bus arrived, I got on it fairly quick. James did not. When I got on the bus, I would go to the back and sit in the seat that only held one person. We all know that seat. The one that was coveted above all others.

One morning, I had gotten seated and was minding my own business when James got on the bus and told me that he wanted the short seat. I told him no, as I was already sitting there and was quite happy in my seat. He and his brother, Ray, proceeded to taunt me about giving him the seat and I still refused. As we were waiting for the other kids to get on the bus, James stood up, came over to me, and tapped the top of my head with a text book. To this day I can remember the feel of that book hitting me on the head.

After the first tap, he said "Get up" and I stood my ground and said "No". He dropped the book again and this time it was harder. It never hurt, but when you are twelve and everyone is watching, pain is the least of your concerns. I told him if he did it again I was gonna stop him. And he, of course, dropped it a third time. I jumped at him and we tussled. Not fought, just tussled. He jumped on my back and help my arm down and I was about to slam him into the emergency release bar for the back door when the driver ran back and broke us up.

We stayed separated for the rest of the ride and were taken to the principal as soon as we arrived at school. I do not remember what James' punishment was, but I was given three days of In School Suspension(Turns out I liked it though so it really wasn't a punishment). I despised James and his brother from that day forward.

The irony of the whole situation is that I(a white kid) was defending the seat in the back of the bus from a black kid. That hit me today. Up until then, the social humor never occurred to me. James was exactly the kind of guy that I am "afraid of". Not necessarily afraid of the person, but of what they can do. Hell, I don't know. I guess I never really let go of the anger I had. Not only because of how helpless I felt, but also the stereotype that I formed without even meaning to.

I know that I am not racist. I don't feel that a person's skin color is their defining factor and I know that it, in no way affects their ability in any way. I guess that I just have an issue that needs to be acknowledged and moved past. I hope that by realizing where the problem started, I can make sure it isn't an issue. Funny where a conversation can lead.


That is all,

Newt

Grocery Store

Hello All,

I went to the grocery store this evening (Thomas, the list is forthcoming) and as I was going to get milk, I saw this idiot was standing there blocking the fridge and talking into a cell phone. This really wouldn't have bothered me much except I wanted milk and he was more involved in his conversation than getting the milk he was blocking. However, this post isn't about the guy on the phone or milk. It is about a one legged man with an anger management problem.

The idiot finally got out of my way and I went and grabbed my half a gallon when I noticed that an older gentleman was standing two doors down near the Half n Half. He was a white guy around 65 and had a prosthetic left leg that had both a sock and a shoe on.

Why wear a sock? That was my first thought. Not, "Wonder how he lost his leg?" Nope, I wondered what possessed this man to get up, throw a shoe and sock on his right foot, and then proceed to put a sock on his plastic foot. Is it a habit? Symmetry? I just don't know.

As the idiot was yelling into his cell, he almost ran into the older gentleman's cart. As I put my milk in my own cart I made eye contact with the old guy and he stopped. He looked me right in the eye, gathered his thoughts, and said in a low voice, "I swear to God, if I could I would blow up every radio tower in this place. KERPLEW!"

Awkward!!! I just threw a "Yeah" out there and casually strolled away. The rest of my shopping experience had me wondering if he meant the towers that give the idiot cell phone service or the tower that provided the Muzak for the Tom Thumb. More importantly, WTF? That guy was crazy. I am pretty sure he was harmless but he had to have lost that leg somewhere and I imagine it was in a war.

Well, that is what happens when I run out of yogurt.

That is all,

Newt

Apologies

It has come to my attention that a few of the readers of this blog were slightly offended by my last post. Apparently, some people think I am disgusting and need to put a warning on my posts. So this is my apology for my previous post entitled "Dang, I hate that...".

I am sorry that you don't have the sense to stop reading something if it offends you. This is a humor blog. I am very seldom serious, and for anyone that knows me, you know that I don't care about your opinion, though it is welcome.

In most cases, I go right to the point. The second sentence of my previous blog set the tone for the piece and if you read sentence three, well that was your choice. And yes, I am disgusting. I know it, you know it. Hell, even my grandmother knows it. So don't act all shocked that I wrote something that was somewhat nasty.

That is all,

Newt

Dang, I hate that...

You know what's annoying? Touching your own butthole. Now, I'm sure your thinking "What the hell is that supposed to mean"? I came to this topic yesterday.

I was sitting on the shitter and had just finished folding my tp all dainty like (which is the only way to fold toilet paper) and was ready to go wipe when I guess I misjudged the distance. The next thing I know, my finger hit my poop shoot. I thought "Crap", literally. This is something that really bugs me.

It's not that its really that big a deal. I was going to wash my hands anyway, but when you expect to feel the soft plushyness of a Charmin and instead get the index, well, that is just not pleasing. Not to mention that if you aren't paying attention when you stand up, you just may use that finger to push down the flusher.

I think that this is one of those things that goes untalked about. Actually, we should discuss this issue and try to be more proactive in the Finger/Sphinxter phenomenon. In our modern day society we should have come up with a solution.

The toilet paper hand wrap was always a safe practice, but you are really wasting a lot of paper in doing that. There is also the disposable glove, but the practicality of that is questionable. The Angel Soft people should really be working on a solution to this epidemic that is swiping the nation. Yes, I did mean swiping.

That is all,

Newt

Island of the Sequined Love Nun

For anyone that checks here regularly, you probably saw that I had been reading Island of the Sequined Love Nun for the last couple of weeks. Well, last night I finished it and it was great. The author, Christopher Moore, is a weird dude and almost everything he has written that I have read has been good.

Island of the Sequined Love Nun is about a pilot, Tucker Case, who crashes a plane(owned by a Mary Kay knock off) and looses his license to fly. He gets an offer to go fly for a missionary on a remote island and has to take it because it is the only job he will be able to get. Instead of missionaries, he finds an island where the natives worship an image of a Bomber Girl from a war plane and their god is a WWII pilot named Vincent.

Throughout the book, Tucker uncovers a plot by by his employers to steal the kidneys of the islanders, as well as trying to stop himself from being killed and saving an entire island of natives.

The story was an interesting tale of redemption mixed with a Monty Python-esc humor. All in all, a very funny book, though I did feel funny caring it around with me as it is hot pink.

That is all,

Newt

The Rise and Fall of Foreigner

My essay focuses on the band Foreigner. When asked what I consider to be foreign, the first thing that came to mind was the '80's band that signifies all things foreign.

Foreigner was started in 1976 by two British musicians, Mick Jones & Ian McDonald along with four others. They started out with the self titled album Foreigner. It gave us hits such as "Feels Like the First Time" and "Cold as Ice". These were Top 20 songs. Their second album, Double Vision was even more successful selling five million records and contained both "Hot Blooded" and title track "Double Vision".

They continued putting out great music such as "Jukebox Hero", "Waiting for a Girl Like You", and "Urgent" which came off of their fourth album as well as "Head Games" from their third.

The leads of the band decided to attempt solo projects in the late 1980's but reunited in 1987 for another album. However, fans weren't impressed. After being gone for so long, a comeback wasn't in the cards.

Mick Jones tried reforming the band in 1990 and released an album that was unsuccessful. Subsequent attempts to reform also failed. This was another example of an 80's band that could not die out gracefully. But at their peak, Foreigner was a band to be reckoned with.

This is my essay on what I deem foreign.

That is all,

Newt

Shut Down

I was having trouble coming up with a post today and then I went to tell Diana something while I was in the kitchen. I immediately got told "I'm trying to watch this show!" And then it hit me; I had just been shut down. Thus, this post.

I absolutely hate getting shut down. If I need to tell someone something, it annoys me to no end when someone stops me from saying it. At work today, I went into my boss's office to show her that a package that I was supposed to have gotten two weeks ago just got delivered. I showed her the packet that came with it and she took it and started reading it. When I said, let me have it back, she stuck her index finger up to tell me "Oh no, I am reading and you will not talk to me." I, of course, paraphrased the meaning of the finger. I finally got fed up with it and said, "Just give me the packet, I have work to do and don't have time for this."

I am not going to be hypocritical about this. I am as guilty of this as anyone. I admit it, but I still hate people that do this, people like me. My mind works like this. If something comes into my head I try to say it, because if I don't I will probably forget it. So, if I start speaking, shut the hell up! This goes for you. Yes, you.

That is all,

Newt

Snakes on a Plane

Who isn't excited about the new movie Snakes on a Plane? I cannot wait for this thing to come out. I am deathly afraid of snakes and I will still be sitting at this film. The buzz behind it is awesome and every time I think about the premise I just laugh. Of all the things to try to kill someone with, are snakes really the best choice? No! But they sure as hell are a funny one.

Plus with Sammy Jackson in the lead it is extra awesome. I can't imagine anyone else playing in this part. If you go to http://www.snakesonaplane.com/ you can even email or call someone with a personalized message straight from Samuel L. Jackson. I sent one to Thomas that called him a suck up with a boyfriend. Ha.

It has been a long time since a movie has had this much build up. With all the publicity and projected success, we can only hope that Snakes on a Train is already in production. The possibilities for this franchise are limited only by the different number of transportation methods out there. Snakes on a Cruise Ship, Snakes in a Tanker, and with the space race still going strong we could even have Snakes on a Rocket.

OH, I JUST CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF.

That is all,

Newt

Aren't Movies Grand?

I got rest this weekend. We didn't leave the house very much and when we did we were eating. And it was awesome. We even drove to Hurst to get some Rosa's, which was much needed.

Anyway, to the point of my post. I love movies. Over the weekend I watched Memento and Dr. Strangelove, neither of which I had ever seen up to this point. These are two movies on opposite ends of the spectrum but both were none the less enjoyable. And I loved them both.

I know that people say that movies are getting repetitive and no new original ideas are being used, but really who cares. Movies are great. Sure, I hate the Scary Movie franchise as much as the next guy and I could really care less what the next Wayan's movie will be. But I can enjoy a remake if it is done well and there are still so many new ideas that are being made. Movies like 'Snakes on a Plane' and 'Little Miss Sunshine' make me want to rush out to the theatre.

So the next time you think "Damn, Jackie Chan is in another buddy comedy" just remember that there is a new Zach Braff film coming soon.

That is all,

Newt

My Oh My! An Old Naked Guy

Yesterday, as I was walking the dogs to check the mail, I heard a door open on my left. I had just finished scolding Hazel when I turned to see a man of about 65 or so standing naked in his doorway. Or so I thought. As I turned to see him, he was walking out the door. I could only see the right side of his body and it looked like he was naked.

The reason it looked like this is that he was wearing a thong. No, not flip flops but that nice piece of butt floss that no Grandfather should be without. I would have kept thinking that he was nude except that he turned back into his house once he saw me and I got a shot of his crotch. He was wearing an itsy bitsy, teeny weenie, YELLOW banana hammock.(insert shudder here)

After checking the mail (mostly junk in case you were wondering) I looked out the window of our apartment. It faces the pool so I could see the man was outside sunbathing in his little suit. Diana seems to think he must go out there because it is the only way he can get any action. At least it explains the sunglasses.

That is all,

Newt