If I lived in Hyrule...

I was thinking today and I thought, "How great would it be if I lived in Hyrule?" Now one or two of you might not know of this special place called Hyrule. It is a land of myth, and war. Where there is never a dull moment because a warlord named Ganon is always taking over the land and kidnapping the Princess. It is the land of Zelda.

I wish I lived there because it would be so much easier than my current life. I mean think about it, how great would it be? First, the currency is gems, think about that. That means that I would get to wear a gem bag on my belt!!! How AWESOME. I can't even imagine how great that would be. And it would never go empty. My credit would be great because those gems are lying all over the place. My good buddy Link is always finding them when he cuts down bushes.

Plus the idea of clear good vs evil is a great idea. I'm pretty sure that everyone in Hyrule gets a sword when they turn like 5 so I would really be looking forward to that. I really think I could pull off a sword. And if I played my cards right, I might just be able to find some really colorful tunics.

I've got to say that the idea of living in the wild doesn't exactly appeal to me. And those giant pig things that walk around attacking you would probably put a damper on a picnic, but I can look past those things. All in all, I really think I would be suited for a quest or two and with Hyrule it is never a dull moment. Plus, I'm pretty sure while I am rescuing Princess Zelda, I could definitely get me a little royal ... favor.

That is all,

Newt

Congratulations

I just wanted to give my cousin Stacy a big ole CONGRATULATIONS as she just found out she is having a Boy. I am ever so excited about this because now I can buy lots of Spider-Man baby clothes and not feel weird about it. It use to be strange when a grown man would pick up a Spider-Man onesie, now its just sweet.

Love Ya Stacy,

That is all,

Newt

Food And Movies

I've been giving it a lot of thought and just wondered if anyone else thought movies were way to influential to your everyday life in terms of how you eat? Let me explain. I pick up a Hershey Bar with Almonds(obviously) and as I pull the ear of the wrapper back I always do it slowly. Why? Because Charlie Bucket found Golden Ticket in his Wonka bar and no matter what, I always get a little bit more excitement out of my chocolate if I pretend I'm going to find one too.

This phenomenon doesn't just limit itself to sweets. It runs over into all forms of eating. When I eat a bowl of Cheerios, I always look into the milk to make sure someone I know hasn't been shrunk down and is taking a swim in my Gandy's(Honey I Shrunk The Kids). If I'm eating an sandwich, invariably I will say out loud, "No, there's still a long way to go"(Neverending Story). And I can't tell you how many times I've wondered if sometime during the night, Fred Savage hasn't pissed in my apple juice(Little Monsters).

One obvious correlation is that all of these references are children's movies, and maybe it really all has to do with what you watched as a kid. Personally, I don't mind these little eccentricities as they have no effect on my diet. I just wonder what the next generation of kids are going to have to deal with.

That is all,

Newt

Ms. Pac-Man = Hottie

Is it just me or is Ms. Pac-Man the perfect woman? Think about it. She's single (Note the Ms. not Mrs.), she is a girl thats not afraid to eat, she keeps a decent diet (she gets her 5 a day, look at all those fruits she eats), and she is all curves. Plus she stays fit, everytime I see her she's working out.

I've got to think shes great in bed too. I mean the possibilities for that mouth of her's alone are SOOOOO Hot!!! And the best thing about Ms. Pac-Man is she is a cheap date. It only takes a quarter to turn her on. Get it?

In this day and age it is so hard to find a good woman, and thats why I wish there were more classic women around like Ms. P. She makes my joystick wiggle. WHAT A WOMAN!!!!


That is all,

Newt

Space Fish

I was standing at the toilet today, taking a leak when a thought popped into my head that I am dying to know the answer to. Fact: there is no oxygen in space. Fact: there is oxygen in water. Question: If you put a goldfish in a bowl of water and put it in space, could it survive? Now I know what your thinking, actually I don't have a clue what you are thinking but since most people lead with that when they offer their opinion, I thought I would use it and so it stands....Of course a fish would die. But I disagree. There are a few variables to my reasoning but I really think its founded.

You have to assume that the water will stay in the bowl, though I can only imagine that it would by use of a lid. The life span of the fish would still be in serious jeopardy due to the small amount of O in the H2O equation...but really, Goldfish only live like 15 minutes anyway, and without gravity, there is a likely chance that the water would part and poor little goldie would just float in waterless space, just inches from the water that could save his life.

Now why hasn't NASA in all of their infinite wisdom, discovered if fish are viable space creatures. If we ever do populate another planet, you damn well know there's gonna be fishing on it.

So the next time you are standing at a toilet, taking a piss(or sitting if you're so inclined) just consider that a fish might be able to survive in a galaxy far, far away.

That is all

Newt

MTV - WTF?

So I was just curious, when did MTV start standing for Manufactured Teenage Viewing? I know that I was just a kid, but I remember when MTV actually played music, and not as a request show, and not during the ending credits for a dating program. Don't misunderstand, I love Next and I get sucked in to all of the stupid game shows that they have, but unless you get up around 4 am, you won't see a band on the network.

What brings this up is a new show we caught yesterday called Date My Mom. The premise for this show, and oh is it a good one, is that a suitor will go on a date with three mothers and on the basis of the date pick one of them and date their child. I'm not sure if this is only males dating moms for their daughters or if there is also some girl on mom action, but the two episodes we watched, yes two, both featured guys.

I would really like to meet the jackass that craps these ideas out. Clearly he is a genius because he hit on a guilty pleasure of ours and has mass produced it to great commercial success. I've got an idea for him if I ever do meet him. Its called Date my Pussy! Contestants will be given three Cats and will have to take them for a play date and then decide which owner he wants to date. Given the title, I know viewership will be through the roof as all 13 year olds will tune in on the assumption that MTV has taken dating up a notch.

Come on MTV, lets get real. Quit shitting out a bunch of programs that have nothing to do with music and maybe feature an actual song or two. Please!!!!!!!!!! Otherwise I just might have to say Next!

That is all

Newt

Review of Anansi Boys

Part of the reason I wanted to start this blog was to give people my opinion on what I like. So here is a review of a book I just finished that I'm fairly sure anyone would love.



Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman

Fat Charlie has shit luck. He's engaged and trying to plan the wedding when he finds out his father died. Not only that, turns out his father is also Anansi, the spider god. If your not familiar with Anansi, just think of any old fable and its possible that it was told by him. Fat Charlie has to go to Florida to attend his dads funeral and while there, finds out his fathers origin and that he has a brother who hes never met.

So Fat Charlie, the down and out shmuck, meets his brother and his life gets turned upside down. His brother steals his fiance, causes general havok in his life, gets him investigated by the police, and causes Fat Charlie to get in touch with his godly side.

All throughout the story, Gaiman weaves detail after detail and gives one heck of a ride. This book is funny, heartfelt, annoyingly good, and I can definitely say that reading it was time well spent. Anyone who has a disfunctional family can relate to the characters and the storyline is so unique that it isn't like anything you have read before.

So do yourself a favor and give it a read. If your anything like me, you won't be able to put it down.

That is all,

Newt

Pirate Salespeople

I was thinking one night and came up with a really good idea for a commercial for the Orange Growers Association of America. Imagine this...

A pirate is standing on a ships deck holding a orange. He is raggedy and filthy, teeth missing and may even have an eye patch. Preferably over his left eye. He lifts the orange and a subtitle pops up on the screen. "Orange, Helping prevent Scurvy since 1545". The pirate smiles and then in a Piratey voice says "Arng" (Orange).

But maybe it wouldn't work. I mean Diana said she didn't believe in Pirates so it might face alot of anti-Piracy laws. Come on, I had to say it.

That is all

Newt

Dear Freddie Prince Jr.

Freddie,

I just want to thank you so very much for your show. Every week before "Lost" comes on I get to glance and that beautiful smile of yours and listen to that flawless accent that you have taken on in an effort to make your character more believable to the audience. You and Brian Austin Greene have really humored up the Wednesday lineup for ABC. Before I see Dr. Jack get in yet another fight with Renegade Sawyer, I get to see one of the funniest shows on TV. Every week I wonder, "Will Freddie find Love this week, and if not how will he humorously screw it up with this weeks Girl of his Dreams?"

So thanks,

Newt




I know most of you will read this post and think I was being sarcastic. You are wrong. I really do like the show and I don't care what you think of me.

Sex and Oranges

Do you ever think that eating and orange and having sex are pretty much the same thing? I'm not talking those oranges you used to get when you would go through the lunch line in the third grade. Those oranges are whores and are a dime a dozen, literally. I'm refering to those oranges that are the size of softballs and are so juicy that you feel like your drinking a glass of Minute Maid with each bite. Let me explain.

An orange would be the woman in the act. Lets just make that clear because if you go in thinking of a male orange then you are just wacky. First comes foreplay. You have to clumsily use your hands and strip the "lady" down to her bare element. The skin is soft and has a lovely smell to it, just like a woman. If you've done this right then your hands should be slightly sticky by now.

Then you have to slowly part the orange apart and nibble it. I'm not sure about your average fruit eater, but I personally don't rush the experience... of eating an orange that is. I take my time, as any good lover should, and eat each piece slowly. If you get a really sweet piece of fruit, you will definitely want to enjoy it.

The finale comes just as you have finished the last piece. With the last bite, I swish around the pulp in my mouth and spit. Don't forget to clean up....Orange Peel, you dirty minds. You might never look at an orange the same way again!!!

That is all,

Newt

Girl Scout Cookies

I have recently come upon a topic that I know is currently close to alot of peoples hearts, and that is the sale of Girl Scout Cookies. Thats right, that time honored tradition of little girls( and more often then not, their parents) peddling those primary colored boxes that for some reason people just can't live without. It seems a strange tradition to me. I can't argue with the success of the program, yet so many questions are left unanswered.

1. What additive is placed in the cookies that keeps us coming back in droves every year?
2. With the success of the cookies, why don't they "kick it up a notch" and put the damn things in stores? Wouldn't that save them having to used child labor to make sales?
3. Who is really behind the sale of these cookies? Are there a sect of den mothers that hoard the cookies until the end of the year, and then slowly leak them out to the general public?

I need answers, and I am calling for a boycott of these cookies until I get them! Rise up America(or at least the people who read this). Put down those Thin Mints, push away that box of Samoas, refuse the temptation of the Shortbread cookie!!!!!!!

No longer will I let those green clad pixies determine when and how I will eat my cookies! We live in a society where we are free from oppression. Long live the Keebler!!!!!!

That is all,

Newt

The Olympics

So we are now in the last leg of the Olympics and with only a few days left until closing ceremonies, I have to ask, "Does anybody really give one hair off the left side of their ass that they are going on?" I mean seriously, will it really make one bit of difference if Bode Miller makes the jump or not? OH! By the way, Bode Miller is one huge wad of disappointment. Sorry Bode, its true. I want my regular TV back. With all of this icy crap on, I haven't had my weekly fix of the programs that really matter. So in Honor of the Olympics, I will now honor metals to those who should really be on NBC.

To the Office, I give thee a Gold Metal
To Scrubs, I give thee a Gold Metal
To My Name is Earl, I give the a Silver Metal (though only because of that slight drop in the leg for your short program)

Let that crappy trumpeted Olympic song play on as we soon rejoin our regular programing.

That is all

Newt

Hey Assfaces!

Hello Again, I have just one thing to say to all of you Assfaces that decide to make a blog "because you have something to say" and then stop after a couple of postings, Stop It. One, you have a commitment to the world to put out there your stupid ass opinions, and B, you annoy the livinig hell out of me because you have jumped on a bandwagon and let everyone know you have a blog, which of course means that they check all of the time to see if its updated and its not. Now that was a run on sentence!!! Do the world a favor and cut it out. I mean seriously, can you not sit down for five minutes and shit out a little something to let everyone know that you realize they are pathetically checking to see what tiny tidbit of info you have to contribute to their daily lives? This message is really only for Diana (my lady), and more importantly Thomas (my hetero-life mate).

That is all
Newt

Greetings from the Pad

Hello everyone, Its your friendly neighborhood anphibian with a little post about blogging. First Off, I would just like to explain to everyone that, while I think blogging to be a waste of time, its your time to waste and I have to just let you do whatever you damn well please with it. Just don't say I didn't warn you! I have been on the fence about this procedure for some time but as all of my friends have decided to become the next Steinbecks by making one of these, I decided it was about time I got with the program.

As this is my first post, I just thought i would say hi! I am currently killing time with my dogs, Hazel and Duncan and boy what a day I had. You see, we have currently been going through a little crash obedience course with little Hazel, and as I got home today she made like she had done something wrong, yet when I got upstairs nothing was to be found. I sang her Praises like a Black woman at Sunday service. But of course, I worshipped too soon because after a little bathroom break of my own, that lovely smell of doggie diahrea slapped my nostrils. Apparently, Hazel loves me so much she mimics me as I "drop the kids off to school." Why God? Did I really do that many bad things that I deserve this? Of course the answer is yes and there will be many, many more trials before I have worked off my penance.

That is all,

Newt