CSI: Crime Scene Imagination

Thomas likes to assign homework for weekend blog posts and I cam across something interesting this morning that I need help with. As I was walking the dogs this morning I came across an interesting scene. Behind a set of bushes was a series of objects that, in my opinion, look to be the scene of a mugging. However I have doubts.

Thus the challenge I pose to all of you. Below are two 'Crime Scene' photos that I took of the area. I will list out the contents of the scene and I want your hypothoses on what happened.













The 4 circular objects are plates(2 to a package) wrapped in newspaper. This was found early in the morning, but the newspaper was not moist from dew.

There were a pair of regular handcuffs(not trick or plastic) tangled around a string of sparkly black beads. Handcuffs were missing keys. Both cuffs were shut.

A black purse was open and empty. Its contents looked to be scattered around the purse. Purse was from general department store per tag inside. Inside pocket of purse contained one cigarette lighter.

Contents of purse consist of compact, regular makeup accessories.

Not shown is one small tube of what I believe was super glue. It was the size of a pinkie finger.

I didn't move anything other than to check for an I.D. in the purse. It is important to mention that the newspaper was wrapped completely around the plates. I could find no broken plates and the newspaper was still firmly around all plates, even though they are scattered. There were no visible footprintsm though the ground was moist. There were two cars parked next to the scene and neither were broken into.

I am eager to hear your opinions on what may or may not have happened here.

That is all,

Newt

Alas, poor Katy. We knew ye...not so well

Well, yesterday afternoon we got the call from Katy's owners. They lived across from us in another building of our complex. I took her to her owners last night.

I have to say that I think they aren't very good dog owners. When the man called, he didn't seem too worried that his dog was missing and said that they had no idea how she got out. He also didn't say thank you for keeping her or that he was sorry for the trouble. He was supposed to be home at 5:30 so I could bring her over and at 6:30 I called him to ask if he was home.

When I walked her over, his wife was coming to my apartment to grab her and when I talked to her, she told me that Katy thinks she got out when she went to take Katy on a walk. She said that she was going to take Katy out when her husband told her that he had already walked her. Apparently this was all while she was at the front door and Katy slipped out and the woman just shut the door without realizing it.

She did say thank you but she never apologized for the inconvenience. She also almost had Katy run off on her again when she took her off of my leash because she didn't bring one for her. All in all, she didn't seem that worried about her dog.

So we are back down to two dogs.

That is all,

Newt

What the...Another Dog?

Diana was out walking the twin terrors when she found a Basset Hound wandering outside. Her name is Katy and she looks to be about 2 or 3 and I am fairly sure she has had a litter of puppies recently. We called the number on her tag but as of yet there has been no return call.

Diana said I could keep her if we don't find the owner. Isn't she precious? I'm sure her owner will call but until she does, we have a third dog to care for. Just remember that Diana brought it home, not me.

Internal Monologue

Does anyone else walk around with an internal monologue running in his or her head? I have always been aware of a voice in my head. It is a friendly voice and keeps its comments mostly towards narration. I almost feel like Kevin on the ‘Wonder Years’.

You know. I get up from a chair and my internal voice starts voicing that I am going to the restroom, having an internal conflict that causes me to need to pace, or vocalizes the need for a cookie. As I said, I always hear it but I guess I never listen to it. It’s a forest through the trees scenario.

The reason this comes up is that my vivid imagination, along with my internal monologue, has been extra noticeable the last couple of days. It flares up when I get frustrated or angry; also when I have a large amount of alone time.

I can only assume that crazy people have this same affliction but are not aware that it is their own thoughts that they hear. I constantly pretend that the voice is actually a narrator telling an imaginary audience what I am thinking, as if I really am the star of my own TV show. I come up with overly descriptive wording for the most mundane things; trying to give unimportant actions an air of severity.

I can only imagine that there is an actual person out there whose mind is silent. His thoughts consist of 'pick up that pencil' and then that’s what they do. I am glad I am not that person because personality is bred in the mind, and if your mind is silent so is your wit.

That is all,

Newt

Fly me to the moon...or Lubbock

This afternoon, I journeyed to the land of plenty, Lubbock, Texas. I came for a recruiting event and anytime that I fly to Lubbock or Midland, I sit at Love Field and look around for anybody that I know. This is especially true when I fly for recruiting because the chances of someone my age going for the same reason is much more likely.

The reason behind this is that I hate running into people that I vaguely know. This includes former classmates, coworkers, and church members. Actually, that last one is just talk as I can no longer step into a Holy Temple for fear of my skin bursting aflame.

Anyhow, one such occasion occurred today. I was sitting and reading a book when a girl that I had a couple of classes with walked around the corner of the airport. In cases like these, I would normally just hide behind my book or not make eye contact in hopes of avoiding that awkward conversation that always follows seeing people you semi-know ?

She recognized me, however, which caused a small conversation, which causes me mild discomfort. Here are the things I remember about this girl. She was bubbly in class, not incredibly stupid, very friendly, and she is a Christian. I actually forgot her name and I guess she forgot mine too because she threw in a “I’m Jennifer, in case you didn’t remember.” Luckily, she got a call from a friend who just found out she was pregnant and I was immediately forgotten.

I can’t think that I am alone on this. Does anyone else find it unbearable to try to have a conversation with a person you care nothing about? Am I expected to save her a seat on the plane? I hope not because I instead sat next to an elderly woman that smelled like sour cream.

That is all,

Newt

Daydreaming

So, this afternoon I walked outside with the dogs and a fairly attractive woman in a bikini was walking past the door. I don't think she noticed me but as soon as I turned and walked the other direction my mind began to wander.

Now for those of you reading this, my post will not be erotic. I know, you're saying to yourself "Dammit, I really wanted Newt to describe some pornographic sexual deviation to me" and to that I say "call me". But alas, my daydream was not so graphic. Here is what my mind created after seeing the pretty lady.

After walking away from the bikini clad woman I hear her turn and look at me. Immediately she is attracted to me. Who wouldn't be? Me in a pair of khaki dress pants and a orange polo and my babe magnets hooked to their leashes. She runs(in slow motion) towards me and says "You are so hot. I want you right now."

I look at the bikini clad vixen and say "I appreciate that but I am engaged and I don't believe my fiancee' would go for that." I can tell that this woman had been around, as me being betrothed doesn't seem to be a stumbling block for her. "If you don't tell, I won't", she replied.

Again, I am flustered but keep my cool. "No, you are very pretty but, as I said, I am engaged." I try to say goodbye and begin walking the dogs when she grabs me and attempts to kiss me. I fight her off, which is not easy as she has sun tan lotion all over her, and Duncan, Hazel and I leave frantically.

When we get back to the door, she is there. Trying to get me to let her into the apartment. "Just this once" and "Don't you want to have one last fling before you get married?" come out of her mouth. "No", I shout and squeeze through the door.

The point of this blog is that I am whipped. Any other person would probably have fantasized about having sex with said bikini woman, yet I instead fight her off in my own head. Even as I was changing out of my work gear, I made up how she busts into the house and catches me changing and I force her out of the room.

Thinking back to past girlfriends, I remember times when I would wake up from sex dreams before anything started to happen. Why? Because I felt guilty about cheating on my girlfriend with a dream woman. Now that's commitment.

That is all,

Newt

Keep it a Secret...Please

Yesterday, Diana and I went to Victoria Secret and when we got in line to check out, the woman in front of us was arguing with the teller. She was trying to return something she had bought (It was a red negligee) and the teller was telling her they couldn't return her item. She proceeded to say that she had just bought it and the fabric was already frayed at the edges.

The next thing I heard is the cause of this post. I heard the teller say
"We can't return this because it is soiled".

She then pointed out the stains on the item and a manager was called and agreed that they couldn't take it back. The woman was not happy and kept trying to explain that she had just bought it and that it was fraying out. She wouldn't take the fact that it was stained as a reason for not taking it.

When we got up to the counter, the woman was leaving. I turned to Diana and told her "I have some boxers with bacon strips in them. I should run those back to Old Navy." Our cashier was extremely uncomfortable and just kept saying, "Let's just not talk about it anymore". Both the women that helped her were applying Antibacterial gel on their hands.

That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan & Hazel - Trash Day

I got to sleep in this morning. Diana got up earlier than I did and was nice enough to leave the dogs outside the room so they wouldn't wake me up. If only she had remembered to close the bathroom door. I can only imagine that it went something like this.

"Man, Duncan, I sure wish we could get in bed with Dad."
"I hear you Hazel. I wanted to get a nap in under the bed."
"Wonder why Mom locked us out?"
"Maybe they are mad. I know, let's do something nice for them."
"Like what?"
"Well, the bathroom trash has really been piling up. We should take it downstairs for dad."
"I don't know Hazel. Remember the last time we got in the trash? My ass was killing me all day."
"Yeah, but this time we just carry it in the bag and don't pull it out. Then we should be good."
"Well, I suppose it's worth a try."

Duncan and Hazel go into the bathroom and start to lift the trash bag when they start fighting over who gets to carry the bag.

"Give it to me!"
"No, it was my idea. Give me the bag."
"Hazel, stop pulling on the bag, you're gonna rip it."
"Give it to me."
"Stop it!"

Below is the result of the good deed.

BEST WEEK EVER

You know that VH1 show 'Best Week Ever'? I think I am in the running for winning this week.

When we were driving home this weekend, Diana got a call saying that we had won a free trip for our honeymoon. Someone(we still don't know who) threw our name into a drawing that won us either a 3 day/2 night trip to an all inclusive resort or a 7day/7 night trip to a condo. We did have to go to a presentation for Waterless Cookware first, but it was entertaining and I, of course, had to have the pots too.

Then Monday afternoon, I was sitting at work listening to The Pugs and Kelly Show on the radio when they asked people to call in if they could name the cheerleader on Heroes. I knew her name as she was in both 'Ally McBeal' and 'Ice Princess'. I called in and won. I got a gift card for $100 to Sony Style.com, the TV edition of Scene It, and Season 1 of 'The Office'. I had to give Erin 'The Office' because I already own it and she fixed the holes in my pillows. Sorry Thomas, you were next in line if she didn't want it.

Adding to Monday, I had an awesome comic book week that set me back a pretty penny but was definitely worth it... new zombie Graphic Novel that I have been waiting on. I have been reading a really great book and work has been overly tolerable. Plus, Erin took me to dinner last night, cause she is cool like that, and we hit the Walgreens and bought fancy chocolates to sample. Wheeeeee!!!!!! All in all it has been a good week so far.

Now that I think about it, maybe I just had the Best Day Ever but I have enjoyed the rest of the week so I will stick with my posts title.

That is all,

Newt

Office Antics

There are many days that I hate my job, but I can't help but love my coworkers. Today is one of our top salespersons birthdays. He is always bringing in jobs that are difficult, intracate, or just a pain in the ass. He makes the Accounting office's life Hell and is known as one of the busiest sales people in the office.

So to say Happy Birthday, his Custome rep came in a little early today.














That is all,

Newt

Do Do-ing

By looking at the title of this post you may think I am about to talk matters of the butt. However this is a language post.

Have you ever had someone say "You don't do that" in which you reply "Yes I do. I do do that." I find myself saying this from time to time and my silly, adolecent mind can't help but chuckle over the term do do. Is it because as children we refered to any type of fecal matter using this term? Is it because when I tell my dogs to go crap I use the same term? Yes.

I try to come up with other ways to say that I do something. Ex. 'I perform that way' or 'I am guilty of that offence'. But saying I do do something makes me laugh. Are there other terms that have this same affliction? I can't think of any, and if there are I doubt that they have the conotation to taking a dump.

Anyway, that will finish off my weekend. I am off to Lubbock to see my HLM Thomas. If you read his latest post you might thing that the H in HLM stands for Homo. It does not. It is still Hetero as of the last time I checked.

I hope you do do have a good weekend.

That is all,

Newt

Write On!

If you haven't heard of Half Price Books, they are a chain of used bookstores that sell every kind of book imaginable, as well as used DVD's, CD's and Records. While we were in the largest on in Dallas this weekend, Erin picked up a sheet that told of a contest that they were holding. HPB is having a children's book writing contest where you submit a story to them for their annual book "Say Goodnight to Illiteracy". The winner or runners up get gift cards for the store.

Erin, my good buddy, decided she might submit a story, and me being competitive decided to make it a contest and challenge her. So, I am pulling out a piece I wrote back in the 9th grade and am going to submit my book and hopefully place in the contest. As I told Diana, I don't need to win, I just need to beat Erin. Sorry Erin.

That is all,

Newt Shakespeare

"The Last Kiss" - an opinion

Sunday Diana, Erin and I went to see the new Zach Braff movie "The Last Kiss". For those of you who haven't seen it, Braff's character is about to have a baby with his girlfriend, he is afraid of marriage, and at a wedding he meets a college girl who makes him consider cheating.

The movie was very good and, in my opinion, realistic. Diana and Erin expressed that they didn't like it because they didn't end up liking Zach Braff's character. So, when we go to the movies, are we supposed to like the main character or is it ok to hate them and still enjoy the movie.

The film is a metaphor for relationships. Through a number of characters there is a divorce, an affair, a break up, a casual sexual relationship and a couple at a crossroads. Rachel Bilson, who plays the college love interest, has some classic lines that really bring out the stupidity of love at 19. She makes a mix tape and spouts off lines like "I don't care about before or after, I just care about now."

I recommend this movie, but when you go to see it don't expect "Garden State" because you will be disappointed. This movie offers a realistic look at love from so many different points of view that every person should be able to connect with one of the characters.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. You get to see Rachel Bilsons nips and that was worth the price of admission

I'm so glad I'm not single

Recently, I have been surrounded by people that are single and I get to hear about all of the trials and tribulations that go along with singledom. Let me just say that I do not miss being single. I have so many single friends of varying ages, ethnicities, and sexual orientations. Being 24, it seems that in this day in age it is hard to find a significant other.

Dallas is a competitive market. I will start out by saying that dating can be hard. I just finished "Love Monkey" which is all about dating at 30. Some of the situations that the main character get into are beyond me and I asked myself "What would I have done?" and there were no answers.

My good buddy Erin(f) is currently looking for love in all the wrong places. This is because she has only been at work and home. Short supply of men. She is always telling me that she can't meet a guy and I just think "Thank the maker for Diana" because I don't want to have to try looking around Dallas for another lady.

I have a friend who is 30 and hasn't found the right one(though that is because she left him, at least that's what he says). He goes out clubbing and finds an "occasional hottie" but he can never find a girl he wants, but he continues looking.

I also have a friend who is 45 that is currently in "a friendship" of sexual proportions. He and his "friend" were dating and decided to go platonic and still get it on. She is always calling him, and aside from the title they are in a relationship. He just lives in denial about the entire thing. We have tried to convince him of it but as long as he can dip his "pen" in his friends "ink" I guess denial is a good river to swim in.

All in all, I don't miss dating. Sure the first kiss was always exciting, and the initial phase of any relationship has a lot of hope built in, but once you settle down with some one it is such a comfort to not have all the BS that goes along with dating. Plus, I still get to use all of my pick up lines. Only now its when I am trying to get into my fiancee's pants instead of a strangers.

That is all,

Newt

Death Day

One year ago today my Granny Nan passed away. So I guess that makes today her Death Day. We buried her ashes this summer in Georgia next to my Grandpa.

Its funny that we celebrate friends and family on their birthday, but when people die it seems like the day they die is a sad day. I don't know if I should be unhappy today but really, today was better than yesterday.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I was walking down the street where my Granny's house was and I got to the door and there were cars in front. I went in and she was sitting on the couch. In the dream she was dead too, so I went up and put my arms around her and yelled "You're alive!" She told me that her cruise ship had crashed on an island and that, while people on the ship had died, she and her friend had survived.

The dream continued and people kept coming in and congratulating her for being alive. It was all very somber and surreal. I sat on the couch in her living room, and for just one moment I let myself believe that her death had been a dream. Then I woke up.

This is the only time I can ever remember having a dream where Granny was in it, at least since her death. I thought it fitting that in my dream she was not only alive, but healthy and had an air of happiness to her. I know if I had survived a crashed cruise ship, I would be happy too.

Oh, she was also in a flowery dress. I can only assume that she hadn't changed out of her island attire.

Love ya Granny.

Newt

So, I was like, and she was like

I hate the word 'like'. I wish Webster would come up with a new word to replace 'like' and then the simile will have to be changed, but I can live with that. This post comes partly from the fact that Diana is out of town, which means that I can razz her about this and not get hit.

The love of my life, the woman I am going to marry uses 'like' in almost every sentence she makes. I know this because it has gotten so bad that I began counting them when she is conversing with someone. I hate it. I think that every person that does this needs to take a step back and realize that it needs to stop.

The worst is when someone is telling you something and they say, "Bill hit the dog, and I was like..." WHY!!! When did it become necessary to transition with this stupid phrase. There are so many ways to say things. Use 'as if' or 'I responded' or 'and then I told him'. This isn't a criticism of Diana though. It is a criticism on humanity. I personally stop myself from doing this and it can be difficult. So I made up a rule.

If you are speaking and the words coming out of your mouth are things you wouldn't write down in an email, then stop using them.

No one types an email and during it writes, "Well, I'm sitting and work, and like, there is the cutest girl so I went up to her and I was like "Hey". And if you do then you are an idiot.

That is, like, all,

Newt

The Hai-Karate Kid

Well, if any of you have read my good buddy's blog recently you may have noticed that he almost used the teachings of Mr. Miagi at the Tech game last weekend. This made me think of how, in the past, if I really tried I could make Thomas mad enough to punch me. I can only remember this occurring a couple of times, but I bet he really scared those dudes if he did like he use to. First, he turns kinda red and then he bites his bottom lip and his eyes bug out a little bit. Don't make him angry, you won't like him when he's angry."

So, I present my rendition of Thomas getting into a fight.

Thomas, a lanky red headed American male, is walking down the street when from behind two masked hoodlums come up and scream "Give me your wallet." Instantly our hero leaps into action. Donning the amulet that gives him power, Thomas instantly transforms into THE HAI-KARATE KID.

Turning on his attackers, he begins to stare them down and starts tossing out Verbal Jabs of Justice. "Wallet? Dude, I'm married. I gave that thing away on my wedding day."

Stunned, the thieves momentarily drop their guard. "And why would you pick me anyway. Idiots. I'm wearing ratty jeans and a shirt I got at Goodwill. Do I really look like Mr. Moneybags?" He throws his hands in the air with a sarcastic flair.

Thief A starts to get nervous. This is taking longer than he thought. "Look, just give us all that you have." But NO! The Hai-Karate Kid will have none of that. "Look, I'm sure this isn't going the way you planned so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna walk this way and you two genius' walk that way and then we will just pretend this never happened."

"No way man. We want your money."

HKK is getting frustrated. The vein in his forehead begins to pulse. "You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry." In fact, they didn't like him at all. So they beat the shit out of him and took his money. Luckily he is poor so not much was taken.

The End.

That is all,

Newt

The Princess Bride

Last night, I finished reading The Princess Bride and it was great. Lots of action, great adventure and it was very funny. The reason for this post is to declare that the writer, William Goldman, is a genius. Why? you ask. Because everything he wrote that talked about himself or his family, or S. Morgenstern was all B.S. and yet it sounds so real.

For those who haven't read it, Mr. Goldman wrote this book under the guise of it being an abridgment of S. Morgenstern. The "original" book, which he claims was read to him by his father when he was a boy, was said to be a history of the city of Florin and written by S. Morgenstern. Neither Florin nor Morgenstern exist. All made up.

The family that Goldman talks about in his preface, his wife and son, are also made up. All throughout the book, Goldman has break ins during the narrative where he goes into some minute details of what he cut out of the book and why. Except the original never existed.

He even goes into the legal details of the long lost sequel to the book, Buttercup' s Baby and why he is being stopped from abridging it. He claims that the Morgenstern family want Steven King to adapt it because he has family from Florin and visits there often. Luckily, Steven King was nice enough to give him a shot at abridging the first chapter, which is published in the books 25th Anniversary Edition. Again, all fake. None of it happened.

Were a just a tad bit more gullible, I would have bought it all hook, line and sinker. Luckily I researched it a bit and found out that William Goldman is a liar. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have read books before that were done in this manner, but I have never fallen for this ploy until I started reading The Princess Bride. Plus, I may have found the passage I want read at my wedding.

That is all,

Newt

I've made a terrible mistake

I am very uncomfortable right now. I just got back from seeing 'Snakes on a Plane' and realized that it may not have been a good idea to face my fear of snakes by watching this movie.

Going in, I was very excited to start the show. Then a thought crossed my mind. "Wouldn't it be ironic if someone let snakes loose in the theatre during the show?" From the second preview my feet didn't leave the back of the chair in front of me. Not to mention that it is really dark in those theatres.

And another thing. Surround sound with snakes really makes it sound like snakes are under your chair. At least once during the movie I had to cover my mouth because I was moaning with fear. The other time I covered my mouth was when a woman got bit on the tongue when she was screaming. That, however, was just a knee jerk reaction.

I will say that I was pleased with the movie and it wasn't nearly as ridiculous as I expected it to be. I am pretty sure that sleeping won't be in the cards for me this weekend though.

That is all,

Newt

Arrested Development

Well, last night I finished the third and final season of Arrested Development and I am sad. This was a show that got so much critical acclaim, and yet no one watched it. I watched a few episodes of it when it was in its second season, but I never really got into the show. Now it is cancelled and I own the entire collection and it is awesome.

For anyone that likes humor with a dry, witty edge to it then you would love this show. The dysfunction of this family is beyond the depths of anything you can imagine. One brother is a magician with no skill, one a mamma's boy, and one tries to help the rest succeed. Add to that a sister who is trying to save her marriage(though not very hard) and two cousins who sort of have a thing for each other and they all live in the same house.

The basic premise of the show is that the Bluth's are in trouble. Their company is being investigated by the government, George Sr., the father, is in prison for a number of crimes, and Michael(the responsible one) is left to pick up the pieces of his family and their business.

There are so many memorable things about this show. Henry Winkler guest stars a lot, and in one episode actually jumps over a rubber shark. A one armed man frequently appears in flashbacks teaching the Bluth children lessons. Even Scott Baio shows up as a lawyer named Bob Oblah(say it fast and you will get the joke). Oh, and David Cross plays a therapist turned actor who is gay and in denial about it.

I wish I had known about this show from its inception because it was great and I would have loved watching it. Oh well, I can now watch it at any time.

That is all,

Newt