The Misadventures of Duncan & Hazel - Trash Day

I got to sleep in this morning. Diana got up earlier than I did and was nice enough to leave the dogs outside the room so they wouldn't wake me up. If only she had remembered to close the bathroom door. I can only imagine that it went something like this.

"Man, Duncan, I sure wish we could get in bed with Dad."
"I hear you Hazel. I wanted to get a nap in under the bed."
"Wonder why Mom locked us out?"
"Maybe they are mad. I know, let's do something nice for them."
"Like what?"
"Well, the bathroom trash has really been piling up. We should take it downstairs for dad."
"I don't know Hazel. Remember the last time we got in the trash? My ass was killing me all day."
"Yeah, but this time we just carry it in the bag and don't pull it out. Then we should be good."
"Well, I suppose it's worth a try."

Duncan and Hazel go into the bathroom and start to lift the trash bag when they start fighting over who gets to carry the bag.

"Give it to me!"
"No, it was my idea. Give me the bag."
"Hazel, stop pulling on the bag, you're gonna rip it."
"Give it to me."
"Stop it!"

Below is the result of the good deed.

BEST WEEK EVER

You know that VH1 show 'Best Week Ever'? I think I am in the running for winning this week.

When we were driving home this weekend, Diana got a call saying that we had won a free trip for our honeymoon. Someone(we still don't know who) threw our name into a drawing that won us either a 3 day/2 night trip to an all inclusive resort or a 7day/7 night trip to a condo. We did have to go to a presentation for Waterless Cookware first, but it was entertaining and I, of course, had to have the pots too.

Then Monday afternoon, I was sitting at work listening to The Pugs and Kelly Show on the radio when they asked people to call in if they could name the cheerleader on Heroes. I knew her name as she was in both 'Ally McBeal' and 'Ice Princess'. I called in and won. I got a gift card for $100 to Sony Style.com, the TV edition of Scene It, and Season 1 of 'The Office'. I had to give Erin 'The Office' because I already own it and she fixed the holes in my pillows. Sorry Thomas, you were next in line if she didn't want it.

Adding to Monday, I had an awesome comic book week that set me back a pretty penny but was definitely worth it... new zombie Graphic Novel that I have been waiting on. I have been reading a really great book and work has been overly tolerable. Plus, Erin took me to dinner last night, cause she is cool like that, and we hit the Walgreens and bought fancy chocolates to sample. Wheeeeee!!!!!! All in all it has been a good week so far.

Now that I think about it, maybe I just had the Best Day Ever but I have enjoyed the rest of the week so I will stick with my posts title.

That is all,

Newt

Office Antics

There are many days that I hate my job, but I can't help but love my coworkers. Today is one of our top salespersons birthdays. He is always bringing in jobs that are difficult, intracate, or just a pain in the ass. He makes the Accounting office's life Hell and is known as one of the busiest sales people in the office.

So to say Happy Birthday, his Custome rep came in a little early today.














That is all,

Newt

Do Do-ing

By looking at the title of this post you may think I am about to talk matters of the butt. However this is a language post.

Have you ever had someone say "You don't do that" in which you reply "Yes I do. I do do that." I find myself saying this from time to time and my silly, adolecent mind can't help but chuckle over the term do do. Is it because as children we refered to any type of fecal matter using this term? Is it because when I tell my dogs to go crap I use the same term? Yes.

I try to come up with other ways to say that I do something. Ex. 'I perform that way' or 'I am guilty of that offence'. But saying I do do something makes me laugh. Are there other terms that have this same affliction? I can't think of any, and if there are I doubt that they have the conotation to taking a dump.

Anyway, that will finish off my weekend. I am off to Lubbock to see my HLM Thomas. If you read his latest post you might thing that the H in HLM stands for Homo. It does not. It is still Hetero as of the last time I checked.

I hope you do do have a good weekend.

That is all,

Newt

Write On!

If you haven't heard of Half Price Books, they are a chain of used bookstores that sell every kind of book imaginable, as well as used DVD's, CD's and Records. While we were in the largest on in Dallas this weekend, Erin picked up a sheet that told of a contest that they were holding. HPB is having a children's book writing contest where you submit a story to them for their annual book "Say Goodnight to Illiteracy". The winner or runners up get gift cards for the store.

Erin, my good buddy, decided she might submit a story, and me being competitive decided to make it a contest and challenge her. So, I am pulling out a piece I wrote back in the 9th grade and am going to submit my book and hopefully place in the contest. As I told Diana, I don't need to win, I just need to beat Erin. Sorry Erin.

That is all,

Newt Shakespeare

"The Last Kiss" - an opinion

Sunday Diana, Erin and I went to see the new Zach Braff movie "The Last Kiss". For those of you who haven't seen it, Braff's character is about to have a baby with his girlfriend, he is afraid of marriage, and at a wedding he meets a college girl who makes him consider cheating.

The movie was very good and, in my opinion, realistic. Diana and Erin expressed that they didn't like it because they didn't end up liking Zach Braff's character. So, when we go to the movies, are we supposed to like the main character or is it ok to hate them and still enjoy the movie.

The film is a metaphor for relationships. Through a number of characters there is a divorce, an affair, a break up, a casual sexual relationship and a couple at a crossroads. Rachel Bilson, who plays the college love interest, has some classic lines that really bring out the stupidity of love at 19. She makes a mix tape and spouts off lines like "I don't care about before or after, I just care about now."

I recommend this movie, but when you go to see it don't expect "Garden State" because you will be disappointed. This movie offers a realistic look at love from so many different points of view that every person should be able to connect with one of the characters.

That is all,

Newt

P.S. You get to see Rachel Bilsons nips and that was worth the price of admission

I'm so glad I'm not single

Recently, I have been surrounded by people that are single and I get to hear about all of the trials and tribulations that go along with singledom. Let me just say that I do not miss being single. I have so many single friends of varying ages, ethnicities, and sexual orientations. Being 24, it seems that in this day in age it is hard to find a significant other.

Dallas is a competitive market. I will start out by saying that dating can be hard. I just finished "Love Monkey" which is all about dating at 30. Some of the situations that the main character get into are beyond me and I asked myself "What would I have done?" and there were no answers.

My good buddy Erin(f) is currently looking for love in all the wrong places. This is because she has only been at work and home. Short supply of men. She is always telling me that she can't meet a guy and I just think "Thank the maker for Diana" because I don't want to have to try looking around Dallas for another lady.

I have a friend who is 30 and hasn't found the right one(though that is because she left him, at least that's what he says). He goes out clubbing and finds an "occasional hottie" but he can never find a girl he wants, but he continues looking.

I also have a friend who is 45 that is currently in "a friendship" of sexual proportions. He and his "friend" were dating and decided to go platonic and still get it on. She is always calling him, and aside from the title they are in a relationship. He just lives in denial about the entire thing. We have tried to convince him of it but as long as he can dip his "pen" in his friends "ink" I guess denial is a good river to swim in.

All in all, I don't miss dating. Sure the first kiss was always exciting, and the initial phase of any relationship has a lot of hope built in, but once you settle down with some one it is such a comfort to not have all the BS that goes along with dating. Plus, I still get to use all of my pick up lines. Only now its when I am trying to get into my fiancee's pants instead of a strangers.

That is all,

Newt

Death Day

One year ago today my Granny Nan passed away. So I guess that makes today her Death Day. We buried her ashes this summer in Georgia next to my Grandpa.

Its funny that we celebrate friends and family on their birthday, but when people die it seems like the day they die is a sad day. I don't know if I should be unhappy today but really, today was better than yesterday.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I was walking down the street where my Granny's house was and I got to the door and there were cars in front. I went in and she was sitting on the couch. In the dream she was dead too, so I went up and put my arms around her and yelled "You're alive!" She told me that her cruise ship had crashed on an island and that, while people on the ship had died, she and her friend had survived.

The dream continued and people kept coming in and congratulating her for being alive. It was all very somber and surreal. I sat on the couch in her living room, and for just one moment I let myself believe that her death had been a dream. Then I woke up.

This is the only time I can ever remember having a dream where Granny was in it, at least since her death. I thought it fitting that in my dream she was not only alive, but healthy and had an air of happiness to her. I know if I had survived a crashed cruise ship, I would be happy too.

Oh, she was also in a flowery dress. I can only assume that she hadn't changed out of her island attire.

Love ya Granny.

Newt

So, I was like, and she was like

I hate the word 'like'. I wish Webster would come up with a new word to replace 'like' and then the simile will have to be changed, but I can live with that. This post comes partly from the fact that Diana is out of town, which means that I can razz her about this and not get hit.

The love of my life, the woman I am going to marry uses 'like' in almost every sentence she makes. I know this because it has gotten so bad that I began counting them when she is conversing with someone. I hate it. I think that every person that does this needs to take a step back and realize that it needs to stop.

The worst is when someone is telling you something and they say, "Bill hit the dog, and I was like..." WHY!!! When did it become necessary to transition with this stupid phrase. There are so many ways to say things. Use 'as if' or 'I responded' or 'and then I told him'. This isn't a criticism of Diana though. It is a criticism on humanity. I personally stop myself from doing this and it can be difficult. So I made up a rule.

If you are speaking and the words coming out of your mouth are things you wouldn't write down in an email, then stop using them.

No one types an email and during it writes, "Well, I'm sitting and work, and like, there is the cutest girl so I went up to her and I was like "Hey". And if you do then you are an idiot.

That is, like, all,

Newt

The Hai-Karate Kid

Well, if any of you have read my good buddy's blog recently you may have noticed that he almost used the teachings of Mr. Miagi at the Tech game last weekend. This made me think of how, in the past, if I really tried I could make Thomas mad enough to punch me. I can only remember this occurring a couple of times, but I bet he really scared those dudes if he did like he use to. First, he turns kinda red and then he bites his bottom lip and his eyes bug out a little bit. Don't make him angry, you won't like him when he's angry."

So, I present my rendition of Thomas getting into a fight.

Thomas, a lanky red headed American male, is walking down the street when from behind two masked hoodlums come up and scream "Give me your wallet." Instantly our hero leaps into action. Donning the amulet that gives him power, Thomas instantly transforms into THE HAI-KARATE KID.

Turning on his attackers, he begins to stare them down and starts tossing out Verbal Jabs of Justice. "Wallet? Dude, I'm married. I gave that thing away on my wedding day."

Stunned, the thieves momentarily drop their guard. "And why would you pick me anyway. Idiots. I'm wearing ratty jeans and a shirt I got at Goodwill. Do I really look like Mr. Moneybags?" He throws his hands in the air with a sarcastic flair.

Thief A starts to get nervous. This is taking longer than he thought. "Look, just give us all that you have." But NO! The Hai-Karate Kid will have none of that. "Look, I'm sure this isn't going the way you planned so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna walk this way and you two genius' walk that way and then we will just pretend this never happened."

"No way man. We want your money."

HKK is getting frustrated. The vein in his forehead begins to pulse. "You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry." In fact, they didn't like him at all. So they beat the shit out of him and took his money. Luckily he is poor so not much was taken.

The End.

That is all,

Newt

The Princess Bride

Last night, I finished reading The Princess Bride and it was great. Lots of action, great adventure and it was very funny. The reason for this post is to declare that the writer, William Goldman, is a genius. Why? you ask. Because everything he wrote that talked about himself or his family, or S. Morgenstern was all B.S. and yet it sounds so real.

For those who haven't read it, Mr. Goldman wrote this book under the guise of it being an abridgment of S. Morgenstern. The "original" book, which he claims was read to him by his father when he was a boy, was said to be a history of the city of Florin and written by S. Morgenstern. Neither Florin nor Morgenstern exist. All made up.

The family that Goldman talks about in his preface, his wife and son, are also made up. All throughout the book, Goldman has break ins during the narrative where he goes into some minute details of what he cut out of the book and why. Except the original never existed.

He even goes into the legal details of the long lost sequel to the book, Buttercup' s Baby and why he is being stopped from abridging it. He claims that the Morgenstern family want Steven King to adapt it because he has family from Florin and visits there often. Luckily, Steven King was nice enough to give him a shot at abridging the first chapter, which is published in the books 25th Anniversary Edition. Again, all fake. None of it happened.

Were a just a tad bit more gullible, I would have bought it all hook, line and sinker. Luckily I researched it a bit and found out that William Goldman is a liar. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have read books before that were done in this manner, but I have never fallen for this ploy until I started reading The Princess Bride. Plus, I may have found the passage I want read at my wedding.

That is all,

Newt

I've made a terrible mistake

I am very uncomfortable right now. I just got back from seeing 'Snakes on a Plane' and realized that it may not have been a good idea to face my fear of snakes by watching this movie.

Going in, I was very excited to start the show. Then a thought crossed my mind. "Wouldn't it be ironic if someone let snakes loose in the theatre during the show?" From the second preview my feet didn't leave the back of the chair in front of me. Not to mention that it is really dark in those theatres.

And another thing. Surround sound with snakes really makes it sound like snakes are under your chair. At least once during the movie I had to cover my mouth because I was moaning with fear. The other time I covered my mouth was when a woman got bit on the tongue when she was screaming. That, however, was just a knee jerk reaction.

I will say that I was pleased with the movie and it wasn't nearly as ridiculous as I expected it to be. I am pretty sure that sleeping won't be in the cards for me this weekend though.

That is all,

Newt

Arrested Development

Well, last night I finished the third and final season of Arrested Development and I am sad. This was a show that got so much critical acclaim, and yet no one watched it. I watched a few episodes of it when it was in its second season, but I never really got into the show. Now it is cancelled and I own the entire collection and it is awesome.

For anyone that likes humor with a dry, witty edge to it then you would love this show. The dysfunction of this family is beyond the depths of anything you can imagine. One brother is a magician with no skill, one a mamma's boy, and one tries to help the rest succeed. Add to that a sister who is trying to save her marriage(though not very hard) and two cousins who sort of have a thing for each other and they all live in the same house.

The basic premise of the show is that the Bluth's are in trouble. Their company is being investigated by the government, George Sr., the father, is in prison for a number of crimes, and Michael(the responsible one) is left to pick up the pieces of his family and their business.

There are so many memorable things about this show. Henry Winkler guest stars a lot, and in one episode actually jumps over a rubber shark. A one armed man frequently appears in flashbacks teaching the Bluth children lessons. Even Scott Baio shows up as a lawyer named Bob Oblah(say it fast and you will get the joke). Oh, and David Cross plays a therapist turned actor who is gay and in denial about it.

I wish I had known about this show from its inception because it was great and I would have loved watching it. Oh well, I can now watch it at any time.

That is all,

Newt

Silly Cousin

Well, I decided I was going to drive up to Plano and see my cousin, Kristy. So I called her around 4 and asked if she would like to have dinner. She said "Sure, but I am going to be at a Happy Hour until 6".

So I came home for a while, loaded up the dogs, and at 6:05 I called to tell her I was on the way. She was still at the bar but said she was going to leave soon so I drove to Plano and found a Barnes and Noble to go wandering in until she got home. Around 7, I bought a couple of books and then headed to her house thinking that after an hour she would surely be home. Nope.

I called to see where she was and she still hadn't left the bar. I waited at her apartment complex and walked the dogs when Kristy's friend and coworker, Kristen, called and told me to take the dogs to her house and then we could meet up. I drove to her apartment and her husband, Jeremy, met me. We grabbed Kristy's key and dropped the dogs off and then said "Screw the girls, we're going to eat".

I ran by Circuit City and made an impulse buy of a Camcorder that I got an awesome deal on, and then Jeremy and I went to Freebirds. At 9, Kristy still hadn't shown so I grabbed the pups and headed home.

The moral of this story is 'If you are going to visit your cousin, don't leave until they are home'.

That is all,

Newt

JELLO Shots

Today is my cousin Kristy's Birthday(Happy Birthday Kristy) so this weekend we went out to eat. Her friends threw her a big dinner at Saltgrass Steakhouse and after it was over, we went back to one of her friends to party.

The main attraction at the party, aside from cousin Kristy, were Jello Shots. I was told that they made 150 and when I left there were zero. Good times. I was really showing them how to throw them back. The next day, however, I learned of a side affect of Jello Shots. I call it the Jello Shits. All day yesterday, I was running back and forth to the bathroom because the large amount of hard liquor mixed with the rainbow of Jello Flavors that I had on Saturday really did a number on me.

The party wasn't the only thing that happened. In the year that I have lived in Dallas, Kristy has worked at Circuit City. When they change out the CDs in the listening station, the employees get to take them home. Knowing this, I will now tell you that I learned that my cousin thinks I am gay. Or at least I assume she thinks I am gay because up until Saturday, she has never offered me a CD and that night she did. She looked at me and said "I have a CD in my car that I got from the listening station at work. It is the soundtrack to 'High School Musical'."

Huh? High School Musical? Not Ja Rule? Not Dashboard Confessional? The only CD I have ever been given is High School Musical? Well, I guess I must be gay because I said "Yippee", or maybe I am just a 13 year old girl. Jury is still out on that one.

Well, those were the highlights from my weekend. As I am bacheloring it up, the fact that anything happened at all is promising. So on that note...

That is all.

Newt

Am I a Racist?

Something happened to me this afternoon while at lunch that has been weighing on my mind all day. While driving back from lunch, a coworker and I were discussing travel to other countries and she said "My husband wants to go to Asia but, I don't know why, I have a mild distrust of Asian people". This prompted me to blurt out, and I have no idea why, that I am afraid of black people.

The silence in the car was horrible. Not only did I just say something that could be taken to be extremely racist, I also caught my coworker off guard. I knew she didn't know what to say but she turned and said "Really?" I came back with, "Well, only black men. I am not scared of women or children", and we then discussed how the African American male has perpetuated an image of violence with music and actions.

Now please don't take this post as a commentary on how black people are bad. That is not what this is. It is actually a look into my fear, and during the ride back to work something came to mind as to what might have caused me to feel this way.

I am not really scared of black people. At least not in any general sense. If I were walking down the street and a black male was coming my direction, I would not run screaming like a baby or, less dramatic, cross the street. However, if a black male that looked like 50 cent were to be coming my way, my actions might change. This said, I will now explain what I think may have started this "fear".

In the sixth grade, I knew a kid named James Williams. He was black and lived in my neighborhood. He was an underprivileged kid, at least compared to me and he lived two blocks from my house. Every day, we rode the bus to and from school. I was always dropped off at the bus stop early so when the bus arrived, I got on it fairly quick. James did not. When I got on the bus, I would go to the back and sit in the seat that only held one person. We all know that seat. The one that was coveted above all others.

One morning, I had gotten seated and was minding my own business when James got on the bus and told me that he wanted the short seat. I told him no, as I was already sitting there and was quite happy in my seat. He and his brother, Ray, proceeded to taunt me about giving him the seat and I still refused. As we were waiting for the other kids to get on the bus, James stood up, came over to me, and tapped the top of my head with a text book. To this day I can remember the feel of that book hitting me on the head.

After the first tap, he said "Get up" and I stood my ground and said "No". He dropped the book again and this time it was harder. It never hurt, but when you are twelve and everyone is watching, pain is the least of your concerns. I told him if he did it again I was gonna stop him. And he, of course, dropped it a third time. I jumped at him and we tussled. Not fought, just tussled. He jumped on my back and help my arm down and I was about to slam him into the emergency release bar for the back door when the driver ran back and broke us up.

We stayed separated for the rest of the ride and were taken to the principal as soon as we arrived at school. I do not remember what James' punishment was, but I was given three days of In School Suspension(Turns out I liked it though so it really wasn't a punishment). I despised James and his brother from that day forward.

The irony of the whole situation is that I(a white kid) was defending the seat in the back of the bus from a black kid. That hit me today. Up until then, the social humor never occurred to me. James was exactly the kind of guy that I am "afraid of". Not necessarily afraid of the person, but of what they can do. Hell, I don't know. I guess I never really let go of the anger I had. Not only because of how helpless I felt, but also the stereotype that I formed without even meaning to.

I know that I am not racist. I don't feel that a person's skin color is their defining factor and I know that it, in no way affects their ability in any way. I guess that I just have an issue that needs to be acknowledged and moved past. I hope that by realizing where the problem started, I can make sure it isn't an issue. Funny where a conversation can lead.


That is all,

Newt

Grocery Store

Hello All,

I went to the grocery store this evening (Thomas, the list is forthcoming) and as I was going to get milk, I saw this idiot was standing there blocking the fridge and talking into a cell phone. This really wouldn't have bothered me much except I wanted milk and he was more involved in his conversation than getting the milk he was blocking. However, this post isn't about the guy on the phone or milk. It is about a one legged man with an anger management problem.

The idiot finally got out of my way and I went and grabbed my half a gallon when I noticed that an older gentleman was standing two doors down near the Half n Half. He was a white guy around 65 and had a prosthetic left leg that had both a sock and a shoe on.

Why wear a sock? That was my first thought. Not, "Wonder how he lost his leg?" Nope, I wondered what possessed this man to get up, throw a shoe and sock on his right foot, and then proceed to put a sock on his plastic foot. Is it a habit? Symmetry? I just don't know.

As the idiot was yelling into his cell, he almost ran into the older gentleman's cart. As I put my milk in my own cart I made eye contact with the old guy and he stopped. He looked me right in the eye, gathered his thoughts, and said in a low voice, "I swear to God, if I could I would blow up every radio tower in this place. KERPLEW!"

Awkward!!! I just threw a "Yeah" out there and casually strolled away. The rest of my shopping experience had me wondering if he meant the towers that give the idiot cell phone service or the tower that provided the Muzak for the Tom Thumb. More importantly, WTF? That guy was crazy. I am pretty sure he was harmless but he had to have lost that leg somewhere and I imagine it was in a war.

Well, that is what happens when I run out of yogurt.

That is all,

Newt

Apologies

It has come to my attention that a few of the readers of this blog were slightly offended by my last post. Apparently, some people think I am disgusting and need to put a warning on my posts. So this is my apology for my previous post entitled "Dang, I hate that...".

I am sorry that you don't have the sense to stop reading something if it offends you. This is a humor blog. I am very seldom serious, and for anyone that knows me, you know that I don't care about your opinion, though it is welcome.

In most cases, I go right to the point. The second sentence of my previous blog set the tone for the piece and if you read sentence three, well that was your choice. And yes, I am disgusting. I know it, you know it. Hell, even my grandmother knows it. So don't act all shocked that I wrote something that was somewhat nasty.

That is all,

Newt

Dang, I hate that...

You know what's annoying? Touching your own butthole. Now, I'm sure your thinking "What the hell is that supposed to mean"? I came to this topic yesterday.

I was sitting on the shitter and had just finished folding my tp all dainty like (which is the only way to fold toilet paper) and was ready to go wipe when I guess I misjudged the distance. The next thing I know, my finger hit my poop shoot. I thought "Crap", literally. This is something that really bugs me.

It's not that its really that big a deal. I was going to wash my hands anyway, but when you expect to feel the soft plushyness of a Charmin and instead get the index, well, that is just not pleasing. Not to mention that if you aren't paying attention when you stand up, you just may use that finger to push down the flusher.

I think that this is one of those things that goes untalked about. Actually, we should discuss this issue and try to be more proactive in the Finger/Sphinxter phenomenon. In our modern day society we should have come up with a solution.

The toilet paper hand wrap was always a safe practice, but you are really wasting a lot of paper in doing that. There is also the disposable glove, but the practicality of that is questionable. The Angel Soft people should really be working on a solution to this epidemic that is swiping the nation. Yes, I did mean swiping.

That is all,

Newt

Island of the Sequined Love Nun

For anyone that checks here regularly, you probably saw that I had been reading Island of the Sequined Love Nun for the last couple of weeks. Well, last night I finished it and it was great. The author, Christopher Moore, is a weird dude and almost everything he has written that I have read has been good.

Island of the Sequined Love Nun is about a pilot, Tucker Case, who crashes a plane(owned by a Mary Kay knock off) and looses his license to fly. He gets an offer to go fly for a missionary on a remote island and has to take it because it is the only job he will be able to get. Instead of missionaries, he finds an island where the natives worship an image of a Bomber Girl from a war plane and their god is a WWII pilot named Vincent.

Throughout the book, Tucker uncovers a plot by by his employers to steal the kidneys of the islanders, as well as trying to stop himself from being killed and saving an entire island of natives.

The story was an interesting tale of redemption mixed with a Monty Python-esc humor. All in all, a very funny book, though I did feel funny caring it around with me as it is hot pink.

That is all,

Newt