TBWCYL Day 364 - Bye Bye Bookie

Yesterday was hard. I have held off doing this particular task until the end of this silly experiment but last night was time.

Back around Day 260 I was supposed to leave The Book in a public place and see if it came back to me. I guess in theory someone would find it, find my name and number in the front of the book and then call me. But, I waited on this because if it didn't come back quickly, or at all, then I would be without it to complete it and I wanted to finish the thing.

So, last night I bit the bullet and got rid of The Book. No, you didn't read that wrong, I no longer have The Book in my possession. Here is what I did.

First, I went to the day I was supposed to do this task, I think it was 262, and wrote a letter into the page.(see below)



Then, I wrote an additional letter in the front page of the book. So, when someone opened it, this is the first thing they would see. It stated that the book they hold was a year of my life and I would like it back. It contained my name and number in large print.

Diana and I then took it to the same Half Price Books that it was purchased from on January 1, 2009 and put it back on the shelf next to an unused copy. She snuck it in inside her purse and, like spies, we slyly placed it. My opy is the one on the right. I thought it very 'Circle of Life' to put it back where I got it.


Someone may buy it without realizing or they may just see a fully completed copy and buy it just to see how things went. I don't know. An employee may open it since it doesn't have a price and call me to come get it.

I feel a weight off of me. I finish the entire experiment on December 31st with my last task and it has been crazy. I will be disappointed if no one calls me about my copy. Maybe I will get it back one day and maybe I won't but either way I will have finished this thing and you guys have come along with me so thank you.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 363 - Calling in Sick

So, I was supposed to hand deliver all of my emails on Tuesday but I got crazy sick and was only able to work for about 2 hours. In that time I had no emails to deliver that weren't to another city or person at another building. I think my coworkers were avoiding me or something.

I puked at work and decided enough was enough and went home. I spent the remainder of the day curled up on the futon in a dark room, only coming out to get water and eat an occasional slice of bread to put something in my stomach. It was not pleasant.

So, no task completed today on account of sickness.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 362 - Swap me

Do you think you could do a co-workers job? Could they do yours? Well, I was tasked with finding out and today has been hellish.

Before I begin, I have an announcement to make. I got a new job within my company that will be starting after the new year. With it comes the opportunity to travel the country and do something challenging and completely different. I am now half training my replacement which lead to the task being much easier as no one at work knows about The Book.

To add to this a different coworker is on vacation this week and so I am covering for him while he is gone. This too helps the task for the day.

So, I have someone training to do my job and I am doing someone else's and it is tiring. I have been juggling shipping jobs for someone, which isn't something I normally do, as well as managing the call center the guy on vacation is in charge of. All of this is going on while trying to fit in minutes of training for my replacement. Oh, and I am starting to work on my new job duties too. Ahhhh!!!

I am ready for the day to end.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 361 - Tic, Tac, No

"Challenge everyone you meet to a game of Tic-Tac-To." Is 'meet' open to interpretation? I hope so because I only challenged one person to a game yesterday and that was Erin. We drove home from Midland yesterday so most of the day was spent with one of two kinds of people:

Relatives
Wife

Guess what? I already knew all of them so I didn't meet anyone new. Erin met us in Dallas and is staying with us for the week so when we all settled down, I was able to pull out a pad and ask to play a game of Tic-Tac-To. We tied, because as Erin stated, "We are two intelligent people". I am not sure if that is why but I will take it.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 360 - Cham-pag-ne

I was drunk by noon yesterday. I was tasked with drinking nothing but champagne all day yesterday and after getting up around 10, opened a bottle of $5 Cold Duck and drank the entire thing. Maybe drunk was too strong a word, more like tipsy. I went and got some burritos to fill me up and took a nap.

At 3 p.m. I was up again and uncomfortable. I am not one for napping and yesterday's endeavor just made my neck hurt and my head ache. No, I don't think the champagne had anything to do with it. I opened a bottle of dry something that I had bought and had a glass to wet my whistle.

My headache wouldn't go away and I had to relent and drink a glass of water. I think I was slightly dehydrated and didn't want to risk it getting worse. I had to get out of the house around 5 so I left my mother-in-laws and headed to my parents to visit.

One thing about me that you may realize is I can't sit still for long. I usually get up and move around, go find some work to be done, or just go to a store and walk around. I hate just sitting in front of a TV all day and during holidays that seems to be what happens the most and I am constantly bored. Last night, after finishing off the second bottle of champagne, I got just that: bored. I fidgeted a while and started to get hungry so while my wife's family sat around watching a football bowl game, I gave up and headed to get nachos and read. By this time it was 10 p.m. and I was dying for an ice tea and that is exactly what I had.

Champagne isn't the worst thing to have to drink all day but I wasn't really in the mood for alcohol. The problem was I had to do this task today because as you may have noticed, we are winding down on the number of days left for tasks and knowing what was left and my work schedule, I knew I had yesterday as the only day available to drink unrestrained.

5 more days of tasks left and we will close The Book forever. Whooo hoooo!

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 359 - Sketchy

So, Christmas was an eventful day. After opening presents with Diana's family, Diana set out to bake a Pumpkin Pie. My task for the day was to sketch someone opposite me on public transportation but since it was Christmas and I was in a small town with little public transport, I decided to just sketch her baking a pie. It is as rare an occurrence as me riding public transportation anyway.

I am not an artist by trade so please understand that this image is not very good. I haven't sketched in years.

The bubble above her head says,"My Pie!". This is due to the fact that Diana got her pie ready to go in the oven the pie tin collapsed on her and spilled all over the oven. The entire series of events is worthy of its own post and once I figure out who is writing it, it will be posted on either mine, or my wife's blog.

I forgot how hard sketching something can be. I used to have a minute amount of talent with pencil and paper when I was younger and did well in my art classes in high school. I think I wouldn't pass now.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 358 - Hot Spot

I increased my tolerance for hot food yesterday with some experimentation in Tabasco Sauce. Before opening our presents last night, we were sitting around and I went to refill my drink. I opened up the fridge and saw the bottle of Tabasco and without waiting to regret my decision, I poured about 6 spurts of sauce on my tongue and let it settle until I couldn't take it anymore.

My tongue caught fire and I rushed to the glass of ice tea that was waiting for me. It didn't do too much to eradicate the heat but it did help the transition as my tongue settled. I am not one for spicy food so this is one of those things where increasing tolerance meant building one to begin with.

My father gave me a chocolate bar with bacon mixed into it and I was trying to taste it but my tongue wasn't letting me savor the flavor. I still am not sure exactly the taste of it but I have some left so I will find out later.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 357 - Poor Old Man

Imagine being this guy:

Well, it is another year and I am spending Christmas all alone again. I got this stupid pink Snuggie from my son. That son of a bitch just doesn't have any sense. They put me in this "Assisted Living" facility and think once I am here they can just call once in a while and I will be happy. I don't have alzheimers, for God's sakes. I remember that they forget about me.

If my saint of a wife hadn't gone and died on me, I think this would be more tolerable. It is being alone that is killer. Sure, the daily card games make the time pass, and the library shuttle gets me a consistent supply of reading material but I want more. Why do the holiday's make things worse? What does the birth of a kid 2000 years ago have to do with making me long to see my grandkids? I think the cafeteria is serving some sort of holiday meal. I just hope they have gingerbread men. I like to bite the heads off and put them back on the plate.


Merry Christmas everyone. Tell your old people you love them.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 356 - The Write Off

My cousin Brian is the biggest Dick-head I know, and I know a lot of dick heads. Wait, that came out wrong. Anyway, for today's task I was to disinherit a relative and since my Granny died a few years ago, I think now it is safe to just pull up the tax return of life and write that bastard off completely.

You see, Brian was born as a giant douche. He got it from his father from what I can tell and as long as I have known him, he has never been pleasant, cordial or nice. He dips tobacco and leaves his spit cups around, he uses his family to get what he wants.

My main reason for disliking him so much is because of my Granny. When I was young, say 3 or 4, he was around quite a bit. She loved him so much and he ate it up and probably loved her back. However, as he got older, he let his relationship slide with her, can't say that doesn't happen from time to time but I think it made her sad. We were working in the yard one day, I used to help her weed her flower beds, and I said something like, "Granny, I love you and will never leave you". She came back with something to the affect of, "Oh, you'll leave me sometime and get busy and forget your old Granny, just like Brian did."

I was floored. How could she think I would ever do such a thing? She had Dr. Pepper and Ice Cream and all of my Legos were at her house. Plus, I loved sitting in her lap and watching Crooke and Chase on the Nashville network with her. I was so insulted. I said, "Granny, I could never do that. I love you too much and I will never leave." I don't think she believed me.

I count that as a defining moment in my life because I think it was one of the first times I realized what Loyalty was. I kept my promise to my Granny and even through college I would call her at least once a week and visit her every chance I could when I came home. When she died I was there to bury her ashes, even though it required flying to Alabama.

We had a viewing before her cremation and even though Brian did show up, he refused to look at the body. Some people said he didn't handle death well but I like to think it was shame for not being a better grandson. I haven't spoken to him since she died and honestly don't expect to unless he needed a kidney or something. I feel shame to think that he is my blood and the idea of disowning him doesn't make me feel anything. When you can't even muster any emotion for a person is when you know you don't care about that person anymore.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 355 - Kama Sutures

I don't normally bring my sex life into this blog but The Book decided it was necessary. We packed the car for our drive to Midland last night and before I put The Book in, I opened up the task for today, handed it to Diana, and said, "Pick One". No, she wasn't picking my task, but instead picking the way that it was done.

You see, yesterday was Kama Sutra Day and the makers of This Book Will Change Your Life were kind enough to give me a task I would love to do. There were about 15 different positions available on the page and Diana and I had a good time looking through them. Most I had to describe how they would work and I have to say, a few looked down right impossible for anyone but a ninja to be able to pull off. We settled on the one below and I filed The Book away.


I won't go into too many details but after warming up we attempted this thing to hilarious results. I am 6 feet tall, my wife is 5'7 or so. Our anatomy doesn't line up when we stand or apparently when we kneel so attempting this was tricky. They might has well have named this 'Just the Tip' because that is about all that was achievable. After about 30 seconds of trying to figure out where are legs should go and what the hell we were supposed to do, we both started laughing so hard that we pretty much just fell over and gave up.

At least now I don't feel like my $.26 went to waste.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 354 - Carvings

I put my initials in my neighbors tree today. It was my task to carve something into a tree and TV really fits well and is easy to carve so I went with it. I nonchalantly walked down the street and quickly stopped and pulled out a tiny screwdriver and popped them into the bark.

I supposed if the tree sheds or he goes out there and takes the bark off then my initials won't last long but they are there for now and that is all I can hope for.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 353 - Can I have your Autograph?

Imagine you are book hunting and pick up a book to find that the author's signature is in the front cover. "OMG!" you exclaim. This must be some mistake. How could I be so lucky as to have found a signed copy for dirt cheap?

That would be my doing.

While working at the comic book store today, I reached into the 10 cent comic boxes and grabbed a few of the shittiest issues I could find and signed them with a Sharpie. I put the writers name in as if it was a signed copy and placed it back in the box. The damage done was minimal and may even give someone a rush of excitement that they would never have achieved had I not done this.

Was it wrong of me to deface these books? Maybe. But that was my task and I thought doing about .30 worth of damage was better than defacing hardbacks at the local Borders.

I hope these don't end up on ebay or I will feel bad.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 352 - 26 cents and I still felt ripped off

I got drunk last night at a happy hour. I admit it. By 8 pm I was belligerently asking the waitress questions that I thought charming and had a great buzz going that lasted for a while. We went to the Flying Saucer to celebrate a friend passing her CPA exam and I got tipsy. We switched bars around 9 and I got mega hungry and decided to ditch the group and go to Chipotle for a burrito (I walked so don't think I drove drunk or anything).

Anyhow, after sobering up and eating a massive burrito I headed home. Diana was in a separate car and had to run an errand before meeting me at the house and by the time she got home I was verging on unconscious. The problem with that was my task, I hadn't forgotten to do it, I just needed her cooperation to get it done.

You see, I was supposed to join the many men who have paid for sex by... well, doing just that. I am not adverse to paying for sex if it is worth the money. In this day and age it almost seems like spending money on dinners and drinks for some ever changing amount of dates before sex takes place is just silly and if someone is willing to trade some tang for some cha-chang (This line strikes me as genius and I am going to get that trademarked) then more power to them.

I wasn't sure I was up for anything last night but thought I would try for the sake of The Book so when I got home, I checked the mail, got ready for bed, and went hunting for some cash to pay my lady of the night. I don't carry cash so I was literally counting change to see what it would get me. I found a quarter and a Canadian penny that for some reason was sitting in my change cup and deposited them on top of Diana's book on her bedside table. Then I slipped under the covers and tried to read...for about 20 seconds.

The next thing I know I am waking up to Diana coming home. In my daze I did hear her ask, "Is this my money to have sex with you?" I grumbled "Yes" and I have a feeling it didn't sound as sexy coming out of my mouth as it did in my head. So, I paid for sex last night and like many nights when I have been drinking, I didn't have any.

I don't know what is worse, the fact that I put money down for sexual favors and didn't get any or the fact that my wife didn't seem upset that I only offered 26 cents.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 351 - Red Sock, White Sock, Kickball, Tacky Shirt

Yesterday was our final game in the regular season of Kickball and The Good, The Bad and The Ballzy took on Kick Balls, Not Puppies. Sadly we lost in the final inning when a bad call got us out on second. It was in contention but was given to the other team and cost us the win at 5-6. No matter, we still had fun and I made it all the way to 3rd before being tagged out on a run home.

Along with kickball, we all wore tacky sweaters/shirts and this gave me the opportunity to complete a task. I was supposed to 'Out' myself as a This Book Will Change Your Life participant by wearing one red sock. Anyone who had done The Book would recognize my signal and know I was in the Brotherhood and come talk to me.

While this didn't happen, our Christmas theme was the perfect opportunity to wear a red sock without the normal people wondering why. So, I put on one red and one white sock and before the game started, I tucked my jeans into them and played the game with my red sock visible to all.

I went out to the bar after the game and played some Foosball and the entire time I kept my sock exposed. It was very festive. No one approached me so there must not have been any other Bookies in the bar or on the field. Such a shame too because I really would like to meet someone else that has gone through this.

14 days to go.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 350 - Mason mania

I was supposed to join the Freemasons yesterday. The Book had a form and everything. 2 problems with this. First, you had to have 2 Masons recommend you for entry, and two, Masons are F-ing crazy and I am afraid of them.

They are a secret society of people that don't let anyone into their inner circle. It is like Scientology except older. I have always been fearful of them and their ways. I saw Skulls with Joshua Jackson and I don't want to get involved with that crazy crap.

Another issue I have, and probably a reason they would deny my membership is that they have a constitutional declaration of belief in a the Supreme Being. I do not. I can see how that would go.

"Newt, do you claim allegiance to the Supreme Being?"
"erm...No, not really. Can I take a bench on that topic?"
"What?! No! You must pledge allegiance."
"To the Flag? I can do the Flag."
"No, get out of my sight."
"Toodles"

It wouldn't be pretty.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 349 - Timber

I was supposed to cut down a tree yesterday. Can you believe that? Like I can do that. I don't have an axe, a flannel shirt, or boots. And there is not tree I could cut that would not end up with me in jail for destruction of public property.

Since I am a fat ass I turned this into an exercise in food. Below is one of my seasonal favorites, Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes. They come in vanilla and chocolate and are freaking awesome. Notice they are trees? Good, otherwise I would have to disown you as readers.
I might not be able to swing an awe but if you hand me a box of these I will be your Paul Bunyan. I don't have a blue ox but I have a Babe named Diana. When I threw a tree on her lap I think she got more pleasure than I usually give her. We both ended up eating two of these, one chocolate and one vanilla a piece, before the night was over.

I was mad at myself for not yelling "Tiiimmmmbbbeeeerrrr!!!!" after eating each one though.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 348 - $20 for some chicken

I pulled a $20 out of the ATM today for my task. You see, there is this elaborate story on today's task about a man who gives a homeless person $20 and through a series of events is rewarded 100 fold because of it. Thus I was to give a homeless person a $20 and see what happens.

I went at lunch to find a homeless person. If you have ever hunted the homeless I will be placing a call to the proper authorities to report you. I, on the other hand, was out HARMLESSLY tracking the homeless today and was coming up with very little in the way of prey.

I first went to the local corner but there was no one to be found. I then checked the other three corners but they too were empty. I considered checking under a bridge but it was warm in Dallas today and seemed more likely to find them not home. The Whataburger I frequent has its fair share of vagabonds and I even went by there at both breakfast (I didn't eat) and lunch (again I didn't eat) but none were to be found.

Finally I hit a corner I knew to frequent the homeless population and struck gold. More like black gold actually as this particular homeless person was black. He wasn't as downtrodden as some I have seen but since 'beggars can't be choosers' I didn't feel right being choosy about my beggar. I pulled up to the corner he was at and flagged him over.

He was jovial as I held the money out the window and he jogged over. His sign read "Grub" which I took to mean he wanted some because being homeless and having the name Grub seemed to much bad karma for one person to be plagued with. He reached for the money and I said "Merry Christmas". He took it and then recognition hit his eyes as he realized the value. He said "Thanks. Now I can get some food" and darted across the street and headed to the local Church's Chicken.

The irony that a black man went straight to a chicken place made me laugh and also feel slightly racist. However the feeling of doing a good deed overcame it and put a smile on my face. I suppose I will now wait for my karmic rewards.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 347 - Is anyone there?

Did you call me yesterday? Well if you did I didn't answer. In fact, I didn't answer the telephone at all yesterday. If anyone called I wouldn't have anyway. It turns out it isn't difficult to ignore phone calls when you don't get them.

Is it pathetic that no one thought, "I should call Trinity on Sunday"? Maybe a little but I don't really use the phone that much. I got an iPhone and only got that cause it was cool and had mobile Internet. It had nothing to do with the phone per se.

If I am absolutely honest, I spent all day with Diana yesterday and kept meaning to check my task but didn't get around to it until 6 or so and by then it was just coincidence that I hadn't had a phone call. As I told Diana, "Yeah for accidentally completely my task today".

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 346 - Speech! Speech!

I made a speech on Saturday. It wasn't an especially moving speech or a rousing one but on the way home from an awesome Sister Hazel concert, Diana and I were discussing stuff and I took control.

We had been in a discussion about some personal things that I won't go into on here, nothing bad, and I made a clear and concise speech about what I thought we should do and all of the reasons behind my thinking. I pointed out what I thought was the right way to go about it and after some consideration, she agreed with me.

How is that for speechifying?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 345 - Old Age

I am 27 years old and hope to retire from real work when I get to about 65 or so. A few years back, Diana and I decided this and moved forward with some investing that we decided we needed to do to get us to the place where we could retire in style and not have to work forever. I tell you all of this because for today's task I was supposed to plan for old age.

I wonder what old age will be like. I am going to guess my house will be paid off by age 65 so we will just have to have money for fuel cells for our flying cars and for the space travel expeditions we will go on. I bet Jupiter is lovely this time of year.

I am going to bank on having a personal teleporter because I really think someone will figure that technology out in 40 years. Also, I am going to guess I will be able to have extra appendages added to my body so I can have the prehensile tail I have always wanted. Now your thinking, "a 65 year old man with a monkey tail sounds pretty gruesome" but I am looking forward to it so you can just take you gene-splicing prejudice and stuff it.

I figure I will live to at least 90 so having 25 years off is going to get old pretty quickly. If jobs aren't completely outsourced to India by 2047 then I can get a job for a few hours a week that will be for the best. Having me get bored is usually a bad idea. If not, I suppose I could always just sit all day and read my comics because by that point I will probably have so obscene an amount that it will be dangerous.

All in all I think old age will be pretty cool.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 344 - Naval digging

Holy Hell it was cold yesterday. It was Thursday yesterday and that meant another round of kickball. I was asked to line ref the game before ours so I showed up around 7 and thourougly regretted it. I don't know the actual temperature that we hit yesterday but I would guess it was in the 30s and even though I tried to dress warm, I didn't do well and thought I might loose my toe to frostbite. Our team won its game against the Hamburglers though so we are on a three game win streak.

As for my task, I was to collect my belly button lint and send it in to the Benrik Corporation to help make a sweater for a dog they had photographed and placed in The Book. I hope by now he already has a sweater but there is a small envelope on my desk that is headed to NYC with two small wads of lint from yesterday. I excavated the second helping before getting into bed and all I can say is, "My belly button lint is blue". Not sure what that is about.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 343 - Pine-ing

I didn't find this stupid tree so I don't get $1000. I could have used it too.

That is all,

Newt

p.s. Ignore that the task is for day 344. I had to rearrange.

TBWCYL Day 342 - Let me get that for you

Who says chivalry is dead? Oh wait, I meant chauvinism. I got to pretend yesterday that I was living in the 50's, where men were men and women didn't count. Sure, they had a few perks but lets face it, they weren't thought much of, and that is the way I like it.

I was kind to women most of the day, opening doors, taking a cart off of their hands at the store so they wouldn't have to walk them back, etc. But when I got home, that is when the real fun began. I put my wife in her place. "Cook me dinner woman!" was yelled; "Bring me a beer" exclaimed. She was my servant, the way God intended her to be. When she talked, I made sure she knew how stupid her ideas were. You don't want them getting any ideas about 'Girl Power' or any of that shit.*

What a good day,

That is all,

Newt

*Actually, yesterday consisted of me coming home to an empty house and warming up chili until 9 when Diana finally came home and we watched "So You Think You Can Dance". I was polite enough to control the remote and fast forward through all the commercials. It is hard to boss someone around who isn't there.

TBWCYL Day 341 - Butter makes it better

I was supposed to do something kinky yesterday. I made that the first sentence because after that it is on your head if you read anymore of this post.

My wife was running late last night and didn't end up getting home until after 8. She is out of commission at the moment so using her in my kinky act seemed unlikely so I determined I was going to have to manage with things myself.

I have been trying to get in the Christmas spirit and part of that has been with cooking. I feel like when you cook it warms your house and a warm home is one of the things I associate heavily with Christmas. Last night for my culinary endeavor I decided to mix butter and brown sugar into a paste and drizzle it on almonds and pecans and roast them so I could take them to work. After getting them in the oven I decided to complete my task.

So, the kinky thing I did...well I rubbed one out with butter on my hands. Now I didn't use a stick of butter or anything but after I got finished coating my nuts I just didn't wash my hands. So there was butter on my fingers and I thought, 'What the hell'.

My nuts turned out well.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 340 - Meat me in St. Louis

I have a bad feeling I will regret yesterday. I was tasked with being a carnivore and was allowed to only eat red meat yesterday. No veggies, no bread, no sweets. I had to adjust this a little by saying, "Only Eat Meat" because I couldn't make breakfast without it.

I went to the store around 9 a.m. to grab eggs and bacon. I cooked it up and probably ate about 10 slices when all was said and done. I am sure that won't backfire on me.

After running around all day I started to get hungry and we were at Target so I bought some beef jerky and dove into it once we hit the car. Diana hates the smell of beef jerky but she fought through it. I however love the stuff and could eat it all day. She said, "What flavor is that?" and all I had to say back was "Beef".

While at the store during the morning, I also bought 2 steaks and since it is cold here, I decided to broil them. They turned out decent enough so for dinner I had steak. Just steak. No potato or green beans. Just steak.

God I wanted a piece of bread. How those Atkin's Diet people do it I will never know.

Funny story. We only ate one steak so at 9 p.m. last night I took a knife and went to town on the other cooked slab of beef and cut it into tiny slices. I headed back to the store to get everything for chili and came home to start it up. I decided I would leave it simmering overnight and then finish cooking it after work today.

I started cutting the onions and halfway through I was balling my eyes out. This was the most pungent onion I had ever cut into. After suffering through it I moved onto two very small jalapenos. I seeded them and chopped them and put them in. When I was done I washed my hands and sat down to read while my chili was simmering.

I pick my nose a lot. If I feel something stuck in there I act like a three year old and dig until I can't dig anymore. Apparently I didn't get my fingers clean after cutting the jalapenos because as I was reading a comic and winding down, I started an excavation project and about 2 minutes later, my nostrils were on fire. Have you ever had a burning sensation inside your nasal cavity? It hurts.

I was running around trying to clean it out with a wet paper towel and Diana was laughing at me when I asked, "What do you do to stop the burning?" Diana said, "Put bread on it, the carbs stop the burning" and I was desperate so I ran to the breadbox and pulled out a slice of Wheat and ripped two wads off and shoved them up my nose. I'll be damned if it didn't work.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 339 - He does exist!

Christmas is upon us and with it means Santa is just around the bend. I have already seen him at multiple stores with little snot nosed virus vessels sitting on his lap. I enjoy Christmas alright but haven't had the gusto for it that I did when I first started life. I think that every year it looses a little of its fun. I think once we start having children things might be different but until that far off day arrives I will just have to enjoy the little things about Christmas.

One of my favorite little things is how blindly children believe in Santa and I support that belief whole heartily. It came in handy today because I was supposed to convince a child that Santa does exist. I had to work at the comic book store yesterday so I thought I would get plenty of chances to ask kids if they were excited for Santa's visit because I figured I would either get a big "YES" or a " Santa isn't real" to which I would lay the "truth" on them and set them back on the path of belief.

That didn't happen. Not one kid was in that could talk so logically I didn't get to try. But I still had time and we went to 'ICE' at the Gaylord Texan here in Dallas. ICE is an interesting thing. This giant resort takes their convention center and closes part of it off. Then they bring some Chinese people in from somewhere in China and set up tents and build ice sculptures and paint them or dye them to the right color and you get to walk through and see it. The room is kept at between 9 and 14 degrees so you are issued a parka before walking in the door.

This year's theme was "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and so all the sculptures were scenes from the book. My wife will surely post about it so if you want to see pictures, get to her blog. Anyway, we were taking a 4 year old with us which I figured was a perfect target. That little brat was not good to use because she had mood swings from super happy to crying to grouchy all in the space of 10 seconds. I kept trying to ask her but she just stuck her tongue out at me. I never did get an answer from her.

I had a few good arguments for Santa's existence that I didn't get to use.

1: If he didn't exist then how come all of these people believe and you don't? (Kids don't understand commercialism)
2: I know Santa exists because I caught him once putting presents under my tree. (I would then make up an elaborate story about how I came out of my room because I set a trap for Santa and caught him. I had to free him and he told me that what I did was naughty but he still gave me the Ninja Turtle I wanted.)
3. He does so. Nya Nya. (And I stick my tongue out at them.)

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 338 - Rainbow chaser

I was supposed to dig at the end of a rainbow yesterday but I couldn't find one. You would think the makers of this book would have had some forethought to say, "We should only make tasks that are achievable". I thought I might stumble across a fake one on the street and I would just dig at it but I couldn't find one.

I feel like the last of the tasks are less interesting than the beginning ones. I haven't had tasks the level of 'give yourself an enema' or 'don't talk all day'. I honestly feel the days winding down and can't wait until January 1st when I don't have to remember to check my book before I leave the house so I can figure out what I have to do for the day.

That is all,

Newt

Busted - A Post about being a nerd and a compulsive shopper

I think I made a grave error in judgement. Remember a few weeks ago when I was helping my coworker find a comic related gift for his nephew? Well, that kind of backfired on me. It started innocently enough. I got on ebay to look for something for his nephew and found a few things. If you haven't ebayed before you might not realize this, but sellers ususally sell more than one thing. It is old hat that when you are buying something from a seller that you usually just check out his or her other auctions to see what else they are selling so if you are interested you can buy more and save on the shipping.

All in all this is usually a good idea but when you are Newt the Wonder Frog, things can turn a little froggy and that is when you know you are in a bad place. I found an auction for him and did just as I said, checking the other availible items when I came across this beauty.

Meet the Mole Man. He is a Fantastic Four villian and was only $9.99. How could I turn it down? Well, I couldn't and this was the match that lit the dynamite that ended with me finding over $300 in mini-busts from three different sellers and a huge drop in my personal spending. Below is the rest of my haul.

Mysterio

Rhino

Hobgoblin

The Lizard

Kraven the Hunter

Morbius the Living Vampire

Black Cat

The Vulture

Sandman

Hulk - Grey Version

The Beast

Wolverine

Bucky the sidekick to Captain America

Yellowjacket

The Absorbing Man

I was so excited to put them up on display for my shelves, or most of them anyway. The Wonder Frog Sculpture Gallery now has a Fantastic Four and Spiderman display. The original Avengers exhibit has been retired for now.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 337 - Space, the Expensive Frontier

I was supposed to go to www.spaceadventures.com yesterday and sign up to go into space. After perusing the site I just have to say.

Are. You. F-ing. Crazy?

Go to that site and look around. Go on, I'll wait. Did you see that shit? Who has $9,700 for Centrifuge training? Or $89,000 for Cosmonaut training? I mean really. And the guy who founded Cirque de Soleil apparently just went into space. Who does that? It would be cool, don't get me wrong, but I don't have that kind of cash.

I know space travel is getting cheaper and I can foresee one day when travel sites like Orbitz will be offering one way tickets to the moon but it sure as hell hasn't happened yet. Maybe in 40 years I can go up when I retire.

Damn!

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 336 - Wine-O

Howdy all. I am slightly tipsy and becoming a wine connoisseur at the moment. This was a task I could get behind. I was supposed to become a Wine Master by following these four steps.

I opened a bottle of Montes Classic Series 2008 Cabernet Sauvignon that was in my wine bar, I think I may have bought it on discount from somewhere, and poured myself a glass. It had an angel on the bottle and looked fancy.

Step 1: Swirl
I swirled the glass but it was really full so I didn't get the effect I was looking for. The color of the wine is a rich rouge and it has very little leg on it. Again that may be due to the size of the glass.

Step 2: Sniff
With my honker that isn't a problem. The smell is acidic in nature with a slightly subtle hint of rubbing alcohol to it.
Step 3: Taste
Wine in my mouth. Yep, that is wine. Just kidding. I took a sip and let the wine hit all parts of my tongue. The acid makes the tip tingle and the back of my throat burn. Clearly this was discount wine as it leaves my tongue with that burned feeling that makes you know your taste buds have met their match.

Step 4: Spit
Fuck That! I don't spit out alcohol and anyone who says you should is a stupid ass piece of poop that smells like patchouli and looks like Chelsea Clinton. Sorry, Chelsea. You aren't attractive.

Well, I guess I still have about half a bottle to finish off of this fantastic year in wine. I suppose I should have eaten something first but....zzzzzzzz.

TBWCYL Day 335 - If I was invisible

It is not easy becoming invisible. Unlike the movies, there is no elixir you can drink to make you see through. I was tasked with being as invisible as possible today and did my best to avoid people and make myself as unnoticeable as possible.

I started the process by avoiding carpool. I drove myself in and home so as not to talk to my coworker. My office has two doors and I shut one of them fully and the other partially to make people think I needed to be left alone which ended up working better than I thought possible.

We are in the middle of recruiting season which causes us to have to interview upcoming graduates pretty regularly and today was one of those days. Thus, I couldn't stay hidden all day. I had to participate in some of the interview process which blew my cover for invisibleness.

I went to lunch and huddled in the corner of the Subway and read with my back to the restaurant. When I was leaving I thought, "If the police came and asked if they anyone had seen me, the people would say 'no'" Mission accomplished!

I must have been doing something right because after lunch one of my coworkers came by my desk and asked, "Where have you been all day?" Pretty good huh?

The rest of the day I got pulled into a few things and didn't get the transparency I was looking for but I was still invisible enough throughout the day to feel like this is one in the win column.

That is all,

Newt