That looks like S#!+

A terrible tragedy has befallen the Wonder frog Dynasty. With our new house comes home upgrades and we are currently in the stages of painting the Master Bathroom. My homosexual side came out when I decided we needed to have an Accent wall in our bathroom that was to be Chocolate Brown. So, Tuesday night I was doing some secondary touch ups on the wall to cover what my base coat had missed. I was on a ladder when Diana walked in. She is in Canada and was packing for her trip.

She went into our closet, which is in our Master bath, and as I was coming down the ladder I wasn't paying attention. I thought I was one step lower than I was and fell backwards. In the process I grabbed the ladder and knocked a lid full of paint onto the brand new carpet in our closet. It now looks like a dog shit all over our carpet and dragged it.

Needless to say, I am now having to get more carpet for our closet.

That is all,

Newt

If I was Invisible...

No, I am not singing that Clay Aiken song, though it sure is catchy. First, let me start by saying that I believe my creative side is linked to my bladder because I come up with some of my best stuff when I am peeing. Case in point, What would I do if I could become invisible?



I decided that if I could become invisible I would eat a lot of beans and randomly walk around loudly farting next to really attractive people. If done correctly, I could make everyone believe that some hot girl let one rip and it would smell awful. I'm not kidding either. My farts can get really rank. They smell like liquid Ass.

Back to what I was saying, the possibilities are endless for my inviso-toots. You could wait until some guy was standing at a urinal and let a loud one go. No one would believe him when he said he didn't do it. Or you could get pay back on that girl that said no to you when you asked them out in high school by going to her wedding and as she leans in to kiss the groom, wet fart. That would teach her to turn you down.

The penultimate would be if you just inviso-farted in a room with only one person in it. They would be sitting there and hear one rip while they were all alone. How weird would you feel if you heard a fart and smelled it when you were the only one home. Creepy. Dammit I wish I could become invisible.

That is all,

Newt

Fenced In

We got a fence!!!! I came home yesterday and this Mexican guy was just putting up the last pickets on our brand new fence. Do you know what this means? I don't have to walk the dogs anymore!!!

As soon as the fence was complete I started doing yard work. I figured out how to turn my sprinkler system on, went to Lowe's and bought some hedge trimmers, trimmed the hedges and cleaned. What is it about having something new that makes you want to clean? I can only figure that it is because when you look at your shiny new whatever you got, you just want everything else to be shiny and new too.

Duncan and Hazel love their new back yard and I we can now start leaving Hazel out during the day. Hopefully they don't dig their way out.

That is all,

Newt

A True Scary Story

Last night Diana and I watched a horror film. Most of you may never have heard of it but it is a documentary about a cult that is hiding in middle America. The story focuses on kids as they are brainwashed into a dark religion of hatred and fear. They are placed into classes with other students and preached to about eternal damnation and the Devil.

Their parents, also followers in the cult, keep their children at home and teach them as opposed to sending them into the world of public school. You may have heard of this cult. They call it...

CHRISTIANITY!!!

The movie was called "Jesus Camp" and it follows a sect of Evangelical Christians as they teach their children the love of the Lord through screaming, threat of eternal damnation, and hatred of anyone that is different. You would just have to watch the movie to see all of the scary shit that goes on but for example...

There was a 9 year old girl who goes up to a group of black men and asks one of them "If you died today where would you go?" The man answers "Heaven" and the girl asks "Are you sure?" He says yes so she and her friends leave and the girl says to her friends "I think they were Muslim."

The ideas these people have made my mouth drop. I was so amazed at the fact that these people can blatantly make statements like "Christianity is the only thing that answers all the questions...If you ignore science and use Christianity." (this is paraphrased because I forgot the exact wording.) Or when the same woman teaches her son that "Global warming isn't a big deal."

While I normally shy away from organized religion because these people scare me. This is a radical representation of Christianity but it is the crazy people in any area that keep people away. When I see kids speaking in tongues it just doesn't seem like the kind of thing I want to be a part of. Everyone should see this movie.

That is all,

Newt

Holy Lawn Care Batman!!!

Well I suppose I am officially a homeowner now. Sure, I have redone a few things here and there. Textured walls, painted, had carpet installed, etc. But Wednesday I completed a rite of passage known as "The First Mow".

I am an old pro at mowing yards but to actually own the yard I was mowing is quite a feat. To be more precise, I actually mowed weeds with an occasional blade of grass thrown in. My mother-in-law to be was kind enough to give us her lawnmower, weed eater and blower so I was all set. My yard being so small, it didn't take long to finish.

Yesterday I went out and bought a spreader and some weed killer/fertilizer and put that out so hopefully I can get a lush green yard instead of a plot filled with weeds of unknown origin.

That is all,

Newt

Sangria, the hidden dangers

Yesterday, Diana and I were running around and found out her dad was coming to Dallas for Spring Break. They were coming to look at the house so we rushed home to meet them. We came in and the house smelled really wheaty, almost as if a beer had been spilled and left to sit. Diana started giving her dad and step mom the tour when I found the cause of the smell.

My good buddy, Dan had given us a bottle of White Sangria for Christmas and I had sat it on our bar in the wine rack. I walked into the dining room to try to locate the smell when I saw a cork laying near the wall. I looked at the bar and the bottle of Sangria was empty.

I don't know why but during the day, the bottle popped its cork and since it was on its side, began to pour all over our bar, table, and floor. It took forever to get cleaned up and I had to throw the runner that was on the bar in the trash. I even had to take the bar apart to get all of the Sangria that had leaked into it.

Needless to say, our floor is sticky. And not in a good way.

That is all,

Newt

Not the taste, or the smell...It was the texture

Well what a crazy weekend. My dad, Tebo, came down to the big D this weekend to help me texture our bathroom walls. Boy was I glad because I am fairly certain that I would have failed miserably at it had he not been there. We went to Home Depot and rented a hopper to texture with and by Saturday at 1 we, and by we I mean mostly dad, were finished.

We spent the rest of the day hanging with Cousin Kristy and I finally went to one of the bars around my house. I have been hoping to find a place to go for a beer that wasn't ridiculously expensive or far away and I think I may have found such an Oasis. It is called The Sterling Bar and Grill and holds pool tables, shuffleboard, and moderately priced beer.

The best part of dad's visit was after we got back from the bar. Diana and I own this game called Charoodles. It involves using props and playing Charades. You get a series of things to act out and have to use one of the props during your actions. Well, Dad got 'Superhero Abilities' and if you have never seen a 52 year old man try to act out Mind Reading, Invisibility(in which he went and hid behind a wall), Flight, and Super Strength then you have not lived. The best part is his face every time Diana guessed an answer correctly.

To finish off the weekend, Dad installed a dog door in our back door before going back to Midland. I was so happy to have his help because I would not have been able to get the things done that we did without him.

Thanks Dad,

Newt

Captain America R.I.P.

Well, for those of you who haven't heard, Captain America was killed in issue 25 of his series. While being escorted from prison following his surrender at the end of Marvel's Civil War, a sniper working for Cap's Arch nemesis, the Red Skull, shot him through the chest.

In the commotion, Captain America's girlfriend, Sharon Carter, shot him three times in the stomach. I know, what a bitch. But cut her some slack. She was under the control of the Red Skull at the time. How would you feel if you killed the man you love and had no control over it.

The reason I am writing this post is that this story has hit the media and made a big stink. I was reading some responses to the MSN story and people were saying that killing Captain America was political and unAmerican. That Marvel made a mistake in killing him since we are at war. I have also read people say that this is all a ploy to sell more comics.

To this I say, "No Shit!" That's what Marvel does. It sells comics. And fuck you, public opinion. Your opinion is ridiculous. Almost all of the people who have commented on this story don't even read comics. They weigh in on his death but they don't read. Why the hell do you care? You haven't been reading it. You read the story online and thought, "Well that's unAmerican. They destroyed a symbol of freedom." Bull. People make me so angry. They comment on things that they don't know about and try to make it sound like they care.

You can watch an MSN report on it Here. And an interview with the writer of Captain America, Ed Brubaker Here.

That is all,

Newt

Tuber...It's not a Tuber

What is up with the soggy fry? Diana and I went to Whataburger for breakfast last week and I got fries and low and behold, there was a soggy fry in the fry container. Having worked fast food for years I never could understand why people under cook the fries.

First, french fries are to stay in really hot grease for 3 to 3.5 minutes. If you are in a hurry, 2.5 minutes will do but it just never tastes as good. I understand the term is 'Fast Food" but who can't wait that long?

Second, there is this disdain for the world that occurs when you have been eating crispy, salty fries and you reach in and grab a soggy spud. I mean, c'mon. Cook all the fries. I shouldn't have to miss out on that heart clogging goodness just because Rosita, the fry lady can't keep her fuckin' basket in the oil. It has a timer Rosita, a timer! That means you don't pull the baskets out until the beep!!! WHY DO YOU HATE THE FRIES, ROSITA!?! YOU STUPID BI...

Whoa, that got out of hand.

That is all,

Newt

Bounce back

Last night Diana and I went to dinner and I had to pee. So I went to the bathroom and stood at the urinal when I realized that I was in flip flops. Women, you have probably never faced this problem unless you just have a weird stream but if you wear flip flops to the urinal, you had better be damn careful about pee splashing.

There is a fine art to peeing in a urinal. Aim to high and you get a fine mist of pee shooting back at you, aim to low and you create a popping that causes pee to fly at you like a grenade. Normally this is an acceptable occurrence but if you happen to be in sandals or flip flops, you will walk away with pee on your feet. You do not want pee on your feet.

Luckily, I didn't just go all willy nilly and let fly before checking my surroundings. I was able to flow without any overflow, if you know what I'm saying. I remember when I used to go to Ulmer Park Swimming Pool and would use the urinals that dropped straight down to the floor. We were to dumb to realize you needed shoes in a swimming pool bathroom and I would always end up with pee on my bare feet. Luckily I would just get back in the pool and let the yellow wash away. I love Chlorine.

That is all,

Newt

Cry me a River

I was watching a movie today called 'The Puffy Chair' and two of the characters get in a fight and break up. When they decide that their relationship is over they do that 'hug and then sort of kiss.' This made me think of the break-ups I have had and those goodbyes that I went though.

As my mind tends to wander, breakups made me think of the Salty Kiss. You know that kiss that you have when the girl has shed a few tears over your final goodbye. Alright, so maybe I am the one that sheds the tears but dammit, I am a sensitive dude. You go in for a hug and then have that awkward last kiss that is a mixture of lips and tears. It's always really warm and moist. I only assume that everyone has had these kisses. They are also around during fights.

Fighting seems to be a catalyst for tear kisses. And is it just me or does everyone fear that the tears are really snot and the salt is just boogers running over your lips as you kiss? I know that is gross but seriously, it could be boogers you are kissing goodbye. Boogers!!!!

That is all,

Newt