Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Aged, like a fine wine

I am closing in on 28 and it appears my body is falling apart already. Not sure why but I would guess it has just passed the warranty period and now will begin to fall apart rapidly and with resounding disappointment.

Three weeks ago I got out of my truck and my knee was injured. "Did you get hit by a car like a real man?" you ask. No, I literally just swung my legs out of the truck and when my right leg hit the ground I had a sharp pain in my knee joint and it has progressed nicely into a dull pain and massive amounts of swelling. It makes getting up a bitch too. Imagine a turtle on his back and you can get a decent idea. I have spent the last few nights having this conversation with myself and/or Diana if she is in town.

"I think my knee is swollen. It looks bigger. At least I think it looks bigger. Maybe it is in my head but it really feels swollen. I definitely think it is swollen." I then stand and look at it in the mirror and try to compare my two knees. Since they are both kind of fat and scarred up from years of neglect they look almost the same.

Oh, and the greatest moment of my life happened last night. I had to buy my first tube of Preparation H. Yep, that's right. I have a nice anal burning that needed the soothing that only a small tube of yellowish gel could quench. I say quench because that is the best description for the feeling of having gel in your anal cavity for hours on end. I had the continual feeling of having sharted.

I got doubly lucky because when I went to buy The H I got the embarrassment pleasure of having to buy the tube from a woman. When I saw her I just decided I should walk up and say "Yep, I have anal itch and sharp pain in my rectum but you already knew that due to this extremely embarrassing purchase I am making." Instead I just avoided eye contact and hoped The H shrinks embarrassment with the same gusto as my butt hole.

That is all,


8 Ripples in the pond:

Girl Interrupted said...

Anal burning??

Oh dear, God! WAY TMI!

*frantically tries to imagine the turtle on his back since that is an infinitely better mental image than the one left imprinted on her brain by the Preparation H tale*

Ps: Hope you feel better soon

Trinity said...

I knew when writing this that it was TMI but that is what you get sometimes.

Addy's Daddy said...

That is what we get a whole lot of the time. Even after all these years, HLM, you continue to surprise me and make me laugh. Kudos!

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahahahhaha, ohh you poor thing!

I got tendonitis from wearing high heels too much, so I think I can empathise!

Erin said...

You are so full of TMI...and apparently other things. Better get in shape before Peanut shows up, buddy - kid's going to have you running around in circles. Well, not so early on in life. But, you know...later.

words...words...words... said...

When you purchase embarrassing items, you always need to buy other, more normal items to blunt the impact. Sort of like watering down the gin so your mother doesn't get drunk before dinner and embarrass you. (See, my TMI blunted yours!)

I recommend that next time you purchase colored construction paper, glitter, and magic markers along with the Preparation H. Then remark to the cashier that Preparation H makes a better glue than actual glue.

Trinity said...

words - I will consider that but I hope to have this one tube for years to come. Maybe I will fondly look back on it and say, "Oh yeah, I forgot I bought that."

And is there such a thing as TMI or do people just need to open their minds?

Murr Brewster said...

I like words...words...words' idea, but you could go the non-normal route, too. Get the Prep H and a feather boa and a can of tennis balls and some Gerbil Chow. Go all in!