The truth about Slander

Well, I think I hurt Thomas' feelings with my last post because he went and tried to be mean to me in revenge. Darn it if he just couldn't do it very well. I know everyone is on the edge of their seats wondering why I lashed out like I did. Well I will tell you.

Thomas won't come see me. Boo Hooooo!!!!

That's right, I wanted Thomas and Jess to come here for New Years so they could celebrate it in our brand new house and maybe help unpack. I mean, who wants to spend their New Years in Midland. There is nothing to do there aside from a bar, a bowling alley, and a drive in. So what if he already told people he would be there. Who cares if he doesn't get to see his family. I am talking about pleasing me. That is more important. I was going to find something so super awesome to do, but now I guess I don't have to now.

So Thomas, I sure hope sitting at home on New Years Eve is all kinds of fun because as you're doing it I would hate for you to regret going to Midland. I would hate to think you were sitting there, about to get ready for bed because no one came up with anything to do.

Merry Freakin' Christmas and a effin Happy New Year,

Newt

Slander

I am pretending to be annoyed with Thomas so I present to you The Slander of Thomas.

Thomas is a loser. He is so stupid he couldn't even get on the special bus. And have you smelled his breath? Whooo!!! I think he must have hypnotized Jessica into marrying him and I am still trying to figure out the secret word that will get her to wise up. I am fairly sure he always has Swamp Ass, at least that is the only explanation that I could come up with for his raunchy odor.

He is a raging hornball in real life. He goes around hooting and hollerin' at all the girls he sees. I think he slept with one of the Jacksons, though I can't tell if it was Micheal or LaToya because they look so similar. What is up with his kumquat fetish? There for a while he used to have them all over his room and I had to sleep downstairs when he really got going.

Finally, he never chews his food all the way. This may not seem that bad, but after he swallows he always asks "Did it go down?" and when you say yes he always replies "That's what she said." Oh, and I know for a fact that three cheerleaders in high school were rumored to be carrying his love children... and they all had the clap. You do the math.

Well, I guess that is enough bullsh...facts for today. Maybe next time, Thomas, you won't be such a loser.

Courage.

Newt

Can I be gay?!?

Do you ever wish you could be gay but just not have the sex? It seems like the perfect scenario. I watch 'How I Met Your Mother' and one of the guys loves those pink drinks w/fruit in them but he can't order them because he looks gay when he does it. So they go to a gay club and he gets to drink his drink without getting judged.

I will make some confessions now. First, I liked High School Musical. Yes I have the soundtrack and I secretly want to go see the show when it comes to Dallas. Yet I won't. I could definably get away with it if I were gay though. Also, I kind of like Celine Dion but I can only listen when she is on the radio(Or in private. Shh, don’t tell).

Also, if I could be gay without the sex, I would finally be able to dance. I think it is part of the gay gene. Another thing, I doubt I would have to ask Diana if my shirt and pants matched if I was gay. And when I go by myself to see 'The Devil Wears Prada' I won't be looked at funny.

Yep, I think being gay would be great as long as I could keep my poop shoot closed. I mean, I have a Hetero-life partner anyway. And yes, I am reading Sex in the City and I am enjoying it.

That is all,

Newt

So, How'd you meet?

I have recently been bombarded on the web with this website for a company called 'True'. There is always a picture of some really cute girl in a bikini or something like it and it says 'Live, Love, Learn'. It is always the sidebar for my Hotmail account and uses the same couple of girls over and over again.

After viewing this stupid ad for the umpteenth time I just have to ask, "Do dating sites work?" I have only met one person who has used one and she told me that it was awful. She was my neighbor in college and got in the rut of being a divorced thirty year old in Lubbock, Texas. After she told me she had used one, I think it was Match.com, she said all the guys on there were losers or were so far away that it was impossible to see them.

I hate to generalize people who use these sites because I am sure that they hold some value, but I just wonder how far down the dating ladder you are when you use them. I have to imagine that the people on these sites are introverts with very few options left to them. I, being an extrovert, have never had any real trouble meeting a woman so it is hard to put myself in the shoes of someone who logs on to eHarmony or True. To me, it seems like if you have exhausted your available pool of people, maybe it is time for a change in lifestyle.

If you are always sitting at home watching TV, maybe you should turn off the computer and go outside. If you live in a town where men or women aren't readily available, move. If you are the fat guy or girl living in your parents spare room, move out and go on a diet. Maybe this is harsh but its true. I have known so many people, ex. Tim Burleson, who never moved out of the house and got bigger and bigger while simultaneously loosing personal skills. He stayed in a dead end job at Albertsons and is more than likely never going to make anything of himself.

Again, a generalization, but if you are having trouble meeting someone, should you really turn to other people who are having the same trouble or instead go look for the people who are doing fine in that area and try to adapt. Really, if you aren't bringing anything to the table, no one will come to eat.

That is all,

Newt

What's up with Racists?

Has anyone noticed that there have been quite a few racial slurs by celebrities lately? First Michael Richards blows up on stage and yells the N word over and over from out of nowhere and then Andy Dick tries to make fun of it and it is so awkward that he ends up having to apologize.

Now, MSN is asking the question, “Were Rosie’s comments racist?” Is this some sort of celebrity epidemic where they see a racist and see how much press it gets so they jump on it and start spouting racial slurs? And should they apologize?

I don’t want it to sound like I support racism but clearly, if you feel that way then your apology is somewhat tainted. It’s not like Kramer was saying something and let the N word slip in there. He just kept yelling at them. Then he goes on TV and explains that it just started pouring out of him and he feels so ashamed.

Really? That is your excuse? If you’re racist then you’re racist. If you feel bad about it then maybe you should apologize but if you are a racist then you wouldn’t have a problem with what you said. None the less, celebrities need to keep their mouths shut.

That is all,

Newt

Savin' Money

As most of you know, we are buying a house. And this means we will need to start being more responsible with our money. Well, I like to be proactive so this morning I started considering ways to cut back and make things last longer.

While doing this I thought of one way to save water. The phrase "If it's Yellow let it mellow, if its Brown, flush it down" instantly popped into my noggin and I thought of how many flushes we really use just on pee.

Then my mind began to wander and I thought, "Does that work for the color blind?" Well, I assume it does but just in case I made up a colorless version of that lovable limerick.

"If it's water, let it sit. Only flush it when its..."

Well, you get the idea.

That is all,

Newt

Mouse Trap

Last night Diana and I went to Target(pronounced Tar-je cause its French) and in an impulse buy that was completely Diana we bought the wonderful board game, Mouse Trap.

Side story for you, when I accidentally burned my old house down I owned this game. As they pulled my smoldering toy chest out of the window of my bedroom, pieces of the game were melted together in a multicolored conglomerate of trap. I haven't played it since.

But hey, I am a man who gives everything another chance and I did love it. We came home and started playing, but as neither of us knew the rules, it was time to break them out and read them. I have just one question. "How in the Hell is a child supposed to play this game?" There are so many different steps to Mouse Trap. First you have to make sure you get cheese pieces, you only build part of the trap if you land on a space that has the correct number of players, you get stuck on this circle that never ends. I didn't know what was going on.

Luckily, I still beat Diana so fast that she couldn't see straight. I just have to say, "Damn, Hasbro"
That is all,

Newt

It's my Homey!

For those of you who haven't heard, Diana and I are buying a house. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind because all of this got decided pretty quickly. We found a cute place in Lewisville, Texas that is a 3br, 2bath with a small yard, a garage, and a great kitchen.

Tonight we went and finalized our mortgage and will be closing on it in a few weeks. This means moving again. YEEHAW. I hate moving. Hate it. Packing, lifting, unpacking. It sucks. We do seem to always get rid of stuff when we move so clutter goes away to some extent, but it is very little.

I am excited about getting our own place. Hopefully I will grow up a little bit and be more responsible. Though I doubt it will make too dramatic of an effect. I have had to deal with all sorts of adult stuff in the last few days. Finding homeowners insurance, doing a house inspection, signing papers. But in the end, I am very excited. It's one hell of a Christmas present.

Well, I have been busy so that is my reason for the lack of posts.

That is all,

Newt

I love Bacon!

Kevin Bacon that is. Last night, Diana and I went out with some of her friends to a place called 'Pete's Piano Bar'. Pete's is a bar that has two pianos in the center and people play almost any song imaginable.

Well, After two of three beers and a Jager-bomb later, Footloose started and, if you know me, I love me some Footloose. Diana's friend Mary Alice got up and started dancing and I just had to get up and dance with her.

I heard someone say 'Now this guy is serious' and I looked up and one of the piano players had a flashlight shining on me. They were waving me up so I ran up on the stage and got in between the pianos. They picked up playing the song again and I preceded to do the Footloose dance, or at least a version of it, on stage in front of everybody in the bar.

I must say that I really didn't notice the crowd watching me while it was going on. When they finished the song, the two piano guys said, "I don't know if you need it, but go to the bar 'cause a shot is on us".

I went to the bathroom and had people telling me, "Nice Dancing" and got a shot from a bartender, though I have absolutely no idea what I drank. It was awesome and just goes to show you that dancing isn't a sin. Eat that John Lithgow.

That is all,

Newt