Monday, June 14, 2010

The danger of sneezing

I will warn readers this is a disgusting post but when I told my wife this story she did not give me the sympathy that I was hoping for but instead fell over laughing at me. Thus I bring it to you, dear readers. Be warned.


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Are you sure? I don't want to hear about how gross this is later.


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OK, but I warned you.

This is a cautionary tale. Hopefully my pain will save others from the same fate. You see, I almost ripped my asshole open a few days ago. I was sitting on the toilet, and just as the Titanic of turds was cresting I felt a sneeze coming on. There was a moment where I thought to myself, "If I sneeze while dropping a deuce, will it force the turn to shoot out like a cork from a pop gun?" Scientifically speaking, I was curious enough to find out and let my sneeze continue whilst my bung hole was in full bloom.

The answer to my query is a resounding "NO". Instead it causes what I can only assume is the feeling of being violently anally raped but only in the opposite direction. I let the "Achooo!!" out and immediately followed this up with a blood curdling scream and finished with a massive collapsing over in pain.

As I stared at my face in the mirror and tears began to well up in my eyes, I realized that there are many times in life when you do stupid things and I had just encountered one of them. The look of shock that was plastered on me for a few moments was a sight to behold and I was forced to sit for a moment to catch my breath. My poor anus still hasn't forgiven me.

I wish to leave you with profound words of wisdom at this point but I don't have any. Wisdom is clearly not my forte.

That is all,

Newt

4 Ripples in the pond:

Girl Interrupted said...

Oh Trinity!

I'm just thankful it didn't occur to you to test that old myth that if you hold your lids open when you sneeze your eyes pop out, too.

Lola Lakely said...

Holy hell. I don't even know what to say about this post. You have made Lola Lakely speechless. Wow.

Trinity said...

Kate: I don't think I would like to pop my eyes out, especially whilst on the John.

Lola: I have done the impossible if you are truely speechless.

Lizz said...

Its been a couple days since I've laughed as hard as I did!! Thank you so much, I really need it!!