Monday, February 25, 2008

It's a small world...

Yesterday, something very strange happened to me that gave me the heebee jeebees. Diana and I went to the local mall here in Lewisville to do some light shopping and let my lovely wife cash in on a free pair of underwear from Victoria Secret. As milady was trying on some garments in the Gap, I looked up and saw....Dun dun dun...my first girlfriend Nicole.

I dated Nicole right around the age of 16 and we lasted about 4-6 months. I haven't seen her since my first year in college and she looks pretty much the same. She had on a grey polo shirt, jeans, and her frizzy/curly/mangy hair in a pony tail. Talk about hot (this is sarcasm. I only state that because my wife might cut me off if I don't make this blatantly obvious). I immediately made sure she didn't see me and took off towards the men's section of said Gap. When I could, I made a break for the door and went and sat on a bench in view of the store to make sure I could see when she left. I even called Thomas so I was on the phone in case she were to see me.

The rest of the mall visit was spent dodging her. She turned up again in Macy's and I came within feet of crossing paths with her in front of a Great American Cookie. I even faked a 'oh, could it be, what are you doing here' look when I thought she had spotted me. Thank God she didn't.

I was incredibly awkward and when Diana asked me to explain why, I couldn't give a firm reason. Could it be that I had seen some of her naughty bits? Possibly. Is it because I would have to introduce my wife to an ex? Maybe. Or could it be that I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of the whole situation? Yes, that's it. I didn't want to be faced with the 'should we hug' or the 'what are you doing here' and I definitely didn't want the 'we should hang out some time' (shudder) that constantly manifests when these instances happen.

The past should be left alone and yesterday I almost pulled a Doc Brown and went back to a place that should be left buried.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Left, Right, Pass

Well, I'm that guy. I didn't think I would be but I found out something about myself that I didn't know... I fart while working out. Not just a slight whisper poooot, no I let real farts as I am going at it on an elliptical. I feel a slight bubble about to burst and I look at the timer on my machine and there is no way I am holding that air biscuit for half an hour.

While I am not sure if I am the first, I did come up with a system for letting these out. Not your ordinary cough/fart or your sneeze/toot. Instead, I take a look left, a look right and if I get have the all clear, the pass.

I have posted before about the beauty of my gym having TVs on all of the machines. As such, most people wear ear phones when they work out. So I look left; check, the girl in the yellow running shirt has plugs, I check right; dude who does backwards motion training is tapped, and Pass.

However, the smell I can't do anything about.

That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I am Idolized

I did it. I didn't mean to do it but this year I just couldn't help myself. If anyone is to blame, its Diana. She wasn't home enough and I got lonely. I mean, what else was I supposed to do, just ignore it? It wasn't my fault. I just turned on the TV and there it was: American Idol.

It always starts with just a few minutes. "Oh, I'll only watch the first half hour to see the losers. They are so funny because they can't sing." Then you see that first sob story that somehow tugs at your heart; some kid living in his car to pursue his dream. I mean, what are you, heartless?

So I guess its official. I am watching AI this year. I'm not proud of it. I bring it up at lunch and no one else has any idea what I am talking about. Sure, I laugh it off like I just happened to turn it on, but I am sitting here watching it now and typing.

At least this year Randy Jackson is trying to stop using the word "Dawg" and "Yo". He has, unfortunately, replaced it with "Baby".

That is all,

Newt, Out

Friday, February 15, 2008

Here in my Car...

It is a momentous day. Below is a picture of me with the final, let me try that again, THE FINAL payment on my truck.

This is a huge event for me. I have owned a truck before, or more specifically my father owned my truck, but this check signifies that I have experienced a rite of passage that every person should experience. I have purchased my first car all by myself.


That is all,

Newt

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Bone Wild

After Christmas I bought one of those gigantic rawhide bones that I found on sale and waited until I needed a good laugh. Below is my idea of what happened.

Duncan: Hazel, I think I must be dreaming. Either my overweight little body has caused a heart attack or my fantasy has just become reality.
Hazel: Well if you're dreaming, I hope you don't wake up. If I am not mistaken, Dad just brought in a bone that is bigger than you.
D: Is that even possible? Can we really eat our weight in rawhide?
H: Hellz yes!!! I am going to munch on that baby like a Ankylosaurus on a field of grass.
D: I am not really sure what that means.
H: Sorry, there was a special on Discovery last night and Pops left the TV on.
D: You really need to get out more. Use the dog door once in a while. You are going stir crazy and I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Stop talking like you are from the street.
H: I did time. These people sprung me from the joint but I was living in Cell block C until Pops paid my bail.
D: That was an adoption you idiot. And you were in the shelter.
H: Quit trying to distract me. Here comes that bone.
D: My mouth is watering.
H: Well don't be getting any ideas, that shit is mine.
D: I am pretty sure we are supposed to share that.
H: That's what you think. It's mine!!!

video

The bone lasted three days and Hazel ate 85% of it. I wasn't sure she had it in her. And yes, I am aware that my voice sounds like a country bumpkin.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Things I should have knows - Radio

Have you ever encountered something out in the world that is a blatantly obvious fact but for some reason you never really gave it any thought, but now that you have you suddenly realize that you never knew the fact to begin with but should have? This will occasionally happen to me and it did a few days ago.

I was driving in the car when for some reason the two wires in my brain that connect reason with common sense connected and I realized: "There are no even numbers on radio frequencies after the decimal". By this I mean that there isn't an 88.8 FM or a 550.2 AM. All call numbers on any frequency are followed by an odd number.

I don't really know what made me think of this but once I did I felt extremely stupid. Of course all of the numbers are followed in odds. Why didn't this ever occur to me before? I'm 25 and just discovered a well known fact about radio frequencies. I am an idiot for not seeing it sooner.

The proof was always out there for me to see. I have looked at too many bumper stickers touting "La Musica 195.3" or "93.3 The Bone Rocks Harder" to not have seen this. I think these instances are the universes way of saying, "Hey Stupid, You are getting way to cocky and to show you you're not so special here's something you should know."

That is all,

Newt

Saturday, February 09, 2008

I don't wanna grow up...

Well, I had a great time while in New York and one of the neater things I got to do was go to the Toys R Us in Times Square. This store was amazing. Three stories of Legos, Video Games and Actions figures. It even had a life size Barbie Dream house. Here are the highlights.

One amazing thing about the Toys R Us Times Square was the Lego Center. I grew up on the amazing multicolored building blocks and when I walked in and saw a Fantastic Four Thing and Wolverine built entirely out of Legos, well I must say I was impressed. They also had a Yankees Helmet, the Chrysler and Empire State Buildings, a boy and his dog and Captain Jack Sparrow all built out of Legos. It was spectacular.

Next was the Action Figures. The selection was massively impressive. I am a connoisseur of these 6 in. marvels so when I walked in and saw a huge Spider-man hanging over a wall of Transformers I was quite pleased. They had sections dedicated to Star Wars, Transformers, and Power Rangers which I guess I assumed were not that popular.

One of the more classic scenes was the candy store. When I say store, it was more like a land of candy. Or more specifically, a Candy Land. I say this because the entire cast of Candy Land was positioned all throughout the area. Mr. Mint welcomes you to the candy land and as you go through you see all of your favorites. Gloopy the Chocolate Clump is over the Chocolate section, Plumpy the Green Guy welcomes you to the Sugar Free Section, and if you need a bag to put candy in, well just grab one from the tail end of a Gingerbread Play piece.

The most impressive display of child hood shenanigans is the fact that there was a working Ferris Wheel in the store that kids and adults can ride. I didn't get on it but the cars were themed with different toys.


Strangely enough, there was a Jurassic Park Section. I assume they built this when the movie came out because there were no actual Jurassic Park toys. There was, however, a giant T-Rex that moved(see video). Please ignore my awful video skills.

video
This visit was an amazing experience for the kid in me. Up until now, I didn't know what a toy store could be. Now I know what they mean when they say, "I Don't Wanna Grow Up."
That is all,
Newt

Thursday, February 07, 2008

In a New York Minute

Well, I had a world wind tour of New York last week and have had to wait this week until I was able to get the pictures. Now that I have them, here is a fun little tidbit of my trip. I got to see a taping of David Letterman.

I was just walking by the famous Ed Sullivan Theatre when I noticed a sign that said, "Free Tickets". I had wanted to see a taping while in NYC but forgot to look for tickets. I walked in and signed up for the lottery they hold and a couple of hours later, I had a ticket for Thursdays taping. The guests were Julia Louis Dreyfus, T.J. Miller from Cloverfield, and a band called Super Furry Animals.

It was a long process just to get in the seat. It started with a line to get my ticket, followed by an hour wait to get in line at a building across the street. We stood in line for an hour as a guy from the show tried to make us understand that no matter what, we should laugh at any joke we hear. He even said, "You may chuckle at home but this is television. Any joke you hear, laugh like it is the funniest fucking joke you have ever heard." He then proceeded to make us practice laughing.

We filtered into the show about 15 minutes before it started taping and Letterman came out to take questions. A younger guy asked Dave where he would go to break a 15 year pizza hiatus that he was on. Dave was so shocked that he had a couple of pizzas delivered during the show.

It was an interesting experience to see a taping. It only took an hour to tape the show and during the "commercial breaks" the band played music for us. That's why the band is always playing when the show comes back from commercial. I thought I might be on the show from a audience scan but it didn't happen. I guess I will have to be discovered some other way.

It was a big highlight from my trip.

That is all,

Newt

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I feel like a teenager again

Well, some random occurrences have been happening to me over the last couple of days that makes me feel like I was in high school again. I have reverted back to a social state that was very prevalent during my Sophomore to Senior years in school. I have been dealing with...Comic Overload!!!

I use to work at a comic book shop in Midland, and as such took home a crap load of random comics at ridiculously low cost(most of it was trade for work and the owner didn't have a good understanding of a payment process). I have been randomly finding great deals on comic books this week that is giving me flashbacks.

First it was a great week of trade at my local comic shop from working, then an awesome online deal followed by a moving sale at another comic shop that I just happened to stop at. Even today I found some cheap issues when I wasn't even looking for them.

I need my wife to come home, and she is today, because I am on a tear. I need detox or something. The worst part is that, like any of us, you just can't pass up such a great deal.

I need help,

Newt

Monday, February 04, 2008

Brando, I''m Not

So, I am about to become a godfather to my niece, Addison, when she is born. This is a surprisingly important thing to be bestowed upon a schmuck like me and I plan to take it seriously. Of course, there will be the bad Brando impressions but I am also pretty excited about it. Below is a definition of my new title.

god·fa·ther /Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[god-fah-ther]
–noun
1. a man who serves as sponsor for a child at baptism. (This means I get to be a spiritual guide. I am going to have to read the Bible or that poor girl is going to be so confused)
2. any male sponsor or guardian. (I am definitely a male, I bought a magazine subscription for a hospital once so I guess I sponsored the magazine, and I will put a pony's head in any twerps bunk bed who messes with my little Addition)
3. (often initial capital letter) a powerful leader, esp. of the Mafia. (I am the self proclaimed leader of the nerds so I guess I am a leader)
4. a person who is regarded as the originator or principal shaper of a movement, school of thought, art form, industry, or the like: the godfather of abstract expressionism. –verb (used with object) (I had a movement this morning so this one is checked off)
5. to act as godfather to; be sponsor or protector for. (See number 2.)

Well, it looks like I am on track to be the best Godfather that money can buy...and I am not even charging for my services. I really need to learn how to make Cannoli.

That is all,

Newt

Sunday, February 03, 2008

In Deep Doo Doo

You know what I think is one of the scariest instances that commonly occurs? Not scary in the sense of danger or death, just a creepy feeling that can overtake you. It's that 5 seconds between flushing and that gulping sound the toilet makes when you make a courtesy flush.

I thought of this today on an alarmingly massive grunt I was making. These occasionally happen and when they do, I usually flush about half way through to avoid creating a mountain in my bowl. But, every time I do one of these there is a 5 second haunting that occurs because my mind automatically wonders, "Will the toilet clog"?

Think about it. What would you do? Imagine if you will:
You are sitting on the toilet crapping and notice that maybe it is time for a flush to reboot the toilet. You reach back, hit the switch and instead of that reassuring 'Floosh' you look down and see brown water rising. What do you do, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I don't know. I am blessed that this has never happened to me. You are pretty much screwed no matter what happens.

Situation A: you stand up without wiping, try to get your pants up, and find a plunger before the poop volcano overflows. If all of that is successful, you still have to try to plunge the mess before it overflows, and as we have all experienced, plunging a toilet isn't the easiest thing to do. And it's definitely not the cleanest.

Situation B: You don't look down in time and your private area takes a brown bath. The gravy starts overflowing from between the seat and bowl and your clothes get a new kind of rinse. You panic, stand up and start traipsing through the muck trying to find the plunger. The rest is pretty much the same as Situation A.

Either way, this is gross.

That is all,

Newt