Silly Cousin

Well, I decided I was going to drive up to Plano and see my cousin, Kristy. So I called her around 4 and asked if she would like to have dinner. She said "Sure, but I am going to be at a Happy Hour until 6".

So I came home for a while, loaded up the dogs, and at 6:05 I called to tell her I was on the way. She was still at the bar but said she was going to leave soon so I drove to Plano and found a Barnes and Noble to go wandering in until she got home. Around 7, I bought a couple of books and then headed to her house thinking that after an hour she would surely be home. Nope.

I called to see where she was and she still hadn't left the bar. I waited at her apartment complex and walked the dogs when Kristy's friend and coworker, Kristen, called and told me to take the dogs to her house and then we could meet up. I drove to her apartment and her husband, Jeremy, met me. We grabbed Kristy's key and dropped the dogs off and then said "Screw the girls, we're going to eat".

I ran by Circuit City and made an impulse buy of a Camcorder that I got an awesome deal on, and then Jeremy and I went to Freebirds. At 9, Kristy still hadn't shown so I grabbed the pups and headed home.

The moral of this story is 'If you are going to visit your cousin, don't leave until they are home'.

That is all,

Newt

JELLO Shots

Today is my cousin Kristy's Birthday(Happy Birthday Kristy) so this weekend we went out to eat. Her friends threw her a big dinner at Saltgrass Steakhouse and after it was over, we went back to one of her friends to party.

The main attraction at the party, aside from cousin Kristy, were Jello Shots. I was told that they made 150 and when I left there were zero. Good times. I was really showing them how to throw them back. The next day, however, I learned of a side affect of Jello Shots. I call it the Jello Shits. All day yesterday, I was running back and forth to the bathroom because the large amount of hard liquor mixed with the rainbow of Jello Flavors that I had on Saturday really did a number on me.

The party wasn't the only thing that happened. In the year that I have lived in Dallas, Kristy has worked at Circuit City. When they change out the CDs in the listening station, the employees get to take them home. Knowing this, I will now tell you that I learned that my cousin thinks I am gay. Or at least I assume she thinks I am gay because up until Saturday, she has never offered me a CD and that night she did. She looked at me and said "I have a CD in my car that I got from the listening station at work. It is the soundtrack to 'High School Musical'."

Huh? High School Musical? Not Ja Rule? Not Dashboard Confessional? The only CD I have ever been given is High School Musical? Well, I guess I must be gay because I said "Yippee", or maybe I am just a 13 year old girl. Jury is still out on that one.

Well, those were the highlights from my weekend. As I am bacheloring it up, the fact that anything happened at all is promising. So on that note...

That is all.

Newt

Am I a Racist?

Something happened to me this afternoon while at lunch that has been weighing on my mind all day. While driving back from lunch, a coworker and I were discussing travel to other countries and she said "My husband wants to go to Asia but, I don't know why, I have a mild distrust of Asian people". This prompted me to blurt out, and I have no idea why, that I am afraid of black people.

The silence in the car was horrible. Not only did I just say something that could be taken to be extremely racist, I also caught my coworker off guard. I knew she didn't know what to say but she turned and said "Really?" I came back with, "Well, only black men. I am not scared of women or children", and we then discussed how the African American male has perpetuated an image of violence with music and actions.

Now please don't take this post as a commentary on how black people are bad. That is not what this is. It is actually a look into my fear, and during the ride back to work something came to mind as to what might have caused me to feel this way.

I am not really scared of black people. At least not in any general sense. If I were walking down the street and a black male was coming my direction, I would not run screaming like a baby or, less dramatic, cross the street. However, if a black male that looked like 50 cent were to be coming my way, my actions might change. This said, I will now explain what I think may have started this "fear".

In the sixth grade, I knew a kid named James Williams. He was black and lived in my neighborhood. He was an underprivileged kid, at least compared to me and he lived two blocks from my house. Every day, we rode the bus to and from school. I was always dropped off at the bus stop early so when the bus arrived, I got on it fairly quick. James did not. When I got on the bus, I would go to the back and sit in the seat that only held one person. We all know that seat. The one that was coveted above all others.

One morning, I had gotten seated and was minding my own business when James got on the bus and told me that he wanted the short seat. I told him no, as I was already sitting there and was quite happy in my seat. He and his brother, Ray, proceeded to taunt me about giving him the seat and I still refused. As we were waiting for the other kids to get on the bus, James stood up, came over to me, and tapped the top of my head with a text book. To this day I can remember the feel of that book hitting me on the head.

After the first tap, he said "Get up" and I stood my ground and said "No". He dropped the book again and this time it was harder. It never hurt, but when you are twelve and everyone is watching, pain is the least of your concerns. I told him if he did it again I was gonna stop him. And he, of course, dropped it a third time. I jumped at him and we tussled. Not fought, just tussled. He jumped on my back and help my arm down and I was about to slam him into the emergency release bar for the back door when the driver ran back and broke us up.

We stayed separated for the rest of the ride and were taken to the principal as soon as we arrived at school. I do not remember what James' punishment was, but I was given three days of In School Suspension(Turns out I liked it though so it really wasn't a punishment). I despised James and his brother from that day forward.

The irony of the whole situation is that I(a white kid) was defending the seat in the back of the bus from a black kid. That hit me today. Up until then, the social humor never occurred to me. James was exactly the kind of guy that I am "afraid of". Not necessarily afraid of the person, but of what they can do. Hell, I don't know. I guess I never really let go of the anger I had. Not only because of how helpless I felt, but also the stereotype that I formed without even meaning to.

I know that I am not racist. I don't feel that a person's skin color is their defining factor and I know that it, in no way affects their ability in any way. I guess that I just have an issue that needs to be acknowledged and moved past. I hope that by realizing where the problem started, I can make sure it isn't an issue. Funny where a conversation can lead.


That is all,

Newt

Grocery Store

Hello All,

I went to the grocery store this evening (Thomas, the list is forthcoming) and as I was going to get milk, I saw this idiot was standing there blocking the fridge and talking into a cell phone. This really wouldn't have bothered me much except I wanted milk and he was more involved in his conversation than getting the milk he was blocking. However, this post isn't about the guy on the phone or milk. It is about a one legged man with an anger management problem.

The idiot finally got out of my way and I went and grabbed my half a gallon when I noticed that an older gentleman was standing two doors down near the Half n Half. He was a white guy around 65 and had a prosthetic left leg that had both a sock and a shoe on.

Why wear a sock? That was my first thought. Not, "Wonder how he lost his leg?" Nope, I wondered what possessed this man to get up, throw a shoe and sock on his right foot, and then proceed to put a sock on his plastic foot. Is it a habit? Symmetry? I just don't know.

As the idiot was yelling into his cell, he almost ran into the older gentleman's cart. As I put my milk in my own cart I made eye contact with the old guy and he stopped. He looked me right in the eye, gathered his thoughts, and said in a low voice, "I swear to God, if I could I would blow up every radio tower in this place. KERPLEW!"

Awkward!!! I just threw a "Yeah" out there and casually strolled away. The rest of my shopping experience had me wondering if he meant the towers that give the idiot cell phone service or the tower that provided the Muzak for the Tom Thumb. More importantly, WTF? That guy was crazy. I am pretty sure he was harmless but he had to have lost that leg somewhere and I imagine it was in a war.

Well, that is what happens when I run out of yogurt.

That is all,

Newt

Apologies

It has come to my attention that a few of the readers of this blog were slightly offended by my last post. Apparently, some people think I am disgusting and need to put a warning on my posts. So this is my apology for my previous post entitled "Dang, I hate that...".

I am sorry that you don't have the sense to stop reading something if it offends you. This is a humor blog. I am very seldom serious, and for anyone that knows me, you know that I don't care about your opinion, though it is welcome.

In most cases, I go right to the point. The second sentence of my previous blog set the tone for the piece and if you read sentence three, well that was your choice. And yes, I am disgusting. I know it, you know it. Hell, even my grandmother knows it. So don't act all shocked that I wrote something that was somewhat nasty.

That is all,

Newt

Dang, I hate that...

You know what's annoying? Touching your own butthole. Now, I'm sure your thinking "What the hell is that supposed to mean"? I came to this topic yesterday.

I was sitting on the shitter and had just finished folding my tp all dainty like (which is the only way to fold toilet paper) and was ready to go wipe when I guess I misjudged the distance. The next thing I know, my finger hit my poop shoot. I thought "Crap", literally. This is something that really bugs me.

It's not that its really that big a deal. I was going to wash my hands anyway, but when you expect to feel the soft plushyness of a Charmin and instead get the index, well, that is just not pleasing. Not to mention that if you aren't paying attention when you stand up, you just may use that finger to push down the flusher.

I think that this is one of those things that goes untalked about. Actually, we should discuss this issue and try to be more proactive in the Finger/Sphinxter phenomenon. In our modern day society we should have come up with a solution.

The toilet paper hand wrap was always a safe practice, but you are really wasting a lot of paper in doing that. There is also the disposable glove, but the practicality of that is questionable. The Angel Soft people should really be working on a solution to this epidemic that is swiping the nation. Yes, I did mean swiping.

That is all,

Newt

Island of the Sequined Love Nun

For anyone that checks here regularly, you probably saw that I had been reading Island of the Sequined Love Nun for the last couple of weeks. Well, last night I finished it and it was great. The author, Christopher Moore, is a weird dude and almost everything he has written that I have read has been good.

Island of the Sequined Love Nun is about a pilot, Tucker Case, who crashes a plane(owned by a Mary Kay knock off) and looses his license to fly. He gets an offer to go fly for a missionary on a remote island and has to take it because it is the only job he will be able to get. Instead of missionaries, he finds an island where the natives worship an image of a Bomber Girl from a war plane and their god is a WWII pilot named Vincent.

Throughout the book, Tucker uncovers a plot by by his employers to steal the kidneys of the islanders, as well as trying to stop himself from being killed and saving an entire island of natives.

The story was an interesting tale of redemption mixed with a Monty Python-esc humor. All in all, a very funny book, though I did feel funny caring it around with me as it is hot pink.

That is all,

Newt

The Rise and Fall of Foreigner

My essay focuses on the band Foreigner. When asked what I consider to be foreign, the first thing that came to mind was the '80's band that signifies all things foreign.

Foreigner was started in 1976 by two British musicians, Mick Jones & Ian McDonald along with four others. They started out with the self titled album Foreigner. It gave us hits such as "Feels Like the First Time" and "Cold as Ice". These were Top 20 songs. Their second album, Double Vision was even more successful selling five million records and contained both "Hot Blooded" and title track "Double Vision".

They continued putting out great music such as "Jukebox Hero", "Waiting for a Girl Like You", and "Urgent" which came off of their fourth album as well as "Head Games" from their third.

The leads of the band decided to attempt solo projects in the late 1980's but reunited in 1987 for another album. However, fans weren't impressed. After being gone for so long, a comeback wasn't in the cards.

Mick Jones tried reforming the band in 1990 and released an album that was unsuccessful. Subsequent attempts to reform also failed. This was another example of an 80's band that could not die out gracefully. But at their peak, Foreigner was a band to be reckoned with.

This is my essay on what I deem foreign.

That is all,

Newt

Shut Down

I was having trouble coming up with a post today and then I went to tell Diana something while I was in the kitchen. I immediately got told "I'm trying to watch this show!" And then it hit me; I had just been shut down. Thus, this post.

I absolutely hate getting shut down. If I need to tell someone something, it annoys me to no end when someone stops me from saying it. At work today, I went into my boss's office to show her that a package that I was supposed to have gotten two weeks ago just got delivered. I showed her the packet that came with it and she took it and started reading it. When I said, let me have it back, she stuck her index finger up to tell me "Oh no, I am reading and you will not talk to me." I, of course, paraphrased the meaning of the finger. I finally got fed up with it and said, "Just give me the packet, I have work to do and don't have time for this."

I am not going to be hypocritical about this. I am as guilty of this as anyone. I admit it, but I still hate people that do this, people like me. My mind works like this. If something comes into my head I try to say it, because if I don't I will probably forget it. So, if I start speaking, shut the hell up! This goes for you. Yes, you.

That is all,

Newt

Snakes on a Plane

Who isn't excited about the new movie Snakes on a Plane? I cannot wait for this thing to come out. I am deathly afraid of snakes and I will still be sitting at this film. The buzz behind it is awesome and every time I think about the premise I just laugh. Of all the things to try to kill someone with, are snakes really the best choice? No! But they sure as hell are a funny one.

Plus with Sammy Jackson in the lead it is extra awesome. I can't imagine anyone else playing in this part. If you go to http://www.snakesonaplane.com/ you can even email or call someone with a personalized message straight from Samuel L. Jackson. I sent one to Thomas that called him a suck up with a boyfriend. Ha.

It has been a long time since a movie has had this much build up. With all the publicity and projected success, we can only hope that Snakes on a Train is already in production. The possibilities for this franchise are limited only by the different number of transportation methods out there. Snakes on a Cruise Ship, Snakes in a Tanker, and with the space race still going strong we could even have Snakes on a Rocket.

OH, I JUST CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF.

That is all,

Newt

Aren't Movies Grand?

I got rest this weekend. We didn't leave the house very much and when we did we were eating. And it was awesome. We even drove to Hurst to get some Rosa's, which was much needed.

Anyway, to the point of my post. I love movies. Over the weekend I watched Memento and Dr. Strangelove, neither of which I had ever seen up to this point. These are two movies on opposite ends of the spectrum but both were none the less enjoyable. And I loved them both.

I know that people say that movies are getting repetitive and no new original ideas are being used, but really who cares. Movies are great. Sure, I hate the Scary Movie franchise as much as the next guy and I could really care less what the next Wayan's movie will be. But I can enjoy a remake if it is done well and there are still so many new ideas that are being made. Movies like 'Snakes on a Plane' and 'Little Miss Sunshine' make me want to rush out to the theatre.

So the next time you think "Damn, Jackie Chan is in another buddy comedy" just remember that there is a new Zach Braff film coming soon.

That is all,

Newt

My Oh My! An Old Naked Guy

Yesterday, as I was walking the dogs to check the mail, I heard a door open on my left. I had just finished scolding Hazel when I turned to see a man of about 65 or so standing naked in his doorway. Or so I thought. As I turned to see him, he was walking out the door. I could only see the right side of his body and it looked like he was naked.

The reason it looked like this is that he was wearing a thong. No, not flip flops but that nice piece of butt floss that no Grandfather should be without. I would have kept thinking that he was nude except that he turned back into his house once he saw me and I got a shot of his crotch. He was wearing an itsy bitsy, teeny weenie, YELLOW banana hammock.(insert shudder here)

After checking the mail (mostly junk in case you were wondering) I looked out the window of our apartment. It faces the pool so I could see the man was outside sunbathing in his little suit. Diana seems to think he must go out there because it is the only way he can get any action. At least it explains the sunglasses.

That is all,

Newt

Who's Your Daddy?

Well, if you are looking at the title of this post you might think I am going to go into some tyrannical rant about the greatness that is Newt. Well, Wrong. I use this title because last night I felt old.

Diana and I went to Kohls. Backup, before I give this story I must state a fact. I have never bought a pair of jeans that weren't from Old Navy. I have owned a couple of pair, but never have I put money down on jeans without the Old Navy Logo on them. It's the same with Boxers.

Back to the point. Last night, as I was walking around Kohls, waiting for Diana to finish shopping, I came across some jeans that were in my price range and looked decent. I picked up my size and tried them on and they seemed like a good fit. So I carried them away and went to find Diana. I was a little apprehensive about the pants.

So as soon as I see Diana I ask "Do you think I can pull these jeans off?" Why did I ask this? Because I am a little bit older and don't want to look like the old guy that kids laugh at for trying to look young. I know that 24 isn't old, but when I shop in the same isle as teenagers I get a little apprehensive. Not to mention that I am stepping out of my comfort zone. God I feel ancient sometimes.

That is all...because my arthritis is acting up and I can't type anymore,

Newt

I'm Back

Well, what a weekend, I got in yesterday and am exhausted. Diana wanted to go out to eat last night so we jumped in the truck and headed for food. Our journey ended up taking us to Don Pablo's, which I do not recommend. We didn't know that at the time but we learned from our mistake.

While waiting for our waitress, Diana and I looked over at a large group of teenagers that were sharing a table. There were probably 10 or so of them of varying disguises. John Hughes would have been proud of the cast.

There was the short ugly girl, the large kid who most likely ordered a meal with a number higher than his I.Q., the pretty one, the smart one, and the one that is the real focus of this post.
Facing us was the Popular one. And how did we know he was the Popular one. Well, he needed a haircut, he was wearing very preppy clothes and we saw him rub his phone on his face and everyone laughed. Why, because it was a Razr phone and he was shaving.

I hate to say it, but they thought it was funny. And what is worse, had this been my high school days I might have made the same joke. Life is cruel.

That is all,

Newt

Tri-Gnomial Gnomen-Culture

I hate my life

Man, this day has/did suck. It all depends on when you are reading this. It is days like these that really make me hate my life. Isn't that ridiculous? I am healthy, have a decent job and have a great fiancee and yet I still say that.

I have been dreading this week for a while. It is a short week for me, or a long one depending on how you look at it. I only have to work until Thursday afternoon but when I leave work, I fly to Houston to attend a conference until Sunday afternoon. So I don't get a weekend, and I really needed one of those. Add to that the fact that I have actually been experiencing stress related to working and you can see the predicament I am in.

Oh, and I haven't gone twosies in 4 days. Yep, I don't know what that is all about because I keep eating. I am sleepy from partying these last two weekends, I may in fact fall asleep at some point today. But not likely as I am too buy working.

My one salvation is that I am going to go buy V for Vendetta tonight and will probably force Diana to watch it. Ha. Plus, they are having one of the greatest sales I have seen in a while at Circuit City so I am doubly excited.

Woe is me,

Newt