For a good time call...

I have a confession to make. Whenever I stop to go to the bathroom anywhere that isn't a place I know, i.e. my home or that of someone I know, I always check for writing. Stall doors and the wall above a urinal are the best places to find a multitude of interesting quips. Here are a few that I continuously see.

First, the word "Penis". I have actually considered taking a camera with me and photographing this word whenever I see it and making it a coffee table book. Be it carved into a stall door or scribbled on the grout between the tile it is prevalent everywhere in America. For some reason, guys just love writing this word. I am unsure if this is a weird phallic obsession or maybe it is gender based. Do women write "Vagina" on the metal of the toilet paper roll holder?

U R Gay! Why do people write this? First, it is lazy that you can't spell out all of the words and B, why are you gay? Just because I had to drop a duece in the JC Penney stall does not automatically mean I like the weiner. And I think that whoever wrote this may have some unresolved issues they need to work out.

"For good head call 'insert name and number here'" Has anyone actually called one of these numbers? I imagine that going something like this...
Ring, Ring
"Hello?"
"Hey, yeah my name is Robbie and I am in the second stall at the Texaco out on Route 4. I am looking for Tammy."
"This is Tammy, how did you get this number?"
"Well, it says here that you give a great BJ and I was wondering if you could fit me in."
"Oh, this was my write up on the stall door. Yes, I have been getting a lot of hits from that. Let me get my appointment book and I can see what I have open."

This is the most F-ing retarded thing to do. Clearly you have to be mental to call the number to begin with and I would imagine that no one is going to just let you come on over to verify the recommendation. Also, if they were that good, would you really let that secret out or just keep it for yourself? Most likely this is false advertising.

I love the phenomenon of toilet stall graffiti. It is always random and many times entertaining. I will leave you with one I saw today on the way home from Mississippi.

A scholarly gentleman had carved "Faggat" into the urinal wall. Above that, someone used a sharpie to proclaim "Learn to Spell" with an arrow aiming at the word.

That is all,

Newt

Toes R Us

I had an interesting Wednesday trip. I got off around 2 and Diana wanted a pedicure so I decided to tag along and for the interest of reporting, get a pedicure. The closest I have ever come to having my toes done is when Diana pulled out the foot bath she owns and gave me a foot scrub so I was not sure what to expect.

Surprise, an old chinese lady ran the place. Who would have guessed? I was put in a surprisingly high tech chair, it had a message feature and swivel action, and commenced with the foot job. The woman who worked on my feet was slightly demanding. She would yank my feet around and slap them when she wanted me to lift or drop my foot.

She pushed my cuticles in, scrubbed the bottoms of my feet, and rubbed down my calves with some grainy gel. It was an odd process to say the least. They even put a clear polish on my toes to give it a nice shine.

I won't be getting another one of these though. My big toe on my right foot has had an itch on the cuticle all day and I probably have a fungal infection now that will make me have to cut it off. The one bit I did enjoy was the tickling my feet got when I was pummiced. Not sure that was worth $20. I think if I was going to give a Chinese woman $20 bucks to rub something down I should be more satisfied at the end of the thing.

That is all,

Newt

Bah Humbug!!!

I am having a big problem with Christmas this year. Not only have I gotten into a few arguments with Diana over it, I just generally don't want to celebrate Christmas this year. To date I have had 25 celebrations of Jesus' birth. 25 days of opening gifts, buying presents and making sure that everything is the way it is supposed to be. Is it wrong to want a year off?

I am in an odd place with Christmas. As a person who doesn't practice organized religion, I have taken Jesus out of the equation. Except that at the same time, I don't think that buying stuff for people just so they can open something on the arbitrary day that someone decided to celebrate the birth of Jesus is enough of a reason to celebrate.

Yesterday morning I had what turned in to an argument with Diana because she said Christmas is about giving people presents. And that's really true. No one gives a shit about little baby Jesus and the three wise men. Now its "What do you want for Christmas" and 'Black Friday' sales; making sure everyone gets a present and trying to rack your brain to come up with something that will show everyone that you love them. It makes me sick.

It is shown that when the financial economy is in crisis, the first thing to go is donating to charity. People only give when they can and that is a shame because the people who need it most get screwed so people can buy their kids and relatives stuff they don't need. So, here's what I would like to do. If I know you and you know me, then don't buy me anything for Christmas. I know, "But I want you to have something to open on Christmas." It's OK. I understand...but I don't need anything. I can live without movies and I don't need clothes. Take whatever you were going to spend on me and donate it. Here is the charities I would like to see get help this year.

The Hero Foundry is a non-profit organization that raises money to donate Graphic Novels to underfunded Libraries. It gives kids a chance to read comics when their libraries might not spend the money to bring in this type of literature.

The SPCA of Texas is also near and dear to me as it is where we got Hazel. They take in strays and rescue animals of all kinds and are a no kill shelter. They are privately funded and need help.

And if you must hand me a gift so I have something to open on Christmas, just put a note in an envelope that says "An animal is still alive because I gave money in your name" or "A library now has a book they wouldn't have because of you" and I will be happier than if I got Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on DVD.

That is all,

Newt

Unrecognizable

Well, last night I decided it was time to clear the field that is my face and I shaved off my goatee. This isn't a permanent thing but from time to time I like to give my face a few days of nudiness so before bed, i got my trimmer and zipped it off, then followed it up with a razor. When I got into bed, I expected Diana to comment but she didn't notice and we went to bed.

This morning, we got up and went to work out. She said nothing about it so I left it alone. In my opinion, if your spouse makes a noticeable change to their appearance, it should be quickly apparent to you. Diana got out of the shower and I got in and she didn't notice. We were having a conversation while we were both getting ready and she didn't notice. We began to goof around and started having a staring contest. She didn't notice. I literally got inches from her face. She didn't notice. She commented that I had a double chin and I made my face look fatter. She didn't notice. She reached up and pinched my chin with her thumb and index finger. She didn't notice.

Finally I asked, "Have you noticed that I shaved off my goat?" There is a phenomenon that happens when a person realizes they have been looking at something extremely apparent and yet don't see it and that phenomenon slapped my wife in the face this morning. Loudly, she screamed, "Why did you do that?" to which I could only reply "What difference does it make? You can't seem to tell one way or the other."

As a epilogue to this story, a coworker of mine who is a dude noticed it within 15 seconds of talking to him.

Sometimes you think you know a person...

That is all,

Newt

Bringin' Down the House

Friday was an eventful day. At 8:15 am I got a call from the neighbor across the alley from me. The call went like this.

"Trinity, this is Jason. Are you home?"

"No, I am at work."

"Oh, well my partner forgot to put on his parking brake and ran in the house and his car rolled out and hit your garage."

"What?!! Does it look bad?"

"Well, your door is damaged and it hit the side of the house so I am more worried by the broken wood."

Well, we went to Lubbock on Friday so this was less than optitmal. Diana came home and took pictures. We called in for a contractor to get a look at it and got the quote today. Our house is messed up.

We came home back and forced the garage door up to get my truck out. Our garage is out of commission for the time being.

That is all,

Newt