Pop a Squat

I just walked in the bathroom and the familiar smell of burnt pumpkin hit my nose. This means my lovely wife took a quick respite and expelled a little waste. The odd thing is, I didn't notice that she had gone and it got me wondering, "How does Diana poop so fast?"

I just don't understand it. I have considered bringing Scully and Mulder in on this because it is a phenomenon that I can't explain. I can literally be in the living room and by the time I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water, Diana has gone. The only way I find out about it is if I have to pee.

I asked her today how she goes so quickly and her response was, "I only had one turd in me." What is she doing that her body only makes one little piece of poo? How is that possible? It's like a chicken laying an egg, one drop and you're done. It's weird. I am going to call Ripley's Believe it or Not and find out if this is something that they have covered before. Maybe it is next to that lady with the 50 golden rings around her neck and the bible printed on a postage stamp.

That is all, no really, that was all. "one turd."

Newt

Getting a hand job from a new guy

So I read about this guy in Germany who just had a double arm transplant. He lost both of his arms in a farming accident and his arms were severed off just below the shoulder. 6 years later he got both arms replaced and reattached. You can read the whole thing here.

None the less, it made my mind start and I wondered...isn't this kind of a gay thing to have happen? Not the loss of arms. I know that's not gay. But think about it. If he ever masturbates it's literally another mans hands doing the up and downs.

Sure, they're not attached to someone else but it still begs the question of if he should really think about it before he polishes his nob. You don't know where those hands have been.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - ACL 2008 Saturday

Well, we are on to Saturday for this years ACL Festival. Diana and I got to the park around 11 and met up with Micheal and Shelly again. We went to see the Old 97's on the big stage and lucked out by sitting in the shade of a tree.

I was lazy on Saturday and took in quite a few shows on the same stage so I could hold my spot under the tree for the Drive By Truckers show while Diana went to see Jose Gonzales. I did go walking around a little bit but it was pretty hot and I was trying not to drink as much for the day so I appreciated the shade as much as possible.

Around 4:30 we watched Erykah Badu and afterwards I did something stupid. One of the more genius things that ACL does is called Rock and Recycle. They give people who ask for it a trash bag and if you pick up cans and bottles off the ground, they give you stuff like shirts and gift bags. So, after Erykah I decided I would do that so I didn't have to buy a shirt. The only problem with this is that if you don't fill the bag up completely you get a lesser prize. Well, I filled that thing up but because I didn't have it filled to the top, I was only eligible for a bag.

Coner Oberst, who you may know from Bright Eyes, was coming up and I wasn't missing it so we took the bag and we went to get close to the stage for the concert. I have seen Bright Eyes before but the difference between that and Coner's solo music is pretty different. Awesome lyrics though.

When that let out it was pretty easy to get the bag filled and I went and claimed my official shirt. That was $20 I didn't have to spend. BooYah!!!

I wanted to go see 'Iron and Wine' but because Alison Krauss and Robert Plant was on my schedule, I had to skip it. Talk about a crowd...I had to fight my way up to get anywhere near the stage. Diana and everybody else went to see Beck so I was by myself which made it much easier to fight through things. I got pretty close and was very happy with the show. Between Alison and Robert, they switched off quite a bit and had a fun air about it.

Here is something I took for granted on Friday. I left early and didn't have any trouble leaving. Saturday I was not so fortunate. Both final shows let out about the same time so the thousands of people that were leaving made it difficult to get on a shuttle. At one point we entered what we thought was the line and a cop informed us we needed to head to the end. After walking for about 5 minutes we didn't see that an end actually existed and reconsidered using the shuttles. We headed for a cab but there were about 2000 people in line so we decided to retry the shuttle and they had the lines organized so well that we got back and were able to get on a shuttle in about 30 minutes. It was impressive.

That is all,

Newt

Shark Weak?

This is the coolest story I have heard in a long time. Guy and his dog are at the beach and the dog is swimming. The owner sees a 5 foot shark pull the dog, a rat terrier, under the water. He jumps in and punches the shark in the back and saves the dog. You can read about it here but that's the gist.

How F-ing cool is that? He just punched a shark. That isn't something you just do on a whim. You have balls to do that. I know to help protect yourself against shark if they attack you are supposed to punch them around the base of their head and it causes them to release sometimes but if I saw one of my dogs get grabbed by a shark I don't think my first thought would be to slap that bitch. I would probably scream like a girl and cry. Or at least I would have.

Now I am going to be one tough Muther F-ing Shark Puncher. They better beware. I am going to uppercut them, side swipe them and pull a "FATALITY' old school and rip their backbone out through their throat. That is if they had backbones.

Jaws, you better not get near my dogs because now I know your Kryptonite: My Fists.

Kapoow!!!!

Newt