Monday, April 14, 2008

Fresh Man 15

I got on the scale this morning and discovered that I had lost another 5 lbs. I was really surprised due to my lack of self control last week. I have put myself on a 1200 calorie a day diet for the past month and last week, I only kept to that count once. So low and behold, I have lost a total of 15 lbs so far on my journey to sexiness.

It is an amazing feeling to loose 15 lbs. Not so much in that I can tell just by looking but also due to the fact that 15 lbs is a lot of weight. Think about what weights 15 lbs.

1. a 6th month old baby
2. my dog
3. a 15 lb bowling ball (Have you ever tried bowling with one of those things? Makes my wrist hurt just thinking about it.)
4. two human heads(thanks Jonathan Lipnicki)
5. This guys fish. Nice catch by the way ->

So I am pretty proud of myself. I mean, ask that kid if he knows how it feels to carry around 15 lbs and he might just say "It makes your hands smell like tuna" and he would be right.

That is all,


Monday, April 07, 2008

Finger Lickin' Bad

My butt hole was violated yesterday. I saved this part of my physical for an entire post because I couldn't really discuss it earlier. I had a physical that was very...invasive yesterday and I am very distressed. Prepare for Too Much Information.

I apparently have hemorrhoids. It wasn't surprising as it runs in my family but to find out, I gave up my anal virginity in a way that wasn't pleasant and no, I didn't get dinner first.

I am unsure how many of you have ever heard a 5o something man say "Bend over the table" and then have your butt cheeks pulled apart but it is not a nice feeling. Especially when it is followed by a KY covered finger sliding up your bung hole and hearing "This is a standard rectal exam."

The oddest thing was the urge to clench. I expected this to be uncomfortable, which it was, but I didn't expect the body to fight it. As soon as the finger went in, my sphincter acted like a chinese finger trap. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't help trying to pinch off the docs finger.

After it was all done, he handed me a box of tissue and said, "This is for the excess jelly." He might as well have added, "Whore" to it because it felt a little like I was just used. And getting KY out of my crack in front of my doctor was a humiliating experience in itself. Imagine having to stand and wipe your ass in front of a complete stranger and you will feel my pain.

In the end, pun intended, the whole thing was more uncomfortable than painful. It was like having sex with an ugly girl. It wasn't bad, but that does not mean it was good.

That is all,


Doctor, Doctor, Give me the news...

Well, I had an awkward day. I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 years for a checkup to see if I was in good health. I was pretty sure what to expect and was right.

Have you ever had a 50 something man tell you to undress down to your underwear? How about having a 50 something man grab your crotch? No, this wasn't my family reunion and it definitely wasn't a job interview, I learned my lesson on that last one. No, it was my doctor and was one of the more uncomfortable situations in life.

As I stood there in my boxers, yes I did wear nicer ones because I knew what I was going to be doing this afternoon, I was hit with the realization that this is a normal deal. This is what people have to do when they get older. I am doing an adult thing.

I am not a fan of going to the doctor but what do you do? I have been paying for insurance for 2 years and haven't used it, and with my diet and trying to get in shape, I figured now was the time. There is another story that in itself is another blog, so read later. I gave blood, peed in a cup, and had a physical. Wait, maybe this was an interview...

That is all,