Don't Take It Literally

Well, Diana and I are going through purchasing new furniture for our living room and during this process I got to do something that I never would have thought possible. I got to pull the rug out from under someone.

We went to one of those tent sales that sells rugs to look at portable flooring. You like what I did there? I made that up. Portable Flooring. Catchy. Anyway, while we were there, another couple was looking at rugs and found one a couple and asked the rug guys(who knew there were rug guys?) to pull both rugs out from two huge piles. After a few minutes the girl asks the rug guys to hold the rugs so she can go to another store and shop around.

The guy told her that he could only hold it if she paid, which was not going to happen. Lets just say that the guy was not happy with what happened. So we just happened to be looking for a rug and wouldn't you know it, we really liked the one the girl had picked. We bought it and thus, we pulled the rug out from someone.

My next goal is to find someone with a woolen hood on so I can yank it down, followed by dove hunting with a rock, but just one.

That is all,

Newt

It's Magically Delicious

It was revealed over the weekend that the Harry Potter character, Albus Dumbledore was Gay. This revelation came as something of a shock to me until the supporting evidence was given. Now, not only do I see it but I am very excited by this turn of events.

This does lead down a few roads that will definitely cause issues.

1. There will be an outcry from the Christians and Family Rights organizations. Somehow this means that every kid who reads any of the Harry Potter series will automatically become a homosexual.

2. This will be another bullet in the arsenal of things that make Harry Potter the devil.

3. There will now be an outcry that Albus Dumbledore is a pedophile. He was a closet homosexual who has secret passwords into his office that are always a type of candy, he surrounds himself with little kids, and he is constantly showing off his talents with his magic "wand".

All in all, the news was surprising but I think this can be a real advancement in Gay rights. For the last few years, there has been a Gay man heavily focused on throughout one of the most popular and well known children's literature series of all time. He is instantly recognizable to children and adults, he is familiar, and he is popular.

I must say, "Good Show, J.K. Rowlings". And way to go on adding another layer to an already incredible character. An entire generation of kids have now been exposed to an alternative lifestyle and have accepted a gay figure without prejudice. George Michael, eat your heart out.

That is all,

Newt

Have you met...Palmala?

So, Friday night Diana's company threw an end of year bash at the House of Blues and bought out the entire restaurant. They had food and drink, a live jazz band, prizes and a palm reader. I have always wanted my fortune told and I figured this was pretty close so Diana and I did a couples reading.

The reading began with my wife and I holding our palms face up to an attractive young lady who skimmed them with a small flashlight. She looked over both of us and through a series of glimpses, she was able to pick up most of our character traits. My ability to let things go, Diana's quick temper, the fact that I don't like to do things I'm not good at. She told Diana that she should understand that I won't just know to do stuff and that she shouldn't expect me to.

She was able to tell us a few things about our future as well. 2 kids, the first within 18 months and success in our careers were just a couple of things. She claimed that Diana would want to switch careers once we start having kids and I would stick with my career. That info was quite different than what we have planned.

The best part of the entire thing was the skepticism of my wife and her face as a perfect stranger was able to analyze her so well. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped many times throughout the reading. I don't think she expected to be so easily read. I know I didn't.

That is all,

Newt

I'ts Dripping Cold

I am typing this as a quarter of an inch of my fat gut freezes. Right before I logged in to this blog, I took a drink from a glass of water and three drops of water beaded off and hit my belly. I wasn't expecting it so, of course, it was so much colder than it should have been.

I hate condensation. It is the equivalent of ball sweat and it makes me just as uncomfortable. I don't really understand all of the science behind condensation but I will tell you this, every time I pick up a seemingly safe glass of water/tea and a little bead of sweat runs down and kamikaze dive bombs my chest, I just want to take a hair dryer and sadistically evaporate ever drop of water on the glass.

They make those plastic cups that you prevent condensation, but those are bulky and really limit the amount of liquid in one glass. Why should I have to suffer through the pearls of embarrassment that make me look like I am crying or lactating when I should be able to use any damn cup I want to drink out of? Who the hell do you think you are condensation? What gives you the right to urinate all over my shirt just because you get cold from the ice I put inside of you? Screw you!!!

At least with beer bottles I can smother your ass with a koozie. That always ruins your fun. But no, you can't keep your drops to yourself. You have to attack me just as I go to have a drink. And you even sneak a few in when I am drinking out of Styrofoam!!! Styrofoam? You are so wrong.

That is all,

Newt

Carpoolers and Heroes and House...Oh My

Well, I haven't written in a few days and the reason behind it is television has begun again. I have started my yearly tradition of watching two hours of television a day. This year I took on a few new shows.

Picking Daisies has turned into a real treat, Carpoolers is wildly entertaining, and The Big Bang Theory makes my Monday. Also, Bionic Woman has filled my Alias fix.

I have taken the plunge into a second season of Heroes. I love How I Met Your Mother, House, The Office, Earl and 30 Rock. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to know what my audience thinks of all the new shows on now.

By the way, Cavemen sucks.

That is all,

Newt

Sexual Healing?

I had a random thought that I feel the need to share. What if you had the power to heal people but to do it you had to have sex with them, would you use your power?

At first, this sounds great. You can cure disease and get freaky at the same time. However, it also poses a few ethical dilemmas. I am married and if this power manifested, I would be forced to cheat on my wife for the greater good. Would she allow that? Also, both sexes get sick which means you would have to swing both ways to fix people.

The more I thought about it, the more confused I got. Would you take your gift all over the world? If so, how do you pay for it. I did think you could "cure" rich people for money and then give your gift to the poor for free. Could you "cure" with protection on? How many babies would you produce and what would happen to them? Would you cure everyone or would you pick and choose. Would you only cure hot people?

If you have any thoughts, feel free.

That is all,

Newt

Fair Today, Hot Tomorrow

I gained 5 pounds yesterday. We went to see "The Lion King" off Broadway last night and it is being held at the Texas State Fair. Our tickets give us the option of going into the Fair for free but as I wasn't too thrilled about the experience last year, I opted for not going. We did arrive at the show with an hour to spare so Erin, Diana and I went to eat Fair Food.

I am not sure how many days of my life I lost by consuming this food but I can tell you that it was worth it. I think they mix magic in the fryers of the fair because it has to have something more than vegetable oil in it to make that food so delicious. In the course of an hour I ate

1) A spicy sausage on a stick
2) A corn on the cob (or butter on a stick with a little corn mixed in, I am not sure which)
3) Half a funnel cake
4) a Large Dr. Pepper that was way too sugary
5) and a couple of bites off of a corn dog that made me see God (or maybe that was just Big Tex. Does God wear a Cowboy Hat?)

None the less, I became fat and happy and it was cause for celebration. Though I couldn't actually celebrate because my fat ass was too heavy to move.

That is all,

Newt