Da na na na na na na....Today is my birthday.

That's right, today is my birthday. And yes, I am gonna have a good time. By the time you read this I will have become 25. Shit that's old. I guess I should start saving for my AARP.

My wife actually surprised me with a gift that I did not see coming. I have always been able to determine exactly which gift I will be getting through a series of dropped hints, logical assumptions, overall ability to purchase everything I want and leave little left to buy me. However, last night I was mowing the yard and when I got done I was told I would get my gift. I grabbed a shower and spent the better part of my scrubbing going through the list of things she could get me.

Was I getting Scrubs Season 5? Maybe she remembered that I searched for that hard to find book that I told her about? Nope. She surprised me by purchasing me a bust that I have been lusting after for a while and one she had only seen once and heard mention of numerous times. I came down the stairs to a brand new 1970's classic costume Captain Britain mini-bust. If I hadn't just taken a shower I would have peed myself.

So apparently, being 25 is not too shabby. I hadn't even started my birthday and I had already turned a gift card to Half Price Books into a large amount of comics, and now have a new bust to put on the shelf. With all this good luck, I am afraid what karma will do to me to bring me back down.

That is all,

Newt

I'm a Superhero...well maybe not Super

I tuned into something today. I think I have powers. Now, I wish I could say I learned to fly or can shit fire, but no. Instead, I have determined my mutant super ability is the power of finding random things.

What kind of crappy power is this? Well, let me explain with examples. This weekend was my favorite book stores, Half Price Books, annual Labor Day 20% off sale. As soon as I heard this I knew (powers manifesting) that I would stumble across a used copy of The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut. Mind you, I have been trying to find a used copy of this book for more than a year and have had no luck. Well, my powers were working because yesterday in Plano, I found one in great condition.

My powers were also working at the same sale when I stumbled across 40 issues of Avengers West Coast that I have been looking for. I have the first 45 issues but haven't gotten around to trying to get the rest of them. However, the day after I got a gift card to HPB, I happened to stumble across almost every issue from 50-100. Powers activated.

Today, I used my powers to find fifty cents. I walked by a pay phone and turned around and decided to check for change. I stopped doing that in high school but today I knew, that's right, knew that I would find change. While my powers aren't that impressive you can't argue that they are effective.

That is all,

Newt

The Chronicles of Pornia

Last night was a first for my wife. I took her to a porn shop. In a previous post I told of how during a radio contest for Harry Potter, I won a gift certificate to a porn store. Well last night it got redeemed and my lovely wife decided to go with me to spend it.


Once there, I learned a few things about my wife.

1. She has never seen a porn video

2. She didn't know what a cock ring was

3. She thought all porn had a story


The place we went is called New Fine Arts and it is very popular in Dallas. It is actually a well lit, clean store with private viewing booths and, from what Diana said, clean restrooms. It had a huge selection and you don't really grasp the girth of the Porn industry until you enter one of these places.


We spent about an hour walking around and pointing out interesting things. You can purchase silicone ass or vagina replicas of some of your favorite porn stars. There was a machine that had a bar that you could attach a multitude of attachments to for pleasure, and there was such a variety of dildos, lubes, pumps and condoms that it boggles my mind as to how many sexual devices are out there.


Another interesting event was reading movie titles. I think the most surreal moment I had was when I was reading titles aloud to Diana and came across "Cum Guzzlers Vol 5." I actually read that aloud, within earshot of other people and did not feel at all out of the ordinary in doing so.


I will keep what was purchased out of the blogosphere but it was nothing too racy. I was told, however, that I was not allowed to get a sex swing.


That is all,


Newt

Oh What a Night...Pt 2

Well, we can continue our journey into the night of Greek and Geek by telling you about the comic book art show. After finishing up our Gyros we headed to Titan Comics, the greatest comic book store I have been to, and I have been to a lot of comic book stores.

They were serving alcohol and snacks so we went in and grabbed a can of wine. Wait, did I just say can? That's right. In a night for trying new things, we found out that some company makes carbonated wine in a can. It is about the size of a grapefruit juice can and comes with a straw. It wasn't too bad if you didn't use the straw but I don't think I will ever drink it again.

Luckily, they had bottled wine so me and my lady friends partook slightly, I more than they. I am a glutton when I am not fitting the bill so even the cheap donated wine was good. There were two bands playing throughout the night but the comic book store wasn't the greatest venue as sound doesn't travel well.

The auction was at the end of the night and by then I had already put silent bids on a few items. I got an awesome Scott Kurtz sketch of Spider-man and Spider Woman that is now hanging in my room. I also picked up a new art page of Spider-man. All in all I walked out spending $90. The girls didn't have much fun but I did, and 33% is not a bad rate of return.

Now that is all,

Newt

Oh, What a Night...Pt 1

I have been meaning to post on an evening that Erin, Diana and myself shared recently. Wait a minute. You perverts, that's not what I am talking about. Get your minds out of the gutter. Jeez!


The night I am talking about is when I dragged Erin & Diana to a mediocre comic auction to benefit the Hero Foundry. It was to benefit the charity's rebuilding efforts after flooding washed them out of their building. I will post on the Art Show/Auction later but today I will discuss what happened before we went.


Dammit, stop trying to make this a dirty event. I mean, it does involve Greek but that shouldn't put your mind in a dirty hole. We went to eat Greek food at Stratos. You Love It, Baby! I have never experienced a Gyro but I had one that night. For the few of you who don't know, gyro is a Greek work meaning Taco. It contained a sauce that I was hesitant about but what the hell, I ate it.


What made this evening special was that there was a belly dancing show right in front of our table. There were two women and they were scantily clad. I have never seen a live belly dance so the awe in my face was pretty apparent. The girl in Green and the girl in Red were the two dancers.


I was afraid we needed to tip them but wasn't sure if that was an insult. But then the money dance came up and I was forced to put a dollar down the side of this woman's skirt. She smelled nice though. The entire event was awkward for me but it was fun to watch. I will admit that I tried to belly dance for Diana the next day but it didn't have the same effect.


That isn't all,


Newt

Dinner with an old friend

On Wednesday, I had a mouth orgasm during dinner. Do you want to know why? Because we now have the greatness that is Rosa's Cafe only 10 minutes from our house. We stumbled across this on Wednesday morning after dropping my truck off at the Ford dealership for repairs. We missed our exit and got turned around when all of a sudden a huge pink billboard appeared on the side of the road.

It said Rosa's Cafe 3 miles. 3 MILES!!! Do you know what that means. I am welling up with tears just thinking about that delicious Queso. Oh, and those chips. This is like a dream come true topped with Christmas and sprinkled with sex. That's how good this is.

I am amazed at how Karma has given me this treasure. Shangri La is now a county away.

That is all,

Newt

Toilet Humor

Here is a funny story that is somewhat gross. As Diana and I went upstairs to go to bed we started our nighttime bathroom ritual of brushing teeth, taking out contacts, etc. I normally go pee right before bed but felt a slight movement coming so I sat to pee just in case I needed to do more than urinate.

Having lived with my wife for a number of years, it has become commonplace for the two of us to do disgusting things in front of each other. As I was sitting on the toilet letting a multitude of poots fly, she stood in front of me and we started having a conversation. A few seconds in, I don't remember the topic we were discussing, and she started laughing. I looked at her kind of funny because what I had just said wasn't humorous and she told me "You know you are comfortable with each other when you can have a conversation with your husband while he is wiping his ass."

I couldn't agree more.

That is all,

Newt

Billy the Bookcase says Hello

Well, this is embarrassing. After all my talk, I realigned some priorities this week and have come to the conclusion that I need to hold off on getting my new shed. After discussing it with my wife and pricing them out, it doesn't seem financially feasible for now. Sorry to all those who ran out to buy me gift cards to get a shed.

However, the realignment has opened up a wealth of possibility for me as I am now the proud owner of a brand new set of bookshelves. We drove out to Ikea, the land of oak, pine and Norsemen, to get a set of Bookcases named Billy. All day Saturday was spent constructing piece A into slot B but in all I completed my task and it looks freakin' awesome. I also started rearranging my room and have since become embroiled in the art of mat making.

Its like Extreme Makeover: Library Edition. MOVE THAT SHELVE!!! I want a bullhorn. I think I may be realigning my Fung Shui or something because now when I am in my room, I feel at peace. Actually, that is bull. My anal retentiveness won't let me stop thinking about what it looks like in there. It is still very cluttered overall but I am about to do some more work tonight and I after that, I won't be able to recognize the place.

That is all,

Newt

I'm Shedding

Here is my year long ultimate plan, and it starts with a shed. You see, I am getting a Vespa. Yes, you read correctly. I will be one of those people you see on the road on a scooter. Don't judge me!!! I can pull this look off and anyone who knows me is probably thinking, "Well, its stupid but I can totally see him doing something like this."

But, before I can get my Vespa a few things have to happen.
1. I have to pay off my truck. (This will be complete in April)
2. I have to get a motorcycle license.
3. I have to have somewhere to put it.

The somewhere to put it is where the shed comes in. Over the last couple of days I have been hatching a plan to get a bigger shed for my backyard. One that can house all of my lawn equipment as well as fit a motor scooter. And you know what I found out? Sheds are pricey. Some of the lower end models aren't that bad but they can steadily climb very quickly. So, for my birthday I am getting a shed. I am cashing in my credit card points, I am calling in all favors, and I am sucking up to my wife.

One person told me that getting a shed for my birthday made me an old man. Well, Kiss my Ass person.

I really only wrote all this down to make everyone aware that I want shed money for my birthday. I hope that was painfully aware.

That is all,

Newt

I'm the Hyphenator

So, Diana and I were at dinner the other day and the subject of her last name changing came up. She said someone told her that they thought she would be a Hyphenator. As in, she would hyphenate her last name with mine.

Up until then I had never heard the term before and I thought it was very silly. It sounds like a crazy punctuation robot from the future has come back in time to stop Sarah Conner from becoming Sarah Conner-Douglas or something.

I had always understood the process of hyphenating your last name. I don't really understand the reasoning behind it. Is is a longing to keep your identity while journeying forth into your new life? Is it a way to save time by not having to go through all the name changing processes? Or, is it a reason to add punctuation into an otherwise hyphen free environment.?

I personally like it that my wife has my last name only. I think it has more solidarity to the marriage because we are two of the same now. It also sounds better than her last name, which had way to many syllables.

That is all,

N-E-W-T

Charlie Bartlett

What is 'Charlie Bartlett'? Well, as noted in a previous post, I got tickets to a few different advanced screenings of upcoming films and 'Charlie Bartlett' was one of them. And last night Diana and I, along with my friends Allison and Ryan, went to see it.

I had no real expectations of the movie because I hadn't heard anything about it. However, I was pleasantly surprised. The basis for the film is there is this extremely bright kid who gets himself kicked out of every private school that would take him and thus he has to start public school. From there he ends up acting as a psychiatrist to the entire student body, supplies them with prescription drugs in a very funny way, and becomes the savior of the school.

All of this sounds silly, and it was, but it was also funny and warm and at times it was downright important. I guess that might seem like an odd word to describe a movie but, like 'Saved' or 'Pleasantville', it used a silly premise to hit on a lot of important issues. It covered alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, and high school.

If you can, GO SEE THIS FILM. I know when it comes out we will probably own it because even Diana couldn't stop raving about it. The best part is that is was free.

That is all,

Newt

Cow and Pig - A blissful union

You know when you are in school and the teacher will always ask you, "What's your favorite food?" I hate that question. Invariably, half of the kids would always say Pizza. Get an original thought you stupid second graders.

I only bring this up because I realized today what my favorite food is. I never really gave it much thought but as with most of my really great thoughts, this one just hit me. I love Bacon Cheeseburgers. Now I know that this probably sound like a really generic food and after the lashing I just gave the second grade class of Sam Houston Elementary it may seem lame. However, I realized today that a Bacon Cheeseburger is a meal that I could eat on a consistent basis for the rest of my life and I wouldn't get tired of it.

I really think the Nobel Peace Prize should go to the first guy to put bacon on top of a hamburger patty. When he did it he probably thought, 'This won't catch on' but he would have been so incredibly wrong. The flavors of pork fat and beef fat hovering on a patty, covered in a Kraft single and put on a bun. Well, I may just have to clean myself up after that.

I think we should all share our favorite foods. And if any of you go generic with a food group, I will climb out of this computer and slap the shit out of you.

That is all,

Newt

I'll take The Rapists for $200...

Well, in keeping with the Harry Potter theme, I have a story. I was driving back from picking up some paper for work when the local talk station that I listen to, Live 105.3, said they were going to do a Harry Potter trivia contest. There contests work like this: three callers get paired with a radio personality from there morning show and take turns answering questions.

So I called in and ironically, I got paired with Jasmine. Why is this ironic? Well, Jasmine is the DJ that I bought Diana's engagement ring from. So, here we are, going against two teams and using my knowledge and the fact that Jasmine is a good guesser, we won. And my prizes were...

1. 2 tickets to see Gallagher

2. a 3 disk set of The Doors Live in Boston

3. a $20 gift card to Sonic

4. Movie screening passes to a couple of movies

And, the piece de resistance,

5. A $25 gift card to New Fine Arts

Wait, some of you are asking, what is New Fine Arts? Well, it is a Porn shop here in the Metroplex, with three locations serving you. Sorry, I hear too many of their commercials. So anyone that says that a knowledge of children's literature doesn't pay off, well the next time I am watching my brand new copy of Debbie Does Dallas 2006 I will call that person incorrect.

That is all,

Newt

Alas, Poor Harry. I knew him well.

Well, it's over. I finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It was great and sad. The ending was better than I imagined and I now truly believe that J.K. Rowling won't write anymore of the Harry Potter universe. I read the book for 13 hours strait and finished at 11 o'clock last night. She finished it brilliantly.


We went to the Midnight release party at the neighborhood Borders and I have to say, as a HP fan I am nothing compared to the people that turn out to these things. There were a couple of people that looked way to close to the characters. There was a costume contest that brought out a lot of cute kids and the Borders Cafe' changed there menu to serve some of the drinks that are mentioned in the book series.


I am sad to see Harry Potter leave. I admit to being a complainer when the books were so far apart. I sat around discussing how there was no possible way to wrap up the series and that Rowling was just trying to make a need for more books. But in the end she did it and now I am left with an amazing set of books that do seem to contain some of the very magic that the stories are about.


The series is magical in that it did something that I never considered entirely possible. It made children want to read. I mean really want to read. Diana and I were in line for our book and she asked me "Is there any other book that causes this kind of response?" And the answer is of course "No". All across the world, children lined up to get this book. I think the best example I have seen is on Friday night at 11:59 pm, when the manager of the book store told everyone to make way because the books were being brought out. The cheering and clapping that filled that store was the equivalent to Brad Pitt walking out at a movie premiere. Now that is the power of reading.


That is all,


Muggle Newt

A Horse, A Horse, my Nerd-dom for a Horse

If you read yesterdays post, it was established that I, Newt the Wonder Frog, am King of the Nerds. While Nerds have had Revenge they have yet to have a King. Therefore, I have stepped forward and will rule them all, with my One Ring.

As king, I feel it is my duty to establish my kingdom. And as my loyal readers, let me introduce it to you. My kingdom covers all of America. It is an ever changing landscape but the majority of it is convention centers and strip malls. If you see a sign for Star Trek, Star Wars, Comic books, Gaming, or Porn then you have entered the realm of Newt.

My people are a proud race. We are proud of our comic book collections, proud of our fully recreated helms from the Starship Enterprise that is built in our garages, and proud of our officially licensed Gimli Axe replicas. We range in age from young to old, yet nary a female is in existence.

Yet we are not a perfect people. We too are cursed with incurable acne, halitosis, and B.O. Do not judge us for our faults, for they are the people you call when your computer has an unexpected fatal error. And we are blessed in other ways.

Our mode of transport ranges in the kingdom. We travel by car, bicycle, and bus. A favorite of my people is the White Van. It provides maximum space for traveling to conventions and has easy exit while in various forms of costume.

If you are ever in my kingdom, try to treat my subjects with respect. We can be quite vengeful if provoked and many of my kin are martial arts masters, while others know various forms of Klingon battle techniques.

By royal Decree,

That is all,

King Newt

"My Precious"

Well, I have been MIA for a few weeks and I bet you are all just so curious as to where the heck I have been. Well, you see, I was given this ring...

It seemed like such a magical afternoon. The sun shined through the trees, I heard a wizard speaking of the power of a ring. An Elvish ring that, if forsaken, could bring an end to a kingdom. I was asked if I took the ring and if I would carry it and I said...I Do.

After taking this ring there was much merriment and dance. The mead flowed as I formed my fellowship. Alas, only I and my faithful companion traveled onward. We crossed land and sea to get to a place to keep the ring safe. A vineyard belonging to a wench named Martha was our abode and we constantly traveled the isle.

Alas, our trip was cut short. An evil which shall be called Jarvis reared its ugly head and I was forced home. Oh, how I miss the isles but I will forever remember her luscious lands.

I am now eternally bonded with the One Ring. Even now it keeps a tight grip on my finger. But I will not falter in my promise.

That is all,

The Ring bearer Newt

Ream Job

Well, life can be pretty sucky and today started out as such. I got an email from my boss yesterday saying to come into his office when I got to work this morning. I didn't know why exactly but I do what I am told so I showed up. And my day turned to shit.

If you read my posts regularly, which we all know you do, then you would know that I got promoted and took over a department a while back. Well, that hasn't been the smoothest transition and I keep getting called in and told what a crappy job I am doing and how I should do more of this or that. So I try and I try and I get better. Well, yesterday I forgot to call a client and tell them that a job was going to be later than we expected. I just forgot. No malice or deceit, I got busy and didn't remember. Trouble is, that client wasn't happy about it.

So, this morning I got told that forgetting isn't an option and that if I want to keep my job over the department that I should start taking it more seriously and work longer hours and memorize everything that is in my department. I fully admit that I dropped the ball and it sucks that it had this big of an effect but being reamed for it was damned awful.

The day got better and, who knows, maybe all these talks I keep getting are starting to work. I do feel like they are leading me to become more detail oriented and focused. Still, I think being told you are doing a bad job is just one of those things that sticks with you. And you can either take what is said and use it to do better or you can quit and say that it wasn't meant to be. I will not be quitting.

That is all,

Newt

A post on Christianity

Well, I finished reading Christopher Moore's novel Lamb. It is the story of Christ and his best friend Biff and fills in the gap of the years before Jesus was thirty. It is great and very funny. The reason I am posting is due to something I read in this book and wished to share. I feel it is the best summation of Christianity that I have ever heard. It goes as follows...

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Jesus was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you(became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c),
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heaven
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a,b,c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked

Now if that's not Christian faith, I don't know what is.

I also leave you with this quote:
Nobody's perfect.....well, there was this one guy but we killed him.
Anonymous

That is all,

Newt

I do know why I didn't come...'cause I was at a concert

Whoohooooooo!!!! I just finished watching Norah Jones live in concert at Nokia Theatre. What an awesome show.

The show started at 7:30 and she and her opening act, which was a solo guitarist, came out and performed three songs together. This goes to show you that some times it is a good idea to show up to a concert for the opening act. Then she left the stage and let the opener, a guy named M.Ward from Portland, get to it. He was very talented but his music was a little slow and melodic. You can check him out here.

Norah came on with her band, The Handsome Band, around 8:30 and played a good hour and a half. She mostly played her new album, which I have yet to listen to. So I wasn't familiar with the songs. She mixed in a few of her older stuff to keep the flow. She has an awesome voice which is great live. She encored with "Don't know why" and ended with a Willie Nelson cover. Great stuff.

That is all,

Newt

Bounty - The Quilted Quicker Sucker Upper

What the hell is with Bounty? I swear, how the hell much more absorbent can it really get? Every time I turn around I hear or see another commercial about how great Bounty is. Well, la di Freakin' Da!!!

You realize where this absorbency craze is headed, don't you? Soon, we will be buying wash cloths on a roll. In an effort to get more absorbency out of each individual sheet, we will be buying rolled up sponges. How would you like for a trickle of water to find that on the counter. It's a fudgin' paper towel. When did we start needing our Brawny to act as a wash cloth when we do the dishes? I need it to wipe Cheetos dust on, not wash my car.

One day you will turn around and the paper towel market is going to be taken over. And the revolution shall be led by this guy. ---->

That is all,

Newt