The danger of sneezing

I will warn readers this is a disgusting post but when I told my wife this story she did not give me the sympathy that I was hoping for but instead fell over laughing at me. Thus I bring it to you, dear readers. Be warned.


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Are you sure? I don't want to hear about how gross this is later.

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OK, but I warned you.

This is a cautionary tale. Hopefully my pain will save others from the same fate. You see, I almost ripped my asshole open a few days ago. I was sitting on the toilet, and just as the Titanic of turds was cresting I felt a sneeze coming on. There was a moment where I thought to myself, "If I sneeze while dropping a deuce, will it force the turn to shoot out like a cork from a pop gun?" Scientifically speaking, I was curious enough to find out and let my sneeze continue whilst my bung hole was in full bloom.

The answer to my query is a resounding "NO". Instead it causes what I can only assume is the feeling of being violently anally raped but only in the opposite direction. I let the "Achooo!!" out and immediately followed this up with a blood curdling scream and finished with a massive collapsing over in pain.

As I stared at my face in the mirror and tears began to well up in my eyes, I realized that there are many times in life when you do stupid things and I had just encountered one of them. The look of shock that was plastered on me for a few moments was a sight to behold and I was forced to sit for a moment to catch my breath. My poor anus still hasn't forgiven me.

I wish to leave you with profound words of wisdom at this point but I don't have any. Wisdom is clearly not my forte.

That is all,

Newt

Aged, like a fine wine

I am closing in on 28 and it appears my body is falling apart already. Not sure why but I would guess it has just passed the warranty period and now will begin to fall apart rapidly and with resounding disappointment.

Three weeks ago I got out of my truck and my knee was injured. "Did you get hit by a car like a real man?" you ask. No, I literally just swung my legs out of the truck and when my right leg hit the ground I had a sharp pain in my knee joint and it has progressed nicely into a dull pain and massive amounts of swelling. It makes getting up a bitch too. Imagine a turtle on his back and you can get a decent idea. I have spent the last few nights having this conversation with myself and/or Diana if she is in town.

"I think my knee is swollen. It looks bigger. At least I think it looks bigger. Maybe it is in my head but it really feels swollen. I definitely think it is swollen." I then stand and look at it in the mirror and try to compare my two knees. Since they are both kind of fat and scarred up from years of neglect they look almost the same.

Oh, and the greatest moment of my life happened last night. I had to buy my first tube of Preparation H. Yep, that's right. I have a nice anal burning that needed the soothing that only a small tube of yellowish gel could quench. I say quench because that is the best description for the feeling of having gel in your anal cavity for hours on end. I had the continual feeling of having sharted.

I got doubly lucky because when I went to buy The H I got the embarrassment pleasure of having to buy the tube from a woman. When I saw her I just decided I should walk up and say "Yep, I have anal itch and sharp pain in my rectum but you already knew that due to this extremely embarrassing purchase I am making." Instead I just avoided eye contact and hoped The H shrinks embarrassment with the same gusto as my butt hole.

That is all,

Newt

Urinalympics

I have a confession to make. I visibly light up every time I go to the urinal at work. You see, there is a button in the urinal that has been there for about a week. I guess it feel off of someones pants or shirt, I don't really know. But, the reason I light up is specifically because every time I see that button, I know I will get to play a game I like to call...

Button Pee Shooting

The rules are these: While standing at the urinal, begin peeing directly on the button and with your stream, force the button to the back of the urinal. Then, slow down your stream enough to hold it there and see how long you can force the button to spin. Extra points are given if you can push the button past the red urinal guard and onto the porcelain. If you can shoot it up the back of the urinal, you get even more points.

I love this game. I will get at least two shots at this a day from the amount of water I take in. The best is when you slow down your stream just so and then rare back with your butt and thrust your groin forward while pushing as much pee out as you can. By doing this you can really get some air on the button and make it shoot up the sides of the urinal.

Be warned, this is an art and beginners should not attempt the Super Soaker move without a trained professional to spot you. I am hoping to move up in class by attempting a running Super Soaker.

That is all,

Newt

Shitty Poetry

Stalling or To the Man shitting next to me

Why did you come interrupt me?
I was here first and yet you walk in as if you own the room.
Now I am awkward, now I am ashamed.
I won't be getting anything done while you are here but that doesn't seem to matter to you.

We are both here for the same thing yet I still find myself judging you.
You are loud and obnoxious while I try to be considerate of others around me.
How can you sit there and act as if I am not here?
And to be so wasteful. Haven't you ever heard of conservation?

I pray you leave, but you don't
Do you need all the pomp and circumstance?
Can you control your actions or are you just a product of our society?
And if you can't, then what has our society become?

I feel so much pressure to leave but I stay silent, almost frozen.
You start to stir and I think my mental jabs and pushes are finally working.
I rejoice as you get up to leave, thinking I can finally complete what I sat down to do.
As I hear the door shut behind you, a wave of relaxation occurs and I am relieved.

Snap, Snap, Snap

Newt

Pop a Squat

I just walked in the bathroom and the familiar smell of burnt pumpkin hit my nose. This means my lovely wife took a quick respite and expelled a little waste. The odd thing is, I didn't notice that she had gone and it got me wondering, "How does Diana poop so fast?"

I just don't understand it. I have considered bringing Scully and Mulder in on this because it is a phenomenon that I can't explain. I can literally be in the living room and by the time I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water, Diana has gone. The only way I find out about it is if I have to pee.

I asked her today how she goes so quickly and her response was, "I only had one turd in me." What is she doing that her body only makes one little piece of poo? How is that possible? It's like a chicken laying an egg, one drop and you're done. It's weird. I am going to call Ripley's Believe it or Not and find out if this is something that they have covered before. Maybe it is next to that lady with the 50 golden rings around her neck and the bible printed on a postage stamp.

That is all, no really, that was all. "one turd."

Newt

Finger Lickin' Bad

My butt hole was violated yesterday. I saved this part of my physical for an entire post because I couldn't really discuss it earlier. I had a physical that was very...invasive yesterday and I am very distressed. Prepare for Too Much Information.

I apparently have hemorrhoids. It wasn't surprising as it runs in my family but to find out, I gave up my anal virginity in a way that wasn't pleasant and no, I didn't get dinner first.

I am unsure how many of you have ever heard a 5o something man say "Bend over the table" and then have your butt cheeks pulled apart but it is not a nice feeling. Especially when it is followed by a KY covered finger sliding up your bung hole and hearing "This is a standard rectal exam."

The oddest thing was the urge to clench. I expected this to be uncomfortable, which it was, but I didn't expect the body to fight it. As soon as the finger went in, my sphincter acted like a chinese finger trap. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't help trying to pinch off the docs finger.

After it was all done, he handed me a box of tissue and said, "This is for the excess jelly." He might as well have added, "Whore" to it because it felt a little like I was just used. And getting KY out of my crack in front of my doctor was a humiliating experience in itself. Imagine having to stand and wipe your ass in front of a complete stranger and you will feel my pain.

In the end, pun intended, the whole thing was more uncomfortable than painful. It was like having sex with an ugly girl. It wasn't bad, but that does not mean it was good.

That is all,

Newt

Doctor, Doctor, Give me the news...

Well, I had an awkward day. I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 years for a checkup to see if I was in good health. I was pretty sure what to expect and was right.

Have you ever had a 50 something man tell you to undress down to your underwear? How about having a 50 something man grab your crotch? No, this wasn't my family reunion and it definitely wasn't a job interview, I learned my lesson on that last one. No, it was my doctor and was one of the more uncomfortable situations in life.

As I stood there in my boxers, yes I did wear nicer ones because I knew what I was going to be doing this afternoon, I was hit with the realization that this is a normal deal. This is what people have to do when they get older. I am doing an adult thing.

I am not a fan of going to the doctor but what do you do? I have been paying for insurance for 2 years and haven't used it, and with my diet and trying to get in shape, I figured now was the time. There is another story that in itself is another blog, so read later. I gave blood, peed in a cup, and had a physical. Wait, maybe this was an interview...

That is all,

Newt

In Deep Doo Doo

You know what I think is one of the scariest instances that commonly occurs? Not scary in the sense of danger or death, just a creepy feeling that can overtake you. It's that 5 seconds between flushing and that gulping sound the toilet makes when you make a courtesy flush.

I thought of this today on an alarmingly massive grunt I was making. These occasionally happen and when they do, I usually flush about half way through to avoid creating a mountain in my bowl. But, every time I do one of these there is a 5 second haunting that occurs because my mind automatically wonders, "Will the toilet clog"?

Think about it. What would you do? Imagine if you will:
You are sitting on the toilet crapping and notice that maybe it is time for a flush to reboot the toilet. You reach back, hit the switch and instead of that reassuring 'Floosh' you look down and see brown water rising. What do you do, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I don't know. I am blessed that this has never happened to me. You are pretty much screwed no matter what happens.

Situation A: you stand up without wiping, try to get your pants up, and find a plunger before the poop volcano overflows. If all of that is successful, you still have to try to plunge the mess before it overflows, and as we have all experienced, plunging a toilet isn't the easiest thing to do. And it's definitely not the cleanest.

Situation B: You don't look down in time and your private area takes a brown bath. The gravy starts overflowing from between the seat and bowl and your clothes get a new kind of rinse. You panic, stand up and start traipsing through the muck trying to find the plunger. The rest is pretty much the same as Situation A.

Either way, this is gross.

That is all,

Newt

Giggle-Toot

I was just bothering Diana by smacking my gum when she asked me to quit and it made me start to laugh. As soon as I did, I let the slightest toot that made me laugh even harder. I like to call this phenomenon a Giggle-Toot.

I think everyone has been afflicted with this. I know Diana has. Funny story...I don't remember why but Diana started laughing, this was years ago, and when she did she had a Giggle-Toot. Well, she thought that the GT was so funny that it made her laugh harder which caused an even longer GT that may or may not have been classified as a Giggle-Fart. Well, the GF? made her laugh even harder and well, I think you can see where this went. By the end of her fourth GT she had me laughing so hard that I cried.

I think that if there is a God then He/She/It has to have a sense of humor because anything that can make humanity laugh with a little air coming from the gluteous maximus has to have a funny bone.

That is all,

Toot, er I mean Newt

Toilet Humor

Here is a funny story that is somewhat gross. As Diana and I went upstairs to go to bed we started our nighttime bathroom ritual of brushing teeth, taking out contacts, etc. I normally go pee right before bed but felt a slight movement coming so I sat to pee just in case I needed to do more than urinate.

Having lived with my wife for a number of years, it has become commonplace for the two of us to do disgusting things in front of each other. As I was sitting on the toilet letting a multitude of poots fly, she stood in front of me and we started having a conversation. A few seconds in, I don't remember the topic we were discussing, and she started laughing. I looked at her kind of funny because what I had just said wasn't humorous and she told me "You know you are comfortable with each other when you can have a conversation with your husband while he is wiping his ass."

I couldn't agree more.

That is all,

Newt

Bounce back

Last night Diana and I went to dinner and I had to pee. So I went to the bathroom and stood at the urinal when I realized that I was in flip flops. Women, you have probably never faced this problem unless you just have a weird stream but if you wear flip flops to the urinal, you had better be damn careful about pee splashing.

There is a fine art to peeing in a urinal. Aim to high and you get a fine mist of pee shooting back at you, aim to low and you create a popping that causes pee to fly at you like a grenade. Normally this is an acceptable occurrence but if you happen to be in sandals or flip flops, you will walk away with pee on your feet. You do not want pee on your feet.

Luckily, I didn't just go all willy nilly and let fly before checking my surroundings. I was able to flow without any overflow, if you know what I'm saying. I remember when I used to go to Ulmer Park Swimming Pool and would use the urinals that dropped straight down to the floor. We were to dumb to realize you needed shoes in a swimming pool bathroom and I would always end up with pee on my bare feet. Luckily I would just get back in the pool and let the yellow wash away. I love Chlorine.

That is all,

Newt

Dang, I hate that...

You know what's annoying? Touching your own butthole. Now, I'm sure your thinking "What the hell is that supposed to mean"? I came to this topic yesterday.

I was sitting on the shitter and had just finished folding my tp all dainty like (which is the only way to fold toilet paper) and was ready to go wipe when I guess I misjudged the distance. The next thing I know, my finger hit my poop shoot. I thought "Crap", literally. This is something that really bugs me.

It's not that its really that big a deal. I was going to wash my hands anyway, but when you expect to feel the soft plushyness of a Charmin and instead get the index, well, that is just not pleasing. Not to mention that if you aren't paying attention when you stand up, you just may use that finger to push down the flusher.

I think that this is one of those things that goes untalked about. Actually, we should discuss this issue and try to be more proactive in the Finger/Sphinxter phenomenon. In our modern day society we should have come up with a solution.

The toilet paper hand wrap was always a safe practice, but you are really wasting a lot of paper in doing that. There is also the disposable glove, but the practicality of that is questionable. The Angel Soft people should really be working on a solution to this epidemic that is swiping the nation. Yes, I did mean swiping.

That is all,

Newt

I did it! Yeah me! - A remembrance

So, I just went on vacation to Alabama and while I was sitting around with my aunt Mickey, she told this story.

"One day, when Trinity was in High School, he came home from school and said, "Aunt Mickey, you would be so proud of me. I finally took a dump at school." He was so proud of himself."

Now for those of you who have never been regaled with the tales of my "stage fright" at school, I couldn't go two-sies at school. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I had a "stomach ache" and my poor old Granny would come pick me up and run me to her house so I could drop the kids off at the pool. I also had the same problem in most public places and my mother can attest to the numerous situations where I was clenching as she furiously drove home from some shop.

But, in the 10th grade, I finally did it. I broke down and during a zero period(which is the period before 1st for those of you who don't know what that is) I located the teacher's bathroom and did it. I crapped at school. To this day this is still one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. Since this time, I have slowly begun to work through my problem. I can easily go at work, and if I go to a Target, well lets just say the gates open.

So, as I thought this story was funny, I decided to post it for all the world to read. Aren't you all so proud?

That is all,

Newt

Space Fish

I was standing at the toilet today, taking a leak when a thought popped into my head that I am dying to know the answer to. Fact: there is no oxygen in space. Fact: there is oxygen in water. Question: If you put a goldfish in a bowl of water and put it in space, could it survive? Now I know what your thinking, actually I don't have a clue what you are thinking but since most people lead with that when they offer their opinion, I thought I would use it and so it stands....Of course a fish would die. But I disagree. There are a few variables to my reasoning but I really think its founded.

You have to assume that the water will stay in the bowl, though I can only imagine that it would by use of a lid. The life span of the fish would still be in serious jeopardy due to the small amount of O in the H2O equation...but really, Goldfish only live like 15 minutes anyway, and without gravity, there is a likely chance that the water would part and poor little goldie would just float in waterless space, just inches from the water that could save his life.

Now why hasn't NASA in all of their infinite wisdom, discovered if fish are viable space creatures. If we ever do populate another planet, you damn well know there's gonna be fishing on it.

So the next time you are standing at a toilet, taking a piss(or sitting if you're so inclined) just consider that a fish might be able to survive in a galaxy far, far away.

That is all

Newt