TBWCYL Day 294 - Argument Club

Let's think of some bad ass fighters shall we?

Hmmm....Jean Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Newt the Wonder Frog? Wait, that last one doesn't sound right.

You see, yesterday I was supposed to get in a fight for my task. I actually have only ever been in one fight and that was in the sixth grade when this kid jumped on my back while on the bus and that is all that happened but somehow I ended up with in school suspension for a week. It was over the short seat in the back of the bus and the kid was black so I still laugh at the irony of that. What would Rosa Parks say?

A coworker of mine accompanied me to San Marcos for a recruiting event at Texas State yesterday and afterwards we canceled our hotel room and decided we were driving back to Austin to go out and at some point get in a fight. I was pumped.

It rained all day yesterday and as we walked around 6th Street the mood was very calm...almost to calm. We were told of a few bars from a friend and went to one where a band was supposed to play. Due to the rain it had been canceled and that meant there wasn't anyone there. We hoofed it around to other bars but everyone kept telling us with the rain and that band cancelling it just wasn't a good night on 6th Street.

We finally found a cheap bar that was kind of douchey but hopeful. We found seats at the bar, where we were served by my co-workers future ex-wife, Nicole. She was flippin' hot and knew how to work her sex appeal. I started eyeing potential fight buddies but unless I got up and just forced it, there was not an opportunity to be had.

We got out of the bar around midnight and as we were walking I started getting mad and pushing on my friend. He was drunk so he didn't care and just lit a cigarette. We stopped to chat with a doorman and that was when I had to just release my frustration on my coworker. It wasn't much but I ended up giving him a titty twister and he gave me a dirty look.

Why do all of my fights turn out so lame?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 293 - Shit!

Today my goal was to be shit on by a pigeon. I wore bright colors, spent as much time as I could outside, and did as much as I could to make my shoulders look seductive but no pigeon shit on me. Was I disappointed? Yes and no. I was hoping of all the days to get shit on, this would be the day to do it. Also, I didn't want shit on my shoulder so I was kind of happy for no shit.

Since I didn't get any poop on me I still want to leave you with a pigeon shit story.

While visiting NYC I was venturing out on my own while Diana was working. It was a Friday and I had just stepped out of Jim Hadley's Comic Book Universe and was talking to my father on my cell. Suddenly I looked over and a white pile of semen colored gel was sitting on the shoulder of my new jacket. I was pissed. There is still a small spot left from after I cleaned it off with some Duncan Donut napkins. This had been my first trip to NYC so I got an idea of what to expect.

So, there you have it.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 292 - Hey Bartender!

Today would have been a fun task if I could have gotten to New Orleans but my job stopped me from being there. You see, I was to take The Book to the closest bar that had been listed in The Book and demand a free drink. It seems that The Book deemed about 8 bars as hangouts and today I was supposed to go there to see if anyone else showed up.

I map quested it to see the distance and it is 542 miles from Molly's at the Market to my house. That is the closest hangout from my home in Dallas. I went to their website to check and make sure they had survived Hurricane Katrina and apparently not only did they survive it, they also stayed open after the devastation and even held their annual parade. How cool is that?

I will go to Molly's some day, maybe on vacation I can stop by. The atmosphere seems pretty cool and I have never been to New Orleans so I now have another reason to go.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 291 - How does Cookie Monster wipe his ass with these things?

Well, I hit the final task involving senses today by having to do the "Live without my sense of Touch". Since I have no access to mass amounts of Novocaine to numb my I was forced to use padding to stop myself from feeling things.


Now you may be thinking I am turning into Fozzie Bear, wokka wokka, but no, those are just regular work gloves. I bought padded gloves to stop any sensations from reaching my fingertips, wore a long sleeve shirt and jeans to protect my body, and kept socks and shoes on all day to cover my feet.

The sense of touch is, in my opinion, the second most important sense. However, I think the real reason to make me wear gloves all day was to stop me from having any fine motor skills. Wearing gloves stops you from doing a lot of things. Here are a few.

Pulling my wallet out of my pocket
I went to get donuts for breakfast and when I went to reach into my pocket, I couldn't get my giant puffy hand in. I had to remove my glove just to get my wallet out because my jeans were tight enough that my wallet was wedged in.

Holding a fork
Understandably, the gloves aren't something you wash like your hands and this meant I had to eat everything with a fork and knife. Coordinating this was a challenge in that my fingers were now twice as fat as usual and didn't have the gripping power they should. It took two hands to pick up the fork and get it situated before even attempting to eat a donut. I had to pull tongs out just to get the damn thing out of the box.

Picking up a quarter
We were cleaning our house yesterday when a arcade token fell on the floor. As my brother-in-law and Diana sat watching, I took my gloved hand and attempted to pick the coin up. My fingertips were flimsy and had no real gripping power and it took a good 20 seconds to finally use both index fingers to flip the coin into my hand with pride.

Holding a screw
We bought a Texas Tech flag and yesterday I journeyed to the store to buy a flagpole. When I got home I went to mount it to the house and realized I had to maneuver screws to accomplish this. It was slow going but I was able to pinch a screw between my gloved fingers and get it driven into the wall.

Using the Computer
Maybe you haven't considered it but a laptop mouse pad uses some sort of magic touch technology that only works with skin. I don't know how it works but I hate it. As I sat trying in vain to move the mouse with my gloved finger I became increasingly frustrated. Only skin would make it work and I had none so I had to give up and shut the computer. I also have the IPhone which also had the same issue. I was able to use the tip of my nose to get it running and check my email but a gloved man pecking at a phone doesn't work well.

There were a few things sensory related as well. I was trying to wash a dish and didn't realize that the water was running on my finger. I also couldn't feel most heat or cold so I could have picked up hot dishes with ease. The wind didn't get to me either. In all I got what I expected from the sensory part of the experiment. I couldn't feel and that was an experience in and of itself.

Luckily I didn't have to face my greatest glove fear: Wiping my butt.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 290 - Let me speak to your manager!

I half-assed my task yesterday because I am a giant pussy. I admit it, as ashamed as I am to. Maybe you will forgive me after I explain what it was I was supposed to do. My task was to "Dress up in a suit and tie, go to a nice restaurant and walk around introducing myself as the manager and tell people the food is on me."

I know how funny this sounds but I just don't have it in me. I can make a fool of myself but for some reason this task was just too much. I wanted to do it but couldn't bring myself to. I know I have failed you but I tried to do something in this vein to at least work on the task.

We go to the official Texas Tech watching party bar, Blackfinn, whenever we can for the games. Yesterday we got there very early to get a table as it was the much anticipated UT vs OU match-up here in Dallas. Well, I had planned on getting drunk and then doing as much of my task as I could by just going around and introducing myself to people but I wasn't feeling well enough to tie one on and still was apprehensive about the whole thing.

Where we were sitting was not ideal because they had the TV locked behind this sheet of plexiglass and, even though it was something that could be swung down, the waitress claimed it wasn't possible. I complained to someone else and got the same answer and we decided to call it a day and just watch the games from home. As soon as we signed our tabs, the manager came out and unlocked the screen and dropped the plexiglass. To say I was perturbed would be an understatement.

We decided to tough it out and reopen our tabs now that the TV was visible. Due to a scheduling conflict the UT vs. OU game ran over 30 minutes into the Texas Tech game and I was having none of it. I was pissed about the TV screen issue and now I was going to miss 30 minutes of the game I came to watch. Thus began my manager tone that I began to take with the staff. I never claimed to be the manager but I was a bossy son of a bitch none the less.

After some arguing the staff turned a TV to ESPN2 so we could keep up with the game until the UT/OU debacle was finished. Then, well into the Tech game some random Georgia Tech people showed up and our TV got switched to their game. I got in a "discussion" with the GT fan and told her this was the official Tech watching party to which she informed me it was the Georgia Tech watching site as well. I immediately got up and went to the first employee I could find and told her I would lead a mutiny in the bar if my TV didn't get swapped back. It did and things progressed calmly for the rest of the game.

I know this doesn't make up for failing to do my task right but I bossed the crap out of that waitress yesterday and made my presence known. I can only hope you will forgive me.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 289 - The World is Ending Again

Well, the world was supposed to end again today, this time a prediction of Bud Kramer of the Church of the Holy Rapture. This dude claimed the world would end at 1/2 a second to midnight, central Israeli time (7 p.m. GMT). Since that didn't happen I sent the guy an email asking for some compensation for my trauma as I have stressed about it all day(not really but that is what I told him). Here is my email to him, they supplied the address.

Dear Sir,

I am currently working on "This Book Will Change Your Life" and got to day 289 and discovered the world will end today. As this was an old book I assumed this wasn't true but still felt very on edge all day. Since I am still alive your prediction appears to be wrong and I am thus going to request a couple of dollars for my trauma. Please let me know if that will work for you.

Thanks,

Newt the Wonder Frog

We will see what he comes back with.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 288 - Family Matters

There was some funny story in The Book yesterday about how some dude went to visit his mom's third cousin and before she died she left him umpteen million dollars. The point of the story was my task which was to contact a long lost relative and try to recreate this guys success by sneaking into this person's will. I don't have any long lost relatives unless they are lost in which case I couldn't find them easily anyway.

So instead I did something I should do more of, I called my grandparents. If surprise was what The Book was going for, I achieved it. My Grandma even said so. "Trint, this is a surprise" to which I responded that yes, it was a surprise because I am a surprising guy and also threw in I should call them more often, which is true.

A little background on my grandparents. I used to have 2 sets but age took out one set. My Granny Nan and Grandpa Pete were on my father's side of the family. I had a unique connection with my Granny and I would say she was the person I loved most for a lot of my life. By the time I had come around, all of my cousins were older and didn't spend time at their house so I had the run of the place and it was only blocks away from my childhood home. I would spend hours and days after school at her house and sleep over on the weekends.

My mom's parents, Grandma Janine and Grandpa Kay, were the set I had to share. Between myself, my 9 cousins and my sister, they had more kids than they knew what to do with so I never grew as close to them as I could have. Even now I put off going to see them when I know I should. I love them and enjoy seeing them but it isn't as much of a priority to me as it should be.

So, I called yesterday and they were happy and surprised to hear from me. As I have gotten older it seems I can actually have conversations with them when before I seemed to just listen when they talked. It was nice to check in with them since I hadn't since September. Plus when I was around 10 I found a coffee can with a bunch of cash hidden in their bathroom cabinet and that is money I want to get my hands on.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 287 - Funny Ha Ha!

Yesterday was an easy, and funny task. I had to find a joke I liked and tell it to people and gauge by their reaction if I tell jokes well enough to become a stand up comic. I told the below joke to 5 people of different sexes, ages and ethnicity to get a good sampling.

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “

Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you. The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surprise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

I liked this joke so I told it and got some decent laughs. Some thought the joke was "wrong", my father laughed loudly and then claimed it wasn't funny, and my wife giggled but thought it was gross.

I don't think it was good enough to get me into a career and since I didn't come up with it to begin with, I may not have the writing chops to really do well with this so I am going to have to stick with being random and making people laugh that way.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 286 - Thoughts on Sex, Candy, and Webster

I have really embraced today's task. It is Sexual Fantasy Day and the task was to write down all my thoughts and any that are about sex I was to put in all CAPS. Since men are supposed to think about sex every six seconds the idea is to find out what I think about and if I am an average red blooded male. I started this at 9:00 am and ended it at 5. All thoughts are separated with a comma and are in order from first to last. Enjoy looking into my brain.

It is hard to write down thoughts, read name ‘porras’ as poor ass and laughed, I think I’m thinking dirty things because I’m supposed to, I should ask IT guy about my computer, my arms hurt, my best friend should move to Dallas, no blog comments :{, I want a cookie, that was a good cookie, LADY WITH BIG BOOBS, I miss that TV show ‘Webster’, God I’m fat, Tristan Prettyman is hot, I don’t like coordinating jobs, Lionel Richie’s voice is so soothing, why did that guy just talk to me?, what was I doing?, PORN, I had better save this list or I will be screwed if I loose it, Yay, Erin left a comment, when is Thanksgiving?, what to do now?, I think I need to poo, NUDE GIRL GETTING SOME, should I go get a tea at lunch?, hey, Pink Teacup guest posted, I am hungry, I am tired, I am hungry, I am repeating myself, I wish my Controller wouldn’t be so annoying, I love Salami, I need a milkshake, I just read this list so far and it is ridiculous, I wish I lived in Middle Earth, dang it is cold outside, I HAVE A BONER, I love milkshakes, THAT OLD LADY IN THE SWEATPANTS IS IN GOOD SHAPE FOR HER AGE, I don’t want to go back to work, I need to pee, I SAW A PICTURE OF A HOT REDHEAD, I learned something new, ha ha that isn’t a pleasant call, I wonder if I have any email, nope, karate chop, Lola Lakely made a comment on my blog about her body and it made me think DIRTY THOUGHTS even though it wasn’t meant to, I SENT MY WIFE A DIRTY TEXT but she won’t respond, that was embarrassing, I just walked around the corner while making funny faces and got caught, I want to hit that saleslady in the face, I am excited and exhausted, stab stab stab, avoid the dumbass, I wish I could take tomorrow off, I FEEL A TINGLING IN MY CROTCH, I hate when my email shuts down for no good reason, gobstoppers are addicting, my coworker is forcing me to visit and I don’t want to, people I work with are funny, I can’t stand Oklahoma, FRECKLES MAKE ME HOT, I am frustrated with computers, I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT WATCHING PORN ON THE COMPUTER, SAW HOT RADIO DJ THAT SOUNDED UGLY AND THOUGHT DIRTY THOUGHTS, THOUGHT ABOUT BUKAKE, I like the Black Eyed Peas, Chris Clairmont is a hack, people that reset their passwords and promptly forget their passwords make me angry, I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE, not sure if that counts but I heard the song, I always imagine as I stand at the bathroom mirror picking my nose that someone is filming it on the other side, I am going home.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 285 - Boy are my arms tired

I haven't been to the gym in a couple of months and yesterday's task was a wake up call to that. I was supposed to go to the gym yesterday and build up my arm muscles in case I ever needed them. I was give the direction to...

Sit on bench
Put elbow on knee
Curl weight up to shoulder and repeat 100 times

I knew this task was coming and thought I might use it as a catalyst to start attending the gym again. I am currently regretting that decision.

I hit the elliptical first to get a little warm up and then moved my way to this machine that does the same thing as my instructions but without having to go over to the weights. I have a personal awkwardness at the weights and refuse to go over to that area unless it is entirely empty in the gym. I stick to the rookie machines to save face.

I started doing arm curls at 25 lbs on the machine but after the first 25 I realized I was going to rip my muscles apart like shredded wheat and took it down to 15. My arms started to loose strength and I was struggling pretty quickly. Just then a huge dude sits down directly across from me at another station. It involved a bar and pulling something but all I saw was the fact that he was pulling about 70% of the available weight on the machine. I looked at the 2 piddly weight bars I had and felt like a loser. I finished 50 reps on each arm and walked away with my noodle arms flapping in the wind.

I am definitely going to the gym more often.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 284 - No, I didn't hear about that.

We made a 6 hour drive yesterday and it helped me complete my task with ease. I was supposed to ignore all media yesterday which I took to mean, don't look at, listen for, or acknowledge any news sources all day. I think this was only hard in that I usually check my comic book news sites at least 4 times a day to check the breaking news in the comic book world.

I started out the day by watching, "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective." There is no educational value at all in that movie and it contains no relevant info. I continued my solitary confinement by sitting in a car for 6 hours and listening to music and the Dallas Cowboy's game. This was only because the guy driving was a Cowboy fan or it would have been music only. I could care less about football.

We got home and watched "The Office" and "Fringe" so the only news I saw flashed by as I fast forwarded through the commercials. By the way, I watched one of these on a VCR which shows you how technologically behind in the times my wife and I are. We refuse to spring for DVR.

The only close call I had was while bringing "Fringe" up on the computer. We watch it online and my homepage is MSN so I had to hold my hand in front of the screen until I got the player up and running.

I don't think anything important happened yesterday because when I got to work no one asked, "Did you hear about..." so I guess I am safe from having my head in the sand.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 283 - Hungry?

Sorry I went AWOL for a couple of days. We drove to Lubbock this weekend to spend some time with friends but I didn't forget about my tasks. Saturday I was able to complete the task of "Go to the Zoo and Do feed the animals".

Lubbock doesn't have a real zoo but it does have a pumpkin patch that we took my goddaughter Addison to. And sure enough they had a petting zoo which contained the following animals.

• A hog the size of a barrel
• Goats
• Chickens
• Sheep
• A donkey

I had to use some of Addison's freeze dried yogurt bites to feed the animals and started with the goat. You know when animals have peanut butter stuck to the roof of their mouths and make that smacking face? Well, yogurt bites have the same affect. The goat spit it out after a few seconds though and left it alone.

I tried the sheep but they weren't having it but the donkey was another story. I held one out for him and he used his lips to clean off my fingers and suck that yogurt bite down. He liked it so much I gave him a second one. I was afraid he might bite me so I kept pulling my fingers back and teasing him in the process. It is a weird feeling to have donkey lips flapping against your fingers.

I spent the rest of the day with Addison and it is amazing how exciting pumpkins apparently are. I wasn't too thrilled with them but apparently a one year old finds them quite entertaining and watching her pick one out was uber cute.

That was all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 282 - Going Down?

Have you ever been riding an elevator and you see that little phone that's for emergencies? How about picking it up to see who was on the other end? I have now.

Today's task was exactly that and I was pumped about it. I saved it for today because I have to go to Downtown Dallas on Friday's to a client and I ride the elevator so I knew one would be handy.

I got on the elevator around 3 p.m. and went up to the 10th floor. A woman was in with me so I had to wait but was able to use the time to scope out the lay of the land. They didn't have a phone but instead had a button that you hit and in doing so call down for emergencies. I! Love! Pushing! Buttons! Especially when you aren't supposed to touch them. It is almost a dare made by The Devil and Fate and The Universe.

I got back on the elevator to leave and was luckily by myself. I hit the ground floor and crouched down in front of the button. Slowly I extended my index finger and watched the decent of the floors. The elevator went silent as I focused on that little round forbidden zone. Getting closer to the lobby, I jabbed at the button and waited with anticipation. Instantly the console emitted a hollow ringing from the wall speaker. I started to get nervous at what I was going to say to explain why I had hit the button* when the elevator doors began to open. As the third ring of the box finished I stepped out of the elevator.

As I entered the lobby I heard a voice chime on through the speaker. Someone answered, but who? Almost as if in surround sound I could hear the voice behind me in the elevator and in front of me in the lobby. I innocently turned my head to see the lobby concierge on the phone and knew that he was the man on the other end of the line. Victory!!!

I calmly strolled towards the door with a grin plastered on my face. I knew if anyone saw me they would know what I had done but I didn't care. I dared to do what every eight year old boy has tried to do before their mother yanked their arms out of the socket to prevent them; what grown men fantasize about in their business suits as they ride up to their corporate cubicle world. I hit the button and nothing blew up. I am ALIVE!!!!!!

That is all,

Newt

*My explanation was a simple one of accidentally hitting it with my foot while standing against the wall.

TBWCYL Day 281 - You have the right to remain Amphibious

I pulled up to Whataburger today to go grab a tea and sit and read during lunch when I saw an opportunity to complete today's task. Before I tell you what it was I have a little story.

Imagine if you will...(Dooddelido, Doddelido, Dooddelido)*
Young Trinity and Young Thomas are sitting in Trinity's pickup discussing life.**
"Thomas, you know what I was thinking? You see cops break the law all the time but they don't get in trouble for it."
"Well, they are breaking the law to protect people."
"Sure sometimes but not all the time. Sometimes I bet they just turn the siren on to run the light. We should follow a cop around and if we see him break the law for no reason we should place him under citizens arrest."
"You can't do that. You would probably get arrested for assaulting an officer."
"We must protect people from crooked cops!"
"You go right ahead and do that then."

I never got to put a cop under citizens arrest but I wanted too. Thomas was probably right though so it is a good thing I never tried. But the idea was there and it tied in to today's task. I was supposed to follow a cop around and make sure he was not flaunting his authority and breaking the law.

Now, back to Whataburger. I had pulled up when just as I put the car in park, a police man pulled in. I walked inside and got a drink and went to sit down. He was behind me in line and it dawned on me that I could complete my task. He was alone so I sat at a 2 person table thinking he might do the same and sure enough he sat at the next table. Thus began my reconnaissance mission.

I sat reading my book and watching him. He was carrying a piece, pepper spray, a flashlight and cuffs and my first thought was, "Damn, how do you sit with all that on you?" He ate a salad(pussy) and kept to himself. Then his communicator walkie talkie thing went off. I couldn't understand it but he immediately got on his cell phone and called his station. He said something about having a HASMAT team go to somewhere where the substance was. I instantly became intrigued.

He then placed a second call to someone else telling them they needed to get HASMAT to the place and that he had already called the other person to warn them. They had a substance and were not going to be too careful since they didn't know what it was, who it belonged to, or where it came from.

It. Was. Awesome.

He finished his salad quite calmly and got up from his table to leave. It was the first time I had gotten a good look at him. He was around 6 feet, white, and balding. He shaved his head to the scalp to help hide it. I saw his name badge as he walked out the door and learned he was a sergeant. I am not familiar with ranks but that sounds impressive.

Was he on the clock while at lunch? Maybe. It didn't stop him from working so I don't know if he is working at lunch or lunching at work. He didn't throw his power around but I did notice he didn't get a drink and when the woman brought his food she asked if he wanted a water. She was probably intimidated. I guess I would give him a passing grade on acceptable behavior though.

That is all,

Newt

*Wayne' World reference. "Party on Wayne." "Party on Garth."
**This is a paraphrasing of an actual conversation. I didn't remember the real one very well but it went sort of like this.

TBWCYL Day 280 - Model Citizen

Today was kind of fun. I was supposed to deface a mannequin for idolizing unrealistic body types. I had planned to go to the mall but I also had my first book club meeting today so it ran too long to go so I had to improvise. I was going to mess with a Gap or New York and Company mannequin so I was in a pickle.

I was at my local Borders for the book club meeting and was walking around when I saw a giant standee for a new book in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series. It is called Dog Days and there was a 5 foot tall standee promoting it. Well, what better thing to deface than the mannequin equivalent for the bookstore that is all about how skinny a kid is? The standee is the kid from the book cover so you can see what I mean by him being skinny.

I went and found a sheet of paper and a piece of tape and wrote in big letters, "I'm Skinny". I rolled the tape up and made a tube out of it to stick it to the standee. Then, with no one around I slapped it on the standee and nonchalantly walked away. I don't know if my protest will bring about a revolution of kids to only read about fat children but you never know.

These guerrilla tactics are always fun because they can be acted on fairly quickly and take some stealth. I always imagine the person who finds these to be confused at the idea of someone harmlessly vandalising something. Or maybe it is the idea that a grown man will stick a makeshift graffiti on a cardboard standee. Who knows?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 279 - I might be Mistaken

Yesterday got away from me and I had to scramble to do my task. I had made plans to go see a movie last night and was going to do the required task while there but an emergency came up for a friend and I ended up playing Mr. Mom for about 5 hours last night.

My coworker has a 4 month old little girl and I am her emergency contact in case I ever need to go pick her up from daycare. Well, yesterday my coworker's husband had to go to the emergency room for some stomach pain and that left me to go get the baby. I don't know how a lot of things work but I can usually get through most things with kids. I get better with them as they get older but even babies usually take to me. I think it is the extra layers of cushioning.

I went to pick this baby up and instantly she burped up all over herself. When I got her home she just started crying and I couldn't get her to stop. I don't know if it was the new surroundings, the fact that I have never held her, or the fact that my house was too hot but she just wouldn't quit. Diana rushed home to help me as soon as she got off but it left me alone with a screaming baby for about 30 minutes. Of course, as soon as Diana took her she stopped so that pissed me off. Stupid baby!

Anyway, so I couldn't go to the mall or the movie and at 10 we were still watching the kid so I had to rush home and get The Book to try to find a doable task. Thus I bring you 'My Biggest Mistake'.

My biggest mistake is pretty clear to me in hindsight. At the ripe old age of 18, just as soon as I became 'an adult' by graduating high school, I got engaged. Imagine little Newt with his quarter carat diamond, hands trembling... I thought it was the thing to do and I also thought it was what I wanted. I find that the mixture of young love, endorphins and lust can really get me into trouble.

My fiancee and I lived together for 11 months and then ended our apartment to move to our respective parents homes. It got worse from there and the wedding was called off on account of apathy. We fell in love quick and out of love slower but still quick enough. There were some other starts and stops but in the end it was over and I moved to Lubbock to attend Texas Tech.

Looking back on it, I know that this was my biggest mistake for a lot of reasons.

• I was 18 and wasn't thinking with my best brain; my little one had more pull than I cared to admit.
• I held off attending Tech for 2 years because of my engagement.
• I didn't take my first year of college very seriously because I was so wrapped up in my love life, and it affected my grades.
• I almost became a cliche instead of a story to tell my children.
• I would probably be divorced right now if I had gotten married.

I learned a lot from living with my fiancee and I won't say I would change it if I could. That past experience shaped my thoughts and actions for what has been the rest of my life so far. I learned a little bit about being an adult and living with the opposite sex, how to pay bills, and how to be self sufficient. But there is a part of me that will stop occasionally and just think, "I would be married almost 5 years right now if I had gone through with it" and that freaks me out.

As a side note, my parents weren't supportive of my engagement at the time and a part of me was pissed but the other part of me understood. My father gave me a look of disappointment and the advice, "You can do what you want but just don't get her pregnant". I was kind of insulted by it at the time. Years later I found out that my dad had gotten married to a woman before my mother who I had never heard of. Luckily he followed his own advice and I don't have a big brother or sister running around out there but I remember thinking, "Why didn't you share this experience with me when you were telling me not to get engaged?". I don't think it would have changed my decision but at least I would have known that what he was saying came from experience.

So, there you have it. My Biggest Mistake.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 278 - Rutti Tutu Fresh and Fruity

Guess who's birthday is October 7th? Archbishop Desmond Tutu is celebrating in a couple of days and I was tasked with sending him a birthday card.

Below is the card front.



And the back.



I hope he enjoys it.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 277 - Bed Head

Have you ever had one of those days where you just thought, "Man, I could stay in bed all day and be as happy as ever"? Well, my task today was to do just that. I spent the entire day lounging in bed.

I slept downstairs where it was cooler and made my camp. I woke around 10 and jumped up to pee and feed the dogs. With a bowl of cereal in hand I returned to bed and booted up the computer to catch up on some TV. After spending a couple of hours in front of 'Community', 'Modern Family' and 'Cougar Town' I delved into my book and spent the next few hours reading.

Since cooking in bed seemed dangerous(though I considered it), I opted for snacking all day. I ate some almonds, then followed it up with the rest of a bag of Cheetos, followed by the roast beef from the sandwich package. I finally finished it all off with a few spoonfuls of peanut butter and a couple of gulps of milk.

I had opted not to shower and started to get pretty warm in the bedroom so I turned out all the lights and opened up the Netflix viewer to watch a movie. I have been waiting for Diana to go out of town so I could watch 'High School Musical 3' and I took my chance today. I don't care what people say about me as I am comfortable with the 13 year old girl I keep bottled up inside of me and I will admit that I even cried once. Go ahead and laugh if you like.

Diana returned from Oklahoma around 5 and came to visit me on my pillow top island. I started reading again and told her my self imposed exile would last until 7. Once done, I ran upstairs to shower. I was starting to get rank from marinating in my own filth and needed to clean up.

I don't really enjoy staying in bed so this was slightly annoying. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but I really missed sitting in a chair. No matter how many pillows I used I couldn't get as comfortable as I would have liked. I did get a lot of reading done and spent a lot of time with the dogs which was pleasant.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCL Day 276 - Here, hold my life for me

Yesterday I was supposed to put my life in someones hands. At first, I had no idea what to do about this. Diana was leaving town and I worked at the comic book store so the number of possibilities for this were limited.

While at lunch I called my friend Ryan and invited he and his wife to get together. Turns out they would be near my house later in the evening and I knew I could count on Ryan to help me out. This is when my plan came together.

Once Ryan got to my house I proposed my plan. The two of us get in my truck and with me wearing a blindfold, he would give me directions and we would circle the block. I figure being blind behind the wheel of a car while someone gives you directions shows a level of trust with your life. So, we drove to the start of my alley and I threw my blindfold on. Going around 10 mph Ryan navigated me through the alley without hitting anything and we ventured onto the street.

I live in a neighborhood that cul de sacs at the end of the block so we took a hard left onto that street and slowly navigated between cars and looped around back to my house. We made it without any damage to any vehicles. It was rather exhilarating.

I think I would easily trust Ryan with my life now that I know he keeps a cool head under pressure. He was able to give me directions pretty well and get me up to about 20 mph for a while. Driving blind is a wild sensation.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 275 - High

Yesterday I had to find the highest point in my city and be the master of all I surveyed. Well, the highest point in Dallas may be a building but I don't live in Dallas proper. I live in a suburb and that means that the highest point is actually the overpass.

Walking up to that point is pretty much a death sentence so I got in the passenger seat and Diana drove up. She refused to stop and let me get out since it is a one lane road and she is a chicken so I had to settle for looking out the window and trying to get a decent picture of our town from high up in the air.

I am not really sure I grasped the magnitude of the altitude but the idea that I am master of all of the city is kind of ridiculous really. I don't have political aspirations to begin with and if I did they wouldn't be to run this town. Still, for a small town it seems a lot larger when you look at it from here.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 274 - Hi, it's me. Your other you?

Yesterday I was supposed to contact other people with my name and try to meet up. Being my name is unique, this wasn't as easy as if my name were John Smith. I Googled my name again and found the 20 year old Californian who claims to have my exact name. However, her MySpace account was locked so I couldn't make contact. I don't have, nor ever will I have, a MySpace account. I have my space and that is this blog. If someone wants to send her my blog via MySpace then they are welcome to it.

There is also a Trinity V. that is on Facebook but I don't have one of those either. See the MySpace thing for my opinion on Facebook because they are the same. She seems like a cool girl from her picture. My wife has both of these social networking sites and I can't imagine ever needing one. I love blogging but after that I don't need to know when other people are going to the store, on the crapper, or in love.

The only other Trinity I know of is the niece of this woman who works at my local Borders. Every time I go in she says, "My niece is named Trinity, I think I have told you before." and we discuss that I already knew that. She has stopped asking for my ID when I go in now because of this so I have familiarity at my bookstore. I don't know that I should ask to meet her niece though. I like that Borders and don't want to get banned.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 273 - Just for the Celibate

Yesterday's task was simple. Keep my hands off my junk and don't let anyone else touch it. Or to put it another way, today be celibate. Not a difficult task by any means. Diana is only mildly attracted to me sexually anyway so when I do break her will down to get some nookie I usually need a few days of warm up before getting anywhere with it anyway.

I started the day in the shower and made sure to be brutal on my genitalia so that I wouldn't get Mr. Happy going. He enjoys a sensitive touch. I didn't see Diana in the shower so it was easy to keep myself calm. I went the entire day at work without sporting one boner which was a change. Usually I have to walk around with a folder in front of my crotch at least twice a day as I try to be discreet until it loosens up.

I had a happy hour after work for a coworker who was leaving. I find if I don't want to get aroused mass quantities of alcohol can be applied and the Whiskey Dick can set in and save me embarrassment. This plan worked well and I finished out the day without pitching one tent.

Diana came to have some drinks too but had to leave before I did so sex was easily off the table. I got home with her already asleep and even without the my rubber inducing elixir, I would not have poked that bear. So, I went a whole day without sex, self pleasure, or arousal. I am not sure if I should celebrate.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 272 - Getting Dicey

The Book gave me the story of "The Dice Man" which was about a man who used dice to decide his fate. That's why today I let a set of dice rule my decisions. By setting decisions based on odd or even number combinations, I was no longer responsible for my choices.

It started first thing this morning by deciding two things. First, I rolled to decide if this morning I was going to go get a tea on the way to work. The answer came back as 'no' so I went without. The second involved how to get to work. Odds made me take a left and use one highway, evens dictated I go straight and take the other highway. Not big decisions but they affected my day slightly. Had I gotten the tea or taken Highway A my life might have taken a different turn.

Diana sent me an email to ask if I wanted to go to the store with her after work and I assigned the numbers and rolled. She had to go by herself. I can only assume fate saved me from some unforeseeable doom.

Work didn't allow for any die being cast due to being in a training all day. I did pull them out as I was leaving work to determine if I was going to mow my yard. Honestly, I wasn't looking forward to it but when the die rolled a 10, I no longer had a choice and came home to pull the mower out.

Having to mow meant it was finally time to go fill up the gas can and I asked the die to decide if I was going to just buy gas or get a drink while I was there. Fate smiled on me and I got a tea with my gas purchase. It also determined that I was going to listen to Rock music instead of Country while mowing.

We made a quick meal of nachos this evening and Diana told me to preheat the oven. I told her I would have to check with the die to make that decision and they disagreed. As it was time to eat I cast to find out the number of nachos I could have and rolled a mighty 7. Diana was still hungry and made a second helping to which I was given another 7 from a second roll.

I took the dice up to bed thinking I might get to play sexual Yahtzee but Diana just read and then went to sleep. It was sort of anticlimactic. I really wanted to yell "Yahtzee".

That is all,

Newt

Halloweenie

Diana and I were just sitting here and she was hanging out in her Snuggie when I said, "You should wear that for Halloween and go as XXXXXXXXXXXXX". She asked what that was and I said, "You know, XXXXXXX from VVVVVVVVVVV".

After showing her a picture of said person she said, "No one would know what I was if I went as that" which led me to challenge that statement and thus, we dressed Diana up as XXXXXXXXXXX and challenge my readership to tell me if anyone who reads this can identify the character/person/thing that my wife is dressed up as.

Winner gets bragging rights.


We have been laughing ever since we played dress up. Oh the joys of marriage.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 271 - From the Mouth of Babes

*** Warning Sappy Post Ahead ***

Today I was tasked with talking to a child, and there is no child I would like to talk to more than my Goddaughter, Addison. She is my favorite little girl in the world and at only 1 and a 3/8 she is just about perfect. I don't normally talk about nice things on my blog, what with the masturbation followed by penal punctuations, but if you got my started on Addison then you could see my softer side. Not the squishy coating I have but the part of me that melts when I see my baby.

I called Thomas, her father, on my way home from work and asked him to put Addy on. She tries to call me T which is all she can get out for Uncle T, which is my name. After some fidgeting on the other end of the line, Thomas was able to get her to hold the phone and as I said things like "Addison, are you there?" and "What are you doing?" I got back "Hea-Yah".

She also got out "T" which was only slightly clear. I haven't seen her in a couple of months and I am jonesing to go visit but haven't had the time. I almost drove up on my birthday weekend but we had commitments in Midland that stopped me.

Thomas and I decided she was really trying to tell me the secrets of life but since we don't speak baby that we missed out on something big.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 270/The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Cake Eaters

It isn't often I get to mix two of my post series together for one blog but today The Book delivered in spades. Here is what happened.

The Book set my task today to make a Fruit Cake. There was a recipe that follows

8 oz Margarine

12 oz Superfine sugar

10 oz Flour

5 eggs

20 oz dried fruit

Mix together and put in pan to cook at 320 degrees for 90 minutes. Well, we hit the store and around lunch today I made the cake. It tasted nasty so after a few bites I threw it in the garbage. Please note the picture as the cake size comes into play later in the story.

So after dinner tonight we decided to go to see a movie. You may have already guessed what happened but on returning from 'Love Happens' we were met with a cowering Hazel by the back door which means that shit has hit the fan. In this case, it was trash hitting the dining room floor but you get my point.

Now, remember the cake? You know, the entire cake I threw away that is the size of a sheet cake? Well, I guess Duncan and Hazel's palettes are not as delicate as mine because they didn't have any trouble polishing off half of my cake. The dark spots are the Crazins I put inside it. So in my estimation, not counting what else they may have eaten out of the trash, they took in the calories from:

1 stick of margarine

6 oz of sugar

5 oz of flour

10 oz of Crazins

2 eggs

This was after eating a bowl of food each just hours before.

Here are the culprits after being dragged back to the scene of the crime. You might notice the tubular shape to the two criminal masterminds. I can only imagine what will happen in the next few days as my yard becomes a minefield of technicolor droppings.

I am probably unlike most owners who come home to find this kind of mess. As soon as we see what has happened we pull out the camera, set the stage, and use the power of guilt to get our dogs in compromising photos. The fun of making them feel bad about what they have done is worth the cleanup. Here is one last picture of my would be crime boss after being caught. The Pot Head Dragon lives.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 269 - A Star is Born

Well, I was tasked today with discovering a star. Lets start with the obvious: I am not an Astronomer. I have never had any real interest in the stars and aside from visits to the Planetarium as a child, I am pretty much useless when it comes to this kind of thing. But I kept my eyes peeled and sure enough I found a star that I don't think is charted on any maps.

As I was driving to the bar last night to watch the Texas Tech beating, I didn't know that at the time so I was blissfully ignorant, I kept my eyes peeled for stars. While I was sitting at a stop light, I looked over and right between a pair of motorcycles and a 5 foot tall guitar was a huge metal star similar to the one seen here. It had to have been 4 feet tall and was sitting outside a restaurant/bar in Addison, Texas. I am not sure what it was doing there but I was amazed to discover it.

These stars are a bit of a staple in Texas; I am not sure if they are popular anywhere else. On any given day you will see them attached to the sides of houses, fences, or barns. They add a little bit of flair to things and I think people believe it helps show Texas pride or something. This was actually the first time I can remember seeing one done up like the state flag. I also like that it is a star with a star on it.

I guess Galileo wasn't as talented as everyone makes him out to be because discovering stars is easy.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 268 - Hey Girlfriend!

I have been dreading today ever since I saw the page in The Book. Today I was to...

Contact an old Girlfriend and Offer to Meet Up!!!

I really didn't want to do this. I have nothing against my old girlfriends per se but the want to get back together and talk about old times is not the most pleasing idea in the world. I have had a total of 6 actual people I would consider girlfriends and I know how to contact two of them if I ever needed to. Well, today I needed to and I bit the bullet. I almost considered lying to all of you and saying I couldn't contact anyone but I respect you all way to much for that.

Here are the girls I had to choose from(in chronological order)

Nicole: We met while working in a fast food burrito place. She was my first kiss at the ripe old age of 16. She was also my first foray into anything sexual and I learned a lot from this relationship...all 6 months of it. She is also the topic on a previous post I had. She and I fought occasionally over her want to smoke weed and it led to her dumping me. Ironically, after she dumped me I finally lost weight, got contacts, and a haircut and was the most attractive I had ever been.

Amanda: This was my hardcore Christian girlfriend. She was younger than me by a year or so and we mostly had to stay in her parents presence when we were at her house. This was a short lived 3 months but was pretty serious in terms of high school. She broke up with me because she was afraid it would get too serious but she was my prom date so I still took her. I am a schmuck and should have told her to suck it but I didn't.

Vanessa: Ah Vanessa, the one that got away if I ever had one of those. She was older, in drama and at a different school. I met her randomly and somehow asked her to her prom on the first day I met her. We dated before the prom but nothing ever happened and I think it was all because I didn't make any moves. This did lead to me getting a date with someone else though. This one doesn't count as a breakup but just sort of ended.

Heidi: I was a Senior, she was a Sophomore and way to young for me. We had friends that were dating and accompanied them to a movie. While standing outside the theatre, our friends were kissing in front of us and after saying something like, "I guess we are going to have to start making out too", she responded with "Prove It" and I leaned in and we started making out. It only lasted for a month but it was a fun little month. Sadly enough, she broke up with me.

Natalee: We started dating our Senior Year and I was engaged after we graduated. We lived together for about 11 months and things started to die down and we both realized we weren't ready for marriage. I were on and off again through my Sophomore year in college and tried to stay friends but things fizzled out. I was the instigator in this break-up which sort of broke the mold for all of my other relationships.

Diana: Similar to the Heidi scenario, I got my wife with a challenge of making out. We were both drunk and she kept asking for someone to make out with her, I volunteered and she backed down. Four or five tries later, we were in a room where I refused to take advantage of her(I know, I am a pussy) and she subsequently got all puky and had to leave the room. On a more sober night, I asked if she would like to stay over and she said yes. I goaded her with "You are full of it" and "You won't do it" and she walked up stairs and slept in my room. No, we didn't have sex but it was our first kiss and if I would have thought about it, was a pretty good standard to how our relationship has been since then. Hell, I married her so hopefully there won't be a break-up on this one.

So, who did I contact? Well, a while back I got an email from Heidi via my LinkedIn account. She found my name and shot me a quick hello. We chatted via email and when I told her I was married she said congrats and I haven't heard from her since. Today I sent her a quick email just asking how things were going. I don't see us meeting up as we are 6 hours away from each other but maybe we can have lunch together sometime when I am home.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 267 - Welcome to the Gun Show

Yesterday's task was one I couldn't do. I was supposed to dispose of a weapon that was in the house and make headway towards a more peaceful nation. The problem is that I am a pacifist by nature and aside from a crossbow, which Diana refuses to let me get, I wouldn't even consider having a weapon in the house. I don't like guns, big knives are just a compensation unless you are a hunter, and I hurt myself once with a slingshot so I can't even go Dennis the Menace on anyone.

In fact the only guns I have are the ones located between my shoulder and elbow and they aren't menacing or detachable. I considered throwing out a kitchen knife but they are a set and I don't believe my wife would care for me to much if I broke them up.

Honestly, if I ever need to defend my house my only real hope is to build a makeshift flamethrower out of a can of hairspray and a lighter. Or I could drown them with the tears of fear that will be coming out as I wet myself.

How is this for irony, as soon as I posted this blog to test layout, this ad was to the left of the screen. Big Brother is watching me.

That is all,

Newt

White Trash Bash 2009

I promised a post about this year's White Trash Bash. To start, the White Trash Bash started as a sort of Joke/Birthday Party last year. We have random parties sometimes for different things and last year I discovered I share a birthday with Jeff Foxworthy. So, we threw him a birthday party and to celebrate, made it a redneck theme. Well, it stuck and this is why we had the 2ND Annual White Trash Bash.

Always wanting to go bigger than before, I set the goal that this would be Bigger, Better and Trashier than last year and we pulled it off. Not only did we spring for a keg, I also set up beer pong and flip cup in the back yard, borrowed the projector from work and wired it to broadcast the Texas Tech vs. UT game on my garage wall, and we made beer koozies to pass out. And to put a cherry on top of this sundae, we had a 2 year old running around in a wife beater and his Spider-Man underwear and carrying a beer bong.

Yes, I did shave a Double T into my chest, not only to root for my team but also to hide what was left of the heart I shaved into my chest so I didn't have to explain it to my coworkers who don't know about The Book.

I love being able to let out my inner redneck. Everyone has a little in them and this party always proves it. I look forward to next year when I am going to have to figure out a way to top myself. Check out the pictures at our Picasa site. Some are blurry but we were drinking so don't blame us. There are a ton more out there but I haven't found anyone other than my own.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 266 - Remember When?

Today was a simple day and actually has no real task. More a helpful set of rules for remembering things. The Book asked me if I could remember last Thursday*, which I could. Had I not been able to I could use these tips to remember it.

Routine Recall Recognition: What do you normally do on Thursday? Did you do it again?

Cognitive Rewinding: Start at yesterday and trace back until you remember.

External Stimuli Support: Look at newspaper headlines and see if they job any memories.

Repetitive Association: Say "Thursday" over and over again until your mind snaps back to Thursday.

Leapfrogging Matrix: Look back at something you discussed with others as a point of reference and see if Thursday had anything to do with it.

Cheating: Look back in the Book to last Thursday for help.

I use a few of these techniques when trying to pinpoint stuff. I actually kept a daily journal for about 4 or so years in little collegiate notebooks and had a way to find the most minuscule things. Now I just have a blog.

That is all,

Newt

*My actual Thursday, outside of task stuff consisted of watching The Office and Community with Diana and being disappointed that my first Kickball game was rained out. Diana worked later than usual and got home around 7 and I made salad for the two of us.

P.S. I am starting the countdown on the last 100 days of this project. Only a little over 3 months left. Oh how time flies.

TBWCYL Day 265 - Itty Bitty Titty Committee

I was struggling with how to complete my task today but then I realized something else I have been meaning to do and now I can combine them into one post and hopefully do more good with it.

To start, my task for today was to 'Do something today that will help avoid hassle in the future'. Things like hiding a key in case you get locked out or learning Hungarian in case they invade and you are forced to switch languages. So here is what I am going to do:

Back in High School I formed an after school group for guys. Actually I was the only member but I am sure Thomas was at some of the meetings even though he didn't know it. I was the founding member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee and my charter was as follows.

"To uphold, if they will let me, boobs of any shape and size, be they Big or Itty Bitty."

I would look at boobies and admire, imagine and appreciate them as best I could. That is something I still hold to today though mostly they are Diana's and I admire them thoroughly. This brings me to my point, my wife's boobs are in danger!!!...and yours are too!!!

For 3 years now Diana and I have done the Annual Dallas Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Walk with her company. We go every year and trek with the other 100 billion people that seem to be there and have a great time. So now we are upping the ante on this and thus I am doing my task. We go every year but don't collect money; we just pay our dues and walk. Well, now I decided we would see what we can gather for this and thus help even more to eradicate breast cancer and hopefully knock out some of the hassle in the future. See what I did there?

To donate to our walk, we are so happily married we decided to do this as a joint gathering, click on my "Big Pink BOOBS".

BOOBS

Thanks,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 264 - Lets Get Personal

I did something bad. I was supposed to place a personal ad in the paper today for my task. The thing is, it didn't say the personal ad had to be about me. So instead I put one in the Midland Newspaper/Website for my dad's friend, Richard Love.

I have known Richard Love for years now. He is a rather interesting fellow and is rather impressive. He is over 40, about 5'6, blind in one eye with a glass prosthesis and I think probably has about 40% vision in the other. He is missing half of one foot, one of his hands is consistently curled, and he is a ladies man. I am not kidding about that. It is like one of those cars that you can't figure out why people buy it but they do and seem to enjoy it. Except the cars in this case would be attractive women.

I met Richard while I was in high school. If I am not mistaken, the first time I was introduced to Richard he handed me a business card that said Richard Love, OEMF. That stands for One Eyed Mother Fucker by the way. He had business cards. With that on them. Seriously.

I love Richard, but what I love more is how my dad, and through him myself, jack with Richard. We have done a lot of crap to jack with him, be it drawing penis' on his head while he is asleep or filming an entire movie in which we pretended to move me to Lubbock and instead ended up in Dallas at Texas Motor Speedway. Richard got a free ticket and was rubbing it in my dad's face and it seemed only fitting to get back at him by getting better seats and there was even a free ticket for me since Richard was already going. We played it at the bar they all went to and embarrased him in front of everyone.

We also annually call him on National Talk Like a Pirate Day and assault his phone with different pirate related messages. He doesn't appreciate it but he wears an eye patch and it is just too easy. I still haven't gotten my obligatory follow up call from Saturday in which I yelled at him about how Tech and Pirates go so well together.

I guess I am my father's son as today when I read what I had to do, I instantly thought I could use this to jack with Richard. Below is the actual personal ad I placed in the newspaper and it will start in the next couple of days.

Middle Aged SWM seeking sexy SWF who is looking for a good time and no commitment. I like to have fun and want someone who doesn't take life too seriously. Call if you are interested.

I also put his phone number in. I almost made this a lot worse by saying he was seeking another man but thought I wouldn't want to hurt some gay guys feelings by giving him hope and having Richard bash them. I am giddy about this.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 263 - Disinfect my life

What a day yesterday. We successfully had the White Trash Bash on Saturday night and it was at least twice as trashy as last year. I will get a post up about it soon and we have pictures. The only problem with parties is the mess that is left behind afterward. The smell of stale beer on the garage floor, the stain on the stairs that I hope is beer, and the sticky counter surfaces from the mixture of food, liquor and what else I don't want to know.

I have said many times before that I sometimes think I was meant to find this book at this moment in my life as it coincides with me more than it possibly should. Yesterday was one of those times. Because my task was to 'Disinfect Everything' and I can't think of a time where my house needed it more.

Armed with a pack of Lysol Disinfecting wipes I started in the kitchen and went ape shit crazy disinfecting things. I started with washing the inordinate amount of shot glasses and did all the other dishes. Then I got my wipes going and hit the following. I bet you never even thought of some of these things as germy but when I am done blowing your mind, you will think twice about a lot of things. Below is the list of disinfected items now in my house.

1. Doorknobs
2. Kitchen Table and chairs
3. Every light switch in my house
4. Alarm Keypads
5. Keys
6. Refrigerator Door Handles
7. Washer and Dryer Handles
8. Dishwasher Handle and buttons
9. Mini Blind Strings and round dangly things you pull to make blinds open
10. Ceiling Fan Pull cord
11. Soap Pump (You pump soap with germy hands don't you?)
12. Remote Controls
13. Buttons on Stereo
14. Toilet Flusher, Seat, and rest of Toilet
15. Knobs to Dresser
16. Banister
17. Lamp knobs
18. Vacuum Handle

I also threw away old sponges and I meant to do the keyboard on the computer but forgot that one. My house is now clean again and I am exhausted from partying and then having to clean up.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 262 - Log On

Today I was directed to go to www.datatranscorp.org/html003.02. It was nothing. I don't know if it was something at some point but it isn't anything any longer. I was kind of disappointed. All of the tasks that involve the website for The Book haven't been active but this one was a different site and I thought I might get a real one.

Oh Well,

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 261 - Koozie Up

Today I was supposed to give someone an impractical gift. I wanted to give a man with no hands some gloves but I don't know anyone like that. I also don't feel comfortable giving any guys I know a tampon so I came up with something else.

Tomorrow is the Texas Tech v. University of Texas game. While this is a big enough game, last year Tech pulled a little upset and won the game, thus pissing off Longhorn fans everywhere. This was a great victory for Tech and let us to have one of the best seasons ever. So you might understand the importance of tomorrow's game.

We are also having the White Trash Bash tomorrow night and a lot of the people coming to the party are from either Tech or UT. We are hooking up a projector to watch the game and my UT coworker is coming over to watch it with us. So, this morning I went to the store and bought my coworker, Matt, an impractical gift.

I bought him something every UT fan can't live without: a Texas Tech bottle Koozie. It is a beautiful Red and Black and would be the perfect Koozie for any beer bottle. I presented it to him this morning and let him know I just wanted him to have a winning team's koozie.

So, pretty impractical and I got to trash talk as well. Isn't college football swell?

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 260 - Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I embraced change yesterday for the sake of change sake. Wait, that may not make sense.

Since inquiring about that job, a couple of things have happened that I would say qualify as changes. First, the recruiting head forwarded my name on to the right person for the job. So, now the right people have my name. Those same people emailed me yesterday to say that they will be in touch and that in the meantime I should prep my resume. I haven't updated my resume in almost 4 years and last night it showed.

Embracing change was simple when you have to prepare a resume. It gave me the opportunity to look back at the 4 years I have been at my current company and see how much I have done and grown. As Diana and I were talking about things to add to the resume, she would ask, "What have you done to..." and I kept having to come up with new things. I do mix with clients all the time, I do act as the main contact on a million dollar account, and I do work independent of others and get my stuff done.

4 years is a long time. Looking back a lot of things have changed. 35lbs to start with. Diet and exercises come to mind. Spider-man was unmasked and then had the memories erased and Captain America was killed and is now being resurrected. That is some heavy stuff.

In closing I thought this was a funny quote about change.

He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery. ~Harold Wilson

That is all,

Newt

I come from the land down under...

Sing it with me now, "I got a present, I got a present". Did you draw out the 'esent' part? Good because it doesn't really work without it. As it was mentioned last week, I had a birthday. And my dear friend Bea (better known as The Girl with the Pink Tea Cup, or my twin) said she sent me a package which I have been waiting for with bated breath. Actually it was beer-ded breath but who's counting? Well, after stalking the post box like a hawk my diligence finally paid off because today it arrived.

I would direct you to go to her site but she has committed the most heinous act of turning it off and no longer posting and we are all to be duly disappointed for the foreseeable future.

First the card. This is an awesome card and for just a second I thought Bea might have drawn it herself.



I don't know how clear this is to read but it isn't for lack of an awesome handwriting job. Can I just say I wish I could write as clean and neat as this. It must be an Aussie thing.


One of the things Bea does is call me her 'froggy friend'. It melts my heart a little when she does it because it is both cute and familiar. I was happy to see that included in my birthday card.


So, after reading my amazingly awesome card, I lifted the bag that contained my present and was afraid it might have broken. Inside the heavy duty envelope that arrived was a smaller bag. The envelope was slightly heavy and when I went to pull the bag out things were shifting. I was afraid something had snapped off of whatever was in there but I was wrong. As I poured the contents onto the table, I began to chuckle and as more and more poured out I laughed harder and harder.



I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the amount of frog related paraphernalia on the table. The 12 little bags are all Cadbury chocolate frogs with different fillings. The red is Strawberry, which I already ate one of, and the green is mint, which I also tried. Also included were a plastic wind-up frog that does flips, a pen that has a frog with movable legs, and a key chain that both lights up and croaks. I proceeded to freak the dogs out and chase them around with the key chain.

I loved my present and couldn't have been happier. Thank you so much, Bea.

Newt

TBWCYL Day 259 - Book of Job

Yesterday's task was to make a move that would get me closer to the top at my job. I work in the Printing Industry, mainly working on website ordering systems and coordinating the print that is bought off of our sites. I also do some file prep as well and have been doing this job for about 2 of the 4 years I have worked at my company. We are a pretty big consolidation and have around 70 other companies in the USA. This affords me a slight advantage as we get emails of opportunities for new positions at other companies and yesterday I got an email.

Apparently there is a new position available that would still be Dallas based but would require a bit of travel. It is more on the IT side of things and with some training I am sure I could do it, so I contacted the people who posted the job and asked them for more information. To put into perspective how this is kind of big, I have been getting these emails for years and barely ever look at them or see anything that would make me want to leave. But this one does.

I haven't the slightest clue if I could get it but I figured I should try. It could radically change my life but I feel like that might not be a bad thing at the moment. Now I just have to wait; emails must be received and information processed to figure out if I want the job and if they want me. I now have that nervousness that comes with trying not to want something to stop yourself from being disappointed if you don't get it.

That is all,

Newt

Condom Sense

So, I have been married about 2 years now and one of the perks of being married, actually one of the main reasons to get married, is that you can trust in "The Pill" and not worry about pregnancy as much. I figure if one of my boys gets past the goalie then that is OK because we are married. So, for 2 years I have been lucky enough to go condom free when my wife gives in to my begging and pleading to have sex with me.

A few weeks ago however, Diana was put on an antibiotic, and for the male and female readers who don't know, if you go on antibiotics, ''The Pill" might not work. What does that mean for me? You guessed it, I am back on the rubbers.

I must say I don't care for the whole thing. Sure, my wife's skin is clearing up due to the medication and that is nice...for her. But now I am having to do something I haven't done in forever and to top it all off, now I have to buy the stupid things. Which brings me to my point.

I think I bought Black Guy condoms.

I went to the store after almost exhausting what was left of my condom stash, maybe 3 or 4 from P.C.(Pre Condom) days and as I stood in the prophylactic aisle at the local Tom Thumb I remembered the stupid feeling of buying condoms.

Diana said it best when, as I threw a box in the cart, she stated, "I hate buying these. It is embarrassing. It feels like when you buy them you are doing something wrong, even though your not. I feel like they look at you and go, "Why are they using these?""

Anyway, I was looking at the different options and didn't see the ones I usually got so I decided to try something else. I saw Trojan had a new condom out called Ecstasy and thought that sounded preferable to anything called "Mediocre". I noticed the box of 10 was bigger than a normal 12 pack but two and two didn't go together at that moment. When I got them home I realized I may have bought something that didn't fit.

Below is a picture of my traditional condom package on top of my new condom package. See a discrepancy? I don't know yet but I am going to guess that if I use one it will feel like parachute pants: snug in the middle but baggy as hell around the...well you know.

The package claims it feels like nothing is there but I have worn sweaters that are too big and just because there was extra fabric doesn't mean it floated on air. I may just use them as socks for when it is raining and buy a different box.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 258 - Money for Nothing

Today's task was to send another $18 (the purchase price of The Book) to the Benrik company and in return I would be supplying the workers of Benrik with beer money and food so they can survive. Also promised was the chance at my picture being posted in the next edition of This Book Will Change Your Life.

Well, since that printed 4 years ago and their employees have either died or moved on to bigger and better things, I don't feel it necessary to send them anything. Plus I got my copy at half price I would really only send them $9.

So, I guess I get the day off. I suppose I can write that post about condoms now.

*Updated: Erin suggested I go back to where I bought The Book and buy more things there as a way to spend money so that is just what I did. I got 2 new books, one a graphic novel and one a comic political science book, as well as buying Diana something. Task is now done right.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 257 - Newty Clause is Coming to Town

Today's task had to be postponed so instead I did one that I had to skip earlier. We are gearing up for the White Trash Bash of 09 and journeyed to our local thrift store to look for costumes. While there I was able to complete a task and I think certain people are going to be very happy about it.

You see, today my task was "Buy Christmas Presents for Everyone". I will say that I left a few people off the list. Mostly I just bought for my friends and left the family for a later shopping spree. So, who got gifts from the Thrift Shop?

Thomas, Jessica, Erin and my wife's friend Beth Anne. I won't say what I bought them but every one is special and I think they will be cherished greatly. And, I didn't spend more than $5 on anything. Bargain hunting is awesome. I can't wait to see their faces when they open their gifts on Christmas Day.

I will finish this off with a story. Diana use to roommate with a girl at Texas Tech who was a little eccentric. She had a boyfriend and one day was showing Diana a shirt she had bought him for Christmas. Diana asked where she got it and she said 'Goodwill'. I never did forget that and thought it was odd at the time. I guess now I don't.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 256 - Bad Situation Developing

Today's task involved going through my photos and burning all of the ones that are really bad. Since I don't actually print photos this involved running through our entire Picasa page and finding and deleting out the pictures that are really bad. Before I deleted them I thought I would share with you what I deemed 'deletable'.

This was taken recently at a friends wedding. I don't know the context but I can only assume I was explaining how my lips have the uncanny ability to take on the guise of an engorged anus and thought it necessary to show off the talent.

The below was taken after many, many, many games of beer pong whilst at a friends birthday bash. No, I didn't have the flu when this was taken but I can see why you might think that.

Below is a self photo I took from a downward angle during St. Patty's Day of 2006. I suppose if I ever loose my day job I can always get work as Jabba the Hutt on the Star Wars Convention Circuit.

While at a wedding in Mississippi we all had a couple of beers and were talking. I apparently caught a mild case of mental retardation and was looking for a fist bump from someone.

This lovely shot was taken at a live art show that was held in Dallas for the annual Free Comic Book Day that happens in May. This was from 2008 and I have no idea why I look like I have just finished crying.

This gem was on a school bus that we rented to drive us back and forth to Fort Worth. We were heading to Billy Bobs for a concert and had a lot to drink before and during the ride. Don't worry, the driver was hired out and didn't drink.




Diana insisted we ride the Ferris Wheel at the Texas State Fair in 2006. I clearly didn't want my picture taken as I put on my uninterested face.

I have a bad habit of taking crappy pictures. Now there is less evidence of it.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 255 - Hey God.

Today I was to test the existence of God, aka Yahweh, by saying aloud some of the questions that The Book has claimed are ripe for getting God to appear and thus prove his existence. The suggestion in The Book was to do this on a mountain or hill as that seemed to be the place that most people saw God in the Bible. I instead chose to ask mine in a church.

We had a wedding to go to last night and while we were sitting in the chapel I just looked up to the rafters and asked "Are you there God?". I never got an answer but asked a second time just to be safe.

When that wasn't doing it for me I chose a different tactic. It was raining outside and has been for the past day or so. The Book suggested a taunting question to try and incur Gods wrath so I just looked up and said, "Bet you can't hit me with lightning". Diana didn't appreciate me saying this but I said it again for good measure. I was slightly afraid lightning would strike, thus ruining the wedding. I admit I would have been pretty embarrassed had that happened.

I didn't ever see God yesterday and was pretty disappointed. I was really hoping He would appear and thus end all the questions I had of his existence.

Some of the other things to attract God that I didn't get to use were

• "God, I have some important data about the Devil's latest plans. Come down and I will show you"
• "Show me a miracle God and I will sacrifice any animal you care to mention"
• "Hey God, I'm angel Bob. I've lost my wings somewhere over there. Help me out"

I particularly like the one with the Devil.

That is all,

Newt

TBWCYL Day 254 - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was fun for a task. I got to create my own punctuation mark. I though long and hard about what I wanted to make and it came to me.

This is a Sexclamation Point.

Have you ever been typing and thought, dang it all but when I talk about sex a regular old exclamation point just get the point across as well as I would like it to? That's what this is for. So when you are writing something dirty, say "I love to Fuck" well, you just throw one of these bad boys on the back end and I think anyone will get the point.

That is all,

Newt