For a good time call...

I have a confession to make. Whenever I stop to go to the bathroom anywhere that isn't a place I know, i.e. my home or that of someone I know, I always check for writing. Stall doors and the wall above a urinal are the best places to find a multitude of interesting quips. Here are a few that I continuously see.

First, the word "Penis". I have actually considered taking a camera with me and photographing this word whenever I see it and making it a coffee table book. Be it carved into a stall door or scribbled on the grout between the tile it is prevalent everywhere in America. For some reason, guys just love writing this word. I am unsure if this is a weird phallic obsession or maybe it is gender based. Do women write "Vagina" on the metal of the toilet paper roll holder?

U R Gay! Why do people write this? First, it is lazy that you can't spell out all of the words and B, why are you gay? Just because I had to drop a duece in the JC Penney stall does not automatically mean I like the weiner. And I think that whoever wrote this may have some unresolved issues they need to work out.

"For good head call 'insert name and number here'" Has anyone actually called one of these numbers? I imagine that going something like this...
Ring, Ring
"Hello?"
"Hey, yeah my name is Robbie and I am in the second stall at the Texaco out on Route 4. I am looking for Tammy."
"This is Tammy, how did you get this number?"
"Well, it says here that you give a great BJ and I was wondering if you could fit me in."
"Oh, this was my write up on the stall door. Yes, I have been getting a lot of hits from that. Let me get my appointment book and I can see what I have open."

This is the most F-ing retarded thing to do. Clearly you have to be mental to call the number to begin with and I would imagine that no one is going to just let you come on over to verify the recommendation. Also, if they were that good, would you really let that secret out or just keep it for yourself? Most likely this is false advertising.

I love the phenomenon of toilet stall graffiti. It is always random and many times entertaining. I will leave you with one I saw today on the way home from Mississippi.

A scholarly gentleman had carved "Faggat" into the urinal wall. Above that, someone used a sharpie to proclaim "Learn to Spell" with an arrow aiming at the word.

That is all,

Newt

Toes R Us

I had an interesting Wednesday trip. I got off around 2 and Diana wanted a pedicure so I decided to tag along and for the interest of reporting, get a pedicure. The closest I have ever come to having my toes done is when Diana pulled out the foot bath she owns and gave me a foot scrub so I was not sure what to expect.

Surprise, an old chinese lady ran the place. Who would have guessed? I was put in a surprisingly high tech chair, it had a message feature and swivel action, and commenced with the foot job. The woman who worked on my feet was slightly demanding. She would yank my feet around and slap them when she wanted me to lift or drop my foot.

She pushed my cuticles in, scrubbed the bottoms of my feet, and rubbed down my calves with some grainy gel. It was an odd process to say the least. They even put a clear polish on my toes to give it a nice shine.

I won't be getting another one of these though. My big toe on my right foot has had an itch on the cuticle all day and I probably have a fungal infection now that will make me have to cut it off. The one bit I did enjoy was the tickling my feet got when I was pummiced. Not sure that was worth $20. I think if I was going to give a Chinese woman $20 bucks to rub something down I should be more satisfied at the end of the thing.

That is all,

Newt

Bah Humbug!!!

I am having a big problem with Christmas this year. Not only have I gotten into a few arguments with Diana over it, I just generally don't want to celebrate Christmas this year. To date I have had 25 celebrations of Jesus' birth. 25 days of opening gifts, buying presents and making sure that everything is the way it is supposed to be. Is it wrong to want a year off?

I am in an odd place with Christmas. As a person who doesn't practice organized religion, I have taken Jesus out of the equation. Except that at the same time, I don't think that buying stuff for people just so they can open something on the arbitrary day that someone decided to celebrate the birth of Jesus is enough of a reason to celebrate.

Yesterday morning I had what turned in to an argument with Diana because she said Christmas is about giving people presents. And that's really true. No one gives a shit about little baby Jesus and the three wise men. Now its "What do you want for Christmas" and 'Black Friday' sales; making sure everyone gets a present and trying to rack your brain to come up with something that will show everyone that you love them. It makes me sick.

It is shown that when the financial economy is in crisis, the first thing to go is donating to charity. People only give when they can and that is a shame because the people who need it most get screwed so people can buy their kids and relatives stuff they don't need. So, here's what I would like to do. If I know you and you know me, then don't buy me anything for Christmas. I know, "But I want you to have something to open on Christmas." It's OK. I understand...but I don't need anything. I can live without movies and I don't need clothes. Take whatever you were going to spend on me and donate it. Here is the charities I would like to see get help this year.

The Hero Foundry is a non-profit organization that raises money to donate Graphic Novels to underfunded Libraries. It gives kids a chance to read comics when their libraries might not spend the money to bring in this type of literature.

The SPCA of Texas is also near and dear to me as it is where we got Hazel. They take in strays and rescue animals of all kinds and are a no kill shelter. They are privately funded and need help.

And if you must hand me a gift so I have something to open on Christmas, just put a note in an envelope that says "An animal is still alive because I gave money in your name" or "A library now has a book they wouldn't have because of you" and I will be happier than if I got Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on DVD.

That is all,

Newt

Unrecognizable

Well, last night I decided it was time to clear the field that is my face and I shaved off my goatee. This isn't a permanent thing but from time to time I like to give my face a few days of nudiness so before bed, i got my trimmer and zipped it off, then followed it up with a razor. When I got into bed, I expected Diana to comment but she didn't notice and we went to bed.

This morning, we got up and went to work out. She said nothing about it so I left it alone. In my opinion, if your spouse makes a noticeable change to their appearance, it should be quickly apparent to you. Diana got out of the shower and I got in and she didn't notice. We were having a conversation while we were both getting ready and she didn't notice. We began to goof around and started having a staring contest. She didn't notice. I literally got inches from her face. She didn't notice. She commented that I had a double chin and I made my face look fatter. She didn't notice. She reached up and pinched my chin with her thumb and index finger. She didn't notice.

Finally I asked, "Have you noticed that I shaved off my goat?" There is a phenomenon that happens when a person realizes they have been looking at something extremely apparent and yet don't see it and that phenomenon slapped my wife in the face this morning. Loudly, she screamed, "Why did you do that?" to which I could only reply "What difference does it make? You can't seem to tell one way or the other."

As a epilogue to this story, a coworker of mine who is a dude noticed it within 15 seconds of talking to him.

Sometimes you think you know a person...

That is all,

Newt

Bringin' Down the House

Friday was an eventful day. At 8:15 am I got a call from the neighbor across the alley from me. The call went like this.

"Trinity, this is Jason. Are you home?"

"No, I am at work."

"Oh, well my partner forgot to put on his parking brake and ran in the house and his car rolled out and hit your garage."

"What?!! Does it look bad?"

"Well, your door is damaged and it hit the side of the house so I am more worried by the broken wood."

Well, we went to Lubbock on Friday so this was less than optitmal. Diana came home and took pictures. We called in for a contractor to get a look at it and got the quote today. Our house is messed up.

We came home back and forced the garage door up to get my truck out. Our garage is out of commission for the time being.

That is all,

Newt

Pop a Squat

I just walked in the bathroom and the familiar smell of burnt pumpkin hit my nose. This means my lovely wife took a quick respite and expelled a little waste. The odd thing is, I didn't notice that she had gone and it got me wondering, "How does Diana poop so fast?"

I just don't understand it. I have considered bringing Scully and Mulder in on this because it is a phenomenon that I can't explain. I can literally be in the living room and by the time I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water, Diana has gone. The only way I find out about it is if I have to pee.

I asked her today how she goes so quickly and her response was, "I only had one turd in me." What is she doing that her body only makes one little piece of poo? How is that possible? It's like a chicken laying an egg, one drop and you're done. It's weird. I am going to call Ripley's Believe it or Not and find out if this is something that they have covered before. Maybe it is next to that lady with the 50 golden rings around her neck and the bible printed on a postage stamp.

That is all, no really, that was all. "one turd."

Newt

Getting a hand job from a new guy

So I read about this guy in Germany who just had a double arm transplant. He lost both of his arms in a farming accident and his arms were severed off just below the shoulder. 6 years later he got both arms replaced and reattached. You can read the whole thing here.

None the less, it made my mind start and I wondered...isn't this kind of a gay thing to have happen? Not the loss of arms. I know that's not gay. But think about it. If he ever masturbates it's literally another mans hands doing the up and downs.

Sure, they're not attached to someone else but it still begs the question of if he should really think about it before he polishes his nob. You don't know where those hands have been.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - ACL 2008 Saturday

Well, we are on to Saturday for this years ACL Festival. Diana and I got to the park around 11 and met up with Micheal and Shelly again. We went to see the Old 97's on the big stage and lucked out by sitting in the shade of a tree.

I was lazy on Saturday and took in quite a few shows on the same stage so I could hold my spot under the tree for the Drive By Truckers show while Diana went to see Jose Gonzales. I did go walking around a little bit but it was pretty hot and I was trying not to drink as much for the day so I appreciated the shade as much as possible.

Around 4:30 we watched Erykah Badu and afterwards I did something stupid. One of the more genius things that ACL does is called Rock and Recycle. They give people who ask for it a trash bag and if you pick up cans and bottles off the ground, they give you stuff like shirts and gift bags. So, after Erykah I decided I would do that so I didn't have to buy a shirt. The only problem with this is that if you don't fill the bag up completely you get a lesser prize. Well, I filled that thing up but because I didn't have it filled to the top, I was only eligible for a bag.

Coner Oberst, who you may know from Bright Eyes, was coming up and I wasn't missing it so we took the bag and we went to get close to the stage for the concert. I have seen Bright Eyes before but the difference between that and Coner's solo music is pretty different. Awesome lyrics though.

When that let out it was pretty easy to get the bag filled and I went and claimed my official shirt. That was $20 I didn't have to spend. BooYah!!!

I wanted to go see 'Iron and Wine' but because Alison Krauss and Robert Plant was on my schedule, I had to skip it. Talk about a crowd...I had to fight my way up to get anywhere near the stage. Diana and everybody else went to see Beck so I was by myself which made it much easier to fight through things. I got pretty close and was very happy with the show. Between Alison and Robert, they switched off quite a bit and had a fun air about it.

Here is something I took for granted on Friday. I left early and didn't have any trouble leaving. Saturday I was not so fortunate. Both final shows let out about the same time so the thousands of people that were leaving made it difficult to get on a shuttle. At one point we entered what we thought was the line and a cop informed us we needed to head to the end. After walking for about 5 minutes we didn't see that an end actually existed and reconsidered using the shuttles. We headed for a cab but there were about 2000 people in line so we decided to retry the shuttle and they had the lines organized so well that we got back and were able to get on a shuttle in about 30 minutes. It was impressive.

That is all,

Newt

Shark Weak?

This is the coolest story I have heard in a long time. Guy and his dog are at the beach and the dog is swimming. The owner sees a 5 foot shark pull the dog, a rat terrier, under the water. He jumps in and punches the shark in the back and saves the dog. You can read about it here but that's the gist.

How F-ing cool is that? He just punched a shark. That isn't something you just do on a whim. You have balls to do that. I know to help protect yourself against shark if they attack you are supposed to punch them around the base of their head and it causes them to release sometimes but if I saw one of my dogs get grabbed by a shark I don't think my first thought would be to slap that bitch. I would probably scream like a girl and cry. Or at least I would have.

Now I am going to be one tough Muther F-ing Shark Puncher. They better beware. I am going to uppercut them, side swipe them and pull a "FATALITY' old school and rip their backbone out through their throat. That is if they had backbones.

Jaws, you better not get near my dogs because now I know your Kryptonite: My Fists.

Kapoow!!!!

Newt

Summer Concert Series - ACL 2008 Friday

I am not sure if we are still in Summer or not but last weekend was a three day event known as the Austin City Limits Music Festival. Diana and I attended it and after three days of music, sunshine and dust we made it home yesterday at 4 A.M.

I am going to cover this in three blogs to make sure that the festival isn't under appreciated. First and foremost, you can see all of the pictures on our Photo Site. I got up and drove to Austin on Friday by myself to attend the first day of ACL. Diana was stuck in Dallas for Friday due to work so I arrived in Austin at 10:30 and rode the shuttle to Zilker Park for the event. I met up with my cousin Micheal and his girlfriend while there and stood in line with them while they got someone from 'Vampire Weekend's autograph.

We set our chairs up to watch 'Asleep at the Wheel' and followed it up with a band I had never heard of called 'What Made Milwaukee Famous'. If you have the time, check out their music. It was fairly entertaining and made for some good listening.

One of the things I really appreciated about this type of festival is the varying degree of talent that shows up. Along with the fact that the styles are so eclectic, you get to find things you aren't familiar with. After 'Milwaukee' I broke from my cousin and went and took in Jakob Dylan. I knew the name but wasn't familiar with his stuff and was pleasantly surprised. Ironically, his father closed out the festival last year and was not very good from what I hear so to see him playing was a treat.

I wasn't the only Dallas resident to be attending the show. Erin drove down as well and after Jakob Dylan, I met up with her to watch a singer by the name of Patty Griffin sing. She was very Melissa Ethridge and at one point I looked over and saw a pair of legs in the crowd that were hairier than mine but were somehow attached to a woman of considerable girth. Crazy Lesbos.

For those who don't know, I am a closet Country fan and the 'Eli Young Band' played at the Austin Ventures stage. I went alone again but didn't care because they put on a hell of a show. I even ended up buying one of their albums on Saturday.

The final show of the night, and my second favorite performance of the entire festival was 'The Swell Season'. I met back up with Erin for this one and got much closer to the stage than any of the other concerts. It was getting darker so the temp was going down and was a nice end to the night. This is the duo that won 'Best Original Song' at the Oscars for the song "Falling Slowly" from the film 'Once'. Glen Hansard is one hell of a guitarist and can sing too. He played an acoustic Van Morrison cover where he strummed the hell out of his guitar. His duets with the other half of the band, Marketa Irlova were great and they really play well off of each other.

Sadly, this ended my first day at ACL due to the need to go pick up Diana. I had some time to kill and went to grab some dinner when I stumbled across an original A-Frame Whataburger that was decorated with a retro theme. I was so hungry from the day but I was patient after ordering my food and was paid off with an awesome meal that rivals some of the other Whataburgers I have had. There was a nostalgia to the whole thing.

The high or Friday was about 92 degrees. It was hot but not unbearable though I really appreciated every $8 24oz. Heineken I drank and the tea at the end of the night could not be refilled fast enough.

That is all,

Newt

Oktoberfest 2008

Every year Addison Texas holds the annual Oktoberfest and last night we went. There was a Bier Garten, a traditional tapping of the Keg, and lots and lots of German food. It is a three day event but we only went last night. Diana and I had sausage, strudel, and funnel cake and lots of beer.

In one of my prouder moments, I competed in the beer belly contest. It consisted of me and about 10 other guys parading our bellies around for a crowd. I tried my belly rolling to get me some style points but there were a couple of guys who had plenty of years of training on me took the top two spots. I got a free appetizer to a restaurant I frequent so I wasn't disappointed.

We got to witness a yodelling contest that was pretty silly. I made our friend, Mike, compete in it. We were led in a chant for the Prost! and Zicke-Zicka, Zicke-Zicka, Hoi, Hoi, Hoi!. One awesome thing was that every year you can buy a souvenir mug and can refill it with beer for $5 a glass. Small investment but nice return.

It was a blast and when you get a bunch of people drinking and trying to speak German, you can't go wrong.

That is all,

Newt

Oh the Humanity!

My faith in Humanity has been pulled on quite a bit in the last couple of days. While on my way home Friday, I saw something that made me think people are lousy. I was sitting in my friends car and saw a bicyclist riding down the sidewalk. A car was sitting at a stop light that was about to turn green(I know this because we were on the cross light and it had turned red) and just as the biker was about to hit the street, the light turned and the car made a quick right turn.

The bikers front wheel was hit because he was entering the street and it knocked him for a loop. He didn't fall because he had slowed down quite a bit before entering the street but it took him a while to get the bike going again and after he got to the other side of the road he got off the bike and I think he was checking it out because the wheel was bent.

The driver of the car just kept going and I don't know if that is because they didn't see him tap the car or if they just didn't want to deal with it. It all happened so fast that I am not 100% sure that he even hit the car but none the less, if they did know and just drove off then there are assholes in Lewisville.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, yesterday I was sitting at Whataburger(I get it, I eat there a lot) and was reading a book and waiting for the comic book store to open. When I got my drink I smelled a man sitting in the corner and could automatically tell he was homeless. It was raining in Dallas yesterday and I have seen many times that the Homeless population and Whataburger have a relationship. He was drinking coffee and generally not bothering anyone except for his smell.

As I read and ate my breakfast I started to feel a twinge of guilt. Why didn't I offer that guy breakfast or a burger? Why don't I go give him my Whataburger gift card so he can eat and I don't worry that he is spending cash on hooch? What keeps me in my seat when another human is suffering? I almost got up about three times and approached him but I held back. I looked over later and a man who had come in with his wife, son and newborn had bought the man lunch without even asking and I heard him say "Sir, here is lunch for you if you would like it." He sat the tray down and went back to eating with his family.

It made me feel good about people and bad about myself. I could have still gone to the man and offered him something but my pettiness came through and I thought that people would only think I was doing that because someone else had first. It's ludicrous to think that but I did and it stopped me from being a good Samaritan.

That is all,

Newt

Nagasaki Revenge

Yesterday I had an interesting event take place. I was on my way to an eye doctor appointment and was in the process of making a right turn into a 4 lane road. The lane I was turning into had a solid white line in it so I was turning into a protected lane.

Well, apparently I was the only one who ever learned about the white line thing because as I am turning, I hear a tiny little "beeeeeeeeep". At first I didn't see anyone but when I completed my turn, I noticed that a little Japanese or Chinese guy in a small silver car had jumped from his lane into the lane to his left and was flailing his arms about.

It took a moment before I realized that he had gotten over because I was turning and he was flinging his arms around because he thought I was going to hit him. The stupid thing was that there was no way I was anywhere near him as I had turned into my lane. I was going to just shrug it off but then things got serious.

Little fucker gave me the finger! I mean, who does that? He zoomed in front of me and the whole time he is just waving his hands in the air in the "What the Hell?" movement. You may have seen this before from your father or mother when you thought to yourself, "Sure, I can jump my bike off that curb" or "The tattoo is such a good idea".

Anyway, I don't know what came over me but I got pissed and I threw my middle finger up and aimed it in his general direction. And I added some gusto to it. Then, he waved his arms some more so I waved my arms back at him and with an elaborate hand gesture I kindly pointed out that I was in my lane and he was a fucktard. Stupid jerk.

I was afraid he might turn all kamikaze on me so I entered the highway instead of staying on the service road. Little turd made me so mad though.

That is all,

Newt

Ironic Holiday

It seems slightly ironic that a holiday called Labor day, which is designed to give the working citizen a day off, is one of the most exhausting weekends that I have had in a while. The weekend had 4 people visiting, plus a baby, it had a barbecue that got larger than I expected, and I had to work at the comic book store on Saturday.

Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing my friends and definitely was glad to see my baby but I needed a re-Labor day to make up for the lack of sleep. We stayed up late talking and got up early to, well I am not actually sure why but lets blame the baby since she was up anyway.

We spent Labor Day saying goodbye to everyone and trying to relax to prepare for work. I know a lot of people who love 4 day weeks but I have to say, it is too much stress for me. I hate going back after a day off because you never know what you are going to get. It's funny that at the end of Labor Day I felt like I had worked and I still haven't caught up on my sleep.

That is all,

Newt

Not the face, Not the Face

I have been taking more fruit in my lunches lately and every time I go to eat a peach, all I want to do is hurl it at someone. While this in and of itself is disturbing, the main thing this brings to mind is a random question. If you had to, would you rather be hit in the face by a peach, a banana or a kiwi?

Please state your reasons.

That is all,

Newt

Maybe later...

Isn't it funny how you will have something to do but can't bring yourself to do it. Then when you finally break down and do whatever it is you need to, you want to kick yourself for being such a lazy ass.

Right now, I am avoiding mowing my yard, giving the dog a haircut, and cataloging my comics. I have forgone these things which need to be done and instead have chosen reading, surfing the Internet, and I am considering playing Nintendo.

Did people do this in the old days. Did Farmer Joe wake up and avoid getting on his tractor? Did the inn keeper dottle in the kitchen to avoid changing sheets? Did the village idiot do a crossword instead of his duty of flinging poop at passers by?

I tell myself to quit being a procrastinator but I don't have it in me. I just can't make myself do work today.

That is all,

Newt

What Would Jesus Read

I was reading Fight Club today on my throne when I had a stunning hypothetical that I want to know feedback on. This springs from a foray into the Gigantic Half Price Books store in Dallas.

Lets just say God comes down and says, "I feel that I screwed up a little by giving you guys so much free will. So, I have decided to put limits on the human race. I am going to have to grandfather everyone in on this rule so to be a kind God, I am going to let you choose 5 authors and you will only be able to read the books that they have written for all eternity. If they write something new, you can read it but otherwise you are stuck with the choices you make." What would you do?

I would say, "God, that is a right perplexing problem but I think I can do that. My Five choices are:(in no particular order)

Ray Bradbury because his catalog is extensive and he covers multiple genre. His Sci-Fi is great, his prose is intelligent and his madcap style is hilarious.

Chuck Palaniuk because he never writes the same thing twice, he is consistently creative and he has a twisted mind that breathes fresh air into his stories.

Kurt Vonnegut because he saw the world with eyes that I wish I could have glimpsed out of and he pushes points with humor that most people can't get across with facts.

Neil Gaiman because he writes with a bit of sophistication but not with too much seriousness.

And finally, I guess I would have to finish the list with

J.R.R. Tolkien because if I am to be limited to 5 authors, let one of them be so creative as to have written a world, not just a story.

Then I would tell God how nice it was to make his acquaintance and go take all of my other books to the designated spot for relocation.

So, put yourself in front of God and ask yourself, What Would Jesus Read.

That is all,

Newt

What in Stagnation?

Well, things have been a little predictable around the lily pad the last few weeks and I have been trying to break out of the funk. Two things are being done to accomplish this.

First, I started reading Fight Club. No, that doesn't mean I am going to sell all of my stuff and go live in a house with a bunch of guys that are going to ritualistically beat me and I, in turn, them. No, this is significant for one reason: I have been afraid to read it.

Now I know what you are thinking..."Why are you afraid of a book?" Simple answer: Expectations. I have read almost every Chuck Palahniuk book written except his newest couple and Fight Club. Brad Pitt and Edward Norton opened my eyes to Palahniuk. I have been creeped out, turned on, and cranked up over his writings, and the Big Daddy of his books has always been Fight Club. Therefore I didn't want to have an inkling of disappointment in it so even tough I own a signed copy of it from a meeting a few years ago with Chuck, I still haven't cracked it.

That all changed yesterday. I am breaking down the smallest of walls in my library. Maybe there is a speck of knowledge to be gained from the thing that I just couldn't handle until now. Maybe I won't be afraid to take a punch to the face(who am I kidding? Not the face!!!). Hell, I could even hate it and have put all this time into something for no payoff. Occupo Libri.

The second thing is I have started writing again. I got this odd quote in my head a few days ago and I went out the next day for a composition notebook and have been writing ever since. Some is nonsense, there is a story of some sort mixed in, and there are many random thoughts that need somewhere to go. No matter, it is good to put a pen to paper. And I am writing in pen which is about the most uncharacteristic thing I have taken to doing.

I have to figure that if you don't mix up the batter of life, you just end up with a shitty tasting cake.

That is all,

Newt

Summer Concert Series - Journey, Heart and Cheap Trick

Well, I was almost going to wait until later to post this because I was feeling lazy but I felt blogging about a July event in August was just not responsible.

We celebrated Diana's Birthday on Sunday by going to dinner at Gloria's Mexican Restaurant on Greenville. A bunch of friends came along and we had a grand time. Afterwards, about half of the group went to SuperPages.com center for the second 80's rock out that we have been to this weekend.

We arrived a little late so we only saw two or three Cheap Trick songs. No big loss, let me tell ya. Heart came out and really put on a great show. Bad thing was I just kept imagining Guitar Hero song riffs when Barracuda was sang.

Journey finished out the night. For those of you who don't know, the lead singer of Journey, Steve Perry, left the band in 98. They have since replaced him with this guy: Arnel Pineda. He was the lead singer in a Journey cover band from the Philippines. And I'll be damned if he didn't rock out the house and bring a young vibe that has been missing. We saw them last year and this was a hell of a lot better.

We don't have any more concerts lined up until ACL in September(eat your heart out Thomas).

That is all,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Boneheads

Two canines were caught today in the act of a felony misdemeanor. Hazel Nut and her accomplice Duncan Nonuts were caught today in the act of robbery with the intent to consume illegal contraband. Suspects, seen here, were caught by Officer Trinity at the home of the Vaughn's of Lewisville.

Suspect Hazel Nut, seen with stolen bones from the Vaughn's pantry, showed remorse in her questioning. Be warned, some of the crime scene footage can be horrifying. It appears the two suspects let themselves into the Vaughn pantry sometime between the hours of 8 and 5 this afternoon and were unable to make away with the rawhide before an officer arrived at the scene.

Duncan Nonut was not at the scene at the time but had tried a hasty escape through the dog door. Finding both exits blocked and having a genetic condition of Tiny Legs, he was forced to turn himself in. After pleading 'Not Guilty' he was later discovered with some of the evidence that he had apparently hidden in the Vaughn's Kitchen.

Hazel is in solitary confinement at the moment and Duncan is under house arrest.

That is all,

Newt