Cloverfield

What the hell does the title of the new movie 'Cloverfield' mean? It is the exit J.J. Abrams takes when he goes into the office. This flick is a hell of a ride. I am writing this right after I went to see the movie tonight.

I loved the premise of this movie and from beginning to end I was on the edge of my seat. The action is perfect, the suspense is amazing, and the bouts of fright are just enough to make you want more. Here is the trailer if you have been living under a rock.

The premise is pretty widely known so I don't think I am going to be giving anything away by revealing that. Pretty much, a giant monster comes out of the NY harbor and begins attacking the city. The entire thing is told through the eyes of a handheld video camera that is found after the attack.

There is a going away party for one of the main characters and when the monster attacks we get a POV video that is intense and left me satisfied. I will say that some people at the end didn't seem to happy with the way the film ended. Screw them though because it was magnificent. Oh, and the monster does not disappoint and could easily beat the shit out of Godzilla and Mothra and they ain't no pushovers.

Go see this. If you were able to watch 'The Blair Witch Project' then you will probably be fine. I can't recommend this enough. I will probably go see it again and I don't usually take in second viewings of movies.

That is all,

Newt

Giggle-Toot

I was just bothering Diana by smacking my gum when she asked me to quit and it made me start to laugh. As soon as I did, I let the slightest toot that made me laugh even harder. I like to call this phenomenon a Giggle-Toot.

I think everyone has been afflicted with this. I know Diana has. Funny story...I don't remember why but Diana started laughing, this was years ago, and when she did she had a Giggle-Toot. Well, she thought that the GT was so funny that it made her laugh harder which caused an even longer GT that may or may not have been classified as a Giggle-Fart. Well, the GF? made her laugh even harder and well, I think you can see where this went. By the end of her fourth GT she had me laughing so hard that I cried.

I think that if there is a God then He/She/It has to have a sense of humor because anything that can make humanity laugh with a little air coming from the gluteous maximus has to have a funny bone.

That is all,

Toot, er I mean Newt

The Terrifying case of the Gnome-Goblin

Last night Diana and I stumbled across a terrifying scene. I went to turn my bed lamp on and it wouldn't light. I checked the plug and the power before realizing that the light bulb had been almost completely unscrewed from the socket. I knew it could only be one culprit...The Gnome-Goblin.

I told my lady that we had been hit by this nefarious imp. Lo and behold, Diana didn't know of the Gnome-Goblin. Thus I had to tell her it's story.

For those of you who don't know, a Gnome-Goblin is a magical creature of mischief. A byproduct of a gnome and a goblin, these creatures mixed the goodness of a gnome with the evil of a goblin and created a problem creature. While not evil, Gnome-Goblins are always causing trouble. Their favorite prank...unscrewing light bulbs.

Diana was surprised to hear of this creature. Her main concern was preventing the problem from happening again. Naturally, I told her how the easiest way to stop a Gnome-Goblin was to sprinkle lemon juice all around the house. She didn't seem to understand why this would deter the felon from attacking again.

You see, Gnome-Goblins are vain. They have very delicate teeth with extremely sensitive enamel. If lemon juice gets on their teeth, the enamel rots off and their teeth fall out instantly. This leaves them scared for life and they are wary of anything with a high acidic level. Thus, lemon juice scares the daylights out of them.

My wife then asked if we could just spray lemon Pledge in which I could only reply, "Diana, now you are just being ridiculous."

That is all,

Newt

Television: the new exercise equipment

Well, I hit a wall today at the gym. I have successfully gone to the gym 5 of the last 7 days and have spent 30 minutes on the gym each day. I have accomplished this miracle due to the fact that there is a little TV on every machine and I can watch a half hour and forget that my fat butt is really sweating and thrusting my legs forward at an alarming rate.

So today I went in and, because Monday is one of the busiest days to work out, every machine with a TV was taken. So I found an open elliptical and started my workout. I made it 5 minutes. It wasn't that I was tired, it was that I was to worried about the time. I was bored. I had to stop and wait for a machine to open up.

I went and worked on some arm strengthening to kill time. I finally found an open TV and even then I only made it 15 minutes. In my defence, the last guy that was on there didn't wipe the machine down and it looked like he had peed all over it. It had an aroma of B.O. that I just couldn't stand. Well, that's my gym rant. This is what happens when I actually try to work out.

That is all,

Newt

Bombay Dreams

I had a sobering experience yesterday. The retail outlet Bombay is closing its doors and their corporate headquarters is in Ft. Worth. All of the retail stores have been having Going out of Business sales and yesterday we heard that the corporate offices were selling all of their office furniture. So we went to the offices to look around.

I don't know if anyone has ever stolen from a dying man but we walked around two floors of offices where people were still working and a guy was trying to sell us desks that people were still using. It was eerie. The workers seemed cool about it though. There was an air of decay in the building. Everything, and I do mean everything had price tags on it. Cubicles, vases, copiers, hell even the microwave had a tag.

We found some interesting things. Half of the offices had desks from the stores in them so every office looked like something out of a 1940's cabana. It was very overdone.

Today, I went to the floor model sale because we are trying to furnish our front reception area. The amount of fine furnishings at ridiculous prices was astounding. I got a pants caddie.

That is all,

Newt

My name is GYM

Well, I am officially a member of a GYM!?! I decided a few weeks ago that it is probably time to do something about my weight. I look at fat people and think, "How did they let themselves get so big?" and then dig back in to my Whataburger bag.

I know that I am over the weight I need to be at so I joined a gym near our house. I went today for the first time and took advantage of one of the selling points of the gym. They have personal TVs on all of their elliptical and treadmills. I was able to do 30 minutes on an elliptical which is the longest I have every stayed on one of those Iron Maidens.

I plan on sticking with this for a while to get back down to my sexy weight of 195-200. Mainly, I just want my body to stop looking like I ate a box of Lime Jello. I even went and bought workout shorts. Their silver.

That is all,

Newt

Stupid Multiplication

Well, I just read that Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. Sister to Britney, Jaime is 16 and has been with the father for a while. He was described as "long time boyfriend." At 16, what is considered long time?

This news is scary because it seems that stupid people are multiplying at an alarming rate. I am not trying to insult people who get pregnant at a young age. I don't think it is the smartest thing to do because accidents happen. I do not, however, think it is a good idea.

There is a movie called Idiocity in which the human race gets populated with stupid people because they kept reproducing with other stupid people, while the smart people paired up and waited loner and longer to have children. It lead to people watching TV shows about getting kicked in the nuts and having a pro wrestler be President.

I know we make leaps and bounds in the medical and technological communities on a daily basis but I see how we could end up in that area. Punctuation has gone the way of the dodo, the word like is put into every sentence, and the Wayan's Brothers have a career. That in itself is proof that we are faltering.

On a daily basis, I get at least two emails that aren't capitalized which drives me crazy. Music is littered with thur's(there) and fashizees. What the hell does that even mean? I just don't want to see the world become that movie and it could. Scary.

That is all,

Newt

I have been violated

I know I was complaining about my lights a few days ago but yesterday morning I discovered something disturbing. Some snot nosed little punk ran up to my front door and cut both of extension cords to the Christmas lights.

So, either I have pissed off my neighbor or the fact that the lights were crooked aggravated an escaped psychotic patient with OCD and caused him to cut my cords to prevent them from being seen. I went back up today and fixed the cord issues and now none of my cords run outside where "the Snipper" can't get to them.

What kind of person is so demented that they think it is ok to do this. How is this funny in any way? A practical joke is one thing but this is just vandalism. It did make me want to send an apology to my old neighbor whose window I broke and ran off without ever telling him. Sorry Curtis.

That is all,

Newt

Lights, Camera, Traction

Well, as most of you know, Christmas is around the corner. This means presents and candy and for the first time in my life, putting lights on the house. For those of you who haven't seen my humble abode, this means I am putting my life at risk.

Our house isn't large but we do have two stories. I have never walked on my roof before but my wife wanted lights on the house and I aim to please. I began stringing lights on the roof three weeks ago and ran out with only half of the house done. A couple of days later, I found more of the same lights and got back on it.

After plugging the lights in, low and behold, there were pieces out. So up I go again to fix the lights. My OCD kicked in when I noticed that the lights weren't all standing straight up. So up I go again to straighten them out. Next, I ran out of those little clippy things that you use to attach lights to your house. Well, so did half of Dallas, Texas because I spent three hours driving around looking for more.

Finally I find more but the weather has been bad. I have been trying to get up on the roof for a week and on Saturday I grabbed my ladder and fixed the perimiter of mi casa. Still, it looks like crap. I still have lights all over my house that looks like redneck teeth.

So again, I climb up last night in the chilly drizzle and I'll be damned if the lights I fixed last week hadn't gone out again. So I spent thirty minutes trying to straighten and fix my lights.

Needless to say, they still aren't fixed. This is why Christmas can suck so bad.

That is all,

Newt

Spelling Follies - Part duh

Well, the Spellin' Felon has struck again. This was found at the same school a couple of weeks ago and I am just getting around to posting about it. It seems that Marshall Durham Middle School has a prankster in their midst. I am not sure what class Scince is but I know it wasn't part of the curriculum back when I was in 6th Grade.

Somehow I doubt this will be the last spelling error I will find.

That is all,

Newt

Guitar Hero - Stage 1

Well, a couple of weeks ago I bought Guitar Hero III and I have put in quite a bit of time in on the game. Well, today I have beaten the Easy setting of Guitar Hero III. That's right, calm down everyone. I know how excited you must all be to hear this news but this is not the end. There are still three levels to go.

What does beating the easy stage mean. It means I played 42 pulse pounding songs, slamming down the red, green and blue keys to some awesome rock songs. The end is a battle with the Devil himself and guess what song I had to beat him with? Anybody? That's right, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". He was hard competition but in the end I spanked him.

I plan on strumming up to the next level soon but my fingers need a rest. After unlocking all those songs, I am going to need a few days off.

Rock on,

Newt

The Misadventures of Duncan and Hazel - Sweet Fang

Imagine...

Duncan and Hazel are sitting around the house. Hazel, in her infinite curiosity starts investigating the Target bag sitting on the fireplace.


H: Duncan, guess what?
D: What? Hazel, you know you shouldn't be messing around in that bag.
H: Damn D, you have got to lighten up. There is some tasty treats in here.
D: Hazel. You know your ass is going to get busted and I will probably get blamed.
H: Yeah, but it will totally be worth it.


Duncan and Hazel proceed to tear open an entire bag of Hershey's Candy Cane Kisses.


D: Should we be eating these?
H: I don't see why not.
D: I don't know, isnt this stuff bad for us?
H: I don't know, and I don't care. Check this out, I am wired.
D: Quit running around. Stop biting me. Calm Down Dammit!!!
H: I can't. Whooo hooo!!!!!!!


Diana came home to find the entire bag gone. Foil wrappers littered the floor. Asses were made pink and doggie doo turned white.


That is all,


Newt

Shot Down

A couple of days ago, a woman in my office brought me something that I felt the need to share with my readers. There is a new thing in the world for all of those people who feel like a cup of coffee just isn't a fast enough way to get their morning jolt of caffeine. A company called Whitewave has created a company called Stok.

Stok is a coffee creamer that contains the equivalent of one shot espresso and has a warning limit of two shots a day. So, by adding this creamer to your normal coffee cup, you too can act like Richard Simmons after a Bedazzling class. Now, I don't drink coffee very often so when this came along so I felt like I would be the perfect baseline.

Now, I had a misconception about this product that I didn't find out is false until after I consumed this. When it says a shot, it is meant to be poured in your coffee and not treated like tequila at a sorority party. I didn't realize that and had quite a flavor shock.

This is not recommended.

That is all,

Newt

Ribbed, for my pleasure

Well, guess who's back. Back Again. McRib's Back. Tell a friend. No this isn't the newest Eminem hit. That damn sandwich the McRib is back on another Farewell tour, Number 3 to be precise, and I for one am getting pretty tired of it.

Firstly, I have never eaten one because the idea of rib meat from McDonald's doesn't sound very appealing. Plus, I am getting very tired of this marketing campaign that is pretending it's going away. I really thought it was and wasn't to happy when it showed up again last year. Secondly, I can already see what will happen next. There will be a reunion tour for the dumb thing and it will all start over again.

But, being the well rounded journalist (finger quotes) that I am, I went and sampled the Goliath that I wish slain. My lady love an I voyaged to McDonald's last week so I could finally say that I successfully digested one of these things.

Dammit! It tastes good. Who the hell saw that coming. The barbecue sauce was smokey, the pickles sweet, the rib meat edible. I am still not convinced that the rib meat wasn't just shredded pork but who cares? I enjoyed it. GOD WHY?

I'm not saying I will eat one again but I am now in an uncomfortable position. Can I go on hating something that I don't really hate even though I feel I should hate it? Is it acceptable for me to continue loathing the existence of a sandwich that actually has a riby goodness to it? I don't know who I am anymore.

That is all,

Newt

We Don't Need No Education

We stumbled accross proof yesterday that the public skool system is working in full swing. Diana and I we're driving along near our house and went buy one of the local schools.

I was staring out the window when I looked and noticed the sign out front looked incorrect. We turned around and went back to the skool so I could snap a picture of what we saw.

I am not sure who was responsible for the spelling errors on the Marshall Durham Middle School sign but I will say that as a hole, this is completely unacceptable. Not only does it show that the skool system is failing in Lewisville, but it also insults veterans.

I was shocked when I saw the sign and the irony in it is just amazing. Are we really living in a society that would tolerate this? I think that if I were a parent and was that the school my child attends had that sign outside, I would march into the Principals office and ask them what kind of facility they were running. It may be a kids idea of a prank but for it to be there on a Saturday shows a complete disregard for education.

I was a product of the Midland public skool system and I turned out O.K. so I can only hope this is an isolated incodent.

That is all,

Newt

Ophidiophobia - Now for the Holidays

Well, Halloween has come and gone we got a very scary Halloween Fright on Wednesday. While passing out candy to a cute little boy dressed like a shark, we had a snake climb across our door step. You read right, as I sit here typing this I shudder at the thought. A huge snake with big fangs and vicious eyes* popped up as the little kid was standing there. His mother pulled him away and we backed up. They left but the python decided to come inside our house.

Diana was fairly spooked but I was like a 14 year old girl at a Hollister sale. I screamed and jumped and I might even have peed myself a little bit. DON'T JUDGE ME!!! I didn't know exactly how to respond but it was clear we had to get it out of the house. Diana held the dogs back while I ran outside and grabbed the dog's pooper scooper. It has a claw that I thought I could use to pick up the snake and throw it outside.

It actually went back under the door and we thought we were ok but it was like one of those inbred genes. You think it is gone but it shows up when you least expect it and it is never good to have around. That f-ing snake came right back in and then got stuck under the door.

I opened the door and let him out and was going to try to catch him but, little did I know, there is a hole in our brick right next to the front door and the snake climbed inside of it. I still don't know where it is. I never saw it come back out and I'm not sure that there isn't a way that it can't get back into the house. All I know is snakes crave heat in the winter and I haven't slept well since. I know if I were looking for warmth, I might shoot through the attic, come into the bedroom, and climb underneath some nice toasty sheets.

Halloween sucks,

Newt

*the snake was actually a small garden snake that was probably not poisonous.

Don't Take It Literally

Well, Diana and I are going through purchasing new furniture for our living room and during this process I got to do something that I never would have thought possible. I got to pull the rug out from under someone.

We went to one of those tent sales that sells rugs to look at portable flooring. You like what I did there? I made that up. Portable Flooring. Catchy. Anyway, while we were there, another couple was looking at rugs and found one a couple and asked the rug guys(who knew there were rug guys?) to pull both rugs out from two huge piles. After a few minutes the girl asks the rug guys to hold the rugs so she can go to another store and shop around.

The guy told her that he could only hold it if she paid, which was not going to happen. Lets just say that the guy was not happy with what happened. So we just happened to be looking for a rug and wouldn't you know it, we really liked the one the girl had picked. We bought it and thus, we pulled the rug out from someone.

My next goal is to find someone with a woolen hood on so I can yank it down, followed by dove hunting with a rock, but just one.

That is all,

Newt

It's Magically Delicious

It was revealed over the weekend that the Harry Potter character, Albus Dumbledore was Gay. This revelation came as something of a shock to me until the supporting evidence was given. Now, not only do I see it but I am very excited by this turn of events.

This does lead down a few roads that will definitely cause issues.

1. There will be an outcry from the Christians and Family Rights organizations. Somehow this means that every kid who reads any of the Harry Potter series will automatically become a homosexual.

2. This will be another bullet in the arsenal of things that make Harry Potter the devil.

3. There will now be an outcry that Albus Dumbledore is a pedophile. He was a closet homosexual who has secret passwords into his office that are always a type of candy, he surrounds himself with little kids, and he is constantly showing off his talents with his magic "wand".

All in all, the news was surprising but I think this can be a real advancement in Gay rights. For the last few years, there has been a Gay man heavily focused on throughout one of the most popular and well known children's literature series of all time. He is instantly recognizable to children and adults, he is familiar, and he is popular.

I must say, "Good Show, J.K. Rowlings". And way to go on adding another layer to an already incredible character. An entire generation of kids have now been exposed to an alternative lifestyle and have accepted a gay figure without prejudice. George Michael, eat your heart out.

That is all,

Newt

Have you met...Palmala?

So, Friday night Diana's company threw an end of year bash at the House of Blues and bought out the entire restaurant. They had food and drink, a live jazz band, prizes and a palm reader. I have always wanted my fortune told and I figured this was pretty close so Diana and I did a couples reading.

The reading began with my wife and I holding our palms face up to an attractive young lady who skimmed them with a small flashlight. She looked over both of us and through a series of glimpses, she was able to pick up most of our character traits. My ability to let things go, Diana's quick temper, the fact that I don't like to do things I'm not good at. She told Diana that she should understand that I won't just know to do stuff and that she shouldn't expect me to.

She was able to tell us a few things about our future as well. 2 kids, the first within 18 months and success in our careers were just a couple of things. She claimed that Diana would want to switch careers once we start having kids and I would stick with my career. That info was quite different than what we have planned.

The best part of the entire thing was the skepticism of my wife and her face as a perfect stranger was able to analyze her so well. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped many times throughout the reading. I don't think she expected to be so easily read. I know I didn't.

That is all,

Newt

I'ts Dripping Cold

I am typing this as a quarter of an inch of my fat gut freezes. Right before I logged in to this blog, I took a drink from a glass of water and three drops of water beaded off and hit my belly. I wasn't expecting it so, of course, it was so much colder than it should have been.

I hate condensation. It is the equivalent of ball sweat and it makes me just as uncomfortable. I don't really understand all of the science behind condensation but I will tell you this, every time I pick up a seemingly safe glass of water/tea and a little bead of sweat runs down and kamikaze dive bombs my chest, I just want to take a hair dryer and sadistically evaporate ever drop of water on the glass.

They make those plastic cups that you prevent condensation, but those are bulky and really limit the amount of liquid in one glass. Why should I have to suffer through the pearls of embarrassment that make me look like I am crying or lactating when I should be able to use any damn cup I want to drink out of? Who the hell do you think you are condensation? What gives you the right to urinate all over my shirt just because you get cold from the ice I put inside of you? Screw you!!!

At least with beer bottles I can smother your ass with a koozie. That always ruins your fun. But no, you can't keep your drops to yourself. You have to attack me just as I go to have a drink. And you even sneak a few in when I am drinking out of Styrofoam!!! Styrofoam? You are so wrong.

That is all,

Newt